September 29, 2003
The next afternoon brings a delicious and peaceful lunch. Afterward we gather in the kitchen to clean up the mess we made. The kitchen is a decent size, but with all of us packed together, we are constantly bumping into each other.
I navigate myself through the small sea of people to put my recently cleaned plate back in the cabinet. After completing my task, I feel a pair of hands unnecessarily grip my waist and move me aside. The pair of hands belong to Dustin who says, "Excuse me, babe."
My body freezes at his words and the feelings of his lingering hands finally leaving my body. Dustin moves to my side nonchalantly and begins drying dishes. I had hopes that no one else had seen that encounter, but of course I'm wrong.
"What the fuck?" Nick says in an angry tone from across the kitchen. He tries to move forward but Luke puts his arm across Nick's chest to stop him. Luke looks between the two of us and shakes his head. Nick drops his angry look and goes back to his previous task, although I can tell he is still mad by the way he hastily and forcefully folds the kitchen towels.
Everyone else was too preoccupied to observe the situation that just unfolded. We all carry about our business until the kitchen is left spotless. I try to finish my duties quickly so that I have time to talk to Nick, but he finishes before anyone else. Before I have a chance to say a word, he slips away out of sight. Once I finish, I search the backyard and the entire house for him, only to turn up empty. I ask around, but no one has seen him since shortly after lunch. Maybe it's the fact that we are living in an apocalypse, or maybe it's pregnancy hormones, but I begin to worry tremendously. Nick can take care of himself, but I can't stop myself from imagining every terrible situation in which he is injured or dead right now. It's absurd, I know- but I can't help it. I hide in the basement and settle onto the unmade pull-out couch, ashamed at the few tears trickling down my cheeks.
I wallow in my sorrows and irrational fears for a while, tangled in the sheets. Eventually I hear two voices at the top of the stairs. To my pleasure, I can distinguish one of the voices as Nick. The other belongs to Martha. I know it's wrong to be nosey, but I listen to their conversation.
"You okay, Nick? You were gone for a while," Martha says.
"I'm good, just needed some time to think," Nick says.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Oh… everything," Nick says, but I have a feeling most of his thinking today revolved around the incident in the kitchen earlier.
"Thinking about the baby?" Martha asks.
Nick gives a short laugh. "Of course. I always am."
"Me too," she says, pausing. "I'm so proud of you, you know. You'll be a great dad."
"I don't know about that," he says, his voice conveying either nervousness or shame.
"Now don't you go thinking you're gonna be an awful dad just because you had a shitty dad," Martha snaps.
"I didn't even say anything about him! There's no reason to even bring him up!" Nick fires back. Nick's dad was a touchy subject for the two of them, and both of them could suffer from a temper from time to time.
"Nick, I'm your mother. I can tell what things upset you and why you think a certain way." Her voice changes back to a soothing one.
"Yeah, mom. I'm sorry for snapping, I was just in a bad mood," he says, presumably with a smile.
"It's no problem; I completely understand. But seriously, I am so proud of you!"
There's a short silent pause in which I assume they hugged, before I hear the door at the top of the stairs click open. I smoothe down my hair and fan my face to try and make myself look presentable to whoever may be coming down the stairs, which ends up being Nick.
"Hey," he says. "Have you been… crying?"
He takes a seat next to me, a concerned look on his face. I laugh to play it off. "Um… maybe a little. I was worried about you. I couldn't find you."
He pulls me into his side with a chuckle. "You're definitely pregnant. You would've never cried about something like this six months ago."
I lightly smack his arm jokingly. "I can't help it!"
"Relax, I just went for a walk to think."
"You have to be careful about going out alone like that. Wait, is that blood?!"
He flips his hand over to show the small blood stain on his palm that I had spotted. "I just took down a lurker is all."
I let myself relax again. He's right; I never would've cried about this if I wasn't pregnant. In fact, I wouldn't have even been worried at all. I guess I need to work on controlling these newfound annoying emotions that are plaguing me.
"Dustin is annoying. He's been flirting with you ever since we got here," he says, shifting uncomfortably and tensing up.
I knew this was coming, and he's not exactly wrong. With a sigh I respond, "He's been alone here for awhile. He's probably just trying to feel normal again. Hopefully he'll stop soon, but this is a nice place for us to stay so we'll just have to learn to deal with it. He's harmless." At least I hope he is.
Nick shrugs as his nonverbal way of telling me that he doesn't want to talk about it further. I pat his leg as I get up. "I'm gonna' go take a bath," I announce, causing him to raise his eyebrows. "Alone," I add.
