TEDDY
"What are you looking at?" I ask Owen, when I wake up and look at him, watching me intently. He smiles broadly and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
"How beautiful you are. How different you look."
I comb my bangs with my fingers. "Don't you like my new look?"
"No, I love it! You look so different yet so beautiful, even if you were bald you'd look beautiful."
"Liar!" I chuckle and climb on top of him, crossing my arms over his broad chest and looking him in the eyes with all the love in the world. I sigh and lay my head there. He caresses my naked back and we both remain in a comfortable silence.
"I want to move here." Owen says. I raise my head and look at him surprised. "I mean, not here with you, if you don't want to, but here to Germany, here to Landstuhl."
I smile sadly. "And what about Megan and your mom?"
He sighs. "I'll talk to them, I'm not leaving them behind, Teddy. I'm just living my life. I love them, but I love you too and I love our children, the three of you are my priority now, they will understand."
I lay my head back on his chest wiping a small tear that escaped from my eyes.
"Owen." I say, after a moment of silence. "I've something very important to tell you." I sit on the bed facing him and cover my naked body with the sheet. He sits leaning on the headboard looking at me attentively and confused.
"Is everything ok?"
I try to find the right words to speak. "No, Owen, not all is good... I... I've to talk to you about Henry".
"What about him?"
"Owen, he... he's not well, our baby is not well." I say, in a trembling voice. I watch him swallow.
"What's wrong with him?"
I sit next to him and I curl up on his side, he brings me closer with his projective arm. "He and Allison were born at 30 weeks, that was hard... painful... lonely... and deeply, deeply sad. Allison was born there." I point to the bathroom. "All alone I brought her to the world on the bathroom floor and I almost bled to death giving birth to Henry."
"WHAT?! Teddy, why—?
"Just let me finish, okay? Long story short, they spent months in the NICU, especially Henry, he had each and every one of the health problems a preemie could have. Four times in the OR… two times for brain surgery, one for heart and one for bowels. Anyway, soon before being released he was diagnosed with deafness."
"It was really hard, a newborn deaf... just when I thought that nothing could be worse the pediatrician realized of his vision problem, he was given glasses when he was only a year old... I remember saying "I can with this", until I realized that... his prescription changed every few months... since then we've seen dozens of doctors and none seems to find the reason for his accelerated loss of vision... the last doctor we visited." My voice shakes when I remember what that doctor told me. I clear my throat in an attempt to steady my voice. "He told us that there is not much hope, that it's almost 100% sure that Henry will lose his sight completely in a few years." I can't contain it anymore and I burst into tears.
Owen hugs me tightly and I can hear him sobbing too.
"I don't know what else to do!". I whimper. "I don't know who else to turn to... I don't know how to tell my boy that he will go blind, he... he knows sign language, should I teach him braille now? I feel so lost, Owen. He is a baby, and he has already gone through so many things!"
"I'm so, so sorry." Owen cries. "Sorry for not being here, I'm sorry. We will look for more opinions, I swear, we'll go wherever we have to go to see the best doctors, we won't give up, we are in this together, Teddy, together we will help our little boy."
"And on top of that are his anxiety problems. Sometimes I feel it's hereditary, that damn silent demon of depression and anxiety. I've thought about getting him a service dog, but I don't know; enough bullying he gets at school because of his glasses and his hearing aid devices."
"I know an excellent neuro-ophthalmologist surgeon in Switzerland, I'll call him and we'll take our boy and if he can't find the root of his problem we will look for another, and another, and another opinion. This time I won't try just once, I won't give up."
I hug him more tightly by the torso. "It means the world to me that you're here."
"And I will always be here."
We remain enjoying each other's company, skin to skin. Occasional touches, gentle caresses, soft kisses, deep intimacy.
Then, someone knocks at my room's door.
Dammit!
"Mommy, can I come in?" Allison asks, from the other side of the door.
"Dammit, dammit!" I cry between clenched teeth getting out of bed quickly, covering myself with the sheet. "They can't see you here!"
