In case you aren't aware, I started a new job which includes incredibly tight deadlines. I can write on free occasions, but right now that is only available on the weekends. Chapters will get written when I have the time to do so :)
Hereafter
Chapter 31.
July 4th, 2019.
Bella.
No matter how long I'll suffer with it, I don't think I'd ever get to grips with the idea of mental illnesses and all of the various aspects it brings into the my daily routine. Some days I'll wake up feeling like I'm on the top of the world, but within an hour I could be back in my bed, crying my eyes out, and with no idea what is going on inside my head. It is a constant rollercoaster with no means of getting off the road anytime soon.
It had been two days since my incident in the park, and everything had gone surprisingly well since then - I've had a few phone appointments with Angela and we have planned a time for her to come to the house, but I haven't managed to make it out of the house for my daily walk with Luna. I'd felt strong enough in my body, yet I feared what could have happened once I had left the door. Jacob had flown back to New York yesterday to celebrate the day with his dad, but that was fine with me.
According to everyone around me, it was going to take some time before I could feel safe again in my own surroundings. This evening was going to be my first proper test since James had been arrested.
It was the 4th of July; the day of celebrating America's independence with parades, food and, of course, fireworks. I have overheard the occasional firework in the past year, but nothing to the extent of what I was going to hear this evening. There are so many different parts to a firework, from the bright lights and the bangs, to name a couple. I also feared what it could do to Luna - could she still do her job properly with that distraction outside the window? I had so many questions, but I wouldn't receive an answer until the moment arrived.
Forks has annual celebrations which Charlie had been asked to attend, but he made a compromise with them - if he worked the parade then he would sit out of the fireworks so that he could stay home with me. Edward had offered to stay with me for both occasions, but Charlie said that he'd feel more at ease knowing that I was safe.
They had purchased me a pair of noise-cancelling headphones to block out the bangs, but there wasn't a lot they could do for the windows. An idea had been spread around that maybe I could fall asleep before the fireworks were supposed to start, but I can't fall asleep on command, so we'd need to wait until later for that one.
Edward arrived at the house shortly after eleven o'clock. His hands were loaded with carrier bags from the supermarket and a bottle of Sprite had been tucked underneath one arm.
"Hey, love," he sent me a sweet smile when he noticed me in the kitchen. "How are you today?"
"Good," I replied silently.
Edward continued to put away all the groceries and gave Luna a caring brush between her ears when she went to investigate the products. "I don't know if any of this is for you, pup," he joked.
"What did you buy?" I asked as I made my way over towards him delicately. My legs had become ever so slightly weaker over the last couple of days. Angela couldn't give me an exact answer for that, but she suspects it may be a mental thing - my legs are perfectly fine and strong enough to carry me around the house, but because I couldn't go on my daily walks my head had made me feel as though I had lost strength.
Again, that is all just another issue I have on a daily basis.
"I bought some burgers, hot dogs, buns…" Edward listed off a load of items as he pulled each one from the bag. I had noticed the amount that he bought, but I didn't want to say that he may have bought too much for two and half people. "But don't worry, love, I also got you some strawberries and watermelon."
"Thank you."
Watermelon was my new addiction. Charlie couldn't find any strawberries in the store the other day, but he did find a giant, fresh watermelon which I had been picking on ever since. Apart from the diet plan I had been set, I increased my calorie intake by consuming an awful lot of strawberry/melon salad and Swedish Fish. Of course.
"I also have a surprise for you," Edward winked.
Usually a surprise would've caused me fear, but I knew Edward well enough to know that he'd never do anything to harm me, and all of his surprises came from the heart. James' surprises came from a different area of his body.
"First off," he reached into the final bag and brought out a multipack of cans. His movements were too quick for me to catch which drink he had bought. "I know you're getting sick of water, but I didn't want to break the rules too much, so I thought you could have the next best thing."
I watched in confusion as Edward handed out the cans for me to get a better look. "La Croix?" I asked. I couldn't remember the last time I'd ever had La Croix.
"It's passionfruit flavor, is that okay?"
"Absolutely!" I grinned.
"I didn't know which flavor to go for, and obviously apple is big no-no, but I thought you might enjoy something with slightly more flavor and texture."
This is one of the many reasons why I love this man so much - not in the 'madly in love' sense, but you get what I mean. He had been in charge of getting drinks for himself and Charlie, but he also thought about my needs too. I even had water on Christmas Day, so he knew I wanted something different. It was a day for many to celebrate our country, and even if I didn't feel up to celebrating with them, I still wanted to make it slightly special.
"Thank you," I prayed that he didn't see the tears that rimmed my eyes. Crying over a can of damn La Croix is something I doubt he's seen before.
"I have one more surprise for you…"
"Two multipacks?" My question was serious, and the only thing I could think of at that moment. Twelve cans of La Croix would last me a long time, and I didn't want to go back to water so quickly.
Edward let out a gentle laugh. "No, I'm sorry it's not more cans, but I think you might enjoy this a bit more."
A bit more?
His cryptic comments made no sense to me.
"Why don't we go and sit down and I can explain it all to you."
With a frown practically tattooed between my brows, I took Edward's hand and followed him through to the living room. Luna plodded behind us and curled up at my feet when I had sat down.
"Hey, Edward," Charlie called from the stairs. "You been to the store?"
I paid zero attention to their conversation, manly because I was racking my brain for what Edward's second surprise could have been. It was something that I was going to enjoy more than a drink, and I knew that he had already bought me strawberries and watermelon… so what else was I needing or wanting?
"Bells," Charlie broke me from my internal pondering. He had changed into his cop uniform which told me that it wouldn't be long before he had to leave for the parade. It surprised me that the parade had continued on for this long. I used to watch it every year with friends, or just Charlie, but it had definitely aged over time. We tried to make it as close to the Macy's Thanksgiving parade as possible, but so far it hasn't hit that level.
"Hi," I smiled up at my father.
Charlie collapsed down onto the other side of the couch and stretched out his arms as a sigh blew from his mouth. "You all good for the food later?" he asked.
"Sure," I shrugged. "I'll… see how I feel."
Because of my fear foods, Charlie and Edward had made a promise that we wouldn't have bread in this house, or apples, until I was comfortable enough. I didn't have to eat them, but even just a loaf of bread sitting on the countertop could've been enough to throw the flashbacks in my face, and they didn't want to take that risk. But today I knew they wanted to have burgers and hot dogs when Charlie set up the grill, and I didn't want to be the person that made them eat that without the correct buns accompanying it.
"That's all I ask, honey," Charlie leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on my forehead. "Now, I believe Edward said he had a surprise?"
I nodded my head. Charlie's moustache lifted up on one side as he grinned. Of course the two of them had been conjuring up a plan behind my back. The biggest surprise would've been if Charlie had no idea what Edward had organized.
"We didn't want to tell you before hand, especially seeing how you've been feeling recently, so we thought it was best we told you now."
Told me now?
Told me what now?
As soon as Charlie had spoken those words, Edward walked through the front door. I hadn't even noticed he had left the room when Charlie sat down beside me. How the hell had he managed to leave the house without me noticing? We had had a bell attached to the inside of the door to alert me if someone was leaving or entering.
Luna suddenly jumped to her feet when the door opened and casually walked from the room. Almost like… someone else had arrived.
My throat felt very tight and my hands began to sweat at the idea of strangers being in my bubble.
I couldn't understand why they thought this would've been a good surprise?
I'm certain a panic attack would have started if I hadn't heard a playful gurgle from just outside the living room. A baby's gurgle.
"Happy Fourth, Bella!" Emmett jumped into view with arms outstretched and the biggest smile on his face.
"Don't scare the poor thing!"
Rose!
Emmett!
Daisy!
What were they doing here?
Rose made her way over to me with her daughter Daisy held against her side, Charlie stood in order to give Rose the seat. I watched as he gave Emmett a manly pat on the back.
"Wh-what…?" I was in such shock that I couldn't get my words out, regardless of my mutism or not.
"We wanted to celebrate the day with you," Rose smiled and adjusted Daisy so that she sat upon her knee. "We knew today was going to be difficult, and we didn't want to intimidate you with the whole family."
