CHAPTER THIRTEEN

He sighed, feeling the instant hit of guilt and regret, along with a barrage of self-hatred. He hadn't meant to treat her like that and her look of absolute fear towards him was almost too much to bear.

What had he done? He had driven away his only light – his hope – because of a stupid book. True, it held important information, but she was also right. He had allowed himself to be consumed completely by the shock of knowing that they were all part of the Ultimate Despair.

His anger hadn't even been meant for her. It was mostly towards himself and he had wrongfully projected it to the first person he saw and now, she was gone.

How could he get her to forgive him? How could he make it up to her? How was he even to ask her for her forgiveness when he clearly didn't deserve any? To begin with, he never deserved her love and hope. He knew she was too good for him. He knew. He knew and he still clung on to her.

Because he was selfish.

He craved her attention, her trust, her light, her hope.

He needed her.

He began to tug his hair in frustration.

Before she came into his life, he was depressed. He hated everything about himself. He hated how his luck took everything away from him.

"I love you, Rin-chan…" he sobbed, falling on to the bed. Her scent filled his nose. "Rin-chan…"

His thoughts and guilt continued to consume him, until there as a familiar sound that made him groggily sit up.

Ding Dong Bing Bong!

"A body has been discovered!"Monokuma announced. "After a certain amount of time has passed, the class trial will begin!"

Shortly after, the bear appeared with a bun wrapped in plastic and a bottle of water. "Here you go!" he snickered as he padded out of the room.

He wasn't ready for this. His grizzled mind wasn't prepared for another investigation. All he wanted to do was find Rin-chan and apologise.

Then again, they were all going to have to gather, so he could talk to her then.

The entire journey down the stairs and towards the elevator, he was going through all the ways he could grovel for forgiveness.

"The elevator isn't working!" Souda growled in frustration as Kuzuryu shouted for him to fix it.

Tanaka was looking solemn as he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and Nidai stood beside him.

He tilted his head. "Try opening the panel and rotating it one-hundred and eighty degrees," he mumbled before turning around and going into the Final Dead Room, instead.

In there, he was able to go through the trap door and jumped down into the Grape House.

He instinctively headed to where the commotion was, looking around for the one he was seeking, while also trying to figure out who wasn't there.

The crowd slowly parted and his eyes trailed up from the black loafers, up pale bare legs, forest green skirt, the white laced blouse, her hands crossed across her chest, and the red hair splayed neatly beneath her.

She looked so peaceful as if she was merely asleep.

Surely, this had to be a mistake? It wasn't the first time she had passed out from hunger.

"Rin-chan…?" He moved closer and closer before kneeling by her motionless form. "Rin-chan, wake up. I have food for you. Look!" He took out the bun he had received from Monokuma and gently nudged her cheek with it.

"Komaeda…" Hinata knelt down beside him with teary eyes. "She's – "

"Wake up, Rin-chan!" he shouted. He wasn't listening to anyone. His eyes were only for her. His everything was only for her. "If you don't wake up… How… How am I supposed to apologise…?"

He laid his head on her chest and stubbornly refuse to go anywhere.

Hinata gritted his teeth, brushing away the tears that kept forming in his eyes. Who would kill her? She never did anything wrong. She wasn't ever mean to anyone!

All this senseless killing…

He hated this.

But most of all, he hated himself.

He had heard footsteps just outside his door early in the morning. He waited, wondering briefly if it was someone who was here to kill him, but when no one tried to come in, he groggily got up and opened the door. He saw her retreating form. The question of why she was there briefly crossed his mind, but he had been so tired that he just crawled back into bed. If he just followed his instincts at that moment, then she would've still been alive.

Watching Komaeda now, the pain magnified. It was heart-wrenching.

Someone had snapped her neck and posed her body after her death. She was morbidly beautiful as she was – a fiery headed angel who could no longer spread her wings.

"Komaeda, she… She wouldn't want to see you like this…" he mumbled, unable to keep his voice from crackling.

It was even worse since he could hear Sonia crying

Komaeda shoved him away; his eyes were swirling with madness. It was as if someone else had replaced the snowy-haired boy he had come to know. It was almost like the first class trial again, but worse. The eyes that used to be a cruel amalgamation of hope and despair was quickly losing to the darkness.

He stayed uncharacteristically quiet through the entire investigation time, observing everything the others did while staying close enough to make sure no one disrespected her body.

Once they were done, eh wordlessly lifted her into his arms and carried her to Monokuma Rock for the class trial. No one objected, knowing that there was nothing they could've said or done to make this right again. Even if they didn't like him, they knew he needed to grieve.

