"Fresh starts, thanks to the calendar they happen every year, just set your watch to January. Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Years resolutions. Put your past behind you and start over. It's hard to resist the chance of a new beginning, a chance to put the problems of last years to bed.
…
Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins. It's not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope. A new way of living and look at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember, amid all the crap, they're are a few things really worth holding onto." - Meredith Grey
The week after Christmas was crazy with the kids at home and Meredith home most days by herself. The winter brought many traumas to the hospital so Amelia and Owen were both super busy working as Neuro and Trauma surgeries were never ending. Alex was busy in Paeds, and Maggie was still in Boston. Meredith felt sorry for all the families having to spend their winter vacations at the hospital. But she was lonely. She wanted her friends with her. She couldn't handle this. She was exhausted, lonely, and struggling with the 3 kids at home. It was just too much.
Alex got home on Dec 30 to find Zola and Bailey watching TV with a million toys on the floor, Meredith crying on the couch and Lexie in her arms and latched on nursing.
"Uncle Alex! We're hungry," Zola yelled as she saw him.
"ZoZo, how about you put some toys away and then will make dinner? Bailey, please clean up the Duplo," Alex started heading over to Meredith.
"Mer, let me take Lexie. And then you can go have a bath or nap? What would you like?"
"Nap," she said passing him a sleeping Lexie. After putting Lexie in the playpen, he went back and helped Meredith up, pulling her into a big hug and guiding her to her bed. "Looks like you had a rough day. I'll take care of the kids and dinner."
Alex texted Amelia to see if she could find someone who was off to come and help with the kids.
She called him back in a panic. "What's up?"
"Mer is having difficulties coping. She was curled up crying and nursing Lexie when I got home. The house is a disaster and kids are hungry. I'm just going to start on dinner. She needs some support so another adult would be helpful."
"No problem. I'll see if I can get Jackson to head out."
"Thanks Amelia!"
"And I'll be out after my next surgery."
Alex put out some fruit and veggies for Zola and Bailey to snack on while he made dinner. He kept it simple by baking some chicken breasts, cooking rice and steaming veggies. He knew the kids would eat it and hopefully he could get Meredith to eat.
"Uncle Alex, do you have more cucumbers?" Zola asked.
"Did you two eat all the cucumbers? I'll have to check the fridge for more."
"Yummy!" Bailey added.
"Hi Uncle Jackson!" Zola yells as Jackson walks in the house just in time for dinner.
"Quiet voices, Mommy and Lexie should both be sleeping," Alex says.
"I'll go check on Meredith," Jackson says heading to her room.
She was sleeping so he left a glass of water on the bedside table. Walking into the kitchen, Jackson says "Mommy is sleeping, so lets sit at the table. Thank you Uncle Alex for cooking."
After dinner Jackson and Alex helped with the usual bedtime routine of baths, stories, and evening snacks. Jackson quickly grabbed Lexie when she started fussing and grabbed a bottle out of the fridge for her. He left Alex to the tedious task of convincing the kids to lay down and go to sleep. They would rather play with Uncle Alex and Uncle Jackson than go to bed, finally convincing them if they stayed up they would have to do all the dishes. After the kids were in bed, Alex and Jackson cleaned up the living room and kitchen and once done grabbed a beer and sat and chatted.
After they finished their beer, Alex went to check on Meredith, finding her crying on the bed, so he climbed onto the bed and pulled Meredith into his arms holding her tight.
Amelia got home late and found Jackson and Lexie curled on the couch sleeping together and Alex sitting on Meredith's bed holding her tight. Alex was awake, stroking Meredith's back and he whispered to Amelia that she'd been crying most of the evening and just fell back asleep. Amelia went and changed into pyjamas and then climbed onto Meredith's bed and then moved Meredith out of Alex's arms and onto the bed and Amelia wrapped her arms around her holding her tight. "Go get changed, and move Lexie to the bassinet. Send Jackson to your bed, he'll sleep better there," Amelia said.
"Thanks, I'll come back," Alex said.
Once Alex was back he changed positions with Amelia and said, "I'll stay with her tonight, but I think she needs help."
"Probably postpartum depression. She's had a hell of a year. I'll call Addison tomorrow and see what she recommends," Amelia replies knowing that with Addison helping they may not need to drag Meredith into the hospital. They had been watching her fight depression since Derek had died, but now with a one month old baby it was time for some medical help. The advantage of getting Addison to do the evaluation is that Meredith wouldn't get away with the "I'm fine" response.
