Chapter 32
"Err," stammered Jo, not quite sure how to respond to this. "I didn't, I mean, I um don't know." It was not often that Jo was lost for words, but Lucy's direct attack had taken her by surprise and she had no ready phrases to hide behind.
"That's fine," said Lucy promptly. "We may be walking for a while, so you'll have lots of time to think about it." Jo gaped at her, for this was not at all like the Lucy she had come to know at the Chalet School. Lucy herself was rather surprised. She supposed that the Narnian air had something to do with it, that, and finding herself in a situation where she was completely at home and Jo was not. She grinned inwardly and kept on walking, ignoring the pleading looks cast at her by Jo. Jo was going to have to work this out for herself. And she was going to stand her ground until she did.
Realising that Lucy was not going to say any more and not daring to say anything else for the moment, Jo also walked on in silence. Her thoughts were busy as she walked. Images of her friends flashed through her mind. She remembered the frustrated expressions of the Die Rosen people the weekend she had spent up there, driving everyone to distraction with her demands for attention and the incessant whistling. She remembered how she had goaded and pushed Grizel and wondered how that young lady had kept her restraint. On one occasion, she had made a particularly rude remark, but almost teasingly, to see what Grizel would do. For the first time, she was overcome by shame as she remembered the hurt expression which had come over the older girl's face. Grizel had not said a word but had turned quietly and walked away. Jo had not seen much of her for the rest of the weekend. In fact, now she came to think of it, most of them had avoided her, all weekend.
Why had they all avoided her? What was wrong with them? Or was there something wrong with her? What had she done? Jo pondered this, questioning her own behaviour for the first time. She had always prided herself on not expecting different treatment because she was Madame's sister, but the truth was, she had expected it, and in most cases, she had received it.
Thinking again of Grizel's behaviour, Jo finally realised just how fine a person Grizel had become. Why, I would have lost my temper and lashed out, if someone spoke to me that way, thought Jo. Why didn't Grizel lose her temper? Because she didn't want to upset Madge, came the thought. She didn't want to cause a scene – she knew how worried Madge was about Stacie. Stacie!
Jo winced as she also remembered the scene in Stacie's bedroom. She had gone there wanting a "captive audience". She had learned enough about invalids to know that what Stacie needed was quiet conversation and someone to listen to her, not Jo erupting into the room to talk excitedly of sport and walks. Why, she had not even asked Stacie if she wanted company, she had just bounced into the room and started babbling. She remembered Stacie's pale face and the tearstains on her cheeks as Jack and Madge had pushed her aside and bent over the girl anxiously. She had gone from the room silently, rather cross that Stacie had not appreciated her efforts at sparkling conversation. Now, she cringed at her thoughtlessness and hated herself for what she had done. What kind of a person have I turned into?
"I did hate you," she blurted out suddenly, stopping in the middle of the path. Lucy stopped too and stared at her. "Why?" she asked simply. "I don't know," groaned Jo. "I've been lying awake at night trying to work out why. It's just, oh I don't know, everything seemed to go all wrong when you arrived. I suppose in some way I've been blaming you for that. You know, the day you arrived in my bedroom …" "Out of a wardrobe," murmured Lucy wickedly. "… I got on the wrong side of Matron Besley then," continued Jo, hardly noticing the interruption "and nothing seemed to go my way after that. You were always in my face – whenever something went wrong with me, there you were, watching. I've hated you for that.
Oh, you don't understand," she burst out in a rush, "everyone has always admired me, praised me, looked up to me. The babes want me to tell them stories, Plato praises my singing to the skies. Everything I'm good at, I'm also better at than everyone else, at least I was. I never knew how important that was to me until you came along." "Me?" gasped Lucy.' "Yes you," said Jo soberly. "You're better at all of those things. Those stories you tell the Juniors – they're much better than anything I ever made up for them. You sing better, you're popular with the other girls and you seem to have this real gift for languages – I always thought I was the only one who could pick up an unfamiliar language so quickly."
Oh, if you only knew, thought Lucy, but she remained silent. Time enough for explanations later. It was more important for Jo to get everything out.
"And now," continued Jo, "here we are in some place called Narnia and you're a queen or something and I'm so tired," she would up, rather wearily.
Lucy looked at her more closely and noted the dark circles beneath Jo's eyes and her pallor. Probably, hasn't been sleeping properly either, she guessed shrewdly. "Let's sit down for a while and rest," she suggested gently. "Actually, I could do with a bit of a snooze myself, so why don't we get off this path and find a spot of grass to curl up on."
Jo agreed to this and so they turned right off the path and made their way across soft grass to a kind of bluebell wood in the distance. Inside, the light was dim and the ground beneath their tired feet was soft. There was a delicious scent all around them. Finally, they came to a clearing, beneath a slender, silvery tree. Without words, both girls stumbled forward and curled up on the soft bracken. Both were more exhausted than they knew and within minutes they were asleep, lulled by the fragrance of the flowers and the delicious warm breeze wafting around them.