Chapter 12
Dance With Night Wind
The weekly cleaning at Gilbert's came and went. Days passed. Another week faded, and one more began.
With each of them, Ludwig looked over at Alfred more and more, spoke to him more, and Alfred was ever gaining confidence. He thrived off of people liking him, needing him, wanting him around, and the more comfortable Ludwig grew with Alfred the bolder Alfred felt.
Alfred hadn't agreed with Ludwig, hadn't seen things the way he did, but Alfred had sat there and listened to Ludwig all the same, and maybe that was all Ludwig had wanted. Just someone to listen to him. Ludwig seemed to have developed a great deal of trust in Alfred, just because Alfred had sat down with him and let him talk.
People like Ludwig, locked up their whole life, mentally and emotionally, considered something as simple as talking so remarkable.
Ludwig warmed up, and began to relax around Alfred.
It came to Alfred's attention in very small details. Just little things, but they seemed quite profound.
Ludwig no longer walked as quickly as he could in order to leave Alfred behind, and started walking side by side with him instead, like equals.
At home, the way Ludwig spoke to him was steadily changing. Ludwig stopped using very formal speech, stopped using impressive language, loosened up, and started speaking to Alfred with more casual expressions. Used a little slang from time to time, and stopped using perfect grammar. The way friends spoke to each other, and Alfred was very keen on that because it made him feel less out of place. Made Ludwig feel less intimidating, less out of reach, less out of his league, when he didn't have to pull out his damn phone and look up a word Ludwig had tossed out.
Alfred started thinking of Ludwig as a friend, because Ludwig looked at him that way now.
Their uneasy alliance became comfortable.
Ludwig made breakfast every morning now, looked at Alfred over the table as they made small talk, and it wasn't lost on Alfred that Ludwig seemed to be perking up just a little. Didn't look so down all the time, so unraveled. Ludwig was combing his hair and shaving every day, rather than just half-assing for special board meetings. Still sad and melancholy at the first light of dawn, yeah, but when Alfred grabbed a coffee and sat down, Ludwig straightened up and brightened just a bit.
Hopeful.
God knew poor Ludwig really needed a friend, and Alfred was so far out of the world that Ludwig was used to that maybe Alfred was in some sense as irresistible to him as he was to Alfred.
Even the most stoic, frosty, strict men needed affection, the normal interactions of another human being, and Ludwig was starting to give in to that overwhelming need. Human nature, really, and Ludwig was no exception.
Ludwig didn't want to be alone.
They began interacting quite casually, and one Thursday, when Alfred came by to collect Ludwig for the evening, Ludwig glanced up from his desk, looked Alfred up and down, and then murmured, "Did you have a fun day? It must be nice, to have your level of freedom."
Alfred snorted, walked slowly and arrogantly to Ludwig's desk, and lowered his voice to equal levels to reply, "Careful. It almost sounds like you're jealous. I'm gonna get the wrong idea. Think you want me in here all day, every day with you."
Ludwig scoffed, and gathered up his things.
"Hardly! You seem to only hear what you want to hear."
Yeah, that summarized Alfred pretty well, to be fair. Would let Ludwig have that one.
When Ludwig clicked his briefcase closed, Alfred suddenly had an impulse, and as he always did he acted upon it.
He stepped to the side, took Ludwig's coat from the rack, and held it open expectantly. May have been a little presumptuous on his part, this act of chivalry, but Alfred jumped first and looked after. Ludwig stared at him, lips ever so slightly parted and brow high, and he seemed quite confused, quite taken aback, quite astonished.
Alfred stood there, and lifted the coat a little in the air to spur Ludwig on.
Sure did like the way the damn thing smelled.
Ludwig finally lifted his chin, gathered his nerve, and took a step forward, coming over. Alfred braced up, but Ludwig didn't snatch the coat from his hands, and rather cooperatively set his briefcase down and stepped into the coat as Alfred held it aloft.
Alfred wouldn't lie and say that he hadn't leaned forward, just a little, just to be close enough to catch a whiff of Ludwig's hair.
A thrill.
Ludwig buttoned up his coat, grabbed the briefcase, turned on his heel, and because Ludwig was suppressing a smile Alfred bolted forward and held open the office door for him, too. Why the hell not? Needed to do something to take Ludwig's mind off of things, and this also helped Alfred's ego along.
