Beta: paleseptember10
Tis the last chapter.
XIII
June 2020
Dr Martha Baldwin tapped the butt of her pen to her chin as she studied her patients. They weren't the youngest that came to her but they certainly were the most special. From her point of view as an outsider, she believed that it was a simple miscommunication that led to this epic fallout, and she personally saw no reason for them to not survive the fall.
"The stage is yours," she gestured to the couple deciding to leave it up to them to talk it out, sensing that they didn't need therapy in the first place but simply; a neutral ground for negotiations. "Be honest with each other, and say what's on your mind even if you know that your partner won't like the answer. I trust that you won't deliberately hurt each other, so even if your words are going to sting, still say it because that's the best form of communication."
"Since we're aiming for total honesty here," Ana started, looking at the doctor who nodded her head in confirmation and for reassurance. "Christian," she turned her head the other way to face him. "Full disclosure, who is she?"
"She's a flight attendant."
"A flight attendant?" She scowled. She had no idea what she was picturing the girl that her husband spent the majority of his time with but she would never have thought that it was someone with an occupation like that. It was so random.
"We met in a bar, and we talked that night."
"Spare me the details. I want the timeline."
"I asked her to fill in for Natalie for my trip to Silicon Valley."
"So, that's why you couldn't make it to the appointment," she nodded her head up and down slowly, as if everything made sense now. "I see how it is. I see… keep going."
Christian stared at her trying to gauge her reaction but he didn't have much of a choice on his end either, he promised full disclosure and he wasn't going to risk jeopardizing everything just so she would despise him less.
Man up, Grey.
"Oh, so all this time when I thought you were going to Flynn's you were actually going to her? Some wannabe psychologist? Is that why she's a flight attendant because she wants to pry into everyone's mind? And if she's lucky, she could end up with someone as weak minded as you to take advantage of and exploit that kindness." She sneered after he recounted his story in the briefest words possible.
"I'm not weak minded."
She scoffed but said nothing. She had no idea what to say.
"Why?" She asked after a moment of consideration. "Why confide in her?"
"Because… she's… there…"
"Oh, and I'm not?" She retorted, thoroughly hurt and affronted. Part of her knew what he was referring to and could rationalize it but that was under the circumstance that she had forgiven him; and she hadn't.
"You were but you're part of… the mess," he tugged at the root of his hair showcasing his frustration as well as his failing attempts at putting his thought into words. She wasn't understanding him, she wasn't getting what he wanted to say, and he needed to channel John Flynn.
"So why not go to Flynn?"
"I did go to him but he won't tell me what to do. All he does is psychoanalyze me and that isn't helping, I just want answers. He said that I wanted direct, straightforward answers, and he said that there wouldn't be anyone guiding me by the hand in real life. But I feel like Brie did."
"Brie? Who the fuck is that?" Ana scoffed knowing exactly who he was referring to, and she could already feel her skin crawl at the mention of the woman. She couldn't figure out how she felt about that woman exactly, but she knew that she wouldn't be so nice to her in person if she ever saw her.
Christian sighed and looked down to the floor.
"Do you have a picture of her?" Ana asked, mentally slapping herself across the face for even thinking of torturing herself let alone actually do it.
Christian studied her long and hard, then his eyes darted to the therapist before turning back to her. Slowly, he took out his phone and flipped through it, finally producing a photo.
"You seriously have a photo of her? How serious were you?" Ana pondered quietly but he still caught it in that dead silent room.
"It's from the background check."
"You pulled a check on her? And you saved it? Oh wait, it's from the email." Her voice was incredulous and neither of them had any idea why, perhaps she was surprised that he would actually do that to the girl when their relationship seemed pretty normal and unlike the ones he was accustomed to. "She's named after a cheese, and she's blonde?"
For some reason it was her appearance that shocked Ana the most because the girl was a natural blonde, and she couldn't imagine her in a darker hair color. She guessed she was picturing another sub-like girl but then again, she had no idea the extent and dynamic of their relationship.
