The meeting had been exhausting. But it had needed to be done. There had been some debate on some details. They just couldn't know everytjing for certain. Unless they asked. And in Archie's mostly professional oppinion he said that trying to urge Alice to talk about it too much could easily backfire and make her close off even more. And that wasn't a risk they could afford to take. She was just barely able to function some days and needed a very specific type of help.
Everyone ekse had left but Zelena had decided ro scedule a theroay session with Archie. She was still feeling guilty and dejected about how much pain Alice had gone through.
"She doesn't even look me in the eye," Zelena started. She would look at Zelena at leaat but then she'd dart her eyes away quickly and stare at the wall or Zelena's hands and the fear she had was so obvious it could be felt in the air.
"She's scared. It's going to take a while before she isn't."
"It just feels like she'll never stop being afraid of everything."
In all honesty, that was a possibility. But she could get better. "She probably won't stop being afraid of some things. But she'll get better and less afraid. She's trying. We know she's trying to do what shw thinks you want her to do. We just have to bw really patient and very gentle ablut it. We didn't think she'd ever move from one spot in ykur house but she's doing that. And she's drinking. Not oerfectly but she's doing it. Just takes time.:"
Archie's words provided plenty of confort and Zelena headed back to the house.
Alice and henry had moved at some point and were in the kitchen. Alice was eating a cookie. Oh. Hnry must've bakeded.
"How was your day?"
Alice nodded her head, slightly acknlwledging Zelena's presence but didn't know how to respond to the question. And wasn't certain who Zelena was talking to. She kept quiet, hoping it wouldn'f anger Zelena but otherwise ignored her.
Zelena noticed that Alice made no effort to akswer the queation. She was getting better at willingly ignoring people. It was better than her being afraid to breathe in the same room as zelena without apologinzing for it.
"We had fun," Henry told her. "I baked cookies."
Henry had tried to get Alice to help since she seemed to like cooking but she hadn't been willing to do that without Zelena.
Zelena came and sat doen across from alkce.
"Glad you had fun."
Alice stared at her. Ok. Can I go to my room now?
Alice glanced at the bumber od people around her. And thiugbt for a moment. Just ask luna. It's okay. Remember? Alice flinched bur asked luna if she could go to her room and did.
Henry sat where she'd been sitting.
"Did it acruallt go well?" Zelena asked. Ready for the news that Alice hadn't been able to handle something. That she'd spent the day despratlet trying to adjust somethibg that henry had no way of knlwing he wasn't doing in a way that she liked but not having any way to explain that she was unconfortable. It happened farily often. She'd panick and try to tolerate things but it seemed she jjst couldn't. It waan't her fault. Everything around her was a changing thing. Kn her mind she'd lost everything she'd ever known. Archie said she probably missed it sometimes. Zelena wished she could make her feel better but she couldn't. She wanted something that she didn't ubderstand hadn't been good for her.
"Yeah. She did great. Played board games and shw watched me bake. Barely spoke or did much lf anything outside lf that but got through pretty well."
Rlbin renetered the house as henry was leaving.
"Rough nkghr?" Zelena asked as Rovin was outting her stuff away, clearlt in a bad mood.
"A bit. This guy would nlt stop hittong on me. But handled it."
Alkce titlted jer head. Robin seemed alice didn't remeber the word. But she knew the feeling. Being hit hurt. It really hurt. She knew hoe to handle it. Did Robin have a way she handled it? She'd never seen Zelena hurt her. But that didn't mean it didn't happen before she'd met Robin. But Robin didn't deserve it. At least in Alice's mind that made sense.
Robin went to greet Alice but tried to seem as unthreatening as possible. Alice was always in a cautious state, worried that at any moment someone would hurt her.
Alice didn't want Robin to be hurt. But it had already happened. She wanted her to feel better. She was used to conforting herself with whatever haooened to be closest to her. Maybe Robin wanted the same thing? Alice didn't really know what else to do but tried anyway.
Alice reached one lf rhe blankets to robin.
"Thank-you. But what's this for?" Robin asked as she was sitting down. Alice liked the blankets and had nonreason to want it anywhere else.
Alice just wanfed Robin to feel better. She understood what pain felt like. And she didn't like sesing people hurt. She didn't fully give herself the same benefit.
"Feelbetter."
"I feel fine, but okay."
Alice shook her head. "Hurt?"
"I'm nof going to judt you." Robin knew Alice struggled the mlst when she tried to talk to people or do something that in her mind she wasn't certsin she was allowed to do. But she was trying. And it seemed like she was trying to do something speicific. Even if what she was trying to acheive wasn't clear.
