Chapter 14: Let's Talk

There were no mirrors out here in the forest. At least not to Jaune's knowledge. Puzzling thing then, that he should find that he was staring at himself.

He lingered there, in the corner of his eye, this thing that for some reason had started showing up out of nowhere. Never saying anything. Never doing anything. Just standing, watching, sometimes... smiling. Its arm was drenched in a dark, dripping substance. Tap, tap, tap, in the cold and still grass. He could smell it. Rotten sweet, coppery, he wanted to retch and yet only stared all harder as if might miss it if he glanced away. It was enchanting. Bewitching.

Horrifying.

"Jaune?"

He started, gasped, only to find that the voice was familiar and right in front of him. Ruby. Her hair was sopping wet, her clothes stuck too and hung off her lithe form. Had she gone swimming? Why fully clothed? Jaune jolted again when the sky grumbled, flickering flashes of light like the static of a beaten television box. The lip of the cave salivated with rain, while the dark forest was pelted mercilessly by it, a dull gray mist wafting overhead so the salty stink in the air stayed trapped below. Weird, Jaune didn't remember the rain starting.

He didn't even remember when he'd chosen to stare out of the cave.

"Did you hear me? Were you listening?" Ruby asked.

"Uh," Jaune's eyes darted from her to the other him standing out in the rain, somehow immune to the violent downpour. Then made himself focus on her. "No. I'm sorry."

"I was asking how you're feeling."

How was he feeling? Was there a right way to answer that question? The other him outside continued to stare. Most days he was alright. Not exactly jubilant, but not miserable. It wasn't an easy thing to explain. The other him continued to stare. It was that kind of feeling that you were resolute to, whether you understood it or not. A perpetual state of existence and the keen awareness of it that was far from existential, but no less enlightening. The fuck? That was a weird thought. What the hell was he even thinking right now? His thoughts tended to go everywhere now like he was slowly losing control. What would happen when his grip finally snapped?

Probably best not to bring that up with Ruby. "I'm good."

No idea how she took that answer, her face remained unchanged, but thankfully she moved on to an easier question. "How about strength-wise?" she said, giving his bicep a pinch.

Better every day, perhaps the only thing that was getting better with time. He wouldn't call himself fully back in shape, but he felt close to it. Honestly, he couldn't wait. Soon, he'd be out there doing things with everyone, fighting, and hunting, and helping. But everyone was concerned about him and said he needed more rest. Screw that. No point in arguing with them though—the last thing he wanted was more unneeded conflict.

Probably best to condense that down though. "Good," he repeated.

"Is that your new favorite word or something?"

Did he move? Jaune swore he moved. But when he looked for just a brief moment, the other him hadn't moved even a bit. Still just there. Staring. Wait, no, that black drenched arm was rising, pointing up at the darkening sky. Jaune followed it, searched the storm clouds for answers. Was there something beyond them? Some eldritch monster beyond the cosmos that the gods were warning him about? His agitated heart began to scream denial, or perhaps it had been already and he just hadn't noticed. Jaune swallowed hard. "Uh... good."

"Jaune." Ruby patted his cheek, "What are you looking at?"

My long lost twin? A genetically copied clone? Proof of sanity? None of those sounded like answers Ruby would like to hear though. Admitting to any of them might make her think he was crazy. Then again, everyone likely already did. He saw the way they looked at him. With pity. Like he was weak and needed to be cared for. "Just the rain," Jaune answered. And before Ruby could prod him for more answers, he decided to turn the questions unto her. "What about you? Are you okay?"

She would sometimes be sitting alone and quiet, Jaune had noticed the past few days. When she wasn't out with Pyrrha, she was probably cleaning Crescent Rose or trying to sleep. Ruby didn't look like she got as much sleep as she could be getting. And sometimes, she even ran off to be alone just out of nowhere.

"I'm good," Ruby said.

"So, we're both good?"

"I guess so?" Ruby shrugged one shoulder.

"Oh... well good."

"Yeah. Good..."

There was a soft background ambiance of the others talking, laughing, or snapping at each other. Yang made some joke at Weiss's expense, Weiss calling her a barbarian, Blake quipping something clever, Pyrrha trying to keep the peace, Nora guffawing for breath, and Ren likely sitting by with that pleased smile, happy to watch it all play out. It'd been like that for days now. A lot of good times. The worries were off the table for now, and if there was a plan for how they'd proceed, then he had no clue what it was. Jaune imagined there was no plan. Why would there be when their little slice of heaven in the middle of hell was right here, stocked with everything they needed?

Why not just wait for help to come?

