A/N - Angst incoming!

"Where is she?" Sebastian half-yelled as I approached. He pushed Jace's shoulder as he tried to force his way through the door but stumbled backwards unsteadily from the sudden movement, letting out a small huff of surprise as he careened straight back into the doorframe. Jace looked at the ceiling for a brief moment before he cast me an apologetic glance over his shoulder with a sigh, his mouth set in a grimace.

"C'mon buddy." He mumbled, "Get in before you're arrested. Keep your voice down." He grabbed Sebastian by the arm and dragged him inside so he could drop him, none too gently, on to the couch. The smell of beer followed them, lingering in the air.

"What are you doing?" I hissed at Jace when he reappeared at my side.

"He knows you're home. He'll stand out there yelling all night if you don't talk to him now." he reasoned softly, glancing at the very rumpled man on the couch. I narrowed my eyes at him before I turned my back and stomped out into the hallway. I leaned out over the bannister into the stairwell below, spotting Madame Dorothea's head peeking out of her apartment door at the bottom of the stairs, eyes squinting up at me accusingly behind her round glasses. I called down a quick apology, knowing I'd have some serious grovelling to do the next day.

"Five minutes." I told Jace tightly when I swept back into the apartment without meeting his eyes, knowing he had a point but not willing to admit it in as many words. I kicked the door shut behind me with more force than I'd intended; the handle rattled, echoing sharply around the otherwise silent apartment. I stalked across the living room and came to a halt in front of Sebastian with my hands on my hips, glaring at his slumped form on my couch.

As angry as I felt, I couldn't stop the nervous energy that ricocheted through my legs as I looked down on him. Seeing him in my apartment after so much time had me on edge and my foot tapped in agitation of its own accord. Jace leaned against the wall just behind me with his arms folded and his jaw tense, my silent bodyguard, but I could feel similar waves of unease rolling from him.

"You'd better have an outstanding reason for showing up here Sebastian, and you'd better explain it to me right now or so help me God I'll toss you ass first out the fire escape." I bit, my voice as hard and as frigid as ice.

Sebastian smiled lazily when his bloodshot eyes focussed long enough to recognise me.

"You look mad, Clare Bear. Why are you mad?"

The old nickname made me wince, but I ignored it.

"You can't seriously be asking me that?" my voice was sceptical, "You show up here unannounced, blind drunk and you almost break my damn door off its hinges, and you wonder why I'm mad?"

Sebastian blinked slowly and slumped back in the chair, looking exhausted. His dark hair fell into his eyes as he closed them; it had grown since the last time I'd seen him. My hand twitched at my side.

"I needed to see you, C. It feels like you're avoiding me." he sounded almost sad and my faithless heart squeezed for a moment, but I swallowed any tiny traces of guilt that might have tried to worm their way in to my system as hard as I possibly could.

"Good spot genius, what gave me away?" I asked him in my best 'reasoning with the idiot' voice, sarcasm lashing from my tongue like a whip as I forced out the words. Whether he didn't hear me or chose to ignore me, I didn't know, but he continued on as if I hadn't said a word.

"Jon told me I should leave you alone, but I don't want to."

I squeezed my hands in to white-knuckle fists and let out a huff of breath through my nose.

"Of course you did exactly what you wanted to do." I snapped, "How much more obvious do I need to be, Sebastian? I blocked your number, I told you to give me some space. I don't want to see you." My voice was deadly quiet, and he finally looked at me, eyes focused with a weight behind them that told me my tone had hit a mark. His brow creased as he straightened up with a hard blink.

"Clary, I-"

I cut him off sharply, unwilling to listen any further, "Do yourself a favour and just shut up for once, Seb."

He pursed his lips and, surprisingly, stayed quiet, looking very much like a little boy who'd just been chewed out by his mom for stealing cookies before dinner. He squirmed awkwardly on the couch and pulled at the cuffs of his sweater as I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger.

