Chapter 12: On the Bench Again
There was silence in the gym as the team took in first Hinata's wide grin, then the scar running the length of his leg. Hinata kept his confident stance, but his expression began to falter as others began to exchange looks.
"You guys don't think I'm ready?"
"That's not it," Kageyama quickly retorted as he scrambled to his feet. He glanced over his shoulder at the other boys, unsure of the expressions on their faces, as he jogged over to Hinata. "This is just the first time any of them have actually seen your scar. I think it freaked them out a little-not because it's gross or anything, but because they can actually see the pain you went through now. I kinda felt the same way the first time I saw the one on your stomach," he whispered quietly into Hinata's ear.
Hinata turned to Kageyama and let his face break out into a wide smile-definitely not what he was expecting. As he met Kageyama's eyes, he shouted loudly, "Alright, who wants to touch it?"
The team members around the gym began to laugh, a little more at ease with how Hinata was embracing the situation. Hinata made his way over to the bench and sat down, Kageyama in tow, and swung his leg up next to him, offering a playful wave of his hands as if to say, "Come, now's the chance to look at this horrible, yet transfixing new beauty mark."
Some of the boys played along, crowding around the bench and poking at Hinata's leg or running their fingers over the texturized patch of skin where the stitches had healed the gash. The girls kept their distance, but Coach Ukai joined the mass quickly.
"If anyone should actually look at your scar, it's me," he stated in a deeply serious tone. "I'll decide if you can really play again or not. Do you at least have a note granting permission from your doctor?"
At Hinata's sheepish shake of the head, Ukai frowned deeply but proceeded to inspect him anyway. He grabbed Hinata by the ankle and raised his leg into the air, then sat down on the bench and propped Hinata's leg across his lap. The team tried to hide their chuckles again as they watched him lean over and intently examine each inch of Hinata's scar, pressing down in certain areas to gauge Hinata's reaction and look for any areas that were still painful. After a few moments and a curt nod, he released Hinata's leg and Hinata lowered it to the floor.
"Now," Ukai turned to face him and continued. "Let me see the one on your stomach. That one gave you a lot of trouble before, so I'm more worried about that."
Hinata seemed to hesitate for a moment, and Kageyama thought back to the day he had collapsed on their way home. Hinata had mentioned his leg looking a lot worse than his stomach, but looking at it fully-healed now, Kageyama wasn't so sure. Hinata hadn't needed a second round of stitches in his leg or back, so his leg looked decent, all things considered. A strong look from Ukai finally got Hinata moving, and he lifted up the hem of his shirt just barely.
"Come on, Hinata, I can't see a damn thing," Ukai growled softly, at the same time placing a hand on the boy's shoulder.
Hinata stiffened at his touch, but reluctantly pulled his shirt up so that his entire midriff was exposed. Yamaguchi, one of the more queasy of the bunch, was the first to let out a quiet gasp at the sight of the jagged scar, and Hinata's cheeks flushed a bright pink. Kageyama pulled Yamaguchi away from the coach and gathered the rest of the boys in a small circle.
"Let's give them some space and start practicing. Ukai will let us know when he's ready."
As Yamaguchi mumbled a quiet apology and jogged onto the court with some of the other boys, Kageyama glanced back towards Hinata. Ukai was squatting in front of Hinata, poking and prodding at his stomach in much the same way he had done to the boy's leg, but there was a stronger look of concern on his face this time. Had Hinata not reopened his stitches upon waking up, Ukai might have cleared him to practice right away. But the patches of skin that were more freshly healed, the stitches removed more recently, were still sore spots for Hinata and he was having trouble hiding it. Those spots were also much more textured and stretched across his muscles in messier ways, as the hospital staff had raced to sew Hinata up again without taking him to the operating room and going through proper channels. Ukai sat back on his heels and opened his mouth, but Hinata beat him to speaking.
"Please," he begged as he dropped his shirt and began to wring it in his hands. "It's been months. I've been healing for months and I'm fine now. I want to play so badly. I want to feel normal again."
