A/N: Okay... So, incredibly heavy and hard chapter to write. When I wrote this, I imagined it to take place right after 3x15 and before 3x16. Please send in some reviews and let me know what you thought. I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read this. Thanks again!
Her heart fought against itself, attempting to move forward with each beat, but refusing to accept the reality ahead. Joyous memories rotted into toxins, poisoning her dreams, and infiltrating her most sacred places of solace. Eating and sleeping transformed into chores, and her eyes had wept too many tears to count.
Mid- April 2008
A week earlier…
As Emily Prentiss stood at the fridge desperately searching for any alcohol, she questioned why she'd bothered maintaining a relationship in the first place. After having a massive argument earlier in the week, Devon stormed off with friends to hunt in the forest. The wilderness was the only place that didn't have cell reception, so the brunette had no idea when the man planned returning home. She'd driven to his house after work most days only to see the lights were off and his car wasn't there.
To say his absence bothered Emily would be an understatement. Yes, when it came to arguments, Emily didn't have the nicest vocabulary, and after much time alone with her thoughts and reflections, she'd come to regret her insinuations. What concerned her more though was Devon's lack of communication. She'd rather have him yell at her than him not talk to her at all.
Unable to find any bottles of alcohol in her kitchen, Emily slumped on her sofa in frustration. The brunette didn't know how much more silent treatment she could endure before insanity hit. Part of her felt tempted to peruse a club, but she hadn't done that in months since dating Devon. Besides… Emily knew it wouldn't take long for someone else to start hitting on her, and the last thing she needed was for Devon to show up amid a steamy session in the bedroom.
Her phone buzzed next to her and Emily immediately picked it up, hoping it was Devon finally wanting to talk. Unfortunately, she'd have to wait a little longer for his call and instead chat with JJ.
"Sup."
Emily could have sworn the blonde giggled to herself, "Sup? I've never heard you say that before."
"You have now."
The retort stunned JJ into silence. "Ookay… What's going on Em? And don't play the 'I'm just tired, and it's nothing' card. Something's obviously been bugging you the past few days."
JJ's words rung true. Never had she felt so distracted and off her game. Hotch had taken some personal time off, and instead, she'd spent her breaks with Rossi. It was nice being in his company, but it felt a little abnormal after spending so much time with Hotch. And then, of course, the fight kept replaying in her mind, evoking all sorts of emotions.
"You're right. I have been distracted, but it's nothing. Really."
"Em… Don't downplay this, you can tell me what's going on."
The brunette smiled to herself, incredibly grateful for JJ. She and Hotch seemed to be the only people whom she could open up to without feeling any form of judgement. So, she let out a breathy sigh, "it's so stupid… Devon and I had an argument the other day that we still haven't resolved. And I may or may not have said some things to aggravate the situation."
There was a pause on the line as JJ processed the information, "you sound like you need a wine."
In that instant, Emily's mood lifted significantly, "JJ, you're the best."
"I'll be over in twenty."
True to her word, the blonde arrived with not one, but two bottles of red wine. Emily nearly fell over in shock; JJ had never been one to thrive on alcohol, that was Emily's job. "I'm guessing this is the remainder of your birthday drinks?"
JJ showed a cheesy smile, "maybe…" She walked straight into the kitchen, taking out a couple of glasses. "And who better to share them with, but you?"
"I'm honoured."
"So… This argument, what happened?"
Emily leant up against a counter while JJ passed her a glass, "he's just… Not happy with me working as much as I do."
"And?"
"And… Well… You know me JJ, I want this relationship so bad. But I also can't just drop everything in this career that I've worked so hard for. Imagine Hotch's face if I told him I was quitting the BAU because of my relationship." Emily had already tried resigning from the unit once, and look where that landed her, right back in the same damn job.
"The BAU makes romance difficult."
Emily quirked a brow and bit the inside of her cheek, "How am I going to deal with this… I mean, I can't exactly change my case hours."
"Em, you don't have to do anything. It's your job. He'll just have to get over it."
"Yeah, well… That's the thing. It's been five days going on to eight by the time he bothers to leave the lions and bats. Don't… Couples like, deal with this sort of thing sooner?"
