Chapter 13 – In Which They Both Understand

The evening came fast. It was autumn now, the days becoming shorter. Leaves on the trees outside were beginning to turn orange and red, intensifying the effect of the early sunsets. Tonks walked home along her street, not bothering to Apparate right to her door. Her feet squelched in the puddles left by the afternoon rain, staining her boots a darker black. She scowled. Stupid rain. Stupid London. Stupid Order meeting tonight. She had half a thought not to go, not eager to sit through another hour of no-news and worried faces. It was good that everything had calmed down, but it did give her more time to think, and this was not what she wanted right now. It would only make her more annoyed at the man who sat calmly across the table from her every week, seemingly refusing to meet her eyes.

Tonks was still frowning as she reached her front door. She let herself in and shook her coat off, throwing it onto the hall table. She walked through to her kitchen, pointedly not looking at the couch and the exact spot where – no. No. She couldn't do this again, not so close to the meeting. It would just make her wound up and nervous, unable to do anything except think of him.

Tonks got dressed slowly, trying to drag out the time. She took some extra time with her hair, attempting an elaborate up-do before shaking out the birds' nest and settling on a plait. At last, she glanced at her watch and sighed. It wouldn't do to be late.

He was batting true to form at the meeting. Tonks sat in her uncomfortable chair, trying to keep her face straight above the despair and anger in her throat. It just wasn't fair. How dare he greet her in a friendly way, knowing what it must do to her. How dare he sit there, seemingly pointedly not making eye contact, with not a hint of inner turmoil on his face. Tonks flicked her eyes away from him. It was becoming ridiculous. They never spoke about that time, or their argument. He was perfectly friendly, but somehow removed, like he was holding her at arm's length with an apologetic smile on his face. Like he was pretending it had never happened. But how was she supposed to pretend that there was nothing there between them? Nothing had changed in her feelings towards him, except that now they were twisted with anger and confusion, a tinge of guilt.

If he had truly gotten over her, she might have had a fighting chance of forgetting him. But there was still something in his eyes sometimes, something in the way he spoke to her, that fed a hope somewhere in Tonks. She resented the hope, but still clung to it. It was like a burning ember, the last of the fire, that renewed each time he brushed against her, fiercely glowing orange and refusing to let her forget.

Even the other Order members had noticed that they still had a connection, something deeper than friendship. They had never mentioned it, of course, but Tonks had caught some knowing smiles and winks. Sirius was the most outright of them all, always trying to trap them in the same room together, insisting that Tonks stay after the meeting for a last drink, winking at Tonks over the rim of his glass. Doesn't he know? thought Tonks irritably.

Tonight was no difference. Just as the meeting and dinner had wound down, and Tonks was preparing to leave, Sirius came up behind her and clapped her back.

"My favourite cousin!" he grinned. "Fancy a Butterbeer?"

"Not tonight, Sirius," Tonks said sharply. "Gotta get going." She gathered her coat up, but Sirius stopped her with a glint in his eye.

"Ah, come on. One won't kill you," he wheedled. "You can tell me about that run you made on the McConleys the other day. Twelve stolen wands, was it?"

Tonks pursed her lips. If she didn't, he would just keep insisting. "Fine, okay. One." She tried to make her voice stern.

Sirius beamed. "Atta girl. Sit down, sit down."

Tonks laid her coat across the table again and reluctantly pushed her chair out again. The empty room was cold, and she only had her similarly empty flat to go back to. She stared into the dying fire moodily. Better get this over with. Tonks wasn't surprised at all when Sirius came back into the room with three bottles.

"Oh, is someone joining us?" she said innocently.

Sirius gave her a knowing stare. "Thought I might persuade Remus to join us."

Tonks tried to ignore the thrill she felt in her stomach at his name. She shrugged, opening one of the bottles. "Okay."

Sirius snorted. "Back in a sec."

Tonks sipped her Butterbeer, letting it warm her. She could hear the sound of voices in the library, made softer by the crackling fire. One drink, she told herself firmly. One.

Remus was trying to convince himself that one more drink couldn't hurt. Just a couple more minutes, maybe. The air felt different tonight. Everything was slightly more magical, like a sea change had come sweeping through inner London. Tonks seemed more loosened up, encouraged by Sirius' laughter and the Butterbeer. Remus was talking more than usual, probably a mistake on his part.

"… and there were three! Can you imagine our surprise? I thought Kingsley would do a jig on the spot, he was so happy!" Tonks finished her story to the raucous laughter of Sirius.

"I would give my left leg to see that," Sirius said, slapping his knee. He giggled to himself. "Three," he muttered, taking a swig of his third Butterbeer. His face lit up. "Hey, that reminds me of that time in Year Three, when we snuck out to see the pumpkins at Halloween," Sirius said, turning to Remus.

Remus smiled. "When you snuck out, you mean."

"I swear you were there. No, you were, remember? You distracted Pope while we ran," Sirius said. "Henry Pope was our tyrannical Prefect," he explained to Tonks.

"He wasn't that bad," Remus said mildly.

