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Chapter 15: Hello Darkness My Old Friend
The first day of the tourney dawned bright and clear; a perfect summers day with a cooling breeze coming off of Blackwater Bay. The chivalry and nobility of the kingdom had arrived in all their glory for the Tourney of the Hand, with houses from across the land competing. Even Lord Stanis had arrived from Dragonstone, though he had avoided speaking with Eddard and the king thus far, keeping his distance and speaking with Lord Baelish, Lysa Arryan, and his younger brother, Renly.
Still, it was not a day for politicking, and Eddard hoped it would be a joyous one. And prayed Robb would be safe.
"Lord Tyrell, allow me to introduce my children," Eddard said, bowing to Mace Tyrell of Highgarden. "This is my heir, Robb. He shall be riding in the tourney."
"Ah! He'll be riding against my Loras, then!" the wide Lord of Highgarden laughed, slapping his youngest son of the back. "He looks a strong lad, I'm certain they'll meet in the finals!"
"Mayhaps," Eddard agreed neutrally. Loras was a boy of only 16, but had a reputation as a tourney knight already. Privately, Eddard hoped that Robb went up against Sandor Clegaine, who Eddard at least trusted to eliminate his son quickly and efficiently. "These are my daughters-" Eddard paused, and Yunyun gave him a nervous smile. Megumin, however, was nowhere to be seen. "-my eldest daughter, Yunyun."
"Ah, I'm afraid my Margaery had to remain in her chambers this morning. Something about a cold I think," Mace said, stroking his beard and frowning. "What of your other daughter, the Prince's betrothed?"
"She is probably with his highness," Eddard said, praying to goddesses old and new that they were not causing too much mayhem. He turned to Cecily, and gave the scepta a glare and mouthed, 'Find them.'
Cecily looked around, realized that one of her charges was missing, and flushed and hurried off, clutching at her skirts.
Steeling himself, Eddard turned to greet their next guests. "Lady Olenna. It is a pleasure to-"
"Oh spare me the pleasantries, Stark," Olenna Tyrell grumbled. She was a shrunken, older woman with a cane, and her disposition seemed even more thorny than rumored. "Bad enough you had to haul my old bones out here for this silliness. We both know you and I hate tourneys. Why are they even bothering with this nonsense?"
"His Grace insisted," Eddard replied neutrally. "And my own son shall ride in the Tournament."
"Will he? Stupid boy. Good way to get himself killed. Well, I'll say a prayer for him, if the damned goddesses are even listening anymore," Olenna said, pushing past Eddard. "Cersei! There you are. I know you've a bottle of wine somewhere, woman. Give it over. Mace took mine before we left our chambers."
"Mother!" Mace Tyrell gasped.
"Enough, boy. I'm not sitting through this farce sober. Well? Do you have it Cersei, or I am going to have to ask your husband?"
"I...shall see if we can obtain a glass for you, Lady Tyrell," Cersei said, looking startled.
"Don't bother with a glass: only a skin or a bottle will do for me," Olenna declared, and shuffled over to her place. Apparently, the Queen of Thorns had gotten cantankerous in her old age.
As the Tyrell's had been the last of the great lords to arrive, Eddard took a seat, as the opening ceremony of the tourney was soon to begin.
"Well if the woman wants a drink, bloody well give her one!" Robert roared at a wincing Rain Lannister. "What's your name, girl?"
"R-Rain, your Grace, I-"
"Rain? Rain!? Who named you, some sort of slow witted weather maester? Now go fetch me and Lady Olenna some damned drink, girl!"
Tears in her eyes, Rain ran off, and Eddard grimaced. "There's no need to bully the child so, your Grace."
"I'm surrounded by smirking Lannisters and sour Starks," Robert grumbled. "One tells me what I can't do, and the other tells me what I should!"
Eddard looked to Cersei, who's mouth had formed a thin line of irritation. "If my lord husband wishes for our son to participate with the peasantry in the archery contest, far be it from me to forbid it. Even if my husband won't even fight in the melee any longer."
Robert rounded on Cersei, his face flushed in anger.
"I-I'm just so glad we're all here together, t-to watch the Tourney!" Yunyun stammered, inserting herself between the quarreling royals. "C-Cersei, who do you intend to give your favor to? A-and R-Robert, w-who do you think will win the joust?" The girl was wringing her hands nervously and looked half terrified, but both the king and queen started, and looked slightly ashamed.
"My brother shall wear my favor, as is proper," Cersei managed, turning away from her husband.
"He won't take this joust," Robert snorted, but then softened his tone. "I don't think your brother likely to either, Yunyun. The Mountain is riding in the lists today. And I don't think anyone, even someone as skilled as Ser Jamie, is likely to overcome him."
Eddard let out a sigh of relief and relaxed slightly, until he felt a trembling hand on his shoulder, and heard a panicked hiss of, "Boss!"
