Chapter Title "Back To Black" by Sam Fender

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

Jay had been constantly checking his phone because he was worried about Rianne and Nate being alone together.
This morning adjusting back into work and getting accustomed to the new cases had kept him busy to some extend. But when checking out his and Will's suits at the men's tailor later he had been thoroughly distracted, getting reprimanded by his brother, because his head was not in the game and Will thought he was an old worrywart.
Jay didn't feel good about this. Not because he didn't trust his girlfriend (which still sounded new in his ears), he didn't trust Nate, not one bit. The other Ruzek hadn't looked too healthy after all that time away as one would have hoped. He knew if he had gone there against her wishes Rianne wouldn't forgive him for not respecting her, but just sitting around waiting on the outcome sucked so much he was almost losing his mind.

"It's going to be alright Jay. She's going to figure this out with him!" Will tried to reason for the hundredth time since he had told him what was going on.

They had gone back to Jay's apartment after their appointment. First there had been some dusting to be done after not being in here for so long. Jay had gone through his mail, but then there was really nothing he could keep himself focused on, so thankfully Will had kept him company.

"What if they're not? What if I am just straight out of luck again?" Jay hadn't known that his mistrust in his luck concerning relationships would be triggered that quickly, but it was.

Half an hour ago Rianne had finally texted him that she would be coming over to his place now. No information on what had gone down whatsoever. He couldn't help but be a little angry. If it was at her or Nate or the situation in general or the fact he could do nothing about it at the moment, he didn't exactly know.
So when the bell went off Jay shot up from where he had been sitting with Will on his couch, nursing a beer to calm down his nerves. Buzzing Rianne up and holding open his apartment door for her he raised his eyebrows when he saw her coming up. What the hell…?

"Can we crash with you for a while?" She sounded a little out of breath and had a backpack, a suitcase and Límon in a cat-carrier with her.

"There's actually more in the car…and I brought your stuff too..." she admitted guiltily when she caught him staring at her baggage.

"Of course, what happened?"

His nosy brother was coming towards that entry-way spectacle too. Being the polite person that she was Rianne greeted him first before elaborating:

"Hi Will…"

"Hi angel!" Will smiled at her charmingly, kissing both her cheeks and taking the suitcase from her.

Jay threw his brother an annoyed look. He just couldn't leave well enough alone. After being let in and putting all her stuff down, Rianne kept babbling:

"I really hope this is okay with you. Otherwise I would have to bunk with Casey, Severide and Stella, because there are bed bugs at Hermann's place right now. I could have stayed at Stella's little room there as she's shacking up with Kelly most of the time anyway."

"No! Are you kidding me?" Jay was a little offended that she had even considered staying with someone other than him.

"You can stay as long as you want to. In fact I don't want you to go anywhere else…" Letting some of his earlier anger go, he went over to her and hugged Rianne tight.

He should take into account that she had come back to him, he told himself, but he was still feeling anxious. It was hard to wait until he got the full story on why she felt like she had to move out of her home in the first place.

"So you don't feel like you need space after shacking up with me last week?" She said it jokingly, but Jay knew there was a little insecurity inside her about this.

"Funny as it may sound: I don't need any space from you…"

"Funnily enough: Me neither…" Rianne pulled his head down for a relieved kiss.

"I'm gonna go and throw up after witnessing that! I feel like I'm watching a telenovela. I always thought I was the smooth talker in the family!" Will groaned, reminding them that he was still there as well.

Rianne sank down on a kitchen chair, appreciating the bottle Jay got her and finally brought them up to speed on how her "talk" with Nate had gone down.
Jay was instantly furious and could barely keep still. He was pacing the room like a tiger in a cage, ready to attack. What was that guy thinking?

"Did he hurt you?" It was his first thought.

Rianne neither did look physically hurt, nor did she seem enormously cut up about this whole drama. There was more a matter-of-fact demeanor about the way she told them what Nate had said to her. Somehow she seemed more surprised and disbelieving than anything.

"No, he kissed me, but I fought him off!"

"That son of a… I'm gonna kill him!"

That hot ball of anger Jay was very well accustomed to rolled through his body, he was short of climbing the walls. How dare that douchebag lay hands on his girl? How dare he make her feel so cornered that she resorted to moving out of her own place?
Rianne shot him a scolding glance, ready to tackle him if he would only so much as inch closer to the door to go after Nate, her voice firm:

"Jay, it's gonna be okay and you're not killing no one… He said he's going to sit things out until I change my mind. I said he needs to find somewhere else to live when I left. I guess it shouldn't be a problem, his mum's a realtor, so she can help out once he gets his head on straight. Meanwhile Nate can stay in the loft, but I certainly won't stay there with him as long as he is this delusional. I hope Adam can talk some sense into him or he will see in time that…"

"Wait, why Adam?" Jay didn't let her finish, stopping in his tracks.

