Rayna
She walked over to the back stairs. "Maddie? Daphne? Y'all coming?" she called up. She turned back to see Teddy putting dishes away and she fought the little quiver of irritation. "We won't be gone long," she said. He looked up at her, his face showing no real emotion. It had been a strain, really, on both of them, as they had navigated their way through the month of December. She was so ready for the charade of them being together to be over, not that she was particularly anxious to upend the girls' lives. It felt like such a conundrum. On the one hand, she needed Teddy to be gone, at least from the house, since she wouldn't be able to completely erase him from their lives. But on the other hand, it would be hard on their daughters and she hated causing them even a moment of pain.
The girls barreled down the stairs then and into the kitchen. Teddy's face changed instantly, as he smiled at Maddie and Daphne, who were chattering and laughing. His eyes crinkled in that boyish way they still did and it reminded her, with a pang, of the man he was when she met him and married him. Maybe he hadn't been prepared for what marrying her would be like. Not just being a father to another man's child, but being the husband of a major country artist, with a professional life very unlike anything he was used to. He would sometimes grumble about standing on the side of the stage, and maybe that played into it. She sighed. It didn't matter anymore. What they had was over and there was no sense dwelling on it.
She turned to the girls and smiled, as they were getting into their coats. They looked so happy and carefree. Of course it was Christmas too and they were still both young enough to believe in Santa and all the other magic of Christmas. She didn't want to interfere with that. She just wanted them to enjoy these last few carefree days before everything changed. "Are y'all ready?" She pointed. "That box has everything in it. The DVD, the cookies and other treats, and that stocking you made, Daphne." Daphne beamed. It had been a school project, making a Christmas stocking using a pre-made felt stocking and adding decoration to it. She had worried that Deacon didn't have one and so she had put his name on it and made it her present to him. Deacon didn't really do Christmas anymore, she knew, but he would love that Daphne had made it for him.
Maddie picked up the box. "Does he know we're coming?" she asked, looking worried.
She nodded. "I told him y'all had something to bring over and he said he'd be there. So let's go."
"Bye, Dad!" the girls called out as they hurried out the back door and headed for the car.
Deacon
He heard the knocking on the front door and got up from the couch. He opened the door to Maddie and Daphne, huge smiles on their faces, and Rayna standing behind them, a box in her arms. "Deacon, we brought you presents!" "I made you something!" "We made cookies and brownies and stuff!" The girls were excitedly telling him what they'd brought. He held the door open so they could come in. When he'd closed it behind Rayna, after giving her a quick smile, he turned back to the girls, who were clamoring to hug him. He loved Rayna's girls, because they were hers, but he'd always regretted it hadn't been the two of them who'd brought them into the world.
Rayna walked over to the coffee table and set the box down and the girls instantly started pulling things out. Maddie handed him a wrapped gift that he knew was the Old Yeller DVD Rayna had asked him about. "This is from me," she said, smiling sweetly. "Don't open it until Christmas."
He grinned. "Promise," he said. He took it from her and laid it under the tree, retrieving his gift for her, the songbooks. "And this is for you."
"Thank you, Deacon," Maddie cried, her eyes sparkling with Christmas joy. She hugged him.
Daphne reached in the box and pulled out what was obviously a handmade Christmas stocking. It was covered haphazardly with glitter and bows and bells and his name was written with glitter in block letters. "I made it at school!" she shouted. "I didn't know if you had one."
He looked over at the fireplace, then back at her. "I do not," he said. "So thank you very much. I'll make sure to hang it up." Daphne clasped her hands under her chin and beamed. He handed her a small box. "And this is for you, sweetie." He'd gotten her a little necklace Rayna had told him she would love.
He glanced over at Rayna and he thought she looked a little wistful, even though she was smiling. She looked festive, with a red sweater under her coat and a candy cane pin on the coat lapel. "And we made our traditional cookies and brownies and the girls wanted to be sure you had some," she said. "They were worried you wouldn't have anything for Christmas." She glanced over at the decorated Christmas tree Carmen had insisted he get, when she had arrived – early – the day before. "I see you have a tree though," she said, looking surprised.
He started to say something but then heard the bedroom door open behind him. He watched Rayna's eyes flick over his shoulder and then caught the immediate tension on her face. "Well, Merry Christmas, Rayna," he heard Carmen say. "And these must be your girls."
He turned to face Carmen. She looked at him with one of those sly smiles, then back at Rayna and the girls, who weren't saying a word.
"Merry Christmas, Carmen," Rayna said, her voice tight. "I didn't realize you were, uh, coming to visit."
Carmen shrugged. "Last minute thing. Deacon didn't want to spend the holidays alone." That wasn't really true, but he wasn't going to argue it while Rayna and the girls were here.
He turned to look at Maddie and Daphne. "Carmen's actually a friend of mine and your mama's. From a long time ago. Carmen, these are Rayna's girls, Maddie and Daphne."
Carmen gave them a genuine smile. "I'm glad to meet you two. And I hope you two have a really great Christmas and get everything you asked for." He knew this was awkward for Rayna, but in light of everything, he thought maybe it was good for her to know he wasn't just waiting.
They didn't stay much longer. He just wondered when she'd ask him about it. Because he knew she would.
Rayna
It was a good thing the girls were chattering to each other, because she was pissed that Carmen was at Deacon's. The other woman had walked out of Deacon's bedroom in jeans and a flannel shirt she was certain belonged to him. She wondered why Carmen had come for Christmas. Had Deacon asked her? Were things becoming serious between the two of them? She had tried not to interfere in his personal life, even when she'd watch him leave an after party with some random woman, but Carmen was different. She had never trusted Carmen. She knew Deacon thought it was that she didn't trust the other woman around him, but it was really that she felt Carmen was a bad influence on Vince, who was in turn a bad influence on Deacon.
It wasn't her business, though, who Deacon spent time with. It was his life and if they were both to move on with their lives, she couldn't say anything about how he did that. She hated it though, because she wanted better for him.
She came down the back stairs after getting the girls to finally go to sleep. Christmas Eve was always hard for them when they were so wired with excitement. But they had finally both worn down enough that they were fast asleep. She and Teddy, practically wordlessly, went about the task of getting the Santa gifts ready around the tree and the stockings hung on the fireplace mantle. It was nearly midnight when they were done, but she was too wound up to go upstairs and try to sleep. She went into the kitchen and fixed a cup of tea, then curled up on the couch. She heard Teddy's footsteps as he came out into the kitchen from the butler's pantry.
"You're gonna stay up?" he asked.
She nodded. "I'm just not quite ready to try to go to sleep yet," she said.
He walked into the den and sat down across from her. He looked at her grimly. "So we're still planning to do this? Tell the girls?" he asked, his voice flat.
She frowned a little. "Yes. Aren't you ready to move on? I know I am."
He just sat for a moment, staring at her. "Did you ever sleep with him?" he asked finally.
"What?" She screwed her face up.
"You were upset. I slept in the guest room for a long time. You were still on tour. With him." He shrugged. "I'm just asking."
"No, Teddy. I didn't sleep with him. I wouldn't do that." She felt annoyed that he would even go down that road, considering his own indiscretion.
"Did you think about it?"
She sighed and shook her head. But she had thought about it. She'd dreamed about it, even. But the difference was that she knew and understood the boundaries, even if Teddy had not. "What's the point with this, Teddy? We're telling our daughters we're separating the day after Christmas. On Sunday I'm going to Tandy's and then a week later, you're moving out. I'm not the one who started us on this path."
He got up and headed for the stairs.
Deacon
He rolled onto his back and breathed out, then chuckled. He turned to look at Carmen, her hair tousled, her cheeks a little pink. She grinned. "That was a workout," he said.
She laughed. "Seems like it's been a while since you had a really good roll in the hay," she said. "You were kind of insatiable."
He raised an eyebrow. "As were you."
She rolled onto her side and ran her fingers over his chest. "Thanks for inviting me," she said.
"I didn't invite you. You invited yourself," he said, with a smirk.
"Well, thanks for saying okay then. I really didn't want to spend Christmas alone." She looked a little pensive. "I would think you'd be the same."
He shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm used to it."
"Are you?"
He looked over at her. "Yeah. It's been a lotta years since I spent Christmas with anyone. It was never really my deal anyway." It wasn't. It was Rayna's. She loved Christmas and loved decorating the house, even when they had very little, and creating traditions for them. Once he'd bought the cabin, that was their Christmas tradition. They would load up the truck and head for the lake, where they would go out and cut down their own tree and then decorate it. Christmas dinner was always canned spaghetti, since neither of them were much for cooking. But it didn't matter, because Christmas was really just for the two of them. They spent hours in front of the fire, either making music or making love.
He felt a jolt. He'd had a little snippet of a dream the night before. After he'd made love to Rayna on the couch, they had moved to the floor in front of the fire, wrapped up in a blanket. After they'd made love again, she'd held her hand up to the light of the fire, admiring the ring he'd given her, watching it sparkle in the firelight. Like stars. There's fireflies dancing in the yard, under a blanket of stars. That's what it was like. He felt like a hand had squeezed his heart. Without her, nothing meant anything. And it was days like this that reminded him so painfully of that truth. It made him wonder, yet again, if the dreams he was having were some kind of truth.
"Penny for your thoughts." Carmen's voice was soft and when he turned his head, he could see a touch of sadness in her eyes. He liked Carmen and she filled a void in his life, at least for a little while. But she wasn't Rayna. Would never be Rayna. He thought she knew that and he wondered sometimes why she kept doing this. But he could say the same for himself. It's just that he knew the answer and he wasn't sure if she really did.
He gave her what he knew was a half-hearted smile. "I was just thinking it was nice to have some company." She smiled back, but he knew she knew that was only partly true.
