Chapter Title "The Weak Hour of the Rooster" by Dover
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!
Rianne hurried into the kitchen in the morning to make her and Jay some coffee-to-go and grab two granola bars or something equally simple.
Due to their night-time activities they were a little late and had to get going quickly. She was giving Ja a ride to the station as it was his first day back, even if he was supposed to just sit at his desk for the time being. He'd been excited about it, because this meant things were moving along.
The sun was already up and sending rays of light through the loft, it promised to be a 'bright sunshiny day' and it made her smile and whistle to herself.
When Rianne crossed the rest of the room and faced the kitchen area, she stopped in her tracks and shrieked in shock:
"What the actual fuck…" Rianne let out, clutching her chest.
Her heart was pumping like mad, all her limbs tingling.
Nate was sitting there on his usual barstool, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, like a ghost that had appeared out of nowhere.
"What's going on?" Jay skittered to a halt next to her, alarmed by her scream, just short of drawing his gun (that he had just strapped on minutes earlier in a very important manner accompanied by Rianne's teasing in the bedroom) on the intruder.
When he noticed who was sitting there in front of them, his expression changed from worried and alarmed to angry and pissed off:
"What's he doing here?" he muttered under his breath, just earning a shrug from Rianne and a wide smile from Nate, when he turned his head to them:
"Oh good morning! You two look a little rough… didn't get much sleep last night, did you?" He didn't look fazed at all, more like this was happening every morning.
Like he was used to this constellation day in and out.
Was this maybe a bad dream? How could he just waltz back in here unannounced? Rianne was so shocked that she didn't even think about the last part of his question, hinting to something he had clearly witnessed.
"What are you doing here?" She couldn't think of a more witty response, still feeling frozen inside, her mind going into overdrive.
"Last time I checked I lived here and paid rent. Seems we got a new roommate now, do we?" he said winking at Jay, who let out a loud huff beside her.
"Coffee's already done!" Nate added in a nonchalant and unexcited way motioning at the coffee-pot on the counter.
"You can't be serious? You just walk in here after that cryptic letter, after three weeks of being incommunicado, after moving half of your stuff out without so much as a single word in advance?"
Now with the anger at his demeanor slowly boiling up Rianne found her voice again. As she already knew, Nate hated confrontations, but this really beat everything.
What was he thinking? He couldn't just act like nothing had happened.
"Didn't think it was necessary. My bad! I can see you used the time of my absence to replace me, so … good for you I guess!" Nate threw a meaningful and arrogant look in Jay's direction, making him etch even closer to Rianne in a protective way, putting a warm hand in the small of her back.
She was poleaxed, but determined not to let him get to her. Obviously he had gone a little insane during his retreat and this was not the right time to have a conversation with him:
"I can't do this right now, I have to go to work. We should talk tonight, though. Jay, you coming? I think we'll better get some coffee on the way…"
Rianne already felt bad that their morning didn't go so smoothly and turned her back to Nate and to Jay with an apologetic look.
"Oh yeah, can I get a ride with you? I have to get going too," Nate fluted and got up from his chair.
What the hell was he playing at? Rianne didn't even bother to turn around again to give him an answer.
"I don't think so dude!" Jay raised one of his eyebrows in disbelief, sneering back at Nate.
Rianne felt his body stiffen and saw his fist clenching, he was just short of letting all that anger he was harboring on her behalf boil over. She grabbed his hand and threw him a pleading look:
"Jay, don't! Let's just go."
"Alright, whatever, tough guy. I'll ride by myself then. See you all tonight!"
Nate put his arms up in the air, declaring defeat and smirking.
Jay put his arm around Rianne's shoulder and went to grab his jacket with her, keeping an eye on Nate the whole time. He called after them in amusement:
"You were absolutely right about him Rianne: He's still got that stick up his ass!"
Without commenting on that Rianne took her backpack and hurried out the door. Instead of pressing for the elevator to come up her and Jay went for the stairs. She felt she needed to turn that shock into physical exhaustion and Jay didn't complain either.