So she had needed help getting out of the house after all?

"I called him so I could get out of the house and take my stuff without Nate being up my back all of the time. I thought as his cousin maybe he could keep him in line."

Jay wasn't listening to anything other than that she had called his colleague before him. He didn't care that his brother was still in the room, or that he was probably blowing things out of proportion, but he couldn't reign in his temper, taking a step closer to her:

"So, let me get this straight: You said you didn't need any help handling this and then you go and call Adam before you call me?" He raised his voice at the last part of his sentence, his whole body going rigid.

"Hell yes I did! Because I didn't need you to go all knight in shining armor on me and rescue me from the fiery dragon! This would have made things worse like I said this morning! Stop yelling at me for Christ's sake!"

He heard her plea, but he couldn't comply and kept the argument going:

"Why are you letting him stay at your place if he's being such a dick to you? I don't get it, I would have chased him out of there!"

Was she secretly trying to keep her home intact like it was before in case things didn't work out between her and him? Jay was short of asking her just than, when his work-phone rang.
Seeing it was Voight calling him he couldn't ignore it after he just started back today, not wanting to seem unreliable:

"Halstead," he grunted into the phone, silencing Rianne with his index finger over his mouth.

She had just wanted to say something to keep defending herself he guessed. Knowing her she wouldn't back down so easily.
When he ended the short call he regretted the bad timing, but Voight needed to discuss something with him in person that couldn't wait until tomorrow:

"I'm sorry, I have to step out for a minute, Voight needs me for something. Can you stay with her until I get back?" he addressed Will, who nodded a little perplexed.

Jay didn't know if it was because of the question or of the screaming-match his brother had just witnessed.

"I don't need a babysitter Jay!" Rianne protested, eyes now equally shooting daggers at him like he had been shooting at her just a minute ago.

"I think you do and just fyi: this conversation is far from over!"

"Jay if you decide to go over there now and have it out with Nate then…."

"Then, what?" With one last fierce look in her direction he grabbed his jacket and slammed the door behind him, hearing her call:

"Are you freakin' serious?" after him, outraged now too.

In a way Jay was thankful that Voight had called him the moment he did, otherwise he would have probably said some things he didn't really mean and he didn't want to say. He was just so angry, and hurt and confused and felt betrayed by the universe because things couldn't just be simple and peaceful for once. Just yesterday night he had been the happiest, most satisfied and calm he had been in a long time.
Getting into his own truck after being chauffeured around for longer than he had liked, he angrily discarded his sling on the front-seat and drove to the district himself. The physical discomfort palpable when he used his left arm just matching the pain he felt in his chest.

"Well, that was….awkward…"

Will tried to fill the silence that had been dominating the room ever since his hot-head of a brother had slammed the front door and walked out of his argument with Rianne.
Classic Jay! The younger Halstead had a habit of doing that, be it due to work or because he couldn't help it.
Will speculated he would have needed to take a beat sooner or later anyway to not fly off the handle completely. Composing himself had never been one of Jay's strength. Everything his little brother felt, he always felt so deeply.

"Seems I didn't get the memo that it's asshole-day!" Rianne commented that outburst sarcastically and was quiet for another minute.

Will saw that she was fighting to keep her head up and not start crying angry or maybe even sad tears and he felt a bit sorry for that on his brother's behalf. Her face was tense, lines of worry and conflict showing on her forehead that normally didn't belong there.
Rianne suddenly looked directly at him, kind of unsure of herself. As if she was deciding to talk to him about whatever was on her mind or keep her mouth shut.

"I couldn't let him come over there today!" Now it sounded more like she was assuring herself she had made the right call.

"Yeah, avoiding any confrontation between Nate and Jay at the moment sounds like a good plan. I would be very relieved to see my brother healed up from his current injuries first…" Will laughed a little unhappy.

"Aren't you afraid that Nate will go completely crazy and destroy your home or steal things or destroy them out of spite?" Will was curious how she could have left her beautiful house in the hands of a momentary maniac.

"I just needed to get out of there and I didn't know what else to do. Nate wouldn't budge and I didn't want to go to extremes just yet, like throw him out and get a restraining order. The only thing I wanted was to be with Jay, so… I just packed up and got out of there. I didn't think beyond that I guess."