The other him was, you guessed it, still staring. Only now it wouldn't stop pointing at the sky.

"Ruby, uh, I never got to say that I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For Mister White. I never asked how you felt about that since you... you know."Jaune wanted to hit himself right then. Hey Ruby, remember when you got drenched in someone else's blood? Fun times, right? Hey Jaune, did you know that you're a jackass?

"I'm okay," Ruby gave him the weakest smile imaginable, which was impressive considering it was her. "Well maybe not okay okay, but I'm still alive. I'll take that as a win."

Was it a win to be alive in this place? Jaune began to ponder that as he stared out at the black forest, the gray fog slowly wilting away into the darkness. Maybe in some sense, it was. Did you live and continue to struggle just for the sake of living? Or did you die for peace just to finally be free? Why the hell was he even asking himself these stupid questions? He was having a staring match with himself for crying out loud.

"If you ever want to talk about it, I'll listen. You're always helping me, and I feel like I haven't helped you nearly enough."

Ruby gave him a sidelong glance. "I'll talk if you tell me what's going on with you and Pyrrha."

Walked right into that one. Speaking of which, his clone was walking now in circles. Still smiling, still pointing. "I..." He was mesmerizing and he had no idea why. He couldn't stop watching. What the hell was it pointing at? "Don't know what you're talking about."

"Or you could tell me what you're thinking about when you space out."

"Uh, porn?"

"Try again."

"Does it even matter? I don't space out all the time..."

"Then you don't remember walking into a tree yesterday?"

Oh, he remembered, because Yang hadn't stopped laughing about it. Even out here, his imminent humiliation always seemed to be right up his ass. His life was the most divine comedy, he swore. What had he even been looking at that made him do that? An animal maybe? A Grimm? A human that looked just like him? Could've been anything really.

But no matter what it was, he could never tell Ruby. Not about the things he saw or about his beef with Pyrrha. He didn't need her questioning his ability to help the team. He was so damn close now. He could feel his aura building, he was tempted to use his semblance all the time. It felt like he was staring at his scroll battery at ninety-nine percent, waiting forever for it to finally reach a hundred. Oh yes, he'd be powerful again, no doubt about that.

Then everything else would fall into place. He wasn't sure how exactly, but he'd cross that bridge when he got there.

"Food's ready, come on you guys!" Nora hollered.

Ruby was the first to scoot back toward the cave, squeezing out her hair, and Jaune watched her go for a moment before turning back to his real life reflection. Gone. He always disappeared at some point. The squeezing pressure that had once been on his head began to subside, like a heart calming after a long run.

Nothing had come back to him about the bank. Whenever he thought about it, all he saw was the same thing. Dead robbers. A dead Leo. Sometimes other things. Shouts and cries, gunfire, and heavy breathing. It all felt so clear and yet muddy. It was real. Or it was supposed to be. He was no closer to an answer even now.

What could he trust if his own mind was starting to betray him?

No. Time would fix that. The answers would come when his strength returned, then everything would be fine. He'd make sure of it. And if he failed?

Jaune shook his head as he sat down before the fire, putting up a smile for Nora as she handed him a stick with flavorless chunks of meat stabbed on it. Failure? No. That kind of thinking was weak. He was supposed to be the Champion. To fail of all things? Impossible. Unacceptable.

He took an angry bite out of the meat. The other him was standing in the corner of the cave, head hidden by the creeping shadows, and yet Jaune could still feel its eyes on him. He could see his arm pointing up.

No room to fail. At all.

Ruby didn't eat last night for three reasons. Because Jaune had reminded her of Mister White, because the warthog meat they were eating bled sour blood when she bit into it, and of course, because she couldn't stomach the sight of blood anymore.

She clutched her stomach as her body urged her to heave, pressed a hand against a tree to hold herself up. Get it together, she told herself. There was a job to do and it couldn't be done if she took breaks to calm down every ten minutes. All because of Jaune and Nora and her own damn stomach.

Why was her stomach so weak? Why was she so weak? The tightness in her gut almost made her want to cry, and she did enough of that already. Had to rush herself away from the group just so she could bawl her eyes out, pointlessly beg her dad or uncle to help her, then remind herself that no one was coming to save her or her friends and she had to do it herself. That was normal now. That and heaving whenever she saw blood.

A bit of spittle came up, dripped off her lip, and she pressed her forehead against the tree, her arm no longer capable of holding her up on her own. The tears were coming, she could feel her eyes get hot, her fingers shake. Ruby sucked it down. You're not a baby. Grow the hell up. Stood up straight and ignored her stomach. You need to save yourself and the others. She got back on the trail to catch up with Pyrrha and wiped her eyes of any evidence. Focus on what you have to do. Focus.