I rubbed away at my throat as I took in the suddenly-full living room. The ache in my throat helped me realize this was real. Very, very real. I hadn't seen any of Edward's family since James' court date a month ago, and it was clear to see that Daisy had grown a lot in that time. I never knew babies changed so much between six and seven months old, but maybe I just wasn't used to babies yet. Daisy could now sit unsupported for a longer period of time and two tiny teeth had grown through in the middle of her bottom jaw.
I watched in amusement as Daisy caught sight of Luna and peered at her with a side eye.
"Hello, Luna," Rose cooed. "Do you want to see the puppy, Daisy-bug?" She put her hand out for Luna to sniff and rub her head on, to try and get Daisy more comfortable with her. Luna must've seemed ginormous in Daisy's eyes.
"How are you doing, Little One?" Emmett stole the seat to my left, and Edward had sat on the floor between us.
"Good…" I whispered. "How… are you?" I silently cursed at my inability to talk. I didn't know if it was the shock or something else that had caused my mutism to start, but for the first time in a long time, I really wanted to talk.
"Even better now we're here!" Emmett punch the air with a fist. "I've seen the food Edward bought, and I cannot wait for that to get cooked up."
Charlie announced then that he had to leave, but that he would be back before I knew it. He also told Edward that he'd have his cell phone incase we needed to get in contact with him. Everyone, apart from myself, reassured him that everything would be fine.
"Is this a good surprise?" Edward whispered to me once Charlie had left the house.
I gave him a timid nod and a smile. It was the best surprise, and I just knew it was going to make everything so much easier for me.
0-0
It turned out that they had all told the truth when reassuring Charlie that everything was going to be okay. The time seemed to breeze past, and it didn't feel like he had been out for that long at all. We killed time by watching television, reading and talking. Rose did majority of the talking, but I responded the best I could. I asked where they were staying, to which they said they were staying with Edward and apparently they were driving home again tomorrow.
The moment that Charlie came home, Emmett cheered at the idea of food, and then he and Edward went into the backyard to start up the grill. I sat with Rose and Daisy on the couch.
"Edward told me what had happened the other day," Rose started. She sent me a sad smile, but gave my hand a proud pat. It was obvious that she didn't want to have this conversation with me when the others were around. I appreciated that. It was difficult to talk with all the ears listening.
"With… Jacob?"
"Yes. I just want you to know how incredibly proud I am, and incredibly pissed with that Jacob guy."
I giggled. "Edward… too."
"I could tell how much he hated him when he had phoned me. But the main thing is that you're okay, and you focus on the positives instead of the negatives."
"Yes." I nodded.
"What you did took so much courage, and please don't let a silly panic attack stop you from seeing how wonderful you are, and how brave you are."
That's why I loved Rose. She had such a fierce love inside her, and she always knew what to say or what to do when times were rough. She was a great friend to have and from seeing how defensive she became when it came to Jacob, she was someone you always wanted on your side.
"Thank you," I whispered.
Daisy distracted us with her amusement and how she had started a new game with Emmett's baseball hat that had been left on the couch. She placed the indent of the hat against her face, which covered it with plenty of room to spare around the sides. Once her face was in the hat she'd make a gurgle, and when the noise echoed around the material, Daisy chuckled loudly, and continued to gurgle in order to hear the echo again.
"She's really cute," I mumbled behind my clenched fist.
"Daisy makes me laugh on a daily basis," Rose commented. "I don't know how I became so lucky to have her as my daughter."
She was lucky to have a daughter. I always wanted one when I was growing up, and I always asked to be the 'mom' in a game of make-believe with my friends, but now I don't know how easy that'll be. Not only would I need to find a boyfriend in order for that to happen, but I don't know if my mental health would cause an issue with the pregnancy. My story means I wouldn't be picked to adopt a child, so I guess I'll have to wave that idea goodbye. Unless I met someone who already had a kid from a previous relationship, I guess that could work.
"You're lucky," I said sadly.
Rose gave me an empathetic look as she understood what I was saying. "You never know what might happen," she promised. "I never imagined myself to have this life, but now I don't know how I ever thought that."
"But I…"
No, that sounds too silly.
"What were you going to say, love?"
I thought it over for a minute as I decided what I had wanted to say, and how I wanted to word it. I had told Rose about this conundrum before, but I still found it hard to mention it.
"I… would need… a boyfriend." If I had been counting, I'd say it probably took me ten seconds to get those five short words out of my mouth.
"You don't see yourself clearly," Rose smirked. "Any man would be stupid not to want you."
Yes, but I didn't want 'any man', and Rose knew that.
"Maybe," I mumbled.
I found it easier to agree to what anyone is saying without having to explain my reason behind it. However, I couldn't stop myself from adding to what she had said.
"But I'm not… pretty," I said past the finger nail I was nibbling on.
"Not pretty?" Rose copied. "Have you looked in a mirror recently?"
I appreciated her comment, but I knew it wasn't true and she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. To emphasize my point, I pulled up my leggings on my right leg so it sat just above my ankle, and I pointed down towards the hair that the clothing had been hiding.
"What?" Rose asked with a frown. "I don't see anything."
I gave her a look that said 'really?' and pointed toward the hair again.
"I see leg hair, but that's it," she shrugged with a smile. "If human's weren't supposed to have it, we wouldn't be born with it. Just because women are frowned upon for not shaving, doesn't mean we have to listen to the low-lives that made that statement to begin with. What did the Old Bella do?"
I never liked it when people referred to me as old or new. I know I have said it in the past, and I think it from time to time, but to hear others saying it makes me see the difference between us. I might not return to how I used to be, and I might not manage to do the same things that I used to do, but I'm still here. The 'Old Bella' is still inside - she's simply buried deep underneath a mountain of pain.
Instead of telling Rose that, I answered her question and let the comment slide.
"I… shaved… most days."
Rose let our a tinkering laugh, adjusted how Daisy had been sitting, and then pulled up a leg of her own pants. "See? I often go several days without touching a razor."
The issue that I had, though, was that my hair is dark, which is far more noticeable than Rose's white blonde hairs that covered her legs.
"You… have a baby," that was reason enough in itself. I bet she barely has the time to wash her hair.
"And? You have immense pressure on your shoulders, and until recently you couldn't even stand, let alone find the energy to delicately shave your legs."
Her comment made sense, and I hadn't thought about it like that before. I guess my Mom was wrong - you don't need to have smooth legs for men to be attracted to you. Not like any man was attracted to me, but that's besides the point.
"Ladies!" Emmett's cheery voice called through from the back door. I heard his heavy footfalls before he poked his head around the door. "Chief is asking for assistance with the food prep. Apparently you make a mean fruit salad, Little One?" he cooked an eyebrow in my direction.
"I can… try," I mumbled.
"That's all we ask," Emmett winked and then turned on his heel to return to the back yard.
"Come on, then," Rose heaved herself and Daisy up from the couch. "Best to not keep these guys waiting."
Although we had been given the task of lending a hand, Emmett had sweetly taken everything out from the fridge and set up a station for us to work at.
"I'll cut… watermelon?" I suggested.
"Sure! I'll put cheese on the buns."
The watermelon had already been sliced, but I traced a knife around the peel and then cut the triangles into smaller pieces. It felt odd to have a sharp knife in my hand, but I took my time and made sure I was stable before I made any sudden movements. Once the melon had been placed into a large bowl, I cut the stems off all the strawberries and popped the grapes from the vines, before slicing them in half and added it to the bowl.
By the time the three fruits had been diced, Rose had finished setting up all the buns and had even taken the wrap off the potato salad and coleslaw that had been made the day before. I tried not to let my slowness affect me, and I knew that I had done the best job I could, but it was still difficult to see someone else complete various tasks before you could even complete one.
"This all looks great!" Edward praised with a smile as he saw the work we'd done.
"Thank you," I smiled timidly.
"Would you like to take a seat outside?" he asked as he held out a hand. "The food is ready to be served up."
"Okay,"
I ended up thoroughly enjoying the meal, and I managed to somehow eat two burger patties, a hot dog (without the bun) and two spoonfuls of fruit salad. Everyone joked and laughed and took their turns at holding the baby, and I sat back and enjoyed it.
