chapter sixteen

"Okay, the batter is really watery. Is it supposed to be like this? I thought it should've been thicker by now."

Embry Call was standing in the middle of his kitchen with cake batter in his hair and flour on his cheek. He held a spoon above the bowl and batter dripped off of it like water. "I don't know. Did you follow the directions I gave you?"

"I mean I thought I did, but now I can't remember if I added too much milk or not." I shot him a look. "Hey, you ate the cookies I made. You knew the skill level you were getting when you asked me to help."

I didn't really eat them. I tried, but they were pretty inedible (which, I guess, just enhanced his point). "Add some more flour."

"Don't you work at a bakery? I feel like it would've been easier to just buy something there," he said while he dumped an unmeasured amount of flour into his bowl.

I was cracking eggs into my own bowl and thinking about how out of everything I could've inherited from my mother I got her cooking abilities. "I'm sorry, do you want to spend fifty-dollars on some bullshit French cake when we could make a better one for like ten dollars?"

Embry started stirring and frowned into his bowl. "I don't know about better."

"You're making a vanilla cake. How hard can it be?"

"Well, how's the chocolate part doing?"

The batter in my bowl was thick and lumpy and was a little too reminiscent of mud. "It's brown, at least, so I'm doing that right."

"This is kind of pathetic, isn't it?" Embry said with a low laugh.

I stepped away from the kitchen counter and stood next to him at the table, placing my bowl next to his. Mine looked like clumps of dusty clay, and his looked like milk. He was right; it was pretty pathetic. "Well, what if we just like," I twisted my hands around together in an incomprehensible gesture, "what if we just mixed them together? Like I think that would be fine, right?"

"I don't know how much I can stress this point, but I literally have no idea."

I was already spooning my cake batter into his before he even finished his sentence. "Okay, I'm just doing it, then. God, I hate this so much," I said, furiously whipping the batter around. Once the two were all mixed up together my arm was sore but it almost looked acceptable. "There. That's fine enough, I think. Right?"

Embry dipped his whole finger into the batter and shoved it in his mouth. "I mean, it tastes fine."

"Quil better fucking appreciate this," I grumbled, trying to get all of the batter into the pan. "I don't think I've ever worked this hard at anything in my life."

Embry watched while I shuffled around his kitchen and threw the pan in the oven. "I don't think it would be possible for him to be mad at you if you're giving him a whole cake."

"I dunno," I said, taking a seat next to him at his kitchen table. "I did make him drive an hour to come get me and Bobby after midnight. And I was kind of a dick when you guys got there. Honestly, I'm impressed that you forgave me so easily."

"It's impossible for me to stay mad at you," Embry said with this strange look in his eyes that made me shiver.

And we were quite for a moment, just looking at each other. I was trying to figure out what it was about Embry that made me act so different than how I've always been, and how I wasn't even upset about it. When I was around him I let go of the tenseness in my features and limbs and I felt free of any need to act stronger than I felt. And I was trying to figure out what Embry was thinking when he stared at me with those eyes and that smile playing on his lips. But when the sound of the door opening and swinging shut cut into our moment, Embry jumped, expression shifting.

Embry's mother was thin and pretty with a long face and tight skin. Her eyes were deep-set into her head and heavy, and they narrowed at the sight of her son. "I didn't think you'd be home," she said with a familiar coolness in her voice. She didn't look at me.

"Hey, Mom," Embry said, sounding strained. "This is my friend, Remy."

I gave a small wave. "It's nice to meet you, ma'am."

She did the thing most people on this reservation do when they hear my name and piece together who I was. Her features tightened quizzically and then her face dropped when she figured out my last name. It was fine, I was used to it. And now that I was finally figuring out exactly who my brother was, I understood. But Embry was tense beside me. "Remy Cree?" she asked, and I nodded. She gave her son a sad look. "Oh, Embry."

But he didn't say anything when she shook her head and looked at me like I was the last thing she wanted in her house. She turned around, disappeared into some room. And I didn't want to call Embry's mom a bitch, but I sure did think it a couple times.

"Alright," I mumbled, mostly too myself. I glanced over at Embry, looking for some sort of explanation about his mom. But he was still, jaw locked and shoulders trembling, the same way Jared always looked whenever I spoke to him. "Dude," I said, placing a hand on his arm, "are you good?"

At my touch, the trembling stopped, but there was still anger clear all over his face. "I don't like the way people think about you, or the things they say about your family," he said after a moment.

"Well, it could be worse," I said with a shrug, "you could be me, and then everyone's mom would hate you."

"You don't seem that bothered by it."

"Why would I be? It has no affect on me either way. And it's not like what they're saying isn't mostly true," I reasoned. "Besides, me being upset about it isn't gonna stop it. It's easier not to care."