She sounded surprised to hear from him. "Hey."
"Hey. Is it okay I called?" he asked. He was standing outside of his back door so that Carmen wouldn't hear his conversation. He hunched his shoulders against the chill in the air.
"Sure."
"I just wanted to tell you to tell the girls I liked my presents."
"They loved theirs as well."
He hesitated. "I hope y'all had a good Christmas, Ray."
"The girls had a great day. That's all that matters." She paused. "I'm guessing you need to get back to...what you're doing."
He smiled a little to himself. "Yeah, I guess that's true."
"Bye, Deacon." She sounded a little ticked off and it amused him enough that he almost didn't mind that she'd hung up on him.
Rayna
She spent the morning in her bedroom packing a suitcase and carry all. Teddy had taken the girls to church, which made her roll her eyes at the irony of it. She walked into the bathroom and started putting her makeup and toiletries into smaller bags. She glanced at herself in the mirror and stopped what she was doing. She saw the tiredness around her eyes that was a combination of not enough sleep and tears with the girls.
She thought back to when she and Teddy had told Maddie and Daphne that they were separating, as well as how the two of them would switch weeks at the house. Daphne had wanted to know where Teddy would be the weeks he wasn't at home and they'd explained he'd be moving. She told the girls she would be at their Aunt Tandy's and a phone call away. Her heart had broken as she'd watched her babies cry and ask why, as she and Teddy had explained how they both still loved their daughters and that it wasn't their fault that any of it was happening. She could see tears trailing down her cheeks and she reached up to wipe them away.
She breathed in deeply, thinking she needed to hurry and finish her packing. She didn't want to be here when they all got home. They'd said teary goodbyes after breakfast and she didn't think she could go through that again. Daphne had slept with her the night before, crawling into her bed in the middle of the night. She had held her close as her youngest cried herself back to sleep and it broke her heart. She hated all of it, hated that things had gotten to this point. She knew this would be the longest week ever and she also knew it would get easier eventually. She finished packing up her makeup and toiletries and put them in the carry all. Then she zipped up both pieces of luggage and put the suitcase on the floor, sliding the carry all on top.
She grabbed a warm jacket, slipping it on, then carried her bags down the hall and the stairs. She looked around the kitchen and the den, the heart of their home, the places where they had spent most of their time as a family. They were all empty and still and it felt heavy on her heart. She picked up her purse and headed out the door and to her car. After she put her bags in the trunk, she looked back at the house, squinting her eyes against the sun. It was a magnificent home, befitting of someone of her stature, although she didn't like to think of herself as special. It was a home. A home where she'd raised her family and felt safe and secure. She and Teddy had had a good marriage, a solid partnership, for a decade. There had been love and laughter and two little girls who were the lights of their lives.
It would never be quite that again.
She stayed up late that night working on her unfinished song. It's my life and I'm gonna figure it out, it's time to figure it out. That was her plan, to figure out what was next. She thought back to her conversation with Dr. Gray and her advice to take some time for herself. It was what had gotten her started on this song. She had felt like so many people had told her what to do, how to live her life, who she was, even. She wasn't really sure when exactly it had happened and what was going on, but she thought some of it was all the years she spent protecting Deacon. She had created a persona that didn't feel quite right to her but she'd had to do it because, if she hadn't, it could have ruined her career.
She sat back against the couch and remembered back to the very beginning, when she'd first started going to open mics and then met Deacon. Their relationship had always been volatile and fiery, even though, in the quiet times, it fed her soul. She'd been driven to succeed, in large part because she couldn't go back to where she'd come from. But mostly because Deacon was in her blood and the music they made tied them together. She knew – she'd always known – that she was her best and most authentic self with him, but she'd also known he was like an erupting volcano and that his life could suffocate her if she wasn't careful.
Her phone buzzed and, when she picked it up, she somehow wasn't surprised it was him. They always seemed to have an extra sense when it came to each other. They knew each other so well, so intimately. It was why she'd always had to be on her toes around him, after Maddie was born. She picked up her phone. "Hey," she said.
"Hey. I didn't wake you or nothing, did I?"
"No, no. I was actually working on my unfinished song."
"I got some music ideas for the other two. And maybe some ideas for that one."
"What are you thinking?"
"It should be one of those big anthems, ya know? Kinda like This Love Ain't Big Enough or Stompin' Ground. What do you think?"
She smiled. "I was kind of thinking maybe the same." She laughed softly. "Great minds think alike, huh?"
He laughed too. "I don't know about great, least on my end, but we do tend to think a lot alike."
She thought about that. It did scare her sometimes, how easily he could read her. She cleared her throat. "So I was thinking maybe we could meet up tomorrow and get started on these songs? I told Bucky I wanted to use the songs on hold, so if we get these 3 done, we're at 8 and in much better shape."
"Sound Check?"
"Yeah, maybe 11-ish?"