We all went inside as the sun began to set, and I cuddled up in a blanket with Luna doing some weight therapy on my lap. I slipped on the headphones, took some medication, and waited for the fireworks to start. It turned out that the headphones didn't cancel all noise, and I heard a few of the bangs, but I could tell from the reflection of the glass that there were many more that I couldn't hear, and for that, I was grateful.
I even managed to fall asleep, and I drifted off with the knowledge that everyone was around me, I was safe, and the noise outside were simply fireworks.
It felt slightly ironic to think that we were celebrating the country's independence at the same time that we were all celebrating my independence, and the journey I had taken.
July 6th, 2019
Edward
I pulled up outside Charlie's house shortly before five o'clock, and saw Bella was looking out the window, probably waiting on my arrival. This evening was going to be a real test for her, and I knew that she was dreading it, so I think she wanted to get it out of the way. Charlie had to work another night shift, and usually I would camp out at their house, but we'd come up with a plan to help her get used to a different surrounding. She's going to be staying with me instead, in her old house, but she hasn't set foot on the property since she was taken, so I'm not sure how it's going to turn out.
The last time Bella stood on the front yard she was thrown into the back of James' car, and I knew she wanted to see her house and her old surroundings, but things may be more difficult than that when we actually arrive. I've thought of a way to help her relax, but nothing is set in stone just yet.
I let myself into the house with my own key, and heard the bell chime as the door swung open. Luna raced up to see me with her tail wagging. I gave her head a good scratch, and then she turned around and returned to the living room. I could hear the hum of the boiler upstairs, so assumed that Charlie must have been in the shower.
"Hey, love," I smiled as I entered the room. Bella sat on the couch with her overnight bags by her feet.
"Hi," she gave me a small smile.
"You good?"
"Yes," she nibbled on her bottom lip which told me that her answer may have been a white lie.
I peered over at her bags and saw the head of Plushy Nora sticking from one bag, and Luna's bed had been rolled up and slotted into another. She was only going for one night, but when you need to have all of your comforts, along with everything for your dog, it all adds up.
"I've thought we could do something fun," I grinned. "How about you do the cooking this evening?"
Bella's eyes widened and a faint smile curled up on her lips. "Me?" she asked with a finger pointed toward her chest.
"Yeah, you," I replied. "You've wanted to cook for so long, and you know I'm not the best, so why not this evening?"
"Okay…"
"Excellent! Why don't you think of something easy that you'd like to cook, and then we'll stop off at the store to collect the ingredients?"
We were advised to let Bella pick what food she'd like to eat. Her main fear foods consist of bread (mainly sandwiches) and apples, however we've experienced times in the past where something completely different would set off a panic. Angela, Bella's therapist, believes that perhaps she had bad memories of that other food, but her brain hadn't processed the fear until it was put in front of her. For example, Bella loves fruit, and is constantly seen snacking on watermelon and strawberries, and one day Charlie bought a large net of oranges which he peeled and sliced for her, but the second the segment was in Bella's hand, she freaked out and began to scream the house down.
Angela was informed of the incident, and said that there's a chance James had maybe sat and peeled the fruit in front of her. He might not have done anything with the orange, but the memory of him peeling it was enough to set Bella off. Which is what I don't understand, because she's happily had orange juice, or orange flavored candy, but the physical fruit itself isn't allowed in her head.
Apples are the main one, and she can't even face looking at the fruit, let alone holding and eating it, and sandwiches or bread rolls make her physically sick if she eats them, but she's had French toast before, and ate that no problem. The mind is a weird and wonderful place, and I don't think I'd ever fully understand what went on inside her head.
"How about… pasta?" she whispered.
"Pasta?" I copied. "Sure, I love pasta. What would you like to have with it"
"Um… I don't know."
"That's okay," I soothed. "We can think about that later."
Twenty minutes later, Charlie arrived downstairs all ready for work, and the two of us carried Bella's bags into the trunk of my car.
"I'll have my cell on me," Charlie whispered while Bella was out of earshot.