JJ stood silent for a moment, with a sombre expression. "He probably just needs some time to sort through all his emotions… Men can be… Incredibly sensitive." Emily furrowed her brow and cocked her head from side to side. Devon was the least sensitive man she knew.
"JJ, how many men do you know that actually take over five days to process an argument?"
She shrugged her shoulders, "a few. I once knew a girl whose boyfriend refused to talk to her for a week until he was ready… Maybe something you said hit a nerve?"
"That's what I'm afraid of. I've never seen him act like this before. We've had petty little disagreements before, but this is the first big fight we've had. If his aim was to make me feel guilty, then it's working."
"Why do you feel guilty?"
She took a moment to think before answering, "because I'm not good at this…" Emily said sadly, "I've only had three decent relationships in my lifetime, two of which haven't lasted more than three months. This one… I feel guilty because I'm letting my job get in the way of our relationship."
The blonde nodded, not hesitating to wrap her arms around Emily while she sighed in frustration into JJ's shoulder. Sometimes people just needed a friendly hug.
"I'm sorry, I just… What if he doesn't want to deal with it? What if he just gives up on the relationship? Look at what happened to Hotch and Haley."
"Hotch and Haley were high school sweethearts at school and had been married for over a decade. They grew apart…"
"Yes, but Hotch's job was a contributing factor."
JJ bit down on her lip, seeing the brunette's point. "The first fight is always the scariest. But, Emily, I saw you and Devon together at bowling. You guys were practically inseparable. You cannot say that he's not heads over heels in love with you."
"That was two weeks ago…"
"Okay, all I'm saying is that people don't just fall out of love. I'm sure he will be back to normal after he returns from the lions and the bats."
Emily sipped sombrely on her wine, "If you say so… I just don't have a good feeling about this. There's got to be more to him storming out than just my job. What else is bothering him?"
JJ strolled into the living room to sit on the sofa, and the brunette followed shortly behind. "I wish I could say something more about him… I mean, I've only met him once. Tell me, what's he like?"
The brunette twirled the glass of wine in her hand, "he's born and raised in England… A stereotypical hot English Gentlemen with the sexiest accent known to man. What more do you wanna know?" JJ chuckled to herself.
"Right… One of those guys."
"One of those guys that goes hiding in the bushes when he doesn't want to face his problems," Emily added bitterly before taking another swig. "Why does this always happen to me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Relationships… Men… Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier dating a woman."
JJ quirked a brow, "it's… Always a possibility. Would you do it?"
"Date a woman?" Emily bobbed her head from side to side, considering the possibility. "I probably would've back in my reckless days had I not faced so much judgement from my mother. But nevertheless, here I am now, moping over men."
JJ fiddled with an earring and nodded. "Whatever happens, you have to know what is best for you… Who do you love more, Devon or your career?"
Emily shook her head, feeling torn. "There is no favouritism… I love both equally. Which… Is ironically destroying my relationship." The blonde cast a sad smile over to the brunette who just shrugged. "Honestly JJ… I don't think Devon wants to come back."
Another five days had passed, and Devon still hadn't contacted Emily. She knew his little rendezvous in the woods had ended as he could receive calls, but that didn't mean he answered them. Had Emily not been called out on another case, she would have driven over to his house and put the man in his place.
She simply couldn't deal with it anymore.
"Got any plans this weekend Em?" JJ asked from the seat opposite. Emily put down the book she was reading and glanced over to JJ. She'd been so worried about her relationship that she'd forgotten what day it was. If she planned on doing anything this weekend, it would be forcing an explanation out of Devon.
She wanted to discuss everything with JJ without having any of the others eavesdrop, so Emily walked to the back of the cabin and poured herself a cup of tea. "Let me guess…You still having issues with Devon?"
Emily closed her eyes, feeling the exhaustion weighing upon her. "He hasn't bothered calling."
JJ patted her back softly, "that bad, huh?"
The brunette simply shrugged her shoulders and pursed her lips together tightly, "he's not making things any easier for us… I just, don't know what to do."
"I'm probably not the greatest person to give you advice with relationships… But if I were you, I think the best thing you can do right now is approach him head on about."
