Chapter 14 - Love Bites
Mac stepped into her apartment at a time far later than she thought she'd get home. The flight from California had been delayed and she opted to take a cab directly from the airport rather than have Harm pick her up at some ungodly hour.
It was half past midnight when she dropped the small carry-on on top of her coffee table and stripped as she ambled into her room. Mac half expected to find Harm in her bed sleeping soundly or patiently waiting for her arrival. Instead it was empty and she frowned at the thought of sleeping alone. The urge to call him was tempered by her internal clock slowly ticking away the seconds and counting down until morning when she was sure to see him.
In a way, Mac hated this part of falling in love, the hours they were apart, the times when she realized she may have needed him but was far too independent to ask. She needed to stop doing that, needed to let him in more than ever because she loved him. And he loved her, he had to, right?
They'd been mostly inseparable since this thing began; alternating nights between his place or hers. As she unmade the bed, her hand lightly grazed the burgundy sheets and a smile tugged at her lips as she remembered the first time they spent at his place.
He and Jordan were done but in the rash of heading TAD to a carrier, Harm hadn't had a chance to change the sheets he left the other woman sleeping in. Clearly, Jordan wasn't keen on the idea either as the evidence of the last night they spent together was clear on the messy bed and the long blond hair on one of the pillows. Mac wasn't upset especially given the sudden way they simply came together as if it were always meant to be so. She did suffer a small pang of jealousy but that quickly erased as Harm became a frantic mess. "Don't go in there."
Too late. She'd seen the sheets on her way to the bathroom and saw a certain discarded wrapper on his night table. Harm became a frantic mess. He paled and quickly yanked the bedding off the mattress, his cheeks burning crimson with a combination of shame and embarrassment. "God Mac, I'm an idiot...I'll even burn the mattress if you want."
His comment actually made her laugh out loud because Mac could imagine him tossing it down the escape ladder, a mass of cloth, foam and springs hurling through the air after being set ablaze. "Let's go back to your place. This is wrong. I don't do this."
He was still frantic, grabbing extra sheets and tossing the others in the garbage instead of the hamper. It was her hand on the center of his back that calmed Harm and both sat on the edge of his bed, her hand intertwined in his.
"Did you love her?" She asked although inside she knew the answer.
"No. I wanted to but...no."
Do you love me? She almost asked but decided not to push her luck. They hadn't been together for longer than a day and this was all some sort of miracle; the stars which aligned for them. "I'm not mad at you, Harm. Things happen. But, if you want to go back to my place…"
They didn't. She helped him flip over the mattress, change the sheets and then they simply slept eventually reaching for eachother in the middle of the night. It was raw and new, Mac figured she would take what she could from him because one day he'd come to his senses.
Now, two months later Mac couldn't imagine ever being this happy. And it was okay that he couldn't say the words. They would come when the time was right for him and mean far more than Harm just repeating them back because she said them first.
She took a quick shower and then dropped into bed immediately reaching for the pillow on his side. Her nose buried into it and she inhaled his scent that still lingered. God she loved that smell, spicy and masculine, it was like therapy and warmth wrapped up into one. Moments later she fell asleep.
In the morning she awoke to the smell of bacon and coffee to find Harm in her kitchen whipping up a quick breakfast. He looked at home in her place, even began leaving a few things like clothes, uniforms and toiletries. She liked finding his toothbrush next to hers along with his razor and that aftershave that made her want him so badly. "Most people break in and steal things, you break in and make me breakfast." Mac wrapped her arms around him from behind and pressed a kiss on the center of his spine.
"You never called." He chastised.
"I called you when we landed. After that, I got in too late. Pretty much took a shower and just knocked out curdled up with your pillow. It wasn't the same as having you here but I made do." She grinned sheepishly. No, it wasn't the same as having his warm body wrapped around hers but, Mac slept well.
"Mmm hmmm. You still should have called." Harm said in a scolding tone, despite turning so he could press a kiss on her lips. "How'd it go?"
