14. One Big Happy Dragon Family

Chapter Soundtrack: "My Part" — Dom Fera

*This chapter earns its rating. Warning: It's for sexual assault.

I spent the night in Jorrvaskr when I made it back to Whiterun.

Since my return isn't permanent, Aela and I have agreed to keep my presence a secret, at least for now. Still, waking up beside her is no less pleasant.

Everything feels so new all over again, and it feels right to really take our time, despite the world's impending doom.

Aela sleeps in smallclothes, though I suspect she sleeps nude when I'm not here. She's never seemed the sort to wear anything to bed. It doesn't leave me room to complain either way. I trail my fingers over her stomach, lightly tracing upwards over the contours of her abdomen, just to feel the warmth of her skin. Aela snorts in her sleep and rolls over, pinning me beneath her as she rests on top of me, holding me tight. She kicks a leg out to dangle off the edge of the bed and inches up my body ever so slightly. I chuckle quietly, but it turns into a soft gasp as her lips press against my neck. I slip a hand into her hair and silently encourage her, an invitation. I feel her smile as she kisses up my neck and along my jaw, until she's slightly sitting up to lean over me. I reach up and bring her down to kiss her properly, parting my lips for her. She darts her tongue in just for a moment, then draws back. Tease. But I'm just as guilty of doing the same as of last night when I got in. I roll us onto our sides and pull her in for another kiss, wanting to linger in the moment. This one lasts a little longer, Aela nibbling at my lower lip and pressing as close to me as she can. Her lips find their way back to my neck and I can't suppress the quiet moan that escapes my lips as she ventures a bit lower, to my collarbone, and then the dip between my breasts. I whimper, feeling the way she caresses the sensitive skin there with her lips, but then she comes back up a moment too soon and pecks my lips again.

She's stopping herself, not because she doesn't want this, and definitely not because I don't want this, but because of where we are. If we do engage in that again, she wants to be in a place where we don't have to hold back. I briefly consider dragging her to Breezehome because now I'm hot and very much bothered, but that would arouse too much suspicion.

I know I'm wrong to enjoy this, seeing as I'm still bound to Astrid, though neither priest nor priestess of Mara had wed us. I graze my thumbnail over the indent where the band had been. It is a brand that will fade over time, like everywhere else Astrid had marked me as hers. As blissful as this morning quiet is, my thoughts are eager to interrupt, ready to push Astrid's face to the forefront and remind me of my continual infidelity. We began as an affair, while she was still married to Arnbjorn, and ultimately only death had parted them. By that definition, Aela and I are an affair, history aside, and death will ultimately part Astrid and I, but it should not be the initial vow breaker. I'll find her before the end of my mission and end things the right way. She'll come for me eventually, but it might be too late by then. I need to head her off.

The idea of parting from her, of severing our bond of matrimony, is bittersweet. I did love her, and I do love her, but not in the way that lovers do. Lust and obsession cleared, I still hold some affection for her, because before we became involved, she was something of a friend. Someone I trusted deeply when I had no one.

I wonder, did she ever love me? Or did she just love the idea of dominating me? Of controlling me, of marking me, of dragging me to the edge and back again, knowing I was helpless to resist?

I don't want to fight her when we next meet, but I imagine she'll be so angry that she'll come at me blade-first. Oddly enough, I dread that encounter more than anything else I may face later. At least I despise Alduin completely. Astrid is a complicated matter.

I snuggle into Aela's chest. Now this, this was complicated once, but no longer. No more of Astrid for now. "Maidin mhaith." I say with a smile.

"That's good morning, right?" Aela asks, her voice still heavy with sleep.

"Mmhmm."

"Well then, yes, maidin mhaith indeed." she says, kissing the top of my head.

I would give anything to stay in this bed with her for just a few moments more. Maybe with blankets rather than furs though, they're much less scratchy.

"I have to go trap a dragon up at Dragonsreach today." I yawn.

"You have to what?"

"I have to go tell our dear friend Balgruuf that I'd like to trap a dragon on his doorstep."

"No, Ithriel, I heard you. Though hearing it like that doesn't make it better." Aela says. I laugh. "I know you. Even if the jarl tells you no, you're going to do it anyway."

"Sounds about right."

"Who gave you that idea?"

"Paarthurnax."