Will nodded his head in understanding. Rianne was still not getting how this had went from one bad situation to another one:

"Why doesn't Jay get that I didn't mean to hurt him, just because I asked someone else for help? I only tried to keep him out of harm's way."

"Pffffff, you're really asking me about the complex, multi-layered mind that is my brother's?" Jay was a mystery to Will himself most days.

"I am…." Rianne stated and her eyes told him that she didn't resort to asking his advise on this easily.

She seriously was afraid to mess things up with Jay. Will had been convinced that Rianne usually understood his brother quite well, sometimes without so many words. But seeing as they both had a temper that was easily provoked, conflicts and arguments had probably been bound to occur. They were both pretty cross-grained as they had proven in the past and knew how to press each other's buttons.

"Look, you should really talk to him about this, not to me. I'll just say you have to take into account that Jay has the tendency to get scared if he feels like he does not know everything about you and can't figure you out. He wants to have all the information to have the security that he can help the people he cares about."

"But I don't need help all the time and I don't need saving. I have practically been on my own since I was a little girl. I can handle myself. And I just told him what happened, I wasn't shutting him out!" Rianne sulked.

"I think Jay knows that, but he needs you to tell him what's going on nonetheless. He might be afraid that you go about your life the way you used to, not including him in any decision-making. And if he gets scared he lashes out and acts… you know… like this…"

"But I need to be able to do my thing. Decide for myself without consulting him all the time."

"I don't think he wants to decide for you. He just wants to feel included, like his opinion matters to you, that you will hear him out. He needs to feel that you want him in your life."

"I am currently moving a lot of my stuff into his place, you think this'll assure him enough that I fucking want him in my life? Or shouldn't I move the rest of my stuff in, d'you think he's going to throw me out once he gets back because he is such a stubborn idiot?"

"Nonsense… He knows I will kill him if he messes this up! We certainly can't change the seating chart for the reception all over again…" Will tried lightening the mood, but he had somehow misjudged the situation:

"I was being serious Will!" Rianne's stern face told him it was too early for jokes.

"No way stupid! He will come around. Come over here!" Will reached out his arms.

His big brother instincts said it was time for a comforting hug and Rianne gratefully accepted, wiping away an escaped tear of distress. Those two drama queens and their insecurities! Things would certainly not get boring between and with them, Will mused.

"How did Nat do it?" Rianne mumbled into his chest after a while.

"How did she do what?" He didn't know what she was applying to.

"Get all the people from her life before you to butt out and be happy for her? Stop caring what everyone thinks of her new relationship… if it's too soon or not right for her?"

Will suspected that there had been a lot more Nate had said to Rianne, than she had told his brother to not hurt him. His heart got a little heavier at the thought of the crusade still ahead for her.

"Honestly, I don't know. It certainly was tough on her too. Maybe you should talk to her about it sometime…Compare notes on those moronic brothers you're dating..."

"Rianne?" Jay's voice and him knocking was only a faint sound behind a thick wall. A thick wall of sorrow and tears and of course actual bricks.

Will and her had passed the time getting her things out of her pick-up and into Jay's apartment, her heart still constricted and hoping it wouldn't be in vain. He had then convinced her to get out her guitars and practice a little with him on the songs he had chosen for the wedding, indeed succeeding to take her mind off things. It made her feel like this was just a small bump in the road and things would go back to normal. There was a future to look forward to, an event she would be attenting with Jay by her side, once they had figured this out.

Just when Jay texted Will he was ten minutes out Rianne said she wanted to run a bath and that Will could get going, she wasn't planning on escaping to anywhere. She didn't know if he left or stayed, because she didn't wait for him to make his decision and locked herself into Jay's bathroom, turning on the faucets. Sitting on the rim of the tub she waited for it to fill up with scalding hot water. Rianne yearned to sink into that puddle of bubbles, dive under and drown out every noise in her head for a while. Brace herself for her talk with Jay. She was so tired that she didn't really want to talk about anything today at all if she was honest.

"Rianne, open up!"

Although she had wanted to ban all the thoughts about the encounter with Nate and her shock about what came out of it, from her mind, it didn't really work while she was sitting there alone. Her mind was suddenly on overdrive again and her heart began to feel heavier by the minute as the gravity of it all sank in.