Emily nodded, letting out a nervous sigh. It was something she dreaded to think about.
The car bumped and waddled as she drove up the gravelly driveway to Devon's cabin. Dust shielded her vision in the dark as the latest pop crazes played on the radio. Eventually, she parked up outside his house, noticing the outside light dimly lit. Relief and anxiety flooded through her.
He was home.
Emily slammed the door shut as she stepped out, making her presence known, and stormed up to his door. She knocked a total of six times, and when he didn't answer, Emily felt the fury build up. "Devon… Open up! I know you're inside."
Footsteps could be heard, and after what seemed like a million years, Devon finally opened the door. A white towel hugged his lower body, revealing his toned abs and chest. He quickly stepped outside, shutting the door gently behind him. Emily looked at him with the oddest expression.
Something seemed off…
"what, you're not going to invite me in?"
The man let out a sigh, brushing the top of his wet brow. "What are you doing here, Emily?"
She quirked an eyebrow, "what am I doing here? I am here because you haven't made an effort to sort our crap out."
"Can't we just… Do this another day? It's like nearly midnight…" He said, slightly chuckling at the insanity of the situation.
"Do this another day my ass… It's already been ten. You think our relationship is a laughingstock now?" His expression immediately soured as Emily shook her head in disbelief. "I don't give a damn whether it's midnight or four in the morning. We're doing this right here and right now." She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts and boy oh boy, where would she begin? "What the hell has gotten into you? I'm sorry if I hit a nerve the other week, but I don't deserve this… SILENT treatment."
Devon crossed his arms and leant up against his front door. Why he still hadn't invited his girlfriend in would baffle Emily for hours to come. "You're right… I've been an absolute dick. And…" For a moment, it looked as though the guy choked on his words, but Emily was still too pissed off with him to care. "Look… I'm not gonna lie. Things have been difficult."
"Yeah, no kidding," the brunette muttered sarcastically, "maybe they wouldn't be if you'd decided to converse and help sort out this mess sooner."
"I needed time, OKAY?"
Emily paced down to the end of the patio asking, "please enlighten me, Devon. Aside from my horrid working hours, what on earth has been bugging you so much you've been ignoring my calls?"
"You wanna know the honest truth? EVERYTHING." She stood there frozen for a moment, her face crumbling into a midst of confusion. "I love you so much Em… But… What we have…" He threw his hands to his side, "for god's sake, we only see each other two days a week! At this stage, how on earth are we supposed to move forward with our relationship?"
"I CAN'T CHANGE MY HOURS DEVON! YOU KNOW THAT!"
"Well sorry that I'm not happy with the arrangement…"
Before Emily made the same mistake she made last fight, she took a moment to catch her breath and regain her train of thought, "look… I get it. Romance with my job is difficult, and if I had the chance to change my hours, I'd take it. But…The truth is, even if I wanted to work in another career, I wouldn't. Because saving people is what I do best."
An awkward silence passed between them, and Emily could feel her nerves jumble up like tangles in a rope. After a while, Devon glanced to the ground with the foulest expression. "So, you don't care about our relationship at all…"
The brunette rolled her eyes, "there are people whose spouses work in the military and don't see them for years at a time. That doesn't mean they GIVE UP on their relationship. Seriously… I think you can survive not seeing me for a few days at a time."
"NO, Emily. I can't." She felt her breath catch, "I came into this relationship, knowing that work would be an issue for us, and for the longest time, I accepted things the way they were. But deep down, I realised… I want someone with a reliable job. I want to go on a date and not have to end it early because of work. I want someone I love to be with me on some of the darkest days and not have any commitment to anything else. SO, NO… I can't continue this the way it is."
All the blood drained from Emily's face, and she had to hold a fence post to not faint in disbelief.
Her worst nightmare was coming true.
"Are we breaking up?" She barely whispered.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded, "I have to tell you something else…"
Emily didn't think her stomach could sink any further, but it did. "Tell me what?" she asked with panicked eyes.
"After our argument… I was so angry, and I…" Emily's shoulders were so tense she could have sworn they were frozen. She shook her head, already having an idea of what she was about to hear.
"No, you didn't Devon…" She whispered with the tears threatening to fall. He closed his eyes, obviously feeling the guilt overwhelming him. "You cheated on me?"
Emily had her answer from Devon's silence, and she couldn't help but let a tear fall down her cheek. It would explain all his behaviour. The secrets, the distancing, the lack of communication. "You've been cheating on me…"
He reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, but she backed away, brushing it off. "I'm sorry, Emily."
The brunette shook her head, angry at herself for not realising it sooner. She was a profiler, was she not? "Sorry isn't good enough…" Tears freely fell down her puffy cheeks. "So, when you told me you were going to the woods… You weren't really in the woods?"
"I did hunt in the forest… Just not for as long as you thought I was."
Before she knew it, Emily's hand harshly contacted his freezing cheek, leaving a now red mark forming. "I truly believed we could fix this. That we would work something out and be happy together… And what do you do? YOU GO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN! Let me guess. She's in there right now, isn't she? That's why you won't invite me inside. It's why you've been standing in front of the door, guarding it for dear life."
Devon simply didn't reply, and no matter how much she screamed and cried in his face, nothing could change the past.
Emily rubbed her temples and closed her eyes, feeling a massive headache pounding. "You know what Devon? What a woman appreciates is a man communicating with her… Not sleeping his way around as a way of dealing with his problems." She turned on her heel, back to her car. But not before saying, "I hope you find the person you're looking for."
The man didn't try to stop her from leaving, nor did he chase after her, begging her to stay. She slipped the key into the ignition and drove away, not bothering to glance in the rear-view mirror at the man who had devastated her.
Only one word described her Monday morning so far…
Nightmarish.
Spilt coffee in the car, late for work, no more 'I love you' texts...
And an emotional toil of heartbreak to go along with it all.
If Emily had learnt to deal with one thing in life… It was pain. Nothing much these days caused her significant grief. Even the devastation that came with the job, Emily managed to compartmentalise everything and push it to the back of her mind. Of course, emotional flare-ups and breakdowns weren't uncommon, but the pain passed relatively quickly with some good company and self-love.
But no matter how much alcohol she drank, and how many pep talks people gave her, it wouldn't help Emily numb the pain.
Her heart fought against itself, attempting to move forward with each beat, but refusing to accept the reality ahead. Joyous memories rotted into toxins, poisoning her dreams, and infiltrating her most sacred places of solace. Eating and sleeping transformed into chores, and her eyes had wept too many tears to count.
The littlest things brought a tear to her eye… Couples driving together in the car. Giggling teenage girls gossiping over the phone. Children playing happily in the park.
Everything was too much to handle.
Emily knew that people would start asking her soon enough if everything was okay. After all, working amongst profilers made it incredibly difficult to lie. She appreciated the concern, but she couldn't bear to talk about what had happened.
Talking only made it seem real.
As she sat at the conference table, her mind drifted off. No longer was she listening to what happened to four teenage girls in Colorado, but reminiscing… Thinking… Aching… Grieving.
"Prentiss?" She immediately snapped out of her trance and whipped her head to the head honcho calling her surname.
"Sir?"
He gave her an odd glance, "any thoughts on this unsub?"
Hotch thought it was peculiar Prentiss hadn't mentioned anything concerning at least victimology. Always, the brunette put her input in, no matter what. Today though, she seemed incredibly distant. Almost like she was in some sort of trance.
"Uh…" She fumbled through her file, "No… I think we've covered everything."
Aaron's gaze lingered on her for a moment longer before slipping his file shut and muttering, "wheels up in 30."
Hotch didn't even have a chance to blink when Prentiss had already made her disappearance from the room known. He desperately wanted to know what was going through her head, but at the same time, there were a million other errands on his to-do list before the flight. Besides, the best thing that he could do at the moment was to give her time. Hopefully, whatever it was would pass because he hated seeing the woman look so lost.
Everybody had vacated the room and went their separate ways besides JJ, who happened to be clearing up the remaining files left on the table. "JJ."
"Hotch?"
"I know it's none of my business, but have you talked to Prentiss? She seemed a little off before." JJ paused momentarily in her tracks, and the hesitation in her body language told Hotch everything he needed to know.
"Uh, yeah. I've talked to her… She's just going through a rough patch at the moment, but I'm sure she'll be fine in a few days."
It partially eased his mind to know Emily had confided in JJ, but that didn't mean he was any less concerned about her. "Okay… I might pair you guys up together for this next case just so you can keep an eye on her. Is that alright?"
The blonde nodded, "I think she would appreciate that."
Previously, Hotch would have paired up with Prentiss when he suspected something was off. But his admiration for her grew with each day, and he'd noticed it had been clouding his personal judgement and affecting his job performance. On the outside, the impacts of his infatuation weren't obvious. Still, Hotch wanted to take a step back before he lost control of his hidden emotions.
Even though he was her boss and would always be there when she needed to talk, he needed to distance himself from her. It meant no more mandatory breaks, no more pairing up as much as possible, and most importantly making sure she could rely on other team members to help her through tough times rather than just himself.
It pained him to have to do it, but ultimately, Hotch hoped it would help reduce the feelings that grew stronger and stronger for the woman each day.
Or perhaps rid them altogether...
Emily breathed a sigh of relief on the jet when Hotch assigned her and JJ to work together on the case. The last thing she felt like doing was explaining her failed relationship to anybody else on the team. And as she sat at the field office in Colorado Springs, going through victimology with JJ, she could feel the emotion eating her up from the inside for the umpteenth time that morning.
"You okay?" The blonde asked as she put down the photographs and squeezed Emily's hand.
Quickly wiping away a tear, Emily nodded and took a moment to refocus her attention on the task at hand, but no matter how hard she tried to concentrate, her mind kept casting to the man who'd broken her heart. "I wish I could press an 'erase all memories' button. I can't even do my job properly without sobbing like a baby."
JJ quickly moved all the files out of Emily's view and smiled sadly. The worst part of it all was JJ had no idea what Emily needed. She desperately wanted to help her friend through this tough time, and the only way she could do that was by simply being there. It didn't seem like it was enough, though.
"Why did I do this to myself? I'm never gonna get into a relationship ever again."
Bobbing her head from side to side with a smirk, JJ responded, "that's not true. Knowing you, you'll find someone else in no time."
"No, JJ. I'm serious. I don't wanna go to another club or hook up or go anywhere near another dude…" Emily closed her eyes for a second, "I can't handle another break-up."
"Well, you don't have to jump back into the dating scene right away. Take a break… Rejuvenate. And you'll know when you're ready to start again." Emily could feel a splitting headache coming along. While she rubbed her head gently to try ridding the pain, JJ fetched her a couple of Advil and a glass of water. What she would do without the blonde, Emily would never know. "Um… Just so you know. Hotch was asking after you before."
The brunette simply sighed into the chair at the mention of Hotch. Nobody needed a profiling degree to know the man already suspected something was up. She knew the look he sent in her direction earlier that morning.
It was his look of concern.
After that, Emily fully expected to pair up with him for the case. But for some reason… He didn't. Not that she was complaining. It was hard enough having to tell JJ about her unfortunate circumstances with Devon, and she was dreading having to explain that to the rest of the team let alone Hotch. For the last couple hours, the brunette had been mentally preparing herself for the team leader to bombard his way in and demand her on a break. Surprisingly- that hadn't happened yet either.
When Emily didn't respond, JJ continued, "I know that you want to keep this secret, but maybe it's best if you tell Hotch or someone else… Penelope even? I just want you to have as much support as possible."
Smiling, Emily reached over and squeezed the blonde's hand. "It's none of their business JJ. But thanks anyway… I appreciate your concern."
"Are you sure? We all care about you Em…" JJ said, thinking about the conversation with Hotch earlier.
"I'm sure." Emily replied sharply while she pulled the files closer to her, "listen… They'll figure it out, eventually. I'm just, not ready if you know what I mean."
JJ nodded, "I do."
A/N: AHHH... So yeah... Emily and Devon are no longer a thing. And I thought it was kinda nice to write some JJ and Emily time. I'll need to write some prompts with Penelope, JJ and Emily altogether. Please review and I'll see you in the next chapter!