Heart thundering, Eddard spun to face Cecily, who was pale and breathing raggedly. What had happened to his daughter?
"Boss….We are in so much trouble…" Cecily groaned. Then stepped aside so that Eddard could see his daughter Megumin, sitting in her seat with the prince. At first he calmed.
Then he saw their companion, and Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Hand of the King, nearly fainted.
Earlier that morning, Kazuma and Megumin were preparing for the tournament. Not with any last minute archery practice, nor with prayers to the goddesses. Instead, they were practicing posing and introductions.
"BEHOLD! I am Kazuma Baratheon! Foremost archer of the Crimson Demon Clan of Adventurers, and he who shall claim today's prize in honor of my lady, Megumin Stark!"
"Not bad," Megumin said, blushing slightly at the last bit. "But you need to make a cool motion with your hand and not just stand there. A good pose is dynamic, not static."
"Like this?" Kazuma asked, swaying side to side slightly and doing jazz hands as he did so.
"No! That looks lame! You're not a mummer, you're a Crimson Demon!"
"No he's not."
Kazuma and Megumin turned to see a scowling girl who looked to be perhaps a few years their senior. She seemed to be Tyroshi, with hair a vivid blue that could only have come from dye, and an odd bauble in her hair. Her dress, though, was of the Seven Kingdoms, a long blue gown inlaid with pearls and lace in the style of a high ranking Axis Septa. She suddenly broke into a grin, running forward and wrapping both Kazuma and Megumin in a hug.
"Oh my gosh guys, it's been so long! So, turning Kazuma into a Crimson Demon already, eh Megumin? I'm glad you remember! That makes this a lot easier."
Megumin flinched and glared at the girl as she separated, eyeing the flustered Kazuma. She turned back to the girl, but frowned instead of snapping at her. Did she know this girl? She seemed...familiar.
"Who are you?" Kazuma asked, looking equally puzzled.
"Oh come on guys, you remember me, right? I'm your best bud!" the girl cried, planting her hands on her hips. "Seriously? I took the next couple days off just so we could hang out! And you don't even have the decency to remember me?"
"I think...I think I've seen you before," Megumin said slowly, her mind thinking back. She nodded slowly. "Yeah. You visited Winterfell a few times, didn't you? I saw you in the Sept. Didn't you tell me about the hero's sword, Chunchumaru?"
"Right...I think I've seen you before too," Kazuma said slowly. "You talked to me once and gave me a copy of the Axis Scriptures, The Book of Awesome Things That I Totally Did."
"See? We're buds! I knew you guys wouldn't forget me! Oh, but I'm like, incognito and stuff. Call me Mizu!"
"Alright...Mizu," Megumin said, folding her arms over her chest. "But why are you here?"
"Duh, so we can watch the tourney! Oh man, this is gonna be awesome! You're gonna be GREAT tomorrow, Kazuma! And I totally know Darkness is gonna win too."
"Who's Darkness?" Megumin and Kazuma asked at the same time.
Mizu wrinkled her nose, looking back and forth between them. "What, you don't remember? Oh well, I won't spoil it. Oh, before I forget, one more thing." Reaching over, Mizu smacked Megumin upside the back of her head. "STOP PRACTICING EXPLOSIONS INDOORS YOU LITTLE MANIAC! DO YOU WANT TO BLOW YOURSELF UP!?"
The sudden physical violence took Megumin off guard, and before she could react Kazuma was trying to wrestle the new girl to the ground, his fingers pinching her cheeks cruelly. "What did you do that for?!"
"Ow! Ow! Stop it! She's the one who tried to blow up the Red Keep! Do you have any idea how many problems that would cause!? There were six of you here that day, it would have ruined EVERYTHING!" Mizu wailed, tears running down her face.
Kazuma paused and let Mizu go, and turned to look at an embarrassed Megumin. "You what?"
"Um, well, I mean, I didn't actually manage to cause an Explosion," Megumin muttered. Behind her, Chomususke let out a long suffering sigh.
"I know, right? Sheesh. Thanks for getting her to stop, that would have been a real problem. I told your mom, she's very proud," Mizu said to the wolf.
Kazuma and Megumin forgot their own argument, turning to Chomusuke and Mizu, baffled looks on their faces. Chomususke lay down and put her paws over her muzzle, one eye glaring at Mizu.
"What? What?!" Mizu demanded, planting her hands on her hips and glaring down at the wolf, who was currently shrunk to the size of a hound. "I give you a compliment and this is how you react? Sheesh. Is this because we didn't pick you to be one of us? I told you, anyone who lets a little girl bind them as a familiar has no business being a big shot. You should just be glad Holo took you in."
"Who are you talking to?" Megumin asked suspiciously.
"Chomusuke. She thought she should have-" Mizu began, but the wolf bolted up and bowled the Axis Septa over, straddling the woman as she doubled in size. Mizu started to cry, until Chomusuke let out a low growl in her ear, then what Kazuma could have sworn sounded like some actual whispers.
"Oh, fine. Whatever. They'll catch on eventually you know," Mizu muttered, but Chomusuke let her up, and the odd girl dusted herself off. "Look, anyway, no more Explosions indoors. Or in a city. Go somewhere with a wide sightline. I swear, you should have better sense about this, you know what you can do. Now come on! I want to make sure we get good seats."
"We're sitting in the royal box though," Megumin said, frowning at Mizu.
"Sweet! Oh man, do you think Robert will fight in the Melee? He's, like, my favorite champion EVER."
"He hasn't done that in years. He's too fat now," Kazuma said, finding himself falling in beside Mizu as if it were perfectly natural.
"Pfff, I can fix that. One Blessing and he'll be up and at 'em again!" Mizu laughed.
Megumin eyed their new friend sideways. "Aren't you an Axis Septa? What could purifying water do?"
"Huh? No, like a real blessing. Besides, this is his last chance. Bobby B should go out on a high note," Mizu declared.
That got both Kazuma and Megumin to laugh. "Bobby B? Oh man, I'm so calling dad that," Kazuma sniggered. "He always hates all those titles anyway."
They made their way to the royal box, where there appeared to be an extra chair there, with a small name card on it that read "Mizu."
"I'm stealing this one," Mizu said, taking her name off the chair. "This Mizu person will just have to lump it."
Kazuma exchanged a look with Megumin, then both started laughing. "Aren't YOU Mizu?"
"Oh. Um...hey, shut up! I er, look! I am a very busy Arch Priest! I forget things sometimes!"
"What's an Arch Priest?" Megumin asked, frowning. "Aren't you a septa?"
"Oh, yeah. I'm, like, a super important Septa. Oh hey, it's Cecily! Cecily! Long time no see!" Mizu jumped up and wrapped Megumin's tutor in an embrace causing the other woman to go pale and jerk away from Eddard, who was breathing quickly, his face flushed.
"Hey, Ed! I hear you're expecting again! Congrats!" Mizu said, patting the Lord of Winterfell on the shoulder, then moving on. "Yunyun! Good job on all the friends so far! You've come a long way, haven't you? Megumin and Komekko behaving themselves?"
Yunyun looked up from her conversation with the queen, who frowned at the sudden intrusion. However, upon seeing their guest, Cersei's eyes rolled up into her head, and she slumped over.
"I damn well knew I wasn't drunk enough for this," Olenna muttered. "This is your fault, Robert. I knew nothing good would come from having a party boy on the throne."
"Oh my gosh, help!" Yunyun wailed, scrambling to lay Cersei down. "Elevate her legs! She's going into shock! Get a maester, and a Renewal Cultist! What's wrong with the queen?!"
"Hmm," Mizu said, kneeling and running a hand over the Queen's forehead, to the shock of the assembled nobility. "Huh. She just fainted. No problem, I got this."
"What are you-" Yunyun began, but then Mizu just slapped the queen across the face.
"Hey, wake up! Shows about to start, don't you wanna watch?"
Robert jerked up, fury blazing in his eyes, and opened his mouth, but Eddard put a hand on his shoulder and firmly sat the king back down. "She's an experienced healer, Robert. Let her work."
"She just slapped my wife!" Robert thundered, shooting back to his feet. "Selmy! You get your withered old arse over here and-"
"I- I'm fine," Cerei gasped, sitting up with Mizu's help. The queen looked at the smiling ditz, her eyes wide with panic. "M-my lady, what are you-"
"I'm here to watch the Tourney! And um, I'm… Kazuma, what's my name again?"
"Mizu?" Kazuma offered, feeling very baffled and unsure if he should be furious or amused that someone had just slapped his mother awake.
"Right. I'm Mizu the Axis Arch Priest. I mean Arch Septa. And I'm here to watch my best buddy Kazuma compete! And maybe we can get Bobby B to fight too, eh? Come on, you're his wife! You know you want to see your husband kick ass and take names in the melee again!"
Cersei's mouth hung open along with everyone else's for a long moment, until she looked at her husband and swallowed. "Um, well my Lord, It seems I must beg your pardon: clearly, you should fight in the melee."
"Truey?" Robert asked, sounding stunned. Then he bellowed out a laugh. "Well, I have to say, I never thought I'd see anyone who could talk sense into my wife! Ha! I'll do just that! You there, boys, Tyrek, Willem, go and get my armor ready! Haha! Bet you never thought you'd see your king fight again, did you, Ned?"
"No, your Grace," Eddard managed, looking as though he wanted to be getting as drunk as Olenna was managing.
The two Lannister boys looked disappointed, as they'd surely miss the joust, and turned away, but Mizu wasn't done.
