Chapter 13

Not long after Daniel left, Vala reached her physical limit for boxing. It was as if he had zapped any remaining strength she had. As she showered, she noticed that she only felt only marginally better after her attempt to rid herself the anger Daniel stirred up inside her. A good portion remained. She needed to deal with it and soon before it festered and made things more difficult. She was a mess on the inside, the turmoil within her was wreaking havoc on her emotional state and she needed to do something about it. The mental and emotional stress was killing her. There was only one solution she could think of: Teal'c. She had in the past joined him for his kelno'reem and it had helped on occasions.

Freshly showered and in clean clothes, Vala knocked on the Jaffa's door. Her Teal'c normally hadn't minded when she joined him and she hoped this Teal'c wouldn't either. When he opened his door, she gave him a small smile and wave. "Hi Teal'c."

Teal'c gave her a small bow. "Vala Jackson, may I be of any assistance?"

She winced internally at the use of her married name. "Mal Doran, please," she corrected. "And yes, I was wondering if you would permit me to join you in kelno'reem?"

"Is this something we did in your reality?"

Vala smiled fondly, remembering the times she joined him. "Yes. It always helped me calm down inside, gave me some peace. I could really use that right about now," she confessed. "I promise I won't be any trouble."

Teal'c opened his door wider and moved to let her in. He didn't say anything else as he took his normal seat on the floor. Vala quietly closed the door and sat across from him. It had been a while since she had done this with him and she hoped she could settle down enough and concentrate to be fully immersed.

Instead of letting herself go into a deep meditated state, her mind began to wonder. After all that had happened within the past few months, Vala realized that she never really hadn't a quiet moment to herself. There was always one the children needing something, an alarm going off at the Delta Site, a situation that needed attending, the hunt for the perfect reality, or something that prevented her from taking a moment to process everything that had happened. Taking such a moment, she knew, could have very well destroy her. Vala never had a chance to grieve the loss of her husband, her friends, her world, not properly at least. There almost was always something that prevented her and the rare times that gave her the opportunity to do so, she ignored. She had been somewhat in denial. She also knew she couldn't take that the opportunity to grieve, especially then and under those circumstances. There was too much that had to be done. She couldn't do that to the children, they needed her and she couldn't let them see her that way either.

Vala felt the repressed emotions bubble up within her and she couldn't stop the tears that began to silently fall. The anger she felt for Daniel, maybe it wasn't all directed at him, at least not this Daniel. She didn't want to be, but she was angry at her husband: for leaving her, for dying, for not coming with her when she begged him. No, this Daniel didn't deserve the fully brunt of her fury. It didn't excuse his behavior or words, but it wasn't fair to lay all blame on him either.

The floodgates had been released inside her. The last two months of repressed anguish and grief came out. Her tears fell faster and she bit back a sob as a series of memories flashed in her mind like a movie: the first time she saw Daniel, the days he spent with her after Qetesh was removed, their friendship, the day she realized she loved him, their first kiss, the first time he told her he loved her, his proposal, the moment she saw him on their wedding day, his vows, their first kiss as a married couple, their first dance, the day she told him she was pregnant, every happy moment she had with him, their life together, and lastly, their final moment together, his last words.

Vala hadn't realized that she had started to openly cry or that Teal'c had moved next to her until he drew her into his side without saying a word. She twisted to wrap her arms around him and just cried. She cried for the friends she had lost, the world she knew as home, the reality that she helped bring destruction to, and for her husband. She cried knowing that her child would never know him, that he wouldn't never know the life they created, the child they both wanted so badly.

She cried for the life she had lost. The life she would now never have.

All anger melted away as Vala finally let go and embraced the grief. There was no longer anything holding her back now. No world to defend, no reality to find, no children to look after, no one needing her expertise. Nothing. All that remained was for her to finally mourn.

After a while, her cries slowly turned to sniffles before ceasing altogether, but neither Teal'c nor Vala made any attempts to move from their embrace or positions on the floor for the next few minutes. Vala's head rested on his shoulder as she tried to compose herself. She was thankful that the person she finally lost it on was with Teal'c. He wouldn't push her or ask questions.

Wiping the remaining tears from her face, she sat up fully, and looked at Teal'c, who stared back at her with a concerned look. "Thank you, Teal'c," she said sincerely. "I didn't know how much I needed that."

He bobbed his head gently, "Will you be alright?" he asked gently.

