Fred

"Hey, William!" I give him my biggest and broadest Texas smile. "Mind if I sit down?"

I knew I'd find him out here. This seems to be his inner sanctum, or outer sanctum I guess. Not that I can blame him. The little courtyard garden is about as serene as anything around here ever gets.

"Fred! Oh, yes, terribly sorry!" He jumps up like a nervous cat, his book in one hand as he dips his head a bit and waves at the little bench. "I didn't see you there. Please, do sit. I'll just…"

"I meant sit with you, silly," I give his arm a playful little slap as I sit myself down.

"Oh," He looks at me and blushes just the prettiest shade of pink.

Not that he isn't manly, just… maybe adorable is a better word. An adorable shade of pink. It's just so darn precious.

"Yes, of course," He sits back down on the bench and after giving me a shy little side-eye and goes back to reading his book. "My apologies. How silly of me."

"You know, you can stop doin' that any time now, William."

"Beg pardon?" Now he's all flustered.

"Apologizing." I smile at him. "I was the same way at first. Lord, I was such a basket case! I kept apologizing for eating. Or for not eating. Or for talking too much, o-or not enough. I'd apologize that someone needed to walk with me just to get ice cream or the bookstore."

"You did?" He asks, clearly wanting more of the story. He sure is a curious one.

"Mmhmm, it was like I felt that I was just this boring normal girl who always got in the way of all these real heroes. Hence all the apologizing."

"Boring?"

He couldn't have sounded more like Wesley when he said that, and it makes me giggle just a bit.

"A lady of your incomparable intellect and endearing disposition could hardly be called boring," He insists.

"Oh, I don't still think that I'm all that boring," I think I'm probably blushing a little myself at his compliment. "But my point is that I used to."

He closes off at that, looking like a child who's just been scolded.

"I reckon there's a lot of things we have in common," I tell him, going for a by-the-way sort of feel to it.

"Fred, you don't have to…"

"I know I don't," I interrupt him before he can get on a roll and then run off to somewhere else. "But I really do mean it."

He looks at me with a sort of face like he's trying to decide if he really wants to stay and listen, but I'm counting on the gentleman in him winning out. And it does, of course. He finally just smiles a weary little smile and says, "Please continue."

"Did any of the others ever tell you my story?" I ask him.

"Honestly, I don't think the subject has ever been broached." He says with that adorable little frown he gets when he's thinking.

"I guess it really hasn't, has it?" It's been a busy four weeks. But more in the way of keeping ourselves busy, than in the demony sort of busy. "It didn't seem very important. Not to mention, I'm not sure Conner even knows about it."

Come to think of it, I don't think it's ever come up. So he wouldn't have told William about it. Those two have practically been joined at the hip the last few weeks. I've tried in the past to get Conner interested in learning more academic things like some basic science and physics, math, and cultural stuff; but, he never seemed to really be interested. Not until William started talking to him. Apparently, they worked out some sort of trade or something where Conner taught William how to fight, or use one of the many weapons in Angel's arsenal; and in exchange, William taught Conner something like poetry.

"Well, a long time ago, about six years now, I was just a silly little grad student minding my own business in the library one day when this portal opens up right next to me and the next thing I know I'm stuck in this alternate dimension. I was all alone, worlds away from everything I knew. Everything was so foreign and hard. Everything there was sort of familiar but not. Same but different, you know? Anyway, the demons that live there found me and turned me into a slave. All humans were slaves there. I couldn't make any of my own decisions. Couldn't go anywhere I wanted. Spent all day doing whatever I was told unless I wanted to get zapped by this collar they put on you to keep you in line. Until one day I disabled the collar and found myself a cave to live in for the next few years."

I look over to see poor William with his mouth hanging open like he's trying to catch flies, and I decide to keep going.

"It wasn't easy living all alone, scrounging up just enough food to get me by and trying to make sure no one ever noticed me or saw me. All the while I kept thinking that if I could just get back home, everything would get back to normal. That's when Angel and the others found me. They saved me and brought me back to earth. Problem was, once I was back I just didn't feel like I fit anywhere. See, they might have brought me back here, but inside I was really still living in that cave. So much so I practically made myself another cave in my room upstairs. It took me a little over three months to really accept everything that had happened. Finally, I realized that despite everything that happened, or really because of it, I was right where I'm supposed to be."

He looks like he isn't particularly happy about my little story.

