I have been told that I should give trigger warnings for this chapter, which I suppose is fair enough, given the subject matter.

WARNING: Don't read this chapter if references to self-harm are something you find upsetting or potentially triggering.

Imbroglio (It's Complicated)

The next day, Katarina invited Sienna to join them for tea. When Maria saw her that afternoon, waiting by the steps which led up to her beloved's apartment, she was a jittery bundle of nerves, looking as if she might faint at any moment. Considering that under normal circumstances she was bold, confident and obnoxious, it seemed rather out of character for her to be so skittish.

"H-hi, Maria," she said, squinting up at her, shivering like a kitten in the cold. She rubbed her arm as though she had an itch, but the long sleeves of her dress prevented her from scratching it. Also, she seemed to be wearing rather too much strong perfume, which almost made Maria want to retch when she got too close to the source of it.

Taking pity on her, the young light mage guided her to sit down on the bottom step. "Are you feeling unwell?" she asked, sitting down beside her and putting an arm around her. "Feverish? I might be able to help with that. It should be fairly simple to cure–"

She realised that, most likely, Sienna was suffering from an acute case of anxiety, but thought that it might help her to invent a fictitious illness which light magic would be able to treat. It could be a useful distraction while she was trying not to think about her real fears.

Fortunately, irritation seemed to do the trick almost as well: "No! Y-you must know the real reason why I'm in such a state! This is the first time Katarina has… the first time…" Sienna took a few shaky breaths. "It's been nearly five months since she acknowledged my existence! How am I supposed to feel about that?!"

"I told her about you," Maria admitted. "She said that because you knew so much about her – because she had confessed so many of her secrets and fantasies to you – she couldn't bear to be around you after what Prince Jeord did to her."

"But she forgave him. Weeks ago, she forgave him. And since then, they've been walking around in public, arm-in-arm, looking like the happily-betrothed couple they always pretended to be. But what about me? When was she planning to forgive me?"

"What have you done to need forgiveness?" Maria asked.

The sidelong glance which her not-really-a-friend gave her was tinged with some of her usual irreverence. "Would you like an itemized list?"

"Have you hurt or embarrassed Katarina in any way?"

Sienna shook her head, flinging her chestnut brown hair – dyed the exact same colour as that of the woman she loved – from side to side, whipping Maria with it in the process. "No, but there are things I must say to her. I need her to understand…" She paused, suddenly gasping for breath. "I... I only hope that I don't go too far. But I know that I might."

"You don't need to be forgiven for something which you haven't done yet. Just don't do it," said Maria, determinedly ignoring the hair storm beating down on her face.

"I hurt so much," said Sienna. "I need her to know that. I need her to understand how I feel."

Maria hesitated, unsure of what to say to that. "It doesn't sound to me like you have done anything which she would need to forgive you for," she said at last. "Rather, I think that she should beg your forgiveness for abandoning you four and a half months ago."

"Mmm. Katarina on her knees, begging me to forgive her. What a lovely image. Thank you for that."

"You're incorrigible," said Maria with a chuckle. "Still, it's good to see you back to your old self."

"Why are you so nice to me?" asked Sienna. "I've been horrible to you."

"I didn't like it when you took my first kiss, or when you implied that I was a whore, or when you dragged me into a broom cupboard and made me late for my next lesson. However, despite Katarina's best efforts, there are remarkably few students at this school who would deign to speak to me at all if she wasn't breathing down their necks. At least you've never looked down on me for being a commoner. You're infuriating, sometimes, but you've always treated me the same as you would anyone else. And even at your worst, you've never done me any permanent harm."

"That was your first kiss? I'm sorry…" Sienna looked away, abashed. "I suppose everything I've been told about commoner girls was a pack of lies."

"I am a pure and innocent maiden and I am sure that I don't want to know what you've been told about commoner girls," Maria said tartly. "Especially not if you've been listening to any of the young men at this school boasting about their non-existent sexual prowess."

"How do you know it's non-existent? Have you been putting them to the test?"

"If they felt secure in their manhood, they wouldn't need to brag about it – or what they do with it. For instance, everyone knows that Katarina's brother, Keith, is a master seducer, but he never boasts. He doesn't need to."