"Hey, listen, when you need the breastplate stretcher, go get Rain. She can help you out," Mizu said in a stage whisper.
The two squires nodded, and hurried off, and Mizu sat down next to Kazuma, humming to herself happily.
"Breastplate stretcher?" Kazuma asked. "Really? Come on. I've never been a squire, but even I'm not dumb enough to fall for that."
"Yeah, Theon asked Robb and Jon to look for one, they spent hours until they realized he was making fun of them. That wasn't nice," Yunyun lectured.
"Why don't you have a breastplate stretcher?" Mizu asked, blinking at Yunyun. "What if someone gets too fat for their armor, like Bobby B?"
The king just about choked on his beer, turning to glare at Mizu. His anger faltered when Kazuma and Megumin started cracking up.
"S-sorry dad," Kazuma cackled. "You really are pretty fat."
"Oh man, someone needs to invent a breastplate stretcher," Megumin hooted. "Are you gonna get big and fat like that when you're old, Kazuma?"
That made the prince stop laughing. "What? No! I mean...I don't think so?"
"If he stays a lazy NEET who holes up in his room, he totally will," Mizu said smugly. "He never even liked exercising like Bobby B does."
"I am not a NEET!" Kazuma argued, poking Mizu in the shoulder. "And I get plenty of exercise!"
"Only because of Megumin. She's the only reason you ever do anything!" Mizu snarled, pressing her head against Kazuma's and shoving back at him.
"Ha! I win again!" Megumin bragged.
"Your Grace," Eddard groaned. "Please. Just start the games. Before someone commits an act of blasphemy."
That got the three arguing children, even if one was probably a lot older than the others, to sit down and shut up, causing the Queen and Eddard to let out shuddering sighs of gratitude.
"Bring forth the knights! And get me another beer!" Robert bellowed. He made a sour face, and muttered to himself, "Fat am I? I'll bloody well show them. Think I'm fat, do they? I'll win the whole bloody melee."
"Heck yeah, Bobby B!" Mizu encouraged, giving him a thumbs up, a gesture that would have been ludicrously out of place if certain children hadn't taken to using it. As it was, it only made Olenna roll her eyes.
"You know Ned, I think I like this girl," Robert mused, eyeing Mizu as she excitedly watched the knights and their squires parade past the royal box. "Easy on the eyes she is."
"Robert, if you try to sleep with her, may the goddesses have mercy on your soul," Eddard replied, closing his eyes and trying not to weep.
"You're no fun at all, you know that?" Robert muttered as Olena cackled madly.
"Oh by all means, try my Lord," Cercei snorted. "That would be something I would pay to see."
Robert blinked, then looked at his drinking horn. "Seven Hells, didn't think I'd had that much yet."
As the knights rode past, various ladies stood and offered favors to them. Yunyun and Megumin both gave Robb scarves to tie about his lance, while the queen gave her brother her own favor, though she seemed oddly reluctant to do so. Myrcella, however, had a different idea.
"Mr. The Hound!" she shouted, waving as Sandor rode past. "Come here!"
"What?" he barked, but rode his horse close to the royal box.
Mycella giggled, and had Kazuma help her lean out and tie a scarf to the big man's lance, making him flush. "Kick their butts, Mr. The Hound."
"As my lady wishes," Sandor muttered, jerking his head in bow, and slammed his visor shut to hide a blush as he rode away.
Cersei gave her daughter a disapproving look, but the little princess planted her hands on her hips and stuck her chin out. "Mommy, no one's ever nice to him! Yunyun says we have to be nice to our friends!"
"Plus, he's cool!" Tommen added. "Even if he is scary."
When the Mountain rode out, however, Tommen and Myrcella shouted, "BOOOOOO!"
Their mother looked ready to scold her children, until she noticed that Mizu was standing with the younger royals, shouting derisive comments at Ser Gregor Clegane as well.
"Lord Eddard?" Cersei said, sounding faint.
Eddard, looking rather poleaxed still, managed. "Yes, your Grace?"
"Remind me to tell my father he should find a new bannerman," Cersei gasped.
"What, because the children don't like him?" Robert asked, sounding baffled.
"Yes. Let's go with that," Cersei agreed.
"Good, that guys an asshole," Kazuma commented.
"Boy, the Mountain's a terrifying fighter. He's just the sort of banner man a king WANTS leading the charge," Robert lectured. "Just because you find a man unpleasant doesn't mean there isn't a use for him."
"If the goddesses abandon a man, would any want to associate with him?" Cecily asked from her place at Eddard's side, looking just as lost as her boss.
"Darn right," Mizu agreed. "I've said it before, Ath-"
Cecily suddenly coughed loudly, then shouted. "Oh look, a Mystery Knight! How exciting!"
She pointed to a knight with no tabard or house icon. The knight was tall, over six feet, riding a large warhorse with golden barding. The knight's armor was lacquered in yellow and white, and the helmet had a feathery white plume atop it.
