Huda had never really apologized for anything in her life. She never really had to. It didn't mean she was eternally perfect and nothing would ever affect her. It was more of she would avoid apologizing to someone as much as possible. Asking for forgiveness was a humbling act and she didn't feel like she would be able to handle that. Maybe that made her similar to her father in some way. Her father, who after his wife's death would avoid his children as much as possible. As she grew older, Huda found a lot of similarities between herself and her father and she wasn't really sure if she liked it or not.
She spent her Saturday out on the Hogwarts grounds, enjoying the last bit of summer sunshine before the bitter chill of winter came. Many of the other students had thought of the same and it was quite crowded after lunch. Huda was joined by Regulus Black who had opted to work on his essays and let Huda skim through them for any corrections. Huda also spent time bouncing off ideas for the Dueling Club. Despite her turn for teaching coming after two weeks, she always wanted to be prepared.
"I think you should start with the basic Healing spells" Regulus suggested.
"Good idea" Huda replied, scribbling away on her parchment.
"Most of time, we get cuts and bruises. If we're actually learning how to duel, then a medic needs to be on standby" Regulus's ideas were good and Huda continued to ask him further questions.
"We make a good team, Reg. How's Quidditch under Macnair?" Huda rolled up the parchment and vanished it back to her dorm room.
"It's alright but he doesn't have the charisma you had. He isn't a strategist either. The pressure is on me to catch the Snitch quick since our first match is with Gryffindor and Fabian Prewett isn't messing around this year" Regulus replied, looking morose.
"Fabian was on reserve last year. I can't believe he's Captain this year" Huda commented and Regulus nodded in agreement.
"There were rumors that James Potter might have been chosen but I guess McGonagall changed her mind. Fabian is Captain and Gideon is Head Boy" Regulus revealed and Huda frowned.
"Potter would have been a better choice than Fabian" Huda agreed.
"Plus those two walk around like they own the place. Fabian's always trash talking us on the pitch" Regulus muttered.
"Gideon isn't that bad though. I haven't really interacted with Fabian personally speaking" Huda fought a blush as she remembered Gideon's handsome smile.
"Don't tell me you're crushing on him too, Captain. Every girl at Hogwarts moons over those twins" Regulus groaned and Huda laughed.
"Definitely not mooning. Just appreciating works of art".
Regulus rolled his eyes at Huda's comment and froze for a second. Huda followed his gaze and her heart lurched when she spotted the Marauders walking back towards the school. Huda looked back at Regulus who had a rather reflective look on his face. Huda reached out and took his hand. He glanced down at her and sighed before pulling his hand away.
"You haven't lost him, Regulus. Just because he ran away from home does not mean you need to let it come between you. He is still your brother" Huda pleaded with the younger boy who looked even more defeated than before.
"I looked at him when I got sorted into Slytherin. The Sorting Hat was on my head and it shouted out Slytherin the moment it touched my head. I was so scared but he looked at me and nodded to me as if to reassure me that everything was going to be alright. I was scared that he was going to hate me for the rest of his life because I was the very thing that he hated," Regulus's voice shook as he recounted the memory.
Huda could see it so easily in her mind. The younger first year version of Regulus that she had taken on as reserve Seeker. His shining curious eyes as he looked all around the Great Hall as one by one all the kids were being called to be Sorted. The utter fear in his eyes when he realized he was going to be separated from his brother while at school. The nervous walk to the Slytherin table where everyone stared at him in admiration.
"Then I got a letter from him that night. It said he wanted to meet me on Saturday morning for breakfast. I was so confused. How was he going to meet me? We were supposed to sit on different tables. I came down to the Great Hall and he was standing there with a tray full of breakfast and two cups of steaming tea with honey. He took me out to the grounds and we sat under the great oak tree and I told him everything about my first week and what I had managed to do" Huda couldn't stop the tears and she held onto Regulus's hand tightly.
Huda imagined the scene. Regulus animatedly demonstrating his very first Transfiguration lesson which was turning a match into a needle. She had heard that he had gotten it on his first try and scored ten points for Slytherin. She remembered him as the only first year who had managed to make the perfect Boil Curing Potion within half an hour. Slughorn had bragged about it for weeks afterward.
"And he promised me that he would never allow this Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry come between us. He promised that he would be my brother and be there for me no matter what. But then he met James Potter and he forgot about me. I would try desperately to bond with him at Hogwarts and he wouldn't reply me. During the summers, he would run off to the Potters and leave me alone with my parents. And now he has run away for good and he won't come back," Regulus breathed out, trying to calm his fast heartbeat.
"I'm so sorry, Reg" Huda threw her arms around the younger boy who held onto her tightly.
"You don't have to be sorry, Captain. It is what it is" Regulus muttered, his voice muffled by her robes.
"You don't have to be alone anymore Regulus. I'm here for you no matter what" Huda promised.