"Thanks. I think it'll be fine, but we just don't know yet."
"If anything goes wrong, don't hesitate to phone and I'll find someone to cover for me."
Charlie's face held a sad smile, because this was just as difficult for him as it was for his daughter. He'd come to realize that he can't protect her twenty-four hours a day, and he wants to bubblewrap her and keep her safe in the house, but that isn't possible. He hated the nightshifts for that very reason, but he had to do them occasionally, and it was simply another challenge we had to face together. He knew I'd look after her, and he knew I'd never let anything happen to her, but it doesn't make the parting any easier.
"You ready, sweetheart?" Charlie called over as Bella made her way out of the house. In the time that we'd been outside, she'd clipped Luna's harness on, and now the dog was in working mode.
Bella gave her father a feeble nod, gave him a hug, and then climbed into the front of my car. I watched as she pulled her arms into her hoodie and then crossed them over her chest. It was a defensive tactic to help herself feel safe, and not because she was cold. Her voice had gone ten minutes prior, and I had a feeling that it would be a while before I heard her speak again.
I said my goodbyes to Charlie, promised him again that I'd look after Bella, and then I got into the car beside her. Luna lay peacefully over the backseats, but she had her head turned toward her owner to keep a watchful eye over Bella as we drove.
"I have some cereal in the house," I said as we drove towards the store, "but if you'd like something else for breakfast then we can get it now, okay?"
I didn't get a response, but I knew she'd pick something up if it caught her eye.
I managed to get a spot near the door, and the stress of not managing to find one had vanished as soon as I saw the open spaces. Charlie was in discussion with Angela about whether or not Bella would qualify for a disabled parking permit. She has difficulty walking at the moment, but that will change as her body gets stronger, but the distance from the parking lot to the store can be a major challenge for her, and so he's hoping she can qualify for one. Washington has a lot of rules in order for you to be eligible, and mental health isn't one of them, but he won't stop trying.
"Shall I get Luna?" I asked when I noticed that Bella hadn't made any move to leave the car.
"Edward," she whispered under her breath.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" I patted her arm as I noticed the tears that brimmed in her eyes.
Bella nibbled on her lip for a second, and then she fanned out both hands as she jolted them in front of her chest. She had resulted in sign language, which isn't often used when we were safe in the car. That wasn't a good sign.
"You're scared?" I guess from her movements. "Why are you scared?"
She repeated the same movement, but with more emphasis to express how terrified she was.
"I get that you're scared, but can you tell me why?"
Bella held out her fore and middle fingers on both hand, pointed them down toward her lap, and then cycled them in front of each other.
"The people," I read. "You don't need to be scared of the people, love. They don't want to hurt you."
We hadn't learnt a lot of ASL, but we were slowly learning the main signs that Bella would need on a daily basis. For example, she can thank someone, tell us that she's hungry or thirsty, and she can also tell us how she's feeling, whether that be happy, sad, scared or anxious. She's also learnt signs for each of us. Luna is either the sign for 'moon' or 'dog', Charlie is the sign for 'father' and I am the sign for 'friend'. We had to be careful that she didn't rely mainly on the signs and didn't use her voice at all, but in situations where she cannot talk, it was important that she could communicate with us. Apparently my family were willing to learn, which just about broke my heart when I found out.
I patiently waited for ten minutes before Bella had found the courage to leave the car, but those ten minutes didn't bother me in the slightest. I'd take a bullet for this girl, so sitting in the car was nothing to me.
She took several deep breaths, took a sip from her water bottle, and then looked at me as she took her right hand and brushed the tips of her fingers against her neck. The sign for 'dog'.
"I'll get Luna, you prepare yourself."
I gave her forehead a kiss as I slipped from the car and opened the back left-hand door. Luna took no time in jumping free from the space, but she stood right beside me and waited until she was given a command. I slipped Bella's bag onto my shoulders, double checked that I had my wallet, and then brought Luna round to where Bella waited for her.
She pointed a finger at Luna to get her attention, and then pointed it toward her eyes so the dog knew to watch her. I watched as Bella surveyed the area and the amount of people present before she stood fully from the car and wrapped Luna's leash around her chosen hand. She took a few more deep breaths and then motioned for Luna to walk on.
