Chapter 31: Tuesday, April 29, 1980

"You will always fall in love, and it will always be like having your throat cut, just that fast."

-Catherynne M. Valente

Hermione could feel the blood drain from her face as the realization hit her like bludger to the side of the head. There had never been an antidote. Panic surged into her throat, squeezing her airway tight as she tried to take in desperate gasps of breath. She had never been so wrong about something in her life. And now she had another thirty days she had to wait before she could go back to her own time, before she could go to Draco and Harry and explain how absolutely wrong they had been.

"Hermione?"

The worry in Remus' voice forced her eyes up from the thin journal, she blinked several times and realized her clouded vision was due to the tears clinging to her eyelashes.

"I was wrong," she whispered, the hollow feeling of defeat stealing her. "I was so completely wrong."

"What are you talking about, love?" Remus asked, his tone soft but full of worry.

"Everything," she breathed. "I… I was wrong about all of it! I… Oh my God, Remus, I fucked up."

Remus moved from the cushion beside her to kneel in front of her. He took both her hands in his, tilting his head to the side a bit as he looked at her, studying her, trying to make sense of the situation. "What can I do to help?"

Hermione's shoulders sagged as she leaned forward, a sob tearing from her throat. She tried to organize her thoughts, desperately searching for a way to tell him about the stunning lack of research she had done before going on a gut feeling to come back here. She should have known better, she did know better. It was Harry, who always had the sound intuition. Not her, never her. She went off logic and research and things that made sense. And the one time, the one time, she decided to follow her gut feeling…

Hermione motioned to the open journal, not able to get the words past her lips. Remus' eyes lingered on her for a moment before he slowly pulled the journal from her lap, looking down at the pages with furrowed brows.

"It's an antidote?" he asked, finally looking back up to her.

"I thought it was," she said, her voice shaky. "I thought… I thought since it had been written now… Since the curse was created in this time… I was wrong."

Remus flipped through the pages of the journal, his eyes skating over the rushed writing and she could feel the anger mounting in him, rolling off him in waves of ill-contained fury. Of course, he was angry at her. Of course he was! She had this book full of Death Eater secrets and she had kept it from him, from all of them! For a stupid, stupid mission she had put herself on. For a fucking whim decision she had made, a decision that could completely ruin the future as she knew it. For all she knew, when she got back to 2001, everyone would be dead and Voldemort would still be at large and-

"They're using these curses as warfare," Remus whispered. "We've seen some of these… People have died because we didn't know what they were."

"I know," Hermione said. "I know. I couldn't… I couldn't tell you! I've tried! I've tried to tell you and I… I'm sorry, Remus. I know you're angry with me but I'm sorry!"

"I'm not angry with you," he said.

Whatever apology was on her lips died in her throat as he spoke, "You're not?"

Remus closed the journal, shaking his head and setting it back down on the table behind him. "No. How can I be angry with you? You're not the one casting the spells, you aren't the reason we've lost people. I'm angry that they've created these horrendous spells, not because you know of them."

"But I had the information! I had it and I didn't tell-

"You clutch your wrist through every meeting," Remus interrupted. "I can hear your heart rate pick up and… and that little groan you do under your breath like you're in pain. You made a Vow, didn't you?"

Hermione closed her eyes as her chin dipped down, her teeth sank into her bottom lip. He knew. Remus knew she had made an Unbreakable Vow and she could only imagine that he was disgusted with her. Not only had she used blood magic to get here, but she used a form of Dark Magic to ensure she couldn't help them. She was despicable.

Still, she finally parted her lips forcing the answer out, "Yes."

"Then you couldn't very well tell us, could you?" Remus asked, his voice almost cooing.

Hermione opened her eyes and stared at him. He was nearly eye level with her, even crouched down while she sat, he was tall, but his face didn't show contempt or anger toward her. Only concern. He reached up and tucked a lock of curls behind her ear, his hand falling to the side of her neck, his thumb gently running over the skin there.

"Remus, you don't understand…" Hermione whispered.

"I understand perfectly fine, thank you." Remus said, "You fucked up. We all do from time to time, believe it or not. Sometimes it's far worse than others… But if... If it brought you here, I am eternally grateful for this gargantuan mistake."

Hermione stared at Remus for several long moments, her mind coming to a complete halt. His golden eyes bore into her, staring straight through her and into her soul. She didn't deserve this comfort right now, but Merlin, if she didn't need it… She surged forward, pressing her lips to his with a bruising force.