"Oh, oh! Hey! Pssst, Darkness! Come here! I got a favor for you!" Mizu shouted, waving to the knight in question
The knight started, turning to look at the waving woman. "M-me?!" they said, in a surprisingly high pitched voice for such a massive rider.
"Oh, Seven Hells," Olenna groaned, resting her head in her hands. "You didn't."
"Come on, Darkness! You gotta have a favor! All the coolest knights do!" Mizu argued, holding up a pink scarf of her own.
"Um," the knight's voice suddenly changed, becoming much deeper. "Thank you, my lady. I shall wear your favor with pride."
"Awesome! Do me proud, Darkness! I know you can beat 'em all!" Mizu encouraged, giving a double thumbs up.
The knight spoke, voice high pitched again "T-thank you,-" they coughed, then tried again in a basso rumble, "Thank you, my lady. Though I have to ask, how do you know my name?"
"Cause you told me! Hey, Chris! Wait, why are you here? I don't remember putting you here…"
The knight's squire, a boy with Targaryen features who had been trying to hide behind his master's horse, peered out, and waved shyly.
"Ah, whatever. Who cares? Go kick some butt! This is gonna be so much fun!" Mizu declared, and eagerly sat back down. "Hey, where's the drinks? Get me some bubbly, I want the good stuff!"
"I'll get it!" Cecily gasped, then hurried off. She was back in moments, slightly wild eyed. "What's bubbly?"
"Oh right, you don't have that here. I'll have what she's having," Mizu said, pointing to Olenna.
"Right! Um, Highgarden's finest, coming up!" Cecily scampered away, looking more frantic than ever.
"Megumin, what did you do?" Yunyun asked quietly, watching Cecily leave.
"Huh?" Megumin frowned at Yunyun. "Nothing!" Yunyun gave her twin a flat look. "Really! Ask Kazuma!"
"She tried to use her magic inside," Kazuma said quietly. "Mizu came and chewed her out."
"WHAT!?" Yunyun gasped. "How could you! You could have been-MMMPH!"
"Ixnay on the agicmay," Mizu hissed, hand clamped over Yunyun's mouth. "It's not supposed to be out yet! Besides, you haven't managed to do anything more than a little sewing. Hurry it up! We don't know how long you guys have, the others are breathing down my neck!"
Yunyun said something muffled, then shrugged and nodded.
"Good. And yes, we are friends, Yunyun. How many times do I have to tell you? Sheesh." Mizu let the poor girl go.
"Your wine, my lady," Cecily panted, presenting a chilled goblet of wine to Mizu.
"Awesome. Hey, where's yours? Yo, Olenna! Come one, share with my favorite septa here! I know you and Cersei have to have some bottles."
"That septa has to be the most impolite wench I've ever seen," Mace commented, scowling at Mizu. "Even for an Axis Septa. What right does she-"
"Hush, boy. You'll just embarrass yourself again," Olenna snapped, and passed over the bottle to Cecily, who simply chugged it, before passing it to Eddard, who took a long pull himself.
"Dad?" Yunyun asked worriedly.
"Just, ah, nervous about your brother," Eddard said, giving Yunyun a pained smile, and moping at his sweating forehead despite the cooling breeze
"Oh, don't worry, Robb will do great!" Yunyun declared happily.
Soon, servants were bringing a steady supply of alcohol, and Megumin noticed her father imbibing far more than he usually did. Before long a good portion of the royal box was rather inebriated, with everyone cheering loudly for the competitors. Megumin and Kazuma tried to sneak a few drinks, only for Mizu to confiscate theirs.
"You're both too young to start drinking! No wine!" Mizu ordered, then guzzled the drinks and let out a loud belch.
"You're not that much older than we are," Kazuma argued.
That made Cecily dissolve into gales of laugher, nearly falling out of her seat. The queen began to chortle as well, and Eddard managed a nervous giggle or two himself.
"Seven Hells, what has gotten into you lot?" Robert demanded. "How is it that I'm the only bloody one of us that's sober?"
"Experience," Olenna declared, taking another pull from her wineskin. "These lightweights hold their beer no better than a Flea Bottom whore."
"Mother!" Mace cried in a strangled voice, looking like a fish with his mouth flopping open.
His mother rolled her eyes. "Oh, do be quiet, Mace. You're at least half the reason I've come to this state."
"Not been the same since my lord father died," Mace managed, tugging at his tunic sleeves nervously.
"Shhh, it's Robb's turn!" Megumin ordered. She motioned to Chomusuke as Yunyun motioned to Lady. All four she-wolves threw their heads back and howled lustily as Robb rode up to the lists, causing a variety of odd looks to be directed their way.
That didn't last long, as Robb suddenly stood in his stirrups. "BEHOLD! I am Robb Stark, the Young Wolf of the North, and he who shall claim the victors prize this day!"