Next to her, Sienna tittered. "Hee hee, this is nice. It's just like old times, way back when…" Her voice died away.

Maria took her hand in hers. "Shall we go upstairs together? I'm sure Katarina is waiting for us by now."

With a nod, swallowing her anxiety, Sienna said, "Yes, let's."

Hand-in-hand, they ascended the stairs. The door opened before either of them could knock.

"I saw the two of you sitting together. How sweet," said Katarina, standing framed in the doorway. Then, looking her former friend up and down, she did a double take. "Sienna! What on earth have you done with your hair?"

"I… thought you might like it," Sienna said shyly.

"I don't! You had such lovely hair!" Katarina tutted. "Why would you dye it to look like mine: plain and ordinary?"

"I'm going to shave it all off," Sienna promised her.

"That's your prerogative, but I don't think you should. Couldn't you bleach it and then let it grow back naturally?" Indicating her black dress with its silver trimmings, Katarina said, "I realise that I started a new fashion, but did you need to follow it so slavishly? And you are wearing far too much perfume! What did you do, douse yourself with it?"

"May we come in?" asked Maria, in an attempt to distract her patroness's attention away from Sienna, who looked on the verge of tears.

"Of course! Where are my manners?" said Katarina, backing away to let them in. "Come in, sit down, and make yourselves at home."

They did so. Maria took her usual seat. Sienna sat next to her, a fact which didn't go unnoticed by their host.

"You two are adorable together," said Katarina with a fond smile. "Are you sure that I am the one you wish to court, Maria?"

"Sienna is my friend and needs my support, which I'm happy to give her. But you're the one I love," Maria said firmly. "It's not the same."

"Hmm." The woman who held her heart gave her a significant glance, then turned to the quivering girl sitting next to her. "Sienna, I have been told that you are in love with me as well. What exactly should I do with this information?"

"Whatever you want, it's up to you," was Sienna's reply. She scratched her arm, running her fingers up and down over the soft fabric of her sleeve.

Katarina sighed. "Maria, I feel as if you have shown me a sumptuous buffet and then told me that I can only have one dish. Can I not at least sample the others?"

"What you choose to do is up to you," said Maria, glancing anxiously at Sienna, who had gone so beet red that she looked as if she might burst. "But keep in mind, I have a choice as well. I refuse to be just another one of your many conquests."

"How many conquests do you imagine that I have had?" Katarina gave a hollow laugh. "I spent nearly a decade pining for Jeord. Until a few months ago, I never even considered the possibility that I could be with anyone else. Am I not entitled to a little excitement in my life, now that I am free?"

"I can't – and won't – stop you from doing anything you want to do. All I can do is try to win you for myself."

"You take all the fun out of this teasing, Maria," Katarina said crossly. "What about you, Sienna? I don't suppose you'd be averse to sharing, would you?"

A cacophonic coughing and spluttering noise was the only answer she received. Maria supposed that it was a mercy that no one had yet started drinking tea.

Their hostess smirked. "I think Sienna liked that idea."

"I wish you wouldn't tease her," said Maria. "She was very brave in coming here today."

"Oh, all right," said Katarina with a huff. She busied herself with pouring cups of tea for each of them, then said, "Have a macaron, if you like." After she'd taken one for herself, it fully occupied her attention for a few moments while she was munching it, which gave Maria some time to organize her thoughts.

"Katarina, I know that Sienna has missed having you as a friend," she said. "And I'm sure that you've missed having such a devoted friend by your side. But I think she deserves an apology first, don't you?"

"Very well. I am sorry that I have ignored you for the past few months," said Katarina, gazing at where her former friend was sitting. "I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

Eyes downcast, Sienna refused to meet her gaze. "Do you… do you understand what you did to me? I was so worried about you." She picked up her cup of tea, but was trembling so badly that she immediately put it down again for fear that she would spill it. Rubbing her arm again, she murmured, "I thought…"

"Jeord hurt me terribly, but I'm fine now. There is no need for you to worry."

"You're still betrothed to him. I don't doubt that he thinks that you're going to marry him soon," said Sienna. "Perhaps he has already started sending out wedding invitations."

"I told him that I wanted us to be friends again, no more than that."