Embry leaned back into his chair. "It stills bothers me. And I don't want my own mom thinking that way about my, I mean, I don't want her thinking that way about you. It's not fair. She can just be," he paused, rubbing his face with his hands.

I watched him carefully, studying the way he crossed his arms tightly and lips thin. "Mommy issues?" I asked, and he flicked his eyes over me. "It's okay, I have them too."

He must have been so uncomfortable with the way the conversation shifted over to him, and his eyes were tight. "It wasn't always like this. Things have just been hard lately. I have a lot of obligations she doesn't understand. I'm not really doing anything wrong or bad, I don't think. But it's not like I could tell her that. She thinks I'm in like a drug ring or something like that."

"Yeah, throwing my name in there probably doesn't help, either," I joked, and Embry glared at me for a second. "That sucks, though. She's probably just super worried about you. It's always hard for moms when their kids get older, and even worse when they feel like they can't control them anymore. And I'm sure the Satanic cult isn't helping."

"Not a Satanic cult."

I pursed my lips. "Yeah, I thought that one might be a long-shot."

Embry threw an arm over my shoulder and pulled me into his side, and I rested my head on his shoulder. It was such a casual movement. It almost felt like nothing to me, simple like breathing. His fingers tangled in the ends of my hair. "I like your nose ring by the way. It's very cute."

"Thanks. I made Bobby do it when I was mad at you."

I was sure that made him roll his eyes. He chuckled. "How was Bobby's last night?"

"It was fine. We had a drug orgy."

"You're not funny," Embry said, gently flicking the edge of my jaw.

I smiled. "Nah, it was nice though. I never really had big slumber parties when I was a kid. I imagine that it would be like that, but instead of talking about boys, Bobby just whispered in my ear all night about a girl two feet away." I paused. "I like Bobby. She's a good friend."

"Isn't she kinda mean?" Embry asked.

"Not really. Not to me, at least. And from what I've seen, she's only really mean to people to deserve it. And that's good, I guess, because I'm not really the nicest person I've ever met either. Bobby gets me."

Embry stopped playing with my hair. "I get you," he mumbled.

I snorted. "It's not a competition, Embry."

"Right," he said quickly, and started tapping his fingers against my arm, "but let's say it was a competition. Who would be winning, me or Bobby?"

"Probably Bobby," I said honestly, and smirked.

And I expected him to protest, but he ignored my statement and his voice changed when he said, "Jacob's coming."

"How do you know?" I asked, eyebrows raised. But then I heard the door open and swing close like it did when his mother came in and I quickly sat, up, brushing Embry's arm off of my shoulder. I looked at Embry with skeptical eyes, but he just smirked at me. "Fucking psychics."

Jacob Black stood in front of us with tired eyes and slumped shoulders. He looked tired and sad and nothing like the magnetic boy I used to crush on. There was something about Jacob that was so monumentally different than how he was before, and even different from the rest of the cult boys. He stood differently than Embry, different from Quil. "Hey guys," he greeted, not looking the least bit surprised to see me there. "What's up?"

"Helping Remy bake a cake for Quil," Embry said easily, sounding kind of pleased with himself.

"Oh, that's nice," Jacob said, and then titled his head at me. "Did you hit him?"

"Nope."

"Threaten him?"

"Nah. He had to come get me in Port Angeles cause I was too drunk to drive home."

Jacob shrugged. "That was gonna be my next guess."

"So what's up dude?" Embry asked.

"Right," Jacob said, shifting the weight between his legs and knotting his hands together. He looked back and forth between me and Embry before he said, "Plans changed. It's happening tonight. Bella's in Florida right now, so."

And with Jacob's word, there was a shift in mood. His eyes were grave when he spoke and I knew there was some greater implication that I couldn't understand. But from the way Embry stiffened next to me and how tight his smile was, I knew that he was aware. It was a cult thing. And I thought for a second about how frustrating it was to be lost in this conversation and how much worse it probably was for Embry's mom and suddenly I felt bad for thinking she was a bitch. "Great," Embry said tightly.

"Sorry, Rem," Jacob said, and I grimaced at the nickname of my nickname, "but Embry's mine tonight."

I tried not to make it clear how uncomfortable I was. I figured that was just how he was, even if he looked depressed and worn down, he was still Jacob Black. I remember his presence always being warm. He laughed loudly when his hair was long and everyone around him felt welcomed. He acted so much more carefree than I ever thought I could be. I guess that's why I used to like him so much. "That's okay, you can have him. I was only using him to help me with the cake. Me and Bobby are going to some Forks soccer game tonight anyways."

Embry furrowed his features. "Why?"

"Bobby likes to make fun of the players," I said with a shrug.

Jacob raised an eyebrow at me. "And that's fun?"