"YOU GO BIG BRO!" Megumin and Yunyun cheered, which caused Mycrella and Tommen to jump up and down and start chanting "Big Bro, Big Bro!" as the commons went wild at the display.
"Need another pull, boss?" Cecily asked, offering the wine bottle to Eddard.
"I think I need to stay at least partly clear headed for this," Eddard groaned, giving a pained smile to his son.
"Hmmm," Mizu said, eyeing Robb, who was going up against Ser Meryn Trant of the Kingsguard, an experienced tourney knight. "You want him to win, right girls?"
"Of course, he's our Big Bro!" Megumin declared.
Yunyun nodded seriously. "Robb is one of my best friends. Ser Meryn is my friend too, but Robb is my brother; he's family."
"Well, OK. I guess we can cheat a little." Mizu pointed to Robb as he prepared to charge. "Blessing!"
For a brief instant, there was a shimmer above Robb's head, and Megumin thought she could see a glowing blue shape, like that of a water wheel. She gasped, and looked to Kazuma. "Did you see that?"
"See what?" Kazuma asked, but Yunyun was gaping.
She looked to Mizu, frowning. "Are...are you a Fortuna Septa? Or one of the Faith Militant? Isn't it cheating to use those blessings on knights at tourneys?"
"It's cheating to use one of Eris's or Athena's blessings, yeah. But, as I am Aq-"
"A quite talented Septa!" Cecily blurted. "She's um, really talented! Aqua's favorite!"
"Nah, you're my favorite, that's why I keep bringing you back!" Mizu laughed, causing Cecily to blush and look down.
The two knights charged, and Megumin let out a gasp as both lances shattered on the shields of their opponents. Robb managed to keep his seat, but a cursing Ser Meryn tumbled to the ground.
"GO BIG BRO!" Megumin and Yunyun screamed along with Tommen and Myrcella, the byplay between Mizu and Cecily forgotten already.
Next came Ser Jamie Lannister, riding against the mystery knight, Darkness.
"Aww, tough break, Cercei," Mizu laughed. "I don't even need to bless her!"
The queen eyed Mizu, then glanced at her brother, who appeared far more confident then the fumbling Mystery Knight of Darkness, whose squire was having to give a last minute pep talk. "I think my brother has a chance."
Mizu giggled and shook her head. "Nope!"
The two riders charged, and Ser Jamie's lance struck home easily. Indeed, somehow, the mystery knight fumbled their shield, taking the blow full on the breast plate, while their lance only grazed Jamie's shield. Despite the clean hit, The Knight of Darkness seemed positively delighted, though their squire waved at them frantically, clearly outraged at the poor showing.
Looking chagrined despite the full helm, the mystery knight came about, and tilted again against Jamie. And though the queen's brother scored another clean hit, he had no better success. Indeed, he staggered from a much better blow from the mystery knight, who seemed solid as a stone in the saddle. On the next pass, Darkness's lance struck true, and Jamie was launched out of the saddle. He had scored another excellent hit, but it appeared to do nothing but excite the mystery knight.
"Damn fool," Olenna mumbled. "Going to be the death of me."
"Do you know that knight, mother?" Mace asked, frowning. "I don't think I've seen them before."
"Well, then you're even blinder than my husband was when he rode off that cliff. More wine!" Olenna ordered.
To Megumin's delight, Robb seemed unstoppable that day. He tilted against several formidable knights, including Loras Tyrell and Aron Santagar, the Arms Master of the Red Keep, defeating them both easily after a single tilt.
"KICK HIM THE BALLS, BIG BRO!" Tommen bellowed to Robb before he faced Santagar, making the King nearly choke on his beer, while the queen merely let out a long suffering sigh.
"That's not how jousts work, Tommen," Cersei said, pulling her son back down as his nursemaids fluttered about in shock.
"Oh. Um, Big Bro, how do you win jousts?" Tommen asked, turning to Kazuma.
"Easy, get Sandor to do them for you," Kazuma advised. Tommen nodded seriously, while Robert looked at Kazuma incredulously.
"Don't you want to joust in a tourney, boy?"
"Heck no. I'm gonna be a champion archer, just you watch," Kazuma said, giving his father a wink.
"At least he's taken up a martial pursuit? You were never much of a jouster either, Robert," Eddard pointed out.
"Of course not. Can't very well smash someone's head in during a joust or archery," Robert grumbled, but let the matter drop.
As for Mizu's favored knight, they defeated both Renly Baratheon, and Ser Barristan Selmy, much to Megumin's disappointment.
"We're rooting for Robb, remember?" Yunyun told her sister.
"Yeah, but… but he's just so cool," Megumin sighed. "I guess a mystery knight is pretty cool too. But I really wanted to see Barristan the Bold win a tourney! Or at least lose to Robb."