"Was she the mistress?"
"She was the woman that I brought into our little bubble, the private life that was supposed to be ours alone."
"Oh, so now you're getting poetic on me. Who did you rehearse this with, hmm? Doesn't sound like John to me," she sneered at him sardonically, subconsciously shifting her stance to the opposite armrest of the chair and putting a bit more physical distance between them.
"Don't be sarcastic," he bit back, hurt by her tiny gesture.
"And, how ironic is it that you went to some woman that you met in a fucking bar about problems with your wife instead just coming to said wife?"
"Well now that we're here sitting in a marriage counseling session at a place of your choice and a time of your convenience… forgive me if I was under the impression that we'd be civil for once to each other and not scream."
"We didn't have a marriage problem until now, Christian."
"We have plenty of marital problems. You said so yourself more times than I care to count."
"We didn't have marital problems. We had relationship problems," she corrected through gritted teeth, hissing out the last few syllables and emphasizing on the others.
"Oh, and there's a difference just like I'm fighting for a piece of paper instead of us?" He scoffed loudly, and turned away from her to stare out the window. He had completely forgotten about the third existence in the room until he heard shuffling of papers and the noise of flipping the pages in a notebook.
"There is a difference," she insisted. "You bringing whatever cheese she's named after into our life by confiding in her about all the shit that we were supposed to go through together is the root cause of our marital problems. You and all your fucked up emotional baggage that you brought into our relationship is the problem that we had before we had any marital problems."
"Dr Baldwin, say something," Christian gritted out once he saw that the doctor seemed to be enjoying the show and hadn't said a single word other than letting her pen fly across the papers in her lap.
"Relationships between individuals are the foundation to a marriage," Dr Baldwin said, jolting down the last bit of her notes. "I obviously don't know any of your previous history or the issues that you two have before this, but just to focus on the problems at hand. Christian, you stormed out when Ana announced that she's pregnant. What was going through your head at the time?"
"I wanted to clear my head. It's a huge bomb dropped in my lap and I was not prepared for it. Before meeting Ana, I had never envisioned myself having kids. I was furious at myself for letting this happen but I also don't want to lash out. I don't want to say anything to hurt her at that moment, so I thought it'd be best that I just leave."
"I knew you would react to the news badly, Christian, and you have no idea how much courage it took me to even come to you about it," she added quietly from the side. "I knew that you'd give me shit for it and I didn't even think I'd be happy to hear the news because a baby wasn't on my radar either. I only knew that I wanted to be a mother down the line but never this soon."
"I like the way you're communicating right now," Dr Baldwin commented lightly, encouraging them to keep going. "What went through your mind when Christian walked out?"
"I distinctly remember wanting to yell at him for going out in the cold without a coat," she chuckled dryly. "I knew that you'd need time to process and I was willing to give you the space you need because I knew how big of a surprise it was. It never crossed my mind that you'd never come back to me… I was waiting for you to come back so we could face it together because I wouldn't want to have raised a child on my own without you by my side."
He sagged in his seat, his breath was momentarily taken out by that simple one-sentenced confession. He didn't go back to her like she trusted he would. In truth, he always knew that he would return to her side but he just needed a little more time. What he didn't count on was the fact that the lack of communication from his side sent her a different message. He thought he had time; he thought he had time to process and digest everything in order to go back to her with a new mindset that would be healthy and beneficial to the both of them, but in the end, not only was he too late but he also got himself all tangled up in a whirlwind.
It was the kind of entanglement that he had never wished to have, yet he had no idea how he got sucked into it in the first place. Maybe it would've been the better option for him to lash out at Ana, because at least the hurtful words were said out of anger at the moment. Perhaps they should've just bit the bullet and had a screaming contest before everything went out of hand because the both of them thought they could handle the emotions themselves.
