A/N - due to the holidays, I will be taking a short break in updating so Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and Happy New Year to all! And remember to swing by on Sunday to check out the Holiday Fest stories!
A/N2 - TW for discussion of attempted suicide.
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Chapter 14 - Lessons of the Past
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"So," Alisha demanded, lifting a slice of pizza to her lips, "how's dating life?"
Kara couldn't stop a grin. "It's good. We're going out again tonight."
"That will be what, date four? And still no sexy time?" Alisha asked, eyebrows waggling.
xxxxx
Danny pulled into the driveway of Kara's house and they both sat, silently. Kara turned to look at him, biting on her bottom lip. "You're welcome to come in..."
"If I were anyone else, would you ask?" he replied, with a knowing smile.
Kara chuckled, cheered by the realization of how well Danny knew her - even if she was frustrated as hell. "Probably not."
"Then the answer is no," Danny replied. He reached up to rub at his chin before shooting her a mischievous smile. "Although it's been a long time since I made out in the front seat of a car."
With that he turned towards Kara, catching her face in his hand and brushing his lips against hers. Kara sighed, leaning forward, her lips parting. He took immediate advantage, tongue brushing hers, his free hand reaching out to tug her closer along the seat. Kara moved willingly, arms reaching up to encircle him, only to find the pocket of her cute new maroon capris were stuck on the seatbelt. Pulling away with a huff, Kara broke the kiss, quickly untangled herself. Once free, she glanced up to find Danny watching her, waiting, apparently, for her to make the next move.
Making a snap decision, Kara swung her leg over his lap so that she was wedged between him and the steering wheel. "Any chance this seat moves back?"
Danny chuckled, leaning forward to nibble her lips while he played with the levers. "I think I can manage that."
As the seat reclined, Kara wondered what her neighbors would think about staid and respectable Captain Kara Foster getting frisky in the front seat of some guy's truck. She giggled.
"Planning to let me in on the joke?" Danny asked, hand sliding through her hair as his mouth moved to the sensitive spot behind her ear.
Kara was breathless, sinking down against his chest, already a puddle of goo. The slow, languid kisses doing crazy things to her stomach, as well as other parts of her anatomy. "How much do you want to bet that Carlton hears about this and gives us both shit?"
Danny kissed his way along her jaw until he reached her mouth. A breath away he paused, then grinned. "Totally worth it."
xxxxx
Kara took another bite of her pizza as she considered Alisha's question. "Danny was right. We've always fallen back on sex to avoid dealing with things. Taking a break is good but..."
"That hard?" Alisha asked, sympathetically. "I heard from Carlton that he stumbled into a rather steamy PDA session."
"Hardly public. He was the one who thought it would be a good idea to come to my house to find out whether Danny's truck was there," Kara retorted, before relenting. "But oh my god, yes. It's like being back on the Nathan James."
"Well, only two more sex-less dates to go," Alisha said, far too cheerfully. "Does Danny know?"
"Know what?"
"That date six is sex night," Alisha elaborated.
"Of course not," Kara replied. "It's not a rule."
"Um-huh." Alisha gave Kara the look. The one that told Kara she wasn't fooling anyone. "So, when was the last time that you had sex before date six? Other than Danny in Brazil. Oh, and in the Arctic. And St. Louis... Did you hook up in Rota too?"
Kara glowered, ignoring the last question. "I don't always have sex on the sixth date either. Sometimes I wait."
"True." Alisha nodded. "But that's always a sign. If there's no nookie on date six, there's not going to be any nookie. Admit it Kara, you are a woman of routine."
"There are times when I hate you," Kara muttered.
Alisha just smirked. "So where is Danny taking you tonight?"
"I don't know," Kara admitted, happy to change the conversation. "He won't tell me."
Alisha raised an eyebrow. "And you agreed to that? You hate surprises. Remember when Carlton thought that a surprise thirtieth birthday party was a good idea?"
"Ugh," Kara actually shivered. "Thank goodness you tipped me off. Otherwise I probably would have shot someone when I walked into the house and you all jumped out from behind the couch."
"I blame Debbie for encouraging him," Alisha said, sighing. "Anyway, back to Danny. He really didn't tell you?"