"Jace, do you mind grabbing my phone?" I eventually asked, "I think it's in my jacket pocket. I need to speak to my brother."

Sebastian watched with a frown as Jace crossed the room, clocking the brief squeeze of my hand as he left my side. I couldn't find it in me to feel embarrassed that our clothes still littered the floor, or that Sebastian had noticed it too. His glassy eyes slid to meet mine as Jace fished my phone from my pocket then quickly gathered our things. He hung them neatly on the rack by the door, and I couldn't stop the small smile that tugged at my lips.

"What's he doing here?" Sebastian asked levelly, pulling back my attention. I rolled my eyes and folded my arms tightly.

"I really don't think that's any of your business." I said tartly.

Sebastian looked haughty and directed his next observation at Jace when he reappeared at my side, cell phone in hand. I quickly unlocked it after he dropped it in my open palm and my stomach twisted uncomfortably when I saw a handful of missed calls and a message from Jon.

"You said you had a date tonight." Sebastian's tone was full of accusation. It was almost laughable, watching the cogs turn in his brain as he looked between us. Jace gave him a sour smile while I read my brother's most recent text, my eyes skidding across the words on the screen as blood pounded past my temples.

Seb's hammered and now he's MIA. I think he might be coming to your apartment.

He'd sent that thirty minutes beforehand. I quickly typed a message back – it simply read Handling it.

"I did. You just gate-crashed it, pal." Jace told him placidly as I hit send.

Sebastian snorted and looked at me, his face flushed, "You're dating Jace?" his laugh was grim and a little disbelieving, "Seriously, Clary? Out of all the people in New York, you chose him?"

I felt Jace bristle behind me.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"Do you know anything about him, Clary?" Sebastian sat up straight, his icy blue eyes boring into mine. I raised an eyebrow, the nerves kicking in again from the suggestion in his voice.

"If you have a point, you'd better make it." I warned him, my tone piercing and purposeful.

Sebastian ignored me and rounded on Jace, "What game are you playing with her? What's your angle?"

Jace didn't blink or miss a beat when he responded coolly, "Honestly, I could ask you the same question."

Sebastian's eyes tightened ever so slightly, the tops of his cheeks flushing pink, "Don't make this about me."

Fury flared within me again like acid; burning and potent. I let out a short laugh and gave Jace an exacerbated look, throwing my hands in the air.

"Don't make it about him, he says! How do you feel about being an accessory to murder? I'm going to kill him."

Jace grinned and his voice was airy, despite the clear glint of irritation and apprehension in his own eyes, "I could be convinced."

Sebastian shook his head, "I'm serious Clary. He'll eat a little girl like you for breakfast."

I froze. I was so shocked by what he'd said, never mind the venom in his voice, to force out a full sentence; my mouth popped open, and my eyebrows rose sharply.

"Little girl?" was all I managed to push out.

Jace, however, took a sudden step forward, his shoulders drawn back. I watched his smile dissolve into a glare as quickly as it had appeared and saw his hands flex into fists at his side. I quickly snatched a handful of his t-shirt, and thankfully he stopped dead in his tracks under the weight of my touch. His back was tense, straight as an iron rod, but he let out a huff of breath and cast me a quick look out of the corner of his eyes. He gave a small nod and, after a moment's pause, I hesitantly let go.

"I'd like you to leave, Sebastian." I said quietly as Jace slowly stepped back beside me and gritted his teeth, stuffing his hands in to his pockets.

"Not until you listen to me." Sebastian said defiantly, his voice thick with alcohol, "He's only here for one thing." Gone was the dumb drunk we'd seen only a few minutes beforehand. He was coiled like a snake ready to strike in his chair, his eyes narrow slits as he glared at Jace.

I'd never seen him act like this. It was like looking at a stranger.

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Jace said with a quiet shake of his head. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and sneered.