The realization that had hit her before, that Nate didn't know her anymore, came back full force. He didn't know what she had become, what she wanted from life. He was clinging to an old version of the girl he used to know that just didn't exist anymore and even that one he seemed to have gotten totally wrong. Had he just pretended to be her friend always pursuing an ulterior motive that one day he would be more to her? Hurting himself along the way because she didn't reciprocated his feelings? Had this been going on when Andrea had still been alive?
It hurt so much. It hurt that he wouldn't open his mind to a future that was different from anything they had imagined twelve years, eight years, hell even three years ago. It hurt that she had to question every conversation, every memory she had about them: About them being friends, confidantes, fellow sufferers and companions.

There was no denying that some of his words had implanted themselves into her brain, sowing doubt. Was she really leaving a man behind that had known her for so long, for someone she barely knew five minutes? Even though it felt like the man she had only known for five minutes already knew her better than Nate ever had? Jay had seen deep into her soul, hadn't he? What she felt for him was real, it had to be real.
She couldn't have just been imagining this deep connection, the pull she felt whenever he was near, whenever she thought about him.
Rianne hated that Nate made her question herself even a little bit because: How could she trust her gut, when it seemed to have been wrong about her best friend after all this time?

"You're going to regret this!"

It had almost sounded like a threat, the words Nate had called out after her when she had left their place with everything that was important, everything she could carry, Adam almost tackling Nate and calling him out on his behavior:

"What the hell is wrong with you dude? Leave her alone!"

Yeah, what the hell was wrong with him?

Their place… that was certainly history. She would never forgive him for the way he had treated her, the way he had made her feel when he had forced his mouth on hers in that desperate and yet calculated, possessive way. How would she react if she saw him at work next week? That image, that feeling? It was irreversibly imprinted on her memory.

Thinking back to this her chest had suddenly felt very tight, restricting her airway. She had slid down to the cold tiles and put her head between her knees, trying to keep breathing, feeling sick. And then the painful tears she had been holding back since hours ago fell and didn't stop.
It was like someone had died in her life all over again and she had to mourn a loss she hadn't been expecting. She hugged herself tightly.

"Rianne, please just say something or open up or I swear I'll kick the door in!"

There was this voice again, a voice she wanted to be soft and caring, not loud and hard like it had been earlier. She needed him to understand.

But Rianne couldn't get up or stop the crying to give him an answer. She had cried herself into a frenzy by now, howling like a little child, embarrassed with herself but not able to stop the waterworks and the desperation she felt at losing someone today. It was a crying that physically hurt since it afflicted her whole body.
Rianne couldn't catch her breath enough to stop the hiccupy sounds emerging from her throat even if she wanted to and then the door was kicked in with a loud smashing sound, wood splintering.

Jay took in the room and the situation in two split seconds, eyes open wide, body charged with adrenaline. He turned off the faucets, the water in the tub almost threatening to splash over any second. Then he hauled the picture of misery on the floor into his arms, kneeling down in front of her and pressing her head against his chest. He shushed and held her while she was bawling her eyes out. He felt like crap for yelling at her before. Having had some time to think about his outburst and his fears behind it, Jay had put things into perspective while going over some case-files with Voight, antsy to get back here and fix things.

Jay pulled Rianne up from the floor, moving them onto his living-room couch because his knees were beginning to hurt. Maybe a change of scenery would make her snap out of the state she was in. Rianne instantly curled up into a ball on top of him, the convulsive sobbing continued. Again he put his arms around her, rubbing soothing circles over her back and placing his head on top of hers. He didn't tell her to stop crying, he just waited for the storms to calm down with her although it was difficult for him to see her like this. Probably it had been like that for her when witnessing his meltdown last week, because he suspected his pain was just as well hers as hers was his by now. She had been patient and understanding with him, so he felt he owed her the same. But hearing her heartbreaking wails through the bathroom door earlier and not being able to get to her, not getting any sign that she was okay on her own, something inside him had snapped. He had already suspected that she was hurting more than she led on.
When her breathing slowed down and her snivels became less frequent he pressed his lips to her forehead.

"I'm really sorry about before babe!" He softly said, combing her hair back from her red, hot, tear-stained face.

Jay was relieved to see that some life was springing back into her, because she put her arms around his neck and pressed him to her in return, sighing deeply.
Then she let him go and got up, a little cold feeling engulfed his heart until she looked him in the eyes and said:

"I need to wash my face real quick…"

When she returned Jay had gotten up from the couch as well, leaning against the backrest of it. Rianne's eyes were still pretty puffy, but her posture had returned to upright, more collected, she nodded over her shoulder at the bathroom door he had taken off the hinges, as if she had just registered it for the first time:

"Nice work Detective! Thank god you still got a separate toilet…"

"Yeah… I'll see what I can do about that… sorry…" Jay was a little contrite because of his impulsiveness earlier.