Ukai turned away from Hinata's pleading face, unable to stand looking into his eyes, and then noticed Kageyama watching, standing at the edge of the court. With a sigh, he dropped his head into his hands, paused, and then stood up.
"Without a doctor's note, I… Ugh… I hope I don't regret this. You can work on getting used to moving around out there again. No attacking. No jumping at all. I would prefer it if you didn't receive anything either, because that's the likeliest way you'll get hit. And go slow."
"Then what does that leave me?"
"For now, just work on tossing the ball lightly with someone else." Hinata frowned, but Ukai smiled at him. "This is your chance to prove to me that you can handle more at tomorrow's practice… Anybody up for tossing with Hinata?"
All play on the court stopped as nearly every player raised a hand, Tsukishima being the only one to show his usual disinterest. Ukai seemed a bit overwhelmed by the high volume of hands before his eyes, but Daichi quickly stepped forward and joined Kageyama at the edge of the court.
"Hinata, I'd like to talk to you one-on-one as your captain. Would you mind tossing with me?"
"Sure!" Hinata beamed as he stood up from the bench, then glanced at Ukai for approval. Ukai nodded, barely managing to conceal his admiration for Hinata's spirit underneath his stern exterior, then waved the two over to the side of the gym before going over to supervise the other players out on the court. Daichi waved a hand at Yachi, who was hovering near the ball basket, and she threw him a ball.
It was a very relaxed practice, as Ukai kept noticing the boys glancing over at Daichi and Hinata and decided not to push them too hard, so Kageyama found his eyes wandering over to the pair often. Daichi started off slow, much slower than his average pace, and carefully watched how Hinata chased after each ball. Hinata was very stiff and lacked much of the speed he used to have, but it didn't seem to bother him. His smile was wide and there was a sparkle in his eyes that reminded Kageyama of how excited Hinata had been in the first few weeks of their time at Karasuno. Soon enough, Hinata was drenched in sweat and missing more balls than he was tossing back to Daichi, so Ukai gestured for him to take a break on the bench.
"How'd it feel to practice a bit?" Kageyama jogged over and sat down beside Hinata as he began chugging water.
After a few long gulps, Hinata gave a refreshed gasp and leaned back, resting his hands on the back edge of the bench. "Absolutely wonderful," he breathed quietly. "My leg is throbbing and I've got a stitch in my side, but it feels incredible anyway."
"You're such a volleyball nerd," Kageyama remarked, letting out a relieved chuckle. "Why did Sawamura-san want to talk to you?"
"He asked what my personal goals were," Hinata said as he straightened out and looked at Kageyama. "He wants to do what he can to help me get there as fast as possible, and rejoin the rest of you properly soon. He said it's his responsibility and pleasure as captain to work with each of us, and he's taking that more seriously now than he ever has before."
"Yeah, I'll say so," Kageyama laughed, letting his eyes trail over to where Daichi was talking with Suga and Asahi, informing them of Hinata's work and asking for tips on how to help him improve quickly, but safely. "So… are you done for today, or good to keep going? I have some painkillers in my bag if you need something."
Hinata squished his eyes and smiled mischievously at Kageyama. "Are you looking out for me, Tobio-kyuuun?"
"No!" Kageyama felt heat burning in his cheeks. "I just keep them in case I get a headache or something, geez. What are you calling me by my first name for?"
"Oh, just to make you uncomfortable," Hinata snickered before Kageyama shoved at his face annoyedly. He stood up and glared at the cackling boy.
"I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen and go back to practicing. Do you want anything or not?"
"Nah, I think I reached my limit for today. I don't feel like I did, but my mom would probably tell me otherwise if she were here. I don't want to push myself too far, too fast and end up backtracking."
"Good choice," Kageyama nodded as he began to walk back towards the court. He snuck one more glance back at Hinata before stepping back over the foul line and saw that he was leaning back on his hands again, eyes closed and face lifted up towards the ceiling. Sweat was trailing down his temples, but he seemed completely at ease.
