Disclaimer:
All recognizable characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I do not make money from this.

Chapter 16: Revelations

I clenched my eyes. The pain resurfacing.

"Bella," Jacob choked out and ran his hands down my arms. "Talk to me," he whispered.

I fought the lump burning in my throat.

"Bella, I feel you. I feel your pain. Talk to me," he said, his throat thick and straining.

I shook my head and buried my face back into his neck. He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "Shh, Bella," he breathed and rocked me back and forth. "I'm here," he crooned.

I felt the tears streaming out of my eyes. "Jacob," I sniffled.

"Yes, Bella. I'm here."

I shook my head, my body shaking with tears and pain.

I sobbed heavily into neck. Even his soothing aura couldn't mask the pain I was feeling.

He just held me and let me cry.

I couldn't get the words out. I have never been able to talk about it with anyone. After it happened, I had no one left in my life I could talk to about it. I gave the ladies in my shelter a watered down version of the story, but even then they would never know the truth. They could never know. I couldn't dig those feelings back up. I had worked too hard to forget them even without ever getting a chance to talk about them. The incident stayed locked within me all these years. Letting it out would be reliving it. I couldn't.

/

After cried my weight in tears, again, I showered in the hopes to wash away the pain and scarring that will remain indefinitely. I went the fuck to sleep. As much as I wanted to fight him on it, I couldn't.

I had nothing left.

/

I woke up feeling really disorientated. My head felt stuffed.

I took a deep breath of an unfamiliar detergent.

I turned my head and bright light filtered through my eyelids.

I rolled over onto my other side, the tension in my shoulders and back easing at the switch in position.

I cracked my eyes open to find another disorienting sight. I had no idea where the hell I was.

I was sleeping on someone's couch. I had to stop falling asleep in weird ass places. It was messing with my head.

I lifted my head and peered behind me. Jacob was standing in the kitchen, facing the stove.

Jacob was here?

Jacob was here.

This was Jacob's house?

This was Jacob's house.

"Oh shit," I groaned and sat up quickly.

I heard him chuckle softly.

I rubbed my head, my hair was a tangled, still slightly damp, mess. I tried to brush through it with my fingers, but it was no use.

"You got a brush?" I croaked as I tried to pull apart a knot.

I got no answer.

I turned and Jacob was gone. Was he even here? I swear I was losing my fucking mind.

Then a brush fell onto the couch to the right of me. "Thanks," I mumbled and began to pull it through my knots. I groaned angrily as a knot pulled at my scalp. I felt eyes on me.

I turned to my left to find Jacob kneeling behind the arm of the sofa staring at me, his chin in his hands. He was smirking.

"Need help?" he asked.

I narrowed my eyes. "No. Why the fuck would you help me?"

He raised his eyebrows. He looked at me for a moment. "Alright," he shrugged and pushed himself up and walked back to the kitchen.

The brush made a horrible noise as it dragged through the knots and clumps. This is what happens when I don't brush out my hair after I shower. I was getting more fucking angry. I began to harshly yank at my hair, ripping out strands in the process. It hurt like a bitch. Everything hurt like a bitch. When the fuck would it stop hurting? Why did everything have to hurt? My neck hurt. My back hurt. My feet hurt. My head hurt. My heart hurt. Everything fucking hurt. I felt my throat strain and tighten as the knots seemingly got worse under my hands. I yanked furiously at the strands. It wasn't working. Nothing was fucking working. I felt tears sting my eyes. I yanked the brush out of my hair and threw it across the living room and it felt to the floor with a loud clatter.

I buried my face in my hands. Too many fucking emotions.

Anger, frustration, embarrassment, pain, sadness, confusion. Too much. Too fucking much.

Everything was silent for a moment. Except for that stupid clock. I still didn't know what time it was. I was disorientated as fuck. Why was everything so disorientating?

I felt his warmth before he even touched me.

He gathered me into his arms and settled me into his lap. He held me close just like he did last night.

"Shhh, Bella," he whispered and rocked me back and forth.

"Everything hurts," I choked out and gripped my hair in my hands.

"I know, Bella," he crooned and rubbed my arms. "I've got you. Always," he whispered.

"No you don't," I sobbed.

"Bella, yes. What are you-"

"Jacob," I grunted and shoved myself up from his lap. I put as much distance between us as I could.

I stood with my back pressed against the wall across from him. He stared back at me from the couch, his eyes alarmed.