The younger boy pulled back and gave her a winning smile. Huda promised to herself. She would do everything in her power to keep Regulus smiling for the rest of her life. It didn't matter what she and Sirius had gone through. Regulus deserved everything the world had to offer and Huda would make sure she would be with him every single step of the way. They gathered their stuff up and went back to the Great Hall for a late lunch with their hands still linked together as if afraid of what would happen if they separated.
Gideon had noted Huda's subdued behavior during their next patrol but did not say anything to the girl. He simply allowed her to move through the corridors like a ghost until they reached the top of the Astronomy Tower. Huda leaned against the railing, staring out at the grounds where there were no disturbances at all. Everyone was asleep and at peace. It was her mind and her thoughts, however, who were not at peace.
"Something bothering you?" Gideon asked curiously, walking up to stand next to her on the balcony.
Huda let out a heavy sigh. "This war is getting to me. I read about a muggle family being murdered this morning in the Daily Prophet and it has disturbed me greatly".
"I know what you mean. I stopped subscribing to the Prophet for that reason. I can't keep up with the news, the missing people, the kidnappings, the torture, the deaths" Gideon broke off before he could say anything more.
"And the fact that I'm in Slytherin means that these talks are common and in fact celebrated in the common room. But I find it alarming. Why would you celebrate an innocent person's death?" Huda's question was rhetorical but Gideon replied anyway.
"Because Slytherins mainly support the Dark Lord and his ways. They want to join him in his mission. Their humanity has been lost."
"Not all of us are like this" Huda protested.
"But it's hard to protect those who aren't like this. I'm sure you're being pressured to join. Most of your friends are definitely potential Death Eaters" Gideon commented.
"I am being pressured" Huda confessed. "But I have to stay strong otherwise I'd be a hypocrite to all those who have been looking up to me. But it's unfair. Why am I being pressured to be a role model? I just want to relax for a change and not be Huda Shafiq. I just want to be normal."
"I understand what you're saying. It's a sad situation where we aren't allowed to be who we are and we don't have anyone around us to trust. I mean, I have my brother but I can't imagine what it's like for you having to be on your guard and watch your back on every single turn" Gideon wrapped his right arm around her shoulder and Huda leaned into the warmth his body provided.
"And then to protect the friendships that you have with other houses because you don't want them to get into dangerous situations" Huda ranted and Gideon chuckled.
"So does that mean if we date, I'll be your hidden agenda?" he teased and Huda turned to him, baffled. His ability to find humor even in the most serious of situations was astounding to her. Gideon grinned down at her and wrapped his other arm around her and pulled him to his chest, encasing her in a bone crushing bear hug. Huda smiled and wrapped her arms around his middle. She was truly lucky to have a friend like him.
"Now, let's move along before someone spots us and starts the gossip wheels running in the school" Gideon said and Huda agreed. They quickly wrapped up their patrol and Gideon suggested going to the kitchens for a midnight snack. She agreed since it was Saturday night and they crept into the kitchens, and asking for something to eat from the house elves.
"The hot chocolate they make is delicious. They even add marshmallows" Huda was beyond excited since she had been craving the elves hot chocolate all summer long.
"You've put a bit of weight on since you quit Quidditch" Gideon's eyes widened when he realized the implication of what he just said and attempted to backtrack. "Not that you are fat, you're just looking amazing with some meat on your bones. That doesn't mean you're a dog or an animal, you just look awesome and the shirt you wear fits you better. But that doesn't mean I was looking, of course not, MMF!" Huda shoved a bite of chocolate cake in his mouth to shut him up.
"You really tend to ramble when you're nervous" Huda chuckled as Gideon swallowed the bite she had shoved into his mouth.
"So what is your goal after graduation?" Gideon asked, stirring his hot chocolate.
"I want to work at St. Mungo's as a Healer" Huda replied immediately.
"I want to be an Auror and fight the Dark Lord" Gideon revealed and Huda blinked at him in surprise. She then spotted a glint of hope in his eye and smiled in delight.
"One who does not know love" she said the first part of the sentence that Dumbledore had taught her.
"Does not know magic" Gideon finished and they both grinned at each other like idiots. Huda felt a huge weight lift off her shoulder as she realized she was not the only Order member at Hogwarts among the seventh years.
"When did you join?" she asked Gideon curiously.
"As soon as Fabian and I turned seventeen in April. We were already gearing up to be Aurors anyway so we joined when Dumbledore asked. What about you?"
"Same but I joined over the summer. I'm a spy within the Slytherins. Keeping an eye out for suspicious activities and reporting on any Death Eater plans that these kids let slip from their parents" Huda explained and Gideon nodded in approval.
"We haven't been doing much aside from using our leadership positions to weed out future new members to the Order. But what you're doing is straight up stealth work. You are truly risking your life for the Order. You just amaze me more and more, Huda Shafiq" Huda flushed as he gave her an admiring look.
