I'm not gonna lie, this chapter is brutal. After I wrote it, I literally had to walk away for 4 days before I could come back, which is like an eternity in the timeline of writing this, heh.
Warning: Drugging
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Art work by the awesome Meg (tumblr: anxiouspineapples)
You Can't Save Everyone
Later January, 6th Year
The next morning, Lily made sure to spend a little extra time getting ready. When she'd finally left James' room the previous night, he had handed her a gift box. "I wanted to give it after our Christmas date, but… you know." He'd nearly died and it may have just kind of ruined the mood? How could she forget?
In the privacy of her own bed, she'd unwrapped the lingerie set giddily. It was delicate and lavender, intricately designed with silver stars in the cups and a garter belt that would attach nicely to her knee socks. It felt a whole lot naughtily to be gifted something this sexy by a boy that she was completely in love with... with the sole purpose of having him take it off of her body later. She held the bra up to her chest. Yup, he got my sizes right… She guessed that made sense considering he had been in possession of most of her other bras for weeks last semester after all.
And now today, this fine, bright Friday, she was going to wear it. Something this pretty just had to be appreciated right away. Besides, James is going to lose his mind when he knows I'm wearing it.
She admired her body briefly in the mirror before she covered the lingerie up with her school uniform. Her healthier diet (or at least, more consistent eating schedule) had filled her out in all the right places and damn if she looked good. She smirked to herself. And now I've got Potter's big head too. She fastened her cloak and left the bathroom, heading for breakfast.
"Good morning," she said jovially as she squeezed herself strategically between James and Peter, opposite the other two Marauders.
Sirius cocked a brow up at her. "Why are you in a good mood?"
"Can't a girl just be happy?" she replied, shrugging off her robe. James immediately stiffened by her side. So he already saw the straps running down my thighs? Good boy.
"Sure, but you're an unusually surly thing," he responded.
Lily snorted, but Remus spoke up for her. It wasn't the first time she noticed the pair of besties sometimes had a bit of an old married couple vibe. "I'm pretty sure that's just you, Padfoot." He turned to Lily. "You excited for the party?"
Lily almost stuttered but caught herself; James had just begun stroking her thigh under the table with the back of his fingers. "Yeah. Should be all right."
"That's the spirit," Sirius joked through a mouthful of eggs.
James kept his left hand on her leg for the whole meal, whether gently tracing the strap or full on clenching her thigh whenever she purposefully reached for food over him. Peter may have caught on, but she knew he was far too embarrassed himself to call them out on their horny behavior.
Right before the end of breakfast, a tiny black owl that she hadn't seen in ages flew through the Great Hall, clutching a letter in its beak. "Lana?" Lily muttered to herself in disbelief. James followed her gaze just in time for the little bird to excitedly drop the envelope in Lily's lap and flutter excitedly around her head. She giggled, breaking off a little bit of bacon for the owl. "I missed you too, I missed you too!" It eventually settled on her shoulder.
"Who's it from?" James asked curiously.
"I think…" Lily tore free her letter with shaking hands and immediately forgot she'd been speaking when she saw the familiar script: Mary.
Lils! Miss me yet? ;) I got your cookies (OM NOM NOM) and loved them! You sent my fav, because you're my fav. Sorry I can't write long, my mum went out for a little (FINALLY) so I'm trying to rush this to you before she comes back. (Please don't reply, she might catch it, you know her.) Good news though — I think I'm finally cracking my parents and they may just let me come back for our final year! (I CAN'T WAIT!)
Homeschooling has been the worst. You have no idea. Anyway, I love you lots and can't wait to be back at Hogwarts with you and gossip and my Merlin Lily, if you haven't shagged James Potter by now, there will be words. (Like: HOP ON IT.)
Happy Christmas, New Year & Early Birthday!
Mary
Lily held the letter to her chest with the biggest smile.
"Good news?" The Marauders were all looking at her intrigued now.
Instead of answering, she just passed the parchment to James, watching as he split into his own grin. "I always knew I liked her." Lily didn't mind that the note proved just how far back her crush on him really went. (And it looks like he doesn't mind one bit either…)
Lily turned to Sirius. "Mary thinks she might be coming back next year!" Now everyone was happy.
"Shit!" Rosier cried out in Potions class the next day as he cradled his arm to his chest.
"M'boy, are you quite all right?" Slughorn asked concerned as he waddled over to Evan's workspace.