"Would you have had the abortion if our baby girl was healthy?" He vocalized the question that he had been pondering on his own silently, deciding now would be the best time to open up about his hopes and fears. It would be better than never given how everything snowballed just because they weren't reliant on one another emotionally enough.
"More than likely if you aren't there but I can't say for sure. I can't say what I'm going to do because I won't know the mindset that I would be in if I was in a different situation."
"Why didn't you go to Kate? Ray? My parents? Fuck, I thought I was seeking someone out to help me rationalize everything by talking it out, and I had no idea that you'd be bottling it all up."
"The only person that I should be talking to is you, because you're my husband. It is something that we have to work through. It is our business, and no one else's," she argued defiantly and indignantly.
"It's nobody's business until we bring them into it."
"Why should we involve them? Why would we involve an outsider when we haven't even attempted to solve it on our own? Consulting another person would've been a decision we made together. Do you now see the problem here?"
"I don't. I thought you'd be looking for an out here because I did. I know I did, subconsciously. One thing I learned since meeting you was that sometimes, talking to someone helps. I told you about my past and I felt better; I felt lighter. You were an outsider then, but then I let you in."
"So, you thought you'd just let some stranger in as well? Why didn't you propose to her then?"
"No, I didn't let her in. I just thought if I said what's bothering me out loud, I might feel better."
"Well, did you?" She was skeptical and cynical, and she had every reason to be.
"At the moment, yes."
She huffed out a long breath and slumped back in defeat and frustration that he couldn't understand where she was coming from.
"I couldn't go to Kate because Kate doesn't like you. She's going to overreact and make a huge deal out of this, and then the whole world would know that I'm pregnant and that you're not on board. So, there, obviously I can't go to Kate."
He lowered his chin, suddenly starting to comprehend the tough situation that she was in, and how he took the easy way out despite denying that it was a form of cheating.
"Then there's your mother. Yes, I could consult her but that would include divulging information that neither of us wanted to be revealed. I would have to tell her how horribly you behaved and how terribly you reacted to what was supposed to be happy news. I don't want to demonize or patronize her son in front of her; especially when she always had a soft spot for you.
"Then, there's my father. Christian," she paused and that made him look up. "Do you have a death wish?" She said looking at him square in the eyes. "Telling my father is basically sending my husband to his own funeral."
"I honestly hadn't thought of it that way," he shook his head finally seeing it from her perspective. "But I came back for you," he recollected. "I truly wasn't going to see her again after she told me to apologize. I thought we were fine before we went to the second trimester screening."
"We were, until we found out that we might get a baby with some kind of genetic defect."
"Because you don't trust me anymore."
"Well excuse me for having doubts about you and your commitment because you haven't been there for the past three months. Your absence forced me to make up my mind about having to potentially raise this kid on my own. I waited for you, and I was willing to wait for you to come around until that baby was born. I was willing to give you time to adjust. Apparently, that news also pushed you back into the arms of another woman, but it wasn't my fault that we got unlucky the first time."
"It wasn't the diagnosis that pushed me away, Ana, it was you."
"You left me, Christian! You walked out that night and got all cozy with another girl."
"Because she's saying all the things that I want to hear."
"It's easy for her to say whatever it is that you want to hear to appease you, so you'd go back to her because she knows that whatever that I have to say to you wouldn't be pleasant and you wouldn't like it. She would do anything and say anything that you wanted her to, because that just emphasized the fact that I'm the evil one here. She doesn't have to be responsible for her speech!"
"I know that!" He bellowed, the repetitive analysis of the reason behind his continuous relationship and the attraction he had for Brie was starting to get on his nerves.
He had to sit through session after session with his own shrink going through every single detail regarding his entire relationship with the woman down to the gritty bits. He had enough sessions to get it in his head that he hadn't been solving a problem, he had been cheating the system by choosing the easy way out.
"Look," his voice softened and his volume lowered. "I get it. I know that I have been absent and have been avoiding a confrontation with you. I have, and I know that now. I'm admitting to it, but could you please just stop rubbing it in my face."