"Nope. But I texted him asking him what I should wear. Hopefully that gives me a hint," Kara replied.
Pulling out her phone, she checked for a response but once again, nothing. That was unusual since Danny tended to have his phone on him all the time unless he was working. Still, there was really no reason to worry. There were a hundred reasons why Danny hadn't answered her text of, Kara checked her watch, three hours ago. Including that he was breaking up with her, ghosting her, deploying without warning, kidnapped, dying, dead...
"What did he say?" Alisha asked, voice teasing.
"He hasn't responded." Kara fiddled with her phone for a moment before typing out a quick text. There were times when she missed being on the Nathan James. Back when she knew where Danny was almost every second of every day. Or, at least, knew why he wasn't responding.
You alive?
The answer was almost immediate.
Just leaving the gym. No dress code tonight.
Then, a moment later, another message.
Although probably not heels.
Kara felt her shoulders relax, glancing up to see Alisha watching her closely. "He was at the gym."
"It's okay to worry about him," Alisha bit her lip, hesitating, and Kara braced herself. "I know that you and Danny are taking the idea of starting over very seriously. And I'm glad that you're having fun. But that doesn't mean you ignore the past, Kara. He hurt you before."
"I broke up with him," Kara interjected, halfheartedly, knowing that Alisha wouldn't care.
"Tomayto, tomahto." Alisha shrugged. "So you hurt him too. Point is, that if you want things to work this time, you need to tell him what you need out of a relationship. And, yes, there are going to be times when Danny can't tell you where he is or what he is doing. But he should know how important it is to you that he keeps you in the loop."
Kara fiddled with her phone, then set it aside and reached for her pizza. "I'll talk to him."
Alisha rolled her eyes. "Fine. Do whatever you want. But I'm telling you. Ignoring this stuff is only going to come back to bite you in the ass."
xxxxx
"Are you going to tell me where we are going?" Kara asked as she climbed into Danny's truck several hours later.
Danny chuckled. "You never did like surprises."
He closed her door, cutting off conversation while he walked around the truck. Kara crossed her arms, mock scowling at him as he sat down in the driver's seat. "So?"
"So I thought we could do some target practice," Danny replied. Kara opened her mouth to respond, only to quickly shut it, feeling rather disappointed. She went to the range regularly with the guys. Tonight she was hoping for something a little more special. Something more girlfriend than friend. Danny glanced sideways. "You're kind of quiet."
"Just thinking that I wore the wrong shoes," Kara said quickly, forcing a smile.
"I'm going to have to disagree with you there," Danny replied, and the memory of how his eyes slid over her when she opened the door, not bothering to hide his appreciation for the casual green sundress and gold gladiator sandals that she was wearing, buoying Kara's mood. So maybe the shooting range wasn't exactly her idea of the perfect date but so what? It wasn't as if Danny picked something that she hated. Was she really going to make a big deal over such a little detail?
As the truck slowed and then hung a right, Kara glanced around in confusion. Rather than heading towards the base or even the shooting range next to the supermarket where Kara had spent a fair number of afternoons with Carlton and Rick, Danny was heading in the direction of a private lake surrounded by small camps. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
She thought that she heard a note of amusement in his voice. She narrowed her eyes. "You did promise me food, you know."
Danny clucked his tongue, reaching behind the seat to pick up a lined bag and passing it to her. Peeking inside, Kara could see that it was filled with boxes from their favorite Chinese restaurant. "You really need to stop being so suspicious, Kara. It's not like I'm going to let you starve or dump you by the side of the road or something."
They both froze, the words hanging between them. Danny was the first to speak. "Shit, I'm sorry. That came out wrong."
Kara stared out the window, blinking away tears. Alisha's words from earlier burning in her mind, her advice about not ignoring the past. Alisha had been talking about Danny, of course, but those weren't Kara's only wounds. There were others, deeper than any that Danny might have inflicted. Because by the time that Kara met Danny, she had known better than to completely trust anyone.