"Why?" Owen asks me, confused and without moving from the bed.
"Because we're taking this slowly, at least with the children! They can't see you naked in my bed! You've to leave now!"
"How will I get out of here without them noticing?"
"I'll distract them and you'll leave the house in silence."
"Mommy, wake up!" Now it's Henry.
"Mommy, can we snuggle in bed with you? It's snowing!" Allison adds.
"They want to snuggle in bed." Owen says, settling down on the bed and looking at me with a quirked eyebrow.
"Owen, I mean it! Maybe they're already more open to you, but think about what it'll be like for them to see you here in my bed so soon."
Owen seems to understand my reasons. It's not that I don't want them to see him or know that he sleeps in the same bed as me, but first I want them to warm up to him and let them know that we're together before they see him in my bed.
"Ok you are right. I'm sorry, I just... I want to spend as much time as possible with you, that's all."
"And you will, but not in my bed." He raises an eyebrow, looking at me questioningly. I roll my eyes, smirking. "I mean, not them seeing you in my bed for now. But you can spend all the time you want in my bed at night." I say, sitting next to him, giving him a soft kiss on the lips.
"Sneak in and out of your bed... sounds like fun."
"It'll only be a few weeks, while they get used to your presence and to see us together."
He cups my face. "I love the sound of 'together'."
"MOMMY!" The children shout, out of my room.
"Ok, time to go!" I say to Owen giving him a quick kiss. I put on my pajamas and leave the room taking the children to Allison's room and cuddling in bed with them while Owen leaves the house.
"Mommy, when's Owen going to come again?" Henry asks me.
"I… don't know darling, maybe today, maybe tomorrow."
"Will he move in here with us? He's your boyfriend already?" Allison asks.
"Well, well, well, so many questions... he won't move with us for now, maybe in the future, I don't know, what do you think?"
"If he's your boyfriend then he has to live here." Henry points and I can't help but laugh.
"You like daddy a lot, isn't it?" I ask him.
"He's funny, but he doesn't know German or sign language, but I can teach him!"
"Of course you can teach him, my love." I answer, kissing his little head.
"Can he come today?" Allison asks me.
"Would you like it?" I ask, cautiously. She shrugs. "Because if you want I can invite him to breakfast."
"Can he take us for more cookies?" I laugh.
"I'm sure daddy would love to take you for more cookies." Allison smiles shyly.
I call Owen to invite him to breakfast, it doesn't take more than half an hour when he's home. He makes waffles for the children and I see him interact with them.
"And what is your job?" Allison asks and I see how he hesitates to answer. I look at him questioningly and he clears his throat.
"Well, I... I used to be a doctor, a trauma surgeon, but I haven't worked for a long time."
I'm shocked, I didn't know Owen was unemployed, he notices the confusion on my face and evades my gaze.
"Mommy can give you a job." Henry says. "She's the boss of an entire hospital, it is very, very big, uncle Conrad works there too."
Owen laughs nervously. "Yeah, that would be nice."
"If you don't have a house, you can move in with us." Allison says and Owen looks taken aback. We didn't expect it to be precisely Allison the one suggesting it, much less so soon.
"Yes!" Henry exclaims. "You can have my room if you want."
"No, silly." Allison intervenes. "Mommies and daddies have to sleep together."
Owen and I tried to contain the laughter, especially considering that we slept together and our talk about our sleeping arrangements.
"Babies". I say. "Would you like Daddy to live with us?"
They share a long look, as if they were saying everything through their eyes, perhaps the famous twins' telepathy, then they look at Owen and then at me. Henry whispers something to Allison in her ear, then Allison to him. Owen and I looked at each other with expectant eyes.
"Yes, we would like it!" They exclaim at the same time.
Owen smiles broadly, I can see that he wants to cry, he even wipes a tear quickly. I can see that he wants to hug them, I can almost swear that he wants to lift them and twirl them in the air, but he keeps respecting their personal space and leaving each and every one of the physical approaches to them.
