Chapter 16: Sunday Funday

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. With everything going on in the world, I had to move away from my angsty story for a while to write fluff. Then, I kind of thought people had lost interest, but since a few people have asked about this story recently, maybe I was wrong. Either way, I will definitely finish this story, but it may be slower than I'd like. Being my first story, it's close to my heart, so I want to do it justice. Sorry!

Sunday

Jane's POV

Jane rolled towards the middle of the bed and reached out for her girlfriend, but the other side of the bed was empty. Maura had only been there a week, but Jane had already gotten used to waking up next to her. She didn't like waking up alone, and she instantly missed Maura. She crawled out of bed, making a quick stop in the bathroom to pee and brush her teeth. She found Maura sitting at the breakfast bar, dressed and ready for the day with her tablet and a coffee. Leaning over to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek, her voice hoarse from sleep, she said to Maura, "Good morning, love. Have you been up long?"

Maura stood up to get Jane a coffee. "About an hour," Maura answered. "I didn't want to wake you. I thought you might be tired after the party."

"Thanks," Jane said as Maura handed her a cup of coffee. "You could have woken me up. I like waking up next to you."

"I like waking up next to you, too," Maura replied as she returned to her seat next to Jane.

They sat in silence for a few minutes as Maura continued to scroll through the news on her tablet and they both enjoyed their morning coffee.

"What would you like to do today?" Jane asked once the caffeine had started to kick in and she was feeling more awake.

"There is a farmer's market not far from here that is open until noon. I was thinking we could pick up some fresh fruits and vegetables for the week. I can plan the menu around what we find. Other than that, I don't have much in mind."

"That sounds good," Jane said. "I'll just take a quick shower and be ready soon."

About 45 minutes later, Jane and Maura entered the farmer's market. They both had been relatively quiet on the drive to the market. Jane was still tired from the night before, but she was starting to notice that something seemed off with Maura. As they walked among the stalls, she tried to pay better attention to Maura's behavior and mood. By the third stall, Jane knew something wasn't right when Maura picked up the same tomato three different times to check its ripeness. While Maura was paying for the vegetables she had selected, Jane looked around, finding a coffee shop just to the side of the market.

"Let's get coffee," Jane suggested, gesturing to the coffee shop when Maura was done paying. She took the bag of produce from Maura, offering to carry it.

"Okay," Maura said, offering Jane a small smile, but Jane noticed that her smile didn't reach her eyes.

Maura remained quiet while they waited in line at the coffee shop. As they exited with their coffee, Jane took Maura's free hand in her own. Giving it a light squeeze, Jane asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm just a bit tired," Maura said, not turning to meet Jane's gaze.

"Let's sit," Jane said softly, tugging at Maura's hand to guide her to a nearby bench. "You seem more than tired, Maura. Talk to me."

Maura continued staring off into the distance, feigning watching the people milling around the farmer's market. She wasn't sure what to say. She couldn't lie and say everything was okay – Jane would know she was lying as soon as the hives appeared – but she wasn't able to voice the truth either. How could she tell Jane that she felt like she didn't deserve her? She knew that Jane would try to reassure her, would probably even insist that she – Jane – didn't deserve Maura.

Maura was silent long enough for Jane to grow even more concerned. "Are you worried about Ian?" Jane guessed.

Maura shook her head. "No," she answered honestly. She actually hadn't even thought about him since their conversation with Angela Thursday evening. "Honestly, I think it's just hitting me more and more how much I've missed you," she whispered.

Jane wrapped her arm around Maura's shoulders, pulling her close, and placing a soft kiss on the side of her head. "I've missed you, too," Jane said into Maura's hair.

Maura didn't say anything as she tried to blink back tears, glad her face was mostly hidden from Jane, especially once Jane rested her cheek against Maura's head. They stayed like that for a while longer before returning to the farmer's market.

When they arrived home after lunch, Jane was still worried about Maura. Even with her confession about missing Jane, Jane was pretty sure Maura was still withholding something from her. She tried to make Maura laugh as they unpacked their purchases. Maura laughed, smiled, and responded to Jane, but Jane still noticed that Maura's laughter didn't last as long as usual. She noticed that Maura's eyes didn't twinkle like they normally did when she smiled, and she saw the sadness and anxiety in Maura's features when Maura didn't think Jane was looking.

"Should we do some more packing?" Maura asked as they finished putting everything away.

"No," Jane said. "Let's sit." Jane took Maura's hand and led her to the couch. Jane sat down on the couch, stretching her legs out along the length of the sofa before pulling Maura down to sit sideways on her lap, so that they could still look at each other's faces. She wrapped her arms around Maura and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. "Something's wrong," Jane stated.

"What?" Maura asked, concern and fear flooding her system as she misinterpreted Jane's statement.

"There's still something you're not telling me," Jane said. "I know you said you missed me, and I missed you too, but…" Jane trailed off when Maura's gaze faltered at her words. "Why does it bother you when I say I missed you, too?" Jane knew she'd found the route of the issue when Maura closed her eyes at Jane's question. Jane got the impression that Maura wanted to hide from the conversation. She started to worry Maura was going to run, but she hadn't pulled away yet.

"I hate how much I hurt you," Maura said, and Jane could hear the pain and vulnerability in her voice. Maura blinked quickly before looking up to the ceiling in a futile attempt to stop the tears from coming.

"Maura, we both hurt each other," Jane said softly. "I thought we were going to try to move forward. I'm not saying we can't talk about the past – I always want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything – but I don't understand why you seem more upset now than when you first arrived."