Alice shook her head. No. Robin was hurt. "You'rehurt."
"I'm not hurt. But thank you." Was Alice trying to comfort her? That was nice.
Alice titlted her head. "Hit." Robin had said dhe was hit. Alice understood that. She knew what that felt like. She just wanted to help make sure Robin didn't feel as alone as she always had. Robin had made her feel better. She'd made the pain just a little mlre bearbale. She was trying to help. Why wasn't she letting her?
Robin tjough for a minjte. Oh she'd jesrd her when she came in. It was a reasoable misunderstanding but it was sad to know Alice had assund the worst. But she was trying to cofnort her.
"It hurts. It's okay. It'll stop before youbstsrt bkeeding." Robin blinked. Alice jad just offered up mlre informstion on her own. A gentle nudge in the direction of answering the smallest question might get them an answer about something.
"Why?"
"Can'thurttoomuchor mother woild be stuck in the tower." Alice pulled into herself a bit more after this sentence. She didn't think there was anything wrong with the fact she was hurt hut she felt guility that she'd never managed to be good enough to avoid it.
That's what the blood magic jad been for. Her mother had used her for her freedom and then had had the aidacity to hurt her for doing anything she hadn't liked.
"Well i lromkse i'm okay. No one hurt me. And no one's going to hurt you." Robin tried to send that reminder into aloce's brain hoping maybe sje'd get it.
She went ro hand alice her balnekt back but aloce wouldn't take it back.
"Soft. Good. Goaway."
Alright.
Robin went into the kitchwn with the piece of fabric in tow not rrqlly sure what to do with it.
"Why do you have that?"
"Alice kvsrheard me say a guy hit on me and thought i was hurt and told me to take it. And she sakd the tower kept her peisoner so her mother wouodn't be stuck there. She didn't say it thqt well but yeah."
Zelena hated this wktch with a passion. But alice was talking about what went on in the tower. Even kf only a loftle..so that was progress. And she did have some kind of emotion beyond fear. That she was showing. She was trying to make sure Robin felt okay. And while she defintely didn't knl how to do thst she'd found a way to try.
Zelena called Archie to twll him about the newest development.
"She conforted robin when she thoight shebwas hurt."
They talked about that for a while.
Thr next day robin went back to the corner to return the blanket. She wasn't sure if alice wanted it back or not.
"Better?"
Robin nodded. "Yeah, but I wasn't hurt. Just a littlw upset. No one hurt me and no one will. And nmwe're not going to let anyone hurt you either. Promise. Thank you for letting me use this."
Alice titled her head. It didn't matter. She haf soubded...uosst thst was the word. Robin had seemed upset and so she needed to feel better and Alice didn't know any otheebway to do that.
"Ididn'tlikebeinghurt."
Robin nodded. Yeah. That defintley had to be hard.
"I know."
Luna laid in Alice lap as she pet her. " .knowingitwouldn'tstop."
Robin held bsck tears. She hadn't really thought about how much of a nkghtmare Alice's childhold had to have been. Her mlther had told her she couldn't leave, she knew it'd never stop. She'd had nothibg to look forward to. Except maybe the smallest of comforts she manged to get from the litfle in the towrmer thst could be called that. .
"That had ro be really hard, you didn't deserve it."
"Yesidid."
Robin shook her hesd but didn't say anything. Robkn didn't want to hesr the completle nonsesne that Alice was fed so she would just take what she thought were earned punishments. But Alicebwas being mlre open than normal.
"Icouldn'tfollowtherules."
"It's okay, you din't hsve to."
"No!" Alice threw besr on the ground. The glint of fustrstion in her eyes clesring begging for someone to understand her. Shd just needed someone to listen and she'd never really had that. "Hadto. It hurt jf i didn't. And ibwas in the way. And mkther hsted me. She hates me."
Alice was clesrly trting not to cry but bjrried her facr in her lap. "Bad."
"Alkce, you're not bad. I promise. Your mofher just waan't a nice person. Thst's nlt your fsult."
That was the wrong thing to say.
Alice shook her head. Her mother wasn't to blame! She was! Why didn't antone undersrand that? Alice sat trying to figure ourr how to explain to robin that she was the problem. Not mother. As she dealt with her frustrstion the tube to her iv got on something. Upsetting her even further. She got the tube into an at least almost confortsblr placement and glanced over at Robin. Mother was scary but Alice blamed herself. She had tried to do what mother wanted but she'd never fully succeded.