In the car Rianne didn't know what to say concerning the run in they'd just had, her head seriously spinning.
She had been prepared for another while of radio-silence, or an open confrontation and a real talk that wasn't just sprung on her, maybe some civil arrangement on how to move forward concerning their living situation, but not this.
Jay on the other hand was openly seething, already kicking into action:
"I'll call Will and see if we can reschedule our meet tonight. I don't want you to go back in there alone."
The brothers had a suit fitting scheduled. Not only did Rianne think it was important Jay went to accompany Will, she also didn't need a bodyguard to have a conversation with her (maybe former) roommate and (also maybe former) best friend.
"Jay, it's okay. I'll handle this…"
"No, I'm doing this with you!"
Rianne didn't like the testosterone vibes he was giving out. Trying to stay calm though, not wanting to start a fight with him, she put her hand in his neck at the next red light, squeezing it gently and let her eyes rest on his tense features for a minute:
"Let me rephrase this and please note that I say this with love: I don't want you to come with me! I need to do this alone. Please just trust me on this!"
Jay coming with her was destined to end in a stand-off that would lead nowhere. This was between her and Nate after all. She could tell that Jay didn't like it at all, but he just grunted and didn't argue with her any more. He kept looking out of the window for the rest of the ride and Rianne didn't know what else to say about this without sounding defensive, so she kept her mouth shut too.
"Are you ready for this?" She did ask though when they had reached the 21st.
"I am so ready for desk-duty…yay!" Obviously Jay's heart wasn't fully into it.
He seemed to still be deep in thought about this morning, not jumping out of the car like she had expected him to be doing.
"Have a great day protecting that desk the best you can! And Jay?"
"Yeah?"
When he turned his face to her she cringed at the traces of hurt and insecurity there. She didn't like it but she wasn't sure she could make is disappear just now.
"Don't be mad okay? I love you and I'll see you tonight!"
Where ever and whenever, she was not doubting she would be seeing him and hoped he believed this as well.
"Are you sure you want to confront him alone?" Stella sounded just as worried as Jay had been this morning.
Maybe not quite this aggravated but still. Rianne didn't really understand what her friends thought Nate would do to her. She'd been on the phone with her on her way back from the office.
"I just wanna talk to him about how we're going to handle this living situation, as I don't see this thing between him and Jay working out. Apart from that I really want to know what he's been thinking about for the last three weeks. If he's been thinking about anything at all…"
"Just be careful hon! From the looks of it he's not doing so well with your new beau. Throw in that Ruzek temper and his loyalty to Andrea it makes for an unpredictable combination…"
Promising to call her with the latest after the talk and be careful, Rianne hung up and wouldn't let herself get worried about this so much. Surely there was still a way to handle it and clear the air?
Waiting on Nate to come home late in the afternoon Rianne had actually fallen asleep on the couch after a pretty hectic and busy work-schedule. She found this happened to her sometimes when she was extremely wired about something: She fell asleep, like a defense or deflection mechanism of her body. As if things would solve themselves on their own while she was out cold.
Not this one though! On the contrary. She woke up to someone stroking her hair and face:
"Hey, I'm home, Ri!"
Feeling instantly alarmed she shot up to find Nate hunched over her. What the hell?
Rianne got up from the couch, creating some distance between them. Normally she wouldn't have flinched away from him like that, their friendship had always been a close one, including physical contact. But a lot had gone down in the past weeks and after everything Rianne was positive that some things were about to change. They had already, even if he kept on pretending they hadn't.
Trying to think of where to start as Nate obviously wasn't going to, she took a look around the room that had looked different before her little nap.
"What's this?" she asked baffled, taking in the boxes scattering the hallway. When had he put them there?
"I'm moving my stuff back in. Isn't this what you wanted?"
"Just like that? No talk, no explanation as to where you have been, what you have been up to for the last weeks? Why bother to move the stuff out of here in the first place?" She wasn't following and he still wasn't giving her the answers she wanted.