A knock at the open gym door quickly caused the peacefulness that Hinata seemed to be bathed in to disappear, as he jumped out of his skin at the sound of it. Kageyama saw the figure cross the threshold before Hinata had even turned his head, and he was charging back in Hinata's direction.
"Kageyama, what's wrong?!" Hinata stood up, a grimace flashing across his face as dull pain quickly shot through his system. He clutched onto Kageyama's hand as he whizzed past, almost toppling over onto Kageyama as the black-haired boy slowed to a stop.
"Miya Atsumu!" Kageyama snarled, and Hinata followed his gaze to where the Inarizaki player stood frozen in the doorway. Without waiting for an explanation for the boy's presence, Kageyama stepped in front of Hinata and snapped a curt "Get out."
The sound of balls thumping onto the court reverberated through Kageyama's ears as the rest of the team took notice of the standoff, and Ukai and Takeda both began moving quickly to reach Kageyama before he himself started moving.
"Miya-san, welcome to Karasuno," Ukai said as cooly as he could muster as he stopped next to Kageyama. "Can I ask why you're here?"
The other Karasuno players and the managers clustered around the group at the bench and stared daggers into Atsumu at the doorway. Kageyama glanced back to see that Hinata's eyes were wide with caution, but he seemed simply wary rather than scared. Yachi had wormed her way through the group and stood beside him, a sense of fear clearly present in her eyes.
"I was hoping to talk to Shoyo-kun," Atsumu said with his usual confidence as he walked a few paces into the room. Kageyama's hand instinctively shot out to wrap around Hinata's wrist, and he yanked the boy even further behind him.
"Don't be so defensive, Tobio-kun, I won't hurt the poor kid! I heard he's been through quite a lot recently, and that's why I'm here." Atsumu tilted his head as he stepped closer, attempting to look Hinata directly in the eye over Kageyama's shoulder. "I didn't mean to interrupt all of you. Just go back to practice, and we'll step outside for a moment. Okay, Shoyo-kun?"
"That's fine," Hinata said calmly, stepping out of Kageyama's shadow and prying his fingers off of his wrist. Kageyama made an attempt to tighten his grip, but Hinata stared at him until he let his hand drop. He began walking forward, and Atsumu turned to face the door while he waited for him to approach, his hands resting in the pockets of his jacket.
Kageyama glared harshly at the coach beside him as the boys began walking towards the door of the gym, and when the coach noticed his eyes on him, Kageyama jutted his head towards Hinata in an attempt to get Ukai to manage the situation somehow.
Just as the boys exited the gym, Ukai hissed back, "It's Hinata's choice if he wants to talk to him, not mine! Just because I'm his coach does not mean I control his life!"
"You do during practice!"
"Oh, is that how you see it?!"
"Ukai-san!" Takeda whisper-shouted, separating the two with a quick stab at the air between them. "You may be right that Hinata makes his own choices, but aren't you a little nervous for him? Shouldn't someone be out there with him? He's always pushing himself too much lately, and talking to Miya Atsumu might be one of those moments..."
"I'm just a volleyball coach, Takeda. I'm going to stick to what I do, and you all can make your own choices. If anyone wants to actually practice, I'll be on the court." He began to storm back to the court, leaving the players in a confused huddle, unsure if they should follow or go outside. Ukai stopped, noticing that no one was moving, and said over his shoulder, "Kageyama, the window behind the bench is open. That's all I'm saying."
The students all stared at each other for a moment, while Takeda sighed and facepalmed. Then, in a whirlwind of motion, everyone descended on the bench and began pushing it up against the wall. They turned on Kageyama, but he was already moving, climbing up onto the bench and pressing his body against the wall. He peeked his head over the lip of the small window as the others retreated back to the court. It would be too quiet for Hinata not to be suspicious if no one was playing, so the spying fell to Kageyama alone.