"I was going to remain neutral and run away but I wanted to make a difference in some way. This is the only way I found" Huda replied, looking down at her now empty mug of hot chocolate.
"What you're doing is no less than those Aurors running around out there catching Death Eaters. The Ministry's gone to the dogs anyway. But be careful, our identities must not be revealed. We're the only resistance in here under Dumbledore's watch" Gideon described exactly what Huda's worst fear was. Any whisper of betrayal and the Slytherins would have her head on a platter.
That night she walked back to her common room with a smile on her face and the memory of Gideon Prewett smiling at her over a delicious black forest chocolate cake and two steaming cups of hot chocolate.
It was James who managed to get Sirius and her alone in the Gryffindor dorm room. He had approached her earlier, begging her to stop this petty fight and to man up and apologize to Sirius. Huda had readily agreed but hesitated before speaking to Sirius as soon as he came face to face with her. The cold look on his face spoke volumes as the door swung shut behind him and a click gave away that they were locked in magically with nowhere to go.
"What do you want, Shafiq?" Sirius asked rudely, flopping down onto his bed. Huda took a seat on Remus's bed which was next to door right opposite Sirius.
"I wanted to apologize" Huda replied and Sirius let out a bark of cruel laughter.
"I am sorry, Sirius. For being an egotistical, maniacal bitch. I shouldn't have said all the things that I said. Especially about Regulus. I don't know what came over me. I just wanted to hurt you so much and I made a huge mistake by saying all that. I didn't mean a word of it"
Huda stared down at the floor, too anxious to look up at the handsome boy. Sirius stared at the girl in front on him, contemplating what to do. On one hand, he was surprised that she could put her pride aside and actually apologize to him but his heart was still in pain from what she had said about Regulus. Not because she was talking about his brother but because she had hit the nail on the head. He didn't like how Regulus looked up to her when in fact he was the one who had requested her to take care of him. Sirius felt as if this was a way for fate to have a laugh at him.
"You were right, Huda" Sirius spoke up and Huda looked up at him. "I am jealous. Your connection to Regulus is something I wished I had. I'm living off of the Potters generosity. I have nothing of my own. I've been informed that my name has been blasted off the family tree and I have officially been disowned. And now seeing you, the only person who actually understands me the most, with the very people who I am fighting against, makes me angry beyond belief". Huda stood up and walked over to his bed. She sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"I'm sorry Sirius. I didn't know how much this was affecting you and I just blew up in your face. You need to talk about your feelings and problems more. The more you bottle it up inside the more likely it will explode in the worst manner" Huda explained and Sirius nodded.
"I'm sorry about not talking enough. I'm used to keeping things inside and not talking to anyone about it" Sirius leaned into Huda who smiled.
"So, Remus told me you managed to transform. Can I see your Animagus form?"
Sirius jumped up immediately and closed his eyes. A few seconds later, a black dog stood in front of her and let out a loud bark. Huda laughed and dropped down on her knees, hands reaching out to pet Sirius. He allowed her to run her hands all over him and Huda grinned when she saw the grey eyes staring at her in a more intelligent manner than a regular dog. Her hands stilled as the door slammed open to reveal James, Remus and Peter.
"Finally!" James almost skipped forward and tackled Sirius the dog. Sirius transformed back to human and they began play fighting on the floor. Huda, Remus and Peter roared with laughter as the two finally split apart, panting for breath from the exertion.
"So can I see what you two turn into?" Huda asked and James complied immediately transforming into a magnificent stag. Huda's mouth fell open at how large his animal form actually was. She looked around and saw a small rat nibbling at her shoe and reached down to pick it up in her hand. Peter the rat immediately scurried up her arm to perch on her shoulder.
"It's fantastic, isn't it?" Remus offered his hand out to Peter who bounced onto it and took refuge on Remus's head.
"We couldn't have done it without you, Huda" James, now human, bounded up to stand next to Huda.
"I'm rather sad that I didn't manage it but seeing you all like this makes me very proud. You're the greatest friends anyone would ask for" Huda commented and Remus nodded in agreement.
"I'm glad you and Padfoot have made up. He was moping for weeks!" Peter, now back in human form, exclaimed, ignoring the look Sirius gave him.
"Padfoot?" Huda couldn't wrap her head around the name.
"Oh, we gave each other nicknames. Makes it easier to keep the Animagus thing quiet. Remus is Moony" Huda snorted at the obvious nickname and James continued. "Peter is Wormtail" Huda let out a laugh at that one. "Sirius is Padfoot" "Okay that is slightly better" she commented. "And I'm Prongs!" James finished and Huda nodded.
"Very clever, boys" she said and James grinned at her response.
"We have started to work on something new" Remus revealed and Huda rolled her eyes, wondering what they had come up with now.