"But you normally never lock a door, so I thought something wasn't right and you were drowning in that bathtub or worse..."

"You must've rubbed off on me. When I went in there your brother was still here so I locked it... But it's your home Jay… you can trash it whichever way you want…" She had stopped in front of him, fiddling with the sleeve of her dress and looking at the dark grey spots on his shirt where she had spilled her tears.

"You're staying here too now, so I will fix it!"

"I'm sorry I sprang this on you. If it's not okay, just say the word. And if you don't want the cat here I can get Stella to take him…But I wanted to be here with you…" Rianne tentatively reached out for his hand.

Jay grabbed hers tight and pulled her into him once again. Her warmth against his body was as always comforting.

"Please shut up about it. It's fine, I'm glad you felt that way…"

"I don't want you to feel pressured into this… I would have liked for us to keep shacking up at my place or talk about where we wanted to go from there, but now it's... I'm just ... I'm sorry for all the drama, I think..."

"Stop it! I wish it were under better circumstances, but I'm happy to share my home with you, you did the same, so: We're good! And you know I wanna be with you every night anyway, it doesn't matter which bed we sleep in. So were these woebegone tears about me being an overbearing ass, about this day in general or is there something you didn't tell me before?"

He was strongly trying to keep in all the anger churning in his gut just by thinking about what else Nate could have done or said to her that got her so upset other than pretty much destroying their friendship by pressuring her into an impossible choice.
Rianne was quietly looking him up and down now. Jay got that she was accessing his state and his hands for signs he had gotten into a fist fight or else. He cupped her face, his left shoulder still protesting if he used his arm like nothing happened, but he didn't care right now:

"I didn't go to see Nate. I was with Voight all the time, you can check with him!"

For a moment their eyes held each others gaze, her watery blue ones connecting with his piercing greens.

"Okay, thank you!"

"So?"

"Jay I don't wanna hurt you but I don't wanna lie to you either. Nate said some things that got me thinking and…"

"… You're not seriously considering anything he said, do you?" He immediately was working himself up into a lather again, his eyes gauging every tell he could get from her face.

Jay wanted to shut out the words coming from her mouth and yet he couldn't wait to hear where she was going with this.

"Would you let me finish before jumping to conclusions?" Rianne stomped her foot on the floor loudly, fire in her eyes at his impetuous reaction.

"Geesh! You sure you're not half Mediterranean or Hispanic?"

Somehow it was a little hot that they could rile each other up like that Jay thought, sometimes just not really helping.

"I guess it's my Irish genes pushing through…" he had to laugh against his will.

"Next time I'll bring duct-tape with me so I can gag you until I am finished explaining myself!"

He would certainly like to see that, but he kept his mouth shut for now to let her continue.

"So, to answer you question: I was pretty upset in general, still am. I wasn't prepared Nate would come at me like this. And he said some things about Andrea's family and how I haven't told them I'm with somebody new and why I can't be honest with them if I'm being serious about it. He threatened to go tell them his side of the story, make me look bad, get them on his side - whatever... Saying it out loud it sounds pretty crazy actually. But I can't help but feel like I need to get out in front of this. I'll sleep on it, but maybe I have to rip off the band-aid and be done with it, just go over there and tell them about us. And then they can be angry or disappointed with me, but at least they heard it from me and not somebody else if Nate decides to pursue his vendetta or whatever he's planning. I honestly can't tell anymore..." She ran her hands over her face and through her hair, fed up.

"Can I say something?" he muttered after a little moment of letting her words sink in.

Put aside that he thought it childish and immature of Nate to threaten to go "tell tales" about her, he had already known that this would be a topic that they would have to tackle someday.

"Yeah, please!" she breathed out and Jay cleared his throat:

"You shouldn't do this because you feel like you need to get out in front of this or because you somehow think you have to prove something to yourself or anyone, or me. You should do it because you want to and because you feel ready to do it. There should be no other reason for taking such a step... After all we're not committing a crime or anything by being together."

Rianne just stared at him for a minute before her features relaxed into a slowly spreading, incredulous smirk: "You're so smart and noble-minded sometimes..."

"See? More than just a pretty face!" Jay found himself smiling too and pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

"Yeah, you're way more than just a pretty face..." She put her hands in his back jeans-pockets, getting closer than close and glanced up at him, eyes lighting up.

He was glad to see her crack a smile again.

AN: Can't wait to see that pretty face of his in an all new episode of Chicago PD this week, I'm so excited that it's finally coming back to our screens. Thanks for reading and reviewing as always!