As the sound of feet moving and balls bouncing started up again behind Kageyama, he peered through the glass to catch sight of Miya Atsumu leaning up against one of the pillars of the walkway to the main school building. Hinata was standing a few paces away from him, watching him carefully as he shifted his weight around. Kageyama could tell that he had been on his feet too long today, the pain was getting to him.
"Miya-san, what do you want?" Hinata was the first to speak, and his voice seemed quiet and timid from this distance.
Atsumu, as confident and loud as ever, leaned forward and began to speak. "I hope this doesn't change the way you view me, Shoyo-kun, but I'm about to do something I rarely do." His voice seemed to break on the last word, and his body quickly swept forward into a bow, causing Kageyama to jump back from the window in surprise. He pressed his face close again as Atsumu resumed talking, his voice several levels shakier than it had been moments before.
"I know I apologized once for injuring you during that game we played, but that wasn't genuine. I'm here to do it again. When I heard what happened to you afterwards, I couldn't help but feel that I was part of it. That I had caused this additional burden on you. I never meant to harm you, to take you away from the sport that I know you love just as much as I do, maybe even more. You're an amazing player, one that I always enjoy playing against and watching. I can never decide what you're thinking or explain how you move on the court, and I felt that especially in the last game we played. I was frustrated… so frustrated, with myself, for not being able to get a handle on how you play volleyball, especially as a duo with Kageyama. Your whole team was playing incredibly, and I couldn't stand that I was losing. So I targeted you. I wanted to see your resolve, how you'd deal with the pressure of rallying after taking such an intense serve, but I underestimated my own frustration and how it played into the strength I put behind the serve. I went way overboard, and when I realized that, I couldn't accept that I'd messed up. I treated your teammates coldly when they were concerned for you, and I didn't know how to face you properly when I came to apologize. I acted stupid and rude because I was ashamed of myself. I had too much pride.
"Then a few weeks later I heard that your team pulled out of a tournament we had also entered. I had been ruminating over what had happened, and I wanted to give you a more honest apology there. When I heard, I asked my coach to find out why. He got some information from Nekoma's coach, enough for me to learn what had happened to you and that you were comatose. I… I couldn't believe it. But I knew I needed to see you. I went to the hospital once, but Kageyama was asleep at your bedside, and it didn't feel like a genuine apology to you anyway if you couldn't reply. I ended up just asking my coach to keep checking in with Nekoma's coach for updates. He told me last week that you've been back at school for a little while, but after so much time... I couldn't work up the nerve to face you. I'm dragging this on, sorry... I just wanted to say that I deeply apologize and regret what I did, and what followed after. I know it caused you so much more harm than I'll ever understand."
He straightened up but kept his head lowered, refusing to meet Hinata's eyes. "I know it's too much for me to ask this of you, but I look forward to the day you're well enough to play in a match again. I hope I'm on the team that gets the privilege to face off against you, so I can face you honestly and make up for what I've done."
Kageyama ignored the heat he felt in his own face as he searched Hinata's face for some kind of emotional response. It was hard to read the boy's expression from the angle Kageyama was looking, but Hinata's words were enough to let Kageyama know what he was feeling. A wall was going up, which meant he was hurting.
"Wow... they really pulled out of a tournament because of me? Nobody said anything…" Hinata chuckled sadly, staring at the ground. He kicked at some small pebbles beneath his feet. "I really have been such a burden to the team. I've taken all the fun out of volleyball for them, haven't I?"
Atsumu didn't move to offer any sort of response, but Kageyama got the feeling that Hinata hadn't really been searching for an answer. He already believed something in his heart.
"Well," Hinata said after a moment of silence. "Thank you for coming here to apologize. It really means a lot. Please don't carry the weight around anymore, okay? I can see it hanging off you, like, almost literally."
Atsumu smirked, then nodded. "Let's keep in touch from now on, Shoyo-kun. I'd like to hear how things are going as you get back into playing." He lifted his head and finally allowed himself to look at Hinata. "I'll do my best to move past what I've been feeling, but you try, too."
Hinata nodded in return, and Atsumu stared at him for a moment before shifting his weight away from the pillar and heading towards the school's main gates.