"Yeah," I said laughing. "They're awful."

Embry rolled his eyes at me and placed his hand on my shoulder. There was always contact, one way or another. "You guys are mean," he said to me, tone light, and then turned to Jacob. "Thanks for letting me know man."

"Yeah no problem," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I'll see you tonight. Later, Rem."

I waved, mouth pressed into a tight little line when he called me that dumb name again. Jacob turned around and left, large frame disappearing behind the hall. "Cult stuff?" I asked Embry when I heard the door close again, signalling Jacob's departure.

Embry frowned at me. He didn't like my constant questioning about his after school activities but he never really denied that there was something going on. Not that he could, it was pretty clearly established that there was something going on that I didn't yet have the capability to understand. "How long left on the cake?"

I dropped my head back to look at the timer on the oven. "Twenty minutes. Why?" I asked, straightening up. "Tryna get rid of me?"

"Never," he assured me. "Just wondering if that's enough time for you to read my English essay."

Embry Call was smart, and I guess I was kind of a bad person for being surprised by that. His phrasing was clunky and awkward and couldn't maintain a consistent tone but he had ideas on pieces I had read a million times that I had never even thought of. The way he wrote was thoughtful and his ideas were complex and even though it was about a page and a half too short and he spelled the main character's name wrong, I was more impressed by his paper than anything I had ever written. I told him, "This was actually really good."

His expression brightened. "Really?"

"Yeah," I asserted, "it's like, really good. And I mean, I've read Frankenstein like six hundred times. And I never would've thought to connect it to Nietzche's will to power doctrine."

Embry's face twisted in confusion. "I did?"

"Ugh, you're so smart and you don't even know it."

The timer went off, and I sat there, trying to ice the cake while I explained Nietzche to Embry. He listened, asking questions and bouncing ideas off of me and arguing and a month ago I never would have thought that I'd be debating one of my favorite philosopher's views on nihilism with him. I thought about the time Embry told him that I wasn't what he expected and that the reverse was certainly true. And when Embry looked me in the eyes and told me Nietzhe's ideas were 'fucking stupid,' I was starting to feel different.

And after that, I tried to focus on the frosting that was getting all over my hands but my fingers were shaking and it was substantially harder to spell out words on a cake with frosting than it was with a pencil and paper. I was biting down on my tongue in between my disagreements with Embry. It was bold of him to argue with me over something I was so familiar with that he had just heard of ten minutes prior, and I had to admire that.

"Done," I said proudly, dropping the frosting down on the table and looking at my work with a grin.

Embry leaned over my shoulder and read, "'Sorry I'm a dickhead,'" Embry smiled at me, "it's great."

I beamed at him.

Bobby and I huddled together under a fleece blanket she had brought from her house, steaming hot chocolates in our hands. The temperature had dropped so low it made me shake, and the sky was heavy like it was about to rain. It didn't feel like the middle of spring, but the dead of winter. And I almost felt bad for the skinny boys with their pale legs running around in shirts. But I didn't feel that bad.

"Do you see number fourteen?" Bobby asked, resting her legs on top of mine. "Our parents work together, so we always used to have to go to these workplace events together. And when we were young he'd always push me over and I'd get dirt on my dresses and shit. So a couple months ago I made out with his girlfriend, and then she broke up with him and we dated for a while."

"I can't tell if that's the meanest thing I've ever heard or the best thing I've ever heard," I replied, watching as the boy she pointed out ran down the field with white puffs of breath.

Bobby giggled. "It was Wendy."

"That's how you met Wendy?" I asked while Bobby threw her head back laughing. "Oh my god, no wonder she's such a bitch. Was she always like that? Even while you were dating her?"

"I dunno," Bobby mumbled. "There were good points, I guess, when she was like, really nice to me. But I think she only dated me because she hated her dumb soccer playing boyfriend and wanted to piss her parents off. I mean, there were some points where I thought she might've even been straight. But I guess she's pretty head over heels for Amber right now."

I bit my lip. The sapphic dating pool in this area must have been too small. "I mean, Amber must not be as great as you think she is. If she had an ounce of taste it wouldn't even be a competition between the two of you." Bobby smiled at me. "I mean, you're literally like, the hottest person I've ever met and Wendy looks like one of those creepy ants from Bug's Life."

Bobby barked out laughter. "She really fucking does."

The other team scored a goal and there was groan of disappointment among the already small but dwindling crowd. "Her and number fourteen over there deserve each other. Ugly blond ants."

Sitting on the bleachers with Bobby, making fun of the people who broke her heart, made me feel normal. When I was there with her, I wasn't some angry little girl with a drinking problem and a dead brother. I was seventeen and loud and laughing and holding onto my best friend's arm while we shivered in the cold. The people around us seemed annoyed at the way our laughs traveled but it didn't matter to me much either way. The hot chocolate was getting cold in my hands as the clock ticked on.