Aela sits up with me. "So let me see if I have this right: Paarthurnax used to serve Alduin but now he's on your side, you jumped through time to learn how to defeat Alduin, only it didn't work when you fought him and he got away. And now you have to enlist the help of another dragon to take him down?"

I give her a wry smile. "Typical day in the life, right?"

Aela hugs me tight. "Lovely," she says. "When this is over, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm taking you somewhere quiet where absolutely nothing happens for a long while."

"If such a place exists. Though I worry you'll get bored." I say, tugging her out of bed. "Morthal, perhaps. Not much happens in Morthal compared with everywhere else."

Aela starts putting on her armour. "Maybe we can leave Skyrim altogether. Visit Valenwood, maybe."

I tense. "Why Valenwood?"

"Your parents left you ages ago. I don't think they'd recognise you now, honestly." she says. "You shouldn't let them keep you from your home and your heritage."

I tug on a pair of trousers, jumping a little so they sit right on my legs. "Even if they weren't a problem, last I checked the Thalmor still have a heavy occupation there. I'm slightly lucky in the fact that I am of a mer race, but even though there are more of us than them, they still hold considerable power." I find a fresh tunic in my bag and slip it on. "I have no idea if those little purges still go on, and I'd rather not find out."

"We wouldn't have to venture too much into the centre. You said you lived far north of it."

"Silvenar, yes."

"So we'll stay in Silvenar, then."

I sigh. "Is there a reason why you insist?"

"I think it'll be a good change of scenery. And maybe give you a chance to connect with others like you." Aela says. "I know there aren't a lot here in Skyrim."

She's right. And I'd killed one of the few that remained back in Riverwood. I grimace at the memory. We might have been friends, in another life.

Aela takes my grimace as hesitation, uncertainty. "We don't have to. It's just a thought."

"No, I appreciate it." I tell her. "We'd still have to go through Cyrodiil to get there." I glance over at her. "Lots of Imperials."

Aela reaches around me to grab a clay pot sitting on her table and bends to kiss my cheek. "I'll endure the casual racism for you."

I snort. "Oh, how thoughtful."

Aela dips her fingers into the pot and smears her war paint across her face. "Think about it?"

"Mmm, fine." I grab fistfuls of her armour and pull her down to me. "You're going to have to reapply that paint again."

"Wha — mmph!"

I decide to darken Dragonsreach's door shortly after paying my respects to Danica within the Hall of the Dead. I still don't know why she was killed, but it doesn't matter anymore. Knowing won't make a difference.

"Jarl Balgruuf!" I call out, striding into the throne room.

Jarl Balgruuf rises to greet me, looking slightly confused at my direct address. "Dragonborn!" he replies. "What is it?"

"I have a plan that you're absolutely going to hate." I say.

Hey, might as well be honest.

"I'll be the judge of that," he says warily. "What did you have in mind?"

I mentally brace myself, knowing how he'll react. "I need to borrow your palace to trap a dragon."

Jarl Balgruuf stares at me a moment, blinks, then says, "I must have misheard you. I thought you asked me to help you trap a dragon in my palace."

So no shock and straight to denial. I can work with that. "Please and thanks." I say.

Balgruuf glares at me. "What you're asking for is insane. Impossible! You want me to let a dragon into the heart of the city, with the threat of war on my doorstep?"

Ah yes, the Civil War is still carrying on, and on, and on. I didn't care about it when I was in the Brotherhood, and I certainly don't care about it now. It's been nothing but a great annoyance to those caught up in the crossfire, which is why I stay out of it at all costs. It's a war that will soon be irrelevant anyway if I don't take care of Alduin. "Try to think beyond the bitch fight between Tullius and Ulfric, please." I say. "We'll all be ash regardless of our personal loyalties if you don't cooperate."

Balgruuf's eyes narrow and he clenches his jaw, but he remarkably doesn't snap. "I'm going to assume your blatant dismissal comes from the fact that you are not one of us."

I can't help but laugh. Oh, don't tell me he's one of those Skyrim-belongs-to-the-Nords types. "What does that mean, O Great One?" I ask, not bothering to hide my patronising tone. "That I'm not from Skyrim? Or that I'm not a Nord? While both of those things may be true, Skyrim is the only home I've ever really known. My youth was spent in Riften before my family and I relocated here, to Whiterun." I level him with my gaze, and he takes a step back from me. "Yes, I am a Bosmer, born in Valenwood, but I am of this land as much as you are, regardless of where I came from, and I will not let some petty squabble overshadow the imminent threat that will destroy us all"

Balgruuf, for his part, looks properly shamed. I may have gotten slightly out of hand, but he'd struck a nerve without me realising it until I kept talking. I've adopted Skyrim as my homeland, and though that may change if I return to Valenwood, it's the only real home I've known, one that hasn't rejected me. Most of my life is here. All that's in Valenwood is history.

