The few ambient sounds within the Cloud Recesses, moving water and the occasional insect, were inherently peaceful. The evergreens which surrounded the complex always smelled pleasant, and at this time of year there was also the damp scent of leaves of the end of autumn. Within the complex itself, the contrast of white gravel and black varnished buildings seemed to give everything a soft glow.

It would be a lie to say that Meng Yao had not dreamed of a life here, ever since he had first set eyes on Lan Xichen. It had seemed impossible for many reasons. Yet here he was. And what's more, Lan Xichen seemed opposed to leaving his side even for a moment.

Meng Yao cautiously sipped medicinal tea that was designed to restore his qi, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. "Er-ge," he addressed his companion. "I assume you have more important duties than watching me drink tea."

Xichen nodded. "I have given most over to Wangji for the time being."

Meng Yao closed his eyes in mild frustration, setting down his cup. "But there is no reason to do that."

"Then will you at least let me play for you?"

Meng Yao's lips parted as an unfortunate memory rose in his mind, of the day he first found out he was an uncle. "Er-ge…do you regret your actions at all?" he asked with deceptive softness, though in reality he was quite hurt and angry. "If so, it is difficult to tell."

Xichen's eyelashes fluttered as if he had indeed forgotten what he had tried to do. With a note of torment, he lowered his gaze again. "I'm sorry. I only meant for your more recent illness."

In truth, though Meng Yao had been here for a day and a half now, and Lan Xichen by his side during almost all that time, the two had so far done little but argue this way. Anyone casually observing would have thought, from their voices and mannerisms, that they were two deeply intimate friends sharing pleasant conversation. But for these two people, for whom the height of politeness and gentleness were the norm, even the mildest harsh word constituted a serious argument.

"A-Yao…"

"…yes?"

Without his characteristic, peaceful smile, but with eyes that shone with sincerity, Xichen said softly, "I like your voice now."

Meng Yao took in a sharp breath and glanced at him with a look of betrayal. He had thought that Xichen finally understood and would back off, sparing his heart these torturously kind words, when now there was less hope than ever as he saw it. But if anything his devotions seemed to have become more obvious.

While Meng Yao was still struggling to respond, Xichen gauged his expression and seemed to realize he had made a mistake. "I…forgive me…" he backtracked softly. "I only meant that I enjoy hearing your real voice. When before it was beautiful in a constructed way, it now has an artless purity, more beautiful precisely for the notes of darkness."

"…I have been ill. No doubt my throat is still raw," Meng Yao murmured, intentionally misunderstanding him. He picked up his tea again in hope that the steam would hide the slight redness of his cheeks.

Xichen's eyes slowly lowered in disappointment. But moments later he began again, "Would you let Sizhui play for you instead? His healing skill is quite high for a junior cultivator, but even if he knew of your past affliction, he is still incapable of attempting such an advanced technique."

Meng Yao sighed. "There is no need. I will leave soon."

"You will stay," Xichen said with sudden firmness. Meng Yao looked up at him in surprise; he might have imagined it, but he thought his eyes looked red. Xichen took a quick breath as he met Meng Yao's gaze, and looked away as if embarrassed. He continued in a more measured tone, "At least until you are well. I have given the sentries orders not to allow you to pass."

Meng Yao chuckled bitterly. "You forget, I came and went freely in and out of Wen Ruohan's fortress. I may not have the highest cultivation, but in subterfuge, with the deepest respect, your upright and moral disciples are not my equal."

Xichen looked down for a time in thought. He finally answered, "Wen Ruohan did not care for you."

"Well, in that you are alike," Meng Yao replied, unable to keep the harshness from his voice. If this was the voice Xichen said he liked, he could have plenty of it. "As I have said, Er-ge, true affection cannot include attempts to fundamentally change a person."

"…I was wrong then. But I will take the time to show you that I do," Xichen said with soft determination. He seemed to want to say more, but he withdrew slightly, then got to his feet and left without another word.

A few minutes later, another figure entered Meng Yao's rooms, this one without knocking. But it was an expected entrance; for all intents and purposes, these rooms had been assigned to Kang Ruien. All but a few elder disciples were unaware of Meng Yao's presence here. Kang Ruien was likewise experiencing difficulty leaving the Cloud Recesses without Lan Xichen's permission, though it seemed he wanted to.