Kara took a deep breath. "When I was little, Debbie would tell me that she had a surprise for me. I would get all excited, thinking that we were going to Disney World or getting a pony. And then she would introduce me to her new boyfriend, or I would find out that we were moving - again. I was six and my best friend's cat had kittens and I had been begging for one. It was right before Christmas and Debbie kept talking about how awesome my gift was and how much I was going to love it. I was so sure that Santa was going to bring me a kitten..."
xxxxx
Six-year-old Kara bounced out of bed, shivering at the chill in the air. Still, she could see the light shining through the window. That meant it was morning! Christmas morning! She was going to get her kitten!
Hurrying down the stairs, Kara was disappointed to see that the Christmas tree was dark, no presents underneath. She felt a moment of panic. Mommy had said that Santa wouldn't come unless she was a good girl. Had Santa put her on the naughty list?
And then she realized - you couldn't put a kitten under the tree! The kitten might get hurt or hungry or lonely. Santa would have known that. He must have left the kitten with Mommy.
Relieved, Kara slipped back upstairs. She glanced towards Mommy's door, which was closed. Mommy must still be asleep. Kara was disappointed but she knew that Mommy hated to be woken up so she crawled back into her bed, picking up the book on kittens that Jennifer had given her on the last day of school before winter break. Kara had been sad that she didn't have anything to give Jennifer, but Jennifer's mommy said that was okay because she had two of the kitten books and one was for Kara and one was for Jennifer so they could read them together.
Jennifer's kitten was gray with a black nose. Kara was hoping for a kitten just like Fluffy. Or maybe a white kitten she could name Snowball. As the sun rose higher and higher, Kara started wiggling. When would Mommy wake up?
She climbed out of bed again, tip-toeing down the hall and listening at Mommy's door. Glancing at the grandfather clock at the end of the hall, Kara tried to figure out what time it was but she couldn't remember whether she was supposed to look at the big hand or the little hand first. She thought it was the little hand and that was at the ten so Mommy should be awake by now. Kara cracked the door open, just to see if Mommy was awake, but instead of being asleep in bed, Mommy was lying on the floor.
"Mommy!"
Throwing open the door, Kara raced across the floor, almost slipping in a puddle of liquid that was all over the floor. Had the toilet overflowed? But then, why were her socks red? Kara leaned over Mommy but she didn't respond when Kara shook her, the way she sometimes had to do when Mommy got sick and threw up. Backing up, Kara raced downstairs to the telephone, calling Papa Paul. He would know what to do.
Later, once the ambulance and the police officers left and Kara was dressed in new clothes, Kara crawled up next to Papa Paul on the couch with her kitten book held tightly in her hands. Papa Paul coughed really loudly when she sat on his lap so she made sure to leave some space between them, leaning her head on his shoulder. She looked at the Christmas tree again. Papa Paul must have turned on the lights, but there were still no presents. "Santa isn't real, is he?"
Papa Paul looked at Kara and she almost thought that he had been crying. But that was silly. Papa Paul didn't cry. "No, Kara, he's not."
Kara looked down at her book again. "And Mommy didn't get me a kitten."
"No, Kara. But I talked to Mrs. Corum," that was Jennifer's mom and Kara brightened at the reminder of her friend, "and she said that we can pick out one of the kittens to keep at my house."
Kara frowned. She wanted the kitten to live with her. But what if Mommy got sick again and the kitten got scared? Papa Paul was right. Kara had to take care of her kitten. After all, that's what kitten mommies did. It would be better if the kitten stayed at Papa's house. "Okay Papa."
Papa Paul didn't answer and Kara opened up her book. Papa Paul was like that sometimes. Really quiet. Mrs. Corum said it was because he was grieving. Kara didn't know what that meant but she didn't ask. Grownups didn't like it when you asked questions like that. But Kara couldn't stop herself from asking one more question. "Papa, what will happen to my kitten if you die? I don't think that I can take care of her myself. Not yet. Maybe when I'm ten."
This time Kara knew that Papa was crying and she carefully scooted over to give him a big hug. "I don't know, honey. I don't know."
xxxxx
"I take it that you didn't get a kitten?" Danny asked softly.
"No, I didn't." Kara took a deep breath. "Debbie got drunk and ... slit her wrists. I found her on Christmas morning."