"You don't have me Jacob," I breathed, tears continuing to fall down my cheeks. "You don't even know me."

He furrowed his brow. "Bella, why would you say that? Of course I do."

"You know nothing about me. I haven't seen you in five years and now all we do is fight and you have the nerve to be acting like nothing ever happened?"

He narrowed his eyes but said nothing.

I shook my head. "Where do I work, Jacob?"

He gave me a confused look. "Women's shelter."

"What city do I live in?"

"San Francisco," he said simply.

"And did I tell you that?"

"No. The pack mind."

I shook my head again. "What's my favorite food?"

He bit his lip. No answer.

"My best friend's name?"

"Jacob Black," he smirked.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Are you joking?"

His smirk fell from his face. No answer.

"Her name is Stella Martinez," I whispered.

He nodded.

"Why is she my best friend?"

He just looked at me. "How is me not knowing any of that my fault? I'm not the one who left," he said, his voice growing tense. He stood up from the couch.

"That's not what I'm saying, Jacob. You have no idea what I went through for the past five years. No one has any fucking idea what I went through."

"You won't tell me!" he shouted exasperatedly. "I'm trying to help you. You won't let me!"

"Jacob," I said firmly. "Don't fucking talk to me like that."

He groaned. "Bella, where the fuck is this coming from? What do you want from me?"

"Jacob if you didn't imprint on me would want anything to do with me? Would you give a fuck about me all these years? You wouldn't have felt me last night. You wouldn't have been helping me. I wouldn't be here right now and you know it."

"You want the truth?"

"No, Jacob. Lie to me, please," I scoffed.

"Cut the goddamn attitude. You're being a fucking bitch I didn't do anything! I'm trying to help you!"

"Oh I'm being the bitch? For the past three weeks you have wanted nothing to do with me. Suddenly it's a 180 and you're treating me like the most precious thing in the world. Bullshit," I growled.

"How do you think I'm supposed to handle seeing you after all this time? Huh? I thought you were dead for two fucking years and then I find out you're alive and you don't have the decency to reach out to me. Five years, Bella."

"You don't understand, Jacob," I sighed exasperatedly. "You have no idea. My life was pure fucking hell. I swore to myself and my team I wouldn't get dragged down into this again. I worked too damn hard to get to the point I was at weeks ago. Now it feels like my life is spiraling downward because of the life I ran away from."

"Team?"

"What?"

"You said team."

I groaned. "Jacob I'm not gonna talk-"

"You said I don't know you. So tell me. Tell me what I don't know about you," he demanded.

I sighed and scrubbed my face. "My team at the women's shelter."

He raised his eyebrows. "What do you do there?"

I nodded. "We, my team and I, take women in off the streets that need help."

"How did you get involved with them?"

Fucking hell.

I swallowed. "I was one of them. I was one of the women who needed help."

"What happened?"

I bit my lip. Was I really about to do this? Again?

"I was homeless for…a while," I murmured.

He showed no expression. "Why?"

"Because I ran."

"Elaborate, Bella," he sighed.

I took a deep breath. "I drove the truck as far away as it could take me. I didn't know where I was going. I just knew I needed to leave. My truck died in the middle of San Francisco. I was on the streets for that first year. I slept with men to have a place to stay at night."

He swallowed hard but said nothing.

"I got kicked out by one of the guys. It was cold as hell and I needed a place to stay. I found the shelter and they took me in. I've been there ever since."

"And they helped you?"

I nodded, my throat going tight again. I missed them. I wanted them. "Stella," I cleared the lump in my throat. "She was the one who helped me the most. She fucking hates your guts," I sniffed a laugh. "She saw a strength in me that no one else did. She talked me through my shit. She helped me get sober. She worked with me every day. She's tough. She didn't take pity on me. She pushed me to keep going when I didn't want to."

"Sober?"

I nodded. "Alcohol," I said simply.

He nodded, still showing no expression.

"So that's why I am the way that I am. They made me a stronger person. And I work with women that are just like how I was. I work with them every day and I help them. It gave me purpose. I don't think about myself anymore. Only them. My women."

He nodded again.

"And that's why the first time you saw me after all these years was when I kicked you in the nuts. Because my team and I, that's part of what we do. We help vulnerable women. We prevent shit like that from happening to women," I bit out, fire racing through my veins as I remembered this very man was ready to attack Phoenix.