I run the bathwater, careful to avoid making it too hot. Once the tub is full, I immerse myself in the warm water. In the bath all of my body aches and mental worries fade away. For a short while, all that matters is my body soaking in the cozy bath. I stay in for way too long; by the time I finally step onto the bath mat, the water had long turned cold. I take my time patting myself dry, applying lotion to my body, and brushing my teeth for the third time today. I was never one to take a long time in the bathroom before, but after the past few months I've learned to savor moments like these.
Exiting the bathroom, I'm surprised to see Nick sitting in the same spot he was in before I went into the bathroom well over an hour ago. He just looks at me and smiles, not saying a word.
"Have you been waiting out here the whole time?" I ask.
"Nope," he murmurs, shaking his head subtly. "I left, but I just got back."
I sit down next to him, taking his hand in mine and staring back at him and the silly smile on my face. At first I think he's just in an oddly elated mood, but soon I realize that something is off. He's looking directly at me, but I can tell that something is wrong by the blank look in his eyes. Next, I smell the unmistakable reak of whiskey.
Before I can question him, he leans forward, putting nearly all of his body weight onto me. He mumbles into my neck, "I want you to be my wife."
"Nick, you're drunk?!" I ask in disbelief, although it's more of a statement.
I shove him off of me, and he lingers sitting up straight for a moment before flopping backward onto the couch. "Obviously," he mumbles with closed eyes.
"Nick, you're drunk. You can't say shit like that, especially with how the world is now," I say, shooting off of the couch and walking toward the stairs.
"Where are you going?!" He rushes to follow me, staggering with every step.
"I'm going to go figure out where the hell you got alcohol."
Nick chases after me up the stairs, trying to grasp at my arms. He falls several times on the way up, but thankfully he doesn't hurt himself. I reach the door at the top of the staircase before he can catch me. I throw the door open to see my family's surprised faces in the living room. Dustin, Jenny, and Bethany are in the kitchen, so I move to talk to them. Nick hangs back and awkwardly tries to act normal.
"Hey, guys." I approach the three in the kitchen, and am greeted by smiles, "I was just wondering if you had any alcohol in the house that may have been easily accessed by Nick?"
Bethany's face drops. "Oh… he saw some in the pantry and asked if he could have it. We've had it for a year and never touched it, so I told him to go ahead. I'm sorry, is that a problem?"
She really meant no harm, so I can't be upset with her. "He just has had some struggles with alcohol in the past."
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I had no idea!" She covers her mouth with her hand.
I grasp her hand and try to reassure her that it isn't her fault. "It's okay. I just was wondering if you could show me what's left?" At least I hope there's some left, and he didn't drink it all.
The three of them lead me toward the pantry. When the door is opened, I'm thrilled to see that the bottle is not empty. However, there isn't much left. "Did he drink all of this?" I ask.
"Oh, dear," Jenny and Bethany say in unison as they come up behind me and look over my shoulder.
"If you don't mind I'm just going to take him downstairs for the night. Maybe you guys could not mention this to the others?"
The three of them nod, Dustin looking unconcerned and indecisive at my request. I hope for Nick's sake that he doesn't bring it up around Pete. I make my way back to Nick, trying to act as if nothing is wrong. Nick is leaned against the basement door, biting his finger nail and keeping his eyes blankly trained on the floor in front of him. He hasn't done a very convincing job of convincing everyone that everything is normal.
I reach him and start to lead him down stairs, but he trips before I can get him out of view. He lands on his hands and knees. He gets up rather quickly, but it's too late; the others saw it.
"Jesus, boy. Are you drunk? You've been over there acting all weird and now you're fallin' all over the place," Pete reproaches Nick.
Nick turns and gives Pete a glare, showing that his temper is about to make an appearance. "So what if I am? It's not your business anyway." Anger flourishes in his tone.
Pete shrugs, rolls his eyes, and turns back to the card game he was playing with Luke. "If you wanna' make a fool out of yourself, go ahead."
"Hey, c'mon, man. What are you doing?" Luke asks, trying to sound sympathetic, but failing miserably.
"Whatever." Nick rolls his eyes and ungracefully stomps down the stairs. I wait to hear a loud thump to signal that he's fallen, but thankfully I never hear one. I try to make eye contact with the others, but it's a difficult task. Pete has his eyes deadlocked on the cards in front of him, like it would kill him to look away. I catch Luke's eyes for a moment, but they dart away before I can get his attention. As a last resort, I try to get Martha's attention. She's the only one willing to make eye contact with me. Her blue eyes connect with mine and she slowly shakes her head. She's not angry at Nick, but she knows that she can't do anything to help him tonight. Both her and I know it needs to be me. I nod back to her. I'll take care of it.
I descend down the stairs, tenderly and slowly placing my feet on each step. I don't know what I'm walking into. Nick could be sad or angry or both.
I find him lying on his back on top of the covers on the pull-out couch. He's staring up at the popcorn ceiling with a scowl. I know he sees me, but he's pretending not to. I sit next to him, the bed dipping a bit as I do so.