"Was so. Remember when he gave me a detention for spilling ink on the sofa? I could have siphoned that up in a second," Sirius said, pointing at Remus, who just gave a world-weary sigh.

"Sounds like my Prefect in Year Four," Tonks said. "Gave my friend a detention for laughing too loud. In the common room."

"Now that is a true abuse of power," Remus smiled. Tonks returned the smile, and his heart skipped a beat.

"Oh come on, don't pretend that you're all perfect," Sirius dragged his attention away from Tonks. "I bet you showed some sort of favouritism."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "I suppose this is why you are not a teacher."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, probably. I wouldn't be able to keep myself from hexing that smarmy Malfoy into the ground." He drained his bottle under the disapproving eye of Remus. "Ah well, that's me for the night, I think." Sirius made a great show of jumping up and pushing his chair into the table. Remus stiffened. Of course Sirius would have something planned like this. He tried to make eye contact, to give Sirius a Serious Stare, but he was purposefully avoiding his eyes. "Feel free to stay, Tonks." He walked from the room, closing the door loudly.

Remus was suddenly very aware that they were alone together. Drat. His bottle was still half full. He chanced a glance over at Tonks, who was staring into the fire determinedly. Remus took the opportunity to study her face, its delicate planes. He ignored the voice in his head that told him this was not the way to get over someone. Suddenly, Tonks looked up and their eyes met. Hers were full of sadness, almost angry. Remus tore his eyes away, feeling like he had intruded on some private moment of her thoughts. He stared down at his bottle.

There was so much he wanted to say, but nothing was coming to mind. The silence stretched on.

"Well, I might get to bed, then," Remus said, when he could bear it no longer. He forced a smile. "It's a little late." He stood up, trying to ignore the part of his brain screaming at him to sit back down.

"You still have half your drink left," Tonks said.

"I'm not thirsty," Remus said shortly.

"Am I that bad company?" Tonks smiled, but there was a bitter edge.

Remus tried to keep his tone light. "Of course not. Right, yeah, I'll finish my drink." He sat down, paying no attention to the happy feeling in his chest. She wanted to talk to him.

Again, he couldn't think of anything to say. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"How's the Order business going?" Tonks asked abruptly.

"It's fairly quiet right now. Sirius is getting more stir-crazy by the day." Remus said.

Tonks smiled. "Yes, I could tell."

"How is the Ministry?"

"Same as ever. The higher-ups give us some easy assignment, we finish it in a day and spend the next three weeks doing paperwork." Tonks rolled her eyes.

Remus was out of words again. The seconds ticked by. He sipped his drink, just to have something to do. The house was completely quiet. It felt nice, peaceful. The silence was less awkward, more friendly.

"Can I ask you something?" Tonks said eventually.

"Of course."

"You don't have to answer."

Remus inclined his head. "Okay."

"Where did you go, after James died?"

Remus took a second to catch his breath. People usually weren't so direct.

"Sorry," she said. "Forget it."

"No, it's fine." Remus took a deep breath. "Why do you ask?"

Tonks shrugged, tracing the rim of her bottle. "I was thinking of taking a trip. I need to get out of town for a little bit."

"Hm. Well, I went through Europe, mainly."

"Any interesting spots?"

"I wasn't really there for the scenery," Remus said sourly, the memories tainting his mood.

"Sorry, of course not."

"Don't worry about it. I don't really remember where I went exactly. I took a train from France eastwards."

"Were you looking for something?"

Remus fidgeted with the label on his bottle. "I was more running than searching." He wondered why he was telling her this. It felt like he hadn't talked with Tonks about anything more than the Order for a while.

Tonks was quiet for a couple seconds. "Running from what?"

"Myself, mainly." Remus sighed. "I wouldn't recommend it. You wake up every morning no further than where you started."

Tonks gave a small smile. "I can't imagine you then."

"No, I can't either. I didn't look in the mirror too often in those days."

They were quiet for a moment, letting the noise of the crackling fire fill the room. Remus leaned forward in his chair, running his hands through his hair. He looked up at Tonks, their faces closer than they had been in months. Why was he doing this? He should leave, stop talking. It would only prolong his pain, make the wound deeper once he finally committed to forgetting her.

"Can I ask you something else?" Tonks said softly.

He nodded, against his better judgement. Damn. Why couldn't he stop talking to her? Even now, when he recognised the danger of being alone with her, he didn't want to leave. It was as if there was something magnetic between them, an unconscious pull in his stomach towards her. Like they were meant to be like this. She was familiar to him – looking at her face was like looking in a mirror. He could pick her out of any crowd.

"What do you want?" Tonks asked. Her tone wasn't rude, just curious.

He frowned at the unexpected question. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want?" she repeated. "I feel like I can't figure you out sometimes. I want to know what makes you tick." She nodded her head toward the grandfather clock, a smile playing on her lips. It made him want to kiss her very badly.

"Out of life, you mean? Or right now?"

She shrugged. "Both. Either."