"Lemme guess, it's embarrassing," she cocked a brow insincerely. "I would sympathize with you, Christian, I really would if this had nothing to do with me."
"I didn't mean to cheat on you, and I don't want to. Believe me, Ana, you have to believe me when I say that I really did not have the intention to see her after that initial meeting. Taylor had her sign the NDA and I was going to file it and shelf it and then we could talk." He gestured between the two of them with his index finger.
"Why didn't you then?"
"Because you were going on and on about baby this and baby that. Your entire world shifted, and your focus left me. I felt neglected," he blurted out. It was one of the many conclusions that he and Flynn had come to before he made it to this therapy session. He wanted to make sense of his own actions and why he had done what he did in order to be able to fully justify it.
"No one intends to cheat on their significant other. No one plans that, it always happens on a whim. And for the record, I told you that I did not forget about you! I just want to be prepared for the kid, and since you weren't there I thought I'd take the initiative to start so that we wouldn't be so far behind once you came around."
"And I did! I accepted the fact that we're going to have a baby, and I told you that I'd be there for you every step of the way. I promised you that."
"You also vowed that you'd remain faithful to me in sickness and health, and you'd safeguard and hold dear and deep in your heart our union, forsaking all others. Where was that promise when you hired your cheesy blondie to tend to your jet?"
"It didn't mean anything. She was free, and I needed someone to fill in the spot last minute."
"She would've thrown everything away just to fill in that void for you!" She yelled frustratedly, and that double entendre lingered in the air loud and clear.
"I didn't see it that way."
"You never do with any of the women until they're right in front of your face, shamelessly flaunting their ass at you!"
"Ana…" he was so taken aback by her crassness that he was momentarily rendered speechless. "She knew a bit about what I was going through, and I need a woman's point of view because I know that Flynn isn't giving me advice that worked fast enough. He's trying to build up my mentality for the long term but I needed answers then."
"Why didn't you go to your family then? Surely you won't be throwing me under the bus since they're your family." She lobbed, jabbing at his previous comment about her not seeking help.
"I couldn't. They know me and they know us. I want a fresh perspective. I want someone who doesn't know anything about me or about us to tell me that I'm normal."
She scoffed. "You just want someone to stroke your ego the way you wanted."
"Ana, I came back to you. I never told her about our child, and I never mentioned any names. I just thought I needed a fresh pair of eyes to help me see everything clearer."
"You didn't come back to me. You came into my pants because you wanted to smooth things over with sex."
"We were going to talk."
"You can't just up and leave and then somehow think you can weave your way back in and expect me to believe that you're here to stay."
"Why wouldn't I be staying? I love you, and I want to be with you. I told you that I'm slowly wrapping my mind around becoming a father, and I meant that. It's you that lost faith in me, and it's you that didn't trust me. You turned your back on me so quick that for a second I don't even recognize you anymore."
"Come on, let's be honest here. You stormed out on me, found yourself a young girl who's willing to submit to you in forms that you craved at the moment, and then when you think you got your shit together you expect me to be waiting for you? Well, news flash, my world no longer revolves just around you, Christian. You were forced to make room for another being the moment you planted that seed in me, literally. I would've waited for you had it been something else, and I would've been more accepting of your mercurial behaviors because I know that's who you are. I know that's what you're going to be like before I married you."
"You said that I'm still the center of your universe, but clearly I'm not."
"I wasn't the center of your universe either. You all but tossed me to the side."
"I was getting ready. I was working on myself so that I could present a better version of myself to you."
"With another woman?" She narrowed her eyes to slit and glared at him. "Tell me you're not that stupid."
"I wasn't dependent on her; I wasn't reliant on her. I need you but you pushed me away. You know that I am having doubts about fatherhood, yet you all but confirmed those. You weren't there for me when I was vulnerable, you stepped on my vulnerability. You told me that I'd be the worst parent in the world and basically implied that you don't trust me to stick around."