"Yeah, yeah, I fucked up," he slurs, the alcohol taking even more of an effect on him. He rolls onto his side to face away from me.
I lay on my side too, and wrap my arms around his torso. I press my face against his back, feeling the rigidness in his body. He wants to get up and leave, isolate himself and wallow in a pit of despair, sorrow, and self-hatred. But I won't let him. I will hold on for however long it takes. We lay there for a long time. I spend the minutes listening to his slow breaths and inhaling the scent of the shampoo he used this morning.
I eventually feel his muscles relax. At first I think he's fallen asleep, but he rolls over onto his stomach and buries his face into the pillow. "I'm… sorry…" His words come out muffled by the pillow and slurred from the alcohol.
"I'm not angry, and I'm not gonna' give you shit." I rub his back. "Just please drink this. A lot of it."
He sits up with dazed eyes and takes one look at the water bottle in my hands. He flops back down onto his stomach. "Don't… wanna…"
I muster all my strength to roll him onto his back and then into a sitting position. On a normal day it would be a difficult feat, but it's ten times as hard with his drunk body which is limp. He tries to shake his head but I force the water bottle to his lips. He complies and begins to drink, while I hold his head to make sure he doesn't choke.
Once he had drunk enough for my liking, I put the bottle on the table beside us. I grasp his face in my hands and force him to look at me. He stares at me with half closed eyes.
"Are you okay?" I ask, rubbing his cheek with my thumb.
"M' fine…" he mumbles. "Tired…"
I lay him back on the bed, making sure to leave him on his side in as comfortable a position as possible. I lay beside him with my arms around him. It's probably only seven o'clock, but I will myself to fall asleep anyway. There's no way I'd be leaving him alone like this. He hasn't been drunk in awhile, and he drank a ton. I have a feeling tomorrow morning is going to be rough.
September 30, 2003
As suspected, I am awoken at about five in the morning to the sound of someone vomiting in the bathroom. From the events of last night and the absence of his presence beside me, it's obvious that Nick is the one getting sick. The others stir in the darkness, so it's evident that they hear him. But no one except for myself gets up to check on him.
In the bathroom I rub his back until he finally stops vomiting, which takes an extremely long time. When he finally stops, I flush the toilet for him while he leans back against the wall. He's completely out of breath and he keeps his eyes shut painfully tight. I've never seen him-or anyone for that matter-throw up that much.
A few moments pass and he opens his eyes slowly, testing to see how much the bright light will strain his eyes. He settles with opening both eyes, but squinting so that they are half closed. He speaks, "Aren't I the one that's supposed to comfort you when you get sick?"
I try to respond, but waves of sickness had already begun attacking my stomach the second I woke up. Watching Nick get sick only exacerbated the feeling. I fling myself over the toilet and let last night's dinner spill out. When I finish I copy Nick and lean against the wall.
"You okay?" he asks.
"Nothing I can't handle. You?"
"Yeah, haven't drank that much or had a hangover in quite a while" he says, a hint of disgust in his tone. There's a long pause before he speaks again. "I ruined pretty much whatever was left of our relationship."
"Don't talk like that. It's just not true, and I'm not even mad. Was it a good decision? No. But is it over and done with? Yes. We'll just be sure to avoid it in the future."
He starts playing with my fingers. "Jesus, you're too good of a person."
I roll my eyes playfully and I hand him a bottle of water and an aspirin that I had grabbed before coming into the bathroom. He gratefully accepts them, and the two of us brush our teeth after he drinks half of the water bottle in one sitting. The two of us are confident that we aren't going to get sick again, so we head back to bed.
We wake up again a few hours later. Luke, Martha, and Pete take turns changing their clothes in the bathroom. Nick and I lounge around in bed until they all finish getting ready and head upstairs. Nick had whispered to me that he wanted to apologize to everyone for his behaviour last night, and I agreed that it was a good idea. I was proud of him for wanting to apologize. He drags his feet getting ready, taking twenty minutes alone to pick which of his three pairs of pants he wants to wear today. I know he's taking so long because he's nervous to confront everyone.
He finishes, and I lead him upstairs. He takes a few deep breaths at the top of the staircase. I wait for him to nod before I push the door open. Nick walks to the middle of the room, catching everyone's attention.
"So, I'm sorry about my behavior last night. It was wrong of me and I won't do it again." Nick says, his voice not faltering once. He did a good job apologizing.
"I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's okay. We forgive you," Jenny says.
Around the room everyone gives Nick a smile. Even Pete and Dustin give a small grin. Nick looks at me with a smile, proud of himself.
"C'mon, man. We got work to do!" Luke gets off of the couch and leads Nick outside.