Something flashed through his eyes then. Guilt.

"Bella, you have to understand-"

"Oh I understand, you are just like them. You are just like every other man that I have protected my women from. Just like that man last night. You hurt them. You abuse them. You take what you want. I understand perfectly well, Jacob. I don't know what I expected when I came back here, but it wasn't that. This," I gestured to him. "You will always be more of a monster to me than any vampire or werewolf."

His eyes hardened, the dark chocolate crusting over into that lava rock he always showed.

"You don't know me," he said through gritted teeth.

I sniffed a bitter laugh. "I know. I don't know you. That's what I'm saying," I shrugged.

He shook his head. "My wolf nearly killed me from the inside out," he said in a quiet controlled voice.

I held his gaze steadily.

"You have no idea the amount of pain I went through. When I walked into that crypt and didn't find you, only your ashes," he whispered.

My heart lurched.

"You have no idea. My wolf wanted me dead. He wanted to take over my human. He blamed me for you getting killed. And I tried to give him what he wanted. I tried to end it all. It's not as easy as you'd think," he laughed bitterly. "Turns out I could take more bullets than I thought," he said pointing to the miniscule indents on his skin. I wouldn't have even noticed had he not pointed them out. "I gave myself about 13 bullets until the guys found me. They dug 'em out. I survived. Only because I was too much of a pussy to put one through my heart."

I swallowed back my nausea.

"Then I found out you were alive. My wolf fucking snapped. He blamed me for not finding you. He blamed me for giving up. I would have gotten the answer had I not ripped them all to shreds. He will never forgive me for letting you slip through my fingers the day I let you leave for Italy," he swallowed thickly.

I couldn't find the words. There were none.

"So you were alive. I stopped trying to die. But, I was losing control. My wolf fought me every day. When I was human he would claw at me to find you. He wanted you. He needed you. So I did what I knew I could control. I'm not defending my actions. I was fucked up. But, I sought out weak women. They were my drug. They were vulnerable and stupid. They would let me have whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. They made me forget, for a while, the girl that left me behind. The girl that never wanted me. He hated me. He hated me for being with those women instead of you. It only made me do it more. And then, I did the most fucked up thing I could ever do. I wanted to find the worst way to say fuck you to my wolf."

He clenched his eyes for a moment. "I preyed on one of my pack. Phoenix wanted me. She heard all the stories. She knew all about me. Yet she still wanted me. So I jumped at the chance. My wolf was at his worst that night. He was ripping me apart because I was with an imprint. My wolf was so close to the surface. Then he smelled you in that bar. He knew you were there. He went fucking crazy. I started to get aggressive because the wolf was taking over. And she started to fight me back. She didn't want it so that made me want her more. I wanted so badly to make my wolf suffer. I wanted him to see I could have anyone, even the imprints. I could have the imprint even with you in the room. I could barely remember even being in that head space. It was my rock bottom. And then you saved her from me. I don't know what would have happened if you weren't there. I think I would have accidentally killed her. And I took one look at you. My wolf shut the fuck up. It's like he fell asleep. I hadn't felt that peace in five years. You didn't just save Phoenix, you saved me. Even if you had no intention to."

Tears were streaming down my face. I felt conflicted. My heart shattered for all those women and Phoenix. Those women who were abused by this man. But I was also heartbroken for the man. The man who was so torn.

"Why women, Jacob? Why did you have to do that?" I said, my voice barely audible.

He sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. "I regret what I did. I will regret it for the rest of my life. I'm a monster. A sick, disgusting human. I think, in some twisted way, I wanted to get back at you. If you could move on then so could I. But, I will say this, I never did what that man did to you last night. I never took advantage like that. Every woman I was with, it was consensual. It was for the wrong reasons, but I never was that sick in my head. Um," he cleared his throat. "I'm not a father. At least not to my knowledge," he cringed. "God I sound like a dick. Um, I did slap someone, but she wanted it. It was like a kink," he grimaced. "It got spread around that I abused her when I didn't. She wanted me to do that," he mumbled, his cheeks turning pink. "But I still preyed on weak women. Women with low self-esteem. Most women I came across wanted me and so I took advantage in that regard. I won't ever deny that. I know what I did. But, I swear, I haven't even looked at another girl since that night at the bar."

I nodded. I was numb.