"What threat, then?" Balgruuf asks.

"Alduin has returned." I say.

Balgruuf goes from subdued to terrified, though he's quick to mask it with a firm expression. "So it is the end times, then?"

"Only if you don't help me stop him."

He shakes his head. "You're a mad woman is what you are. But I suppose I have no choice but to trust you. You do have a plan for luring this dragon here, yes?"

I nod. "All you need to do is set up the trap."

"Let's be off then."

Jarl Balgruuf leads me outside to the Great Porch. He convenes with some of his men while I approach the balcony. Paarthurnax had given me a simple method of calling the dragon to me — using his name in the form of a Shout. All dragon names are made of three Words of Power, and apparently that includes me. If a dragon wanted to call me, they'd say "I-Thri-El", though it means nothing in the actual dragon language. It means nothing in Bosmeri either, so that's nothing new. Bear-Bane is the only family name I know, and it means exactly what it says. I refuse to acknowledge the family name thrust upon me at birth. It means nothing to me now along with the parents that gave it to me.

This name though, the name of the dragon I'm seeking, is full of meaning.

"OD AH VIING!" I Shout.

Odahviing. Snow, hunter, wing. How fitting, considering my first Word of Power was fo, frost.

At first, there's nothing.

Then, in a flash of red wings and a snapping jaw, a dragon swoops in and picks off a guard right off the Great Porch. Ah. That's not going to win me any favours.

"Dovahkiin!" he calls. "Here I am!"

He dives in again, and before he can try for another guard, I Shout again.

"JOOR ZAH FRUL!"

Odahviing stumbles mid-air and spirals towards the ground, sliding forward across the stone. I quickly signal the men to trap him, and they drop some sort of heavy wooden contraption on him, pinning his wings. He thrashes, and for a moment I worry the trap won't hold him, but he doesn't seem capable of escaping, at least for now. The guards congratulate each other on pulling off what was essentially an elaborate mousetrap, but I ignore them and carefully approach Odahviing.

"Horvutah med kodnaav." he grumbles. "Zok frini grind ko grah drun viiki, Dovahkiin."

Eager to meet me is an understatement. I only had to call his name once and he came flying.

"Zu'u bonaar." he continues. I've humbled him, apparently. "You went to a great deal of trouble to put me in this… humiliating position. Hind siiv Alduin, hmm?"

Straight to the point then. Good. "Yes. Where is he hiding?" I ask.

Odahviing chuckles darkly. "Rinik vazah. Alduin bovul." Alduin is fleeing? So he is afraid! "One reason I came to your call was to test your Thu'um for myself. Many of us have begun to question Alduin's lordship, whether his Thu'um is truly the strongest. None were yet ready to openly defy him."

Everyone seems to want to test my Thu'um, honestly. That doesn't come as a surprise. "So where is he now?" I ask.

"Unslaad krosis." Odahviing says, almost sounding apologetic. "I digress. He has travelled to Sovngarde to regain his strength, devouring the sillesejoor."

So not only a world eater, but a soul eater as well. Not surprising, but Sovngarde is meant for Nords. How am I meant to get there?

"His door to Sovngarde is at Skuldafn, one of his ancient fanes high in the eastern mountains." Odahviing says, an answer to my unspoken question. "Zu'u lost ofan hin laan. Now, you will allow me to go free?"

Just because he's answered one question doesn't mean he's off the hook just yet. I don't even know how to get to Skuldafn, not to mention the name itself sounds like death. "Not until Alduin is defeated." I say firmly.

Odahviing gives a derisive snort. "Ah. Well, there is one detail about Skuldafn I neglected to mention."

I figured as much. "Then mention it."

"Without the wings of a dovah, you will never set foot in Skuldafn."

Something tells me that trying to Shout my way there won't work either. The way Odahviing had phrased it makes it sound like there isn't much or any ground at all to catch me when my throat starts to grow raw.

Odahviing inclines his head towards me. "Of course… I could fly you there. But not while imprisoned like this."

