January 28, 1938
"How do I look?" Siegfried asked. He was well dressed, he knew, he had chosen the suit, the tie and even the scarf by finger despite the little time he had to prepare that morning.
"Sharp and professional." Audrey replied, smoothing out his jacket and checking if all buttons were closed or for possible marks on the suit. Although unnecessary, this was a ritual he enjoyed a lot, especially when she ran her hands over his body.
Not handsome?" He sounded pretentiously hurt and she laughed.
"The horses won't notice that, Siegfried."
"I'm asking you, not the horses."
"You look tempting to me." Audrey confessed. Her cheeks became a lovely shade of red and she looked away from him.
Siegfried knew what she was thinking about, and frankly, if it weren't for the racecourse, that morning he wouldn't be thinking about anything else either. A call came in while they were having breakfast. Siegfried's presence had been requested by General Ransom himself, who intended to meet him there at half past nine.
"I hope that General Ransom is ready to accept defeat and assume his terrible choice by denying the job to a thoroughbred like me like as he did last time."
"We must hope that this is the case." Audrey tried not to sound too sarcastic and opened the door.
Siegfried deliberately ignored her tone and asked, "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Leaning towards her, he kissed her gently on the lips.
"Your concentration should be on the horses not on that." There is no recrimination in her observation and her little smile became bigger when his hand reached the curve below her spine.
"My concentration will be on the horses when I am with the horses. Until then I have a more interesting subject at hand." He shoots with a teasing tone, just to make her blush and kissed her again, making her sigh.
"Good luck, love." Audrey said when they finally broke apart.
They were smiling at each other when she opened the door and got a surprise.
"Dorothy!"
Standing on the first step, holding her purse in front of her, Dorothy looked at them with a malicious smile on her face. Having privacy seemed increasingly impossible in that house, Siegfried thought to himself, though he found the situation more fun than uncomfortable. Audrey on the other hand looked quite uneasy.
"Good morning, Aud." Dorothy nodded and turned to him, giving a nod. "Mr. Farnon."
"Oh, I can't believe you became a gossip in town!" Dorothy commented laughing. The idea was absurd, even for Audrey, but it was the truth.
They sat at a corner table in the teahouse and sipped their drinks and talked in low tones. At that time of the morning the place was quiet, which meant no unwanted glances in Audrey's direction. Except, of course, the owners.
"There's nothing funny about that."
"But of course there is! You shouldn't take this too seriously. The mentality of people in small towns like this is just as small. This is temporary, you know. In time, they will accept and forget." Of course Dorothy was right, she knew that, but until then... "I want to know how things are going between you." Dorothy asked, full of curiosity, with a malicious smile on her lips.
Audrey had no doubt, from her friend's expression, what she wanted to know. Dorothy seemed excited about the idea that Audrey and Siegfried had ventured into a relationship, but her hope Audrey would share details about it was too much.
"Everything is going well." She just answered laconically, with a brief smile before taking a sip of tea.
"From what I saw earlier, you two are very close..." Dorothy insisted. The malice even more evident in her tone of voice.
"Not that way." "
"Not yet. But I would dare say you're almost there."
"Stop with it, Dorothy."
"Why? There is nothing wrong with that." The exasperated look that Audrey gave her friend made Dorothy shake her head in disbelief. "I mean it. You two are adults, you've been married before, you've known each other for years and Siegfried doesn't seem like the kind of man who would lose interest afterwards. So, why wait?"
She wasn't sure how to answer that question. Waiting seemed the right thing to do. Although she longed for his touch, for his kisses, for the his gentle and always restrained caresses. Although she wanted him to take the lead more often. Although every night she felt like not separating from him by the stairs. Although she wondered every morning what it would be like to wake up next to him.
"We have been together for just over a month. It wouldn't be appropriate to throw myself in his bed in such a short period and I..." She swallows, there is another point that she avoids thinking about whenever she can, but that is there. "I never did that to anyone other than... you know." The confession sounds so low that she doesn't even know if Dorothy has managed to understand.