Currently he was lightly soaked with rain and there was mud on his boots, indicating he had been doing some sort of manual labor outside. He shook himself a bit, setting aside the umbrella hat he had been wearing and gingerly removing his shoes. He wiped his hands on a handkerchief before joining Meng Yao in the sitting room. Meng Yao conscientiously poured him some hot tea, which he sat down and accepted without a word.

"What were you doing in the rain?" Meng Yao asked him casually.

The Sogdian shook his head dismissively. "A small mudslide was pressing on the foundations of one of the outer disciples' chambers. Just helping to clear it."

"So you're occupying yourself doing odd jobs for them. There are worse ways to run from your problems, I suppose," Meng Yao said with a degree of false innocence.

Ruien's hand briefly halted on the way to bringing tea to his lips. But as usual the taciturn man said nothing and simply took another drink.

"By the way, I've been meaning to ask for some time. I gather you were abating Da-ge's yang energy by sleeping with him. Is that right?"

Ruien's expression darkened minimally and he lowered his tea to the table. It seemed to take him a moment to consider how he should respond. Eventually all he did was raise an eyebrow at Meng Yao, who couldn't hold back a chuckle at the obvious animosity in that look.

"Oh, I'm not judging. I might have done the same thing, if I'd thought of it sooner."

"…you don't feel that way about Clan Leader Nie," Ruien murmured with dark suspicion, almost as if trying to reassure himself.

Meng Yao tilted his head as he considered. "Not love, no. But there are few specimens of man as fine as that one. I confess, I'm curious."

Ruien's eyes narrowed disapprovingly. "Why do you still bother lying to me?" he asked in that unadorned way of his. "Even if there was once a benefit to you, you know I know most of your secrets anyway. And I don't care." In an undertone he concluded, "I know you'd never consider it. The one time he tried, you fought him so hard you broke your hand."

Ignoring him, Meng Yao took another sip of tea without a change in his expression.

Ruien let out a soft sigh of frustration. "So? What's your plan then?"

"Plan? Ah. You mean once I'm healed and have to find some form of stable employment."

"No. What's your plan to earn back Zewu-jun's affection?"

Meng Yao attempted a confused smile but his face felt odd. He blinked, at first not quite following. "Back? That's…he…" He forced a small laugh, though internally he felt as if cold water were filling his stomach. "He's only confused. He never…no, are you saying his feelings have changed?"

"If I were him, being constantly rejected by someone who can't accept my feelings and keeps hurting me on purpose, I would be angry by now," Ruien said with certainty. "I might even forget what I liked about them to begin with."

"…good," Meng Yao murmured vaguely, though suddenly he found it hard to focus his gaze. "He'll be better off."

"Sure. Say that without crying, and maybe I'll believe you."

Meng Yao aimed a sharp glare at him, partly angry because his eyes had indeed started to sting. "I am not crying."

"Because you're still emotionally stunted. Not because you don't want to."

Meng Yao set down his own tea cup and gained a bitter smile. "Well, Master Kang. You've been so kind to offer your unsolicited advice to me, so allow me to return the favor. Do you think the way to Da-ge's heart is by leaving him to his own devices? You think he forgives easily?"

Ruien rolled his eyes and didn't answer.

"Hm? You think he'll get lonely and come looking for you? Those are long odds. He's mad enough at Er-ge for thinking he stole you. He won't be coming here."

Ruien closed his eyes with a harsh sigh, pushing himself up to his feet. "I'll get a bath started."

Meng Yao made an innocent face and sipped his tea.

…

As the autumn rains gave way to soft and even more deeply silent snow, Meng Yao began to feel that Xichen was growing less and less talkative around him. He still spent most of his time by his side, but he stopped asking to play his guqin for him. Instead he confined conversation to daily needs, or anything that Meng Yao brought up. But one day Meng Yao believed he was a little too harsh with him.

"A-Yao…I'm sorry to confine you this way. You must be lonely with only the two of us for company," Xichen said one afternoon, his eyes somewhat distant.

"I admit I do fear the dulling of my mind from lack of stimulation. But you are very kind to give me all the books I could ever require," Meng Yao replied politely.

"…you must miss your family. And…friends," Xichen murmured.

Meng Yao glanced at him, feeling something amiss about the slight pause before the last word. He glanced skyward in genuine thought. "Hm. Do I have any of those?"