"It wasn't your fault, Miya-san, what happened to me after our match." Atsumu stopped at Hinata's words, but didn't turn around. His shielded face remained directed towards the ground, but he balled his hands into fists and his shoulders began to tremble. Hinata spoke again as he stared at Atsumu's back. "I'm still trying to figure out the reason for all this, but it wasn't you."
Atsumu nodded without a word, and started walking again. Kageyama stuck to his spot at the window, not sure if he should join Hinata or just let him be, but before he could make his decision, Hinata slumped to the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees. Atsumu was already long out-of-earshot, so Hinata pressed his face against his knees and began to sob. Kageyama pulled away from the window to go out and meet the boy, but Hinata began to speak through his tears in the softest whisper, stopping Kageyama in his tracks.
"What's the matter with me? Making everyone around me feel so guilty… They're tiptoeing around me like I might shatter at the next second. How can they continue to be so selfless, when I've taken so much from them? Miya-san blames himself, all the Karasuno guys won't take volleyball seriously anymore 'cuz they're watching out for me, and Kageyama… I've hurt him so much… If I had just died in that accident they all would have kept going and… and met… all of their goals by now…"
If he had just died… we would have kept going? Kageyama's thoughts reverberated through his skull like gunfire. He backed hastily away from the window, just barely catching himself from teetering off the edge of the bench he was standing on. He could feel the tears coming, and every face in the gym was staring at him as he scrambled down from the bench.
"Kageyama?"
Nishinoya began to approach as he noticed the panic stretch across Kageyama's face, but he was ignored and shoved away as Kageyama scanned the room for another sign of exit. He kept his head low as he began to move, an icy wall building between him and the other players as he quickly made his way to the only open door he saw: the storage closet.
Kageyama only caught a glimpse of the many concerned faces behind him as he crept inside the dark room and shut the door behind him. In the silence of his solitude, Kageyama slid down, his back against the door, and crumpled into a heap amongst the netting, scoreboards, and various types of athletic equipment inside.
"Tobio-kun?" Nishinoya's voice sounded again through the door, along with a few soft knocks.
Kageyama ignored every sound that came from the other side of the door, pressing his hands over his ears, as he silently let tears begin to cover his cheeks. He lay down with his back to the door, coldness pressing into his body from the hardwood floor. Soon enough, Nishinoya's voice was gone and he was truly alone.
Hinata was right, Kageyama screamed in his head. He did hurt me. He's hurting me so much right now, believing that bullshit lie he made up in his own head. We'd be better off without him? I would be? No, you idiot! I might care a lot about volleyball, but it's just a game! It can't replace the people I care about! It's the team, not the game! It's you.
Kageyama let out an audible scream, then punched at a basketball that had come to rest near his face. As the ball bounced away, he covered his face with his hands and tried to control his breathing. The anger was suffocating him, the utter disbelief that Hinata could feel that way about himself, could believe that Kageyama cared for him less than a simple sport, crushing his lungs. He felt like he was drowning, the pain like the most unimaginably cold water he had ever swallowed. He was completely engulfed in his own mind, and didn't even register the slow creaking of the door opening, a soft light shining into the room.
Fingers slowly brushed over Kageyama's dark hair, and he came back to reality with a jolt. He opened his eyes to see a tiny shadow leaning over him in the doorway's light, which then disappeared as the room was bathed in only darkness again. He caught a quick glimpse of a long white scar as legs stepped over him, and Hinata's face appeared next to his own as he lay down with his back pressed to the floor, his hands folded across his stomach.
"Hey," Hinata said softly, turning his face to look directly at Kageyama. Even in the dim light, Kageyama could see redness rimming the boy's eyes from his own tears, but he wasn't crying now. "I'm guessing you were spying on me. The guys told me you raced in here while I was outside."
Kageyama didn't say anything as he peered at Hinata through his fingers, his hands still pressed defensively close to his face.
"So you heard what I said after Miya left…" Hinata turned his face back towards the ceiling, letting out a small sniffle. "You seem pretty mad."