Remus wanted to laugh. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't explain it to her. He wanted so much. Sometimes it was like his life was defined by longing. He wanted new clothes, ones with no holes in the elbows. He wanted his own house, somewhere in a forest, with a running brook nearby. For Sirius to be happy. For the moon to disappear, or for the curse in his blood to disappear, or for himself to disappear. For his parents to look at him with no trace of pity or guilt. He wanted to be stronger, to be able to do what he wanted without fear. To be able to hold down a job, one which he liked. To rip up every piece of legislature that had ever been made against him. He wanted to spend many days lying in a field of flowers and thinking about things. And of course, there were more secret, more selfish desires. He wanted the woman staring into his eyes right now to kiss him. He wanted her to whisper his name. He wanted to wake up next to her every day.

He couldn't tell her this, of course. And yet, at the same time, he had to. Somehow, this desperate wanting had to be let out of his mind. So he said the first thing that came to him.

"Love."

Tonks looked at him for a few seconds before nodding with satisfaction. "Yes, I thought so."

Remus smiled, relaxing. "I bare my heart to you, and you tell me you know it?"

"It's not exactly a unique desire, Lupin," Tonks said scornfully. Remus liked the way she said his name.

"What about you, then?" Remus asked.

Tonks sighed and looked into the fire dreamily. "So much." She smiled a little, her mouth creasing up at the corners. "Sometimes it feels like all I do is long for things."

Remus started. "I was thinking the same thing before."

"Hmm. Well, it's human nature, I suppose." She shifted back in her seat slightly, still gazing at the fire.

"You didn't answer my question," Remus said quietly.

Tonks was silent for a few seconds. "I want to be happy, mainly. I want everyone I love to be happy. And … I want to be nicer."

"You are nice."

Tonks smiled. "I think Kingsley may disagree. Sometimes I say things without thinking, and I only realise later that I've said something bad."

"I think that means you're honest."

"Which is not always a good thing."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Better than being dishonest."

"I suppose so." Tonks sipped from her bottle and thought some more. "And I want … to be smarter."

"You're one of the smartest people I know."

Tonks snorted. "On paper, maybe. Mostly I just feel like I'm making everything up as I go."

"I think everybody thinks that, though."

Tonks looked surprised. "I don't believe – … do you really think that?"

Remus shifted in his seat. "Sometimes. I have a fairly strong moral compass, but there are some things you can't reason your way out of."

"I never get that impression. You always seem so in control."

He smiled. "Don't tell anyone else, I have them fooled as well."

She pretended to zip up her lips. "Your secret is safe with me." She chuckled. "What do you really want, then? Go on, I said two things."

"I told you," he said.

"You said the obvious. It's not an answer if I already know it."

Remus thought about this for a second. "How did you already know?"

"I don't know," Tonks said thoughtfully. "I can see it in your eyes sometimes."

"See what?"

Tonks looked at him again and made a move like she was about to take his hand but thought better of it. "Loneliness," she said.

"I'm not lonely," Remus said instinctively.

Tonks smiled sadly. "But you want love."

"That doesn't mean I'm lonely. You still haven't answered my question, by the way."

"Yes, it does." Tonks ignored the second part of his answer. "Unless you've already found it. Love, that is."

Remus could see where she was leading him. "Tonks…" he started.

Tonks shook her head. "I know."

He continued anyway. "I can't." He stared into her eyes, and she knew what he meant. She smiled, her eyes still sad.

"Can't we just pretend?"

"Pretend what?" Remus asked.

"That the last two months haven't happened. That you still want to talk to me."

"I do want to talk to you," Remus said.

"That you still want to kiss me, then."

Remus felt like he had been punched in the gut. Here it was, then. Here was the conversation that he'd been avoiding for two months.

"I do want to kiss you," he said softly. Tonks' eyes flashed, victorious.

"Why didn't you say that before, then?" she asked. "When I asked you what you wanted."

"What I want, and what is best, is not the same thing." Remus hated doing this. It made him feel like the bad person, the responsible one who dashes the others' hopes and dreams.

Tonks leaned forward and kissed him anyway. It was soft and hesitant, like their first kiss all over again. She gently placed her hand onto his jaw, stroking his cheek. Remus' resolve nearly crumbled. This wasn't playing fair – not the way she moved her lips against his, not the way she smiled into his mouth, or the way that her other hand found his. Like the time they danced in the library, their hands felt like they fit together.

Remus gently pulled away, an apologetic look on his face.

"Don't look at me like that," Tonks murmured. She sighed, probably knowing what he was going to say. Their hands were still intertwined. She ran her thumb over his, trying to make the moment last.

"We can't," Remus breathed.

"I know."

They stayed like that for a minute longer. "I'm sorry," Remus muttered. "I wish things were different."

"I know," Tonks said again. She stood up, untangling her hands from his. "Me too."

She pushed her chair back to the table and put her coat on. Remus stayed where he was, still staring into the dying fire.

"See you next mission," Tonks said.

"Goodbye, Tonks," Remus replied, not turning around. He gazed at the last embers, the orange slowly fading from them.