"…is that…Xue Yang not your friend?"

Meng Yao's stomach twisted uncomfortably, realizing what might be the cause for Xichen's sudden awkwardness with him. He did not underestimate the power of the Lan's deep forms of meditation, some of which were capable of drawing back memories that were once lost. But if Xichen had remembered that night…he had to get out. There was no other way.

Meng Yao's mind scrambled for a way to hurt Xichen badly enough to finally disillusion him completely. Being with him for these past few days, even arguing as they were, had been far too pleasant and Meng Yao could feel his resistance weakening every day. He had to do something, now.

"I don't think 'friend' would be the right word for that," he said, adopting a flippant tone. "Our association had mutual advantages."

"Do you mean…intimate things?" Xichen asked with barely any volume.

Though that was exactly the line of thinking that Meng Yao was aiming for in his remark, it still hurt to see the heartbreak already subtly showing on Xichen's face. Nevertheless, he nodded. "Not just that, but yes. I'm surprised Er-ge even knows of these things."

Xichen frowned softly at the floor in front of him for some time. Even troubled like this, Meng Yao could not help admiring his glimmering beauty, only wishing he were someone else, who could appreciate the sight without guilt.

And then came words that almost gave Meng Yao a heart attack. Xichen's pale pink lips parted, and he spoke as softly as a slow-moving mountain stream. "If…if you have…that kind of need…I can provide that too." In an incredibly gentle gesture of intimacy, he moved his head only slightly closer so that he could speak even more softly, "You need only ask. I will not judge or spurn you."

A vibrant ray of emotions shuddered throughout Meng Yao's body. Almost simultaneously, joy at the thought of Xichen's touch and shattering guilt at what such a selfish indulgence would cost his soul. And then even more strongly, subtle but growing anger and pain at exactly what Xichen was offering.

There was no doubt, even if he were not already confident about this fact long before now, that Xichen was a virgin. In all likelihood, he had never even kissed anyone before Meng Yao. He was offering his purity. In exchange for nothing. He wasn't asking Meng Yao to give him anything in return, not even the appearance of affection. Perhaps this was a bribe to get him to stay, but even so, what for? How far had this poor innocent sunk already into this fruitless attachment?

It had to stop. Now.

Carefully holding back the tears which threatened to rise in his eyes, Meng Yao took a deep breath. By the end of it, he was Jin Guangyao again.

He let out a soft chuckle, smiling with a look of pity. "Very kind, Er-ge, but…forgive me. You must be joking." As Xichen looked up at him with a pitiful expression of pain, he only jammed the knife in deeper. "You couldn't think I would be satisfied with a virgin…?"

The pain in Xichen's expression actually lifted briefly as his face was entirely frozen in shock. He didn't even seem to be breathing for a moment. When he eventually moved, it was only to turn slowly away, and once there to remain staring blankly at the ground for several long seconds.

"Forgive me," he whispered breathlessly, and then got to his feet.

The eternally graceful man wobbled once on his way from Meng Yao's sitting room to his door, but then was gone in a flash. Meng Yao watched after him for a few moments to make sure he was not coming back.

He turned down to look at his own feet on the floor. As he absently pushed his toes together, he considered the vile hatred he held for every inch of himself, until his vision grew blurry. He curled into a ball and beat his fists against his legs with all the meager strength he had in him.

He stayed like this until the sky outside began to darken. Ruien must have found something engaging to occupy himself, as he was still not back yet. To clear his head and test his strength for when he would inevitably have to run from this place soon, Meng Yao put on a warm cloak and went to wander the complex.

From the way the disciples that he passed greeted him, some even as 'Lianfang-zun' still, it would seem that his presence here was no longer a secret. Which meant that now he was under the protection of the Lan. In other words, if someone wanted to kill him, it would make trouble for them. Even more so now, he would have to leave sooner rather than later.

As he wandered, his feet carried him unconsciously toward the Cold Chamber. He paused as he viewed it, just over a small ridge of trees from the walkway where he was. It would be so much harder to say goodbye to him this time than it had ever been before, he thought. He mentally drew up the imagined conversation to prepare himself for that inevitable pain.

He was about to turn away, but then his ears caught a soft, sorrowful sound. It was sobbing. And beneath it, a deep and unforgiving voice attempting to provide comfort, but obviously not succeeding. Fear filled up his chest as he realized there could only be two people making these sounds. He could not hold back to urge to approach closer.