There it was her insecurity showing up. A completeness of questions were mixed within it. The shame of being seen naked by him, of surrendering to a different man, the length of the relationship, the absence of the marriage bond, the fact that she is still fertile, the uncertainty of his infertility, and, especially, how it would affect the way he saw her. And all these questions directly confronted with the naturalness of how they interacted, how they wanted each other, how they touched and, mainly, how their relationship evolved. It seemed wrong to discuss these matters with Dorothy or anyone else, especially since she and Siegfried had not discussed any of these issues openly.
"Your brute ex-husband's, yes, unfortunately I know. And when will it be appropriate? After the visit to the registry office? A piece of papper and a ring are not going to change your feelings. From what I heard and saw of you together I must confess that I was surprised. I thought you had overcome that barrier."
Audrey said nothing. The barrier of what would be appropriate had been overcome, in one way or another. The memory of the previous afternoon in the exam room was vivid in her mind, screaming that remark back at her.
Dorothy studied her for a long moment, resting her face on one hand. They had known each other long enough for Audrey to know that Dorothy was analyzing what she should or shouldn't say to her at that moment.
"You, more than anyone else, deserve to rediscover what it feels like to be physically loved and desired, Aud."
The comment made Audrey uncomfortable. She lowed her head, watching the tea for a few seconds. This was a subject that she no longer wanted to discuss.
Her marriage had not always been a horror. Her husband had not always been addicted, he had not always been aggressive. In this respect, at least, there were few times that he had crossed the line. But violence and humiliation had stayed in the past, she had overcome all that.
When she looked at her own life in the present, with Siegfried, she was only able to envision a good future and every day she discovered a little more about what it was like to be loved and desired by a man again, not just physically.
"Tell me the news, Dorothy. How is the nasty Scarborough?"
"Nasty, as always!" Dorothy replied, accepting the change of subject.
Siegfried paced the living room, complaining about horses, the racecourse and General Ransom, but all she could catch was his movements and his figure. Dorothy's words still resonated in her ears.
Audrey felt physically loved and wanted by him, it was becoming more and more clear by the day. This had become clear on Christmas Eve and even more so in the exam room the previous afternoon, when Siegfried was bold enough to touch her. The mere memory left her knees weak. He had left it up to her to dictate the pace of the development of their physical relationship, but he had taken on a teasing tone in his words and in his touches.
She was barely able to fall asleep the night before and tried to emulate the feeling of his fingertips gently brushing the inside of her thigh, climbing tortuously until it found the soaked cotton from her brief. The thought left her with a dry mouth. He had been so subtle with his touch, so brief and yet he had left her so desperate for more.
"It is absurd! They proclaim that animals come first when this is no longer true as soon as some 'priority' arises. That animal could have been an irreparable sequel if they had taken longer to call me. The vet is totally inept! Audrey? Are you listening to me? Audrey!" He had finally noticed that she was not hearing anything he was saying.
"I'm sorry. What were you saying?"
"About the injured animal and the severity of the injury." He repeated for what seemed like the tenth time and with impatience. "You are terribly distant, what are you thinking about?" The question was asked in a milder tone and he sat beside her on the sofa.
"In us." Audrey replied, unable to look at him.
"In us?" he echoed, surprised. "Did Dorothy say anything?"
Something about his tone of voice and the question itself aroused a bad feeling in her that made her stomach tighten. Audrey frowned. Jealous.
"Did she have anything to say?" She asked bluntly.
"Not in the way you're thinking. I never... Don't be silly! It is an absurd idea." Siegfried sounded offended, really offended, but he stopped and took a deep breath, taking a few seconds to sound calmer. "What are you thinking, exactly?"
The exact answer would shock him, not for its content, but for the frankness of it. Audrey considered whether or not to say what she was thinking, about her insecurities, about her wishes... Instead she asked: "Are you happy, Siegfried?"
"Of course I am." His response was immediate. He didn't seem to have any doubts about it and she was relieved.
