Thank you thank you for the reviews and continued support! You guys crack me up, being more nervous about the "let's talk" cliffhanger than the bomb one. I hope you enjoy this next part… it's been a long time coming. – Mac

Chapter 31

Booth looked around the warehouse, at the agents milling about, working to save Bones. And now, him. He hadn't really planned to have this conversation with an audience. And while he knew that these agents were far more busy than to worry about the latest goings-on between him and Bones, he also knew that there was some agency-wide interest in them. Speculation for years. Comments. Assumptions. And then, just genuine interest. Caroline had mentioned betting pools. And of course, she'd orchestrated that mistletoe kiss. She'd also mentioned that many of the female agents had "shipped" them, whatever that meant. He needed to step closer to his partner. Former partner. Right. They needed to keep their voices down and aim for a bit of privacy.

"Benji – we're in luck," one of the agents said, from panels that had just been removed from the wall.

"Please enlighten me on the 'luck' in this situation," Benji replied, with a smile.

"This goes to a basement, so we can get underneath. We need as much equipment and hands on deck down here. It's a mess."

Benji looked up at Booth, before waving all of the other agents from the bomb division off to join the agent at the wall.

"I'll stay here. I need to finish getting into this box. I think it's the detonator, but it's not something I'm familiar with. But it's attached to the mat. So… I'll just go over here." And with that, he walked as far as the wire would allow and crouched down, opened his books, and got back to work.

Booth smiled appreciatively at the agent – a friend for years now. He was giving them space even though he couldn't go far. But Benji never looked up.

"I don't know where to start," Booth finally said, looking at Bones. He took a step toward her and she looked down at the ground, looking like she was trying to keep her own emotions in check.

"We don't have all the time in the world, unfortunately," she finally said. "So… I think the most logical approach would be to just facilitate a conversation about everything. Try to go through everything. We owe each other that. After all these years."

He nodded, his eyes filling with tears. He owed her a hell of a lot more than he'd given her lately – after all of their years. "I'm so sorry, Bones."

"You don't have to apologize, Booth. First of all, you already did. And secondly… I hurt you. I changed the game. We'd been on this path. Together. And… I changed course on both of us. And it left us both alone. I should be the one saying sorry. I caused all of this."

"No! No, Bones, you don't… that isn't…" he trailed off and put a hand through his hair. He knew he was going into their talk blind, with little prepared to say. Because… how could he just sum it all up when it had gotten so out of control, messy and destructive? He still struggled to even make sense of any of it. Add in a change of plans that includes an actual bomb, and his mind was blank except for a dull ache – just all of the pain that he owned. He owned this.

"Bones, do you honestly think that you caused everything? You? All by yourself? Because from where I'm standing, you trusted me to be your friend, and I slammed an ultimatum in your face. Take a chance now or I move on. And that's not… that was never okay, Bones. Okay? It was never okay. And a few weeks ago, I was angry at you for opening up to me in the car. I'm ashamed to say that now. Because you trusted me and you came to me to talk, because you still believed we were best friends," he said, his voice breaking on those last two words. Carefully chosen. She'd believed that's what they were. But at that point, they weren't.

Her eyes held so much pain, as he spoke, but she held back from cutting in and just let him, while a tear escaped her eye. He wanted to pull his hand up and wipe it gently… but… he had absolutely no right right now to do that.

"And I acted like I barely cared. Because that's how I've been acting since you didn't give me the answer I wanted. Isn't it? I didn't want to feel hurt, so I just turned away from the pain – to the point where I began to pull you out of my life in little ways. At first. And then in bigger ways. And I had no idea I was doing it. I know that sounds crazy. I keep saying that man wasn't me. And you're right because that was me, Bones. Seeley Booth – protecting himself by completely hurting the person he loves just about most in this world."

Her eyes widened at that, but he moved ahead quickly. He hadn't meant to say "love" – this wasn't the time. And… love was many things, anyway. She knew he'd always loved her. They'd been the center. They'd been family. "I met Hannah and I threw myself in in pursuit of what I wanted in this life. She was nice, beautiful—"

"And she's good with people," Bones added, quietly. "I still don't know why you ended things with her, Booth. I mean… she is your type. Way more than I ever could've been. She's a better fit. She fits the profile for everyone else you've ever dated. And… on paper, she's just exactly what you wanted. And you seemed really happy, Booth. I hurt you. You said it yourself. She made you happy. After being so hurt, you deserved that. Why did you end it with her?"

"Because. When you ended our partnership, I realized that somewhere between meeting her and that moment in Hacker's office, I had chosen being with her over having any kind of friendship with you. I knew in the moment he told me our partnership was done that that meant we were done because I knew we didn't have anything left. Not anymore. I began to realize that I'd broken every promise I ever made to you. I left you like… like all of those other people in your life who'd abandoned you. I was never supposed to do that. I can't believe I…" He trailed off, choked up. How could he have left her? He pulled at his hair in frustration. "Basically," he said, "take her out of my life and I'm okay. Honestly fine. I have barely thought about her at all since I ended things. But, take you out of my life, and I am done for. I've been through it now. And it's not a feeling or an assumption. Bones, it's a fact."