"I can do it." He paused. "So, the real reason I was calling was to see how you were doing."
She hesitated. "I'm okay. It was tough, talking to the girls, but it's kind of a sigh of relief too, you know?"
"Anything I can do for you or if you need to talk..."
She smiled sadly. "Thanks, Deacon. I appreciate it. Take care."
Deacon
He was running a little behind the next day. Rayna had said 11-ish, but that really meant 11 and he was in the ish range. He parked his truck and got out, getting his bag and guitar and hustling up the steps. With it being the week between the holidays, Sound Check was quiet and still. He rounded the corner into the hallway and saw the light shining from one door. He headed that way and peeked in. Rayna was sitting in a chair, her legs curled up underneath her, checking her phone.
She looked up when he walked in. "Hey," she said, pulling her legs out and putting her feet on the floor.
"Sorry I'm late," he said, as he walked in and set his bag on the table and put his guitar case next to it. He opened the case and pulled out his guitar. She got up from the chair and walked over to sit across from him.
"You're fine," she said. She sounded a little distracted.
He pulled out the song lyrics she'd given him and pushed them across the table for her to look at. He put his guitar on his lap and tuned it. He looked at her. "How was Christmas?" he asked.
She shrugged and smiled a little. "It was fine. The girls were excited about all their presents. We had the usual Christmas Day command performance at Daddy's." She rolled her eyes.
"Everything else go okay?"
She shook her head. "Not really. I don't know that either of them fully understand everything, Daphne especially. I feel like this custody deal is going to be hard on them."
He frowned a little. "Those girls' world is you, Ray. I'm sure you'll make up for it when it's your weeks."
She smiled a little and shrugged. She looked away and then back. "I was surprised to see Carmen," she said, trying to sound casual, but not really succeeding. He had wondered when she'd bring it up.
"it was just nice to have someone to spend time with," he said.
She frowned. "But Carmen?"
He raised his eyebrows. "It bother you?" She looked away and he decided to leave it alone, so he changed the subject. "You ready to talk about these songs?"
He walked back in the room with a pizza box and set it on the table, along with what seemed like a ream of napkins. She gasped when she recognized the name on the box. "They're still around?" she asked, with a happy smile, one of the few he'd seen that day.
He nodded. "Yep."
"And do you still pick one up once a week?"
He laughed. "Like clockwork."
She eyed the closed box. "So what kind did you get?" She looked up at him with a sly look on her face.
"Mushroom, Italian sausage, and extra cheese."
"You remembered." It was her favorite and he still never got any other kind.
He nodded as he sat down. "I remembered."
She lifted the top of the box and closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. Then she opened them and pulled out a slice, putting it on a couple of napkins. "They just don't really have a place like this over on my side of town." She lifted the slice to her mouth and took a bite, looking almost reverential as she chewed. He was glad to be able to do something that gave her joy, even if it was just a slice of pizza.
"It's too high class on your side of town to have dive bars and dive pizza places and dive burger places." He chuckled, as he snagged a piece for himself. He folded it almost in half and took a huge bite.
She smirked. "That is true." She sighed and then got a sad look on her face. "Everything's so inauthentic. I've always felt more like me when I'm here." Then she flickered her eyes off to the side, as though she'd realized what she said.
"We don't have to finish this today, if you need some time," he said.
She looked at him and there was a mix of hurt and sadness in her eyes. "I'd rather be doing this than sitting at Tandy's wondering how I got to this place in my life." She took another bite of pizza and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. "I think we need to finish these up today, if we can. And I did talk to Bucky to see if he could find any new demos for me to listen to." She sighed. "He's booking studio time for early February, so we really need to plan for rehearsals starting week after next, don't you think?"
He nodded. "I do."
"Is that enough time for you to work on arrangements for what we've got?"
"Not really, but I can get at least half done by the time we start rehearsal and I'll just keep working on 'em."
She sighed. "I hate feeling so rushed but I just think it can't be helped, if they're insisting on a record. I just hope it doesn't compromise the sound and feel."
"We'll make sure it don't."
She smiled then, some of the sadness leaving her eyes. "I appreciate you being in this with me. It does make me feel better about being ready."
He gave her a quick smile, then picked up one of her songs, frowning just slightly. "So let's go back to this one, about sanctuary." She raised her eyebrows. "What were you thinking when you wrote it?"
She looked like she was going to say something, then stopped. She looked off to the side, then down. "Um," – she looked up at him – "I guess it's really about family, how we're there for each other. I guess."
"So, about your family." He moved his finger in a circle.
She did a half shrug and a quick, fleeting brief smile. "I guess. Maybe I should put it aside, you know, because that family isn't, well, maybe I just need to put it aside."
He frowned. "I think it's a great song, Ray. Family's always been important to you. Maybe it's just your girls now, but it works." He felt a little ache in his heart. He hated what had been going on with her. He knew he didn't know all of it, maybe would never know all of it. What he did know is that when he came back from rehab the last time, she had married Teddy and they were having a baby. She had obviously thought that's what she needed and he knew she wouldn't have taken it lightly, so all the current mess going on had to have been difficult for her. "It's still a pretty song."