"Did Nora not cook the food all the way through?" Pyrrha asked once Ruby caught up with her again.

"No, the food was fine." It would have been even better if she could've eaten it. "Let's keep going."

Was it strange to think of this forest as home? Probably. And yet Ruby couldn't get rid of the familiarity that the trees started to provide. They weren't completely terrifying anymore. They'd covered a wide circumference around the camp, cleared it of Grimm, knew the spots where animals frequented, even found a few extra water springs up on the cliffs. It was a slow push, and Ruby did mean slow since she'd made it clear that no stupid risks would be taken. No going off alone, no breaking formations, and no leaving anyone behind. Everyone had agreed of course. Even Jaune.

There was only one potential hangup...

"Jaune might become an issue when he's at full strength again," Pyrrha said, right on time. Those emerald eyes looked flicked down at Ruby for a moment, then shamefully switched back to the road. "Someone had to say it."

"What do you mean?" Ruby asked. She already thought of this, but she didn't know anyone else was and wanted to hear her side of it.

"You know how he is. How he was when before he almost died," Pyrrha said. "He didn't sleep, he was always fighting, always hunting, always doing something. I know that doesn't sound like a bad thing and I know he's doing it because he's trying to protect us. He's selfless to an extreme fault," Pyrrha shook her head as though no matter how much she thought about it, it still baffled her. "I didn't think such a thing was possible."

"Learn when to be selfish, kid. It's more important than people give it credit for. Uncle Qrow had said that. But the funny thing was, her dad had agreed with him when he said it. He compared the indulgences of selflessness to suicide at times. Ruby wanted to tell Pyrrha that she understood how she felt, but didn't. Why though? Pyrrha was an understanding person. She'd matured a lot in just a year. She could trust her with this. But Ruby didn't open her mouth, didn't let out those feelings that were begging to come out.

"But he's also doing it for other reasons," Pyrrha said.

Something about the way she said it bothered her. A flash of snow covering a cracked gravestone. "Which are?"

"You ever wonder why he's so adamant about getting his strength back?" Pyrrha's lip curled, and Ruby could see a sharpness in her eyes that reminded her of the part of her that used to be there. The monster that drove her obsession. That demon. "It gives him a wall to hide behind. Trust me, it's no different than what I did."

A wall to hide behind. Ruby wished she had that. Such incredible skill or power that she felt like she was invincible. Instead, she was always acutely aware of her weaknesses and fears and always doubted if she was strong enough to handle this or that. She wished she had Jaune's ability to be so openly afraid, and yet be stubborn enough to face that fear even if it was probably safer to run away.

"I'm just saying we should talk to him. Because once he's strong enough, even I can't stop him if he chooses not to listen." Pyrrha said.

It was a fair point to make. Jaune was too powerful to control through force—not like controlling him that way was an option in the first place, but that was the reality of things. If Jaune, for some reason, decided to go off the rails, he could do it through strength alone. In order to keep him from almost overloading himself, it needed to be ensured that he played a role he was happy within the group, and didn't feel the need to work himself to death.

Something about the thought of that nagged at Ruby, made her squirm. She used to think it was heroic to run off to an impossible battle, to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. But there was no greater good out here. She was beginning to wonder if there was such a thing at all. The only thing she had now was her friends. The others would follow her, Jaune would too, but he'd be far more inclined to do as he wished and she had to keep him from that for his own sake.

You do what you must for the people you love. Her mother said that. At least that's what Ruby's dad had told her. Ruby used to love that saying before she realized how hypocritical it sounded when she looked at the gravestone.

"I have a feeling that 'we' means me." Ruby sighed.

"Sorry," Pyrrha said.

There was nothing for her to be sorry about. After all, Ruby already had an idea. One Jaune wouldn't like in any way at all. Nor herself really.

But no one was getting what they wanted these days.

"Healing?" He sounded heartbroken.

Jaune's mouth gaped like he'd been dropped the bombshell reveal of the final season to his favorite soap opera. Marissa was cheating on Duncan the whole time, and Duncan was actually Helmsworth's evil clone, and Helmworth's evil clone was actually the real Helmsworth who came back from the future. Impossible!

Oh, but it was possible. And the dawn of disappointment had set in. Not because of the soap opera, but because Ruby had decided it was best to relegate Jaune to the team medic. Where his semblance would be the most useful... and away from the battlefield.

"Ruby, I'm almost all better." Jaune said, "You guys don't have to protect me anymore."