Where had he been staying after all when he'd gotten back to work last week? Rianne had checked with Adam, he hadn't known about this.
"You wrote this could be a way for us both to figure out which way we wanted to go. So, I'm curious to hear what you decided concerning that matter? I didn't ask you to move back in, because I didn't ask you to move out. At least I haven't yet…" She was pacing the room, getting agitated at his unruffled and composed way to just sit on that couch and keep looking at her.
"You don't look so good by the way… I thought you were taking care of yourself, getting things figured out? What have you been doing instead?"
He had lost a few pounds, his face scruffy and that beard not so neatly trimmed like it usually was. When close to she had noticed he smelled of cigarettes. He had quit that habit years ago together with her.
"Drinking, mostly… but I did figure things out: I don't want you to be with that cop!"
"That's your big revelation after three weeks of hiding away somewhere?"
"Yes, plain and simple! I want things to get back to the way they were before and for us both to move on together…"
He was still just sitting there, outwardly calm. The only thing giving him away were his knees he couldn't keep still and his hands that were fidgeting around. Rianne stopped her pacing:
"But why? Why can't you just be happy for me?"
She couldn't believe he was really saying this. A sadness spread her wings inside of her, a sadness at the realization that this was the end of something. There was no easy solution to this.
"Because he's got nothing on Andrea. Just tell me what it is about him that makes you so blind to see that he's just not good for you! You're not that solid house-wife and arm-candy he is probably looking for! He's going to slow you down, you're a free spirit!"
His words made Rianne so angry that she started to shout at him. He didn't even want to see what Jay really meant to her:
"You don't know Jay - he's not like that at all! And I love him! I really do! It took me by surprise, but I made my peace with it and I am happy I did! Andrea wouldn't have wanted me to lead a lonely widows-life for the next 40 / 50 years."
"No, but he would have wanted us to be together Rianne. You were never lonely!" To emphasize his words he got up from where he had been sitting until now and crossed the room to grab her arms.
"Are you out of your mind? Are you drunk right now?"
There was no way Nate could really mean that. Rianne tried to back away from him. He was scaring her suddenly, she was not familiar with the foreign look in his eyes.
"No, I'm fucking serious: You and me, we just belong together!" Normally he caught on to her body language, but now he wouldn't let her go.
"Nate, no! And you're wrong: I was lonely. I'm sorry, but we're just not that way! I love you, but not the way I love Jay, not the way I loved Andrea. And as grateful as I am for you, for you looking after me: We're not supposed to be anything more than friends, even if you're willing it to be different. I can't even believe you want that, I think you're afraid that things are going to change between us! You probably don't wanna hear this, but Jay didn't need to try at all! He filled a hole inside of me that I didn't even know was there. I absolutely didn't realize how lonely I was before him. Maybe you couldn't see it from the outside, but inside there was something missing and it wasn't just losing Andrea. It was something that was missing even before him…"
"But Andrea was the best! You loved him so much. He was in awe of you, he worshipped you…. so am I… and I am still here! You promised him!" Nate's voice was breaking and he was openly crying right now, throwing himself into her arms.
Perplexed she grabbed his shoulders. Torn between her heart going out to him because he was obviously still in so much pain over everything that had happened, and anger because she felt he didn't want to hear what she had to say at all. He wasn't ready to see things from her perspective, see that she had changed. Not to spite him, but because life just was that way.
His body was getting heavier in her arms and there was an alarm-bell ringing inside her that told her she had to get some distance between them again. Rianne had never felt threatened by Nate before and didn't get what Jay and Stella had tried to tell her, but right now she felt like she didn't know anything about him and how he would react next. It creeped her out, suddenly wishing she had brought back-up after all. Maybe still not Jay, because she had a suspicion that Nate would be lying on the floor by now, punched in the face or worse.
"Nate, let me go!" She tried to get him to get out of their embrace.
Rianne felt silent tears were also streaming down her face now.
