The room was warmed by a roaring fire but Ava could neither explain nor understand the cold chill that seemed to encompass the small area around herself and her grandmother. She didn't know how much time had passed since the doctor left but she was determined to make every second count. Perhaps her grandmother couldn't hear her but that wasn't going to stop Ava from talking to her until she was no longer with them.
"I remember when I was about ten or eleven, and we all came up to visit. You and dedushka were celebrating your wedding anniversary and you threw a great big party with all of the family and neighbours. There were so many people at the party, and all of them wanted your attention in one way or another, but you only had eyes for dedushka. I remember the two of you danced together all night, and neither one of you cared that it wasn't the done thing for a man and woman to dance together. In fact afterwards, you told me that you and dedushka had danced together every day of your lives and you would do so forever. Then he left you and there was no more dancing. I don't want you to leave us, babushka, but he's waiting for you. He's waiting to do all of the dances you missed over the years, isn't he?"
Ava closed her eyes, and for a moment she convinced herself that her grandmother squeezed her hand.
"Mum and Dad are probably getting ready to leave as we speak, but I don't want you to force yourself to hold on for them; they wouldn't want that and neither do I. If you were awake and lucid now you would probably laugh and call me a liar, and you would be right. I want you to hold on forever; I want you to always stay here with me. I want you to be here when I walk down the aisle and have children. I want you to be here to see Alfie trying to change our children's nappies and try not to swear around them. It's very selfish of me, I know, but when you began to lose the better functions of your mind, it was like losing you. Only now, the knowledge that we're about to lose you physically hurts more than I ever thought it could.
Do you remember when I begged Mum and Dad for a cat? It was after I came to visit you and Ollie had gotten a kitten. I was so jealous of him, and I swore to Mum and Dad that I would look after it if they let me get one too. They relented after months of me pestering them and she was perfect. I called her Sage because her eyes made her look so wise even though she was so tiny. I adored her and when you came to visit us for Mum's birthday you helped me to make a knitted mouse with a long tail so I could play with her. But then Dad put poison down in the garden to get rid of the rats that were coming in from next door's house and Sage ate some of it accidentally. She was so poorly and she died in my arms. Do you remember? I do because you cuddled me and you were so warm and smelled so nice. You always used to wear that musk perfume dedushka first bought you when you were courting and I love that smell. You cuddled me so tight while I cried and afterwards you helped me to bury her, even when my sisters laughed and made fun of me. You told me that the things we love never really die, and that in fact they only go away to make space for someone else or something else to love us. You weren't wrong because only a few days later, that stray tomcat came to visit and never left. He wasn't the same as Sage but I loved him all the same. So I'm trying to tell myself that the reason you have to leave is because you want to make space for someone else to love me. Maybe the children I'll have with Alfie? I don't know. But I wish with all my heart that you didn't have to go. I wish you didn't have to leave me."
Ava clasped her grandmother's hand desperately, wishing somehow she could keep her alive longer by willing her own life force into the older woman's body. Yana's breathing was shallow; so shallow that her chest was almost still, and the only reason Ava knew she was alive was because of the faint tickle of breath upon her cheek when she tried to feel for it.
"I love you so much, babushka. It's been my honour to look after you these past months. I sometimes feel I should have done more; maybe I shouldn't have let Alfie talk me into letting Leia help to look after you so I could have a break. Perhaps it was selfish of me? I don't know. But one thing I do know is that Leia has truly been an angel sent from heaven to help us, hasn't she? And I know she's going to miss you just as much as I am."
….
Downstairs, Leia was sat at the kitchen table with Mrs Ziesmann and for some reason she couldn't shake the horrible feeling that enveloped her. Clutching her shaking hands tightly in her lap, she tried to picture her baby son in an attempt to stop herself from allowing guilt and self loathing to swallow her whole.
"Where on earth could he be?" Mrs Ziesmann got up and peered through the kitchen window again.
"He'll be here as soon as he can, I'm sure," Leia hoped her wobbly voice didn't betray her too much.
"I know," she sighed, sitting down once more. "I just feel so sad for Ava. She needs Alfie here; she needs his strength and she needs his loving presence and comforting nature around her. I never thought I would use such words to describe Alfie, but he adores that girl and when the inevitable happens she will need him."
"He said he would be here as soon as possible," Leia's voice was quiet as she swallowed down a big lump of guilt.
"Can you imagine how that poor girl must be feeling?" Mrs Ziesmann didn't seem to hear Leia's words. "She's so far from her family when she needs them the most. I'm sure Alfie won't let her down when she so desperately needs him but it's just breaking my heart to think of her up there alone, waiting for him to come and help her through this."
"He'll be here," Leia repeated, and the lie tasted like ash in her mouth.
But half an hour passed and Mrs Ziesmann continued to grow restless when there was still no sign of Alfie. She huffed and paced up and down, muttering and murmuring to herself until she decided that she was going to phone the bakery again and demand to know what Alfie was playing at.
"No!" Leia stood suddenly as the older woman moved towards the hallway. "I just… if he's busy he may not answer the phone. I'll go down to the bakery myself."
"I can't let you go out in the dark on your own," Mrs Ziesmann shook her head.
"I'll be fine," Leia answered her with a smile. "And I don't think I can sit here doing nothing anyway. I'll find Alfie and I'll bring him here."
Mrs Ziesmann was torn with indecision but when Leia squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, she agreed that it was most likely a good idea.
"Just be careful, hmm?" she patted Leia's cheek with a fond smile.
Stepping out into the night air, Leia was herself torn with indecision. Her stomach was whirring with so many emotions and all she could think about was Ava with her dying grandmother. But then her tiny boy needed her just as much as she needed him. What was she going to do? If she defied Oscar and went to fetch Alfie, then she would never have her baby back. But how could she live with herself if she hurt one of the people who treated her like she mattered? She reached the end of the road and was faced with a decision. Did she turn left towards the bakery, or did she turn in the opposite direction and live with the guilt for the rest of her life?