"I know you can protect yourself. But fighting isn't the best way to do it when you still need to get your head together. And your aura is better saved for healing injuries, isn't it?" And he used his semblance forms too much in a battle. They were the core of his fighting style, and what allowed him to thrive in this hellish landscape. His semblance was almost too perfect for it.

Really, she was doing the Grimm a favor protecting them from Jaune.

"I have to fight with everyone. I need to."

"Why?"

Jaune looked taken aback by that. Like he'd never been asked such a baffling question before. He fumbled for an answer, then lamely settled on one. "Because... healing is boring."

Admittedly, Ruby almost smiled. It reminded her of the times they'd played online RPGs together, and Jaune always hated them because he got designated tank or healer most of the time. Who plays action games just to sit around and cast a spell once in a blue moon? He'd made all those complaints and more. Sadly, real life was not a video game.

"I get it Jaune, you want to help. But trust me, this is the best help you can give us." Ruby didn't want to bench him. But he wasn't thinking about his mental health. And until he could open up a bit more about it, then she didn't want him anywhere near the battle zone. "You think we're so weak that we can't protect ourselves?"

"Of course not. But please Ruby, I have to be out there fighting with you."

He really wasn't backing down on this. Ruby remembered when her dad told stories of her mom, how staunchly she believed in the job, how she never turned down a request no matter what. And she always worked alone because she didn't want to risk other people's lives. Her dad never smiled when he told those stories, he only ever seemed to cry or get angry.

She didn't want to have to be telling those stories about Jaune. Which was why...

Ruby straightened up and looked at him hard in the eyes, swallowed the guilt, and did what she had to do. "You're playing healer, Jaune. I know its not what you want, but it's where you're needed. Okay?"

"I—" Jaune let out a sigh, "Yes."

The others were waiting by the edge of the camp for her and at that moment Ruby nodded toward them. They headed off into the forest and Jaune looked between the group and her, confused. "I'm tired today. So I'll keep you company."

Jaune's mouth dropped open like the reveal that the real Helmworth was instead the clone of Duncan that Marissa was cheating on the real Duncan with was the biggest game-changer of all time. And after the ratings, Ruby didn't doubt it. "What about the others?"

"Ren can lead them just fine. It's just scouting." Ruby put her hands on her hips and put up a smile. "What, you'd rather fight Grimm than spend time with your bestie?"

Jaune made a sound that was something like a choke and cough. The face of a man completely unsure of what to do or say. But he had a lot of say, Ruby imagined, and today she'd squeeze out at least some of it.

"Come on, Jaune," Ruby said as she headed over to the riverbank. "Let's talk about our moms."

I did not sleep until I got this done. Bad, I know, but I don't care. I'm tired. No White Rose. That was fucking stupid. Same gameplan, steadier pacing I hope, if I'm not a complete sham, then this will get us back on track. I haven't scrapped the old chapter completely, some of it can be salvaged for later use.

Little drunk. Upset. Sorry, have to say it.

I hate Tournament Arc. Used to love it. Till it became the bar by which all my future works are measured. I feel neutered, pressured to match it when I realistically know I can't. I don't blame any of you for that, it's the unfortunate reality of writing something people love. If all you get is endless praise, all the time, from everyone, you start to believe you can't screw up. Fucks with your head. Brainwashes you. Everyone says it, so it must be true. I am an amazing writer, I can do no wrong, I'm perfect.

Then I screwed up in so many ways, not just in the recent chapter, and I couldn't believe it. Me? Fail? Impossible. Am I a fluke? Am I a sham? Aren't I supposed to be amazing? I think about that whenever I write anything now. That's no one's fault, still super happy you guys liked TA and gave me your honest feedback, and helped me do a better job with this chapter rewrite.

But I cannot express the spiral of twisted irony in that I became the Pyrrha as she was portrayed in TA by writing TA. I want to laugh about it. But it's not funny at all. Sorry if this sounds dramatic, I'm not miserable I promise, I just tend to not forgive myself when I fail, I'm too harsh on myself. And I don't really know how to stop.

I write every day, sometimes for hours, even though I work full time. And I willingly sacrifice friends, other hobbies, family, just so I can write more cuz I've gotten drunk off that praise and am constantly seeking to replicate it. No one is forcing me to do this, I actively chose it and even now don't regret it, when I should. Don't try to give me advice, I've heard it all, but refuse to listen, so pity is wasted on me. I know I should listen. Probably read this in the morning and regret it. Oh well.

I never should have written Tournament Arc.

Good night, everybody.

ISA