We finish breakfast and the four of us together go to the hotel where Owen is staying to pick up the few of his belongings. Then we go to the bakery to buy the cookies the children love so much. We go back home and spend the rest of the day chatting by the fireplace, the children cuddled on my side and Owen in front of us. The twins ask us dozens of questions, how we met, where we met, they ask him things like his favorite food, his favorite color, his favorite superhero and they get very excited when they learn that they have a grandmother, an aunt, an uncle and a cousin.
"Really?!" Henry exclaims. "Do we have a grandma?!"
"Yes, you have a grandma!"
"Can we meet her?!" Allison asks, enthusiastically.
"Of course you can meet her! In a few days I'll go to Seattle, where your grandma lives, to tell her about you."
"Will you leave?!" Henry asks, worriedly.
"It'll only be a few days, baby." I say, to reassure him. "Daddy has to go to his old house to talk to grandma Evelyn and auntie Megan, but he'll be back soon."
"And I will never leave again." Owen adds and the children smile.
After dinner and giving them their bath I put the children down to sleep, they still don't feel comfortable with Owen taking them to bed, but we both understand it.
"So... welcome home!" I tell Owen with a smile when I leave Henry's room after putting him down to sleep.
Owen is in the living room, drinking coffee and looking intently at the fireplace. I go and I sit next to him. He brings me to him and gives me a kiss on the head.
"This day was incredible, although I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with so many good things happening so soon, one after another!" He chuckles.
"We still have many things ahead, but what we have achieved in such a short time is more than I expected."
"I know, and I can't believe it... by the way, I spoke with Dr. Brandenberg, the neuro-ophthalmologist I told you about, I told him about Henry and he's willing to see us in 4 weeks. I'll go to Seattle and as soon as I return we'll go to Switzerland... we will know what happens to our boy, Teddy, I swear."
I don't say anything, I just kiss him on the chest and hug him tightly.
"Come with me to Seattle, I want the children to meet my mother and Megan."
I stir in my seat and I sit straight, freeing myself from his arms. "I…. I don't know if it's a good idea, Owen." He looks at me, frowning. "I mean, obviously I want the children to meet your mother and Megan and that they know them, but not like this, you know?"
"Not like this, how?"
"When everything is still so new, yes, I know that things are moving fast, but we both know that we still have a lot to work on, when Evelin sees the children I want it to be when they have finally accepted you completely, when they tell you dad and they hug you and kiss you... not the way things are now. Do you understand me?"
He takes me by the hand and looks me in the eyes. "Of course I understand, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you think I'm moving too fast it's just that... actually things are moving really fast and I'm loving every second of it and I just want to shout to the world that I love you and that I love our kids, I... I'll hit the brakes, you're right."
"Thank you." I tell him softly and I return to cuddle in his arms. "So... How is it that you don't work anymore? Since when?" Owen shifts in his seat. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"Is not that. I... I've been fighting depression for a couple of years now." I don't say anything but I understand him entirely. "Some days are better than others, these days have been good tho, the best in years maybe. I don't know if the following days will be good, but I've been thinking about looking for help, for you, for our kids."
"I understand... I lived in depression too, even to this day I've had bad and good days."
"That silent demon." Owen says in a sigh.
"That silent demon." I repeat. "It'll get better, you'll see."
"I know."
We both remain silent and after a moment Owen starts to caress my side gently and goes all the way down to my thighs drawing soft circles there. I look at him mischievously and kiss him on the lips. He takes me by the waist and sits me on his legs straddling him, then he puts his hands inside my sweater.
"Owen, wait!" I cut the kiss and take his hands, pulling them off my sweater.
"What? What's wrong?!" Owen asks me, confused.
"Let's wait at least an hour." The confusion on his face grows.
"Why?!"
"There is at least an 80% chance that one of the children will wake up at any time, asking me to tuck them back up, take them to the bathroom, which is next to their rooms, one of them is having a nightmare or simply because they want to sleep with me."