Rolling her eyes, Sienna said, "I'm sure that's what you meant to say. It may not be what you actually said, or what he heard. You are very good at making people misunderstand your intentions."

"Oh, I know that!" Smiling ruefully, Katarina shot a quick glance at Maria. "Even so, I am not worried about Jeord. Leave him to me."

"If we did that, I fear that you would be married to him and your belly would be swelling with child before you remembered why you had been so eager to leave him," Sienna said sardonically. "A few years ago, you would have been boasting for weeks if he'd given you even the slightest hint of affection. He has always been a weakness of yours."

"Do you have so little regard for my intellect?" asked Katarina, amused.

"I don't doubt your intellect," said Sienna, shaking her head. "Just your self-control."

"I am sure that I should be very offended," said Katarina in a mock-affronted tone.

"Why? Because I've been speaking honestly to you?"

"Is it normal for young ladies to start insulting their hostess after they've been invited in for tea? If so, it is an element of noble etiquette which I completely neglected when I was teaching Maria how to be a queen."

Sienna raised both eyebrows, looked askance at Maria, and then sighed wearily. "I didn't mean to insult you or to make you feel insulted. All I want is… I want you to be happy and safe. I couldn't bear it if you were married to someone who hurt you like Jeord did." She continued to rub her arm. It seemed to have become a nervous tic for her.

"Come here," said Katarina, holding out her arms and offering her a hug.

Sienna got up and eagerly accepted this kind offer. However, just as they were about to embrace, Katarina instead grabbed onto her former friend's wrist, rolling back her sleeve to see what she had been scratching. When she did so, there were two gasps: one of horror, the other of outrage.

"Maria, come quickly!" cried Katarina in a voice filled with alarm. "Look at this!"

Just before Sienna snatched her arm away, a look of utter betrayal on her face, Maria saw the rows of neat little cuts all along her arm, which Katarina's bold manoeuvre had exposed. Some of them were old, having faded to unsightly scar tissue. Others were red and oozing, possibly infected. She had initially thought that the erratic young woman had worn an excessive amount of perfume in a misguided attempt to impress the woman she loved, but now she realised that the real reason was much less endearing.

"I can't believe that you would manipulate me like that!" Sienna shrieked.

"I was concerned for you! How could you do that to yourself?" asked Katarina, pale with worry. "At least, I assume that you must have that to yourself, unless… has anyone else been hurting you?"

"No! The reason I did this…" A wretched expression marred Sienna's face. "It was because of you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You went to Jeord, planning to bind him to you forever with your incredible lovemaking skills," said Sienna, bitterly sarcastic. "After that, everything changed. You'd been besotted with him since you were a little girl, but… overnight, you suddenly seemed to hate him. Therefore, you got rid of your old dresses and jewellery and anything else which reminded you of him. Even me. I was your best friend. You shared all your secrets with me, all your dreams of how you would finally manage to capture the heart of your handsome prince…" Sienna paused. Her eyes filled with tears. "So, when at last you abandoned those dreams, you did the same to me."

"I'm sorry," said Katarina in a voice choked with anguish. "I didn't mean–"

"No. You didn't think of me at all. You don't care about me, not really. When you were having your little tiff with Jeord, I assumed that he must have done something horrible to you. I thought that you'd been raped, or tortured, or… or…" Sienna let out a muffled sob. Tears dripped down her face. "I thought that he'd forced you to do something repulsive and humiliating. What else was I supposed to think? One day, you were passionately in love with him; the next, you couldn't stand the sight of him. And I… I blamed myself, as if I could have saved you!"

"And that is when you started cutting yourself," Maria surmised, handing her a handkerchief with which to mop up her tears.

Sienna hesitated. She took the offered handkerchief and dabbed her face with it. "Well, that's not entirely true. I had done it a few times before. Because I feel so conflicted sometimes. There are things I hate about myself. And I'm such a disappointment to my family. But what she did…" She pointed an accusing finger at Katarina. "She made it a thousand times worse!"

Maria thought that Sienna was being very unfair, but it wouldn't have helped her to say that, so she said nothing.

"I don't see how you can blame me for any of this!" their hostess protested. "How could I have known?"