The semi-finals came down to the Clegane brothers, Robb, and the Mystery Knight. Sandor and the Knight of Darkness were up first, and competed in several fierce tilts. On the third pass, both were unhorsed, and scrambled to their feet, going at it with swords. Sandor seemed dazed from his fall, however, and after two harsh blows, he was knocked flat on his back, and yielded to Darkness, who seemed disappointed, but good naturedly offered him a hand.
"You're a fool, you know, you and that boy," Sandor growled as he was let up. "My brother will kill for that purse."
"Really?" the mystery knight asked.
"He'll come after you, and beat you bloody," Sandor warned.
"You… you think so!?" the other knight demanded, sounding positively eager.
That made Sandor flinch back. "Bloody maniac." He stumbled from the field with the help of his squire, leaving the Mystery Knight to walk away with his silent squire, who glanced nervously at Mizu.
Mizu, however, was busy puking over the back of the royal box, having managed to put away fully a dozen bottles of wine over the course of the day. Cecily was rubbing her back, looking nervous. Megumin wrinkled her nose, then sniffed the air. She turned, just in time to see a sparkling rainbow erupt from Mizu's mouth as a panicked Cecily tried to use her head scarf to hide it.
"Kazuma, Yunyun, do you see that?" Megumin asked.
"Yeah, Robb's screwed," Kazuma sighed, and Yunyun let out a whimper.
Megumin spun to see Ser Gregor Clegaine, brother of Sandor Clegane, ride out onto the tourney grounds. The Mountain was a literal giant, nearly eight feet tall, larger even than his brother by over a foot. Robb was not a small man, but compared to Gregor, he looked to be a child.
"Y-you can do it, Big Bro!" Yunyun called nervously.
Robb lowered his visor, and gamely raised his lance and shield. He and Gregor thundered down the lists, and Robb was nearly flung from his saddle as Gregor's lance shattered against his shield, but somehow, he managed to stay in his seat.
"Sorry," Mizu muttered, taking a seat again. "Last one's just about wore off. Blessing!"
Once more, Megumin saw the seven spoked water wheel appear about Robb's head, then fade in a shower of blue sparks. "Ok, you saw that, right Kazuma?" she demanded.
"Yeah, your brother should just yield. Gregor's killed people in jousts before," Kazuma said quietly.
"Not that!" Megumin hissed, but then, Robb was tilting again. This time, Gregor's mount suddenly shied as Robb's lance impacted Gregor's shield, causing Gregor's aim to be thrown off. Gregor roared in anger as he tumbled from the saddle. In a fury, he drew his sword, turning to his own beast.
"Ser!" Robb called, turning his mount and riding around to Gregor's side. "There is no need to-"
With a bellow, Gregor reached out and dragged Robb from the saddle with one hand, flinging him to the ground. He raised his sword, and Megumin found herself screaming in panic. Yunyun's eyes began to glow, and she raised a hand.
"LIGHT OF-"
"No," Mizu said, pulling Yunyun's hand down. "Darkness has this."
From the sidelines, the Mystery Knight charged on foot, moving almost faster than the eye could see as they bellowed, "INTERCEPT!"
They came to a halt, right in the path of Gregor's blow, and the crowd roared in anger. Megumin thought she was about to see the poor knight cut in half, but to her astonishment, there was a sound like that of a bell being struck, and Gregor staggered back, his sword rebounding from the mystery knight's armor.
"SEIZE THAT MAN!" Eddard was bellowing, drawing his sword and leaping out of the royal box as Stark men-at-arms raced to stop the fight.
Gregor was heedless to the Hand's commands, backhanding one guard and thrusting his blade at the mystery knight again with a roar. Instead of raising a blade, Darkness simply opened their arms wide, and once more the crowd gasped in horror. Somehow, instead of skewering the brave knight, Gregor's sword shattered on the armor. He looked at his broken blade in astonishment, and even Eddard Stark paused, unable to believe his eyes.
"Oh, stop standing there and finish it before someone else gets hurt, you fool!" Olenna called.
"Yes, ma'am!" the mystery knight squeaked, and swung a fist at Gregor, and clumsily hitting his chest.
The Mountain went flying back, crashing through the barrier between the lists and tumbling across the churned ground in a clatter of metal, before slamming into one of the boxes in a crunch of wood. Sandor was the first to reach his brother, hauling the dazed man out of the wreckage non-to-gently.
"Arrest him!" Eddard barked, pointing his sword at the fallen Mountain. "Take that man to the dungeons! He attempted to slay my son!"
"It will be my pleasure," Sandor said with a vile grin and evil laugh. "You've done it now, you fool. There's no coming back from this one: all have seen your crimes."
Gregor, however, was only able to spit blood and teeth, moaning and coughing as he was clapped in irons and hauled away.
With that, Eddard turned to Robb, who was helped to his feet by Darkness.