While the boys work outside I take turns doing different things to keep myself preoccupied. I get some breakfast and watch Nick and Luke outside and wish that they would let me help. I read through a random magazine. I finally settle into the couch at the same time as Jenny, Bethany, Martha, Pete, and Dustin also find a seat in the living room.
Dustin takes a seat next to me, and at first I don't think much of it. He quickly begins trying to strike up a conversation with me, which again I don't think much about. But it too quickly delves into flirtations. I awkwardly try to laugh and nod my way through it, but he continues his romantic advances, and he vamps them up in intensity as the minutes pass. After a while, the others begin to overhear our conversations. Martha sends me a look of concern. While this is going on, I mentally beg whatever higher power is listening to please make this end before Nick comes back inside.
"You know…" Dustin says, placing his hand on my thigh and leaning close to me. He's so close to me that I feel his breath on my face and see every little speckle of brown in his green eyes. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met."
I laugh uncomfortably and mumble a "thanks." All of a sudden, I feel a pair of hands on my shoulders. Nick. He must've come back inside while Dustin was distracting me and I hadn't even noticed.
"She is the most beautiful girl… and she's having my baby," Nick announces with his chest.
There's an eerie silence in which no one knows what to do or say. I look rapidly between Nick and Luke and Dustin. I can't believe Nick would do that, and I have no idea what the reaction from the others is going to be.
"Uhh… congratulations?" Dustin finally says in confusion, looking between Nick and I. "I wasn't aware you two were together?"
"Umm, we're not? It's complicated." My heart is beating out of my chest.
Dustin stops looking between Nick and I and instead focuses back on me. He leans close again, and repositions his hand on my thigh even higher than it was before. "Well in that case, I don't mind being a stepdad."
In an instant, Nick has launched himself at Dustin. The two of them fall to the floor. Dustin desperately tries to push Nick off, but to no avail. He's no match for Nick, who is at least a half a foot taller than him. I yell for them to stop, but of course it doesn't matter. Luke and Pete act fast and pull the two apart, but not before Nick got one good punch in.
Pete scolds Nick. Jenny and Bethany pull Dustin to his feet and smooth down his shirt. Jenny cradles his face to check that he's okay. But I'm unable to care or pay attention to any of the chaos that is ensuing. My brain is a jumbled mess of emotions, including anger, sadness, and worry.
Dustin storms off and Jenny turns to us with a somber voice, "I think it'd be best if you all left now."
We turn and head downstairs in a silent stupor. Everyone collects their personal items in a complete silence.
Upstairs we start to head out the door. Nick ducks out first without paying any attention to Jenny or Bethany or Dustin who is standing against the counter with a freshly formed bruise and a scowl. Pete and Luke give a nod to Jenny and Bethany before heading outside. Martha thanks the two women before she leaves, making me the last one out the door.
I give them a small sad smile and try to avoid Dustin's gaze. I feel too guilty. Before I can make it out the door, Jenny gingerly grabs my wrist. "This is for you," she says.
She hands me a rather heavy box. I peer inside to see an assortment of items: books, food, bottles of water. I take it because I know I need it to survive, but I ask her, "Why are you doing this?"
She smiles, showing her teeth. "Take care of your baby."
I smile back. "Thank you. I will."
I have to leave without another word or glance or I'll start crying. The second I close the RV door behind me, Pete takes off, causing me to almost fall. Luke grabs my arm to steady me. I hand him the box so that I can take a seat. I don't need to get dizzy right now or I may get sick. We drive for twenty minutes in silence. Pete is gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are a ghostly white color.
"Good job, Nick," Luke finally says. "Good job for making us leave the one place on Earth that was maybe safe."
Nick rolls his eyes. "Did you see those people? They couldn't even take down one lurker. It was only a matter of time before that place got swarmed. Really I did us all a favor."
"A favor?" Pete and Luke ask incredulously at the same time.
"Bea, you've gotta be on my side," Nick says, turning to me.
"Your side? There are no sides here. I'm pissed at you for what you've done, but there's no changing it. I don't really feel like sitting here arguing over it. I just want to go lie down." I grab my stomach, feeling a pang of pain.
"Lie down?" Nick asks. "It's like noon."
Martha, who was previously leaning against the countertop and pinching the bridge of her nose, walks toward the middle of the floorspace with her hands up. "Bea is right. She's already stressed enough with everything that's going on. You all don't need to be stressing her out more by arguing."
I nod at her to show my appreciation. I grab a can of pineapple juice from the box Jenny gave me and walk into the bedroom. I close the door and am sure to lock it. I don't come out for the rest of the day.
Author's Note: So that's the last we'll see of Dustin, Jenny, and Bethany… or is it?
Also, I took an absurd amount of time to post this chapter. School ends next week for me so I should be able to update more often!