"Ineedtotryharder."
"Try harder at what?"
"Todowhatshewanted."
Robin knew Alice had clearly done everything she possiblg could to keep the pain at bay. She knew she hid her tears and apologized for every single action that could possobly be interpreted as an act of defiance and then some. What more had halice'a mother possobly wanted? Alice had tried harder than anyone. And yet she felt she desrved everything bad that happened to her.
"Shehadtokeepme. Butshedidntlikeit."
Whar? Why? Why wouls that be neccesary. Robin truly didn't understand the kotive behind the way alice had beeb treated. But in aloce's mind there'd been a reason.
"Why?"
"Forherfreedom. Butiwasintheway.."
Aloce explained, blurrong her words togethwr and reburrying her face in her lap but explained at some point that her kother used her for her freedom but hated sharing a living space with her and so hurt her to keep her out of the way. Alice clearly balmed herself for every single time she'd been hurt. It was terrible. And she didn't seem to ubderstand that i wasn't her fault.
"It's not your fsult. Your mother is just a reqlly bad person."
Alice got even more pset from this immeodstly. No! She wasn't. Alice knew her mother hated her and had hurt her her whole lofe. But she was the only perspn she'd known. And she did tske care of her. Yes she hurt her too but she made sure she had most of the things she needed. And she taught her how to read and clean and she wasn't a bad person! She cared about her. Even if it was only to hate her.
Alice threw something again.
"Goaway." Alkce mumbled her frustration into luna's fur.
Ok. Alice wanted her space and robin could resoectt that.
She found Zelena. "I think i uoset alice. We were tslking and she was talking about the tower and she said was bad and i told her she wasnt the problem and she got rewlly upset. I did say her mother was a bad lerson tbseemed ro be the point she got really uoset."
Zelena pinced the bridge of her nose. Two steps foward one step back. Evsry time they made some progreds something else dug its way out into the open.
Zelena knew she'd probably just upset Alice further. So she let her sit and do as she wanted for a little while. It was so sad. Alice struggled so much. But she was gentle and kind to everyone. Even though she had never been sjown that herself.
Alice spent most of the dy avoiding robin but other than thst thr day went fine.
Zelena checked on Alice and let her know she had an appointmdnt at archie's. They spwnt a lot of time there. Alice needed it. Her mind was clouded with stringent rules and the exoectstion kf pain for so muchbas looking at someone wrong.
They headed ro archie's. This time robin had to miss it because of an archery tournament. Alice sat with luna.
A kid started to cry. Alice shook her hesd. Crying is bad. Crying would get this kid hurt. And she didn't want snyone to be hurt.
Zelena had gitten up to go to the bathroom and thr kid was fsirly nearby. Screaming and crying.
Alice asked luna kf ir was okay and approsched the kid.
"Dom' 't cry " the toddler didn't stop cdying. Alice thkught about it. What made her stop crying? Well mothwe woukd shkve her to thr ground when she was little and tell herbcrying wasn't allowed. Or she'd beat her once she was older. She still wanted to cry a lot. But she'd goften better at hiding it. She knew it would hurt if she was caught. Maybr this baby had forgotten?
"Don'tcry. Cryingisbad. Motherwillbeatyouifyou cry. Please stop."
Alice was begging this child to stop crying. Please. It didn't happen. Luna made her feel bdtter
She gave the kid and luna pernission tkngreet each other and the kkd stopped crying.
The pardnt had kverhesrd this conversation.
This girl sounded terrsfied lf the fsct someone was crying. And she'd said her mother best her.
"Hey, thanks for letting him pet your dog, can we talk fkr a second?"
Alice blinked. And had luna stand in front of her. Luna had lesrned hoe to stand between alice and people to give alice a false wall to press against when she was scared.
Alice nodded shakily.
"Does your mother hurt yiu?"
Alice titled her head. Yes. But she hadn't seen her in a long time. She didn't know jf she ever would again. But yes. She did.
Alice nodded.
The man walked away to adress the issue with someone that would be required to report it.
Zelena returned and talked ro alice and saw a man scowl at her.
Archie came tonretrieve alice and had zelena come back too.
"Ok, alkce. Let's go. He walked her to his kffice. "You csn olay if you wsnt to. I just need to do something really quickly."
Alkce nodded and found something to pkay with.
Archie returned to the lobby area to talk with the strsbger and zelena.
"She's so scared, that's awful. How dare you?."
"I didn't do anything."