She smiled a little. "Thanks." She reached into her purse. "I know you worked a little on the music, but this was kind of what I was thinking." She pulled out a CD and handed it to him. "It's piano, of course, but I'm sure you can put it all together." She smirked.
He smiled. "Well, let's listen to it." He got up and put it into a player, hitting the start button before sitting back down. He reached for his guitar and settled it on his lap. He heard her voice on the recording, very softly, over the piano, and he started with a few chords, filling in some spots here and there. When it was done, he looked over at her. "That was perfect," he said.
She looked kind of caught up in the emotions of the song. She nodded. "I think so too." She shifted a little in her chair, straightening up. "Can we go through it again? With you adding a little more guitar?"
"Sure." He pressed play again and added more guitar. She stopped it quickly and he frowned a little. "Something wrong?"
"No. I just think guitar is right for this. Just the guitar. Can we just run through it with you on the guitar?"
"We can do whatever you want," he said. He started to pick out the intro as she sat up and turned towards him. She started to sing the lyrics, but in the middle of the first chorus she stopped. She had her hands clasped in front of her and was looking down at the table. He took his hands off the strings. "You need a minute?" he asked.
She looked up at him and his heart ached at the pain he saw. It struck him that it was like the way she'd looked when they were together, when he'd disappointed her. "Yeah, I think I do," she said. She tried to collect herself, but he could see she was struggling. She gave him a tiny smile. "You know, I think you're right. Maybe we need to finish this another day." She gathered up her things and stood up. "I'll call you." Then she made her way quickly to the door and walked out. All he could do was just stare after her.
Rayna
When she pulled into Tandy's driveway, she realized she didn't remember the drive over. She felt like she was in a fog as she got out of the car and then let herself into the townhouse. She walked upstairs to the guest room and laid her purse on a chair, then shrugged off her jacket. She could feel the tears bubbling up as she crawled onto the bed and pulled herself into a near fetal position. Tandy wasn't home and she didn't need to pretend to have everything under control, so she let herself give into the tears. The tears turned to sobs until she felt a little sick to her stomach and then seemed to run out of gas.
Sanctuary had hit so close to her heart. She wasn't sure if it was trying to go through that with Deacon in the room, but she'd felt so exposed. The truth was, Teddy had been her sanctuary, just as she was sanctuary for their family. She felt foolish for never considering that Teddy would ever have been anything but a loving, loyal husband. She knew he was aware her love for him was very different than her love for Deacon. She knew he recognized that, if not for being pregnant, they would never have been in this place. She had grown to love Teddy and she felt real heartache over the dissolution of their marriage. It was painful and it hurt to her core.
When he had suggested marriage, in the aftermath of her confession that she had not been faithful to him, he had acknowledged that Deacon obviously had a strong hold on her heart, which was true. He had told her he knew he wasn't her first choice, but he had promised to give her everything she needed, and he had done that. it was possible to love two men at once, because she had. But Deacon was not who she needed and was not someone she could count on. Even with all the years he'd been sober, he was still all of the things that had caused that to happen to him.
This song wasn't about Teddy though. It had never been about Teddy. It had been about her, she realized. How she felt like a sanctuary for those around her, who'd needed her in one way or another. She was a sanctuary for her girls, especially now that the family was split apart. And in so many ways, she still couldn't completely shake off the feeling of being a sanctuary for Deacon.
She looked off into the distance, breathing deeply to keep from crying again. She wished she understood what had happened to Teddy. It wouldn't have changed anything, but right now nothing made sense. Why he used their money, why he used her money, and how Peggy factored into this at all. She didn't understand why he would have risked their family for a tawdry little affair. She couldn't stop the tears and brushed them away with her fingers.
I miss my girls.
I miss my family.
It was two days later. She thought she probably should have just done what she said she was going to do and called him, but instead she drove over to his house. Their house. She sat in the car and looked at it. It was a modest bungalow, all stone. The steps that led to the sidewalk were outlined in stone, which extended across the yard on both sides. It had always amused her. Baby Belle Meade, she'd told him, with a laugh. It was a beautiful old house and when they'd bought it, it was dirt cheap, back in the days when East Nashville was not the place to live in Nashville. They had made it a home, or more accurately, she'd made it a home. It had a cozy fireplace and an oddly out of place vintage chef quality range. It had been a house filled with love and music and it still tugged at her heart whenever she saw it.
She contemplated driving away, but since she was there, thought she might as well go up the steps and knock on the door. She sat for a few more minutes and then she got out of her car and crossed the street. His truck was parked right in front of the house. She slowly walked up the steps and then onto the porch. She stood for a moment, then reached out and knocked. After a minute or so, he opened the door. When he saw her, he looked surprised.
"Hey, Rayna," he said.
She smiled. "Hey." She rocked back and forth on her feet. "So, I'm sorry I just bolted the other day."
He frowned a little and shook his head. "It's alright." He stepped back. "You wanna come in?"
"Sure." She walked in a little hesitantly. It had been a while since she'd been inside his house. It always brought up such strong memories for her. She looked around, then turned back to him, her hands in her pockets. "I was right. Nothing's changed," she said with a smile.
He looked around and then shrugged. "No need to move things around. You want some tea or something?"
She shook her head. "I'm good. I'm not going to stay long." She looked off to the side, then back. "I think it was just really emotional to go back through that song. I mean, I wrote it before all this...mess came up with Teddy and so it just sort of makes me feel, um..."
"Cheated?"
He had no idea that the word he'd chosen was so accurate and it startled her at first. "Well, yeah, I guess that's the word for it. When I married Teddy, I thought I'd have that family I wanted, and I did, I guess, for a long time. There was Maddie and then Daphne and we did all those things that families do." She shrugged. "Now that's over. I've got a song I'm not sure I want to record, but I can't afford not to."
"We can find something else," he said.
"I wish we could, but right now I have 8. I need at least 5 more, really, and I don't know where they'll come from." She caught a look from him that said either 'record one of mine' or would remind her she'd said 'we can write together', and she knew she could do neither at the moment. It would be too easy to fall into old patterns at a time when she was vulnerable. She held up her hand. "I'll figure it out." He raised his eyebrows. "I just wanted to tell you I was ready to get back to it."
"You didn't need to come all this way for that, Rayna," he said.
"I know. I just wanted to explain face-to-face. So, will I see you tomorrow?"
He gave her a curt nod. "I can do that."
She gave him a stiff smile. "Thanks." She turned then and walked to the door, letting herself out and closing the door behind her. She hurried down the steps and out to the street, thinking he was right. There really had been no reason for her to come here in person.
Deacon
She was the strongest person he knew. He'd always known that. She rarely gave in to despair. If I let myself wallow in it, I'm not sure I could ever pull myself back. She'd told him that not long after she'd shown up at his door, when she was just 16 years old. He'd tested her hundred of times. Just when he'd think she was going to let herself fall apart, even for just a minute, she would reach deep down inside herself and seem to shake off whatever it was, instead always showing steely resolve.
He had wanted to take her in his arms and just hold her. He knew her better than anyone knew her. Even now, all these years later, and including all the years they'd been apart, he knew no one else could read her the way he could or know what was in her heart the way he did. It was something he'd never been able to explain. They'd met when they were both so young and yet the connection they'd made had been almost immediate. He'd heard the term soul mate but had never really understood what it meant until he'd met Rayna. It was like they inhabited each other. Even after all the years since they'd been together. Instinctively he knew it would always be there.
Even though he'd chafed at the fact that she'd married someone else while he was in rehab, started the family they were supposed to have with someone else, he wanted to comfort her. Be there for her to lean on. He would always love her – deeply love her – and he knew nothing they did to each other would change that. They had hurt each other in immeasurable ways years before but nothing had truly torn them apart for good. He wasn't sure though that he could just hug her and not want more. Especially now, and he refused to take advantage of her vulnerability, even if she wouldn't admit that she was vulnerable.
What he could do was help her solve the problem of her album. He knew it was probably the worst possible time for the label to tell her she had to record and put out an album before they went out on tour in early May. He walked over to his bag and pulled out his notebook, just to see if there might be some snippet of a lyric she could use. He touched something hard and he frowned. He pulled it out and saw that it was the CD with the song Watty had given her. He supposed she had forgotten about it since she gave it to him and he'd somehow missed it in his bag with the other demos. He walked over and put it in his CD player and sat down to listen.
It was late but he called her anyway. "Hey," he said when she answered. "Sorry to call so late."
"It's okay."
"You busy?"
"No. Tandy's gone to bed and I'm just reading." She sounded a little tired and he hoped she hadn't been asleep and too nice to say so.
"We never did talk about Watty's song. I been listening to it and I think it's really good." He'd actually listened to it multiple times and then played around with the arrangements for it. But even though they hadn't written it, he couldn't help but think it sounded like something they would have.
She was quiet. "I had kind of forgotten about it." She sighed. "I don't know, Deacon. It is a really good song. A great song, actually, but I'm not sure about it." She paused. "It seems, I don't know, so personal."
"I'm guessing it was, for Watty. Sounds like it was about a relationship."
"Probably. But it's more than that."
He knew her instincts were the same as his. "Because it sounds like us?"
She didn't say anything for a long time. When she did, her voice was quiet but he could hear the sadness in it. "I'm just not sure it's the right song."
"It's a great song, Rayna. And you're looking for great songs."
"I know, but I don't have to decide now. And I'm not going to." Her voice sounded a little brittle.
"Okay." He didn't know what else to say.
