Chapter Twelve: Dumbo and Sissy Spacek Sex Scenes

Dumbo was a little bit flustered. Sure, many people had asekd him about what it was like to have sex with one of the best actresses ever, but the Pope?! Come on. Dumbo knew it was hot, but he wanted it to sound like a sex scene from Patricia Highsmith's Fingersmith, except instead of lesbians the characters were Sissy Spacek and a flying elephant.

"So like, I was kissing her," Dumbo said, raising his eyebrows to indicate how hot it was. He gave a confident smile that faltered a bit, betraying his nervous energy at the retelling of how he lost his virginity.

"Yes go on Dumbo," the Pope urged him. The Pope's trousers had created a small tent in his groin area.

"And she was, like, kissing me..." Dumbo tried to make this sound sexy, but nothing could have ever been as sexy as the actual warm pulse of Sissy Spacek's lips, so he didn't even try. "With both upper and lower lip," he continued.

"Good, good, that's how it should go." The Pope was really egging the elephant on, and he seemed into it, so Dumbo was gaining some confidence with his story.

"Yeah, and like, she used my ears...to hold her by the neck."

"Wow, Dumbo, that sounds sweet," the Pope said. He was watching Dumbo with the intensity of a person watching the movie Spartacus, during the scene where everyone is like, "No, I'm Spartacus!"

"Yeah, it was pretty nice," Sissy Spacek chimed in. Dumbo tried to hide his cocky little grin, but mostly failed. He could feel it spreading over his face.

The Pope's hands were fidgeting in his pockets. Dumbo knew that he was just itching to vape, and the only way to stop the Pope from whipping out a big ass cloud of vape was to heighten his sex life with the prose of a literary classic.

"I wanted to envelop her with one lick of my tongue. Every time my trunk touched her, there was a bath of lightning across my skin."

"Wow," remarked Sissy.

"And my dick was hard."

"Wow," the Pope said, rapt with attention. He was not interested in vaping at that moment.

"And then we needed some financial help, so we called Dave Ramsey."

"WHAT?!" yelled the Pope.

"Yeah, we called Dave Ramsey. I was in some credit card debt at the time, and we figured the hottest thing to do in that moment was to be debt free."

"Okay," the Pope said. His mouth was agog, and he looked like he was waiting for a very overdue bus. But the only bus that was to come was not a bus, but a snowball.

"So we got started paying off my debt. We worked on the smallest loans first. This is called the Snowball Method, and Dave Ramsey turned us onto it. I was really feeling happy because it felt like every few months we were finished with one debt or another. That was really motivating, but there was so much debt. One day, after Sissy and I went to see Inception in theatres, we were both discussing how we found it to be rather-"

"Childish and nonsensical?" the Pope suggested.

"Yes, exactly, I think those were our exact words. It was just like a puzzle box you give a screaming ten-year-old when you're desperate for ten minutes of quiet," said Dumbo.

Sissy Spacek laughed lightly and tucked a wisp of hair behind her ears. "Then we promised each other that we'd never have children."

"And then you asked if we could get an apartment together," Dumbo said.

Sissy Spacek would no longer meet Dumbo's eyes. Her voice cracked, and the light hit her in such a way that you could only see the left side of her face. "Mmm, it went downhill."

Dumbo chimed in. "We lived down a hill. And almost every day there was a mudslide. This didn't bother me much, because I can fly, but - and this might surprise you - Sissy can't."

"So every day I would trek up a mile of mud, just to get to the set of Badlands," Sissy sighed.

"It was very sad," Dumbo commented.

"And the money from the circus wasn't coming in. I was getting unemployment. But even then, I had become obsessed with David Ramsey. I had all of his books, and I even read one. Every penny I got, I put down to paying my debts. I didn't buy anything for a year. I foraged food from the Whole Foods dumpsters and watched movies by getting them from the library. It was difficult, but I did it. I wasn't anywhere close to paying off my debts, though."

"You were stressed," the Pope realized.

Dumbo hung his head. "All I thought about was the debt snowball. I watched those library DVDs, but all I was thinking about was interest rates and credit scores… and then one day, a friend from the circus said I could live in his basement for 50 dollars a month. I…" Dumbo took in a sharp breath. "I took him up on it. I didn't even finish paying the rent for the lease with Sissy."

He exhaled in a deep sigh.

"I didn't have the money for the last month's rent, so I had to sell my dead mother's treasured Ball and Cup to make it. It was the only thing I had left from her."

Dumbo looked at Sissy. "I haven't seen her since. This was two years ago."

With that, the men from the company Dumbo paid to do his flashbacks got up. They took the sunglasses from his face, threw a smoke bomb, and disappeared.

"Wow, Dumbo, thanks for that experience," Pope Francis said. Dumbo figured that the Pope had never experienced a good flashback before. That one was top quality.