*Disclaimer: This story is based on the characters portrayed by Ralph Finnes & Embeth Davidtz in the movie "Schindler's List" and is purely fiction. I do not support Nazi ideology. *
Chapter 30: The Berlin Affair
Helen knocks on Felix's office door.
"Come in."
Helen quietly approaches Felix's desk as he continues to talk over the phone. Helen places the folder that contains the documents he has requested earlier that day. As she turns to leave, Felix motions her to stay. Helen stands and waits for Felix to end what seems like a business related conversation. She looks around the office, trying to place her sight on something other than Felix. Staring down at the carpet, she hopes to leave as quickly as possible. Since reading The Berlin Affair, it has become increasingly uncomfortable for her to be around him.
Helen lifts her head upon hearing Felix put the phone receiver down.
"How are you?"
Helen gets apprehensive. At times Felix's icy blue eyes can act like tentacles that reaches out, grips and squeezes you in attempt to burst open your inner thoughts. Helen had similar experiences with the Commandant in the past. The Goeth's blue eyes were mysteriously hypnotic. There's a lot of things Helen wants to hide at the moment. From the Commandant, from the world and now from Felix.
'I cannot flinch.'
"Good, thank you," Helen replies.
"Angela tells me how well you are progressing. If the workload seems overwhelming, please let me know."
Helen nods.
"Liesl and I are planning on visiting our country estate in a few weeks. Not so grand, but it can be a good short vacation. We would be delighted if you and Leopold can join."
Helen hesitates to answer, not knowing how to accept the invitation.
'Am I invited as a… friend…family…or employee?'
Her position in both the Commandant and the Goeth's life has evolved quite far from where it actually started. With the Commandant, what began as a tortured slave and her owner has grown into a form of domestic partnership. To the Goeths, she was "Leopold's Polish female companion" who has now gained acceptance as a semi family member.
A whirlwind of ever changing identities.
"Thank you," Helen finally says.
Felix nods and lets Helen leave the office without furthering the conversation. Helen seizes the opportunity and hurries out the door.
Felix watches from his office window as Helen makes her way towards the bus stop. He takes the moment to realize how much Helen has transformed since first meeting her. It wasn't solely due to her heightened fashion sense. Helen may not notice her own metamorphosis as they came in subtle increments. Just by examining how she carries herself around the office was enough for Felix to see how the once intimidated Polish country girl is growing up to be a confident Viennese lady. Helen's shy nature hasn't changed. But the self-assurance she has accumulated is helping to reveal an enchanting young woman.
Was this apparent to Leopold from the beginning?
Felix looks up at the sky and takes a deep breath.
Helen takes a seat next to the window. She is glad to have escaped the invisible clutches of Felix Goeth. Helen hopes that he didn't notice anything awkward.
Despite the fact that Felix has previously shared his past relationship about Rose Cohen, The Berlin Affair has provided far more details on them than Helen wants to know. It was as if she was reading intimate information on her own parents.
The Berlin Affair is a sharp criticism of the Nazi regime through the lens of a fictional German upper-middle class family based in Berlin. The story mainly evolves around the three brothers and their life's journey against the backdrop of the tumultuous German history. Although the names have been altered and some characters being combined or split up, Helen managed to figure out who they were in real life. The book is the Goeth family saga lay bare, presented in a marvelous piece of literature. It has been Helen's nightly ritual to read The Berlin Affair in secrecy, trying to absorb its riveting content. So far, she has managed to make it halfway through the book.
It was easy for Helen to identify the eldest son character as Felix Goeth. Not only were their appearance and characteristics identical, but the author also added the plot similar to its real-life model. His broken love also focused on the antisemitism that was deeply rooted in the German community that existed long before the entry of the Nazi regime. Helen was in awe of how descriptive Hans Goeth wrote the suffering of his character that matches exactly what she witnessed in Felix during their conversation about Rose.
Helen wonders how much creative liberty Hans Goeths took in writing The Berlin Affair. The progression of the book invites Helen deeper into the Goeth family history. As an outsider, at times, Helen feels she's being intrusive.
'How is the Commandant absorbing all this?'
Helen leans her head against the bus window. It's no wonder that the Commandant has been acting strange since obtaining the book. As much as Helen anticipates the development of the novel, she is also nervous about what will be revealed.
