Chapter 32

They gathered together over lunch to talk. There was hope that had been missing before, with Tim actually reaching out a little bit and Gibbs actually speaking to him and determined not to leave without him.

This was one time when it was just the ones who knew Tim. Oliver and Teresa had been useful and they'd become friends (and more than friends), but they didn't know Tim and they'd have to start from square one with him. In a way, it would be easier than for those who knew him well. So it was worth it to take some time to address the issue explicitly. Ducky was treating Tony, Ziva and Jimmy to lunch so that they could talk about what would happen if/when Tim came back.

"Thank you all for joining me," Ducky said.

"Hey, if you're paying, I'm all for it," Tony said, sounding almost like his old self. Not quite, but almost.

Ducky smiled. "I'm happy to do it."

"What's this about, Dr. Mallard?" Jimmy asked.

"I felt it would be a good idea to discuss how we will approach Timothy's return, if it happens."

"It will," Ziva said. "Even if he decides he cannot stay, he will come back."

Ducky felt a rush of sympathy. He knew that Ziva's efforts would feel like failure if Tim didn't come back to NCIS. She had done everything she could and she didn't want to face the idea that it might not have been enough.

"I do hope that you're right, Ziva, but even if you are, it would behoove us to decide how best to make his return as easy as possible. The reasons for Timothy's departure can't go away, nor will his obvious psychological damage heal right away. If we do not approach it correctly, we may inadvertently drive him away. He will be wary of being blamed in any way for Abigail's death. He will be afraid of any reference to his role in her death, his role in the death of Abigail's killer and, in the beginning, very likely, his book as well."

They all nodded solemnly.

"So what can we do?" Tony asked. "You wouldn't have said all this if you didn't have some kind of idea, Ducky."

"I'm not sure of the right answer, Anthony, but I know it must be a unified approach. We all have different personalities and we shouldn't try to suppress that, but we should all be sure that we are on the same page. If you harbor any feeling of blame toward Timothy, you must not express it. I won't ask if you do or don't."

"Should we talk about Abby when he's around?" Jimmy asked.

"That I am not sure of at all. It might be nice to take the time to reminisce about her, but the recollections will likely be somewhat painful, even in the best of circumstances... and not necessarily for Timothy alone," Ducky said. He looked at Tony who shifted his gaze away without speaking. Ducky felt that Tim's healing might help Tony's healing as well.

"What if we had a memorial for her?" Tony asked, after a moment. "It's been about a year since... she died. We could get together and just talk about her, and it would be for all of us, not just Tim. He wasn't here for the funeral, so he didn't get to do that part."

"True. It might help him grieve in a more healthy fashion if he could participate in a formal occasion like that," Ducky said, nodding. "But I think it would be best not to spring that on him as soon as he comes back. Give him a chance to be here and to see that life can and has gone on."

There was a pause, and then, Tony asked the question that all of them were secretly wondering.

"What if he comes back and then doesn't stay? What if he leaves again?"

"I don't know," Ducky said, honestly. "Could it mean he'll never truly heal? It may. Could it simply mean that he can't be happy here but he could elsewhere? It's possible. This was a horrible, tragic moment for all of us, and Timothy would not be the first to avoid revisiting the scene of a tragedy."

"Then, we'll just have to make sure that he can see the good stuff," Jimmy said, nodding firmly. "We can make it easy for him until he can see it for himself."

"I do not think it will necessarily be so simple," Ziva said.

"True, but it need not be complicated," Ducky said. "You all want Timothy to feel free to return to his job. All I suggest to start is that you be a little more overt about your interest in his return than you might typically be." Then, he smiled gently. "Be happy."

Ziva nodded in agreement, as did Jimmy. Tony was a little behind them, and Ducky knew why. He still struggled with that. They finished their lunch and then, Ziva was going to meet up with Oliver before getting back to work and Jimmy had to get to a seminar.

Tony lingered as Ducky paid the bill.

"Yes, Anthony?" he asked.

"Do you think it's a good idea for McGee to come back here?" Tony asked.

Ducky raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not saying I don't want him to," Tony said quickly, "but I knew that was what Ziva would assume and I didn't want to have to deal with that. I mean... is this really good for him to come back. I think Ziva's right that he will at first, but what if it's just because he's planning on punishing himself more than he could in Maine? What if–?"

"I doubt he could do that based on what Jethro has told me," Ducky said.

"Maybe. But she was here. You know how long it took me to go down to the lab, to talk to Oliver and Teresa, to... let her go." Tony took a breath. "What if this really isn't good for him?"

"I understand your concern, and I think it's good to consider it, but I believe that returning here would be good for Timothy, if for no other reason than that I don't think he ever wanted to leave. He left as punishment. Returning would be a way of saying that he didn't deserve that punishment."

There was a pause.

"I want him to come back, Ducky," Tony said, finally. "But I only want that if it's going to help him. I don't just want him to come back to push the reset button and put things the way they were."

"I think that's impossible," Ducky said. "Too much has changed, in both good and bad ways. The reset button has been broken and cannot be repaired. We shall simply have to do our best and continue on and make a good life out of what we have, rather than trying to recreate what cannot be made."