"But it almost didn't end that way. I was practically in the car with my mom and dad on the way back to Texas when I realized… this is where I really belong. See, I'm not here because I feel like I owe Angel and them anything for saving me. Nor am I here because I think they can't live without me, although between you and me that's occasionally debatable. And I'm definitely not here because I'm some sort of expert on demons and such, and I sure don't have the strength that Charles has. I'm here because after three months in that cave upstairs and then trying to run away from it all, I finally realized that no matter who I was or who I turn out to be I'll still be me. I can't hide from myself. I can't go back, and I certainly don't know the future. What I do know is right now. And right now this me is right where I belong."

He seemed to contemplate that for a really long time. An awkward amount of time in fact. And just when she'd decided he was lost in thought, that's where they were very different because she babbled on and one when she got lost in thought where he got silent and inside his head really, she finally got some sort of reaction from him.

"I think I understand what you're saying, but I'm not entirely…"

"What I'm saying, William, is that you aren't just that man who died in a stable, and you aren't even just Spike who sort of came before you. You can't go backward and get lost in the past, and you can't jump to the future to get stuck on how to get there either. You don't have to know who you're going to be, and who you used to be isn't all of who you are now. All any of us can do is decide to be where we belong right now because that's all any of us really have, William… right now."

He looks down at the book that's still open in his lap.

"So the question you need to ask yourself isn't who you were, or who you're going to be. The question you need to ask is where does this you belong right now?"

He doesn't seem to be ready to answer that question just yet. Or maybe not to me anyway. Heck, I'm just a little thing from Texas with a great big brain for physics and he doesn't know me from Adam, really. But I can't help this feeling like I do know a little how he might be feeling and I don't want him to get all the way back to Texas… or, well, London I guess…before he realizes where he's meant to be. I'm not sure I could have come back if I'd gotten that far.

"Oh, there I go again, talking way too much. I best get back inside and work on that paper I'm planning to submit. I'll let you get back to your book." I give his knee a gentle squeeze as I stand up to head back inside. "Oh, hey, the gang is thinking about hitting that taco truck over on Wilson in about an hour. It'd almost be a crime to miss it."

I know that I can't even imagine how much it would really play with your mind to suddenly find out you've been a vampire for more than a hundred years that you can't remember. I think it would be completely amazing to jump forward a hundred years and see what life is like, but also a little scary. But I also know that it doesn't do any good to trade one cave for another and that there's a difference between taking time to get your head together and avoiding dealing with something because that would make it far too real and painful.

...

Buffy

"No, Dawn, finish your homework. I'll get it!" I call to my sister who is trying to find absolutely any and every reason she can think of to get out of doing her homework. Not that I was ever fond of it myself, but at least I did it. Most of the time. When I wasn't slaying. Okay, who am I kidding? I'm not exactly one to throw stones here. But making sure she gets her homework done gives both of us something to focus on. Something other than the man who told me to walk away and then didn't really give me a choice. And here I am thinking about it again. I have to stop these random little thoughts that keep cropping up.

I quickly pulled the little pot off the burner where I was heating up some hot water to make mom's cocoa, turning the burner off as I did so. Dawn and I have been drinking it a lot lately. Not exactly a glass of warm milk before bed, but close enough. As there's another knock at the door I hurry through the dining room and into the foyer and pull open the door. Standing there is the last person I thought I would ever see again.

"Hello, Buffy." His warm baritone reverberates through me. He looks like he feels about as anxious as I do.

"William?" I can't help but ask. I mean, I'm not sure why I asked, but I certainly couldn't help it. And then I give myself a little mental slap. Because I do know why I asked. Some tiny part of me had expected it to be Spike. I keep thinking I've accepted that the Spike I knew is gone. But I guess grief is that way. Little thoughts intruding here and there reminding you of what is missing.

"May I come in?" He asks in that endearing little timid way he has. His head tilted just so with the faintest tinge to his cheeks.

"Oh! Uh, yes! Yes, of course!" I hold the door open, stepping aside as he enters the house and sets his suitcase down next to the table in the foyer.

I try to take a few slow and deep breaths to calm my nerves as I slowly shut the door, noting a cab pulling away from the curb in front. Having steeled myself as much as I think is possible, I turn and face him, finding he's doing the same.

"I guess we need to talk," He finally breaks the awkward silence.

"Yeah," I agree. "I guess we do."