'What I've read so far is just the tip of the iceberg.'
Helen's assumption wasn't far from the truth.
Since finishing The Berlin Affair, Amon operated in a state of disorientation. While on surface he managed to conduct his daily responsibilities, a war was waged inside Amon. His initial hope was that the book would provide answers that he craved since childhood. But rather than offering closure, The Berlin Affair became a pandora's box. An avalanche of knowledge poured over and was burying Amon alive.
From the very moment his father handed him the book, Amon questioned Felix's true motive. Despite the crack in their relationship, Amon knew his father wasn't entrapping him by sharing the forbidden literature. It was his father's own way of communicating with his difficult son. Felix may want to heal wounds but will never explain or coerce understanding by sharing the family's past with Amon directly.
Too many stories…multiple agonies… misunderstandings….
To the public, The Berlin Affair is acknowledged as a work of fiction. Hans Goeth rarely gave interviews and never admitted the novel being autobiographical nor share the origins of his inspirations. But the line between fact and fiction wasn't blurred to Amon. There's no need for verifications. Not only did Uncle Hans keep his promise of dedicating a novel to his young nephew, he delivered a dose of hard truth to Amon.
For starters, the revelation of his father's Jewish lover shocked Amon.
Like father like son.
In a strange way, reading through the lover's journey, made Amon slightly jealous of Felix. Only in his dreams can Amon possibly imagine having such a pure and passionate relationship with Helen. Theirs can never start on a clean slate. Certain burdens of the past can never be erased.
But because of its purity, so was the amount of pain Felix and his Jewish lover had to endure at the end. This also took Amon by surprise. He always perceived his father as a meticulous and strong willed man.
'Felix Goeth making a mistake?'
But don't we all make devastating and regretful choices during our youth.
Gaining a glimpse of a carefree and passionate portrayal of the younger Felix Goeth was interesting to his son. Perhaps the years had hardened Felix after what had happened. Perhaps that is what happens to men who fails to protect the one they love. Perhaps entering a disastrous marriage with an unlovable woman led Felix to become an apathetic man.
'And there I came into the world. A grotesque mistake.'
The next question Amon had was the whereabouts of his mother. Indeed, Uncle Hans created a character based on Edith Goeth who married a man due to an unplanned pregnancy. For some reason, Uncle Hans decided to deal with her character as vaguely as possible. She plays a minor character, and her inner thoughts or feelings are totally excluded. As in real life, her marriage meets a catastrophic end and Edith's character runs away with another man to Belgium.
The conclusion of Edith Goeth's character comes pretty quickly. Just after a few years of starting a new life in Brussels, she dies due to an unspecified illness. This part of the novel caused Amon great distress followed by unanswered questions. Was this based on fact or by the author's imagination? Did Uncle Hans keep in touch with her?
Like any orphan, Amon secretly hoped to someday reunite with his mother. In his mind, Amon believed the root of his issue with women started the moment his mother left. He craved the unconditional love only a mother can give, at the same time despise females who has the capability of inflicting such pain. Edith chose to chase after a brief moment of happiness, even if the cost was to sacrifice her son.
'Selfish bitch.'
He was willing to forgive his mother or at least be prepared to listen to her side of the story. Now that opportunity may never come.
The final blow came directly from Uncle Hans. Although the age was slightly altered, Amon quickly identified the third son in the novel as himself. Through his writing, Amon gained knowledge of all the expectation that Uncle Hans had for his young Mony. From an early age, Amon was pressured to pursue a life as an academic by Felix. Hans knew that wasn't fitting for nephew and privately encouraged him to follow his heart. Uncle Hans himself was a free-spirited artist who didn't bode by society's rules.
Amon did exactly that. He became a successful Nazi officer of the Third Reich. It was the best rebellion Amon pulled against his father, who despised such lifestyle. Amon thought that Uncle Hans would be pleased at such defiance.
But the writing in The Berlin Affair made it clear that Uncle Hans was not only disappointed in him but appalled and outrage by Amon serving the Nazis. Hans Goeth clearly has distaste towards fascism, even during its popularity in Britain before the war. Amon felt his blood freeze while reading his character's career development that parallel his own. The progression of his military career, all the way up to being a Commandant of a Polish concentration camp was eerily identical.