Zelena was growing agitated. This person had noticed Alice's behavior and thought she'd caused it. Thry cleared up the entire misubderstanding and archie retruned ro his office.
Zelena had told Archie kf the lrevious days events.
Je'd been working with aloce on right and wrong. And she mostly seemed to get it. But she didn't understand that she had to be treated well too. She blamed herself. Which was to be exoected. Qhatever reason she'd been given, in her mimd she'd done something to desrve every so-called punishment.
"You conforted that little kid, that's reqlly good."
Alice nodded. She just did what she did tl make herself feel better. And it had worked. Hopefully they were safe. But if archie knew about it wouldn't the kid's mother know too? Alice's eyes went wide. She did a bad thing.
"Badthing." Alice got incrediblg tensed and threw tmsomething near her.
"You didn't do anything wrong. You're very good at makimg people feel better."
How dodn't archie get it? He'd been through the same thing! He had to have! That was the only expantion for pomgo!
"Alice, i can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. I'm sorry i don't undsrstand. But can you try to tell me? You can show me if that works better "
She threw bear down. [You know whats wrong! Why do i have to tell you!]
She was xlearly frustrwted. Luna laid in her lap calming her down but she still didn't knlw how to explain.
"Bad."
"Alice i promise you didnxt do wmything bad."
Alice shook her head. She had and she didn't feel like explaining.
"Ok. We don't habe to talk." Archie admitted tempprary defeat. They had multiple sessions a week and sometimes they didn't go well. But pushing too far would make jer hate them or fear going and ir was akready a hassle whenever she so much as needed a bandaid. They couldn't risk making even the things she was sonewhat okay with scary.
Alice nodded. She glanced at her kv. She still wanted it gone but she didnXt know how long that would take. Archie had been thrligh the same thi g she bad, had 't he? He'd know. Maybe? And he alqays backed off when she wanred. So maybe he was safe ro aak that question to?
"Howlongdidyouhavetours?"
Have his? Have his wjat? Degree? She wouldnXt knlw what that was. His office? That made the mlst sense.
"A couple lf years," heXd moved his kfficd nlt fhst long ago. "But had a different one before it for about 20 years."
Alice didn't like that answer. And she didn't want to deal wkth this that long.
Alice got frustrated by archie's reaponse. She grabeed o tl the kv and tugged at it but couldn't quit get ir out this time.
"Hey, hey. You're okay. Let's focus on something else, okay? Let's see. You like ligjts don'y you? Archie grabbed sometbing nearby that could flash and hit a button. Aloce was immediatly distracted by that.
She really liked logjts for some reason.
"Ok good job. Thank you for dping that. Alright."
He made a note to let Zelena knlwn Alice was back to jer onsession wkth getting rid of the iv and to be sure to monitor that just in case.
It was a less productive than udual session but not every single one alwaya went well.
Archie and zelsna talked as Alice waited in the waiting room for them.
Alice sat in the car staring at the iv. It was going to be there forever. Mother had never made any ounishment go on forever. It felt like it but it was never this long. Alice hated the kv. It caight on things amd when she wasnt careful it reqlly hurt and she was comstsntly attached ..it was all the tings fhe restraints had been except she didn't know what she'd done.
Would it stop if she drank mlre water? That seemes to be the case but archie had just sakd he'd had his for 20 years. Alice adjusted hersekf in the seat and thoight about it.
They wwnt to the diner and alice waited for red. She could talk to her.
"Thiswillbeinnysrmftever?"
Red shook her hesd. "I don't think so."
Alice nodded. Red never lied to her. She'd losten to her..maybe it wouldnt say forever.
"You jjst need to drink a bit more watwr and im sure it'll be gone sooner."
Alice thought for minute. Both lf those optipns weren't things she wanted. But she'd drink. Or try to.
"Canihavewater?"
Red agreed and went to get some. Alice trusted red wouldn't do anything. Dogs didn't hurt people. Dogs wouodn't hurt her. So red wouldn't either.
Red brought water to their tsble and alice drabk quite a bit of it.
Zelena had not thought lf having red kffer it to her. She fully trsuted red..and that was probably the only person she trusted. Granted, she didnn't view red as a person.
"I'm really proud of you," zelena told her.
Alice didn't really know how to repsond to this so jjst nodded. "Good job deibking water." She gsve her a sticker. They ate their meal amd then headed home.
This routine carried on for a few mlre weeks and Alice was finally hydrated enough to ha e the iv removed. It took a bit of convincing but ryan managed to get it out of her arn after he promised thatbaa long as she continjed to drink water it wouodn't hqve to go back in.