"Yes sir, I just burnt my arm on my cauldron. May I go to the infirmary?" Lily watched the whole scene unfold through narrowed eyes. No… he isn't. He can't be this obvious. At the same time, Lily was actually kind of amazed at the sound of his voice. She so rarely heard him use it. She had no idea how he commanded an entire sports team while appearing to be so mild-mannered.
"Lily, why are you staring at Rosier?" Adam asked quietly from her side where he was grinding down porcupine quills.
She watched as the Slytherin left the room before turning back to her friend. "Okay, I have this sneaking suspicion that Rosier's a Death Eater." Adam's eyes went wide and Lily automatically kicked herself. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, that's so insensitive of me to be talking about with you, I'm—"
"No," Adam cut her off, "I'm fine, that's just a serious accusation."
"Yeah, but," Lily looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, spotting only James giving her a curious glance, but that wasn't out of the ordinary, fuck, I'm gonna have to tell him too… and he won't be happy, "I know for a fact that he never takes his shirt off—"
"Weird."
Lily wasn't sure if Adam was referring to Rosier's habits or her apparent knowledge on the matter, but it wasn't the point now. "Okay, but now he makes this big show of burning his left arm?"
Adam's eyes darted around confused, "Yeah… so?"
"Death Eaters have tattoos on their left arms, Adam!" Keep up!
He leaned into her. "How do you know that?"
"People are starting to talk about that sort of stuff. I dunno, word got out. Anyway." She dramatically pushed her hair behind both her ears before continuing her whispers, "I feel like he's publicly getting an injury so it won't look weird when his arm's wrapped up later."
"So he can take his shirt off?" Adam looked highly skeptical.
"Yes." Lily was convinced.
"Well, what are you going to do?"
Lily huffed as she resumed stirring their bright yellow brew. "Just warn the right people I guess. I mean what else can I do? I already know some other people who are Death Eaters, for sure, and they never seem to get in trouble for it. It's like this school gives unlimited chances to people. Hell, I wouldn't even be surprised if Professor Stone was a bloody Death Eater, crazy psychopath that she is. Did you see how she—" Lily's jaw dropped when she looked back up to their potion after skimming over her notes. "What did you just add?!" It had turned a sickly puke color.
"Uh… the snake eyes?" Adam said innocently.
"Shit, it's too early for that. Let me see if I can save this." She set off to work trying to fix Adam's mistake. It didn't stop her from noticing Rosier returning to the classroom 15 minutes later, with his sleeve rolled up and his forearm thoroughly bandaged. It didn't slip her attention either that he blatantly picked up Hestia's fallen quill off the ground with said arm and handed it back to her, and used the same arm to point out where an ingredient Dorcas was looking for was. Oh Evan, making sure every one of your girlfriend's roommates sees your injury and can report it back to her? You're just as bad of an actor as Sirius… There was only one last step she'd need to perform to know whether he was, without a doubt, a Death Eater.
A few minutes later, as Adam apologized profusely and went to the ingredients cabinet to get some dragon claws to try to rectify this mess of an assignment, Lily's notes started rearranging themselves into James' scrawl. 'Come to my room after the party tonight?'
She smiled to her parchment before writing a response. 'Does that sound discreet?'
'You know the Marauders can keep a secret… please?' The words disappeared, but the pull his last word had on her heartstrings did not.
'This is what I get for wearing your gift out in public, huh?'
'I mean, we can just cuddle if you want ;)' Sly bastard. She couldn't wait for this party — that hadn't even started yet — to bloody end.
'I'll be there.'
"Marlene, please, listen to me!" Lily had just told her best friend the unfortunate news she'd just uncovered and the girl was not having it. "I just spoke to Pomfrey—"
"Lily, stop," Marlene said with an extra hard stomp of her foot as they climbed the stairs to their room that night. "Why can't you be happy for me?"
"This has nothing to do about happiness, Mar! I'm worried for you!" Lily cried out desperately trying to catch up to her.
The blonde spun around angrily. "Well, don't! There's nothing to worry about! We've already talked about this Lily."
"I know, but—"
"No buts! Now please, I have to go. Evan told me he has a romantic night planned—"
"I know, Mar, please listen." Lily stubbornly blocked the door to their dorm. She knew that as soon as they walked in, their conversation would effectively be over. "Please."
Marlene sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, rolling her head in a 'fine, go on,' way.