'How the fuck did he get all this information?'
Uncle Hans describes the horror of Amon's violent conducts with utter disgust and dismay. Perhaps one of the reasons is due to the implication that Uncle Hans, similar to his own character, is a closeted homosexual. In the novel, the two younger brothers fights over their political beliefs. The brother's relationship shatters as Amon's character's Nazi career gains momentum.
The Berlin Affairs turned out to be not the sweet dedicated novel Amon expected from his beloved uncle. It was a bullet of hatred and disappointment shot by Hans Goeth towards a Nazi officer named Amon Leopold Goeth.
His entire adult life was consumed by the enthusiasm in becoming the ideal Nazi. He kept moving forward without reflection. Amon believed he was doing the right thing. But what happens when the institution you sacrificed everything turned out to be a hoax? A Jewish Hitler? What happens when the one person you counted on turns out to loath you?
Amon feels himself unraveling as the whole world collapses around him. His mind and body starts to deteriorate, piece by piece like a slow torture.
'I can't go on…I just can't…'
Helen stops mixing the bread dough and looks up at the clock on the kitchen wall. The Commandant has taken to bed since Wednesday night and hasn't been out of his bedroom for days. It's now 2 o'clock on a Sunday afternoon.
'What is he surviving on?'
Helen sighs. She walks over to the kitchen sink and turns the faucet on. As she scrubs her hands, Helen contemplates what to do. The Commandant hasn't gone to work and refused all his meals. She couldn't be a simple bystander anymore. Helen takes her apron off before heading towards Amon's bedroom.
Helen gently knocks his door twice and listens to any response.
Nothing.
Helen turns the doorknob and is surprised to notice that it isn't locked. On entering the room, Helen is hit with the smell of thick human musk. There are dozens of empty bottles of alcohol and ashtrays filled with cigarette buds covering the Commandant's nightstand. The curtains are drawn, adding to the gloomy ambiance of the room.
Helen sees Amon bundled underneath the covers with his back towards her. She tiptoes to the opposite side of the bed to see his sleeping face poking out. Helen carefully reaches out and puts her hand on his forehead.
"I'm not sick."
Startled, Helen recoils her hand away from him.
"Leave me," Amon mumbles as he turns to the other side.
'Depression?'
Helen shakes her head at the thought.
'What a luxurious nonsense!'
Whatever the Commandant might be going through, it couldn't be anything near what Helen had to endure throughout her short life. Her focus was on surviving without a moment to moan and groan about her situation. The Commandant is starting to look like a child who refuses to go to school. His attitude is starting to irritate her.
Amon remains inside the cocoon of bedsheets. The whole world should just leave him alone. Wanting to fall back to sleep, Amon waits to hear Helen walk out of the room. But suddenly Amon feels the bed shake. He slowly opens his eyes and sees Helen sitting right next to him on the bed.
'What the fuck?'
"I told you to leave," Amon barks.
"You have been in bed for days. You need to get up, sir."
"Get out!" Amon orders.
"No," Helen replies calmly.
"If you don't get out..."
"This isn't healthy," Helen cuts in.
"Why the fuck do you care?"
Amon sees the hurt flash across Helen's face.
'She really means it...'
Amon closes his eyes and lets out a long sigh, immediately regretting his outburst. Indeed, he has been couped up in his room for days, not eating or sleeping properly. He can sense that Helen is on the verge of yanking him out of bed herself if he kept resisting. Plus, Amon doesn't have a drop of energy left to argue back.
Helen watches as Amon slowly emerges from underneath the sheets and observes the abominable mess he has become. The once sharp and energized devil who ripped people into shreds now sits in front of her looking haggard with the vitality of an old man.
"You are quite the stubborn bitch, you know that?" Amon says with a smirk.
Helen says nothing but Amon can read the deep sorrow in her eyes. He regrets once again for making light of the situation. His words were pouring insult on Helen's sincerity. Amon feels like a scum.
"How about getting something to eat? I'd like to get some fresh air too. I'll be out in 20 minutes."
Amon sees he hasn't convinced Helen completely. She continues to stare at him with suspicion.