"Good. Better than I thought. The headstone is beautiful, if that's the appropriate description for such a thing." And a little more elaborate than Joe MacKenzie probably deserved but, he was a Marine once and a good one that had seen so much it tainted the rest of his life. She felt it needed to be honored. Mac snagged a slice of bacon and chewed on it, savoring the salty, smokey goodness. For a guy that is practically a vegetarian, the man knew how to make bacon properly. "Not that I mind breakfast but I'd thought I'd see you in the office."
It was then that Mac picked up on something… off. He wasn't cold with her but Harm wasn't himself either. Normally he would be a little more amorous, a little more touchy but while her arm was still wrapped around his middle, his body felt rigid. They'd only been apart for two days but, she knew from experience that there was plenty of time for things to go wrong and the insecure part of her heart began to worry until eventually, the silence in her kitchen stretched. "What's wrong?"
""Why does anything have to be wrong?" He answered too quickly because he was covering up for something and had been for quite some time, she knew. "Can't a guy make his girl some breakfast?"
"Sure if he slept over. This is a little out of your way."
"Your place is on the way to work."
"Not really unless you were taking the scenic route today."
That was when he spun around on her, wooden spoon in hand that had just been fuffying the scrambled eggs. His eyes went dark and his measured tone of voice went up a few notches to an almost angry, accusatory sound. "Hey if you don't want me here I'll go. I was just trying to do something nice for you."
"Woah. I didn't say that." It was the touch of her hand that calmed him, a brush of her fingers over his bare forearm because his uniform shirt was rolled up so it would not get dirty. She saw his breath catch and hitch, his chest depressing as a woosh of air came out of his lungs. Every sense of apprehension squeezed her heart and Mac hated this new feeling - the feeling of falling. "Harm, I love you being here. But… something is off. I can feel it."
"It's fine."
"Is this too much? We can tone it down...Spend more time apart if you need that."
"No...I like this...us." Harm finished the eggs and spooned some into each plate. She followed him out of the kitchen to the dinning table which he had set before she woke up. There was even a single yellow rose inside a small vase, those small touches that normally warmed her heart. They ate in silence and between sips of coffee Harm finally found the courage to speak. "Okay. I need to talk to you about something and I don't think you're gonna like it."
Mac almost wished he wouldn't have cooked her anything. The eggs that were digesting in her stomach felt like lead and the swallow of coffee lodged itself in her throat. She felt a fine sheen of sweat on her skin and a shiver up her spine that she tried to hide. "Tell me."
"I had my eyes fixed, Mac. I can see at night again."
"When?"
"You were in California attending to your father."
His admission hurt. Not that he had gone to get his eyes fixed but that he hadn't told her and almost went behind her back to fix his eyes. It felt like a betrayal although Mac wondered if she even had a right to feel like that. It was his life, they weren't married and dating for such a short time really didn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. But, it still hurt more than she wanted to dwell on. "You had a major surgery and didn't tell me?"
Harm snorted. "A triple bi-pass is a major surgery, Mac. This was like getting my teeth cleaned."
"I tell you when I got to the dentist." She deadpanned staring at him as if there were more he wanted to say. "Did it work?"
"Like a dream."
Her heart fell at that very moment, slamming into the pit of her stomach and being devoured by the acid. Any happiness she felt that moment evaporated like it never existed and Mac wished like hell that she could go back in time and stop things from happening. And then there was the look in his eyes - shining and bright, glowing to match the grin that tugged the corners of his mouth. He was happy, rightfully so and she was anything but because she'd lived through one of his obsessions and almost died because of her loyalty to him. This was wrong and he just didn't see it. "You are trying to head back to a carrier aren't you?"
"No."
"No?"
"Yes. Well, I'm trying to figure it out…. Mac, wait."
She stood up toppling the chair she sat on which crashed to the carpeted ground with a muffled thud. Mac took several steps away from the table keeping her back to him as she tried to stifle the negative words she wanted to yell at him. Each ragged breath calmed her nerves but only slightly so because the feeling of loss was rooting itself within her soul. Everyone leaves. She thought, wondering not for the first time if she was cursed somehow. "I knew this was too good to be true. Too easy."