Watching her walking through the doors to the store and allowing Luna to guide her to the first aisle, genuinely made me want to cry. A week ago, when everything had happened with Jacob in the park, I never would have thought that she'd manage to do this. It just shows that your mind doesn't control everything, and if you want to do something, it can't stop you.
A few people passed Bella and said hello, but they walked away before Bella had to panic about responding. They knew she wouldn't want to start a conversation, but that she probably appreciated the greeting.
A landed on the fruit and veg aisle, and as Bella decided on which tomatoes she wanted to pick, I put Luna in the 'guard' command. It wasn't a defense pose, but she would stand behind Bella and watch the people walking past. It meant that no one could come too close to Bella, and if someone stepped closer than Luna would've liked, she'd slip into that space to stop them.
"They look good," I praised as she dropped the bag into the basket I carried.
Bella gave me a smile and then motioned for Luna to keep walking.
They repeated the same process until we had picked out tomato sauce, chorizo, and all we had to get was some pasta.
Bella was in the middle of deciding which pasta she wanted, when things took a slight turn.
"Hey, Bella!" a guy shouted from the other end of the lane.
I didn't know the guy personally, but I knew that he worked here from the times I've been in before, and his name tag told me his name was Mike.
Bella froze with a bag of spaghetti clenched in both hands.
Luna took her guard pose in front of her, and kept her eyes on Mike, just to make sure nothing bad was going to happen.
"Hey," I spoke to him calmly. "Please, don't come much closer."
My words seemed to slip right over Mike's head, and he came closer just like Jacob had when we first met him.
"That's close enough," I told him again.
"How are you doing?" he asked Bella. "I haven't seen you in ages."
The petrified girl angled her body toward me, and I put a protective arm around her shoulders and whispered that everyone was okay. Mike appeared harmless, but he also appeared ignorant to the situation.
"Cool dog," he commented and held his hand out as if he was going to pet Luna.
"Please don't touch the dog while she's working," I ordered calmly.
"It's cool, man," he smiled at me. "I'm not scared of dogs."
"That's not the point. Luna is working and she can't afford to be distracted right now."
"Awesome. What does she do?"
I let out a deep sigh and realized that it was best to give Mike the answer he was looking for, and then hopefully he'd walk away before anything could happen.
"She's listening out for Bella's heart rate," I told him. "She's keeping her calm and collected, but paying attention in case a panic attack is about to start, and then she'll take her to a safe space."
"Amazing," Mike gave Luna a thumbs up. "But how have you been, Bella? Things goings okay?"
I peered down at Bella and saw that she was nibbling on the tips of her fingers with her head lowered toward her chest. I had to get her out of here, and I had to get Mike to return to his job.
"She's doing really well," I answered honestly, "but things like this are difficult for her, and so, if you wouldn't mind, is it okay if we continued shopping?"
"Ah, yeah, man," he smiled. "Just let me know if you need anything."
"I will, thanks."
"See you later, Bella!"
Mike left things there and walked back in the way he'd been coming.
I asked Bella if there was anything else she needed, and when she shook her head, I took control, paid for the items as quickly as possible, and walked us back to the car.
"That was so good!" I praised with a large smile.
Bella gave me a weak smile in return and clicked her seatbelt into place.
"Do you know Mike from school?" I guessed.
She nodded. "Fig…" she whispered under her breath.
"Fig? What do you mean by that?" Had she forgotten to buy some figs in the store?
"Mike… Newton," she explained, "…called him… Fig."
"Fig Newton," I laughed. High school nicknames always stick.
We didn't converse much more on the way to my house, or, at least, I didn't ask her many more questions. It was clear to me that she wasn't in the mood for talking, and I wanted to make the situation as calming as possible for her.
Her breathing deepened as we entered the street, and even Luna poked her head between the seats as she picked up on the change of mood. Usually, if Luna picked up on something before we became aware of it, we'd take Bella to a quiet spot, or have her sit down on the couch, but I knew she was safe in the car, and if an episode started, I could pull the car over without any problems.