"When you talked to her about… about what I told you in the car," she said quietly. "You laughed. I felt so ashamed, Booth."

He squeezed his eyes closed, and put a hand up to his mouth, nodding. He knew. He already knew how much hurt he'd inflicted in that moment. But hearing her admit it shook him to his core.

"It wasn't just that you told her. Though, that confused me because… you'd taught me that what's between us is ours. You said that and I've always tried to live by that. And you didn't. You told her everything. But… she was your girlfriend. You lived with her. I… I wanted to understand why you told her. But what made me feel so small, was how you laughed with her. Toasted each other at how annoying this all was. Those were my feelings, Booth. All these years, I've barely understood my heart. I hurt you because over and over again, I fail to make sense of what is going on in here," she said, touching her hand to her chest, "because I work hard – on some level I'm always working hard – to not let people in. I'm trying to change that now. I am. But I know that's what I do. When I understood how I felt, I wanted you to know. And… I can see now that it wasn't the right time. It was inappropriate given Hannah's role in your life. I should have kept my mouth shut. Don't be ashamed that you were angry at me for not doing that. I should have."

"No, Bones—"

"I've never felt so small and inconsequential in my life. And… you told her I wasn't like other people." Her eyes met his and in their clear blue depths he saw razor sharp hurt, but this time she would not let her tears fall. She looked like she did that day in Camden, when she was holding herself together with every fiber of her energy. "I know I'm not like other people," she said quietly. "I've heard that my whole life. Definitely from high school on, as I retreated more and more into science and away from interpersonal relationships, I became quite aware that I was different. I've been called names. I've been teased. I've been left. But you… you always made me feel comfortable and accepted. You'd acknowledge my differences sometimes. Sometimes early on, you'd throw them in my face. But I know I did that right back at you, when I was trying to one-up you over something I felt stronger at. In fact, you did that early on and then… less. As time went on, you just did that less. And our friendship grew. And I felt like you got me. Accepted me completely. I almost felt like you didn't even notice and it made me feel like I belonged."

He looked down, clenching his jaw tightly. He saw the timer on the ground ticking away.

1:42:42

"I trusted you, Booth, because you're honest. You never pretended I was like everyone else when we first became partners. So when our friendship got stronger and stronger and stronger, I knew it was real. You never forced it. So I just trusted it. But… I am different."

She tilted her head and smiled at him sadly, in a way that broke his heart. "You reminded me of other people that day. Like… I wasn't hearing you, but someone else. Some guy talking to his girlfriend about my silly feelings and about how different I am from others. And she's those other girls. Pretty. Good with people. She fits in. I felt like an outsider looking in on the life of people I barely knew, but the hurt was so… I hurt so much from those words because you're far from a stranger to me, Booth. Realizing we were only partners… it wasn't enough. I faced what I'd lost. I'd lost it at some point before that moment. And I didn't realize it. I wish I'd realized it before that car ride. You could've just gone about your life, happy with Hannah, and I could've set my expectations more realistically."

"Do you really think that if you hadn't opened up to me that day, that I'd have gone on happy with Hannah?"

Bones nodded, but said nothing, crossing her arms, pulling herself together after her tearful honesty.

He shook his head. "It wasn't going to work, Bones. And do you know I know it? Because I was a coward. I left it out. I never told her. See, I mentioned you. My partner. My best friend. But I never mentioned to her that before I met her, I told you that I loved you. That I wanted you… for the rest of my life. I never told her that. Not exactly something you mention on the first date. But… I think I was protecting myself, yet again. Doing what I had to do to get the thing I wanted. Someone to love who could love me. Now. Forever. Family. All that. But I left that crucial piece out. And when I think about it now, I realize how in leaving out how much you meant to me, that was when I really began to reinvent your role in my life. It's like, if I said too much, I'd be letting on that you… that you were as important to me as you are. And I knew that would be confusing. That she'd probably leave. Selfish, right? Well… I was being selfish and weak. I never… told… her. And I started really believing it. That's the pathetic part. I positioned you as a friend – a casual friend and of course, a strong, amazing partner. She understood there was a closeness, but my God Bones… she had no clue because I took that off the table completely."

He took a deep breath, shame in his gut. Whether it was talking through all of this with Sweets, or hearing how she viewed their fallout, and how she blamed herself – it was becoming more clear to him. And as much as it shamed him to admit any of this – he had to. He owed her.

"I remember feeling confused when I saw you again. Our familiarity stirred somewhere deep – in a place inside that's just for you. So I grabbed her picture and prattled on about her. And I stopped being with you the way I used to be with you. I didn't look at you as much. Notice you. I used to pay attention, Bones, to just about everything you did. I knew in a moment if you were going through something. I shared every good moment with you. And I celebrated the end of every case with you. With drinks or food. You and me. Together. And I stopped. Call it self-preservation. I just know that it was not okay. And it must have hurt you."

