You were alone, left out in the cold,
clinging to the ruin of your broken home.
Too lost and hurting to carry your load, we all need someone to hold.
- Someone to Stay, Vancouver Sleep Clinic.
Taking care of Meredith was different than taking care of Addison.
Taking care of Addison was buying the teddy bear when you walked past the florist because you wanted to see her smile, and buying heaps of pink baby's-breath while you're at it because you knew that's what she liked.
Taking care of Meredith was going to get flowers because that's what you're supposed to do, but stubbornly avoided getting it in sets that carried meaning: 3 roses, 5 roses, 10 roses. "Could I have 4 of those please?"
Taking care of Addison was making sure that there were enough blankets to keep her warm throughout the night, and that the pillows around her were fluffed up as comfortably as possible.
Taking care of Meredith was seeing that the hospital had delivered her meals.
Taking care of Addison was googling how to make low-fat dark chocolate chip cookies because chocolate chip cookies always cheered her up, but she denied herself of those delicacies when she was cautious of her weight. Dark chocolate only, not milk, not white.
Taking care of Meredith was taking a deep breath and plastering a smile each time before you pushed open the door to her room.
It scared you. It scares you how you knew you would drop everything in a heartbeat and fly to wherever she was if you knew which corner of the earth she was hiding in.
Mark knows. Richard knows. You don't know. They refuse to let you know. "She's safe, don't worry." They tell you, but how could you not worry?
But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?
That's what she wrote, in the letter Mark handed you. She loved you, but she needed time away from you. To think.
It's been 2 months since she left, and you've read the crumpled piece of paper so many times you could recite it.
Her handwriting looked just as it did in Med school, elegant, the way she likes to draw a cursive 'l' instead of how normal people wrote it, the way the she would draw 2 circles that always looks like a snowman when she wanted '8'. You've called her cell, you've called Savvy, you've called Naomi, you even called Archer. Do you know how desperate you were when you called Archer?
You sink back into the wallows of despondency after each "no, she wasn't with them" and "no, they haven't seen her. "
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved.
Visiting Katherine helped. The first time she had opened her eyes and peered at you, you were surprised at the searing pain that felt as if somebody had scrunched up your heart in their fist. Why? Because you saw Addison in her eyes. Not Meredith. Despite her obvious blonde hair, you saw Addison.
Each night, after Meredith fell asleep, you allowed your mind to drift off to where Addison might be, what she was doing. Was she asleep already? Or is she gazing at the stars like you were? Is she thinking about you? Where is she? Is she alone? Did anybody tell her goodnight today? Can she manage showering herself? How's her therapy going? Does her back still hurt? Did she remember to eat her vitamins today?
The list goes on.
You remember Addison had fallen sick once when the both of you were still dating, her fever skyrocketing to 40 degree celcius. You had piggybacked her to the hospital yourself and when she awoke, still groggy and disorientated from the medications, the first thing she did was insist the nurse bring you a blanket because your hand was cold when you touched her forehead.
You remember you told her about your father on the 16th anniversary of his death. She had listened quietly beside you, interlocked her fingers with yours, and squeezed the both of your palms together slightly when you got too lost in the recollection. It was the first time you cried in front of her. After, she went out while you slept and came back with 16 balloons. She told you to write your most notable events of each year since his death on each balloon. 16 balloons to sum up 16 years, 16 things you want to tell your father. Amelia's addiction, your admission into medical school, meeting her, getting your doctorate etc. She drove the both of you to this piece of land in the outskirts, where you had released the balloon one by one into the sky, for your father to read. She told you that you could cry and yell and throw any tantrum you wanted on this day, she would be your safe space forever, and your father's death anniversary would be your safe day to feel.
You remember the day she asked you to save Archer. You were detached then, distant, self-absorbed. But when she had pleaded for you with glassy eyes to save her brother, you knew that this much, you owed her. After your duel with her over Jen Harmon, you had drunk-
Bzzzz. Bzzzzz.
The buzz from your phone interrupted your thoughts. An unfamiliar number.
"Derek..." It's her. "It's me..."
"Would you... would you like to meet?"
You had drove immediately to the arranged meeting spot, Seattle's Green Lake Park, a thousand thoughts running through your head.
She was in Seattle. Had she been in Seattle all the while?
You found her in front of the waterway. She sat on her wheelchair, and turned when you approached.
Perhaps it was the pent-up emotions, perhaps it was the anger, perhaps it was because you missed her so much you started to hate her, but even you were surprised when the words came out of your mouth.
"Why'd you leave?"
She left because you had a baby with Meredith dummy. You knew, you just needed to hear her say it.