Ludwig paused, stared over at Alfred as held the door, analyzed him a little, and then said, "My, my. I suppose there is a little bit of a civilized human being somewhere in there."
Alfred lifted his chin pompously, smirking away, brow high and eyes lidded, and was certainly appearing extremely self-confident by then. Ludwig rolled his eyes for the tenth time that week, heaved a sigh, and plunged through the door.
Alfred trotted behind him, and as they marched through the cold, dreary street, the grey sky above opened up. The first snowfall of the year, light and soft.
Ludwig glanced up at the horizon, seemed pleased at the sight of the snow, and Alfred was pleased at the sight of Ludwig, as snow collected in his already pale lashes and hair.
Nice to see Ludwig without that awful shadow on his face.
When they made it home, Alfred kept up the act and held Ludwig's front door open for him, but forgot to take Ludwig's coat as soon as they came inside. Ludwig gave Alfred another look-over, face very condescending yet again, and Alfred realized his mistake when Ludwig took his own coat off and drawled, "That's five points taken away for failing to finish what you started."
Damn, could Ludwig ever sound like Gilbert when he wanted to.
Without thinking too much, Alfred replied, "Don't worry. I got plenty of time to rack up more points. What's my prize?"
Ludwig gave a deep 'Hm!' of thought, and merely offered, "I suppose I'll have to really think that one over."
Alfred came up, a little too close, and said, far too boldly, "I have a few ideas."
Ludwig's already pink cheeks blazed quite red suddenly, and he was very quick to squirm away and into the kitchen. Alfred followed him with his eyes, but didn't trail behind him, letting Ludwig breathe.
But his efforts were not completely in vain, because Ludwig didn't immediately take his sleeping pill right after dinner, and instead slunk into the living room and sat down on the couch. From the way he kept looking up and over at Alfred, it was very clear that Ludwig wanted to keep the company going for a while.
Alfred happily obliged, sitting on the other end of the sofa as he often did, keeping that neat gap between them. Ludwig twisted a little at the waist, turned his attention to Alfred, and Alfred made sure to splay and ooze out as much as he could, to take up as much room as he could, in an effort to keep Ludwig's eyes upon him.
And then suddenly, Ludwig tried to turn the tables a bit, and began interrogating Alfred, after countless nights of Alfred prying every drop of information possible out of Ludwig.
Ludwig just looked over, and randomly asked, "So, Alfred. Where are you from? Not New York."
Gilbert's words rang back up instantly, and Alfred shifted his weight a little, uneasily. Cast it aside as best he could, because he couldn't let Ludwig see any bit of uncertainty within him. Alfred threw his arm up on the couch, splayed out in false confidence, and finally answered, "Kitty Hawk. It's—"
"In North Carolina. I know." Ludwig gave Alfred a long look over, and then snorted. "The birthplace of flight! How fitting you would end up here. Perhaps it was meant to be."
Alfred waved his hand in the air, playfully, heart hammering, and tossed back, "Oh, yeah! I was born there and then one day, just like that, I got this feeling that somewhere up north some weird aeronautical engineer had a real fear of heights and needed me, so I packed up and started walking. Here I am! You've waited for me your entire life. Took a long time, but whew! I'm worth the wait!"
Absurd. Ridiculous. The dumbest damn thing to ever come out of his mouth.
But Ludwig laughed.
A beautiful sound, it really was, deep and warm, so unlike cold and aloof Ludwig. It was strange in some way that Ludwig could laugh at all, and Alfred hoped that, just like Ivan before him, he was melting Ludwig and getting ever closer.
Ludwig looked over at Alfred, shook his head, and said, "Your ego is as broad as your shoulders. I'm surprised we haven't discovered your head in space yet."
Alfred scoffed, rolled his 'broad' shoulders back arrogantly, and crossed one leg over the other in a fit of what was indeed ego.
False ego, sure, false bravado, but that was all Alfred knew.
Overcompensation.
He tossed back to Ludwig, "Shame, that! It would be the best discovery ya ever made."
Ludwig laughed again, and Alfred was entranced.