She leaned back against her backrest and stared into the other side of the room, the therapist scribbling in her peripheral.
"You gave up on me, Ana. I don't need you to lie and say that I'm going to be the perfect father, but did you honestly don't believe in me?"
"You hardly even believe in yourself, how can I believe you?"
"You always believe in me, and your trust in me is sometimes enough for the both of us."
"I was scared, too, okay? I am twenty-two, this is my first relationship, and I'm the one who's body is changing day by day with a physical reminder constantly reminding me that my life is about to take a drastic change to a whole new level. You weren't there to support me and when you were, you were always seeking for my approval. I thought it was a two-way street."
"It is. It really hurt that you just dismissed me so effortlessly."
"Pregnant women are easy to get depression, maybe I was depressed because of how hard the news hit us. Cut me some slack here, you're not the one with your hormones fucking up all of your systems."
"That's why I said that I'd be there for you, that we'd get through everything together. I told you that I'd stay, and you chose to ditch me. You chose to do this alone, and I just don't know how to deal with the hurt after hearing that you don't trust me anymore. What happened to standing by my side in the good times and the bad, and to share my joy as well as my sorrow?" He tossed her vow right back at her, and it was a small shock to her that he actually remembered.
"Why did you sleep with her?" She shot back, not giving into the moment of silence after his soul-searching question.
"My abandonment issue caught up with me."
"So you do have feelings for her."
"No," he shook his head. "I guess I did form some kind of attachment to her. It was a co-dependent relationship."
"It was sick!" She spat, and he couldn't deny that because it did seem so in hindsight despite how refreshing it was to him at the time.
"I don't have feelings for her but I thought I could lean on her. I thought she could help me get through the rocky paths. I was going to tell you that I'm going to do everything in my power to stick by you and to help you whatever form that you need. I was going to tell you that I've made my decision and that I've got my mind set on having this baby with you no matter what the outcome was with the test."
"Did you actually get the test result?"
"Yes," he sighed recalling the day he got the document. "Sawyer slapped it on my desk before slamming my door shut, making his feelings abundantly clear."
"Good to know that at least someone sympathizes with me," she quipped, and he decided to ignore that comment.
"I was going to come clean to you and tell you that we will cherish the time, albeit limited, with our girl as much as possible. I had no idea that you'd terminate the pregnancy because that thought had never entered my mind."
"You asked Dr Greene about it."
"I did because I couldn't think of anyone that would actually do that to their own child. I don't want to abandon her because she's not perfect. She was our girl, Ana. Maybe it took me five months to fully accept the fact that I'm going to have a child, a baby girl no less, but I expected you to come to me before making a decision all on your own about the destiny of our kid."
"I would have if I could actually find you."
"No, you wouldn't. You had no intention of coming to me or discussing it with me."
"If you hadn't been so absent in the first place then I probably wouldn't even be thinking about getting an abortion because I'd at least feel safe and reassured that I'd have support. That kid was going to be my sole responsibility if you weren't going to be around, and I didn't want to be responsible for her life because I am incapable of doing so, and I am unwilling."
"Unwilling?"
"Yes. Christian, I am an individual first, and I am allowed to make decisions about my life. Sure it sounds cruel and selfish that I killed our imperfect baby because I wasn't willing to change my life for her. People out there who are just as anti-abortion as you somehow just forgot about the fact that I am the consenting adult here, not the baby that's not even born yet let alone reach the legal age to give consent. You don't get to talk about consent because you're the one that insisted you were able to give consent at the age of fifteen to a woman three-times your age for her to molest you. If you're able to disagree with society about the nature of your relationship with Elena then I certainly can disagree with the people that thought a baby should have a chance to live."
"It's not about consent, Ana."
