1x08

Michelle was not having a good night.

Not at all.

And after having listened to those 911 calls made by her sister, after finding out that Iris was gone, her heart had been so heavy and so tired.

She just wanted to sleep.

Well, first, she wanted to have a good cry.

Then she wanted to sleep.

For days preferably.

But first she needed to go to her mom.

She had to be the one to tell her.

No matter how badly it hurt.

"And they're sure?" Well, DNA didn't lie, at least as far as Michelle had always been told.

"The blood was a match." She was still holding out the tiniest bit of hope, especially since Detective Washington said that none of the skeletons had been identified yet.

That could mean she was still out there, right?

"And what about her body?" She knew her mom had to know that just finding blood didn't mean a thing.

"They still have to identify the remains that they found out there, and that's gonna take some time." How much time, she didn't want to know. "But Iris was definitely in the truck."

"Well who is that Wade person?" Michelle wanted to know that too.

How did they meet?

Where did they meet?

And why?

Why would Iris want to be around such a low life?

"Wade Caldwell. He was a bad guy mom." Which was the opposite of who her sister was.

"Why would your sister be involved with someone like that?" She wished she had the answers. "A freaking criminal? A monster? It just, it doesn't make any sense."

"I don't think Wade Caldwell was Iris' monster mom." But knowing what Michelle did about mental illness, and specifically, the one she thought Iris was probably struggling from, she probably never saw him as a bad guy. "I think the monster was inside of her."

It hurt to say that, especially about her own sister.

But she knew it had to be true.

She knew that something else was going on here.

It was the only way to explain her sister's behavior.

"She had an illness." One that they had ignored for far too long. "She was exhibiting signs of schizophrenia."

There, she had said it, out loud, for the first time since she started to suspect it over four years ago.

"What?" And of course her mother reacted the way she expected.

"Mom, we both witnessed it." On more than one occasion, for more time than she should probably admit. "The jumbled speech, the inappropriate laughter. The sudden bursts of anger."

"Oh your sister was always moody." Except this was worse than being moody.

Michelle knew what moody was like.

This was far from it.

"Mom. This was more than moody." She hated that she was the only one who thought this.

Maybe it was for the best if Iris was dead.

Lord knows her mother wouldn't have been willing to support her getting help.

"This was something else." She knew she was right.

"No." But again, her mother was in denial.

Just like when her father had gotten sick.

Just like when Billy was roughing her up.

Her mom always turned a blind eye to anyone that wasn't Iris.

But to her, Iris was perfect, and she always would be.

"I'm sorry. I know this is hard." She didn't want her mother to have to live with knowing that her daughter was sick like that. "She was sick and somehow I knew it. I knew it and then… I was so angry at her because of it that I ignored it. I ignored her."

"That's not true." Yes it was.

"It is true." She had been a terrible big sister their whole lives, but in those last few months before the accident, God she was embarrassed with the way she had treated her. "She called me so many times. That night she called and I just… I didn't pick up. I could've saved her but I didn't."

The guilt had weighed on her so much the past few months.

More so than in the time before it.

It was getting harder to live with the idea that if she had simply picked up the phone that Iris might still be here.

Her mom didn't speak, instead she stood up and reached out, pulling Michelle into a hug.

It was the first time they had hugged since this whole thing began.

She prayed that it wouldn't be the last.

—

After she had left her mom's she had driven around for a good hour before she had given up.

She knew where she wanted to be and there was no denying it.

She needed comfort, support, something more than the half drunk tequila bottle sitting on her kitchen counter.

More than the empty bed and the silent house.

So she had driven to Owen's and parked her Jeep behind his and waited.

Waited for what, she wasn't sure.

Her phone buzzed in her hand and she answered without checking to see who it was.

"You gonna come in or not?" Well, there wasn't any avoiding it now was there?

"Yeah." She nodded her head even though she knew he couldn't see her. "I'll be right there."

She hung up the phone and exited the vehicle, making her way to the front door slowly.

It opened and Buttercup came trotting out onto the porch, Owen leaning against the door frame as he offered her a smile.

"It's almost midnight." He whispered. "How long were you gonna sit there?"

She shrugged her shoulders as she knelt down, scratching the pup behind his ears and nuzzling him softly.

"How long did you drive around before winding up here?" Dammit he was good, way too good.

"Only an hour." She whispered her response before standing, making her way toward him as he gestured inside with a smile.

"I take it the text you got earlier wasn't good news?" Was it that obvious how upset she was?

"No." She shook her head as Buttercup trailed past them and headed toward the stairs, stopping halfway up and looking back at them.

"Well, you're here now, so we can talk if you want." She nodded her head slowly as she started toward the couch. "Uh uh, come on. Upstairs."

She wasn't sure what he was getting at, but the thought of collapsing into his bed sounded wonderful.

"We have to share the bed with Buttercup now." He said with a chuckle as they made their toward his room. "But he's a good snuggler, so…"

There was no way that dog was a good of a snuggler as Owen.

Not that she would ever say that out loud.

"It's fine." She stepped into the room and watched as the dog jumped onto the bed, taking his spot in the middle. "I um…"

"Yeah, you can borrow a shirt, already put it in the bathroom." Owen climbed into the bed and rubbed Buttercup's head before settling back against the pillows. "Take your time."

She nodded her head in thanks and headed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her with a sigh.

She was entirely too wrapped up in this man and it had to stop.

She couldn't stand to lose another person that she loved because she was careless and stupid.

His cancer wouldn't kill him, but her recklessness might.

Or, at the very least, she would break his heart.

Or he would break hers.

She didn't know which was worse.

—

When she stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later Owen was on his side, Buttercup curled up at his feet, and his eyes were closed.

She should have just snuck out.

It would have been easier.

"Can we talk?" She knew that she didn't need to ask him that.

He was always there for her when she needed him.

She assumed that this wouldn't be any different.

"Of course." He opened his eyes and pushed himself up into a sitting position. "What's up?"

She wrung her hands together in front of her as she sighed.

"I think we should…" She took a deep breath because she knew this was going to hurt. "I think we should end this… whatever this is."

If she had thought that he would take it easily she had been wrong.

And judging by the pained look in his eyes, she was really, really wrong.

"Oh. Um…" He ran a hand through his hair as he straightened himself up a little. "I… I thought things were going good."

"I just…" She honestly couldn't think of a valid reason for them ending whatever it was that they were doing. "I think we're just… it's not just sex anymore Owen."

There, she had said.

She had put it out there for the whole world to hear.

Well, for him and Buttercup to hear, which right now, was more than enough.

"I know." He whispered, not looking the least bit uneasy about that announcement. "That's okay. I mean… it's okay with me anyway. I thought… I thought you were okay with it too."

She sighed as she started pacing back and forth.

She was okay with it.

She wasn't fooling anyone.

"It's just a lot right now Owen." She couldn't make sense of her own words and she hated herself for this.

"Then we sit down and talk about it." He moved forward to the edge of the bed, reaching out for her hands when she walked past him. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. What's really bothering you about all this? Did I do something wrong? Did someone say something?"

God he was so perfect.

This is why she didn't deserve him.

"No. No one said anything." The only ones who knew about them were their closest friends, and from what she could tell, none of them seemed the least bit bothered by it. "And you didn't do anything wrong. You've been… perfect."

He shook his head at her words and tried to tug her to him.

She fought it for a second, but gave in when she saw his face fall.

"I think that's the problem." She whispered as she moved to stand in front of him. "You're too perfect for me."

"Bullshit." He pulled her down until she was straddling his hips, her hands moving to rest against his chest.

"I've never been in a relationship like this before." In all honesty, she hadn't been in any real relationships before.

Unless you counted Billy.

But she was pretty sure that being treated like dirt and being slapped around by the man didn't constitute a real relationship.

"Well there's a first time for everything." Owen smiled at her as he reached up and pushed some hair behind her ear. "How about we start from the beginning? Do this right?"

"Do what right?" She didn't know how to fix this, not that it was broken.

"Us. This. Our… whatever this is." He leaned in and kissed her softly before resting his forehead against hers. "Let's date."

"Date?" Dating was for young people, not for, well, people their age.

"Yes. Date." He seemed serious about the whole thing and she sighed as she waited for him to explain more. "Dinner. Holding hands. Not having sex at every turn. We get to know each other. We talk, we listen. Date."

"But I like having sex with you." She waggled her eyebrows at him and he chuckled.

"I know." He said softly, his hand sneaking under the hem of her shirt to rest against her hip. "And I like having sex with you too."

"But…?" She knew there was a 'but' coming.

"But I think we may have skipped some of the important things." He had a point there.

"Dating's hard." Again, it wasn't like she had much experience in that matter.

"Only if we make it hard." Again, he had a point. "We're already friends Michelle. Pretty good friends if you ask me?"

She nodded her head in agreement and watched as he smiled back at her.

"And we know the physical part is there." Boy did they ever. "So let's try the emotional part. The mental part. Let's get to know each other."

"Let's date?" She was still weirded out by the whole concept.

She figured the 'just sex' part was easier.

"Let's date." He pressed another kiss to her lips and she couldn't help but let her fingers move to tangle in his hair as she nipped at his bottom lip.

"Okay." She whispered her response against his cheek after they pulled apart. "We can date."

He pressed a kiss to her head in agreement and she couldn't help but snuggle close.

"But first, we sleep." He must have read her mind.

"Thank God." She crawled out of his lap and on to the bed, burrowing herself in the covers as she watched him step into the bathroom.

He returned a moment later and climbed into bed beside her.

"Good night Michelle." He whispered as he pulled her into his arms, his lips pressing a soft kiss against her shoulder.

"Night Owen." She said as she yawned, her body instantly snuggling as close to him as possible.

She hoped that 'dating' didn't mean cutting out spending the night together.

Because sex or no sex, falling asleep in Owen's arms was becoming the only way she got any rest.