"…I can't…I can't do that!"

Meng Yao's heart instantly shattered. It was indeed Xichen's voice sobbing. It cracked as he whimpered these words to the other person, who could only be his brother trying to comfort him.

"Xiong-zhang…" came Lan Wangji's voice, confirming Meng Yao's assumption. "…it will be all right," he said, unconvincingly.

Xichen continued to sob, a heart-wrenching sound as it was obvious he was trying but couldn't stop. "What can I do? I can't do that with someone else…and he will never be happy with me as I am…Wangji…the more time passes, the more I'm afraid. What if it's really hopeless?"

Meng Yao's head ached as his hot tears met the cold air on his face. But he couldn't move. He was so stricken by guilt and self-hatred that he felt frozen.

Hanguang-jun truly seemed to struggle to give his brother the slightest comfort. Likely he had already thought the same thing himself. Not to mention, Meng Yao was well aware that Lan Wangji had only known hopeless, one-sided love, and was in fact still right in the midst of it.

"I do not know," Wangji said eventually. "But I do not think it is hopeless. Lianfang-zun's word is not credible. This may be another deception."

Meng Yao almost chuckled. Hanguang-jun was brighter than most people gave him credit for.

"But…why?" Xichen murmured, his voice still broken.

"…perhaps he is still attempting to save you."

"Save….? From what?"

Lan Wangji let out a soft sigh. "Xiong-zhang…what exactly is the nature of your feelings for Lianfang-zun?"

Meng Yao suddenly felt deeply uncomfortable and wondered if he should leave. He was not meant to hear this. And yet…it was hard to protect Xichen without knowing the exact answer. Even now he only seemed upset, he didn't seem utterly heartbroken. Perhaps if he knew more he could think of a more effective strategy.

"…the nature?" Xichen repeated, seeming confused.

"I mean…is it such that you feel…everything a man can feel?"

Meng Yao blinked in shock. In the first place, he would not have thought Lan Xichen's younger and even more monkish brother capable of discussing this topic. In the second place, did he even want to hear the answer? Wasn't it just as bad either way?

Xichen sniffed, his sobbing finally subsiding. He said nothing.

Moments later, Wangji let out another soft sigh. "You are certain?"

Meng Yao's breath hitched. Had Xichen agreed?

As if in answer to this question, Xichen finally found his voice again and murmured, "Yes."

What was this feeling? Suddenly Meng Yao felt giddy; he could barely feel his feet under him. Hearing that Lan Xichen loved him was one thing. He admired everything about him to such an extreme degree that he even believed Xichen was capable of bestowing affection on the lowest of lifeforms, including himself. But to think he desired him sexually…

After all, what Nie Mingjue had said that night was true. The Lan were notoriously romantic, but also perhaps even more notoriously single-minded. What they felt for the one person that they chose was deep and all-encompassing. It was, as Lan Wangji said, everything a person could feel. But as much as the members of this sect were always courteous and polite with everyone, they could not force themselves to be attracted to more than one person, in all their lives. And Lan Xichen felt that…for Meng Yao.

"In that case…perhaps you can consult some books in the Forbidden Library for reference."

Meng Yao could not take anymore and had to quickly run back to his room. This time not from being moved or upset, but out of fear that he would burst out laughing at the sound of the stoic and pure Lan Wangji suggesting to his even more pure and innocent elder brother that he read some dirty books 'for reference.'

By the time he returned to his rooms, his amusement had faded. In its place was the weight of responsibility. Truly, everything he tried to push Lan Xichen away seemed only to hurt him, and did nothing to decrease his attentions. With this thought, something occurred to Meng Yao. Perhaps if pulling away did not work, it was time to try pushing.

Though it made him sick with guilt and worry to even contemplate, if he gave in to Xichen's desires – or at least appeared to – the pain in Xichen's heart might be eased. And soon enough, the glow of happiness from a new relationship would fade. He would realize what living with Meng Yao was really like. And surely then, once he found out who he truly was, he would give up. Meng Yao would make it very easy for him, feigning a similar loss of interest. They would part amicably. Could this work? It seemed very risky. But nothing else he tried seemed to do anything at all. He had already tried disappearing, and the result was Xichen hugging him with all his strength once found.