"It is, because the moment that I fell pregnant, I seemed to have lost the right to dictate what happens to my body, and all of a sudden I'll have to talk to you before I make changes to my body. It's like I can't even control my own body anymore. What am I? An incubator?"
"No, Ana, that's not what I meant. Obviously you'd have the right to do as you wish to your body, but when it comes to this baby, then it concerns me, because the baby is also a part of me."
"You certainly never acted like I was having your baby the entire time until now."
"I was too late, yes, but you never even had the intention to ever inform me about it. Not even after you got the abortion."
"I didn't think you'd care," she tossed it out flippantly and she knew that it wasn't the reason.
"You threw that in my face to spite me. Ana, you knew that I cared, you knew that I just needed time to adjust and you know that I would never have agreed to an abortion."
"I didn't know that you've been hanging out with another woman. You hid the biggest secret from me so why can't I do the same? What you did also affected our relationship."
"You have been nothing but spiteful to me since I made the mistake by walking out on you that night."
"And you have been acting the most polite here?"
They glared at each other until a throat clearing broke the contest. They had forgotten about the doctor in the room, and now they were suddenly aware of all the history they had brought up during their rapid exchange.
"I can tell that there are unresolved issues from your relationship, and while you both assumed that it's in the past, it is still affecting your future in ways that you didn't expect," Martha concluded in a gentle voice, a stark contrast to the sharp tones that the couple used against the other. "Ana, you mentioned a woman that has a huge influence and impact on Christian's life, can you elaborate on that, please?"
"Had. She was in my life but not anymore, and will never enter my life again," Christian defended himself all the while glaring at Ana as he clenched his teeth.
"Her name is Elena, and she introduced Christian to the BDSM lifestyle when he was fifteen," Ana introduced calmly, and in the briefest way possible because despite it having a huge impact on his life later on, Anastasia refused to divulge too much still wishing to let it remain in the past.
"Are you still actively participating in this lifestyle?" Martha asked as she scribbled in her notebook, her question projecting to no one in particular.
"Dr Baldwin, this subject is hardly relevant to the core of the problem," Christian gritted but his hissing did nothing to stop the therapist from turning to Ana, waiting for her input.
"We are not in the lifestyle, per se," Ana explained. "We like to play but not for the extreme power exchange, only for the kink and the pleasure."
"The power dynamic is the key to a BDSM relationship," Martha agreed, and Christian stared at her hard with an analytical gaze trying to figure out what her relationship with the taboo lifestyle was. "I assume that you are familiar with the lifestyle?"
"I can't say I am," Ana admitted, suddenly well aware of the sharp turn of this conversation.
"I thought I am," Christian offered, still unwilling to admit his introduction to the lifestyle was inaccurate, and therefore his understanding of it would be misled.
"You thought," Martha repeated.
"I misinterpreted it."
"Right," the therapist relented, sensing the obvious obstacle preventing Christian from saying the words out loud. "So, how did this impact your romantic relationship?"
"Christian was a Dominant when we first met, and he tried to convince me to be his submissive."
"That was the only type of relationship I knew," Christian protested automatically seeking to defend himself, forgetting that there would be no judgement coming from his wife because she knew, and most definitely nothing from the doctor.
"Long story short," Anastasia cut him off and continued trying to move away from the topic. "We compromised, and agreed to keep the role play in the playroom."
"So, it is a vanilla relationship," Martha stated, glancing up from her pages briefly to see the two nodding their heads numbly and staring at her with some semblance of shock and surprise. "A purely vanilla relationship is very different to a BDSM relationship because the roles are clearly defined in the latter whereas there is no limit to the power that you hold over your partner in the former."
"If you're suggesting that there is a power struggle, Dr Baldwin, there is none. We have been working hard to compromise with each other," Anastasia frowned.
"Then why are you scared to tell him about your pregnancy?" Martha countered.
"Because he's not ready, and Christian would never have handled the shock once it registered," she replied confidently.