"Okay." Lily squared her shoulders to her. "You know Evan got hurt in Potions, because Hestia immediately gossiped about it to you, yes?" She reluctantly nodded in response. "Well, I'm almost positive he did it on purpose."
"Lily—" Marlene sighed exasperatedly.
"He didn't go to the hospital wing, Mar! I just spoke to Poppy, she told me that he didn't come in today! So unless he just so happens to have burn salve and bandages in his room for random accidents — he was faking it!" As soon as the healer had revealed this vital fact, Lily had abruptly excused herself and all but sprinted back to Gryffindor.
For one brilliant moment, Lily thought perhaps her words had landed, but then her friend shook her head and looked livid. "I honestly can't believe you'd do this to me, Lily."
"What?" Lily felt like she was failing. How could Marlene not see what was right in front of her nose?! Am I not stating it clearly enough? Your boyfriend is a fucking Death Eater!
"I can't believe you're trying to ruin my first time like this. After how… supportive I've been." Lily had never seen Marlene look so frazzled.
"I'm not!" Her own hysterical voice sounded foreign even to her. "Mar, I'm trying to protect you!"
Marlene stepped around her and pushed open the door. "I don't need your protection. I'm a grown woman, Lily." The roommates getting ready for the party all turned and stared at them, clearly having caught the tail end of their fight. "Everything all right?" Dorcas asked gently. Lily tried to ignore Brianna grinning like a Cheshire cat behind her, drinking some Firewhiskey.
"Yes. Everything's just great!" Marlene cheered two octaves too high to be even remotely believable. She slammed her wand on her nightstand, grabbed her cloak, then stared at Lily pointedly before marching back to the exit. "I'm off to my date. Don't wait up." She banged the door shut behind her with enough force to rattle a spider in the corner of the room from its previous peaceful slumber.
Lily sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I should go after her."
"First, have a shot," Hestia suggested, looking like she'd already followed her own advice several times.
"I shouldn't," Lily groused.
"I'd say you more than earned it," Dorcas stated. "Thanks to you, I finally know what the hell is happening in Potions again." Lily gave her a polite smile and accepted the shot glass. "Fine. Fuck it, just one."
Hestia cheered as they all did a round together. The Firewhiskey burned familiarly down her throat. She tried to leave shortly afterwards, but the girls insisted she stay, getting sloppier by the minute. By the time Lily had shed her robe, having gotten a little too hot in the party atmosphere, everyone was too tipsy to notice Lily was still in her school uniform but with sexy garter straps.
"Okay, okay, seriously." Lily got to her feet but immediately wobbled sideways a bit. I must have stood up too fast. I only had one shot, there's no way I'm drunk.
Betty heard the music thumping downstairs. "Let's go dance!" she said in classic woo-girl fashion, pulling Lisa and Brianna behind her as they clambered to the door and down the stairs. The party did sound like it was in full swing, the voices of Squib Dreams suddenly being all they could hear.
"You ready?" Dorcas asked as she and Hestia were at the doorframe.
"Go on," Lily encouraged, "I'll be right there." She watched the witches disappear. She knew she wouldn't be able to relax until she could confirm that Marlene was safe. Taking a steadying breath, she waited a minute until the fanfare that the 6th year girls' group entrance must have caused had died down. Then she snuck down herself and skirted along the edge of the party to the portrait hole, beyond grateful that James was on the other side of the room facing the other way. In your favorite shirt that fits him just right… Later Lily, she chided herself. First, make sure your bestie's all right. Flashes of Mary's face kept popping into her head.
Lily stumbled down the stairs, her head getting heavier and heavier as she made her way to the dungeons where she knew Marlene had disappeared to. Maybe if I just come at it from another angle… maybe if I just banish that fucking bandage and she SEES it…
"Lily?"
Lily turned sharply to the sound of her name, nearly falling over but righting herself against the wall. What the fuck is happening? She blinked her eyes hard as the edges of her conscience started to blur and fade. I had one shot… She swallowed dryly. Did… did someone hex me? "Fuck."
The voice got closer. "Hey, are you okay?" Oh thank fucking Merlin, it's Adam.
"No. I don't feel good." Panic started to set in and her voice wobbled.
Adam's arm came around her waist. "Whoa." She must have started to fall, because she suddenly felt pressure pushing her in an unwanted direction. Everything was starting to come to her in bursts. Scary, sporadic, bursts. I just wanna go home. I just wanna be in my bed. "It's okay," were the last words she heard before she blacked out completely.