"And with Phoenix. I know what it looked like. It looked like I was trying to attack her. I was getting physically aggressive. But it was because of my wolf. I wasn't in control. Like I said, he wanted you. And it scared the shit out of her. It was the only instance where that happened. I was so far gone that night. And I completely fucked over my pack. Especially Leah. They hate me so much. And I don't blame them for that. They tolerate me because I'm the alpha. I take care of them as wolves, but as a human I abandoned them. For five years," he shook his head absently.

No words.

He took a deep breath. "So to answer your question. No."

I furrowed my brow.

"No, I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with you had I not imprinted."

Well shit.

"Because I wasn't a good person, clearly. I was so far gone at that point. Had I not imprinted I would have killed Phoenix. I would have killed you. And I probably would have put that bullet through my heart if Leah didn't kill me first. Had I not imprinted I would have destroyed the pack. I would have destroyed myself. I couldn't pull you down with me. For whatever reason, I don't know why or how, I imprinted on you. Had I not, you most definitely would not be standing here right now. But I'm a selfish bastard and I'm so glad that you are."

I sniffled, the tears continuing to stream. "But you ran. You still ran away from me. After you imprinted. You hated me."

He took another deep breath.

"I never, ever stopped loving you. Deep in my twisted mind, I always loved you. I ran because I was afraid. I hadn't felt like myself in five years. I ran because I hadn't fully faced my demons. The fog cleared and I truly saw myself as the monster I was. I couldn't let you see that. I was afraid I was going to hurt you. Like I said, I didn't want to take you down with me."

"You were so angry. You were so mean to me," I squeaked.

He sniffed a laugh. "I have no answer for you other than I've been being an ass. Having you so close to me makes me so fucking peaceful. I'm not used to being so coherent. It's disorienting. And I've been a dick to you because I wanted to give you a chance to run. See me for the monster I have been for five years. But then you fight back," he breathed, a small grin on his face. "I love that fire. That strength. Seeing you like that makes me so fucking happy. But I can't show the pack that. So I've been running on my default setting as Leah puts it," he smirked.

"And your wolf?"

He sighed. "My wolf. He's calmed down. He'll always resent me I think. I resent myself. But, he loves you. He's always known. It was me who made it so fucking difficult. But, you calm him down. You make us coexist finally. He feels you all the time. I feel your stress, anxiety, pain. Your happiness and excitement. At first it was insane. I felt every little thing. And he wanted to soothe you at any chance he got. But, I wouldn't let him at first. I wasn't letting us coexist. But I could tell when it gets really bad. And those times when I went to see you in my wolf, it was us, coexisting. Like it was before I snapped. I hadn't felt that in so long. So I was there with you. Every time you were upset. Every time you fed me dinner. I wasn't all wolf. It was just easier to pretend I was all wolf," he muttered guiltily.

I giggled softly and slapped his arm.

He quickly grabbed my hand before I dropped it. He rubbed soothing circles over my skin, the touch sending tingles across my body. His dark eyes melted and captured mine. He smiled a smile I hadn't seen in five years.

"Bella," he sighed. "I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting. I'm sorry for treating you like shit and disrespecting you. I'm sorry for calling you a bitch just now. Default setting," he murmured guiltily. "I know what a monster I've been. How I turned out, that's on me. Not you. You couldn't have known. You soothed me again. You made me whole. But, imprint or not you've always been my love. And I may not know you like I used to, but I want to. God, do I want to. I can't keep only seeing you in my wolf. Or fighting with you even though I love it way too fucking much. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your favorite food. I want to know your favorite music. I want to know everything about your job. I want to know what time you like to go to bed. I want to know how you take your coffee. I want to know your fast food order. I want to know what foods you hate. I want to know your favorite movies. Favorite books. Everything. I want to know everything I missed. I need to make up for lost time. I need to know you. I want everything. I want you to get mad at me. I want to see you be grumpy. I want to see you exhausted after you get home from work. I want to cook meals with you. I want you to watch me work on my cars. I want you to take drives with me. I want to do laundry with you. I want to watch you eat. I want to sleep with you and listen to you snore. I want to watch this hair go gray. This skin to wrinkle. I want to spend every second with you. I've always wanted that. I won't ever not want that. It's not the imprint. I've never stopped wanting that. I'll take anything you'll give me."

A/N: Ohhh here we go. Do you trust Jacob? What do you think of his past? Does he deserve a second chance?