"I don't? I saw you this week, cosied up with that client for hours, flirting, leaving work together every day and hopping straight to the hotel bar. I mean, fair play, dude, she is hot." He said, a cruel smile on his face, "Take it you landed the account? What else did you land, huh?"

Jace balked, shaking his head.

"Where the hell is this coming from? I was doing my job, Sebastian. Don't make this something it isn't."

"Didn't know they paid you to fuck the clients." He spat.

The words hung heavily in the air around us, thick like smog. Jace didn't look at me as I sucked in a sharp breath, and I was glad. I didn't want him to see the look I knew had appeared on my face no matter how much I'd fought it off; it would give away the sudden doubt that was running wildly through my mind. It clawed through my brain like a virus ripping through files on a hard drive.

Was Sebastian right? Was I just another notch on an overcrowded bedpost?

No. Absolutely not. Those kinds of thoughts were exactly what Sebastian wanted. He wanted to make me doubt myself, doubt Jace, so he could seem like the white knight saving me from the promiscuous bad boy. Even if Jace had slept with more women than I could count, he'd have to be playing through the most twisted thrill chase in history to spend so much time with me, to say things that made my blood sing, to let me meet his family... it was ridiculous to even consider it. If it were purely sex he was after, he could have cut ties weeks ago and saved himself a lot of hassle.

But still, the doubt lingered like a bad taste in my mouth even if I didn't quite believe it.

"Listen to yourself, Sebastian." Jace said finally, his voice impressively even, "What's this really about? Why does it bother you so much if Clary is seeing me or not? She's a grown woman, she can make her own decisions. I'm not exactly holding her hostage here."

"Because Clary is my best friend and deserves better than what you'll do to her! You destroy everything you touch, Jace, and you know it." Sebastian hissed, his voice dripping with venom.

"A little on the dramatic side, don't you think?" Jace drawled. Sebastian shook his head, his jaw set, and met Jace's eyes.

"Tell that to your family." He said darkly, his words slow and purposeful.

I watched Jace stagger back involuntarily as the blood drained from his face, looking like he'd been struck. After a moment he recovered his footing, but something hard and ice-cold snapped into place behind his eyes and his fists clenched tightly again at his sides. I looked between them, confused. Clearly there was meaning behind those words, meaning I wasn't aware of. The air around us shifted, electric tension buzzing around the room.

One thing was obvious. A line had been crossed.

"I don't know what you think you know about my family, but that's enough." Jace said eventually, his voice dangerously quiet, "You want to accuse me of fucking with people? You need to look at yourself for a second, Seb. You didn't want Clary, but you don't want anyone else to have her either. You want to keep stringing her along like she's a toy to bring out when you're bored. You can't stand to see her happy if it doesn't involve you, can you? That's what this is really about. Don't delude yourself in to thinking this is anything other than jealousy." His tone was biting, livid.

I looked at the floor, squeezing my phone in my hand. The situation felt like it was quickly spiralling out of control. I should have told Jace to stop, should have pushed Sebastian out right there and then, but I couldn't speak let alone move. A lump formed in my throat as I turned over Jace's words. It was hard to hear him say the truth about my relationship with Sebastian out loud; every word felt like a punch to the gut.

Jace continued unapologetically, plenty of wind left in the sails of his anger. He was practically vibrating at my side, looking the very picture of an avenging angel with fire coursing under his skin and behind his eyes.

"When did you turn in to this person, Seb? You can say whatever the hell you want about me, but you need to realise that the only person you're really hurting here is Clary. If you can't see what you're doing to her or respect her enough to listen when she tells you she doesn't want to see you, then you were never really her friend in the first place."

"You don't know anything about us." Sebastian gritted his teeth, his fists balled in his lap. Jace folded his arms and planted his feet firmly.

"I know plenty. I'm not exactly a stranger to Clary at this point, Seb. How's your wife, by the way? Does she know you're here?"

And there it was. The bullseye.

Jace had loosed his arrow, and it hit the mark with devastating accuracy. I closed my eyes, exhaling a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding. Sebastian blinked, long and hard, looking immediately more sober than he had since he'd arrived.

"Jace." I managed to force out a quiet caution, but it was drowned out.

"Don't bring Lucy into this. She's got nothing to do with it." Sebastian growled as he rose unsteadily from his chair and glared at Jace. They squared up to one another, seeming to forget I was even in the room. Jace laughed without any trace of humour.

"And my family does? You involved Lucy the second you showed up, Seb. What did you think was going to happen if you came here? What were you hoping for tonight, huh?" Jace stood his ground, his face set. It didn't take a genius to understand his meaning.

"Jace, please." I told him with a tremble in my voice. I took his hand with a small pull and he finally looked at me, eyes blazing.

"No. This needs to stop, Clary. It needs to stop now." He told me, his eyes softening for just a moment before he rounded on Sebastian again with a pointed finger, "You need to realise how damaging all of this is, Seb. You're hurting people. If you give a shit about Lucy, Clary or even me at all, you'll stop whatever this is right now while we all have some damn dignity left."

"I haven't done any-"

I'd heard enough. Stood quietly for too long. Been played with more than I deserved. It was time to put an end to it, once and for all.

"Don't you dare say you haven't done anything wrong." I interrupted flatly; I had no control over the hot, frustrated tears that suddenly spilled down my cheeks. I couldn't meet Sebastian's eyes for fear that I'd lose my nerve, but I clung to Jace's hand, still in mine, with a vice grip, "Jace is right. This needs to stop. We need to just stop, Sebastian. This whole messed up friendship needs to end. It's not good for anyone anymore."

Sebastian's already pale face grew stark white. The comparison to his dark hair and shadowed eyes made him look gaunt.

"Wait, Clary," he said slowly, "You said we could talk about this."

"Well I don't want to talk about it anymore, Sebastian!" I cried, every emotion I'd ever felt for him – good and bad – surged to the surface, reaching boiling point, "I think we've all said enough, don't you?" my hands trembled, and Jace gripped tighter.

"I'm tired, Seb." I continued, "Maybe if you'd just listened to me when I asked for some time this would be different, but you can't even do that for me. You only ever think about yourself. Even my brother asked you to stay away and you couldn't listen to him either! You said I deserve better than Jace, but I think I deserve better than you. I don't want to be this person. I don't want anything from you anymore. What I want is for you to go home, sober up and appreciate your wife." I swallowed hard and furiously wiped the tears away from my face before I continued on quietly, my cheeks flush and my heart beating so hard I was scared it might knock a hole right through my chest.

"I like Jace, Sebastian, no matter what crap you say about him, and I want you to really listen to me when I tell you this one last time. I do not want to speak to you anymore. I don't want you showing up here, and I don't want you to call when you're feeling lonely. We're done. It's over." I finished with a rattling breath.

We all stood silently for a long time, letting my mind reel. I couldn't believe I'd finally said it. At one point in my life, I never thought I'd even think those words, let alone say them out loud. I couldn't do anything to stop the tears at that point, they flowed freely down my face and fell from my chin, and no amount of wiping my eyes would keep them at bay.

"Clary," Sebastian said after some time, his voice rough, "It doesn't have to be like this."

"It does. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to." I told him. He took a step towards me, but I stopped him in his tracks with my hand against his chest, keeping him at arm's length. The irony wasn't lost on me; he'd kept me that way for years.

"Please, Clary. You're my best friend." He whispered, his face drawn, "I love you."

I physically felt what little remained of our fragile relationship shatter into glittering, glassy shards all around me as the words left his mouth. I remembered what he'd told me at the wedding, the words that had haunted me for weeks; he loved me, but he loved Lucy more. My chest grew tighter still, my breath stale in my lungs, until finally I forced myself to look him in the eyes, my own face hot and damp as I drew in a rough breath.

"I deserve better than what that love means. Keep it."

I let go of his shirt, my fingers lingering for only a second before I dropped them and backed away.

For a moment, the only sound in the room was silence until a familiar voice spoke softly from the doorway.

"I think it's time to leave, Sebastian."

Three sets of eyes cut across the room in perfect unison to where Jon stood rigidly in the frame, his face set in a deep scowl. I saw Sebastian wince at the ice in his tone; he at least had the good grace to look ashamed. After a long moment he nodded slowly and looked at me again, but I turned away with my arms wrapped tightly around my shaking body. I couldn't breathe when I looked at him, and I couldn't control the ripples of emotion that threatened to consume me.

I felt it when Jace stepped closer, even before he touched me, like a small burst of static anticipation on the back of my neck. He wrapped his arms around me too, silently helping me hold myself together. I breathed deeply and leaned into his body. It felt safe, in his arms, like I could finally breathe fresh air after being underwater without an oxygen tank. His presence didn't stop the overwhelming sense of mourning I felt over the irreparable damage to mine and Sebastian's friendship, but it did make it more bearable.

He dipped his head ever so slightly, so his lips grazed my temple.

"You're okay." He whispered softly.

"Jon-" Sebastian started, but my brother held up a single slender finger and he closed his mouth again tightly.

"I don't want to hear it." Jonathan bit, stepping to the side as he held his arm out in the direction of the hallway. Sebastian's face was grim as he walked towards the door with the energy of a man being led to the gallows. He paused as he crossed through the frame and gave me one last look over his shoulder.

I knew it was a mistake to meet his eyes, but I did it anyway, like a glutton for punishment. A tear dripped on to Jace's hand, and he held me tighter.

"I'm sorry, Clary." He said soberly, genuinely. I felt my throat start to close up again and panic flare inside my lungs. Had I made a huge mistake, saying all those things?

I knew the answer was no, but in that moment I didn't see him as the adult he was, and my judgement grew hazy. Instead, I saw the shy, dark haired gangly kid who'd held my hand when we crossed the street; who'd played tag with me for hours on balmy weekend afternoons; who'd kissed me on that damn piece of driftwood all those years ago and told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I saw that kid, getting ready to leave one last time, and my heart faltered, shrinking in my chest. Even though I'd been the one to call time and I knew it was absolutely the right decision for everyone, part of me wished we could live as those kids forever. Honestly, it felt like maybe part of me always would, and I knew that was part of the problem. We weren't those people anymore.

My lip began to tremble.

When Sebastian finally disappeared around the doorframe, I felt the loss of him like a living, breathing thing but most of all I felt a trembling sense of relief. I bit my lip hard, but a small whimper caught in my throat all the same.

Jon lingered in the doorway after he was gone; the anger that had hardened on his face a moment beforehand began to melt away, replaced with worry as our eyes met. I knew from looking at him that he'd heard enough to understand what was going on.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked me gently. Truthfully, even if I'd been able to find my voice I didn't know where to start with answering that question. How could I tell him that I felt like my heart had just shattered in to a million pieces? That I couldn't remember how to breathe properly? That even though I was miserable, I was happy Sebastian was gone and that was the thing that upset me the most?

I settled with a nod. Jon studied my face carefully before his eyes slid to Jace, still solid and present behind me. I focussed on his warmth, on the gentle rise and fall of his chest and let my eyes flutter closed.

"Jace, right?" Jon's voice was quiet.

I felt Jace nod, "Jonathan?"

There was a short pause before Jon spoke again.

"Look after my sister, okay?"

Jace's voice was velvet in my ear, "I've got her."

My lip quivered harder at the absolute sincerity in his voice, and I opened my eyes once more. Jon watched us carefully, his face unreadable, before he nodded silently and stepped out of the apartment.

The soft click of the latch was all it took for what was left of years' worth of patchwork bandages I'd wrapped around myself to unravel.

I hadn't expected it to come over me so quickly or with so much force, but my silent tears turned in to sobs; ragged, ugly and gasping sounds that shook my entire body and left my legs feeling weak. The adrenaline left over from the fight quickly burned away, leaving only a sense of sadness and relief so overwhelming that it threatened to consume me. My head fell into my hands and the tears ran through the cracks between my fingers, dripping on to the floor where I stood.

I sobbed for what I'd lost. I sobbed for what had never been. I sobbed for what could finally come once the gaping wounds Sebastian kept leaving in his chaotic wake had time to heal. All the while, Jace held on to me tightly, his face buried in the crook of my neck, and he let me cry until I was too exhausted to cry anymore. When my sobs had slowed to hiccups and sniffs and I started to sag, exhausted, in his arms, he scooped me up and cradled me against his chest as he carried me to the bedroom. He closed the door behind us and flipped off the lights.

We didn't speak as he collected my pyjamas from my dresser, or when he bent in front of me at the edge of the bed so he could gently wipe my tearstained face with his thumb. He didn't ask if I wanted to talk about the things that had been said during the argument, nor did he give any impression he was ready to talk about what Sebastian had said about him or his family, either. The silence felt substantial, but right.

He slipped off my sneakers and lined them up neatly at the end of the bed, then hesitated with his fingertips at the hem of my yoga pants. He looked at me, waiting, and I nodded once to let him know it was okay. He slowly rolled them down my still shaking legs, his mouth kissing a gentle trail along my thigh and over my knee. It wasn't something he did out of desire, although my skin turned to gooseflesh beneath his lips. It was comfort, distraction; he wanted to help, and it did. Once he'd pulled them off, he dropped them on the floor in a small heap and eased my pyjama shorts up over my underwear. His hands were soft and warm on my skin when he moved on to lift my sweater over my head and unhook my bra. His eyes never left mine as he eased the straps down my arms and reached for my old t-shirt, despite my naked chest.

Not even an hour beforehand we'd been in almost the exact same position, but it felt entirely different now. It wasn't something as simple as lust or need I felt for him anymore. I still needed him, but not in the same way. I needed him to remind me that I would be okay and that there was something better. That he could be something better. I imagined this was how an addict felt when they needed a hit. It was overwhelming and terrifying how much I needed him just to be present and mine in that moment.

I knew we had to talk about what had happened, but the timing wasn't right. The idea of talking about it made panic rise all over again. I wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't want to stick around, but I hoped more than anything he would.

When I was dressed, he stood up silently and kicked off his own shoes, pulling himself away. I kneeled on the edge of the bed and reached out to him with shaking hands in the darkness, my chest tightening more with every second he wasn't next to me, touching me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and breathed him in with shuddering breaths, my cheek resting against his stomach and my eyes closed as his hands gently stroked my hair.

Eventually he stepped away from my embrace and took my hand in his instead. He climbed on to the bed beside me and coaxed me beneath the covers, then he finally laid next to me, fully clothed, and pulled me in to his arms. He held me tightly once again, keeping me together, and whispered stories about a sad young boy that I wouldn't quite remember into my hair until I fell into an exhausted sleep.

A/N Well, that one took a bit of coaxing but I got it written in the end! Middle fingers in the air to the Sebastard! I have to thank a lovely reviewer, Sophia, for that nickname. Honestly, it's had me giggling since I read it and now I can't think of his name as anything else :)

I hope you enjoyed this very angsty chapter, and I really hope I did Clary justice. One of the things I found difficult to put across in a way I was happy with in this chapter was her conflict, hence the delay in publishing.

Finally, I've had a fair amount of people say in DM's and reviews that they'd like to see more of the... shall we say, steamy scenes? I'm happy to write them, they won't be full on descriptions by any standard (that's just not my style), more the emotional side of the deed, but is that something many people actually want? I'd need to bump up the rating to M, so just want to see what your thoughts are.

Let me know in the reviews or pop me a message!

As always, thanks for reading, reviews are great, and stay safe! 'Till next time :) G x