"Of course I'm mad!" Kageyama exploded, ripping his hands away from his face and seizing the collar of Hinata's shirt. "You complete idiot! How could you believe any of that shit?!"
In his fury, Kageyama had managed to shift into a kneeling position and had pulled Hinata rapidly up with him, suspending Hinata's head inches away from the ground. Hinata's face had gone white as a sheet, his eyes wide.
"I'm sorry…" Kageyama whispered, and carefully lowered Hinata's head back to the floor. He released his grip on the boy's shoulder and backed away from him, his own fingers shaking. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, I'm fine," Hinata said as he pushed himself into a sitting position.
"You're crying, I must've done-"
"Kageyama," Hinata said sternly, wiping a hand across his eyes. "You didn't do anything. Just treated me like I'm fragile, like you have been since the beginning. I'm not. If anything, all of this has taught me that. So just… be normal with me."
The tears hadn't stopped pouring down Kageyama's face, and he couldn't help a whimper from escaping his lips as he saw the pain on Hinata's face. It wasn't pain felt from a wound, but from what Kageyama had done. In trying to get Hinata to be vulnerable with him all this time, Kageyama had been the one squashing Hinata's own efforts to recover, in his own way. He had worn down Hinata's hope by trying to be the one to provide it. He had broken Hinata even further.
"I'm sorry, I… I…" Kageyama began to babble, then leaned forward on his hands as his tears dotted the floor between them. "You're so important to me, Hinata. I couldn't just sit there and watch you fight all of that by yourself. You're always supporting and encouraging everybody, I just wanted to do the same for you. But I made you feel like crap instead. I let you believe… such a stupid lie!"
Kageyama raised his head and looked Hinata directly in the eye, paying no attention to the tears that continued to stream out of his eyes and obscure his vision. "All of my goals are only attainable if you stay by my side, Hinata. You matter more than anything or anyone else. Get it through your thick skull: I need you."
Hinata didn't say a word, but reached forward and wrapped both arms around Kageyama, pressing his face into his shoulder. Kageyama instantly felt all of the tension leave his body, and he slumped forward with his head on top of Hinata's. He pressed his arms lightly across Hinata's back, and the two were silent for a long time, until both of their crying had subsided and they were breathing calmly again.
The two finally pulled apart, and Hinata flopped back onto the ground, letting out a heavy sigh. Kageyama took up his spot on the floor next to Hinata, and they stared up at the ceiling together.
"Don't ever say anything like that again," Kageyama whispered quietly. "It's so much the antithesis of who you are that I still want to barf. Don't even think anything like that again."
"No promises," Hinata said quietly, but then he started to laugh before Kageyama could sit up and slap him over the head.
After a few minutes more of the two staring silently at the ceiling, Ukai's strained voice came through the door. "Everything okay in there?"
Hinata flicked his eyes over to Kageyama, then sat up.
"Yes, sir. Everything is fine." He leaned over to Kageyama and whispered. "Are you okay to head back out there? The rest of the team is probably really weirded out that we're having this conversation in a storage closet."
"Only if you are," Kageyama sat up and stared hard at Hinata.
"I am," Hinata smiled back, then stood. He offered a hand to Kageyama, and his smile grew even wider as Kageyama let him pull him to his feet. "I promise."
Kageyama followed as Hinata pushed on the door, the soft evening light streaming through the gym windows washing slowly over his face. Every member of the team stood huddled in the middle of the court, whispering amongst themselves, and all heads popped up at the sight of the two emerging from the darkness. In one massive clump, the boys and girls, and adult advisors, of the Karasuno Men's Volleyball Team began to sprint straight in their direction. Hinata turned and shot a goofy grin back at Kageyama before grabbing his wrist and breaking into a run towards the middle of the crowd.
Kageyama began to laugh. He could hardly keep up.
Author's Note: Thank you so much for sticking around to the end! I had so much fun writing this story and I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read and leave comments! Stay on the lookout for more Haikyuu! stories in the future :)
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