"Are you satisfied?" It was her next question and it intrigued him.
"Where are you going with this?" His hands took hers. "Dorothy or anyone else said anything about our relationship that have put you in doubt?"
Audrey had no intention of worrying him, the question was simple, but he didn't seem to understand the point she was trying to make. Although her experience was only with her husband, she knew enough to understand that men had certain needs and how he had been alone for a long time... Not that women did not have their own needs, because evidently they did, she did, but talking about it so directly seemed so wrong. What would he think of her? She couldn't bear to see him look down on her.
And yet, this time, unlike all aspects of their lives, she couldn't manage him the way she wanted to. When she needed his self-centeredness most, it disappeared.
"Not at all, it's nothing like that." She replied, squeezing his hands to reassert her speech. "I'm just curious. Are you satisfied with the way things are progressing?"
"Who wouldn't be? I..." He pressed his lips together and looked at their hands, together on her lap. "Given the circumstances, I can say that I am an extremely lucky man." Given the circumstances? What did he mean by that? "I would be lost if it weren't for you."
"I am fully aware of that." Audrey smiled. He still didn't know, but at some point he would understand that without him she too would be lost too. "But that doesn't answer my question. Are you satisfied?"
"Yes, of course, Audrey." He tried to sound sure of his answer, but although sincere, he seemed to miss something. "Are you?" Siegfried asked in a low voice.
His question seemed simple to answer, but it was not. Siegfried's face showed concern about her delay in responding. The simplest answer was yes, she was. She was happy and satisfied, but at the same time she wanted more. She wanted to spend more time with him, she wanted his physical closeness, she wanted to face her fears and insecurities and be his, even if it would cause a mess in their lives. Even if it made difficult for her to sleep every night because of the memories or the absence of him beside her. Even if their relationship changed completely.
"You can tell me, whatever it is that you have in mind." Siegfried said, softly.
And although she wanted to tell the truth, she wanted to be specific about what she wants, she can only say, "I think I want more."
For the first time, the silence that settled between them was heavy and full of uncertainty.
January 29, 1938
"I need advice." Siegfried said as the three of them performed Tricky Woo's second stomach wash in the past six months. Mrs. Pumphrey would, very soon, kill that poor animal with food.
Such a short sentence should not cause a fuss, but it does. Tristan perked up like a child in an amusement park and James peered at Siegfried out of the corner of his eyes, full of curiosity. To assume that he needed advice was tantamount to a movie star appearing on the streets of Darrowby. Extremely unlikely, but he didn't know what to think.
"Should I leave?" James asked. What good would it do if Tristan would share everything with him later? Secrets were impossible to have in that house, that he had accepted at least.
"No, maybe you have something more useful to tell me than him." Siegfried made a dismissive gesture, indicating the younger brother.
"If you don't trust what I have to say, why did you come looking for me in the first place?"
"Because am I in doubt and I don't have anyone else to ask, but I'm already regreting my own decision to ask."
The two Farnons looked at each other seriously for a few seconds. Couldn't Tristan understand how difficult it was for him? Sighing, Tristan crossed his arms in front of him, leaning against his brother's table.
"Tell us, big brother. What is the evil that afflicts you? Let me guess, it goes by the name of Audrey Hall."
The same table where she had been sitting the previous afternoon, while the two boys were out making rounds.
"Well... Yes... It's related to her." Siegfried confirmed, but did not elaborate. How to approach the subject?
"All right. It would be nice if you worked it out a bit more" Tristan said. He and James looked at the older man with too much attention and curiosity, making him feel uncomfortable under their scrutiny.
"She asked me if I am satisfied with our relationship." He murmured.
"And?"
"And what?"
"Are you?" Tristan asked the obvious.
"Of course I am! What a ridiculous question!"
"What's the problem then?"
Tristan and James really didn't seem to understand. How difficult that was! Siegfried was exasperated and ashamed. He swallowed.
"It seemed to me that... ahm... that maybe she... that maybe she isn't." Siegfried stammered.