Ludwig didn't ask anything else about Alfred's origins, as Alfred teased him a little and redirected the conversation. He distracted Ludwig very effectively, and was damn grateful for that. If Ludwig hadn't wanted to talk about his domestic life at first, then there were no words for how desperately Alfred never wanted the story of his own life to be uttered aloud.
Ludwig didn't need to know. He had enough problems. Didn't need Alfred's story piled there in his mind as well.
Alfred wanted to scoot over and close that gap on the couch, but didn't gather the nerve that night.
Friday came and went. No incidents.
Gilbert texted him that day for a report, and Alfred was glad to have nothing for him.
Ludwig stayed up later than normal again that night, as they sat on the couch and chatted about this and that, nothing and everything.
That Saturday, Alfred rolled off of the couch and waited for the miserable jog. But Ludwig stood there, dressed in his sweater, and stared at Alfred strangely.
Alfred found himself splaying a little as usual, puffing out, trying in all moments as he was to appear masculine and dominant. Strong, capable. Someone to be relied upon. Even when he had just rolled right out of bed and looked a hot mess.
Ludwig looked him up and down, and then uttered, very randomly, "I was hoping... There's a show I wanted to see at the theatre tonight."
Ludwig's voice was husky with sleep and deeper than normal, an extremely low-pitched, thunderous rumble that Alfred was quite instantly smitten with. Damn—! Hoped that was what Ludwig would sound like if Alfred could ever get him to cuddle up and whisper in his ear.
Because Alfred was inappropriately interested in Ludwig, he immediately answered, "You wanna see a show tonight? I'll go with you, if you want. If you don't go on a jog today."
Ludwig snorted a little, but was smiling all the same.
Pretty.
Not a beam by any means. Just a soft, calm smile, but it seemed as beautiful to Alfred in that moment.
Strange, that someone so icy could have such a pretty smile.
It was snowing again that morning, and it kept on a bit through the day, picking up and then dying down. Ludwig stood in the living room, bundled up, and watched it falling from behind the safety of the window. Seemed to have an affinity for snow, Ludwig, which Alfred supposed shouldn't have been shocking. Gilbert and Ludwig were just winter, after all, and hell, Gilbert looked like an extension of the snow. Ludwig wasn't far behind. They must have felt most comfortable in winter, frosty bastards.
Ludwig seemed content, relaxed, and Alfred was glad for it.
Must have been the first time in years upon years that Ludwig had been able to go out and do something normal with someone who wasn't always breathing down his neck.
Alfred waited impatiently, jittery and very much looking forward to being alone with Ludwig in a dark theatre. What could he say? Alfred was kind of a creep, just a man after all.
That sentiment was heightened a bit later on in the evening when Ludwig went to change, and came out a long while later all cleaned up.
Ludwig wasn't as glamorous as Gilbert by any means, but he certainly dressed up to go to the theatre, and the suit he wore when he came out of the bedroom was certainly as lustrous as anything Gilbert had ever donned. Alfred's annual salary probably couldn't afford that damn suit. Excessive, sure, but damn if Ludwig didn't look good in it. He had washed his face, combed his hair back, shaved. Looked a little more alert, a little perked up. Not so sad. The circles under his eyes were just a little less obvious. Wore a nice watch that time, rivaling Gilbert's, and Alfred didn't bother asking about it because he didn't want to hear Ludwig say that it had been another 'gift' from Ivan.
Under that lovely suit, no doubt Ivan's ring was tucked safely away. Always around Ludwig's neck, as much as Ivan's hands ever had been. Ugh; bad thought. He cast it quickly aside, and focused on this gleaming Ludwig.
Ludwig certainly took a theatre trip seriously. Had never seen someone so rundown shine up so furiously.
As usual, Alfred's eyes were drawn to where they always were, right down to Ludwig's long legs, accentuated by the shade and cut of the suit.
Well, damn!
Alfred could certainly see why Ivan had been so eager to put a ring on it.
Ludwig shifted a little under Alfred's gaze, and he tried to be a bit less intense, swaggering forward and clapping Ludwig's arm.
"All that effort for me?" Alfred teased, and Ludwig's pale face once more burned red.
So easy to embarrass Ludwig.