Saeki Rin had been the one keeping him grounded and now that she was gone, no one knew what he would do next.

Once they arrived, Monokuma greeted them on his usual plush throne, giggling delightfully at their solemn faces. "Puhuhuhuhuhu! This time, the victim is Saeki Rin – the Ultimate Unlucky Student!"

Hinata looked at everyone's faces. They were all avoiding Komaeda's direction, but who had the guilty conscience this time?

"I was the first to find her," he quietly started the conversation, glancing to where she was being carefully cradled in Komaeda's arms. "I was going down for Monokuma tai Chi just before seven. She was… She was by herself and l-laying as we all found her. I went to look for the others as soon as possible."

It was difficult to speak. His heart hurt. He never admitted to anyone, but he did like her – he liked her a lot and had hoped that something more could come out of it because Komaeda had also accepted him, but now…

There was only regret.

He should've accepted her offer as soon as it came. Maybe things could've been different, just like if he had opened the door a little quicker and called out to her…

"I was still in my room during that time and was only woken up when the alarm clocks went off," Kuzuryu started. "After I managed to turn it off, I went back to bed. Souda and Tanaka were with me."

Tanaka remained silent, while Souda agreed with him.

"Komaeda, did you hear it?" Hinata asked, looking at the white-haired boy.

Komaeda was unresponsive. His eyes were dark and still swimming with despair. The one who dreamt of hope could see none.

"What about you, Nidai?" he redirected the question to the cyborg who seemed strangely quiet as well.

"Why does it matter if we heard a silly alarm?" Tanaka finally spoke, glaring back at him.

Hinata was surprised at how aggressive the Ultimate Breeder's tone was. "I only want to understand everything that happened, so we can figure out who killed her."

"We have to all work together. Any information could be helpful… I think," Chiaki quietly added.

"I agree." Sonia nodded, causing Souda to also chime in his support.

Looking around, there really weren't many of them left.

Hinata knew he didn't do it. He was pretty sure it wasn't Komaeda either or he wouldn't look so devastated. Besides, with how affectionate the two had been, it seemed unthinkable for him to kill her.

His opinion was not shared by everyone.

"Maybe Komaeda did it! He hasn't said anything and we all know how crazy he could be!" Souda blurted out. "Besides, they've been staying in the same room. It'd be easy for him to kill her!"

They finally all looked at the accused who was in his own world. Every once in a while, he'd mumble something to her – most of them apologies. Even Hinata could see how that could be damning.

"Well? Did you do it, you crazy asshole!" Souda shouted.

"Komaeda-san?" Sonia quietly pushed. She didn't want to hurt the mentally fragile individual, but the truth had to come out. There was much at stake.

They waited for a response – anything.

It was hard for all of them to do this, but if they didn't eliminate the chance of him being the culprit then they were never going to get anywhere.

"Komaeda…" Hinata didn't want to think that the one he had come to know as a friend – and perhaps even something more – could be capable of something so monstrous. To kill the one he claimed to love?

Nidai clenched his hands. He couldn't stand by and keep watching them trying to condemn a grieving man. "I did it. I killed Saeki Rin."

"What?"

Eight pairs of eyes fell on Nidai. Even Komaeda had his eyes on him, but it was almost as if he already knew who the murderer was. He was prepared for this to happen, but it was still nerve-wracking to see all the disbelieving eyes on him – even looking of betrayal. These were his friends, people he swore to protect, but…

Tanaka let out a deep breath when he saw the team manager struggle to find the words to continue. "I headed down to the meeting place for Monokuma Tai Chi after moving everyone's clock back. I knew Nidai's internal clock could not be deceived, so I followed him to the Grape House. I was… I was going to kill him, but the Goddess of Mercy appeared."

"I killed her," Nidai repeated, finally speaking up again. "We needed to kill to get out. I didn't mind dying, so I was going to let Tanaka kill me. Instead, Saeki-san came in and asked to take my place. She looked so sad – so broken up… I was the one who could make it as painless as possible, so I…. With my bare hands…"

"That's no fun…" Monokuma fumed.

Monomi frowned back at him. "Class trials are not supposed to be fun! They are sad and cruel!"

Monokuma smirked deviously at her before punching her hard in the face. Her small body swung violently as she wailed in pain.

"Vote for me, everyone," Nidai told them. "I killed Saeki Rin, so I deserve to die for what I've done."

When no one spoke, Monokuma grudgingly started the votes and they all silently voted for their recently returned coach.