"You know, I'm really tired. I hope you don't mind if we end this conversation."
"Whatever you want, Rayna."
"Good night then." And she hung up.
Rayna
It was a good song. It was a great song, in fact. But Deacon had hit the nail on the head. The more she had listened to it, the more it sounded like it was about the two of them. It sounded like something they could have written about their lives together. Or, more accurately, their lives apart. Secrets played a role in that. The efforts of people like Teddy and Tandy and Cole had kept them apart, had conspired, for their own individual reasons, to build that wall they believed she would never breach.
She had thought about it, of course. Over time, she'd thought less about it. For a long time it had been hard to look him straight in the eye for long, knowing the secret she held so close. Every time she looked at her daughter, she saw him in her eyes. She had never needed a paternity test to know Maddie was theirs. She had felt it for nine months. She had alternated feeling such despair over it and also feeling joy in the knowledge. But it was always bittersweet, because...why?
It no longer really mattered that Teddy had given her a safe haven by marrying her. in fact, it had stopped mattering early on. He was doing the honorable thing, she knew, by giving Maddie a strong, capable, present father. What mattered was that, once she had agreed to the deceit, it was nearly impossible to consider all the lives that would be shattered if she had told the truth. It was not only Teddy, Maddie, and Deacon who would be affected, but the world at large, who would then know she had conspired to keep secret her daughter's paternity. Not that it was the most important consideration, but it wasn't insignificant.
Now Deacon was sober. He'd been sober for almost all of Maddie's life. The father Maddie knew had been loving and given her a good life. The father she didn't know loved her too and had now missed out on having that relationship with his daughter. He would never know the joy of watching her first steps or her first day at school or seeing her perform in a talent show. It had seemed simpler, in context, when she'd let her father walk her down the aisle, knowing that the baby inside her would never have to know the uncertainty of life with an alcoholic. She would never feel that particular pain or worry or disappointment. It had not really been until the day she'd first felt Maddie's fluttering little movements inside her when the enormity of what she had agreed to, what she had done, drove her to the floor.
The rivers between her and Deacon ran deep and fast and dangerous.
Deacon
"Deacon? Deacon, where are you?" He opened his eyes. Had he really heard her voice or was he dreaming? "Deacon!" No, it was real. He sat up and swung his feet onto the floor. He rubbed his face with his hands and shook his head to get the cobwebs out of it. He heard her footsteps, briskly walking across the hardwood floor. He stood up, running the fingers of one hand through his hair. She burst into the bedroom. She looked both frantic and relieved. "Oh my God, you're here." She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. He slowly put his arms around her. She breathed in deeply and he knew what she was doing. She was checking to see if she smelled alcohol.
He put his hands on her arms and pushed her away from him. He frowned. "You checking up on me?" he asked.
She shook her head. "No, of course not. I was just..." She looked away. It was exactly why she was here. He knew her well enough to know that much. She looked back at him. "I just hadn't heard from you and I was...worried. You weren't answering your phone. So I, you know, just wanted to be sure you were okay."
He spread his arms out. "I'm okay, Rayna. But you know, I ain't your responsibility anymore." He wasn't. She had broken up with him – she said for the last time – and was dating someone else. Teddy Conrad. Cole had told him. Teddy was wrong for her though. Teddy knew nothing about her, of that he was positive. He was in business, knew nothing about music, wouldn't appreciate her.
He had struggled with staying sober after his third stay in rehab. For some reason, it had been harder this time. She'd bailed him out of jail after he'd been picked up for DUI. He hadn't remembered how he got there and that had been the last straw for her. He wouldn't admit to her that the blackouts scared him too. He hadn't thought he was drinking that much, but after Vince had been killed in that accident, his guilt had overwhelmed him and he knew he was struggling to stop.
He'd come to the cabin, hoping that time away from everything – Vince's death, Rayna leaving, falling off the wagon – would help. Her being here wasn't helping. He could see her fighting tears though, and Rayna crying always broke his heart. "I was worried about you though," she said. "I'll never stop caring about you, Deacon." She put both hands on his left arm. "Can we just go sit out there for a minute?"
He hesitated. She was seeing somebody else. But maybe the fact that she'd come, that she'd worried about him, meant there was still a chance. "Let me pull on a shirt and I'll meet you out there."
She smiled, a little shyly. "Okay." She turned and walked out. He went to the closet and pulled out a shirt. He slipped it on and buttoned it up. Then he went to the dresser and opened one of the drawers. He reached in the back and pulled out the jewelry box. He stared at it for a second, then opened it and took out the ring, sliding it into his pocket. He'd see how things went. Maybe he'd get the chance to use it.
They talked. She would lean her head on his shoulder or grasp his arm or his hand. She smiled so sweetly. He could tell she was wavering. He was glad he'd been able to stay away from the whiskey, even though he knew there was some hidden in the cabinets. He was trying to see if he could do this on his own. It was sheer good luck that she had shown up when he hadn't had a drink in nearly a week.
