CHAPTER 13

She had moved out of the master bedroom and into one of the spare rooms, but Jace wasn't upset by her tactical move. Instead, it had brought a smile to his face. He distinctly remembered her telling him the day he brought her back to her house in Chicago that being away from him was the safest option because she didn't think she could keep herself away from him. He knew how much she still loved him. She had said it to him countless times, but moving into another room proved he still had a certain power over her and that made him smile, too. She would always have power over him, which is why they were perfect for each other. The kiss they shared earlier tonight was proof of that. Her body responded to him just like it did in Chicago the night they made love. Their attraction to each other was intense and undeniable when they first met and it always would be.

Even though they were no longer sharing a bed, it didn't stop him from watching her while she slept. He had done it every night they had spent together, beginning in Mexico sixteen years ago. It was always the same...he would wake up in a panic, worried that she had suddenly disappeared, until he turned to see her lying beside him sleeping peacefully. He would stare at her face, studying it from every angle and memorizing every freckle and imperfection in her skin. Even now, there were no visible signs that she was closing in on forty. She could have easily still been twenty-one to his eyes. He memorized the way her blonde hair fell around her shoulders and splayed out across the pillow behind her. The soft pulse at the base of her throat and the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out was like a symphony to him. Part of him wanted her to wake up, see him there next to her and without saying a word, offer herself to him like she had done in Chicago. The other part of him wanted to keep his silent midnight rendezvous a secret. That way, he could love her without risking her admonishment for putting her up on a pedestal and making her the center of his world.

She was the love of his life and even though she had refused to say it, he knew he was the love of her life too. He clung to that like a buoy in a raging sea, even though he knew that at the end of this storm he would still lose her to Matt Casey. Despite always claiming that she belonged to no one like the feisty little filly she was, she would be returning to Matt, their son and their life in Chicago in a few days. He wanted to be strong for her and for Harper, but the thought of her leaving filled him with an agony he couldn't describe. No one, not Dr. Lawrence and not Madeleine herself, would ever convince him that she shouldn't be his anchor, the reason he opened his eyes every morning to face the day. He knew that finding someone else would be his salvation, but he was lost in her and always would be. She had worked her magic on him, just like he knew she would when he first saw her standing in the middle of the living room last week. She got him to straighten himself up, stop drinking and start back in therapy. Talking about things with Dr. Lawrence had been cathartic for him and having her there next to him gave him the courage he needed to say the things he wanted to say. For the second time in his life, she had saved him.

He let his eyes roam from her face down to her breasts. Her nipples were erect and visible through the light material of her nightgown. He could see the dark pink color of her areolas underneath, reminding him of when she had been pregnant with Harper. It was one of the happiest times in his life. The horse farm was thriving, he was married to the woman of his dreams and they were expecting a baby. He remembered it like it was yesterday. The anticipation he felt at his impending discharge from the army, knowing he would be leaving Iraq for good and coming home to her, was indescribable. His life was right where he wanted it to be at that time, but Iraqi soldiers had other plans for him. If only he hadn't been so stubborn, he wouldn't have taken a second tour of duty. He would have never been captured and held hostage for all those years if he had just listened to her pleading with him not to go. Their lives wouldn't have been shattered and their daughter wouldn't have been ripped away from them. He fought hard against the same dark thoughts that had made him spin out of control a few weeks ago, pushing the memories of war out of his head and the chain of events that happened after it, like he had done a thousand times before. Dr. Lawrence had taught him to let those feelings go, to stop going backwards and look forward to his future...only he still couldn't manage to see his future without her. He prayed that he would be able to let her go and move on, but the ache in his body as he looked at her now told him what he already knew...that he could never really let her go.

The little bulge in her belly was obvious as she laid on her back. If only he could father children, maybe the ache he felt would finally stop. She had given him a beautiful daughter, but his family had intervened, making decisions for all three of them that altered the rest of their lives. If they hadn't told Madeleine their baby girl had died, she would have stayed in Texas and they would have been reunited when he came home a hero. He would be with the two people he loved most in the world and none of the things that had happened over the last fifteen years would have ever come to light. Most importantly, she would have never married Matthew Casey.

She suddenly shifted, turning her body towards him. He watched in silence as her hand reached under the pillow next to her and pulled out the shirt he had given her to keep her warm earlier that evening. With her eyes still closed, she gathered it up to her face and nuzzled it, making his heart ache for her even more. She stirred again and moved closer to him. He jerked himself backwards, afraid she would reach out to find him next to her. He got up from the bed as gently as he could and slowly walked backwards out of the room, keeping his eyes on her until he was at the door. A couple of tears spilled out onto his cheeks and defiantly, he brushed them away, angry at himself for being weak after the progress he had made today. It was all because of her. She was the only thing in his life that he wanted.

"I wish I could stop loving you, baby...but it's no use...I can't do it, no matter how hard I try," he whispered, not wanting to wake her. "Every time I look at you, I see the rest of my life in your eyes. That's the way it will always be," he said quietly as he closed the door behind him.

"Mmmmm...come here, cowboy," I murmured softly, as the scent of him from the flannel shirt he had been wearing filled my head. I kept my eyes closed as I reached out for him, only to find an empty space beside me. I opened my eyes and sat upright in a panic. I could have sworn he was in here with me. I could feel the unmistakable energy that his presence always brought with it. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I tried to calm my breathing. Looking around the room, my mind was filled with one singular thought...Jace. When I woke up and realized he wasn't in bed with me, an emptiness consumed me. In my heart, I knew that once I left Texas and went back home, the same emptiness would follow me. I laid back down, clutching Jace's shirt to my face and cried.

"Oh, Jackson...what am I going to do without you?" I buried my face in the flannel fabric and cried until exhaustion took over and I finally fell asleep.