Lily gasped as she bolted upright. Where the fuck… Her eyes groggily took in her surroundings, pretty damn sure she'd never been in this room before. The walls were brick and there was an overwhelming blur of yellow and black, as though nature had come out in full force to warn her that she was in danger. As soon as her eyes locked with a boy across from her, he extinguished his wand with a terse 'Knox,' rolled over, and went right to sleep. Robby? She was pretty sure that was him. Wait a second… How was she currently able to see a Hufflepuff in his bed? She turned her head to the side and nearly screamed at the man lying next to her. It was Adam. Lily nearly hyperventilated thinking back over the night before, but she could barely remember a single thing. I was in my room… with the girls?! She patted down her body, not willing to look in case she saw her worst fears come to life, but she was still in fact fully clothed, just cold as shit. A cool trickle of relief washed over her as she inhaled a deep breath.
As stealthily as she could, she snuck out of Adam's bed, praising whichever Hufflepuff snored like the living dead and muffled her movements. She closed the door to the room behind her and nearly collapsed onto the staircase, clinging to the railing shakily. What the actual fuck!? What happened last night? How did I get here? What happened? Lily wanted to cry, but she had to make it home first. She had to make it back to Gryffindor.
She bounded down the stairs two at a time until she was in the common room, which thankfully she knew at this point.
She had just escaped through the Hufflepuff entrance and passed the random barrels obscuring it when she heard a high voice: "Well, well, well." And Lily had naively thought her morning couldn't get any worse. She froze, not wanting Avery to see what she was sure would be her makeup-smudged face. Of all the days to actually apply a decent amount, I chose yesterday? "Is someone doing her slag walk-of-shame? Potter is going to be pissed." The multiple footsteps behind her told her he wasn't alone.
"Fuck off, Avery," she snarled as she kept marching up the stairs towards the Entrance Hall.
"Oo, feisty! Guess someone wasn't even satisfied!" She rounded a corner, but his gross voice followed. "Enjoy your freedom while you can, Mudblood!" She didn't have time to unpack that one.
She powered through her throbbing headache, climbing up countless flights of stairs until she saw the Fat Lady. She almost cried in relief as she stated, "Valor."
"Correct." The portrait opened, and it seemed Lily's torture wasn't done quite yet: the Marauders had just reached the bottom of their staircase.
Lily entered her common room, still shivering and feeling like a death row inmate who'd just received her final meal. Sirius and Peter avoided eye contact, James' eyes roved over her (her necklace, last night's clothes, her ashamed face) with a completely dead look, and Remus regarded her sympathetically. It was like 5th year all over again — only worse. Lily was suffocating.
"Hi Lily," Remus said awkwardly.
Lily only had eyes for the broken boy with the messy locks. "James, I—" but she had no idea what she'd done. She had no idea what had even happened. How were you supposed to comfort someone when it was in fact you who needed saving? He'll get that. He'll understand, I just have to tell him.
"Evans," James passed her and Lily couldn't help but notice the dark bags under his eyes and the absolute blinding burn of his single word. One word was all he needed to stab her right through the heart.
The corners of her eyes prickled and she felt like someone was tickling the inside of her nose. No, I didn't— I couldn't— Lily wondered if whatever she'd been hit with was still fucking with her brain now. She felt like she was dying.
"James," she cried out more fiercely, spinning around to the boys' retreating backs. Her whole life had crumbled over a miscommunication before. She wasn't going to let it happen again. She watched his back muscles stiffen as he stalled before the exit. Eventually, he told his friends he'd catch up to them. Lily eagerly approached him when they were alone, knowing she could explain everything now. She reached for his arm.
"Don't." He jerked away from her touch, and Lily had to fight off her tears once more.
She'd just have to plead with the back of his head then. "James, I'm sorry, but I don't think I actually did anything."
He snorted cruelly. "You don't think?"
"I…" Lily gesticulated wildly, "I don't remember, but I honestly don't think—"
"I used the Map, Lily." His voice was just as dead as his eyes had been. "I know I shouldn't have, but when you never showed, I was worried." There was a pause that stretched through infinity. "I know you slept with him."
"No!" Lily moved around in front of him, trying to get him to look at her but he remained steadfast, focusing on a spot over her head. "I mean I did, but not like that!"