"I left because I needed to see that it was right to stay,"
She told you she went to find Vivian Carlsmith, her mentor, and she says Vivian had gastric cancer. She helped Vivian pen her last words to her long lost daughter, and when Vivian passed, she flew across the earth to find her. Her daughter had lived a full, wonderful life.
"After Vivian died, I didn't know what to do. I missed you, but i didn't know whether I should go back. I convinced myself you have Meredith, and you have Katherine and that would be just fine without me, "
She turned her head to meet your gaze before continuing,
"Until Meredith called me."
Meredith called Addison?
"She told me you weren't eating, and that you would stay up at night pretending to sleep. She saw you Derek, and I think she really did love you..."
"...But I love you too, I've loved you for almost 20 years, and i'm here to fight for you now."
"You left me Addison. You left me with nothing except a letter and a broken fucking heart. You promised you wouldn't leave and you did,"
You hands unconsciously went up to your face to wipe away tears.
"How could you, Addie? How could you leave me?"
Her eyes were glistening, and you know you should, but you cant stop.
"Do you know that every time I walked into the hospital, I saw you there, lying in my fucking arms. I saw your blood on my hands, and I saw the stains on the floor an-and I heard your whimpers. Do you know that each time I stepped into Walmart or Target or wherever, every fucking thing reminds me of you. Dark chocolate chips, how you like your beansprouts without the sprouts. Skimmed Milk!"
You paused, breathed in deeply.
"Do you know that I thought about you every single night before bed. I wondered where on Earth you were, whether anyone was there to help you prop your pillows the way you liked them. Whether you were eating, whether you were cold at night, whether you were crying or happy and whether you missed me. I thought about you Addie, when Meredith was right there beside me. Dosen't that say anything to you?"
You turn to leave when she dosen't say a thing after, the ache in your heart immeasurable.
"I visited your father." She called out when you walked away.
You stopped walking but refused to turn your head to look at her.
"I went back to New York, and I went to see your father. I asked him whether i deserved a second chance with you. Look at me Derek, please."
When you turned around, you watched as she pushed herself up from her wheelchair until she stood. And you watched as she painfully lifted one leg forward, and then another, and then another, towards you. It hurt, that you could tell from the furrow of her brows and the way she bit her bottom lip.
But she's walking. Addison's walking. She's walking by herself.
You forgot everything from before instantly, the elation and excitement replacing it all.
"Keep going Addie... Addison you're almost there.."
When she finally reached you, you held onto her as if she was life itself.
"I asked your father to give me a sign to go back to Seattle," She was panting,
"And when I looked up to the sky that day, I saw a cloud that looked terribly like a balloon, the balloon we had set free into the sky and I knew-"
You kissed her then, and she kissed you back. And when the both of you finally broke away gasping for air, she uttered out words that told you Addison was undoubtedly the one for you.
"I'm moving to Seattle. I'll be Katherine's step mum, I don't care about anything else, I want nothing more than to wake up beside you until we're old and grey and until god takes one of us away. Okay?"
You proposed 8 months later, when you unknowingly referred to her as your wife one day and Mark casually informs you that technically, she's not.
You booked the whole Space Needle for the same day you proposed to her 15 years ago. It cost a fortune and tons of emails to the people who ran the building, but it was worth it. They lit up the whole Space Needle, and you got down on one knee just as the sun lowered itself into the horizon. Everyone was there, Richard, Bailey, Callie, Alex, Mark, Meredith, her friends from the LA practice. Archer, Savvy, Weiss, Katherine.
It was magical because you knew this time, this time it was for forever.
The both of you adopted Henry a year later. Katherine, or "Rin Baby" as Addison had so affectionately nicknamed her, had been shuffling between your new house and Meredith's throughout the year, and Addison missed her terribly when she wasn't there.
Both of you loved Henry the moment you set your eyes on him, and Katherine adored her baby brother.
One night, after being awoken by Henry's cries for milk and Rin's insistence to sleep in your bed because there were monsters under her's, she had looked over to you with droopy-eyed Henry on her chest and Katherine cuddled up in her arms and said,
"Not the Cassius and Caleb Shepherd i imagined, but everything I could ever ask for,"
You took my soul and wiped it clean,
our love was made for movie screens.
- All I want, Kodaline.
If you're reading this I just wanna thank you for sticking with me till the end. This is my first fic and these 12 chapters has been an emotional roller coaster for myself, and thank you to everyone who read and reviewed and supported this fic in more ways than one. It has been so so heartwarming to see so many other Addek fans till today. *sobs*
Review for the last time! Tell me what you would like read next and who knows, maybe I'll get another burst of inspiration and start writing next. Till then, thank you for being here. Have a nice day and remember to stan Kate Walsh for happiness. :D