It was kinda adorable, and that was a strange word to attach to a man like Ludwig, but there it was. When Ludwig blushed and squirmed, he was adorable, and there was nothing for it. Alfred loved it, and tried not to think too much about Ivan making Ludwig blush. Hard not to compare himself constantly to a man that had successfully seduced this arctic fox, and Alfred's latent insecurity always brought those thoughts to the forefront.
Alfred was excited, pumped up, at least until Alfred suddenly realized that he would be walking into the theatre next to this goddamn rocket scientist while wearing his shitty coat and blue jeans.
Ludwig seemed to be thinking the same thing, and suddenly said, softly, "If you'd like... It doesn't matter, really, but if you'd like, you could wear one of Ivan's suits. The fit won't be too great."
Alfred grimaced, and quickly said, as casually as possible, "No thanks."
Ludwig nodded, and they set out.
Alfred was always self-conscious, and what he was wearing wouldn't change that. Woulda been a hell of a lot worse, though, trying to wear one of Ivan's suits, only to feel insecure about the ill fit and knowing that Ivan was bigger than he was.
Stupid.
Because he was nervous, Alfred did dart forward, at the last second, and once more hold Ludwig's coat out for him, because a dressed-up Ludwig kind of intimidated him.
Ludwig, as always, humored him, and soon they were on the subway.
Ludwig's polished shoes looked strange amongst the dirty train car.
The lights of the city were just as bright, however, when they stepped out back into the freezing air. The snow had slackened off for now, leaving a terrible, wet slush on the sidewalk. Ludwig walked through it without second thought, and Alfred followed behind blindly.
Next thing he knew, he was inside of a theatre, amongst men and women who were as equally dressed up as Ludwig. Had never seen so much jewelry in his life. Women in full-blown ball gowns, Jesus pleasus, diamonds and gold glinting everywhere.
Alfred tried to focus on Ludwig, and not panic.
Ludwig didn't seem to mind that Alfred was very clearly out of place, and sat next to him with absolutely no hesitations and no second-glances.
"So!" Alfred finally asked, when they were settled in. "What are we seeing?"
"Swan Lake."
Alfred balked.
"What? A ballet? This isn't what I had in mind, exactly."
To be fair, he probably should have expected classy Ludwig to go for a ballet or an opera. Way above Alfred's head, this kinda stuff, and he knew he going to be clueless. But he was happy to be here all the same, because Ludwig was beside of him and looked alert.
Kinda melancholy, though, out of nowhere, as his eyes ran over the stage.
A moment later, Ludwig murmured, deeply, "This is Ivan's favorite. A Russian ballet, set in Germany. He said...it seemed made for us. He said—"
Ludwig trailed off, abruptly, and didn't finish whatever he had in mind.
Alfred bit down his bitter scoff, and stayed silent.
One day, Ludwig would eventually forget about Ivan.
Hm—Alfred did wonder, briefly, if maybe Ludwig was attempting to use Alfred as a surrogate for Ivan, after having him briefly offer the use of Ivan's suits. Yeesh. Next thing he knew, Ludwig would probably offer him Ivan's cologne and shaving cream.
Not good for the old ego.
The lights suddenly dropped, the theatre went dark, and Alfred cast it aside, because, throughout his entire life, he had always taken what he could get. This was no different.
Smelling Ludwig there beside of him was nice, even if the ballet was...
Well. Something, alright.
It was above Alfred, alright, ballet, didn't really feel like his scene, but it was pretty to look at, the music was nice, and the best part of it all was when Ludwig would lean over to explain something to Alfred and their shoulders would press together. The feel of Ludwig's breath on his ear.
The hairs on the back of his neck stood up.
That indescribable sensation of being close to someone that you were becoming romantically invested in. Nothing like it. That little squirm of nervousness, exhilaration, the warmth and above all else the happiness.
Wasn't used to feeling happy, and it was addictive.
When the show ended and the applause started, though, when everyone was on their feet, Alfred happened to glance over and see that Ludwig wasn't clapping. Just stared at the stage, and even in the dark Alfred could see the water in his eyes. He turned back ahead, and pretended he didn't see, his own clapping slowing down and stopping altogether as he lost the heart for it.