"Ohhh... Are you that out of practice? Siegfried, please, it's like riding a bicycle, there's not much to go wrong, once you learn to balance you don't forget and just keep pedaling."
"TRISTAN!" Siegfried screamed in shock. The idea was absurd. How could he forget...? No, he definitely hadn't forgotten. Without control and without resistance, perhaps, but he had not forgotten and that had been made very clear on the last two occasions.
He still knew how to deal with a woman and the mere thought made him flush, mainly because it seemed that he knew how to deal with her particularly well. Audrey did not look bored on any of the occasions they shared. Surprised, maybe, especially in the exam room. Siegfried couldn't help it, the heat she exuded and the way his hand was enveloped by it... He needed to know, to be sure and... The feeling of moisture on his fingers and the way she looked at him, surprised and yet still stoic, without make a single noise, despite the parted lips and the redness that dyed her from the roots of her hair to the open collar of her blouse was too tempting.
In that very brief moment he considered pressing his fingers on her, moving it up and down before tracing a slow circle and moving the fabric of her brief away and touch her directly. He wanted to know how long it would take for her to contract herself around his fingers and whether she would still be able to remain silent and stoic when that happened. Or when he brought his fingers to his mouth and...
"What did she say exactly?" Tristan's question brought him back and he shook his head, in a vain attempt to put the image of her at that intimate moment out of his mind.
"She said 'I think I want more'." He said in an uncertain voice and saw the two boys were surprised.
"Perhaps she is considering taking a new step in your relationship. I wouldn't be surprised by that." James intervened thoughtfully.
Siegfried immediately turned to him. It made sense. Tristan looked at his friend and a silent communication passed between them. Siegfried noticed, although he could not understand what was the idea that they seemed to share.
"I thought that proposing at this point would be hasty even though we know each other well enough to end this courtship and move on." He said thoughtfully.
Marrying her was not an absurd idea. It actually seemed like the most sensible thing to do. This would put an end to people's comments and looks, it would put an end to the distance that the two pretended to keep inside the house. It would also put an end to waiting. He could have her in his arms every night, all night, and it would be not only acceptable but expected at any wedding.
And then, Tristan laughed. He just burst into laughter to the point that he was red and breathless. Something not only impolite but irritating.
"Oh big brother, you really are a man from the last century. Propose? That's not what James is talking about."
"No?" Siegfried looked at James in shock and the boy shook his head.
"Well, if you haven't already..." He swallowed, clearly distressed that he had to be so direct. Making a gesture with his hand that he didn't indicate absolutely anything specific besides his desire not to be specific, he went on. "This would be a natural development for a relationship. In your situation, it would not be surprising to know each other more in depth before deciding to take a more definitive course for your relationship." James sets out his opinion.
"More in depth?" Tristan echoed with a new laugh. "You're going to make him emotional, Jim. I don't think he remembers very well what it's like to meet someone that way."
Siegfried's scathing look has no effect on his brother, who continued to laugh. James, although he was smiling, looked more serious.
True, he was a man of the last century, but she was also a woman of the last century. Or maybe not so much. The idea did not seem absurd, of course not, after all he had started something more explicit in his need to satisfy their desire, but to reach that point? To carry out the act before they are fully committed to each other?
Before he could give back his brother any rude answer, the front door was opened and he closed his mouth, swallowing his words.
Tristan just laughed more and James struggled to keep his expression neutral, without too much success, especially when Audrey stopped at the door, taking off her gloves and looking at them curiously. Siegfried looked at her out of the corner of his eye very briefly.
"Where are the fluids, Tristan?" Siegfried asked, in his usual harsh tone.
"You don't ..." Tristan tried to argue.
Of course he hadn't asked, but still, Tristan should have known that fluids would be needed at this point in his studies. Inattentive boy.
"How many times am I going to have to ask the same thing? Ten? Get on with it!" He didn't see it, but he heard her sigh before walking down the hall.
He had a lot to think about.