Just getting the words out hurt. Danny knew about Debbie's drinking, of course, but he had never experienced it. Never seen what Debbie was like when she drank, turning into a different person. Now that she thought about it, Kara wasn't sure that she had ever told anyone about Debbie's suicide attempt. Jennifer knew by virtue of having lived through it but Jennifer and Danny had never met. Hell, Kara hadn't seen her childhood friend in years, not since her trip to Kansas almost five years ago. Looking to see what - and who - remained.
"God, Kara." The horror in his voice was almost worse than the words.
She was suddenly glad that they were driving, and she could stare out the window. Seeing his face right now would be ... too much. "Paul, my grandfather, had emphysema. Of course, I didn't understand what that meant then. But he was dying. Debbie couldn't handle it. Losing her husband and then her father. Saddled with a small child to take care of."
"Was that the only time..." Danny trailed off, as though uncertain of what, if anything, to say.
"As far as I know," Kara answered, picking at her nails. "I think it scared Debbie, honestly. She got some help. It just wasn't enough to stop the drinking."
Danny hooked a left, pulling into the driveway of a small cabin. He put the truck into park and just sat there. Kara glanced over. "Is this the part where you need me to go ask for directions?"
Kara expected a smile or a joke or...something. But instead Danny turned, reaching out a hand to brush a strand of hair off her face. "I'm sorry about what you went through. And I'm sorry that I never asked about your childhood. I had no idea that things were so bad."
She blinked. "Danny, I don't talk about this with anyone. Not even Alisha. Although I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Val knows. I'm pretty sure that she has jackets on all of us, just because."
That drew a small smile. "I guess that explains why you don't like surprises."
"Yeah."
Danny bit down on his lip, as though he was uncertain, before he spoke again. "Is that why there is so much tension between you and Debbie? Because of your childhood? Because of the drinking?"
Kara shouldn't have been surprised, wasn't surprised if she was honest, that Danny had picked up on some of her dynamic with Debbie. Carlton was oblivious, of course, but Alisha was well aware of the strain.
"It's more..." she paused. How could she explain something that she didn't understand herself? "The Debbie that you know - that everyone knows - she isn't the one that I grew up with. Most of the time she doesn't really feel like my mother at all. I mean, she is. But kind of like a second mother who I didn't meet until that day in Norfolk." Kara sighed, shaking her head. "I doubt any of that makes sense."
"Actually it does," Danny replied. "I've talked to Tex a lot about stuff with Kat. He struggles with it, knowing that he missed a lot of time that he'll never get back, and how it changed his relationship with her. He says that she treats him the same way that she treats Andrea. More like a guardian than a parent."
"I can see that," Kara said slowly. True, Debbie hadn't physically left for years the way that Tex had, but she had been busy fighting her own demons and there hadn't always been time left for Kara. "It's like she has this whole other life with Peter and her job. Now she's busy planning a wedding. I don't always feel like I fit."
"That's fair," Danny acknowledged. "Have you ever talked to her about it?"
"God, no. Debbie and I never discuss anything the least bit controversial," Kara blurted, only to sigh. "She tried once. Back in St. Louis. I wasn't ready. And Peter has suggested that we talk about ... things. I just don't know if I can."
Danny studied her. "Well, if you ever want to talk, I'm here. You know that, right?"
"I know." Feeling slightly uncomfortable, Kara gestured towards the camp in front of them. "Why are we here anyway?"
Apparently recognizing that Kara was done with the discussion, Danny didn't protest the change of topic. "A buddy owns this camp and boat. He's stationed in Europe but gave me free reign. I thought a sunset boat ride would be nice. If the bugs get bad, we can eat inside the cabin."
Actually, that did sound nice, the Florida heat having finally become more manageable. That said. "So no shooting range?"
Danny glanced sideways and this time she saw a real smile. "You nicknamed the Nathan James' armory after the guy you dumped immediately after he took you to the range for a date. Once they found out, Sasha and Azima must have spent an hour mocking him. I have since been informed that no woman wants to go on a date that involves a physical competition unless said competition involves sex and that doing so is a sure sign of lack of imagination. But you should have seen your face when I said where we were going..."
Kara yanked open the door to the truck and stepped down, leaving Danny to manage the food and supplies himself. Still, as she started down the path down to the lake, she found herself smiling. She didn't remember seeing this playful side of Danny since the Arctic.
Maybe she didn't hate all surprises, after all.