A disheartening moment, as they stood motionless amongst the raucous crowd.
The lights came up, and Alfred dared a quick glance, but Ludwig had very perfectly composed himself.
When Ludwig turned to meet Alfred's eyes, he said, casually, "Thanks for coming. I trust you learned something."
Alfred straightened up his collar, smirking away, and anyone that had looked at Alfred then, legs spread and shoulders high, would never have been able to tell how mercilessly insecure he was at being in this room full of rich people.
"Learn something?" Alfred teased back. "I could teach the class! Get me up there next time."
A flash of shock on Ludwig's face, before he dissolved into laughter.
Ludwig's laugh was as nice as his voice, and Alfred tried hard to stay stoic but laughed a little, too. If only at the thought of himself up there in some goddamn tights, trying to jump around gracefully only to look more like a dying fish.
Ludwig no doubt was imagining the same.
Alfred's pride was well worth Ludwig laughing, and when they were back out in the streets, it was snowing again. As usual, Ludwig lifted his eyes up, watching the snow falling against the lights of the city, and seemed content.
When Ludwig was happy, calm, tranquil, he was alarmingly handsome.
A rush of affection, powerful and potent, burning, and Alfred very stupidly turned to look at Ludwig, extended his arm, and asked, brightly, "Shall I escort you home?"
Stupid.
But, years and years ago, a lifetime past, Alfred had held his arm out like that to her, when they had been children and searching for escape, and that was the only thing that ever really made her smile. When she clung to his arm, pretending they were somewhere else, different people, that was the only time she had ever looked happy.
Just wanted Ludwig to smile, too. A real smile, that pretty one that had only been shown in that photo. That bright, beaming one. Wanted Ludwig to smile at him as he smiled at Ivan.
And Ludwig did smile. Not that beam yet, not yet, but wider than any smile Alfred had yet seen, and maybe it was because Ludwig was in such a rare good mood that he snorted and took the offered arm.
They were really just dumb kids in that moment, arm in arm in the snow, and Ludwig looked over at Alfred and said, quite cattily, "You really take your job seriously, don't you?"
This one? Hell yeah.
Ludwig just didn't know yet why.
To make that slightly more obvious, to put himself out there a little, however inappropriate and untimely and selfish it may have been, Alfred leaned in far too close to Ludwig and said, "Of course. I'm still trying to win those points for those extra 'benefits'."
Ludwig's face wasn't red then because of the cold.
Before Ludwig could panic, Alfred added, far more casually, "You missed your calling, you know? You should be up there jumping around, with those stilts."
Ludwig snorted again, and loosened up.
It seemed that everything was going alright, that everything was on course. Ludwig was cheering up, slowly but surely, was warming so much to Alfred, they had become friends in a sense by then, for sure, comfortable and casual, and Alfred felt that the incline with Ludwig had become level ground.
But then there was a snag.
As usual.
Ludwig fell still, very abruptly and randomly, dragging Alfred to a halt, and Alfred glanced over to see Ludwig's eyes glued to the opposite side of the street, seemingly down an alley.
Stared and stared and stared, and Alfred felt the thrill of danger, the rush of adrenaline, because the hairs on the back of Ludwig's neck were standing outright and he was breathing through his mouth. Hadn't seen his eyes that wide, ever, as he stared into that dark void.
What did he see?
Beneath Ludwig's jaw, Alfred could see his pulse hammering. His pupils dilated, his nostrils flared, he was bristled in every possible way, and Alfred was looking at a very prime example of 'fight or flight' right then.
Alfred followed Ludwig's gaze, hand resting on his gun, but he didn't see anything. No matter how hard he looked, how long he stared, how he visually dissected that street and alley, he couldn't see anything. He didn't know if Ludwig was seeing things or if there was something Alfred was just missing, and so he kept his hand on his gun, just in case.
Ludwig seemed petrified, and had indeed frozen utterly still.
Staring away.
Maybe Ludwig, so frazzled under it all and not in a great place mentally, had caught a glimpse of something familiar and was now having a rush of panic for no reason. One of those random bouts of fear that sometimes came up, terrifying and hair-raising, yeah, but in the end pointless because nothing at all was there. When you swore there was someone in the backseat of your car at night, or something in the dark closet.