"Um, well, I guess now we face one another?" they strange knight said, their voice once more a deeper tone.
"No," Robb said, removing his helm. "I yield, sir. You saved my life. Gregor would have split me in half. How you survived, I do not know."
"You have my thanks," Eddard said, clapping the knight on the shoulder, tears in his eyes. "My son… whatever you need, Ser, you shall have. I would offer you a holdfast on my own lands for saving my son's life this day."
"T-that's very kind, but, um, well, I really think we should tilt-"
"Oh, give it over you fool, you're in for it now!" Olenna called.
The mystery knight stiffened, then bowed. "T-thank you, Lord Stark. I must decline your gracious offer: the honor of saving a, um, fellow knight is enough."
"May I know the face of the man who saved my son?" Eddard asked earnestly. "Your fame should be spread throughout the Seven Kingdoms."
"What?!" the mystery knight squawked, voice breaking. "I mean, no, my lord, I must remain-"
"Oh, come now!" Robert said, coming to the railing of the royal box. "Your king commands it! Remove your helm, ser, and name your Queen of Love and Beauty! No maid could deny a man so valorous this day!"
The Mystery Knight backed away nervously, and behind them their squire hurried out with a horse, looking panicked.
"I, I, I cannot, I-"
"Just do it, you fool!" Olenna ordered. "I warned you, but you wouldn't listen! Now you have to face the consequences!"
After another moment's hesitation, the Knight of Darkness looked to their squire, who sighed.
"May as well, I don't think even I could get out of this," the squire said in what was unmistakably the voice of a young maiden, causing Eddard and Robb to start in surprise.
Slowly, the knight reached up, and removed their helm. Instead of a grizzled man, or even a smooth cheeked youth, they revealed the blushing face of a maiden with pale skin, soft brown eyes, and long curling brown hair that was messy with sweat.
"Margaery?!" Mace Tyrell gasped, jerking up in his seat.
"I KNEW IT!" Megumin bellowed, jumping up on the railing. "HA! YOU ARE ALL LIARS! A WOMAN CAN BE A KNIGHT! SHE BESTED YOU ALL!"
"G-greetings, father," Margaery Tyrell managed, wincing slightly as she bowed. "R-really though, I-I'd prefer it if you call me Darkness."
"Fool of a girl never did like her own name, even if I didn't let you name her Lalatina," Olenna grumbled.
"I-I guess, um, I guess I name, um, my Grandmother, Olenna Tyrell, as Queen of Love and Beauty?" Margaery stammered.
"This is madness!" Robert bellowed, whirling and pointing an accusing finger at the Tyrells. "You can't have a bloody woman win the joust! What is the meaning of this, Lord Tyrell?!"
"Um, well, I guess that means I'm disqualified, doesn't it?" Margaery sighed. She gave Robb a nervous smile. "Well, I do not regret my choices. Congratulations on winning your father's tourney, Lord Robb."
"What? No!" Robb spun. "Your Grace, this, um, brave knight, defeated all challengers, and saved my life! Surely, she is a worthy champion!"
The king slowly turned to Robb, his face a mask of anger and confusion.
"Your Grace, Lady Tyrell saved my son's life," Eddard said, feeling a mixture of gratitude, confusion, and existential dread. "As this tourney was held in my honor, I would name her champion. She is worthy."
"Yeah dad, this is totally your chance to strike a blow for gender equality!" Kazuma agreed loudly, making Megumin hop down from her perch and grin at him.
"Goddesses be good," Robert grumbled.
"I'm cool with it!" Mizu piped up, making Cecily let out a strangled sob.
"Very well! I give you, Lady Margaery Tyrell, champion of the Tourney of the Hand!" Robert declared, though he still seemed reluctant. There was scattered applause and cheers, as if even the commons didn't know what to do.
"Hmph. Lame," Mizu muttered. "Greater Blessing."
Suddenly, the sky seemed to tear open, and a great glowing seven spoked waterwheel appeared in the sky above Darkness, causing the crowds to cry out in shock.
"She is chosen by Lady Aqua!" someone shouted, and soon the commons were cheering raucously for their beloved goddess and her newest champion. Few noticed Margaery's squire glare at Mizu, looking peevish at the blatant display of power.
"Are you…?" Megumin asked, frowning at Mizu.
"Am I what?" Mizu asked, giving Megumin a vacuous smile.
"Nevermind," Megumin said, shaking her head.
There was no way this blue bimbo was really a goddess.
Cast of Characters:
Mizu as; Who do you think?
Chris the Thief as; Hol' up, does that mean Eris is here too?
Chomusuke as; Rejected by the New Goddesses. But she's still a good pupper.
Darkness as; Margaery Tyrell
Olenna Tyrell as; So done with this shit
Mace Tyrell as; Derp
And the Cast of A Song of Ice and Fire as progressively minded supporters of Gender Equality