"Yeah… Yeah… You guys correctly guessed the blackened…" the bear grumbled.

"I'm sorry, Komaeda," he apologised, but something still plagued him. "Before I die, tell me why she was so upset – why she looked so lost and devastated."

Komaeda's eyes were unreadable. He was a mess. Finally hearing them confirm his fears was too much to ear. Knowing that he was the reason her hope was gone… He might as well have killed her himself.

"I will stop this game," he whispered, dodging the question. "There will be no more murders. Rin-chan will be the last."

Hinata was fearful what Komaeda was planning, now. The helplessness was gone, replaced by mad determination. His lips were spread into a wide smile that stretched across his face.

"Komaeda - !"

He was gone before Nidai's punishment.

…

So dark…

Where was I?

How is it pitch black everywhere, but I could see still myself so clearly?

How did that make sense?

It didn't.

Was there just… nothing here?

Then, what was creating the light for me to see myself?

I continued to look myself over in fascination. Every detail was as clear as day.

Confused, I dropped my hands to my side and began to wander.

I walked and walked, hoping to find something – anything. How did I even get here? What was I doing?

Where was Koma –

I bent over, holding my head in pain.

Flashes of what happened hit me like an oncoming train.

The yelling…

The fear…

The hate…

The disgust…

The disdain…

The heartbreak…

The despair…

So much despair.

I found Tanaka and Nidai fighting, trying to figure out who should die to save everyone else and I offered myself as sacrifice. It was a win-win situation for us. I wanted to end it all and by doing so, I could save most of them, so… was this the end of the line? Was this the afterlife? Was this Hell?

Ha… maybe this was my bad luck.

Even in death, I was to face an eternity in this void with only my memories to lament over every decision that led me here.

An eternity of thinking about him – the one who had my love and my contempt.

Komaeda Nagito.

Every thought of him hurt – both the good and the bad.

I remember all the wonderful times I had with him – the secret smiles and stolen kisses. Feeding him in the old building before I really got to know him and the dark cinema where we kissed for the first time. He even promised to teach me how to swim. I was tempted. Even the Despair Disease that drew us closer together. We were so close to death, but it drew me out of my shell.

I wanted to be his everything.

For someone who had to live with this curse of misfortune for so long, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now. Nothing ever worked out. I always end up with the short end of the stick.

Komaeda seemed a little unhinged, but he was so kind. He seemed to genuinely like me.

It was all a lie.

He was only with me because he wanted me to be his hope.

Hope…

I was kind of starting to hate that word. He was so obsessed with it and when he read that we were part of the Ultimate Despair, that was it. He didn't need to hear anything else from me. I was no longer his hope. I was something even worse than the sand beneath his feet.

He didn't want to see me anymore.

Did that mean he never loved me?

To let me go so easily…

It was rather laughable.

I was so naïve.

It was my fault, wasn't it? I should've known better. I had seen his true colours only a day after meeting him. He was a mad man. Not only that, we had only been acquainted for a couple of weeks and I had already given him my everything.

What a slut…

I was nothing but a useless slut who could never do anything right.

I hated myself for loving him so completely that it destroyed me to lose him.

To allow him so much power over me…

Idiot.

After meaningless hours of walking and berating myself, I gave up and just laid there in the darkness. It felt as if I was drowning in self-pity.

I couldn't recall ever hating myself so much…

Even now, my thoughts kept drifting off to him. It longed for him – his touch, his smile, his kiss, his love. He was so self-deprecating, but it was me who was the pathetic one. I couldn't even survive a minute without him.

Ha…

"Nagito-kun…" Tears fell down the sides of my face. "Nagito-kun, I love you…"

I loved him so much. I wanted to be with him again. I wanted to wrap myself in his arms and cuddle up close to his chest. I wanted to listen to his heart flutter in his chest and dig my fingers into his fluffy, white hair.

Just thinking about it made me warm all over.

"So cruel…" I mumbled. "Nagito-kun… I miss you…"

What if we really were part of the Ultimate Despair? What did Enoshima do to us? What happened at Hope's Peak for this to happen?

I mean…

I was clearly susceptible to Despair. That in itself was a very despairing thought.

I laughed pathetically at myself.

How much time had passed? Was it seconds, minutes, hours, days, years?

Nothing ever changed around me, just an endless black, but my thoughts continued to run rampant.

A part of me wondered if I would've made the same decision if I wasn't already on the verge of dying from starvation. Had I been delirious out of my mind before he woke me up? Probably. Would I have done the same any other time? Maybe. That was probably all part of Monokuma's plan. Even Tanaka and Nidai had been fighting. We were all bound to do something stupid.