"Do you have the same fear that Anastasia has when it comes to something that you know she wouldn't like to hear?" Martha asked Christian, who had been sitting in silence attempting to figure out where the doctor was taking them.
"No," he shook his head with definiteness.
"You don't, because you'd keep it to yourself or make sure that she agrees with what you have proposed," Martha surmised. "You wouldn't have given her a choice to reject you."
"We compromise," Christian seethed at the accusation that the doctor was tossing at him.
"When you are in the playroom, Christian," Martha continued patiently, this time trying from another angle. "What would you do if your submissive safeworded?"
"I'd listen to it and take a step back or stop immediately if she said red."
"It is a definite boundary that has been predetermined, and it is clear to both parties where the line is and what the limits are. That equilibrium exists because it is strictly black and white as everything is predetermined down to how one should behave; a clear, distinguishable line is drawn. However, that does not exist in a vanilla relationship. The equilibrium shifts between the partners in a romantic relationship because it does not have a clear definition."
"We are equals in this relationship," Anastasia scowled, instantly disliking the implication Martha was casting over their relationship.
"Then you shouldn't be afraid to tell him that you are having his baby because he should be able to receive the news without casting blame on you for falling pregnant. You wouldn't feel threatened about the possibility of Christian filing a lawsuit against your birth control manufacturer. All I'm saying is that," Martha raised her hands as a peace offering as she could see that both of her patients are ticked off, and she appreciated that they were so protective of their relationship. "The power dynamic in a vanilla relationship is vastly different from a BDSM one. You two had, and did find some sort of balance in between some disagreements and compromises as the both of you are vying for power, which in a vanilla relationship is the decision making right because in a BDSM relationship, the Dominant is entitled with the right to decide for both parties.
"The pregnancy tilted the equilibrium, yes, but what Christian is more furious about was the fact that you terminated it without consulting him. That is being seen as a defiant act because you took control and made him feel powerless. The shift in your attitude threw him into a downward spiral because you reigned and made him feel like you have already made up your mind without letting him into the thought process. You told him that you'd choose the baby over him, and you also implied that he wouldn't make a good father."
"So, it's my fault then?"
"No, Ana. That's not what I'm saying. I drew parallel to Christian's lifestyle because I want to offer another angle for the two of you to consider as you sit here pondering whether your marriage or your relationship is completely destroyed or still salvageable."
"You're making me see my wrongdoing here but you're not making Christian see where he'd gone wrong."
"I am getting there, Ana," Martha held out her hand indicating that she would be doing everything at her own pace. "Christian," turning to the man who had been mostly silent and fuming throughout most of the exchange, she glanced down at her notebook and then back up at him. "Do you agree that communication and honesty is important in the BDSM lifestyle?"
Christian nodded, but his lips were pressed in a thin line and his eyes hardened as his guard went back up. He had been overly sensitive whenever someone brought up the lifestyle that he used to participate in.
"Then, would you say that you have never failed at these two aspects previously in the lifestyle when you were a Dominant?"
He nodded curtly once more, and his expression only turned darker. Normally, he would've jumped up and stormed out of the room already, but the presence of Anastasia reminded him of the importance and the significance of those sessions that he, up until now, still deemed unnecessary.
"Would you say that you have succeeded in these two aspects in your marriage? Your vanilla relationship?"
"The circumstances are different," he argued, biting back at her sharply.
"Does that mean communication and honesty is no longer important?"
"No, that's not what I meant!"
"Ana has reached out to you repeatedly throughout the whole ordeal, attempting to rebuild a communication channel with you. After she told you that you couldn't be the father that your child needed, has she reached out to you?"
He nodded.
"Have you responded?"
"I wasn't ready."
"But have you responded? In any way shape or form? Or even to let her know that you weren't ready to give her a formal response? Have you reassured her of your presence?"
"No," he sighed as he sagged lower in his seat feeling berated and small by Martha's line of questioning. "No, I haven't."
"What have you been doing instead of responding?"
