Nobody Listens to Kix

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Star Wars: The Clone Wars or any related titles, characters, plots, settings, etc. These rights are the sole property of George Lucas, Dave Filoni, the Walt Disney Company, and their various publishers and distributors. I own only the original elements of this story, the writing and publishing of which earn me no money.

Case 00687: Hondo Ohnaka

"I don't understand, sir," Kix said flatly.

General Skywalker scrubbed a hand over his face, sighing as he did so. "I don't really either, Kix."

"It is fairly simple," General Kenobi countered. "In order to receive assistance from the pirates in transporting weapons to Onderon, we had to agree to their proposed terms, some of which were rather… odd. One of the terms was to receive a health screening from a licensed physician."

Kix's head snapped up at that. "I am not a licensed physician," he pointed out immediately.

"I know," Kenobi said patiently, "but when I explained the difference between physicians and medics, he did not seem to care. He still wants a full exam, including any necessary treatment."

Kix sighed. "Very well, sir."

"Hondo doesn't trust us," Skywalker told Kix. "He wants you to examine him on his ship. We have a connection established between the ships, so you don't have to worry about him trying to fly off with you."

If Kix tried to speak, it was going to come out incredibly insubordinate, so he merely gave a salute and turned on his heel.

As he left the medbay with a travel medic's pack, Kix heard Kenobi remark to Skywalker, "It really was one of his less offensive requests."

"I don't see you volunteering one of your medics for the job," Skywalker returned, clearly disgruntled. Kix could sympathize.

When he stepped onto the ship, Kix was greeted warmly by the pirates - 'warmly' here meaning that he found himself cheered, slapped on the back and lower places, and was soon holding a rough-looking tankard of unidentified liquid with no idea who had thrust it at him.

"I- I'm here for Hondo…" he said uncertainly, trying and failing to keep the long-practiced 'stern medic' tone in his voice.

"He's in his office, of course!" one Weequay told him with a wide smile. "I'll show you the way. Follow me!"

With an uncomfortable glance around at the dim, filthy surroundings, Kix followed the Weequay through a mass of drinking, staggering, shouting, and laughing pirates. Every step brought someone else shouting, "Ohhhhh! The medic!", which was invariably followed by another round of cheers. By the time they had traveled through the winding passageways to a room whose privacy was offered by virtue of a rusty and crooked-hanging door, Kix was no longer certain he was living the same life as earlier that morning.

"Cap'n! Medic's here!" the Weequay shouted, thumping the door with enough force to knock it further out of line.

"Good, good!" a voice called from inside. "What are you waiting for? Bring him in!"

Despite Kix's expectations, the door swung open and closed without falling completely off the hinges. By that point, however, he was in Hondo's office and there was a great deal other than the impossible door for his logical mind to sort through.

"Hello, hello, my friend!" Hondo greeted, standing up behind the heavily-scarred shipping crate he seemed to be using as a desk. "Welcome to my office! Only the best for Hondo, eh? Mmm. Yes, yes! The best!"

The best chance to contract a terminal illness, to Kix's way of thinking, but as long as the Weequay was happy...

More importantly, Kix took the opportunity to study the pirate. He had heard the stories from various Jedi about Hondo Ohnaka, but Kix had always been elsewhere whenever the Weequay appeared.

He seemed fairly representative of his species. Unlike some other Weequay males Kix had seen, Hondo had allowed the bone spikes lining his jaw to grow out. His hair was styled into a series of tightly-bound braids. Above all, Hondo's weak spots were all protected, which Kix supposed was just good business practice for a pirate who enjoyed clashing with Jedi. Goggles hid his eyes, a helmet protected his head, and - like most pirates - he seemed to be wearing every item of clothing he owned.

There was an empty blaster holster attached to his hip, and Kix needed only a fraction of a second to see the blaster disassembled on one side of the desk. Kix wasn't stupid enough to believe that the pirate was unarmed, but Hondo was obviously taking strides to make sure his terms with the Jedi appeared to be met.

"You wanted a medical exam, correct?" Kix asked, mostly to get things started.

"Yes," Hondo said imperiously, holding his arms out by his sides, dangling palms facing toward Kix to show that he wasn't holding anything. "You may scan me now."

Kix grinned before he could fight the expression. "Medical scanners, even ones made by the Republic, aren't quite to that standard yet. You'll need to remove some layers before it can read you."

"Ach!" Hondo exclaimed, clearly displeased. "Tch! You ask Hondo Ohnaka - Hondo Ohnaka - to undress? To remove my fine clothing and signs of wealth? That is what you ask of Hondo?"

"Yes," Kix told him, thinking vaguely that he could likely return to the Resolute if Hondo refused.

"Very well," Hondo agreed easily, shrugging out of his coat and removing the thick white tunic underneath. When he reached for the final item - a thin undershirt- Kix stopped him.

"That should be enough. Stay still, please." Kix selected the Weequay option on the scanner and directed it professionally down Hondo's body and back up, grimacing at the series of tones it let out before the scan had even finished processing.

"What is that?" Hondo asked curiously.

"You have some health concerns that need to be treated," Kix told him absently, trying to count the beeps and giving up as they began to overlap. "A lot of health concerns."