She let out a watery chuckle and nodded her head. "I will be," she answered. "I'm sorry I ruined your kelno'reem, especially after I promised I wouldn't. I swear it wasn't my intention to completely lose it on you."

"There is nothing to forgive, Vala Jackson."

She didn't bother to correct him this time. They both rose from the floor and Vala wrapped him in a tight hug and mumbled another 'thank you' before leaving the room. She made the short trip of a few feet to her quarters and quickly shed her boots, pants, and jacket before flopping on her bed and wrapped her blankets around her.

She tried not to, but she gave in to more tears and eventually quietly cried herself to sleep.

Sam balanced a tray of food in one hand and knocked on Vala's door with the other. She had tried earlier and found the woman asleep after she received a call from Teal'c. He hadn't told her any details but simply suggested that she look in on Vala. Sam had asked Jack to keep the kids, even though it was her shift and went to find Vala. When she hadn't answered the door the first time, Sam let herself in and found her fast asleep with a tear stained face, and Sam understood why Teal'c suggested she look in on Vala.

This time, Sam heard a soft 'come in,' so she slowly entered. "Hi," she raised the tray she held, "thought you might want something to eat since you missed lunch."

Vala was still on her bed, leaning against the headboard, and with a pillow hugged to her chest. She gave Sam a look. "Teal'c told you?"

Sam crossed the room and sat the tray on the bed and took a seat on the edge. "Teal'c didn't tell me anything other than he thought you could use my company."

She snorted and grabbed a half of the sandwich from the tray and scarfed down most of it. "Sounds like him."

"I assume Daniel found you and it didn't go well?" she guessed and saw Vala nod. "Are you okay?" Vala shrugged and ate the other half of the sandwich. "Why did Teal'c have me check on you?"

Vala avoided Sam's eyes and played with the grapes on the tray. After calling out her name again, Vala looked at her. "After beating the hell out of the punching bag in the gym, I went to Teal'c to kelno'reem. It didn't go the way I expected. I kind of broke down on him. To be fair, I am pregnant and the hormones are making me wonko," she quickly explained in one breath.

Sam gave her a sympathetic smile. "I don't think you can blame the hormones on this one."

Vala popped a grape in her mouth. "You're probably right, as usual."

Sam hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I bet that with all that has happened, everything's been nonstop for you, no rest or peace, and leaving you with little to no time to process it all. Have you had a chance to before now?"

"No, not really. At least not properly," Vala replied and then whispered, "I miss him."

Sam gave Vala's arm a gentle squeeze. "I know," she sympathized. "Can I do anything?"

Vala sniffed and swiped a stray tear. "No. No, I don't think so, but thank you for asking, for being here."

Vala finished her meal in silence, a comfortable silence. Sam even snagged a few pieces of fruit from the tray. When Vala had finished, Sam spoke. "Can I ask you something?" she asked gingerly and continued after Vala's nod. "Colonel O'Neill and I were thinking, well we had this an idea, and you can say no if you want! We don't want to pressure you or –"

"Samantha," Vala stopped her ramble.

"We were wondering if you'd be willing to watch the kids at Jack's house? That way they won't have to be at the SGC. Because let's face it, it's not the safest place. It would only be until we can find someone else or get them into a daycare program. Janet has even agreed to watch them on her days off so you would have a break. We obviously won't be working the weekends, well not both of us. Unless there's an emergency I gu-"

"Samantha, of course I will," Vala interrupted again. "Has General Hammond agreed to this?"

Sam let out a breath. "He has," she confirmed.

When Jack and her got to the base this morning, they had gone to him once they got here and sought permission. Again, he anticipated their request and granted it. Some of the higher ups were more weary to let the alien off base, but the President trusted Hammond's judgement and assessment of Vala and had backed up the General. Since it was Friday, Vala could start going on Monday. Hammond had arranged for an SF to drop and pick her up from the O'Neill residence. Sam hoped this would help her. Vala had confessed to her that felt useless and no longer had a purpose. Hopefully, this would help the alien woman adapt to her new reality and give her that routine and the normalcy that she was searching for.

Vala guessed Sam had an ulterior motive apart from her concern for the children's safety and she appreciated it. "Thank you, Sam."

Sam understood her meaning. This would be good for Vala, to get off the base, to get away from the SGC, and away from memories that may linger there. "It's my pleasure."