It seems I'll have to depend on him. Great. "Fine. I'll set you free if you promise to take me to Skuldafn."

"It is wise to recognize when you only have one choice." Odahviing says. "And you can trust me. Alduin has proven himself unworthy to rule. I go my own way now. Free me, and I will carry you to Skuldafn."

I turn to the closest guard. Here goes. "Open the trap."

The guard gapes at me, useful as ever. "You want to let the dragon loose after all the trouble to catch it there?"

I don't have time for this. "Do it."

The guard looks nauseous but shrugs. "Your funeral."

Jarl Balgruuf, to his credit, chimes in to support me. "Carry on soldier. This is all part of the Dragonborn's plan."

Huh. So he does learn.

They release Odahviing, and he moves towards me, lowering himself more to invite me on. "I await your command, as promised." he says. "Are you ready to see the world as only the dovah can?"

I sense that this can be a point of no return. I wonder if he'll humour me for something else first.

"Would you take me to Dawnstar before we go there?" I ask. "It's important."

Odahviing scoffs. "I am not a horse, Dovahkiin."

"Would you rather stay here and wait for me to come back?"

Odahviing mulls it over, then sighs. "Fine. But nowhere else." I climb onto Odahviing's back, and he walks towards the edge of the porch. He spreads his wings, and just before take-off, he says, "I warn you, once you've flown the skies of Keizaal, your envy of the dov will only increase."

He pushes off the ground, and we're off in a rush of wind and beating wings.

After having Odahviing land somewhere as inconspicuous as possible, for a dragon, anyway, I approach the hidden entrance to the Dawnstar Sanctuary. Worst case scenario, Astrid sics the entire Family on me and I run back to Odahviing. Though retreat doesn't appeal to me, I don't want to hurt any of them.

Though I don't think I can save them.

What's there to save them from, anyway? This is their life. The shadows are all most of them have ever known. Why would they leave if they find comfort in it? Would they be able to find their own reason?

I left because I found my own light again. Because I want control of my own life, because I was tired of skulking around and listening to a hissing voice stabbing into my brain. If I can offer them a different way, maybe…

I won't force them. But I won't fight them either. They're still Family.

I find the cluster of rocks hanging over the hidden entrance and pull the hatch open, dropping down into the tunnel below. I follow the hall down until I reach the heavy circular door and push hard against it, tumbling into the dining hall in the least sophisticated way possible. It's shockingly empty. Maybe they're all out on contracts and I came here for nothing. At least I won't have to worry about trying to save anyone.

Then, I see Astrid appear at the top of the stairs. Her armour is bloodstained, and there's a slight spatter of crimson droplets across one cheek. Verdant green eyes meet my own, and all the guilt I've been repressing surges back to the forefront, burning in my chest.

"Where are the others?" I ask when I finally find my voice again.

"Hello to you too." Astrid says with a smile. She descends down the stairs and pulls me into her arms, but she draws back slightly when my face rests inches from hers. "You smell like a dog." she says. "Have you been with the werewolf again?"

I swallow hard and step back from her, lifting her hands off of me. "Yes." I dig into my pocket until I find the ring and present it to her, willing my hand to stop shaking. "I'm sorry. I can't be with you anymore."

Astrid stares at the ring resting in my palm. She takes it, and for a moment I dare hope that's all that's going to happen.

Then, she's on me in a flash, and I can barely register what's happening as she throws me onto the dining table, sending various dishes flying onto the floor.

"No." she growls.

Her eyes are blazing with rage, and I expect her to run me through with her knife. I'll let her cut me once, just because I owe her that, at least.

Instead, she pins me to the table, leaning her full body weight on top of me. I can smell the blood, fresh and putrid at the same time. Her mouth is at my throat and she bites down, hard. I hold back a scream because I know that's what she wants. Before I can so much as move to shove her off, she plunges a hand down my trousers and forces three fingers inside of me without preamble, tearing the scream from my lips. No, no, a knife would've been better than this!

"You're mine." she snarls. "Mine, and only mine." I shove at her shoulders, but she only speeds up her thrusting. "I should've never let you go."

I don't want to hurt her, but this feels like I'm dying. I feel frozen in place, powerless to do anything to stop her. Tears start to streak down my face, carving saline paths down my cheeks. Don't I deserve this? After all, I led her on, and then just up and left. As far as she knows, I betrayed her without reason. Isn't this my fault?