"Don't lie, Lily. You were trying to tell me you didn't want this like I did, I should have listened. You've been using me like a sex toy, nothing more—"
"That's not it!" He finally looked at her, hearing the tears in the tremble of her vehemence. "I haven't! I didn't do anything—"
"I thought you didn't remember?"
Lily nearly pulled all her hair out right then and there. "I don't, but—"
James scoffed furiously as his fists clenched at his sides. "Look, I can't do this right now." He tried to sidestep her but she backed up till she hit the portrait. She wasn't going to lose him… not like this.
"Can we at least talk later?" she begged.
He wasn't looking at her again, his eyes glistening. "I can't keep doing this, Lily. I really can't." If she didn't know her own heart, she might have thought he was suffering just as much as she was right now. When he spoke again, he'd clearly been able to get his emotions back under control. "Get some rest, Evans. You look like shit." With that, he brushed past her and pushed open the Fat Lady, leaving Lily alone to crumple into a shaking heap on the floor.
After two 1st years had discovered her and thoroughly shamed her with their innocent and earnest worry for her well-being, Lily found the willpower to get herself up to her room. As soon as she'd pushed the door open, she was bombarded with absolute chaos. She heard someone retching in the bathroom, Hestia was crying in Marlene's arms, and Dorcas was clutching her head, looking paler than she'd ever seen her.
"Where were you?!" Marlene yelled storming over to Lily.
"Um," Lily's eyes darted around panicked. She needed a bloody fucking second; she felt like she'd been five steps behind all morning. On the far end of the room, she noticed Brianna looked sick but still unbelievably pleased with Lily's current predicament.
"You scared us to death! Everyone here blacked out. And then I came back this morning and you were nowhere to be found!" So she'd spent the night with Rosier. Great. Just a cherry on top of this raging dumpster fire of a morning. "And so I went to the Marauders and James got all pissy and told me to ask you myself!"
"Everyone blacked out…?" Lily looked to all the other girls. Dorcas nodded solemnly. "I thought I'd been hexed…"
"Yeah, everyone but me," Marlene growled. "How much did you drink Lily?"
"Just one—"
"I can't fucking believe you!" Fuck. If she's swearing, she's still beyond mad at me. "You tell me you're into James, and the boy gives you his fucking heart on a silver platter, and then you— you… you sleep with some other bloke!" Marlene felt like she'd just been punched in the gut. So everyone thinks I stepped out on James? "Well, don't just stand there! What do you have to say for yourself?" Lily opened her mouth, but her friend continued her tirade, "He's my cousin, Lily. He loves you, and this is how you treat him? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Marlene!" Lily had to yell to be heard. "I didn't leave to go shag anyone, I was looking for you, and then I blacked out!" She motioned to the other girls. "I didn't realize everyone else did too until just now." She locked eyes with Dorcas. "We must have been roofied." Dor had a Muggle mom; Lily knew she'd know what she meant.
"The booze…?" Dorcas' eyebrows rose up her forehead as she caught onto Lily's train of thought. "I thought we all just drank too much?"
"No way, that was different last night." Lily had more than enough experience watching what alcohol did to people this summer to know. "And you were the only one who didn't drink anything, right?" she asked Marlene. "And I bet you're the only one who remembers leaving this room. We were drugged," she declared conclusively. She turned back to Hestia and Dorcas. "Do you know what happened to you guys yesterday?"
"Apparently Sirius and James somehow got us all back up here when we each passed out downstairs. Assumed we'd had too much fun pre-gaming."
At least he saw it wasn't just me then… that should help him believe me. Lily rounded on Brianna, who nearly jumped when Lily approached. "Where's the bottle?" The brunette squirmed uncomfortably. "It was your bottle right? Where'd you get it?" Brianna's eyes strayed to Betty who blanched in response. "Brianna, this is important."
The beauty pointed to the empty bottle beneath her bed. Lily reached for it, clutching it like the lifeline that it was. "I'm gonna take this it Madam Pomfrey. See if she can find any drug residue." She marched determinedly to the door and then looked over her shoulder to Marlene. "Are you coming with me?"
She paused awkwardly, clearly still processing the dramatic turn of events. In her eyes, Lily had gone from an overprotective friend, to a slutty cousin-heartbreaker, to the possible survivor of a drugging, and it was obviously a lot to take in.
Lily didn't have time to spare: it was either find out what had happened to all of them or wallow over a toilet and puke her guts out, and she wasn't quite feeling up for the latter. She summoned her robe. "I'll let you guys know what she says."