As his soft, scarred mouth moved against hers, his tongue meeting hers between their lips, she warred with the thoughts in her head. Every nip to her lips and caress to her skin by Remus set her on fire, lighting her from the inside out while simultaneously drowning her brain in want. She heard the soft sighs and low moans escape her throat, heard that rumbling growl in his chest, but her mind was reeling.

How could he want to kiss her like this, after everything she had confessed? After showing proof that she had known what some of the curses were that took people from him, after proving that she had been so completely wrong in her theories? How could he still want her? How was he not absolutely repulsed by her?

"Stop thinking," Remus mumbled into her lips, "I'm not angry with you."

"You should be," she replied, taking a sharp breath as his hands found their way under her sleep shirt and cupped her breasts, the pads of his thumbs rubbing circles over the sensitive peaks.

"The same way you should be terrified of me?" Remus asked, pulling away and staring down at her, his hands still under her shirt but a very earnest look on his face.

"It isn't the same thing."

Remus' hands slid down, the tips of his thumbs now brushing the underside of her breasts in gentle strokes, "Isn't it?" He asked, his voice just above a whisper. "If you get to deny being terrified of me, I get to deny being angry with you. I don't think there's much you could do that would really put me off."

"Remus, I-

He cut her off, his lips pillowing against hers with a gentleness she hadn't felt perfected by any other man she'd ever kissed. He trailed soft kisses down her jaw, a shiver running up her spine as his hands slid down her sides and his lips latched on to a sensitive spot on her neck that he somehow always knew how to find. The tip of his tongue darted out, dragging across the skin before he murmured into her neck, "Let me take your mind off of it, and if tomorrow you're still upset about it, we'll talk."

Her head nodded in agreement of its own accord and before she could stand, Remus swept her up off the sofa, cradling her in his arms as he walked moved out of the living room and down the hall to her bedroom. She wrapped her arms around his neck, peppering kisses over his throat and letting the woodsy smell of his cologne, mixed with cinnamon and chocolate, intoxicate her. He laid her across her bed, crawling toward her and her knees fell apart, allowing him to settle his hips between her thighs.

Slowly, Remus pushed her cotton sleep shirt over her torso, smiling down at her as he pulled it over her head. He chuckled when she pulled her back off the mattress, her fingers working to swiftly unbutton the baggy, tan cardigan he was wearing. He shrugged it off, hesitating as her hands pulled at the hem of the jumper underneath.

"I've seen you without a shirt on, Remus." Hermione reminded him, thinking back to a few months prior when he had been badly injured during that full moon, "I don't care about your scars anymore than you care about mine."

She could see the nervousness in the nod he gave, but he grabbed at the hem and pulled it over his head, tossing it unceremoniously to the floor in a heap next to his cardigan. He fell forward, supporting his weight on his forearms as he hovered over her, his lips moving down her throat and chest, lingering to pay attention to her nipples for a moment before pressing their way further south.

Hermione could feel her heart pounding hard in her chest when he hooked his fingers into the elastic of her shorts and knickers, pulling them both down swiftly as she raised her hips to help. He continued his trail of kiss straight down to her core, his eyes looking up over her body, blazing gold as he smirked and dragged his tongue through her folds. Hermione yelped, her back arching instantly as his tongue circled her clit, his lips closing around it to apply a small amount of pressure before he sucked lightly on her.

Remus was a fast learner, not only in academics, but in the bedroom as well. After the first time they had gone this far, he had made it his life's work to discover what he could do that would elicit the best responses. And Hermione had not complained about that, not one bit. She wanted to laugh at her fifteen year old self as she lay on top the duvet, writhing under Remus' ministrations. She had been rather prudish when she was younger, but the moment she discovered she could use sex as an escape, as break from her ever racing mind, she had been more than happy to participate.

Hermione moaned loudly, her eyes fluttering shut as one of her hands sunk into the shaggy, sandy blond locks on Remus' head. Her nails scraped against his scalp as she twisted her fingers in his hair, crying out when he sunk two fingers into her heat, stroking her from the inside and laving his tongue against the sensitive peak of nerves.

"Remus!" she gasped, her hips bucking upward, "Please! I need… I want more."

He paused for a moment before withdrawing his digits from her center, pulling his face up to hers. She could see the sheen of slick across his lips, glinting in the low light that streamed in from the window. He licked his lips and then pressed them to hers, lingering for a minute before pulling back away from her.

"Do you know the… The contraceptive charm? I haven't… I don't…"

"Yes," she nodded feverishly, "Yes, I know it."

He swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing as a nervousness took his face, "I want to... If... if you want to…"

Hermione swallowed, her chest still heaving, "Yes."