He waited for a time inside his room before venturing out again, returning to the spot he had been looking from earlier. Luckily, he spotted Lan Wangji leaving his brother's rooms a few minutes later. His heart pounded. His feet were frozen for a moment, his nerve deserting him. He had never tried to share even partially truthful feelings of affection with someone before. He found it more terrifying than anything he could think of.

He swallowed and approached the door to the Cold Chamber. With a shivering hand, though not from the cold, he knocked lightly twice.

From inside the room, a difficult breath, as if Xichen's airway were still impeded from having been crying. "Yes? Come in," he said in short succession, apparently assuming it was a disciple who needed his help.

Despite being quite certain he would have reacted differently if he had known who was at his door, Meng Yao took a deep breath and reluctantly opened the door, quickly closing it behind him to keep out the cold. From this entryway, Xichen still could not see him. He decided to make sure he was permitted here.

"Er-ge…forgive me for intruding."

A quick breath. Xichen got to his feet and appeared in the doorway between the two rooms, looking at Meng Yao with a difficult expression. "A-…" he began, but then the hope in his expression seemed to fade. No doubt his mind was still full of their last interaction.

With a stab of pain in his chest at the thought that he had caused this graceful creature to make such a hurt expression, Meng Yao tried again, "I don't mean to disturb you. If I'm not welcome, I'll-"

"Stay," Xichen said quickly. After a moment's silence, he said more softly, "Of course, you're welcome. Will you sit?"

Meng Yao nodded and followed him into the sitting room, taking a seat as Xichen indicated. Xichen sat rather stiffly for a few moments across from him. Eventually he seemed to come back to himself and poured them each a cup of tea. Meng Yao gratefully accepted the warm cup to have something to occupy his still slightly shaking hands.

But now having made the bold decision to come here, he found himself quite lost for how to begin. He noticed Xichen glancing worriedly at him, clearly wondering why he was here. He realized it must start with an apology and at least a partial explanation for his earlier behavior.

"Er-ge…about earlier…I must apologize. My words were unforgivable."

Xichen at first seemed moved by this, but soon enough, sadness overtook his expression again. He numbly shook his head. "Hardly…I am ashamed I brought it up. You were right to mock me."

Meng Yao closed his eyes to endure the pain that he had caused. "No. I was entirely at fault. And moreover…they were not even true."

Xichen's gaze slowly turned on him. He seemed reluctant to hope, understandable after Meng Yao's consistent behavior toward him. "To clarify…which aspect…?"

Meng Yao swallowed, feeling heat rising to his cheeks. Albeit this was the image he intended to convey, it actually happened against his will. But rather than potentially embarrass Xichen by being precise, he simply explained, "For a long time, I have been intentionally driving you away. The reason is not important. But I have realized that something I did with the intention of protecting you has only been causing you pain."

He calculated that he should meet Xichen's eyes at this point to express his sincerity. But his eyes felt hot. He feared he would cry if he looked at him. His gaze somewhere in the vicinity of Xichen's knee, he said quietly, "To be brief…I cannot go another day with you thinking that…there could be some human being on this earth who is capable of going without falling in love with Lan Xichen. And if there is…it is not Meng Yao."

A long silence followed. Meng Yao was too afraid to look up and gauge Xichen's expression. But after a moment, he heard a shaking breath. Xichen reached out and grasped Meng Yao's hand comfortingly. His heart felt tightly squeezed at this tender gesture. And then it nearly broke as the same hand reached up and softly stroked his cheek, encouraging him to finally meet Xichen's eyes. But his brief moment of happiness instantly faded as he saw tears running down Xichen's cheeks. And despite a soft smile, it was clear they were not happy ones.

"No…no, A-Yao. You don't need to do this."

Meng Yao blinked back at him, stunned and unable to speak, as he slowly understood exactly what Xichen must mean by that. And the true cost of his previous attempts to deny this person whatever small happiness he might be able to give him.

"I would never abandon you just because you can't return my feelings," Xichen continued, tears dripping steadily down his beautiful face. "There's no favor to be returned or bargain to be made. You are here because I cannot bear your loss. I'm sorry."

Meng Yao still could not speak. He could barely process what he was hearing. Not only that Xichen's selfless devotion went even deeper than he thought, but that his attempts to protect him had only succeeded in convincing Lan Xichen that Meng Yao could never love him. What had he done? And how could he possibly fix this?