"We want to make a map of Hogwarts" Sirius explained from his seated position on the floor.
"A map? That's it?" Huda was now confused.
"Not just any map. A map of Hogwarts which has everything. All the secret passages, all the classrooms, all the nooks and crannies of each area in the castle. Also, it shows exactly where anyone is at any given time" James explained and Huda's eyes widened.
"That's a rather challenging feat. Have you started anywhere?" she asked.
"We have this" James pulled a piece of folded up parchment from his bedside table and opened it up. In front of her, laid out, was a map of Hogwarts. The parchment was folded into such a way that each layer was a separate floor of the castle. They had begun marking down areas and mapping out places but it was still grossly unfinished.
"So we've been going around the castle, drawing and mapping but it's taking a long time. That is where we need your help. You can walk around the castle at any time. We can finish mapping areas faster since you have more time and don't need to stick to curfew" Remus explained.
"And then after mapping? Have you managed to figure out the spells required for it?" Huda asked.
"Prongs and I have been researching in the library. There are many charms and spells that we can attempt but we need to complete the map first" Sirius replied and Huda nodded.
"Alright, I'll do it" she agreed and James handed over the parchment to her. Huda then noticed the barely healed scar on Remus's face.
"How did that happen?" she reached over and Remus hissed as she touched it gently.
"The full moon was a week ago. Moony was being rather violent so Padfoot took a swipe at him. Prongs pushed the two apart and his antlers scratched the wolf's face" Peter explained, and the three other boys looked away from Huda, as if feeling guilty.
"And you really didn't think you couldn't have come to me?" Huda pulled out her wand and began murmuring some healing spells. The scar began stitching itself and closing itself. Remus winced as he endured this slow process but after a couple of minutes his scar looked years old rather than just a few weeks old.
"We didn't really know how to approach you after what happened with you and Sirius" James replied and Peter nodded in agreement.
"Regardless of anything, even if you were an ex, I would still treat you. Healer's Code and all that" Huda reached up to touch the scar and was pleased when Remus didn't wince from the pain.
"Even if it was Lucius Malfoy and his wife?" Sirius spoke up and the room quieted.
"Why do you ask?" Huda asked after a long stretch of silence.
"Narcissa had a miscarriage" Sirius revealed and Huda gasped. "She was at St. Mungo's and no healer wanted to help her because of Lucius being rumored as a Death Eater".
"When was this?" Huda asked furiously.
"A week ago. I went to St. Mungo's to visit my mother. I saw Lucius there and the healers were gossiping about his wife. A lot of them think Narcissa deserved it" James explained.
"What does Narcissa have to do with the Dark Lord? She doesn't want anything to do with this war!" Huda was beyond furious.
"You're defending her even after she took Lucius away from you and married him? She is probably a Death Eater by now" Sirius said, incredulously.
"She is not a Death Eater! And I can't believe those Healers were so despicable. As a Healer you should assist any patient and not let your bias take precedent over a patient. I can't believe it!" Remus placed a hand on Huda's shoulder as if to calm her.
"Calm down, love" Sirius took her hand, ignoring the looks from James and Peter. Huda breathed in and out after her outburst to calm herself down.
"It's almost time for dinner. Shall we?" Peter's stomach growled at Remus's comment, making them snort in laughter. James and Remus grabbed Peter by the upper arms and frog marched him out of the room. Huda was about to follow them but felt Sirius take her hand as if asking her to wait. She turned to him and he sighed before plowing ahead.
"Does that mean we're back together?" he asked, looking away from the girl.
Huda hesitated but went ahead with what she wanted to say. "Were we even together to begin with, Sirius?" Sirius glanced up at her in surprise.
"We felt something for each other, Huda" the younger boy replied and Huda nodded in agreement.
"We did feel something for each other and I do care for you. But I don't think we went beyond anything physical. We weren't in a real relationship. You never asked me to be your girlfriend" Huda explained and Sirius's face fell.
"So does that mean we are officially over? Or are we just friends who decide to snog and screw each other senseless?" Sirius asked.
"I think I would like it if we stayed friends. Maybe just to see if there could be something more and if whatever we're feeling is actually real?" Huda's words hovered over them and Sirius sighed.
"So you're letting me go?"
"I think we make better off friends" Huda replied and Sirius nodded.
"It might take me a while to get used to it but I think we'll be good" Sirius smiled at Huda and her heart began beating erratically.
"Thank you, Sirius. For everything" Huda held up her arms and Sirius walked over and wrapped his arms around her.
"You too, love" He kissed her on the cheek and buried his face into her neck as if memorizing her scent for the last time. Huda felt tears prick her eyes but ignored them. This was the right thing to do. For him.
Later that night, Huda lied awake staring up at the ceiling, wide awake. If this was her decision of letting Sirius go, then why was she still feeling so empty?