Chapter 10

"The worst, though, was the last video. He was in a different room. He looked scared. 'A complete failure,' he said. 'Not a man. A monster.' And he told the phone his only hope was that it had died again. He had just given me life, and he wanted me to die.

"I still hated myself, but now I hated him too. Why would he create something he couldn't care about? Something he hated? Not a man. A monster. That was his fault, not mine. I couldn't help the way I was made.

"Sometimes I went deep into the woods, to avoid the family and anyone out walking. If I was not a person, I had no hope of making friends with anyone. I told myself that if I stayed away from people long enough, I wouldn't want anyone anymore. But I never made it more than a few days. I would worry that the family had run out of wood, or that something terrible had happened to them. Or the desire to see people would just get too strong. Then I would go back, see them, and feel a different pain. It went like that for a while. Hope would lift me up, then drop me on the rocks.

"After a while, I realized it was never going to work. I might not be a person, but I wasn't an animal either. I could never be happy, alone in the forest. Though when I think of it, the animals weren't alone. They had mates and babies. I was the only thing that didn't.

"I decided I would meet the family. I kept practicing speaking, so I could get the right words out. I also brought them more little gifts. Things like smooth stones and flowers from the trees. They didn't need those things, but they seemed to like them. I needed to show my good intentions. And besides, hearing them happy made me happy.

"I came up with many plans, before I settled on waiting until the grandfather was alone. I gradually realized he didn't see well, if he saw anything at all. I was sure I sounded enough like a person that he wouldn't notice the difference. Once the others saw that he wasn't afraid of me, they would give me a chance. I would win them over gradually, and they would let me stay. Sometimes I let myself imagine sharing my food with them, and tasting some of theirs. We would talk, and sing when the grandfather got out his guitar. I would teach the little girl about the forest. Maybe they would even introduce me to other friends, and tell them not to be afraid. Maybe some woman could look past my ugliness – maybe not. But even without a mate, life would be full and happy with friends.

"But then I would see myself in water. My heart would sink deep into me. How could they care about something like me? But they had to. I told myself they would.

"There came a day when the young man and woman had to take the little girl somewhere. The grandfather stayed by the fire, just sitting quietly. I walked out of the woods, then got closer. He didn't see me. I had thought of so many things to say, but I couldn't think how to start.

"He finally looked up. 'Is someone there?'

"'Hello,' I said. 'Can I sit by your fire?'

"'I don't know, can you?' he said with a smile. I didn't know how to answer. 'Yes, you're welcome to join me.'

"I sat down and tried to think of something to say. 'Are you out hiking?' he asked.

"'I live here in the woods.'

"'You have a cabin?'

"'No, I just live outside.'

"'Isn't there anyone you could go to?'

"'There are some people I love. But they don't love me.' I had to swallow a lump in my throat. 'I haven't hurt anyone. But they see a monster.'"

"'It can't be as bad as all that. Come on. We'll have a drink and talk it out.' He got up and used his cane to work his way toward a tree. He pulled a bottle out of a hollow in it. 'My son and daughter-in-law don't know about this. But a man needs a nip sometimes.' He found a cup and told me to pour myself some. I poured a full cup, then wished I hadn't. It burned my throat, and I coughed. He didn't mind it, though. He could drink straight from the bottle. So I drank a little more, to please him. My head started feeling funny.

"Once I started talking, I couldn't stop, even though my voice started sounding funny. And soon I'd told him the truth about where I came from.

"'I think it's time for you to move along,' he said, and his throat sounded tight.

"'Move where?' I asked.

"'I don't know, but you need to not be here when my family comes back,' he said. I heard it, and I understood the words, but something didn't sink in. 'Leave, now.'

"He started to get up and walk away. I followed, even though the ground felt like it was shifting. I grabbed his arm. 'Don't touch me!' he yelled, and tried to pull away. And somehow we ended up on the ground. He was fighting to get away from me. And I heard a car pull up. I barely had time to register that before I felt a fist on the side of my face. The young man pulled me off his father and was winding up his fist for another punch. I pulled out of his grasp and ran for the woods.

"I sat down and held my spinning head. How had it gone so wrong? I couldn't think, so I just let it out. I'd never heard anyone roar like that. Maybe humans can't make that sound. Just monsters. And I kept letting all the anger out until I was tired. Then I slept.

"When I woke up, I could think more clearly. I'd obviously said too much. I should have let the grandfather get to know me as a man, then let him introduce me to the others. Then someday, it would be the right time for the truth. But I couldn't believe all was lost. I decided to go back and speak to them again.

"They were putting things in the van when I walked up. I smiled and raised my hand, to show I meant no harm. But they jumped into the van, leaving their last things behind. I ran as best I could on my uneven legs and got to the door. But the father drove the car backwards as fast as he could, and they were gone. I knew I'd never see them again.

"I sat down by their fire, staring stupidly at nothing. First I cried, when I thought of those good people and how much I'd loved them. Then anger took over, when I thought of how they'd pushed me away. I would never be anything but a monster to them. Well, if I was a monster, why not act like one? I destroyed everything they left. The things I couldn't tear apart, I threw on the fire. There was joy in throwing the bottle at the fire and watching the flames leap, consuming everything. Then the fire died down, and so did my anger. And I was alone, on a dark, chilly night.

"I knew I couldn't stay there. What if the family told the other humans where to find the monster, and they all came with their weapons? No, I would have to leave. But where could I go? Wasn't every direction equally bad, for someone like me? Who could I go to? And then I realized: there was one person I could go to. One person I was connected to. One person who owed me justice. It was time to find my creator."

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates!