"Meredith… Meredith!" She could hear her name being called from every different direction. Her eyes were open, but her vision had gone completely dizzy. She was staring blankly at the wall, as her sisters snapped at her and called her name, trying to bring her back to reality. Pregnant. Was that the actual word she heard come from Bailey's mouth? It couldn't be. Everything seemed like a blur. Her head was spinning. Pregnant. 8 weeks. A baby. "I'm gonna be sick." She managed to say before everything went dark. She felt her hair being pulled back and a pan be quickly shoved under her face, while a reassuring hand stroked her back. "I'm right here, it's okay Mer. I've got you." She could hear Hayes say faintly. Oh, god - Hayes.
About a million different thoughts ran through Hayes' head when Bailey revealed that Meredith was pregnant. He thought of his sons, her kids, Abby, and Derek. He thought about how prepared yet completely unprepared he would be to be a father again. Did he even want to be a father again? But his main concern was of Meredith. He saw the life drain out of her eyes when Bailey said she was 8 weeks pregnant. Her hand had instinctively grabbed his, squeezing it. He could have his worries later, he needed to focus on his girlfriend. She was awake, but she wasn't alert. Maggie, Amelia, and Bailey all called at her, unsuccessful in their attempts to get her attention. He didn't. He knew she was processing this news, and it would only mean bad things if he tried to pull her attention away from it. She would come back to reality when she wanted to. He held her hand in his own, his thumb stroking the back of it. "I'm gonna throw up." She said. His panic began to rise but he kept it cool. Maggie and Amelia jumped into action, Maggie pulling back her hair and Amelia grabbing the closest bedpan and shoved it under her face. Hayes stroked her back, reassuring her. This wasn't pregnancy-related sickness. This was due to overwhelming stress. He rubbed her back and whispered in her ear, "I'm right here, it's okay Mer. I've got you."
Throwing up was what brought Meredith back to reality. She laid back down on the hospital bed and looked around the room. "Mer! Mer- look at me." She looked at Maggie quickly, then to Amelia, then Bailey, and finally her gaze shifted to Hayes. He was trying his best to keep calm, but Meredith could see the panic radiating from his face. She knew they were both having the same thoughts – how did this happen? Is this something we should be happy about? Do we even want to have a child together? What will our kids think? Their minds were racing, yet simultaneously completely focused on the other. Pregnant. A baby. Their baby. The words kept playing in Meredith's head like a record on repeat. Their baby. Something she never thought would be a possibility again. She thought this kind of conception was once-in-a-lifetime. Then there was a hand on her face, followed by, "Meredith?" Amelia's voice pulled her back from her own thoughts once again. "Are you okay?" She hadn't even realized she'd been crying. "Oh, uh. I don't know." Meredith responded quietly and blankly. "Do you guys want to be alone?" Maggie asked, placing a hand on Meredith's shoulder and motioning her head towards Hayes. They looked at each other, and Meredith turned back to Maggie and nodded ever so slightly. Maggie looked up at Amelia and Bailey quickly. "Come on, let's give them some space to talk." And then it was just the two of them.
There was complete and utter silence in the trauma room for the first 2 minutes after everyone else had left. Their fingers were still laced together, and Hayes was still stroking the back of her hand with his thumb – but neither of them said a word. They both stared into the distance. Meredith hadn't slipped back into a tunnel mind; she was simply just mindlessly staring. Hayes was the one that was verging on tunneling. After some more thinking, Meredith was the one to break the silence. She hummed out a little laugh as she thought about the absolute absurdity of the situation. Hayes' eyes shot to Meredith when he heard her, worried that she was crying. Instead, he saw a maniacal smile plastered across her face and a laugh waiting to erupt. As serious as the situation at hand was, her smile never failed to make him smile as well. Her eyes caught his, and she saw the smile on his face. She began laughing uncontrollably, rolling on to her side. He laughed along with her. "Oh, I'm sorry. This really isn't funny." Meredith said through laughter. "No, it isn't. But it also really is. We ended up conceiving a child sometime during our first time together. I mean really, how stupidly absurd is that?" He responded, laughing again. Her laughter followed suit.
Finally, after the laughter died down, the couple looked at each other and sighed. "This isn't a joke, is it?" Meredith said, reaching out her hand. Hayes took it in his own. "No, it's not." He kissed the back of her hand. "How are you feeling about all this?" She asked, squeezing his hand. "I should be asking you that." He said to her as he sat on the edge of the bed. Always putting her before himself, she should've expected this. "I… I don't know. I'm feeling so conflicted. I didn't want more children after Derek died. I still don't know if I even want another baby. I can't stop remembering how traumatic my births were with Ellis and Bailey. And I can't stop thinking about all five of the kids, how much this impacts them as well. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we've only been together for 3 months now – I mean, is it too soon? Could this break us apart?" Meredith began to tear up as she thought about the possibility that this baby could ruin their relationship. Hayes wiped away her tears as they stared into each other's eyes.
"I didn't even think this was possible again. And that's why I'm so conflicted – because I feel like I should be at least somewhat excited, it's a miracle that I got pregnant in the first place, and it's even more of a miracle that I haven't miscarried. But do I even want to keep it? I should be a least a little bit excited, but I'm not. Not one part of me feels excited. Like I said, it's so soon, and we have 5 other kids to think about, and how on earth could we explain this to everyone, and are we even at a place in our lives where another baby could fit into the equation? And then on the other hand, what if we decide we don't want another kid right now, but regret the decision down the line? What if this is the most beautiful thing to come into our lives? What if this is what heals us? What if it's something we never thought we wanted, but actually needed? Almost every fiber in me is telling me to get an abortion, but there's that little voice in my head that asks me all of those 'what ifs'. And I don't know what voice to listen to." Her voiced cracked as she finished talking and she could feel the tears coming. Hayes engulfed her in a hug, smoothing her hair and rubbing her back as she cried. There was no use in her trying to keep the tears contained – she was upset, grieving, hormonal, and her boyfriend was hugging her in an empty trauma room, where nobody could see them. She was safe in there with him.
"It's okay, let it all out." He said, rubbing her back in circular motions. "I've got you." He continued to reassure her. She pulled away from their hug and looked Hayes in the eyes. "You're allowed to have feelings about all of this too. This affects more than just me." She told him, placing her hand on his cheek. "I think, that I don't know what to think. All my thoughts feel jumbled, and foggy. But I can tell you what I know. I know that you're an amazing mother, and I like to think that I'm a good dad." Meredith laughed. "You are, you're an incredible dad." She said as she continued to stroke his cheek. "I know that this is complicated, and messy. I know that our relationship is new, but I also know that it's one of the most beautiful parts of my life. I know that I don't want you to be hurting – and I don't want you to be put at risk, at all. I know that I'm allowed to have feelings, but that the decision is entirely up to you. It is your body. You are the only one who gets to make that decision. I know that no matter what, I will support you to the ends of the earth, because I know that if you're happy, then I'm happy. I know that we are feeling a lot of the same things – and thinking about all the same people. I couldn't stop thinking about the kids when you spaced out, and how they'd react. I know we have to tell them and include them in the conversation. I know that we will figure things out, and that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. I won't let this break us apart. I promise that." His forehead rested against hers as he finished. "Do you want to head home now? I can drive you and get us something to eat on the way home." He asked as he pulled his forehead away from hers and smoothed out her hair. "Yeah, I do." Slowly she stood up, and just before they left, she kissed him. "Thank you for always knowing just what to say. We can talk about this more a little bit later." She said, grabbing his hand and exiting the trauma room.
It felt like every eye was on Meredith and Hayes as they left the hospital. They knew it was probably because everyone had heard about how she'd collapsed, and not the reason why, but Meredith still couldn't help but feel like everyone was judging Hayes for getting her pregnant and judging her for getting pregnant again. She could still hardly wrap her head around that word. Pregnant. A word she never thought or wanted to apply to herself ever again, and yet here she was. Hayes held her hand the entire way back to her house, and Meredith simply stared out the window. There was complete silence in the car. She wasn't upset with him, and he knew that. She was bitter with the world for putting her in an impossible situation - for forcing her relationship into unprecedented territories so quickly. They'd been together for 3 months, they hadn't even said 'I love you' yet, and now they had to decide whether or not they wanted to tie themselves to each other for the rest of their lives and have a child together. She resented that they had to make that choice. She resented it so deeply.
As they pulled into the driveway, Meredith could feel herself begin to tear up again. Hayes heard the slight sniffle from the passenger seat and looked over to see a tear roll down her cheek. He jumped out of the car and quickly made his way to the passenger side to open her door. "Hey, hey, come here." He said, opening his arms for her. She quickly fell into the hug, silently sobbing. "I hate this. I hate it so much." She said through her sobs. He knew what she meant. "I know, I know. It's okay." He pushed her hair out of her face and kissed her forehead. "I've got you, it's okay." He continued to reassure her. He pulled away from their hug first and laced his fingers with hers. "Okay, come on. Let's go inside and lay down for a little while." He said as he grabbed their stuff out of the car. "I'll be fine, you go home." Meredith insisted, but Hayes wasn't having any of it. "I'm not leaving you alone right now, not with everything that you're going through. So, I'll lay with you, take care of the kids, whatever you need until Amelia or Maggie gets back, and then if you're feeling okay enough, I'll go home then." Meredith knew there was no getting out of this one. Hayes knew her well enough that he'd let her lay by herself if she really needed it, and that Link would probably appreciate the help with the kids. "Okay, let's go." She waited for him to grab the bags from the car and they walked into the house together.
All 3 of the kids ran over to Meredith the moment the door opened. She hugged each of them tightly, trying her best to not cry. "Are you okay, momma?" Ellis asked as she looked at Meredith's tear stained eyes. Try not to cry, try not to cry, try not to cry. "Uh, your mom had a tough day at work today, she just needs to lay down for a little while, okay?" Hayes said with his hand on her back. Ellis nodded sweetly and the children went back to playing. "I might be down in a little bit Link." Hayes said as they began walking upstairs. "Alright, sounds good." Link called down. Luckily all the kids were fairly easy that day, so Link didn't mind staying with them for a little while longer. Upstairs, Meredith was trying her hardest to not become a wreck again. Damn pregnancy hormones. The moment Hayes laid on his side beside her, he wrapped around his arm around her shoulder and held her tightly against him. He could feel a couple of tears fall onto his arm, then finally her breathing stopped being shaky and her body was calm. She'd fallen asleep. Hayes tried to rest his eyes for a moment as well, but since he didn't have to worry about Meredith, his own worries and fears came barreling into his mind at all force. Every doubt, every worry, all the grief, uncertainty, and heartache made its way to the front of his conscience. So, he laid there. He let himself have his worries, and his grief. He worked through every little thought he was having, unpacking all of it, as he lay silently, holding his sleeping girlfriend until he had to get up to go help out downstairs.
Meredith woke up an hour later, and headed downstairs. She gave Link a quick hug and thanked him for watching the kids. "Oh, it was no problem, they were really great today." Link told her. Hayes came into the kitchen where Meredith and Link stood and gave Mer a quick kiss. "If you don't mind me asking, what happened at work today? You seemed pretty distraught when you got home." Link asked as he sat down at the table. "Oh, uh, we'll tell you a bit later, after the kids are in bed." Meredith stuttered. Link nodded at her knowingly and shifted the conversation to something lighter, which both Meredith and Hayes appreciated. 30 minutes after the kids had been put to bed, both Maggie and Amelia arrived home. "Sorry, we meant to be home earlier, but we both got pulled away on consults." Maggie said as she opened the door. "How are you feeling Mer? Did you end up getting something to eat and getting some sleep? Any nausea?" Amelia asked as she took off her jacket and walked into the living room. "We got food on the way home, but I am getting hungry again. I took a nap when we got home. And no, no nausea right now." She said, cuddled under a blanket next to Hayes on the couch. Link's eyes widened at the conversation swirling around him. "Wait, so, what happened?" He asked, after greeting Amelia with a quick kiss. Amelia and Maggie's eyes shot to each other, and Meredith closed her eyes and exhaled. "I collapsed at work today, and when they ran labs to try and figure out why, the labs revealed that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. And I collapsed because I hadn't eaten all day." She explained, pressing her tongue to the roof of her mouth, pleading with her hormones to give her a break from crying. Link's jaw dropped. "I see why you didn't want to say when the kids were up. I mean, how are you feeling about it? You look pretty upset, and angry." He asked. Amelia came and sat down beside Link, while Maggie sat on the other side of Meredith. "Is there an option for all of the above?" Hayes said sincerely as he looked at Link.
"I should clarify that I'm not mad at myself or at Hayes, whatsoever. Do you hear me?" Meredith said, placing her hand on his shoulder. "I'm not mad at you. You didn't intentionally do this; this was a complete accident. I'm just upset and mad at the universe for handing us a seemingly impossible situation." Meredith needed to make sure Hayes understood fully that he was not the one she was upset with, even if it was just for her own peace of mind. He nodded back at her and placed his hand on her knee under the blanket. "I know." He said quietly. "It's getting late, you should get back home to Austin and Liam." Meredith said sweetly. "Are you sure? Becau-" Meredith cut him off. "I'm sure. I've got Link, Amelia, and Maggie here. I'll be okay." She placed a kiss on his cheek. "Alright, if you say so. But you call me if you need anything, I mean it okay?" Meredith forced a small smile out and nodded. He kissed her on the lips, and just as he was about to head down the porch, Amelia followed him outside. "Hey," She said, grabbing his attention. "Hey, Amelia, what's up?" He asked curiously. "You're worried about her, aren't you?" She asked him, sitting down on the front bench. "Of course, I'm worried about a lot of things. But yeah, mainly her. I worry about leaving her tonight. She's acting okay but a lot of me thinks that it's just a façade, and I don't want her to spend the whole night crying. If I had the choice, I'd stay the night with her." Amelia nodded knowingly. "I'm worried about her too. The last time she was pregnant, she ran away to San Diego until after Ellis was born." Amelia explained. "She did that a-" Amelia nodded. "After Derek died, yeah." And there it was, the full picture. Hayes nodded at Amelia with a look of acknowledgement. "I do need to get back home to the boys, but call me if she needs me, please. I have a feeling she'll try to work through this alone, especially tonight, and I don't want her doing that unless it's what she absolutely needs." "Sounds good - thanks Hayes. You know, she's lucky to have you." Amelia said with a small smile, which made him smile as well. "I'll see you later." "Bye."
Meredith didn't realize how hard the night would be without Hayes. She told him to go home, and she began to regret it. She tried to keep her cries as silent as possible, so she wouldn't wake up her children, or alert her sisters or Link to any issues. They could tell something was up though, they heard the occasional sniffle from her room. They tried to keep Hayes updated and his worry only grew throughout the night, but Amelia assured him that they had it handled. That worry all came to a boiling point when Amelia called him the next evening while he was finishing up at work and told him that Meredith hadn't gotten out of bed more than once or twice throughout the day, that she was refusing to eat anything more than a few bites of food, and that she wasn't responding to them at all when they tried to talk to her. Shit.