"Do you think any of them are cute?" Bobby asked.

My eyes darted across the field, jumping from sweaty face to sweaty face. "Not really. I mean, they all kind of look the same, right? Same boring faces, just with different color hair."

Bobby tapped her fingers against her cup. "What is your type?"

"I dunno. I guess I never really had one."

"What'd the guy who took your virginity look like?" she asked, curiosity clear in her tone.

My face was hot. "He was pretty tall, dark hair. He had like, arms covered in tattoos, but they all kinda sucked. Like, he had every cheesy dude tattoo I can think of. Looking back I think I was just into him because he was like, twenty. And I mean, by the way, kinda gross to sleep with a sixteen year old when you're twenty."

Bobby scrunched up her nose. "Yeah, that is pretty fucking gross." She paused, watching the game for a moment before she said, "Is it weird that I kinda want to play match maker with you?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'm gonna."

"Don't."

"Oh, come on," she said. "It won't be that bad if you just tell me your type, or like anyone you're into. I mean, how cute would it be if I started dating Amber and you found someone and we could go on double dates!"

I frowned. "That doesn't sound cute at all."

She tugged on my arm. "Please, Remy? Pretty please? Do you really wanna be single forever?"

That question hung in my head for a while, during the rest of the game when Bobby made fun of random boys. Because I didn't really have an answer to that. The thought of finding some random guy to date and share my life with was repulsive, but there was also something heartbreaking and lonely about the idea of never having someone to love. Like, I would always love Bobby, but it was different. And those two thoughts didn't really work well together.

I kept thinking about it after the game ended, and I was leaning against the fence around the field, waiting for Bobby to come out of the bathroom. I tried to picture myself getting hitched to some random, faceless guy, but the idea didn't settle well with me. I tapped my foot against the ground, wrapping the blanket tight around my shoulders.

"You cold?"

I snapped my head around at the unfamiliar voice, and saw a grinning boy in a green jersey with the number four on it. He leaned against the fence next to me and I said to him, "I guess."

He was sweaty and I could smell it and it was disgusting. "You enjoy the game?"

"No."

The boy laughed. "Know anyone on the team?"

"Yeah my friend made out with one of Forks dude's girlfriends so we came here to make fun of you guys," I said candidly, thinking he might be insulted.

But he just kept grinning at me. "So you were rooting for us?"

"No, we definitely made fun of you too."

"You're from the nearby res right? I know a couple people over there. I'm Cameron."

"Okay."

"What's your name?"

"Embry!"

"Embry?"

He was wearing just a black t-shirt when he approached me, wearing a cocky looking smirk that I'd never seen on him before. Embry greeted me with a tight hug, pulling me into his side. "That's me," he said to number four. And then he looked down at me. "Hey, Remy," he said, keeping his arm draped over me. He was warm.

I looked over at the boy and smiled. "Nice to meet you. Bye." I didn't notice whether or not he left before turning over to Embry. "I thought you had weird cult stuff to take care of tonight?"

He shrugged. "Got done early. Actually, it was kind of uneventful. Where's Bobby? She didn't just leave you out here, right?"

"Nah, she's just in the bathroom. There was a long ass line of soccer moms." The warmth of his arm and the blanket was making me start to sweat. "Why'd you come all the way over here?"

Embry's eyes were searching the field and the bleachers. "Just had to make sure you were safe," he said quietly.

"Why wouldn't I be safe?"

He looked down at me with a smile. "Did you see that guy? He was all over you. I mean, I know you could probably take him, but I wouldn't want your knuckles to bleed again."

I frowned. "No, really."

But Bobby was coming out and walking towards us so he gave me a tight smile and said, "I'll tell you later, okay?"

And before I could protest Bobby was standing in front of us. "Hey, Embry. Crazy to see you here, at this event you weren't invited to when you knew Remy would be here. How funny."

I rolled my eyes and stepped away from Embry, tossing the other half of the blanket over Bobby's shoulders. And I wasn't sure if it really happened or not but I thought I saw Bobby stick her tongue out at him. "I get it," he said with a smile. "Just checking up. I'll see you guys later, though," he said, but kept his eyes locked on me.

"Bye," I said, and followed Bobby as she turned us around.

Bobby held on tight to my arm while we walked. "You're getting soft on him" she said, as we approached her car, "and that's when he's gonna go for the eyelids."

"Shut up," I giggled, pushing her a little to the side. But my cheeks were warm and my heart was pounding.

this is the most fanfiction chapter ive ever written. but i love some soft remy! mostly just filler and dialogue but let me know what you guys think! anyways we're building up to everything and im so excited for when we'll get there. love u 3