Remus nodded, moving off the bed to unbuckle his trousers and strip himself completely. He settled himself between her thighs again and Hermione reached up to his face, brushing his fringe from his eyes. She held his face between her palms, allowing him the time he needed to prepare himself. She knew he was nervous, scared even, of hurting her or of getting too rough when it was close to the moon. And now, the moon would rise in less than twenty-four hours, she could only imagine what was running through his head.

But she would be patient, allow him the time to collect himself. She wanted this to be perfect for him, to be something special. Her first time had been full of fear and uncertainty of her future, more of a "we're going to die soon, so we should do this" rather than an act of giving herself to someone out of love and respect.

Love.

The word sat in her mind, thrumming against her brain as she looked up at Remus. Did she love him? She had only been with him a few months, had only known this version of him little more than half a year. But as the word fluttered through her mind, her chest swelled and her thoughts raced. She had always liked Remus, she knew that, even with her memories as distorted and butchered as they were, she knew that in her own time, he was important to her. But did she love him? Could she love him? Knowing that her time was limited, and now… Now that clock was ticking even faster, pushing her need to find answers even further than they had been before. She quickly stuffed the thought back into the recess of her mind, shoving it down to deal with later. Right now, her only focus should be the man above her.

She pulled his face to hers and held his lips with her own as her hands moved down toward his hips, her fingers wrapping around his length. He hissed into the kiss as she gave him a few slow strokes. She placed her other hand over her stomach and pulled away from his lips to whisper a wandless contraception charm and she chuckled as his eyes went wide when the soft pink glow emitted around her middle. His lips found hers again and she shifted her hip a bit, guiding him to her entrance and removing her hand when she felt the tip of his erection pressing against her.

Remus pulled away from their kiss and looked down at her, taking a shuddering breath. Hermione pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded, letting him know she was ready when he was.

When he pushed forward, Hermione gasped at the feeling of him. She couldn't remember a time she had ever felt so full, so perfectly fucking full. He buried himself into her heat, moving slowly as he groaned loudly, a low growl rumbling at the end of it. When he was seated deep within her, stilled as he adjusted to the feeling, she wriggled her hips, silently begging him to move.

Finally, Remus pulled back and snapped his hips forward with far more force. Hermione could feel the coil that sat low in her belly tighten, twisting and pulling as he pumped into her. She gasped as he stroked a particularly sensitive spot, feeling his thrusts become faster and far more erratic and then...

"Ungghhh, fuck! Shit!" Remus swore loudly as his thrusts slowed, emptying himself inside of her and panting to catch his breath. He buried his face in the crook of his neck, "I'm sorry. I… God… Fuck, this is embarrassing. I- I… I didn't mean for it to go so… so quick. Fuck."

Hermione smiled, stifling the chuckle in her throat, and pulled him down to her, sighing at his weight against her chest. She ran her fingers through his hair and turned her face to place a kiss on his temple, "It's okay. The first time is always quick."

"I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my fucking life," he murmured into the crook of her neck, refusing to look up at her.

She heard him mutter a few more words that sounded a lot like "shut up", to himself. She chuckled, pressing more kisses against the side of his face and wrapping her arms around his back, holding him flush against her chest.

"Remus, it's okay. Really. It's nothing to be embarrassed of."

"Sirius can never find out," he said, suddenly pulling up to look at her with a very serious look on his face. "Never."

Hermione barked out a loud laugh and nodded, "I won't tell if you don't. But you know what this means, don't you?"

"That I was never meant to shag a beautiful woman?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "No, you silly and very dramatic man," she playfully poked at the tip of his nose and smiled. "It means we have to practice. Practice makes perfect, afterall."

Thursday, May 1, 1980

It was half six when Hermione stepped through the threshold of Lily and James' house, toeing off her trainers and pulling the phial of pain potion and chocolates from the pocket of her cloak.

"What did you do to him?" James' voice called from the living room.

Hermione knit her eyebrows together in confusion as she rounded the corner, narrowly missing the large fern that looked as if it had been spilled over once again.

"What do you mean?"

"He means," Sirius said, looking up from the magazine in his lap. "Moony was a different wolf this month. Fucking docile. Well, as docile as a werewolf can be. Did you drug him or something?"

"Did I… Did you just ask me if I drugged Remus?" Hermione asked, incredulously.

"I mean, maybe not drugged," James said. "But Pads is right, he was completely different this month. We kept waiting for him to go after one of us like he normally does, but it was like he didn't even care that we were there. We slept half the night!"

"I assure you, I did not drug my werewolf boyfriend!" Hermione said.

"Well according to all the books there's nothing that would keep him so calm, especially with how agitated he gets leading up to it. Do you think he could have gotten into some sort of plant or something?" James asked.