He chuckles "What? Does this always happen?!"
I laugh. "Not always-always, but at least two or three times a week, it used to be every day, but little by little we've been making progress with that." He looks at me and huffs, I laugh again. "Oh honey, you're in for quite the ride... the twins are... they're a different challenge every day, I'm not going to deny it, it's hard, tiring, frustrating and terrifying at times, especially when Henry has a crisis... but I wouldn't change it for nothing in the world... their little smiles, their shrieking laughs, every milestone makes up for all the fear and frustration, I love each and every second next to the twins."
"I already love them too, now we will share all that hardness, fatigue, frustration and fear. Between the two will be easier, we will turn all that into love."
"I know."
"I love you."
"I love you more."
"Mommy?" Allison calls from the hallway, walking shyly towards us. I get off Owen's legs immediately.
"See?" I say to Owen, mockingly.
"Mommy, I'm cold."
I get up, go to Allison and I lift her in my arms, she leans her little head on my shoulder and wraps her legs around my waist. "Let's go find you more blankets, baby."
"Good night again!" She says to Owen before going to her room.
"Good night, baby, sleep tight. I love you". Allison smiles shyly.
OWEN
It's the evening before my trip to Seattle, I've spent two weeks here and it's been the best weeks of my life. The speed with which things are moving scares me and at the same time excites me. Children are becoming more comfortable with my presence. They look for my company, and finally, finally they trusted me enough to let me hug them. The first time I cried, I scared them a little but immediately I explained to them that I cried because I was immensely happy. I hugged them tightly, I didn't want to let them go, I wanted to hold them in my arms forever.
Teddy was right, the twins are a different challenge every day. In just two weeks I experienced tantrums, resistances to go to bed, picky eater moments, the famous nocturnal episodes, Allison's defiant character, and the most frightening of all, Henry's crises... it was terrifying, all I had seen of him was a soft and sweet boy; seeing him scream, cry and say incoherencies left me heartbroken. Teddy handled everything as if it were the most normal thing in the world, but in her eyes I could see how broken she was.
"It's okay baby, everything is fine, everything will be fine". Teddy whispered to Henry sobbing softly as she hugged him tightly and rocked him, Allison hugged her at the same time. Tears ran slowly down her cheeks, it was a depressing image. Without thinking I joined her and I took the three of them in my arms, we stayed that way until Henry's crisis stopped and the three of them fell deeply asleep in my arms.
It all started because Henry didn't want to go back to school, it started as a tantrum, but I thought it was normal. What child wants to go back to school after weeks of vacation? Until Teddy told me the true depth of everything, my son is bullied in school and the worst thing is that the school authorities don't do anything about it. After seeing my little boy suffer like that, I went to the school the next day to talk to the professors, even threatening to sue if they didn't do something about it. Teddy was no longer alone in this, together we would handle each and every challenge, even though the biggest one was still missing, the children finally calling me dad.
"No!" Henry exclaims, laughing. "Not like that! You have to swing your pinky finger to not shake it! Like this." He shows me the proper way to do "J" in American sign language.
We sit cross-legged facing each other on the couch by the window, Teddy makes dinner and while Henry teaches me the American sign language alphabet Allison plays outside with the snow while I keep an eye on her.
"Like this?" I ask, imitating exactly the movement he had previously made.
"Yes! Now the K" He says, raising his index and middle finger in a kind of peace sign.
"Since when does he know sign language?" I ask Teddy, amazed at how well Henry handles it.
"Not long ago, maybe a year and a half or less. But he learned it pretty fast."
"Now I'm learning the German one." Henry says, with a hint of pride.
"You are so smart, my sweet boy." I say, ruffling his blond hair playfully making him laugh. Then we hear Allison shriek outside, she is playing alone, throwing snow in the air and playing to catch it. I notice how Henry looks at her longingly.
"Do you want to go out and play?" I suggest. He doesn't say anything, he looks down, playing with his socks.
"Your sister would love it if you go and play with her." Teddy says from the kitchen, encouraging him.