As I pulled up into the drive, Bella curled in on herself and covered her head with both arms. She didn't want to see the yard, and chances were that she didn't want to step foot from the safety of my car.
"Do you want to go home?" I asked.
There was a long pause between my question and the answer. It was faint, and hard to see, but Bella shook her head and continued to calm her breaths.
"No one will think badly of you if you decide to turn around," I promised her.
I couldn't think of the best way to do this. Before I left, I had all these different possibilities in my head, and I knew that one of them would work, but now that it came time to face the issue head on, none of my ideas seemed to work. I thought about taking Luna in first and having her check the place out, so that Bella knew no one else was in the house, but Bella wouldn't want her to leave her side. I also thought about unlocking the door, turning the lights and heating on, but she wouldn't want me to leave either.
I had to do what was best for her, and I had to put her needs before my own, but at what cost? Was it best for her to face this fear and overcome the final hurdle, or do I take her back to her house and potentially risk a melt down when Bella realized that she'd 'failed' once again?
"How would you like to do this?" I asked, knowing that if she made the decision, I could work off of that.
"Shall we go in together?" I continued to talk when I hadn't received a reply.
"Edward," she whispered under her arm cave.
"Yes?"
"Save… me."
The biggest lump formed in my throat. It broke my heart to hear such a painful command.
"I will always save you," I promised. "No matter what happens, I'll always be here to save you."
Fifteen minutes after we'd arrived at the house, Bella uncurled her body and took the first look at her old house.
"…Truck," her words were so silent that I barely heard them, but I knew what she was saying.
Charlie had told me how much Bella loved her truck, and she always said how eager she was to drive again, but I think she thought the truck would be sitting there waiting for her. It hadn't been here when I moved in, and apparently Charlie had it stored somewhere safe until Bella wanted it back again - if she could have it back again.
"You're truck is safe. Charlie had it taken somewhere to get tested for fingerprints, and now he has it stored until you're fit enough to drive again."
"…There," she pointed a finger through the window beside me, and had it aimed toward the front yard. "Right… there."
A sickening feeling raced through my body as I worked out what she was saying. That had to be the spot where she was attacked, where she was ambushed by Victoria and James. The last time she was here, she was standing right at that spot.
The bravery that it must have taken for her to say that. Bella wasn't ignoring the flashbacks, and it felt like she was inviting them in. She allowed herself to remember the day, the second it all went down hill, instead of running from them or for allowing the pain to take over. It was the same with the trial, when she forced herself to look at James after she'd let her heart out to the entire room. Bella may think that she fails day in, day out, but that shows the utmost bravery and I don't think I'd ever be strong enough to do something like that.
"You constantly amaze me," I replied.
I watched as Bella roamed over the area, and took in the house, the yard, and the houses of the neighbors next door. That was her way of introducing herself to the situation, and that was her way of making sure everything was okay. She nodded to whatever she'd said in her head, and then unclipped the belt.
"You ready?"
My answer came in the form of Bella reaching for the door handle, and she stepped from the car without any more encouragement from me. I made a mental reminder to tell Charlie when we saw him in the morning, but I didn't say anything to Bella in case she'd been running on autopilot and I didn't want her to halt in her tracks.
I collected the bags from the trunk as she stood in the middle of her yard and continued to survey as she had been previously doing. Luna had been let from the car and she, sweetly, sat beside her owner and watched on as Bella became comfortable with her house once again.
I wasn't aware of what the night had in stall for me, and I wasn't aware of the episode I was going to encounter, but this moment right here was going to make it all worth it.
Bella had taken the first step, and it was just a shame that the evening was going to take it back again.
0-0
I know I said the this chapter was going to see the starting point to a HEA, but it was much longer than I had anticipated, and you've already waited long enough for it, so I've cut it there, but I will do my damn hardest to continue writing soon.
My new job consists of me writing 5,000 words a day, all in British English, and so if I have made a few silly mistakes in spelling then I do apologise. I'm so used to writing in my own 'language' these days that I don't even realise I'm making those mistakes.
If you're still here, please let me know what you thought. Your comments and reviews are the fuel which keeps me going.