As usual, we played right into his slimy paws.

Stupid bear…

I really hated him.

"Rin-chan…"

I froze.

Komaeda?

"Rin-chan…"

I sat up and looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen. Was I hallucinating? Even here, I had no way of hiding from him. Had he truly integrated himself so deeply inside me?

"I'm so sorry… I will make it right…"

Where was this voice coming from? Could I really be wanting him to apologise to me so badly?

"No one else will have to die..."

"This will be the final one."

The darkness suddenly dissolved, revealing a strange, unfamiliar scene before me.

I looked around me to see that I was in some sort of warehouse or factory. It was dark and dirty and smelled of gasoline.

"A-Ah…"

Turning around, I was met with a disturbing sight.

Komaeda?

He was sitting on the concrete floor with his legs spread apart and his ankles tied by thick lengths of rope. With a knife, he began to slash his thighs, gritting his teeth while still grinning like a maniac.

I let out a terrified scream and ran forward to try to stop him, but no matter what I did, I was useless. I couldn't grab on to anything. "N-No…"

"Haha… Hahaha! This pain… Not even a fraction of what I inflicted on you…" He was still chuckling when he dropped the knife beside him before laying down on his back to tie up his left hand.

"Stop… Stop…" I begged, shaking helplessly by his body.

He may have broken my heart, but I didn't want him to die and I definitely didn't want him to mutilate himself. I wanted so desperately to stop him, but I didn't know how. This was so terrible…

Komaeda…

"Haha… HAHAHAHAHA!" Utter glee suddenly filled his eyes. "Ah… Rin-chan… Rin-chan… I'll be joining you, soon…" He shakily reached over to slowly pull on another rope.

A glint in the darkness caught my eyes and I followed it to see a spear rising off from the floor and swinging dangerously above him.

No…

"Allow me to grovel for your forgiveness. Allow me to have an eternity to make it up to you…" Tears trailed down the side of his face. "Rin-chan… 'Love you… So much… Let me see you, again, Rin-chan…"

"Don't do this, Nagito-kun! Make it up to me later! Make it up to me by living and becoming a better person! Love yourself. Please!" I cried, hovering over his broken body.

"Rin-chan…?" With his right hand, he reached towards me and his eyes were trained on mine. Was it possible that he could see me?

"I'm here! I'm here, so stop being stupid! I forgive you, okay?! I forgive you!" I wanted to touch him so badly. "And… And… I told you to treat yourself better! D-Don't… D-Don't die…"

"Ah… Rin-chan… You're so beautiful…" His hand went through me. "Hah… That's right… I no longer deserve to touch you… I've… betrayed your trust. I've betrayed your love… Your hope… I had done that to you – snuffed out that hope and replaced it with despair. This is only the… first step of my plan to find… redemption...

"It would be far too arrogant of me to ask you to wait for me, but I… I'm very happy to see you… Even if you're not real… Even if it's something my rotting brain conjured… To see you one last time…

"Watch, Rin-chan… This will be glorious. I will end this game and with my luck… Hope shall triumph," he sighed happily. He shakily taped up his mouth and began to juggle the knife, placing it into his left hand.

With a deep breath, he slammed his right hand into the blade, piercing right through the flesh with little resistance. The gasp of pain was followed by a string of muffled giggles. It appeared as if he wanted to say something more, but the duct tape held on tight.

I stayed with him as the blood splattered everywhere and was startled by the sound of a door bursting open.

Suddenly, the room was engulfed in flames, surging up the black curtains. Was that part of his plan as well?!

I could hear Hinata and everyone else standing just outside, shouting to each other before their voices faded into the distance.

"No! Come back!" I tried to run after them, but I immediately hit an invisible wall. "Hinata-kun! Hinata-kun! He's here! Help him! Please, help him!"

Fortunately, it wasn't long before they returned, tossing fire grenades at the high flames. There was so much smoke, but also another sort of gas that didn't smell… quite right…

"Ngh!"

I gasped, turning back to see pain covering his face. His back arched, but he could barely move an inch off the floor.

"Nagito-kun!"

The light in his eyes faded, frozen in pain and the rope in his hand fell, striking his body with the spear.

The image of his broken body was the last thing I saw before everything was consumed by darkness, once more.

"No!" I screamed. "No! Give him back to me! What kind of sick joke is this?! Let me out of here! Please! Please…"

It didn't matter.

My words meant nothing here.

I was powerless.

I fell…

And fell…

Deeper…

Deeper into despair…