"Ri, we were always so good together, can't you see that? I've been in love with you for forever and I know you can't feel nothing for me!" To her bafflement Nate's hands began to wander down her spine, this was slowly turning into more than a comforting embrace she felt, trying to push him away from her with more force now.
"Nate,… please let me go!" He wouldn't, his arms around her waist tightening like metal chains.
His face inched closer to hers, his breath hot on her lips when he spoke. Her heartbeat accelerated, body slowly inching into a panic-mode.
"So you're disgusted by me now? After everything I did? I can remember times when you liked cuddling up with me… I can vividly remember one other time…" He pressed his mouth to hers so fast that she was completely blindsided by it and like he had said:
Yes, she was disgusted. And disappointed. The one who had kept her safe for as long as she could think of suddenly ignored her boundaries and forced himself on her to prove a point. She couldn't let him do this! When shoving at his chest didn't make him break contact, just made him grab her tighter, she bit down hard on bis lip until he flinched away, freeing her.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?"
She had drawn actual blood in her fear he would keep holding on, slowly suffocating her.
Rianne brought the sofa between them, her chest heaving in emotional upheaval. Thankfully he didn't try to get to her physically again. But the look he was giving her felt like a cold fist was grabbing her heart and crushing it tight between it.
Nate's face was an evil mask, hateful, hurt, not the face of the man she'd known for over a decade. His words directed at her were more of a derisive curse, while he wiped the blood from off the corner of his mouth:
"He might make you come and scream for the time being, but I know that it's not gonna last. You will get so bored with him soon, I just know it. He can't take care of you. He's a wreck! He already made you break down with a PTSD-episode I heard. You should get away from him as fast as you can!"
He paused, pinning her to the wall with his piercing eyes, regaining his cooler composure:
"I decided to wait this out, think this is just a phase. Andrea's family thinks so too by the way."
"What's Andrea's family got to do with anything? What have you told them?"
Rianne didn't like how her voice suddenly sounded. Like her older brother was threatening to tell her parents she had done something unspeakable.
"Just kidding, I haven't told them anything. Just wanted to see your reaction…"
Nate went to get himself a tissue for his still bleeding lip, seeming satisfied with the outcome of this little play of his.
"You're unbelievable!" She breathed, couldn't even scream at him anymore.
What the hell had happened to her best friend? To the kind and caring, funny man she had spent her college and young adult years with? She didn't know this mean, oppressing and condescending side of him at all.
"But see? How can you be with him, if you can't even tell your family?" His words stung.
Those were certainly thoughts she had found her mind wondering about too sometimes, but had always found enough reasons why what she was doing was okay. Rianne decided not to engage any further. It was useless, he would find even more ways to hurt her and not clear up anything between them at the same time.
"I'm calling Adam now. You're out of your mind!"
"Oh, not your protective detail? Detective Asshat?" Nate sneered at her and the expression on his face made her face crawl.
It was like she was talking to another person. Nate had never been so contemptuous and hostile towards her.
Rianne chose to not react to that either and turned on her heel, almost suspecting him to follow her, but he didn't. For the first time ever she locked her bedroom door behind her and called Adam. She only reached his voicemail, but hoped her would listen to it soon:
"Hey Adam, I know you've got a lot on your plate, but I need you to come to the loft asap. Maybe even bring Kevin. Nate's gone completely wacky!"
She couldn't even tell what she wanted him to do, but she wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and to make sure Nate would not stop her. Maybe his cousin could talk some sense into him as well?
Then she went to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on her face to not break down because of this.
A look at all of Jay's things still scattered on the shelves was a bitter reminder of the atmosphere she had let herself fall into for the last week and a half. He should have been able to come back here after his first day at work, tell her about it and just be here with her.
Nate was disturbing their peace. Not necessarily by coming back. There could have been a solution to this, hell he even could have tried to be happy for her and get along with Jay instead of making such a mess. Maybe it had been naive to not think about this beforehand.
The only thing helping her right now was her ability to switch to rationality instead of going down that very emotional spiral Nate had tried to push her into.
She hoped she could fight it.