"Miss Evans, this is very serious, I hope you know this," McGonagall said as she, Poppy, and Lily all stood around the empty Firewhiskey bottle on the healer's desk. After Lily had explained what had happened to her and the other girls, Poppy had felt it necessary to call in Minerva. Lily figured her Head of House would overlook the fact that half of the girls were underage to drink hard alcohol in favor of uncovering the truth of an attack — she was fair like that.
"I know, Professor. But I'm pretty sure that's what happened."
"And you don't know where this bottle came from?" she asked sternly.
"No. The girl," no use throwing anyone specific under the bus, even if that someone was usually a bitch, "doesn't remember. But she drank it and blacked out too, so I think her sharing it with everyone was an accident." It was actually kind of surprising that Brianna had shared something of hers with the room. Lily still viscerally remembered the screaming that had happened when her friend, Lisa, had borrowed Brianna's jeans without asking her in 4th year. If she closed her eyes, she could still hear the ringing shrieks.
McGonagall nodded and pointed her wand to the bottle. The few drops that had been left at the bottom were currently being analyzed by a nifty little machine Pomfrey had collected out of the back of one of her cabinets. McGonagall concentrated very hard, making the cap and the remnants of the seal left on the base glow sapphire blue. "Interesting," she muttered to herself.
"What is it, Minerva?" Poppy asked curiously.
"Whoever gave the girl this bottle wanted to know when it was opened. Besides poisoning it, they also put a notification charm on the seal." Lily looked over the bottle, thoroughly frightened. "As soon as she opened it, they were alerted."
Lily shuddered. Who the hell wanted to drug Brianna? Sure, she'd never liked the girl, but she would also never want to see another girl get taken advantage of; that was simply barbaric.
McGonagall looked over her glasses to Lily. "I know you want to protect her identity, but I implore you to have her come see me. It appears as though she is in a lot of danger."
A whistle blew, making all the women jump. Pomfrey rushed over to the analysis machine and pulled up the slip of parchment it had just spat out. "Rohypnol," she stated seriously.
We were drugged.
Lily tried to talk to Brianna several times afterwards, but the girl was definitely avoiding her. Eventually she'd just snapped at Lily and told her she'd be fine and to leave her alone. Lily truly had no idea what her problem was and how she could be so blasé about the situation. Lily knew if someone was actively trying to dope her, she'd be completely panicked. Then again, she guessed she had enough to deal with considering the bounty already on her own head. Thank Merlin me being drugged was collateral damage.
The only girls still in the room when Lily returned from the infirmary were Hestia and Dorcas, so she told them the news, asking them to spread it to the others. She was just so, so tired. She knew she was a stronger person than she had been last year, but everyone still had a breaking point — and she was painfully aware she was about to hit hers.
Lily headed towards the bathroom, ready to scrub her body completely raw and wipe this entire rotten day off of her skin.
"She won't be mad at you for long." Dorcas' words stopped her in her tracks. "She'll know you didn't do anything wrong. She's just protective of her cousin, but I believe you. I can tell you really like him."
She nodded her head, hoping Dor could tell just how much she appreciated her words without her having to turn around. "Thank you." Her voice was watery as she'd just started crying again. Get it together, Evans.
But she couldn't. She sobbed as she stripped off her clothes, her underwear harrowingly reminding her of how the night was supposed to go… with James. James. He'd looked so hurt this morning. She cried the entire shower. It was just too much: Voldemort, Marlene and James' rejections, the vulnerability that came with knowing your body had just been out in the open all night with no one at the helm, completely unprotected.
"Lily?" Hestia said gently from the other side of her bed curtains when the girls had returned from brunch. Lily quickly wiped away the wetness from under her eyes. "Adam's outside Gryffindor. He wants to talk to you. He looks really worried."
"Okay, thanks, I'll be right out," Lily said in the strongest cadence she could muster. I got this. This was a good thing. Maybe Adam could help her piece together just what had happened last night. She took a deep breath and met him downstairs in the hall.
He looked almost terrified to see her. "Lily?" he asked tenderly. Don't you dare start crying again, don't you dare… Before she knew what she was doing, she'd thrown her arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as possible. She just needed to be held right now. He relaxed against her almost immediately and returned her embrace. "I was worried when you were gone this morning. Just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Lily let out a shaky breath, taking a step back to see his brilliantly blue eyes. "Sorry, I just woke up so confused."
Adam scratched the back of his neck. "Had a little too much to drink?" he supplied.
"No. Get this — someone tried to drug Brianna."
"What?!" Adam cried.
"Yeah. She shared her spiked Firewhiskey with all of us and we blacked out."
"Fuck…" Adam muttered staring at the wall. "Do you think this is related to Rosier?"
Lily bit her lip. She hadn't even thought of that. Did he want all us girls out of the way for the night? It was risky as hell… but it had kind of worked, hadn't it? Lily hadn't been able to stop Marlene from seeing him… "Maybe?" But there was no way he'd know Marlene wouldn't drink any… unless… he'd actually wanted her to. Fuck. Lily's head started pounding all over again.
"Shit. Well, it explains how out of it you were."
Lily gave a fake little smile to a group of 3rd years who approached, eyeing her curiously before ducking through the portrait. "Yeah, so what happened?"
Adam pursed his lips. "Well, I was sneaking over to the kitchens when I found you, completely gone, like, eyes all hazy, it was scary. Anyway, I thought about taking you back to Gryffindor, but I knew I wouldn't be able to climb your stairs even if I could get in, and I couldn't just leave you in the common room, that is of course if I could even get past this portrait without a password," he pointed to the Fat Lady as he rambled on, "so I figured my only option was carrying you into my dorm." He looked at her significantly. "But I swear, I just put you on the bed. I probably should have slept on the floor, but my back's been killing me." He grimaced guiltily.
Lily knew Adam would never take advantage of her like that, but she still felt the pit in her stomach lift and fade all the same. "Thank you for taking care of me. Seriously." Lily pushed back her hair. "When I woke up, Robby was just staring at me, so I was afraid I'd made a fool of myself."
"Nope. You didn't. That would have been pretty hard to do considering you were just… out." He looked even guiltier now. "You probably think I'm a shit friend, huh? I should have brought you to the hospital wing but I honestly thought you were just plastered and needed to sleep it off. I didn't want to get you in any trouble."
Lily touched his shoulder. "I do not think you're a shit friend. I could never."
By the time Monday rolled around, Lily felt like she must have aged 80 years. The only bright spot all weekend was when Marlene pulled her aside to apologize for accusing her of sleeping with someone else and judging her. She had, however, remained adamant that for the sake of their friendship, they shouldn't discuss Rosier ever again, 'because you clearly don't approve.' Lily thought that was an awfully euphemistic way to say, 'think he's a deranged blood supremacist,' but she bit her tongue. A saying her mum used to tell her rang in her ears: 'You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, Sweetheart.'
"Hey, can we talk after class?" James' voice made all the hairs on her arms stand at attention in Transfiguration class.
"Sure," Lily croaked, her throat suddenly parched.
He gave her a little half-smile and sat with his friends a few rows down. By now she was sure he'd heard the whole story. Hell, even wholesome fellow prefect Rebecca had approached Lily at breakfast, very concerned, to see how she was doing. The rumors were flying — and Lily did not miss that the Slytherins were jumping at the chance to spread anti-Muggle and anti-Muggle-born sentiment by leveraging the fact that it was a Muggle drug used for the attack. (That one of the six girls that had been doped was Muggle-born was, of course, irrelevant.)
Lily couldn't help but be terribly worried about James. What does he want to talk about? I doubt it's anything good. He hadn't come and found her that weekend, and after his sharp rebuke, she'd been too scared to be the one to initiate anything.
An hour had never passed more slowly; the only slightly distracting thing to keep Lily from spiraling was when McGonagall scolded Robby for falling asleep and she saw Dorcas sneakily slip him her notes. But true to his word, James was standing by her desk at the end of class, bag slung over his shoulder and the same strained half-smile firmly in place. "Wanna find someplace more private?"
"Sure." Surely, you can think of another word to say.
Every footstep reverberated in her head as they moved in silence to a deserted classroom. James sat down on a desk with a big sigh, looking every ounce as exhausted as she felt while she closed the door.
The seconds dragged on. "I'm sorry," she blurted out, taking a small step towards him. He felt so friggin' far away.
He looked up to her alarmed. "For what?"
Is he serious? "For making you worry."
"It's not your fault. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions." He ruffled his hair anxiously. "You'd just been roofied and I accused you of—" he cut himself short. His hazel eyes locked with hers meaningfully. "I'm really sorry."
"Apology accepted." She gave a sad little laugh, hoping against hope that this was it — all he'd needed to say — and they could go back to the way things were. They could go back to how they were at his home — them against the world and nothing else mattering.
She knew she wasn't going to be so lucky.
"I, um…" His tongue fiddled with his teeth under his lip as he gazed out the window. The snow made everything so damn bright. "I was serious though. I can't keep doing this."
She took another step closer, wanting to touch him but suddenly not knowing if it was allowed any longer. "Doing what?" Please say meeting in classrooms. It's gotta be strictly in beds from now on. It would be a sad compromise, but one I'd so gladly make.
He still looked stoically through the glass. "I don't want this to come out as an ultimatum, because it's not meant to be one, I just… need you to choose already. Because I can't do any more nights like Friday, Lily."
"So what's the choice?"
He looked at her and it hit her like a ton of bricks. "Either we're together, like fully, exclusively, the whole thing, and you accept that that might put a target on my back too…"
"Or?" Her voice cracked.
James' eyes dropped to her necklace; she'd never taken it off. "Or we have to stop this all together."
"Why?" Lily asked quickly. "Why can't we just go back to the way things were— Thursday?" she stammered. They'd been in each other arms, they'd laughed, they'd been themselves. "It was perfect."
James looked down to his clasped hands. "It's not some temporary thing, Lily. If you just needed time, I could give you that. But… this isn't going away. The prophecy is," he took a deep breath, "it. And I can't keep worrying about someone who isn't even mine to worry about. Does that make sense?"
"Not really," she replied honestly.
He took a beat. "When you never came to the party, and I looked at the Map, I saw Adam's label practically on top of yours. Because we're not together, I assumed you guys were fucking. Which, as Padfoot yelled at me, is your right to do," he grumbled. "If you were my girlfriend, I would have known you were in trouble and come and helped, right?" He raked all his nails over his temples just a little too roughly. "But I'm not your boyfriend, and I can't keep putting myself out there emotionally," tears welled in his eyes, "if we're not even a real thing. I can't do this half-assed anymore."
"We are the real thing, though," Lily argued.
"Lily," he responded agonizingly, "you can't even tell me how you feel about me."
"I—I, I'm working on it."
James got to his feet in front of her, touching both her elbows. It was a kind gesture, but not nearly intimate enough for her. I need you. Please don't leave me like this. "I know you are. I am too. But Lily, you didn't see me Friday." His hands dropped to his sides, his expression darkening in shame. "I kinda lost it. I was ready to go barge into Hufflepuff and rip Adam limb from limb. I wanted to fuck another girl, any girl, in front of you just so you could feel the pain I was feeling, I wanted—" He cut himself off pushing his glasses up so he could rub his eyes. Lily watched him enthralled and terrified. "Remus had to talk me down. But can't you see? I don't want to be like that anymore. I've been trying so hard not to be that, to be better than that, to be someone who actually could deserve someone like you, and I almost snapped that night and went right back to who I was."
Lily hadn't taken a breath since he'd said, 'someone like you,' someone like you.
"I can't put myself through that anymore. I don't want to feel that vulnerable anymore." A tear slipped out and trailed down his cheek. Lily cursed the day she was born for making him cry like this. "I don't want to feel like you could literally break me at any second. So you have to choose."
Two pairs of watery eyes locked and in the same moment, they realized it was over. How am I supposed to choose? Loose you now or watch you die with me?! "James, I—" Lily started hyperventilating, "I can't, I just—"
James cut her off by crushing her to his chest, one arm around her back while the other cradled her head under his chin. She squeezed him tightly, trying to etch the feel of him into her very DNA. She was going to die, but he would live. He will live, she chanted in her head, her own mantra to stop from doing something completely selfish like kissing him and telling him she wanted everything he did… because she did. Fuck, I do. A thousand times over, I do. She cried into his shirt while he stroked her hair gently.
He gave the top of her head a long kiss. "Take care of yourself, Lily." He pulled back, and strode out the door.
Lily skipped the rest of the day's classes.
Next Chapter: Monsters You Can't See
Rut roh...
**Have I earned this story's angst rating yet? :D
***Okay, confession: when I was first outlining this story (and was clearly very in a James-is-a-bad-boy headspace), I had Lily seducing Adam while drugged and sleeping with him. In retaliation, James forged a note to have her walk in on him shagging Stone in her classroom. WHOOPS! I hope you agree that where the characters are now, this totally would not work anymore!