"If you paid attention to anyone other than yourself, you might have," Sienna said harshly, dropping the scrunched-up handkerchief on the floor. "I imagined that such awful things had happened to you, while all the time you were perfectly fine! It's just that Jeord didn't worship you as much as you felt you deserved–"

"You know nothing about what Jeord did to me," said Katarina in a voice like winter's icy gale.

"Because you haven't told anyone! If you don't talk to people, of course they're going to draw their own conclusions!"

They glared at each other for a moment. Maria hastily tried to head off the furious argument she could tell was brewing between them. "But why do you hurt yourself?" she asked. "What do you gain from it?"

"It feels good. I can feel all my worry and pain oozing out through the holes in my body," said Sienna. "It's the only thing that helps."

"It's not that I don't care about you," Katarina tried again, "it's just that my mind has been occupied with too many other things."

"Because I am not important to you. I mean less to you than this chair, or that teapot, or–" Sienna cast her gaze around, searching for something else she could use as an example. "–that decorative spittoon."

"Oh, is that what it is?" said Katarina the easily-distracted, glancing at it. "I always thought that it was an oddly-shaped vase."

"I'm going now," Sienna decided. "I don't want to see you anymore."

"Ever?" asked Maria, dismayed that her plan to repair her friends' friendship had failed so disastrously.

"No. Just not right now."

Maria nodded. As Sienna was traipsing towards the door, she approached her and said, "May I have your permission to heal you?"

For a moment, it seemed that Katarina's prickly former friend would refuse, but then her expression softened. "Yes. Thank you," she replied.

She stayed as still as if she were made of stone while Maria channelled light magic to heal her most recent wounds. There was little she could do about the cuts which had already scarred over, but perhaps in time… Well, she didn't know what she would be able to do eventually. There was much she had yet to learn.

Sienna sighed contentedly as she was healed. She leaned closer, so that her lips were barely an inch away from Maria's. For a moment, Maria thought that she was about to kiss her. But she didn't. Instead, she turned to glare at Katarina. "You have a lovely girlfriend. Be grateful for that. You'd better take good care of her, or I might steal her from you."

"I had thought that was already your intention," said Katarina with a raised eyebrow, looking bemused.

Sienna departed without another word. She looked as though she was about to slam the door behind her, but at the last moment she restrained herself.

"Perhaps you should go with her," said Katarina. "Make sure that she doesn't do anything foolish."

Maria glanced at her, not wanting to leave her while she looked so distraught, but recognized the wisdom of her words. She slowly nodded. "I'll be back soon," she promised.

She quickly caught up with Sienna, who was wandering aimlessly through the school grounds. "May I escort you back to your room?" she asked, holding out a hand.

"I suppose," came the reply. "I don't know where else I can go."

They walked in the direction of Sienna's lodgings, which were much less plush than Katarina's apartment: barely more salubrious than the run-down hall of student residence where Maria's room was, which was scheduled to be demolished in a few years' time.

When they had almost reached their destination, Sienna broke down and began to weep. Maria put an arm around her and gently guided her to a bench where she could sit down. For a while, she sat beside her, listening to her friend's heartbroken wailing, holding her, rubbing her back and trying to reassure her.

"I… I've ruined everything," said Sienna in a small voice, when at last she could speak without bursting into yet another fit of sobs. "I never dared to speak to Katarina like that before. She probably hates me now."

"She doesn't hate you," Maria told her. "She knows that you're not well. What you said to her was uncalled-for, but I don't see any reason why she should hate you for it."

"I'm sorry," Sienna mumbled.

"I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

"Right…"

Seeing that Sienna was blinking back a fresh wave of tears, Maria said, "It doesn't have to be today. Take some time to rest and recover your strength."

"I should go… back to my room," said Sienna, getting up.

Maria followed her. "If you hurt yourself, I will heal you," she promised. "I wish you wouldn't, but I'm aware that some bad habits can be difficult to break. Earlier, you said… you hoped that Katarina would take good care of me. Well, I hope that you will take good care of yourself."

"Thank you," Sienna whispered. Taking out the key to her room, she unlocked the door, flung it open, scurried inside, and then shut it behind her.

Maria was tempted to knock on the door, demand to be let in, and then go around the room divesting it of anything which Sienna might use to hurt herself. However, that would be an invasion of privacy, would make her friend feel even worse, and wouldn't prevent her from self-harm if she was really determined to do it. For example, there were plenty of sharp knives and other potentially dangerous objects in the school kitchens, which none of the students were expressly forbidden from entering.

Should she inform a member of staff, or even the student council, so that people in authority were made aware of Sienna's issues and could possibly get her the help she needed? She knew that it would be the sensible thing to do. If she helped to hide the fact that there was a problem, it would do nothing to help and might even make the situation worse, for which she would be culpable. However, she decided against it for two reasons: firstly, it would be a betrayal of trust; secondly, if members of the faculty were informed, they would be duty-bound to let Sienna's parents know. As she already seemed to have a strained relationship with them, doing so could get her into serious trouble.

Besides, from everything Maria had read around the subject – as a light mage, it benefited her to know as much as possible about medicine and human health – she was under no illusions that a qualified doctor would do anything to help Sienna other than to say, "Pull yourself together, woman!" In many ways, she was on her own.

Heading back to Katarina's apartment, she found her dearest friend waiting for her. "How is she?" she was asked.

"As well as can be expected, I suppose," Maria replied. "I wish that I knew how to help her."

"I never meant to hurt her," Katarina said guiltily.

"I know. It was unfair of her to blame you. She said sorry for that, by the way. She knows that what she did was wrong. I expect that she'll apologize to you in person when she feels up to it."

"She was right about some things: I have been selfish; I wasn't thinking about her at all."

"After what Prince Jeord did to you – whatever he did to you – I'm sure you had other things to worry about. You couldn't possibly have known what effect your sudden change in behaviour would have on Sienna. It was an honest mistake." Maria sighed. "Under the circumstances, I sympathize with both of you. What a mess!"

Katarina burst into tears. She flung herself into Maria's arms, sobbing into her bosom. "I… I told myself I would… do better this time," she said in a voice so heavy with emotion that her words could barely be distinguished. "I didn't want to hurt anyone again. But I did! No matter what I do… I can't seem to stop hurting people!"

For the second time that afternoon, Maria's arms were full of weeping woman. She rubbed Katarina's back and made soothing noises. "It wasn't your fault, but I appreciate that you want to do the right thing," she said, after some thought. "I know it can be difficult. I'll help you as much as I can."

Lifting her head, Katarina kissed her soundly on the lips. She tasted of salt and the macarons she'd been comfort-eating. After a moment's indecision, Maria pulled away. "This isn't a good time."

"When will it be?" asked the woman she loved, rather plaintively. "When?"

"I'll think of something," Maria promised her. "Someday soon, I'll make you very happy."

Katarina rolled her eyes and gave a not-very-ladylike snort. "I will hold you to that."

"Good," said Maria, hugging her a little tighter. "You should. Don't let me get away with being lazy or thoughtless. You deserve the best that I can give you."

"Such a romantic," Katarina murmured, stroking her neck.

Author's Note:
By the way, I don't recommend doing what Maria does in this chapter by not telling anyone in authority about Sienna's condition. She lives in the fictional kingdom of Sorcier, where I doubt that their understanding of mental health issues is even up to Victorian standards. As a woman who is gay and has mental health issues, I think that Sienna would be treated very badly by the men in white coats if she was brought to their attention. At best, they would lock her in a room on her own with nothing to do but stare at the horrible yellow wallpaper. At worst… you don't want to know.

However, in the real world, if you or someone you know is self-harming, please seek professional help. There are trained medical professionals who know how to deal with a situation like this, but they can't help with something they don't know about.

I hope that this chapter wasn't too upsetting for anyone, but it's something I've been building up to for a long time. Actually, I think it should be pointed out that many things in this chapter were based on my own experiences of depression and mental illness. Like, when Sienna says, "I feel so conflicted sometimes. There are things I hate about myself. And I'm such a disappointment to my family." That reminds me very much of how I felt, at my lowest point. So please… be kind.

Thanks to Palhinhaea (on AO3) and Mariagoner for discussing this chapter with me in advance, to jadebenn (on AO3) for his insightful comments on the first draft, and to dapnibonana (on AO3) for her suggestions on how to rewrite it. Thank you very much all of you!