Hermione shrugged, "I suppose that's a possibility... But it's a good thing, isn't it? If he was-

"Hang on," Sirius said, extending his index finger up. "There is one thing the books mention…" He turned his face back toward Hermione, a very mischievous smirk slowly spreading across his face as his eyes lit up with amusement. "You finally shagged him, didn't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"All the books talk about werewolf libido and how a werewolf is more aggressive when their needs aren't met, so to speak… I don't know what a properly fucked werewolf looks like, but I'm assuming our little mister Moony just showed us!" Sirius laughed, clapping his hands together.

Hermione's mouth fell open and she felt her teeth click when she finally snapped it shut. She could feel the flush in her cheeks and she prayed to Merlin that Sirius and James didn't-

"Well good on you!" Sirius practically cheered, "Prongs, look at her! They definitely shagged! See?! I fuckin' told you!"

"Great, more galleons I owe you," James grumbled. "Lily is gonna kill me."

"You bet on it?!" Hermione said.

"Oh yeah," Sirius mused. "Absolutely we did! If you don't mind, kitten, we'd really appreciate it if you gave Moony a little ride every full moon. Makes our jobs a lot easier."

"Jesus Christ," Hermione sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Are you done?"

"He's never done," James said, getting up from the sofa and crossing the room. He gave Hermione's arm a light squeeze, "But honestly, it would help out quite a bit."

Hermione huffed out a mirthless laugh as she swatted at James' arm, "You both should mind your own business!"

"It's not like we aren't all adults here, I have a pregnant wife and everything!" James laughed, "Speaking of which, I'm headed to bed. Aforementioned pregnant wife is sure to be cross with me if I don't warm the bed for her soon. See you later?"

"Get some rest you bloody idiot," Hermione grumbled, unable to keep her lips from pulling upward.

"I'm off to bed too," Sirius said, stretching as he stood from the sofa. "Keep it down in there, would you? His room is right next to mine and I'd rather not listen to him howl."

"You're ridiculous," Hermione muttered. "Absolutely ridiculous."

"I'm not wrong though, and that's what counts," Sirius gave her a wink as he passed by.

Hermione shook her head, following him down the hall and stopping in front of Remus' door. She gave a light knock and when he didn't answer, she pushed the door open slowly, content to leave the phial and chocolates on his desk and let him rest. She stepped into the room and smiled as he rolled onto his side and slowly blinked at her.

"Are they done taking the piss?"

"I'm not sure they'll ever be done, but they've gone to bed." Hermione said, closing the door behind her and stepping over to the bed. She pulled the cork from the phial and handed it to him, "Heard Moony was in a good mood though."

"Yeah, apparently." Remus agreed, smiling as he took the phial from her and swallowed it's contents, handing the empty glass tube back to her, "Stay with me for a while?"

Hermione nodded, standing up and unbuttoning her trousers, slipping them off her legs and putting them on top of the desk, neatly folded. She sank under the duvet and snuggled into Remus as he wrapped both his arms around her, pulling her back to his chest and placing small kisses on the back of her shoulder.

Within minutes, Remus' breath evened out and he had drifted off to sleep again. Hermione laid awake, staring at the door, her mind filtering through the thoughts that raced. Her mind latching onto one thought in particular: Should I stay?

She couldn't remember a time that she felt at peace in the way she did when she was with Remus. When she was with James, Sirius, and Lily, too, if she were being honest with herself. But with Remus, she truly felt calm. A simple and delicate emotion she hadn't felt in many years, not since the last summer she spent with her parents, before she was forced to obliviate them, of course. She felt safe wrapped in Remus' arms, comforted, even. And guilty.

Hermione had no purpose here now, no reason to be here. Now that her research had been proven to be extremely shortsighted, she had nothing to keep her here. Nothing but the pang in her chest when she thought about leaving the man that was currently snoring softly into her shoulder.

What have you gotten yourself into, Hermione?

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a/n This election has me stressed so here's another chapter to hopefully take your minds off of it for a few minutes.

Also, I've been having hella issues with ffn lately, if you use the app, apparently the chapters are coming through but only for like half the people? I have no idea. Honestly, I read on AO3 *shrug* So, if you switch over to there, you can read the chapters no probs and also I CAN TALK TO YOU THROUGH COMMENT THREADS AND ACTUALLY ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS THAT YOU LEAVE IN REVIEWS instead of fucking with the pm system no one uses.

ugh. sorry, feeling very flustered with this platform this week.

anyway, love you all. thank you for reading! Please remember to review!

xo