Tony nodded. Then, they left the café together and headed back to NCIS.

"Are you happy, Anthony?"

"Mostly. Not all the time. Sometimes, even now, I still can't believe that Abby's gone, and it's hard to remember that she is."

"I understand. I feel the same on occasion." Ducky smiled. "But then, I remember what Abigail would do if she saw us moping."

Tony laughed. "Yeah, I can almost feel her punching me in the arm."

Ducky chuckled. "Indeed. And that is what all of us must do. One step at a time, one day at a time, and we can remember her and enjoy the memories we have."

"Yeah. Thanks, Ducky. For lunch and everything."

"My pleasure, Anthony. Now, we should both get back to our work."

They walked back to the Yard together.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Well, Tim?" Sam asked.

Tim was staring at the ground. Because it was a nice day, they were sitting outside. It was possible to get Sam inside, but it was harder than it needed to be.

"Well, what?" Tim asked.

"You know what," Sam said. "Viktor Frankl said, 'Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.' You still have that, and you have to make that choice, Tim. We'd all like to choose for you because we think the choice is obvious, but you need to do it."

"Why can't I see that, then?" Tim asked, softly, still staring at the ground.

"Because you're afraid to do it," Sam said, bluntly. "You know what to choose, but you're afraid to do it. 'You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.'"

That got Tim to look up in surprise, and Sam grinned.

"Dr. Seuss?" Tim asked, almost smiling himself.

"He knows what he's talking about, and he's so good that he can even say it in rhyme."

Tim laughed softly and then looked back at the ground.

"'Of all the things you choose in life, you don't get to choose what your nightmares are. You don't pick them; they pick you.' John Irving," Tim said, softly.

Sam reached out and squeezed Tim's shoulder.

"It's true, but that doesn't have to be all your life is. Dag Hammarskjold. 'We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours.' You didn't choose what happened, but how you deal with it is something you can choose, and you need to. Not choosing is a choice in itself and it's not one that will be good for you."

"I can't think of any others," Tim said softly.

"Then, how about this?" Sam said. "'We may be up against a stone wall, but we don't have to bloody our heads against it unless we choose to.' William Glasser. Tim, you've spent a lot of the last year beating yourself against that wall. You don't have to keep doing it. You can choose to do something else. You can choose... to go back."

"I still don't feel like I can."

"You could try Ohio, first," Sam suggested, "but we both know that you need to go back to DC. That's where you need to test the waters. That's what you're afraid of. Ultimately, right now, going to Ohio would only be delaying what you need to do, even though your mother and I would love to see you there."

"If I do go back... what can I do?"

Sam pulled on Tim's shoulder to force him to look up, to meet his gaze. He made sure that Tim was really looking at him before speaking.

"The same thing you did before," he said. "Your job. You live your life. Sarah will be there and you can bet she'll hang on you for a while, afraid that you'll disappear again. You'll struggle for a while, trying to fit yourself into a changed situation. You'll have to learn how to adapt, but you'll do it. Eventually. All these things take time, and trying to avoid them doesn't help you or anyone else. It just delays what needs to be done."

"How long will it take?" Tim asked.

"As long as it needs to," Sam said. "We'll even come with you to DC to help you get started if you need us to do it."

There was a lengthy pause.

"Do you need us to do that?"

Tim swallowed. "I don't have an apartment anymore."

"You can find one, and you can stay with one of your friends while you look for one. Maybe even one that has room for a couch."

Tim managed to smile again, but it was clear that he was trying to think of any valid objection to going back. Sam knew it. Tim knew it. The thing was that both of them also knew that this wasn't just Tim trying to get out of it. Tim was trying to make sure that there was no valid objection. He was still shaky, even now, and the slightest obstacle would be too much at the beginning. Sam could see it, and he wanted to do whatever it would take to make sure that didn't happen.

"Tim, do you want this?"

Tim took a breath and didn't answer. Sam knew that he was afraid to say it out loud. Tim still hadn't fully accepted that he could live a good life, but he was on the verge.

"Come on, Tim."

Tim looked down at the floor again.

"Yes," he whispered, so softly it was almost just a breath.

"That's a good thing, Tim. It's not bad for you to want to go back. It's not bad for you to want to live your life."

"It still feels like it is."

"I know, but you can get better... but you have to keep working on it. It takes effort. Dale Carnegie said that 'Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.' And while he's talking about bigger things than one person, it's the same principle. You have to keep on trying, Tim, even though it's hard, even though it sometimes feels like it's impossible. You have to keep trying. I hesitate to quote a rock band, but The Rolling Stones sang once, 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.'"

Tim laughed a little.

"You can't have Abby back. You can't change the past, but you can reach out for a real future. As long as you're really trying to do it."

Still with his face turned toward the floor, Tim spoke.

"Michael Faraday. 'But still try, for who knows what is possible?'"

Sam wasn't sure whether to agree or not with that, but then, Tim said more.

"Can I really go back?" he asked, still very softly.

"Yes, you can. At the very least, you should try it."

Tim took a deep breath and looked up at his father.

"Okay."