So he got down on one knee and pulled the ring out of his pocket. He told her he was good, that he'd come here to stay away from the temptations of booze. He told her he loved her and he wanted to marry her. It was all he'd ever wanted to do. He held his breath until she finally smiled and nodded, and then held her hand out to him. He slipped the ring on her finger and watched her as she looked at it. "I love you too," she whispered. Then she pulled him into her arms and he kissed her.
He felt like a weight had been lifted from him. He'd been hurt when she broke up with him and then when she started dating someone else. He had gone on a bender over a long weekend, thinking he'd lost her forever and then he'd started the downward spiral that always seemed to follow, only this time it seemed to be a harder fall. His life had turned dark, and he'd been dark, and it had cost him everything he loved. He had finally reached out to Cole and his sponsor had been the one to pull him out of the depths of despair and encouraged him to turn things around. He'd been mostly successful with it and had fewer of the blackouts he'd experienced. With Cole's help he was working his program and going to meetings and trying to apply all the lessons he'd learned in previous rehab stays.
He had bought the ring several years earlier but he had known Rayna would have told him no, so he'd just held onto it, thinking the day would come. Only it never had. Until that very moment. He hadn't expected her to show up at the cabin that day, but she'd seemed so worried about him that he thought this might be his chance. And now he was in her arms and she was going to marry him and he thought all was finally right in his world again.
He carried her to bed, gently laying her down on the sheets. She giggled, pulling him to her. He knelt onto the bed and positioned himself on top of her. She reached up and cupped his face with her hands. "Are you happy, baby?" he asked, a smile on his face.
She smiled back at him. "I'm happier than I've ever been in my life," she said. "I can't wait for us to live that life we always talked about." There were tears in her eyes. "I'm so proud of you, babe."
He kissed her deeply, letting his hands trail over her skin. Her skin felt like velvet and her hair smelled like flowers. His tongue explored her mouth and she moved her hands to the back of his neck. She moaned a little. He dragged his lips from hers and looked down at her face. "I love you, baby," he whispered.
"I love you, too," she murmured. He reached between them, touching her the way he knew she liked. She moaned deep in her throat and arched her back, pressing her pelvis against him. He dipped a finger inside her and she moaned again, drawing her legs up as she did. He slid a second finger inside her and she bucked up against him. "Oh, babe," she cried out. He knew she wanted him to make love to her – and he wanted that as well – but he knew she liked this too and he kept a slow, steady rhythm as he slid his fingers in and out and then swirled them inside her. She gripped his shoulders, moaning over and over.
He could tell she was getting closer. He moved his hand and plunged deep inside her. She wrapped her legs around his back. "Oh god, Rayna," he groaned. It didn't take long before they both came, one right after the other, clinging to each other as they rode out the waves of pleasure together. They were both breathing heavily and he held her tightly against him. He felt so lucky. All he'd ever wanted was to love Rayna Jaymes and grow old with her and now he would see that become reality.
He rolled away from her, then pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. It didn't take long before she was asleep, breathing in and out softly. He loosened his grip on her and turned onto his back. He lay there for a long time, unable to fall asleep. Eventually he got up and pulled on some clothes, walking softly across the floor, then quietly opened the door.
The moon was bright through the sliding doors and he walked over to lean against them, watching the water shimmering in the moonbeam. Then he walked over to the couch and laid down, pulling the blanket up to his waist, hoping he could get to sleep. But when he still was wide awake, long after he'd laid down, he pushed the blanket aside and he got up.
He would just have a little. Rayna would never know. He headed for the kitchen.
He sat up in bed, rubbing his face with his hands. He took a deep breath, but still felt unsettled. Something about the dream felt so real. The same as the rest. It was clearly all in the same timeframe, but he couldn't remember it happening. Except in his dreams. It was also clear to him that there was a gap in time. There was something he wasn't remembering. Or I didn't dream it. And he still had the ring. He'd always hoped a time would come when he could give it to her, ask her to be his wife, finally have a life together. Until she told him she and Teddy were separating, he had begun to think it would never happen.
The dreams made him question everything, but he didn't quite know what to do about it. He could ask Rayna if maybe it had really happened. Was it some memory he'd lost during those dark days that his subconscious was now bringing forward? Was it just wishful thinking? When would it have happened? Rayna was in such a vulnerable place, though. It probably wouldn't be fair to ask her to potentially dredge up an old memory, potentially a painful one. He wasn't sure he could really ask her if he'd ever proposed. Particularly since they clearly had not stayed that way. Was it what had pushed her into Teddy's arms, for good?
He lay back against the pillows. He wasn't sure when he would see her again. Maybe it was best to just let it go. It had to be his emotions all stirred up. He closed his eyes and finally felt himself drifting off. There was still that feeling he was missing an important piece of information, but he wouldn't be able to solve it that night. He fell into a restless sleep, but there were no more dreams.