"When I look at it all now," Bones said, "I can see when you changed. And it did hurt. But right before, you mentioned how I never wrote to you while we were apart. And… I know I hurt you, too."

He nodded. "I won't lie. You did hurt me. Why didn't you write? Would you call it self-preservation?"

He smirked at her the way he used to when they shared an inside joke and she smiled tentatively back.

"That sounds about right. I have a lifetime of practice at that." His heart constricted at those words, because she was aware now that he knew just what she meant by that statement – and all the reasons she needed that defense mechanism – all of the nightmares she'd been forced to survive.

"I know," he said quietly. "Me too," he added, thinking of some of the pain of his own past that led him to protect his heart to such extremes.

She nodded. "I didn't write to you, Booth, because I didn't know what to say. So much had changed. And when I was away, I worried about you a lot. You were in a war zone. And you can't help but be a hero. It's one of the best things about you, but… it can break the hearts of people who care about you, when you do it." She took a step toward him and looked up at him. "I'm sorry. I should've written. I shouldn't have been silent. I was trying to figure out how to get us back to normal, after all of the emotion of that year. I thought really taking space would help. And it seems I made the wrong choice. Because my actions just seemed to shatter us."

"My actions did a pretty good job of that, too."

She looked around, at Benji busily fussing over a wire, carefully opening the top of the box, and then around the room before meeting his eyes once again. "Booth – the part you don't realize, about that moment at Founding Fathers was exactly what it was that kind of devastated me."

Booth nodded. He knew. But…. He'd let her say it. She needed to tell him and he needed to hear it.

"She said she'd rather be shot at than deal with things like this and… you agreed. That you'd rather be shot at." She took a deep, shuddering breath. "Booth, I had nightmares every single night when I thought you were dead. Every night. I'd hear gunshots. Over and over. And that damn Cyndi Lauper song. I'd be singing, and you'd be murdered over and over, right in front of me." A tear fell unchecked down her cheek and this time, he did pull a hand up and gently wipe it away. "To me, you died. You were gone. And I mean it when I say that that was the very worst day of my entire life."

That hung in the air for a moment. After learning about her prom night and… and that man, everything she'd lost that night… this was the worst day of her life? How had he never realized what that experience had done to her? She'd punched him on return, so… he figured she'd gotten her emotions out of her system. But… he never realized just how truly hurt she'd really been. When he noticed she looked like she was having trouble breathing, he pulled her into a tight hug and she buried her face in his chest.

He pulled back suddenly and lowered his face until he was level with hers, holding her shoulders firmly, his voice fierce. "You need to know that I didn't mean it. Bones, I never meant it. Not a word. Agreeing to that… that stupid comment. Agreeing was like me saying that your feelings didn't matter, Bones. And your feelings matter to me. They matter to me. Whatever you think and feel and go through – it all matters to me. I would always rather deal with you than ever live a life that you weren't a part of." He let go of her arms and threw a hand through his hair, agitated and emotional. "Here's what I think. Your feelings confused the hell out of me. And they started to shake up what I was doing, when I met her and I didn't tell her about my confession to you and my love for you…when I began to redesign who you were to me so I could make things work with her. My new autopilot was to not notice you. To put blinders up. To slide you into this sideline of my life. Again. And to downplay it all. That day, I decided to be the good boyfriend and tell her. And I downplayed your feelings and my reaction to them. I dismissed you. I get why you left our partnership, Bones. I don't know how you lasted all of those months with me, honestly."

"I guess I thought I deserved it."

"Bones…"

"But I left our partnership, actually, because I knew I didn't deserve any of it. All the hurt and shame – I didn't deserve that."

"You didn't. When I told you my feelings last year, you were so focused on keeping our friendship strong – and our partnership. You were sensitive to my feelings. Even though a second after I said I loved you, I said that I needed to move on. I met Hannah because I was chasing something that just doesn't matter."

"Wanting a family and someone to love does matter, Booth."

"In the end, it didn't really. If I'd been honest and told Hannah everything, and didn't use you as the shield to finally tell her about all of our history – she would've asked me to end our partnership."

"You can't know that."

"I do know that. Because she told me. After that night at Founding Fathers, she made it quite clear that if you hadn't ended our partnership, she would've expected me to."

Bones eyes filled with shock though she nodded.

"Don't you see, Bones? I wouldn't have done that. I couldn't have done that. I would've ended things with her instead. I handled it all in the wrong way. But I learned that this idea that I needed to do whatever I had to do to get those things I wanted… it blew up in my face. Because I know that what I really wanted was what I had. Our family. The whole of it. The partnership and friendship – everything that we were until I ruined it."

She opened her mouth to reply but her phone rang. She looked down. "It's Rob. Can I just quickly…"

He nodded and took a step back, giving her some distance, feeling completely exhausted.

"Rob… wait… tell me what's wrong."

"Benji – get down here now!" one of the agents yelled from the open wall panels. "You need to see this."

The agent's eyes met Booth's. And before he could hide it, Booth saw the flash of pure fear, as Benji ran to him and disappeared from their sight.