Just a case of nerves.
Ludwig moved then, at last, but only to very carefully and pointedly remove his arm from within Alfred's. Slowly. Purposefully. Could see Ludwig swallowing.
Alfred was anxious by then, too, because Ludwig's pale eyes hadn't once lifted from that alleyway, even as snow collected in his lashes and melted. Swore he hadn't even blinked.
Alfred reached out, rested his hand on the back of Ludwig's arm, and forcibly pushed him along, breaking Ludwig's trance, heart pounding and feeling nervous.
Ivan, perhaps? Lurking in shadows. Maybe Ivan was hidden there, staring out from the dark, following Ludwig as he seemed to.
...seeing Ludwig with his arm in Alfred's. Great.
Really didn't need to fuel that crazy man any more by adding jealousy into the mix, didn't need to give Ivan any ideas, didn't need Ivan to have another reason to harm Ludwig, thinking that Ludwig was having some kind of sordid affair with his bodyguard.
Not that it woulda been that sordid, in all fairness, because Ivan had already been kicked out.
Ivan had no more control over Ludwig.
Ludwig may not have yet known that, as little as Ivan did, because his good mood was demolished and he looked quite terrorized by the time they made it to the subway. Nothing unusual in this city, naturally, so no one cast panicked Ludwig a second glance.
Ludwig was breathing through his mouth even then, in that train car, looking around endlessly, aimlessly, foot tapping and pupils still consuming his irises, and Alfred could only watch him and keep guard.
Hated losing those little bits of comfort.
Ludwig never seemed to catch a break.
As soon as they were back home, jittery Ludwig ran straight to the cabinet and put back a sleeping pill. Alfred watched him as always, and wished that he had something comforting to say, anything at all, as Ludwig went for another bottle of wine.
Ludwig was going to end up killing himself if he kept doing this. Just took one instance of bad luck for him to stop breathing in the middle of the night. Alfred didn't have the heart to stop him, when it was obvious that Ludwig's hands were shaking and he looked so upset. Distraught.
Alfred liked more to think it was just terror, fear, at seeing Ivan there in the crowd and dark, but...
Somehow, Alfred felt that Ludwig was very upset because Ivan would get it into his head that Alfred and Ludwig were intimate, and maybe Ivan in a jealous rage would suddenly stop appearing altogether, ghosting Ludwig forever.
Ludwig didn't want to be without Ivan.
Ludwig missed Ivan, and for that was distraught.
Alfred just needed to show Ludwig that he could do everything Ivan had, and without the brutal downside. Didn't need to miss Ivan anymore, when there was someone else standing there right beside of him who would give him the same level of affection.
The only problem seemed to be in getting Ludwig to let go of this dream-Ivan that he so stubbornly clung to. That man was gone, and Alfred just couldn't figure out how to make Ludwig realize it at last. Alfred was thinking more and more about Ludwig every day, always had Ludwig on his mind, thought relentlessly about him at night until he fell asleep, and yet Ludwig was still so enamored with Ivan.
How did he even go about attempting to surmount such a love as that?
Seemed daunting, impossible, but Alfred was nothing if not determined.
He didn't quit, ever, and wouldn't start now.
Toris and Gilbert shoved Alfred towards Ludwig, emotionally manipulated Alfred for their own benefit, brought up the worst sentiments in Alfred in order to harness him and use him to keep Ludwig safe.
And Alfred was alright with that now, he was, because he cared about Ludwig.
Gilbert and Toris didn't need to try anymore, didn't need to threaten him or bring up his past, because Alfred had already gotten in over his head.
Would protect Ludwig from Ivan, whatever the cost, and he would have done so then even if Gilbert fired him that minute. Would have followed Ludwig and kept him safe, without the paycheck, because they had harnessed Alfred, alright, and damn well.
Ludwig was his second chance to do something right, yeah, but there was more to it than just that. Here was a chance to actually pin down something he had always wanted. A chance to make someone see him, and for them to like what they saw. A chance for Alfred to finally be worthwhile to someone. A chance for him to settle down and stay in one place.
To wake up and have someone smile at him.
Ludwig wasn't just a job anymore.
Like Ludwig, all Alfred wanted was to be loved.