"I'm not good at playing with snow." He says, softly. I take him and I bring him to me cuddling him in my arms.
"You don't have to be good at playing with snow, you just have to do what you want. You can throw it, kick it, we can make a snowman or snow angels, I'll tell you how." Silence. "Or we can cuddle up here by the window and see the snow, Mommy can join us." I wink at Teddy and she smiles blushing.
He mutters something that I can't understand. "What do you say?"
"I want to go out." He repeats, in a low voice. "But Mommy can come too?"
"I'm making dinner, baby. But as soon as I finish, I join you all for a while. What do you say?"
"Ok, mommy."
"Okay". I say. "Then come on, let's join Allison!"
We both put on our coats, gloves, scarves and snow boots. I blow Teddy a kiss before leaving and we join Allison in the yard.
"Hey princess, would you mind two more players?" I say when we appear in the yard and Allison looks at us surprised.
"No, come! I'm making snow rain!"
"That sounds fun! Come on, little guy." I take Henry's hand and join Allison.
Allison jumps and throws snow in the air, Henry is a little shy at first, kicks the snow or tries to catch snowflakes. Then Allison takes a snowball and throws it right at my chest making Henry laugh hysterically.
"Oh, you want to play?" I say, challenging. I take a small snowball and I throw it to Allison who immediately throws me one back too, then we both throw a ball at Henry that makes him fall on his butt.
He looks at us, frowning with a pout, as if he were about to whimper. "We're playing, Henry!" Allison says to keep him from crying, goes to his side and gives him a hand to help him get up, then gives him a huge snowball and whispers something in his ear, then Henry throws the ball right in my face, both children laugh out loud.
"Oh, you'll pay for this, little monsters!" I say in a fake wicked voice and run after them all over the yard. They run holding hands laughing and shrieking.
"No, no, no!" They cry.
I catch them and scoop them up attacking them with kisses. "No, no, no, daddy no!" They scream and I freeze.
Daddy
I put them back on their feet and I kneel in the snow in front of them. Teddy looks at us crying from the window.
"Are you angry that we told you daddy?" Henry asks me, innocently.
"What?! No, no, no, my love, not at all... I'm happy that you finally did it. I had dreamed of that moment since the first time I met you."
"Then, can we tell you daddy?" Allison asks.
"Of course you can, my loves!"
"Yey!" They shriek and throw themselves into my arms, they tackle me down in the snow making me laugh and they lean on my chest.
"Daddy." Allison says. "I love you."
"I love you more, my little girl."
"No, I love you more, Daddy!" Henry exclaims.
Then Allison. "No, I love you more!"
"I love you all more." Teddy joins us and sits next to me in the snow.
"Mommy, can I go to Seattle tomorrow with daddy?" Henry asks Teddy, going to her and sitting on her lap. I sit up too and Allison cuddles with me.
"We already talked about that, my love." Teddy says, brushing a few snowflakes from Henry's blond hair. "Daddy will only go for a few days and he'll be back, then all of us will go to visit grandma Evelyn, auntie Megan, uncle Nathan and your cousin Farouk."
"But first we will go to Switzerland!" Allison points. "We've to go and heal my brother!"
"That's right, princess, we will go to Switzerland to heal your brother."
Teddy and I share a longing look. We've all our hopes placed on this trip to Switzerland. As doctors we know that the possibilities of knowing for sure what happens with Henry are very low, especially considering that he has already been seen by dozens of doctors and none of them can find the root of his problem, but something inside of me tells me that this time everything will be different. I don't know if it's me being optimistic, if it's the rush of immense happiness in which I find myself that makes me see everything with a beautiful filter of positivism, but at least that positivism is infecting Teddy who until recently had practically lost hope, now, although she knows that we probably won't have the answers we want to hear, she's more open and optimistic and that at the same time she's cheering up Henry who at first didn't want to see more doctors and go through more medical tests.
But now we all want that trip, we all need that trip, I'm sure it will change our lives in more than one way...