"It's like I said earlier: I'm realizing more as time goes on how much I hurt you," Maura replied. "My relationship with Ian hurt you. That was never my intention. I wasn't trying to flaunt my relationship in front of you. I was so blind to your feelings that I didn't even realize that my relationship bothered you. I knew you didn't particularly like Ian, but I thought it was more about him, not about my relationship with him. How can I claim to be your best friend if I couldn't see what was right in front of me? I'm supposed to know you better than anyone else – than everyone else; yet, everyone else seemed to know your feelings while I was completely oblivious."

"But Maura, that goes both ways," Jane tried to assure her. "I didn't realize you had feelings for me either even though everyone else thought it was obvious. We both seemed to be the last to know."

Maura shook her head, tears streaming thickly down her face. "It's not the same," she said thickly. "I was in a relationship. While part of me, of course, wishes that you had still said something, the other part of me appreciates that you respected me enough not to try to sabotage my relationship."

"You would do the same," Jane said. "No, you did do the same – I think, anyway. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," Maura said quietly, her eyes finally returning to Jane as she searched the other woman's face in an attempt to understand where she was going with this.

Jane shifted uncomfortably. "When did you first know you had feelings for me – I mean, as more than a friend?"

Maura tilted her head in thought, the tears starting to slow. "I don't think there was a single moment in time or a single event that led to some big epiphany. You were always different. No one else at any point in my life has come close to being as important to me as you are. In some ways, it was like that from the very beginning, but for a while, I was able to convince myself that it was just because I've never had a best friend before. The first time I even allowed myself to think about the possibility that my feelings weren't strictly platonic was when you came to my house when Hoyt escaped, and you asked me if we were having a sleepover or if it was my way of telling you I was attracted to you. I mean, I was always attracted to you; there was no question about that, but that was the first time I asked myself if I wanted something more than friendship with you. I quickly dismissed the idea though. That doesn't mean that I didn't already love you, but I wasn't ready to recognize it.

"Even though I always knew I wanted to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I think part of me still believed that wasn't a realistic possibility for me. Therefore, on some level, I considered romantic relationships to be temporary. Lovers had come and gone over the years, but I'd never lost a best friend. I'd never had a best friend to lose, which was a major flaw in my thought patterns. I'm not trying to defend my thinking though, just explain it. Of course, after that the idea of something more than friendship with you came up – at least in my thoughts and dreams – every so often. The next time I really thought about it deeply was after Garrett was arrested for Adam's murder. I spent a lot of time thinking about my reaction to your reaction to Garrett, if that makes sense.

"It was when I watched you shoot yourself, though, that I knew and fully admitted that my feelings for you weren't just friendly and they weren't just a crush. Sitting in your hospital room, I finally let myself say – even if just to myself – that I loved you, that I was in love with you, and that that wasn't going to be temporary."

Jane tightened her grip on Maura, feeling of guilt, affection, regret, and love swirling inside her. "Frankie says that's when he knew that you were in love with me," Jane said quietly. "He said he knew I was in love with you when I wore a unitard that said PUKE in public." Maura laughed at that, and Jane realized that the feeling of Maura laughing in her arms was definitely among her favorite feelings. They had held each other, of course, but usually it had been in comfort or support. While they might have lied close to each other while watching movies, but they didn't hold each other like this on occasions where laughter might happen.

"When did you know?" Maura asked.

"Honestly, I was pretty late to the game," Jane admitted. "I can look back now – I've done that a lot over the past few years – and see that I was already in love with you back then. I mean, the way I reacted to Garrett and Ian wasn't really normal for a best friend. I didn't fully understand what I was feeling though until I realized I'd rather raise my baby with you than with Casey.

"Although, if anything should have told me how I felt about you, it was probably when I answered the phone 'whatever you want, I can get it,'" Jane added. "Like I said, I was a bit slow in figuring it out. That doesn't mean I didn't love you a lot earlier than that. There are a lot of things that happened before the baby that when I think about them, I can't believe I didn't see how I felt then. Everything with Paddy and Hope probably should have clued me in, too."

Maura sighed, closing her eyes as she tried to center herself, her fingers tracing idle patterns on Jane's bare arm. "I'm not sure that this changes anything about how my actions over the past year hurt you," she said.

"No, I know," Jane said. "I was asking because I wanted to know if you…I, um…did my relationship with Casey hurt you like that? Did you feel the way I've felt over the last year when I was with Casey?"

A few additional tears escaped Maura's eyes. She could feel Jane's eyes on her as she stared straight ahead, not focusing on anything in particular. "I'm not sure it's the same," she said quietly. "You didn't know how you felt about me when you were with Casey."

"That's not what I asked," Jane said gently, recognizing Maura's attempt to avoid the question. "I want to know how you felt."

"Yes," Maura finally admitted as she brought her hand up to wipe away the tears that had intensified with her confession.

"And yet, you did everything in your power to support me and my relationship with him because you wanted me to be happy. My point is how we've hurt, helped, neglected, or supported each other has gone both ways over the years. Just because your relationship with Ian was more recent doesn't make you more at fault for how long it took us to get here. My hurt isn't any more important than your hurt just because people have called you out on it."

Maura nodded before shifted her body to get closer to Jane. She brought her legs up onto the couch and wrapped her arms around Jane so that she was laying mostly on top of Jane and slightly wedged between Jane's body and the couch. She rested her head on Jane's chest, reveling in the feeling of Jane's heartbeat for a few moments before she spoke. "I still feel bad," Maura admitted.

"I do, too," Jane said softly, "and I don't know if that guilt will ever fully go away, but I'm a firm believer that since we can't change the past, we need to focus on the future."

Maura nodded against Jane's chest. They both fell silent, lost in their own thoughts about their relationship over the years, until they fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms for an unplanned afternoon nap.