"It doesn't have to change things, you know?"
"Doesn't it? You already get to fly, Harm. You have a foothold in two worlds. Why can't you leave it at that? Why isn't that enough?"
"I thought, out of all people you'd be the one to understand."
"I do! You know that I do, I just…" She turned to him then, her eyes soft and pleading because besides the feeling of abandonment there was something else, that sensation that something would go wrong - that he wouldn't come back. "You can't do this. You can't."
"Why?
"Because lit means that flying is more important than JAG. More important than your friends and family... More important than…" Me. She couldn't say the word, wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing just how bereft this news would leave her or how vulnerable she currently felt.
"It is important. And things won't change between us. We'll still be together."
"When? While you're 7,000 miles away and I'm here?"
"Mac, I'm just looking at options, for now. I haven't decided." But, he had in fact decided. Various meetings were already set in place, conversations that needed to be had were completed. There was also his resignation - the change in designator sitting in his safe at work waiting to be signed and handed to Admiral Chegwidden. "Nothing is set in stone yet."
"Good!" Mac hadn't meant to sound so flippant but, that was exactly how it was perceived like the petulant child she'd told that priest she could be.
"Good? I'd thought you'd be happy for me. You more than anyone knows how important this is to me."
"I do know but have you thought about this? Really thought about the fact that we'll be apart most of the time. Six months? Less if you aren't stationed in Norfolk or some place nearby."
"Let me worry about that."
"Why do either of us have to worry about it? Where are you going?" Mac asked when Harm stood from the table and grabbed her half eaten plate of food.
"To make you more eggs. You barely touched these and I know you, pretzels on the plane do not count as food."
She followed behind and pressed the refrigerator door with her hand so that he would not open it. "Harm. Just go, I'll see you at the office."
He stood there staring at her, this wasn't quite the way Harm thought she would take the news. Of course, he figured she'd be bothered by it somewhat but by the way she was standing with her hands on her hips - it was a sign of anger and defiance that he wasn't ready for. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Mac would have laughed if this wasn't such a serious topic. As it was, she already felt like balling up her fist and hitting him as hard as possible. Instead, she folded her arms against her chest and sighed. "No. God, no. But, I need time to process this."
A warm hand came up and pressed against her cheek and despite herself Mac leaned into his touch, closing her eyes when his thumb brushed over her lower lip. "I don't wanna hurt you, Sarah."
"I told you not to call me that and you shouldn't have gone behind my back."
"Let's just sit down and talk."
She pulled his hand away from her cheek, if he wasn't touching her she could think rationally about her decision if there was even one to make. Mac wasn't willing to walk out on him, not over this when she knew deep inside that this was just another obsession of his that he would grow tired of. Sadly, she couldn't help but wonder if he'd grow tired of her much the same way. "We've talked and I know that nothing I will say will stop you from going but, you need to give me time to think."
"I'm sorry."
"I'll be okay. It's just… everyone I love leaves me." She said the words so softly Mac wondered if he even heard them. Without warning, he swept her into his arms, an act that finally broke her and made a tear fall from her eye. She didn't resist his hold, simply sank into the warm embrace that was now so familiar.
"Oh Mac, I'm not leaving you." I love you. The damned words still wouldn't come. He just couldn't say them no matter how hard he tried.
"But you are. I guess I'll just have to be a little braver. A little stronger."
It took a little longer for them to separate and Harm couldn't imagine it would hurt this much to give her a half truth. He hated seeing her cry especially when he was the man that put those tears there. As he slipped into his car he wondered how hard it would be to say goodbye to her and if he even had the courage to do so. His eyes moved up to look at her apartment window where she stood looking down at him.
"Damnit." The car was put in gear and he began maneuvering it towards Falls Church taking a longer way so that he could think. The only words that kept echoing in his mind were Jordan's and he began to realize that, perhaps, she was right.
'Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.'
'Eventually she's gonna tire of your Peter Pan ways.'He pointed the Lexus down M street stopping at the light that would lead him to cross the Key bridge. Harm fiddled with the radio trying to find a song that would get his mind off of flying but, most importantly, off of Mac. A familiar tune rang out through the speakers loudly and he started to whistle the melody but Jordan's voice broke through once again.'Let her have a life without having to wait for you.'
"Stop it!" He spoke to himself and raised the volume up as loud as it would go. A rock ballad was now playing, the guitars screaming through the vehicle as he crossed the bridge and headed towards headquarters.
'Don't hurt her...Let. Her. Go.'
By the time Harm pulled the car into his usual spot his mind was reeling, whirling a million miles an hour without stopping. Jordan was right, he realized although on the drive he tried to stop every negative comment with a rebuttal that fell short. Jordan had seen through something he really didn't want to dwell on - the fact that he would break Mac's heart.
This was already breaking his. A final tune played just before he shut off his car - the guitar chords of Def Leppard's "Love Bites."
"If you think you got love in your sights, watch out! Love bites."
And so he began avoiding her. It wasn't much but, when Mac came into his office with a peace offering - a small cup of fruit and some yogurt as a mid-morning snack, he politely refused stating that breakfast hadn't exactly sat well with him.
So she'd left dejected but determined to fix what she deemed was her fault. She was his girlfriend. She loved him and because of that Mac knew she needed to support this endeavor not be such a bitch over it. Understanding that this was the last shred that kept him close to his father made her double the effort to support him despite her heart breaking. And so around lunchtime she tried to get through to him again. "Wanna go to lunch? I'm buying."
His curtains were drawn, a sure sign that Harm wanted to be left alone but, she knocked and waited patiently and once allowed to enter, found him with his head in his computer and a stack of books that didn't quite look law related.
"Can't...busy." Harm wouldn't even look at her and she wondered what the hell had happened between the kiss goodbye he'd given her before leaving and the drive to work. It was like he was possessed by another man and she really didn't like the one that had taken his place.
"Okay. So come over tonight. I'm cooking and before you start, I can make a decent veggie lasagna. We can talk some more or just be."
When he did look up his eyes were unreadable, dark. They weren't happy or angry or held any other kind of emotion just dark and blank. "I can't tonight, Mac."
"I've upset you." She finally said, collapsing into his guest chair without an invitation. Mac's shoulders slumped and that normally tough Marine exterior crumbled. "I hate admitting this but, I have insecurities and the older I get the more they seem to fester. I want you to be happy. I just don't want to lose you as a result. Am I being selfish?"
Harm sighed, roughly punched two keys on his keyboard and then glanced at her. "I need to go visit my folks. I may have realized that after Russia I didn't exactly have much to say to my mother other than to tell her that dad wouldn't be coming home."
"Closure?"
He nodded. "Yeah, for the both of us. I hadn't thought that our little mission would have bothered her but, Frank told me it did because she began to wonder what it would be like if dad came back."
"She's happy with Frank."
"Yes and he told me she felt guilty over that although it was natural. I don't think I helped… It's only for a few days, if I get back early maybe we can uh… talk, I guess." Harm was lying to her although a visit to his parents would also be in the cards, he was heading to California for something else - to meet with Tom Boone who was currently stationed in Coronado and see how viable his options actually were. This time, it wasn't an omission but a bald face lie because if everything was favorable, he would break things off.
Jordan's words echoed in his mind again although it pained him to admit that she was right - the longer he and Mac spent together, the deeper the feelings would develop. He was already in too deep and he was afraid of just how much more hurt he could cause.
'Let her have a life without having to wait for you. Don't hurt her...Let. Her. Go.'
"Okay. I'll see you when you get back?" She seemed hopeful and even came around to press a kiss on his cheek.
"Yeah. When I get back."
'Let. Her. Go.'
Why did the right thing to do feel so wrong?