Quick thing... I've been feeling low lately and even though I've been on top of things regarding my degree, there's always that voice in the back of my mind freaking me out, and I've just been unable to write or do anything lately. Writing makes me happier but lately, I needed time to just destress and think about something else. I'm better now and hope you guys enjoy the chapter.
Trigger warning: Miscarriage.
I'm going to elaborate... I felt like I needed to do this decision, based on two things. First, it happened to Frary in the show and second, following personal views, it made it more realistic. But that doesn't mean it's the end. It's only just the beginning from now on.
'Dear, Little One,
When I first found out about you, I was the happiest person in the world. I couldn't even feel you yet, but I felt flutters like the ones people would get when they feel like something is coming, bad or good. You were definitely good. I'm sorry, I couldn't carry you long enough to meet you and see your eyes open for the first time. I loved you from the moment I felt it in my heart that you were there. I'm so sorry. I will always love you.
Mummy x'
Mary doesn't quite know how to feel as she sits, numb to the world. She didn't want to believe it as it happened but having the midwife check her over in silence before excusing herself to fetch a doctor and the both of them giving each other glances and confirming tones, she had to come to terms with it.
Thirteen weeks.
She had thirteen weeks to be a mother, to feel like a mother and then it's taken away, just like that. The blood, the cramps, the tears... Not even Francis's warm arms and tight hugs and sweet words can console her.
Wiping her cheeks dry, she chucks her pen onto the coffee table and folds up the brief letter she wrote. She seals it up and places it in a box. 'Baby Stuart-Valois'. The baby that will never be.
The doorbell rings but she ignores it, putting the box away upstairs in her wardrobe before climbing into bed and pulling the duvet over her head. After all of those cycles to have a baby, she finally gets one and it's gone.
It's fucking unfair, she thinks tearfully, sobs escaping her lips.
"Mary?"
Peeking out of her duvet cave, she finds her mother standing by the door. "Mummy..."
"Oh, Mare-Bear," her mother sighs, getting in the bed and pulling Mary to her chest. "I know, it hurts."
"I really wanted him."
"I know."
"He was beautiful... And then... he was gone," she says, her voice breaking. "Is this how it felt every time before you had me?"
Marie blinks back tears, dabbing at her eyes with her sleeve. "I felt like a piece of me was taken with them, each time. But when I had you... Oh, all of those pieces came back and I felt alive. Mary... this isn't the end of the journey for you. You will have a child, whatever way it may come to be because the world needs mothers like you. Caring, warm, loyal... Any child would be lucky to have you as their mother. Now, listen to me."
"Mum-"
"You're going to grab a shower, brush your teeth and hair and get dressed. Then you're going to put on a boxset and join me and Francis for pizza, hmm?"
Mary lets out a breathy chuckle. "You hate pizza."
"My baby needs me. I'll like whatever she likes if it means she's all better for it," Marie replies, pressing a kiss on Mary's forehead.
Closing her eyes, Mary feels her mother's lips on her forehead and sighs. She holds onto her for a little while longer before getting out of her bed and heading into the bathroom. She's been a mess ever since it happened and all she could do is grieve.
It's been a week now. She would have been fourteen weeks pregnant if the pregnancy remained but it didn't.
April sucks.
"Hey."
Seeing Francis through the mirror, she turns and walks up to him before snuggling into his chest, feeling his arms envelop her.
"We're going to get through this, yeah?" He says, kissing the side of her head.
Mary nods against his chest, closing her eyes and listening to the beating of his heart. Maybe we fucked it up by telling everyone too soon, she thinks sadly. She doesn't even know if everyone knows yet.
They've not quite been accepting visitors and Francis must have called her mother as a last resort to get some life into her.
"I can't keep a pregnancy," she starts quietly. "What kind of shitty human being am I?"
"Mary..."
"I've been waiting for this for a long time... And when I got it, I lost it."
Francis pulls away to cup her cheeks and force her to look at him. "These things just happen, Mary, of no fault of anyone. There are no reasons why or warnings... They just happen but you heard what Dr Diaz said. Having a miscarriage does not prevent the chances of carrying another baby into full-term. We're going to try again when you're ready and I'm here-"
"I don't want another cycle," Mary cuts him off. "I don't want to try again. I don't think I can. I'm broken, I just-"
"Hey, it's okay," he hushes her when she starts getting hysterical. "We'll talk about it when you're ready but let's just... let's keep calm. I love you so much, remember that."
She sniffles, nodding. "I love you too," she mumbles.
"And you're going to be okay."
"Yeah..." She says dubiously before sighing and closing her eyes, continuing to listen to his heart.
...
"Can I...?"
Kenna looks away from her daughter in shock to see Mary's waiting arms. "Y-Yeah, sure," she says, placing Raven into Mary's arms. "I'm really sorry."
"Yeah," Mary mumbles, smiling down at Raven. "You're such a pretty girl, aren't you?"
"You can try again, you know?"
Mary sighs heavily, turning to Kenna. "I don't think I'm going to be ready for a long while yet."
"It's the shock," Kenna says. "Uh, they're not really spoken about, are they? Miscarriages..."
Mary shakes her head, looking down at the baby who now sleeps in her arm. "No, they're not."
"There's a stigma around it," Kenna continues. "No one quite knows what to say... But I do."