"Ah. Well, what are they?"

Kix puffed out a sigh as he looked over the screen. "You have several cracked jaw spikes, your spine is out of alignment, there's a bone in your hand that was broken and never healed right, there's tissue damage on your neck from what looks like a blaster injury, you have a patch of hives on your shoulder because you're allergic to a parasite found on Kowakian monkey-lizards, several of your internal organs are damaged, and your liver is severely strained." He checked the scanner. "Sorry, your second liver is severely strained. Your first liver appears to have shriveled several years ago."

"Eh, I have a third liver," Hondo dismissed.

Kix frowned. "No, you don't-"

"As for the others, what can you help me with today?" Hondo asked, peering intently at Kix.

The medic rubbed at the intricate design on his head, still staring at the scanner. "Your jaw spikes should be pulled and allowed to regrow, but I have no training on doing that, or spinal alignments. You'll need to go to a professional for those. The bone in your hand will need to be rebroken and you won't be able to use it for a few weeks-"

"Next," Hondo said with a wave.

Kix shook his head. "I can help with the damage on your neck and give you a gel to reduce the hives on your shoulder. Other than that, I can't do much for you."

"Medication?" Hondo asked. "Well, I don't like to use artificial pain management techniques, but if I have to, I suppose…"

With all the strength he had earned through his time as a medic, Kix refrained from pointing out that the Weequay was most certainly using alcohol as artificial pain management.

"Well, I'll disinfect the wound on your neck and apply a bacta patch as well as some burn gel. It looks like the area around the injury is irritated. How much pain is it causing you?"

"Oh, you would not believe the pain! You would not believe!" Hondo told him earnestly. "It is constant, unrelenting. It has stolen valuable moments from my life, time I will never regain…"

Kix, naturally, did not believe a word of it, but began to prepare the bacta and burn gel anyway. It would heal the wound and an extra pain med or two wouldn't hurt the Resolute's stores in any noticeable way.

As he disinfected the Weequay's leathery skin, Kix asked, "Why did you want a medical exam, anyway? Seems like an odd thing for a pirate to ask for."

"An intelligent businessman cares for his health," Hondo told him seriously. "It is his greatest treasure."

Kix blinked at the unexpected depth of the statement, but Hondo kept speaking. "Besides, I have a new lady in my life and she wanted me to have a full exam."

Trying to salvage what little intelligent conversation he could from the situation, Kix nodded. "Good that you have someone in your life who cares about your health."

"Yes, she is a lovely creature," Hondo said, almost dreamily. "There are certain… activities I wish to partake in and she won't agree until she knew that there would be no... uh... repercussions. Hondo is no stranger to the less-reputable edges of the galaxy and I've learned those lessons the hard way. Why, I could tell you stories…"

There was no way to know, but Kix was certain that he had set a new record for bacta patch application speed. He handed Hondo a tube of antihistamine cream and a small container of pain meds, rattled off instructions, and left the office and the ship as quickly as he could, fighting to forget the three-quarters of a tale Hondo had managed to tell before Kix left.

After a sonic shower - gear, medkit, and all - Kix returned to the medbay to restock his travel medic's kit. Skywalker and Kenobi were waiting for him there.

"So? How did everything go?" General Skywalker asked, seeming to brace himself for the worst.

"I treated some minor injuries, advised him to get treatment for some more serious ones, and I left," Kix explained shortly.

"Did he tell you why he wanted a medical exam?" General Kenobi asked curiously.

Kix fought back a shudder. "He did. Respectfully, Generals, you're better off not knowing."

Skywalker frowned at that. "What if I make it an order?"

"Medic-patient privilege," Kix returned. He could see another disagreement forming and cut it off with a sharp wave of his hand. "And if you ordered it anyway, sir, we could all attend therapy together to save the Republic some credits."

"Ah," Kenobi said, attempting to hide his amusement with some beard stroking. "Thank you for your efforts, Kix. The Republic appreciates your service. We shall leave you now."

"Wait, General," Kix called. Both Jedi paused to look back at him. "Permission to write vaguely-worded paperwork for this file?"

"You know, I think it best to have no records of this particular examination," Kenobi said slowly, raising an eyebrow at Skywalker.

Skywalker shrugged back at his old master. "What paperwork, Kix?"

They both left the medbay without another word and Kix, with a shake of his head and another shudder, stored the medkit and pointedly turned away from the empty patient forms.

Author's Note - Guys, writing Hondo's voice is hard. I hope he came through okay (and that no one is scarred from the somewhat-sanitized account of his love life).

Thank you to those who have favorited or followed, and a weekly 'you're amazing' to those who reviewed: STARWARZMYLIFE, RyanSquad, KarajeJinsta, Sued13, LethalJustice94, Swimming Clara, dieFabuliererin, StoryMaker7, WritingFan27, Slim 'Tech' Sherman, SolarRose29, Lillie Tano-Syndulla, Falconress, and ghostguts. You all make my day with your reviews, no matter when they're posted!

Happy almost new year! Consider this a warning not to party like Hondo. Poor Kix can't go through that again. Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day, and I'll see you guys next week!