"I have been with another woman as I tried to come up with a response. I don't know how to feel and I don't know how to react, can you blame me?" His temper suddenly flared as confusion for this situation accumulated in his head. "You said that this pregnancy tilted the fucking equilibrium—whatever the fuck that is—and I felt powerless because she suddenly doesn't consult me before making decisions, and is now all independent from me. What, and now you're blaming me for not communicating? She didn't talk to me before making all those decisions, and I was trying to seek some kind of guidance from everywhere and anywhere I could find, despite having found myself in the lion's den."
"You're right, she made up her mind before she could talk to you but she attempted to make amends for that didn't she? She texted you, called you, emailed you, sent her bodyguard after you, but you haven't reciprocated any of her attempts. She wanted to apologize but you wouldn't let her. That doesn't sound like communication to me."
"I needed time and space."
"She said that she couldn't give you space, and that was her condition. Anastasia has reiterated multiple times that she was willing to give you time, however long it may take for you to come around, but she wasn't going to give you space. Yet, you still took it because you want to make a decision for yourself. The Dominant in you wouldn't allow a decision to be made by someone other than yourself. That's not communication. If there's no communication then there wouldn't be any honesty, and these two are the cornerstone to a strong, lasting relationship."
Christian turned his head in Ana's direction, stealing a glance from her but when she had her head lowered as she stared at her fingers in her lap, he frowned. He wanted her attention, just for that one brief second, he wanted to see her face just so he could gauge her mood. He wanted to know if this was exactly what she was thinking.
"You were so successful and so hellbent on keeping communication open and honest in your contractual relationships, yet you failed to achieve those in your marriage, and that is on you and not on Anastasia."
"Ana?" Christian nudged softly with his voice, getting her attention.
"Your radio silence really hurt me," she admitted in a small voice after some moment of contemplation. "You've never ignored me before, and you always reply to my messages no matter where you are or what you're doing. Sometimes it takes you a few hours to get back to me but you'd always say something back in return to let me know that you've got it."
Christian leaned forward with his elbow on his parted legs and his face buried deep in his palms. He knew the gravity of his mistake, and the impact of his actions, but to have it spelt out to him in black and white, and to see Anastasia confirming them made him feel like the child unworthy of any love and devotion once more. It brought him back to his pre-adoption times, only this time, it was brought by the consequences of his own actions and not because of his bitter fate. He truly felt defeated.
"You care about the other, deeply, and you have a bond that is unique to the two of you. Do not ever forget that no matter what life throws at you. This may be the biggest fight that you two ever had up until now, but learn from it.
"Christian, you said that this entire incident has opened your eyes. What conclusions have you come to?"
"I have reacted poorly to her news, and that was a reflection of my emotional immaturity," he replied evenly. "I should communicate better with my wife, and not be afraid to let her see me in my weakest time because that should only be for her presence only."
"Ana, what about you?"
"I think perhaps committing adultery isn't the worst that could happen to a marriage or a relationship. I think from this, I learned that there are only two people who can and are able to destroy and completely shatter a relationship, and that is when one of them gives up."
"Is love important, then?" Martha directed the question to both of them, and they shared a meaningful look before answering.
"Yes, it is crucial." Christian nodded his head firmly and decisively.
"But, sometimes it's just not enough." Anastasia added in a small but confident voice, and Christian's face fell just as Martha's eyes shifted over to her curiously; but none of them said anything about the remark.
"Will time help, then?" Martha prompted.
They both nodded hesitantly.
"Remember that love is important, and maybe it won't help you solve everything, but perhaps it's a good starting point?"
Credits to Nadia for the chapter title! Major shoutout to her for this chapter as well!
If you're still confused, you know where to find me (FB or here). I'm open to discussions, all kinds. So, don't hold back.
I usually share the link on FB if guests are wondering how to be notified, otherwise, I don't know maybe make an FF account.
Next up will be the epilogue.
X
Saph T