"I promise," Amon says firmly.
Finally, Helen rises from the Commandant's bed and leaves the room.
Amon drinks in the crisp afternoon air, feeling alive again. Helen quietly walks beside him as they walk down the road.
"Let's sit down for a bit," Amon suggests, changing direction towards a small park nearby.
Helen follows Amon as he walks over to a bench in front of a playground. For a while they sit side by side in silence, watching the children play. The air is filled with the children's giggles and laughter.
"How far have you gone through the book?" Amon asks.
"Halfway, sir."
"Do you like it?"
"It's...brilliant. A masterpiece."
Amon nods in agreement.
"Bet it really pissed off my father," Amon says slightly laughing.
Amon and Helen continue to watch the children play. Helen spots a young mother pushing her small boy on the swing, her face filled with joy as her child squeals in excitement. Amon sees them too.
"…Do you think she was happy?" Amon suddenly asks.
She?
"I wonder if it was all worth it for her at the end. By leaving it all behind, you know?"
His mother.
"That kid is lucky. To be wanted… and protected," Amon says as he continues to observe the child on the swing.
'Was I not good enough for her?'
Thinking of the question that plagued all his life, Amon suddenly feels his eyes brim with tears. Amon swallows hard and sniffs noisily, trying not to embarrass himself in public. Helen is taken aback by Amon's reaction. She catches a glimpse of him biting his lips. Helen's heart sinks seeing the devastation of the child within Amon.
If Helen's own mother left her to fulfill her own selfish desires, would Helen be able to forgive? Would Helen also wrap herself in anguish and disappointment?
Suddenly, the truth hits Helen.
That's how it all started. The child became the monster.
"All that for nothing..." Amon finally says quietly.
"And all this bullshit…" Amon says as gestures their surrounding with his hand.
"…For nothing as well."
Helen looks around the park. For years, everyone was swept up in the madness in chasing the ultimate glory Hitler promised. People participated in the act of carnage, slaughtering and piling bodies of victims to build this monstrous empire. Its result? More violence, terror, fear and confusion. Similar to the blind choice Edith Goeth made, everyone continuously ran until they hit a brick wall. What is the meaning of life? What are we striving to achieve? What is happiness?
You are.
Without a word, Amon reaches out for Helen's hand, carefully intertwining his fingers with hers. As Amon grips her hand tightly, Helen feels a strange kinship with him. They are both motherless orphans and nation less citizens. They were like two shipwrecked survivors, who has no one else to depend on but each other.
Amon slowly rises from the bench, continuing to hold Helen's hand and leads her towards their original destination. Feeling warmth through her tiny hand, Amon realizes that it is Helen who is sustaining him from completely crumbling. All that power Amon thought he possessed using his fists, guns and Nazi ranks is nothing compare to what this delicate human is able to do. She has the ability to give him life or death.
Helen is the only person who cares for him. And she wants him to live.
You are the reason to go on.
Amon tugs Helen close to him and plants a soft kiss on her cheek. Helen feels her face burn in odd sensation, not knowing if it's due to excitement or embarrassment. Helen looks up as Amon gently brushes the spot where he kissed her with his thumb. Their eyes lock and Helen is able to read Amon's mind through his tender gaze.
Thank you.
His heartfelt look leaves Helen breathless. She realizes that she can't control what is about to happen.
She was falling in love.
*Hello everyone! My schedule has been intense for the past few months and may continue to do so. But I wanted to make sure a new chapter was published in time for the holidays as a gift to you all. Stay safe and have a great year 2021!
I received a few questions and decided to share with you a quick Flash Q&A.
(Flash Q & A)
Q: How long are you planning on writing "Hidden Lives"?
A: As of today, I have planned up to Chapter 42.
Q: How much time do you spend in writing a chapter?
A: My current schedule allows me to write about 3~4 chapters per year, so roughly 3 months to write one chapter.
Q: What was the hardest thing to write till now?
A: To visualize 1940s Europe has taken a lot of research, but it's been a fun challenge.
Q: Who's your favorite character to analyze and write?
A: So far… all of them? I don't have a favorite child
Q: What has happened to Schindler and his Jews?
A: The fate of Schindler will be revealed very soon, around Chapter 32.