Mary's eyes flicker back to Kenna. "When?"
"I had six before she came along. That's why there are seven years between her and Robin. Every time I was ready... I'd lose the baby. I'd be terrified to tell anyone in case they'd... I was right and then I wasn't. Because of her."
Mary looks back down at the baby and smiles. "So, this isn't the end?"
"No, Mary, of course not! Oh, my darling, it will happen," Kenna says. "I'm telling you not to lose hope. God, I'm so happy whenever I look at Raven and think about the journey I had to have her. You're going to look back at this moment and think 'God, why was I so hopeless?' when you hold your baby in your arms and the next, he's walking and talking and going to school and graduating from university and getting married... You're going to be so surprised, Mary. This isn't the end for you."
"I just need a moment," Mary mumbles. "Before I even think about trying again."
"Trust me, you're going to get what you wish for," Kenna promises her. "Right, help me put her in her crib."
"I'd just like to hold her for a little while. Is that okay?" Mary asks softly.
Kenna blinks back tears and nods. "Of course. She loves her Aunt Mary's warm embrace..." She smiles fondly before standing up. "I'll turn on the kettle then."
Mary's eyes land on the baby in her arms and she smiles, brushing her thumb over the baby's cheek. "Is your mama right? Am I going to give you a little cousin one day?" She smiles when the baby tiredly blinks at her before settling back asleep. "Okay, if you say so..." Then she leans down to whisper to the baby. "I think I'll be ready soon, but right now... I think it's okay to cry."
She doesn't realise that Kenna's listening and smiling to herself before she leaves the room to put the kettle on.
...
"I've had a think about..." Mary trails off, waving her hand pointedly as Francis stops eating and looks up to listen. "And I've decided that we should try again."
His face breaks out into a smile as he reaches across the table to take her hand in his. "I'm happy you said that. I didn't want to push you, but you forget... I know you better than you think."
She returns the smile. "Yeah, you do... I've spoken to the girls and my mother and they all encouraged me that... miscarriages don't mean that I'll never get pregnant. In fact, I'm more likely to carry a baby to term within the first six months of a miscarriage."
"Right," Francis says, nodding. "And when is it safe to try again?"
Mary shrugs a little. "Four to six weeks. Just after I get my first period since the miscarriage. It depends."
"Okay," Francis replies, squeezing her hand. "We're going to have a baby, don't worry. And when it's time, we'll call the clinic up again and-"
"I don't think I want an IUI, Francis."
Francis's brows raise. "Okay. Then I'll start researching about IVF-"
"You said something about wanting to put your sperm in the host, herself."
Francis chokes, grabbing a napkin to wipe his mouth. "Mary, we're eating!"
She laughs softly and he realises how much he's missed hearing that sound from her. It feels like forever since she's laughed like that since their loss.
"Francis, I want to have sex. We've been abstaining for God knows what reason... I just, I want to be your girlfriend in every way possible," she tells him. "And it's cheaper to get pregnant if we just do it."
"I've been waiting for you to say that for a long time but did you have to do it now?" He asks.
"Why?"
"Because I want to take you to the sofa right now but you can't have sex yet until..." He gives her a pointed look.
Mary grins. "Well, damn," she says. "Looks like you'll just have to wait then."
"You're going to kill me one day, do you know that?"
Blushing, she digs right back into her dinner. "Yeah. Don't be surprised when you least expect it..."
...
Five weeks later, her period comes and she sighs heavily. It's still sore to her and everyone is supportive and saying all the right things but sometimes, she just wonders what if the baby survived?
She's grateful that she's alive and able to try again but it seems strange, to just move on from a baby by replacing it with another. To her at least. As she dwells in her thoughts, she misses Francis entering the bathroom with a grin on his face as he stares at his phone.
"It's done."
"What's done?" She asks, chucking her underwear into the laundry basket after changing it and padding up.
"I've booked us, a week away in Norway, this Winter," he tells her as she washes her hands. "We have the best hotel and get this... The best views to see the Aurora Borealis, better known as the Northern lights."
Mary's brows raise. "Wow, we're waiting that long to go on a lovely holiday?" She asks, wrapping her arms around his waist.
"Well, if we went there now, we wouldn't be able to see them," he replies. "And my mother called to ask if we were planning anything for Christmas to go and see them again and I just thought we needed time with each other so I went and booked it. Just so it didn't look like I was lying to her. She sulks when we're dishonest."
Mary chuckles and nods. "Yeah, that's fine," she tells him. "My period's started..."
"So we can...?"
"Yeah," she breathes out, unsurely. "Do you still want to?"
"Mary, of course, I do. Only, if you want it too?"
Mary nods before sighing. "I just know that we'll probably not get pregnant on the first try and I'm still tracking my ovulation periods and... I can't handle disappointment. At least, when it comes to this."
Francis brushes her hair away from her face, slipping it behind her ears. "I get it. Mary, no matter how long it takes us... we'll get there. And there are other options, as long as we're together and we both love that little guy or girl so much."
"Yeah," she whispers, kissing him softly. "I'm excited about Norway... Couldn't have extended that week into two, could you?"
He laughs. "We'll see but for now, let's just enjoy where things take us..."
So, we're in May and Francis and Mary are finally consummating their relationship, following their loss. Can't wait to give you the next part because their bond is truly special, and it will reflect greatly.