No! Enough! If something like this were happening to someone I cared for, I wouldn't stand for it. Why must I suffer any longer?

My Thu'um leaps up into my throat and I find the strength to Shout. "FO!"

The blast of frost that expels from me knocks Astrid back. It doesn't freeze her in place, but her body is covered in a thin layer of ice. I feel nothing but rage for her now. For her to touch me like that, even with me fighting her. That is unforgivable.

"It makes sense now." Astrid says, regarding me with a venomous gaze. I match it, my eyes hardening as I readjust my clothes. "You've truly left. I thought the initiate had gone mad, but perhaps there's truth in what he's said."

"What?"

"The Night Mother has already replaced you, with the Redguard."

I had a feeling the Night Mother would find a new Listener, but certainly not so soon! Don't these things take time? "Is it Nazir?"

Astrid chortles. "Oh, no. The other one."

Girik. "But he's so volatile!" I protest. "The Night Mother can't have chosen him!"

Astrid arches an eyebrow. "Are you jealous?"

"Absolutely not. He's welcome to it, he just wouldn't have been my first choice without more training." I say, working to keep my voice level. Either the Night Mother is desperate for a new Listener, or she sees something in Girik I don't. "I'm glad you all have a new leader for the Family."

"You're not the only one who thinks he's unfit." Astrid says, seeing right through me. Another time, that would've been welcome. Now, it just feels invasive. "It doesn't have to be this way, Ithriel. You can still take your place here."

White hot rage boils within me at the audacity of the suggestion. "You just assaulted me, and now you're telling me I need to stay?" I spit.

"Lovers have disagreements." Astrid says dismissively. "I am angry with you as well. But I'm willing to look past this and punish you later. The fact is that you have a duty to this Family. Listener or not, the boy's been insufferable with his demands, and you need to put him in his place."

I glare at her. "You handle it. The Family is yours now. The Night Mother already renounced any ties to me. Take care of them in my stead."

Astrid starts to close in on me. "Perhaps I should punish you now, and make you learn your place."

Before she can get any closer, I Shout, "FUS!" Astrid falls back. I have to be careful with how many Words I use, but luckily I can subdue her with just one at a time. "I am not the Listener any longer." I say. "I have no place here."

"We're still married." Astrid insists. "My place is beside you, and you me."

"Oh, now marriage means something to you." I scoff. "Where was that with Arnbjorn?"

"Aren't you doing the same with that dog? She knows nothing about what you really are!"

"Actually, she knows exactly what I am." I say. "She knows me more than you ever did."

"You'll be no better than me." she says.

"I am better than you, because unlike you I'm ending my marriage."

Astrid folds her arms. "I refuse." she says flatly.

Oh, is that how we're going to be? "I refuse your refusal." I snap back.

Astrid sighs exasperatedly. "What's happened to us?"

She's asked me that before. I hadn't had a real answer then, but I do now. "I was running away, and I ran to you." I said. "We were together for all the wrong reasons. You have to see that. You weren't happy with Arnbjorn any longer so you ran to me. I was in a world of pain and ran to you. We were drowning out our lives in each other, and that isn't a way to live."

"And now you're not happy with me and so you're running to someone else." Astrid says.

"No." I say. She still doesn't understand. "I'm facing what I was running from. Not just Aela, but my destiny as the Dragonborn. I didn't ask to be this saviour or whatever I'm supposed to be, but all running from it has done has made things worse."

"You love me." she says, a sort of final plea. "You resurrected me."

I shake my head. "I loved the idea of what we could be."

I duck as the blade I've been waiting for is hurled at me, but it's only a distraction as Astrid closes in, her hands closing around my throat and taking me to the floor. I fight to be able to breathe, but I can't even manage the smallest Shout.

I draw on the only thing I have left.

Lightning crackles in both palms, and I slam them on either side of her head and channel the energy through them. Astrid, to her credit, maintains her hold on my throat, and it quickly becomes a battle of who will give in first.

Within seconds that seem like eras, I have my answer.

Astrid's grip loosens completely and she collapses on top of me. She's close enough to where I could be able to hear her heart.

But it's silent.

It is as Sithis demanded it be. I am the one who brought Astrid back, and I am the one who returned her to the Void.

I shove her off of me. I can't bear to touch her any longer. Not after all this.

No. She never loved me at all.

Maidin mhaith = Good morning