Amelia texts Addison "Alex and I think Meredith has PPD, can you call her to diagnose and prescribe meds? Or do we have to drag her into the hospital?"
Within the hour, Addison replies with "Let me know when she's awake. I'll call her. She won't get an appointment with her OB over New Years. This isn't something for the attending or resident on call."
"Thanks Addie." Amelia replies.
Once Meredith was up and was sitting it the rocking chair nursing Lexie in the nursery, Amelia took Zola and Bailey outside to play to give Meredith some privacy while Addison called. Alex was going to sit with her and ensure the "I'm fine" message was ignored. When Meredith talked to Addison, she didn't even try to ignore her problems by saying "I'm fine", and when medication was suggested she quickly agreed. This was not Meredith's normal routine and both Alex and Addison knew that she must have been feeling really bad to easily agree. The conversation ended with Meredith agreeing to do follow-up appointments with Addison and possibly seeing a psychiatrist after the holidays.
Alex and Meredith moved to the couch after putting Lexie down for her morning nap, and she sat wrapped in his arms. They chatted about how overwhelming she found the previous few days, and how scared she was to leave Lexie alone in case anything happened. They agreed that if they could ensure that she wasn't left alone for more than 4 hours with all the kids. Alex suggested that if no one was available to come out to the house that Zola and Bailey should go to the daycare at the hospital.
"I'm still tired," Meredith said.
"Why don't you go take a nice warm bath, and then lay down," Alex suggested.
"That sounds good. Thank you for your support," Meredith says kissing him on the cheek.
"I'm here for you Mer," Alex says pulling her into a big hug before releasing her and sending her to her bathroom. "I'll get Lexie if she wakes up."
Alex calls Owen and asks if he would stop by the pharmacy before heading home and pickup Meredith's prescription that was called in by Addison. He updated Owen on Meredith's condition and how they might all need to change some work schedules to provide extra support for Meredith. Owen said he would talk to all those on shift and figure out how to ensure Meredith had support.
New Years Eve
Meredith sits on the couch nursing Lexie while Alex and Amelia are making breakfast for everyone. "Who is off tonight?"
"Head of Neuro is on-call for 36 hours."
"I am, I traded my shift. Not sure who else is," says Alex.
"Thanks, Alex. I don't want to be alone," Meredith says.
"Hey, no problem. I'd much rather be here with you and the kids, than covering the ER on New Years Eve! I'm no longer an Intern fighting for surgeries."
"Cristina would still be there fighting for surgeries."
"True! And Webber!" Alex says remembering when they separated the conjoined twins and Richard took the surgery away from him.
Remembering the Conjoined Twin Separation Surgery (Residency)
Richard: That was something, wasn't it, Karev? What a surgery.
Alex: This is a teaching hospital, okay? You were the Chief for 20 years. You're supposed to be teaching your residents, not stealing surgeries like some shark 5th year. It's not cool, okay? It's not fair.
Richard: Oh, I think I've taught you something today. You don't give up a once in a lifetime surgery. Not for any reason, not for anyone, not ever. Watch your back, Karev. I may decide to teach you something tomorrow.
Alex and Meredith watched the broadcast from London, England with the kids at 4pm (midnight in London) and then fed them dinner and put them to bed.
After the older two kids were put down, Meredith nursed Lexie and pumped an additional bottle of milk before settling down to cuddle with Alex. She was still exhausted, although she had slept better last night. It had been a hell of a year. She needed it to end.
Meredith's last journal entry for 2015:
2015 Sucked! Its over!
I have hardly worked. I need to get back to work soon, but I can't leave Lexie. I'm scared to leave her.
I took off a few months after Derek died, then part-time ramp, then weeks part-time while pregnant. And finishing the year on maternity leave. I started 2015 on a multi-week successful surgery run. I don't remember the total number, Edwards or Wilson would be able to tell you. The interns and residents were starting to fight to work with Medusa by March. And then it came to an end. My world changed.
I want to get back to work. Maybe part-time? Soon. I need to be in the OR. Need to cut! I need the focus and solace of the OR. I have 6 more weeks of maternity leave, but not sure if I can leave my kids. I can't even watch them all day.
Talking with Addison helped. Who would have thought that Derek's ex-wife and I would become friends?
Amelia has been great too. She's the closest of Derek's sisters. I think we've fought similar battles in our life. I'm glad I have her support.
Alex, my love. My person. He's been here through it all. And I will leave 2015 wrapped in his arms.
2016 please take it easy on me...
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney