Chapter 12: Doubts and Final Choices

Carlisle and I went up to Bellingham to greet Alice, Jasper, Bella, and Edward upon their return from Bella's first meeting on Alice's behalf. Bella was glowing, so I assumed it went well.

Once everyone was back in the house, Bella stated, "You all go watch it at a volume where I can't hear, while I make myself something. I don't mind you seeing, but I don't want to view myself."

It was a reasonable request, and one that showed her willingness to find a compromise between our wants and hers.

Alice had dressed Bella so that she fit the part of a fashion designer's assistant to a tee. It appeared that Bella's clothes were Alice's creation, although from available materials. It was a charcoal grey pants suit with a coral blue silk blouse, and slight blue open toe heels the same tone as the shirt with precious gems that matched the jewellery. Her hair was pulled back in a tight bun, her makeup aging her beautifully, and her jewellery showing off her neck in a covetous way. It was so masterfully done, that it almost didn't look like Bella.

Bella took everything out of the portfolio case Alice had put together, explained Alice's intentions, and then took a step back waiting in silence, allowing the woman to think unobtrusively. Where Alice's energy might have overwhelmed the portfolio, Bella's quiet presence became almost a backdrop to Alice's creation.

The woman asked a few questions, which Bella answered with confidence, as if were an oral final exam, detailed, but brief and precise.

Eventually the woman stated, "It is masterful. Where is the contract?"

At those words, Bella removed the contract where Alice had already signed.

"It is a shame I couldn't meet Eleanor," the woman mused, clearly trying to extract information from Bella.

"Unfortunately Eleanor's medical condition restricts her in many ways," Bella answered like a chess master.

"Yes, perhaps next time," the woman prodded.

"Hopefully," was Bella's response before putting everything away, thanking her, and leaving.

From beginning to end it wasn't even thirty minutes.

I was so proud of her, and said so when she came into the living room.

Alice explained the next meetings would be similar, only with different manufactures, and production of materials should begin in the next year. It was a joy to see her so exuberant, and Bella proud of the role she played in Alice's happiness.

Bella had completed the third meeting as Alice's assistant and the summer was in full swing when I noted that Bella's nervousness had turned into her becoming more and more short-tempered, and when I asked, the couples concurred. Each time I enquired with Bella about how she was feeling and doing, she would not disclose whatever it was, and then would change the topic. Their fourth meeting was approaching when I let everyone, including Carlisle, know that I planned on confronting Bella. With Carlisle's schedule, it resulted in us going up the first weekend of August.

When we were all present and Bella was cooking I started by asking her in my soft caring motherly tone that she had come to appreciate in those first years after our return, "What is it Bella?"

"I'm fine," she answered tersely.

"Clearly you're not," I answered keeping my tone. "You're irritable, grumpy, and short-tempered."

"Jasper telling on me?" she accused.

"Of course not dear," I replied. "Came to my own conclusions. Your face alone gives you away. You've always suggested that your face was an open book. Not to mention that you don't usually respond to my concern for you as if I were attacking you, nor have you previously jumped to the conclusion that Jasper would betray your privacy. So, what's going on?"

"It's dumb," she replied her shoulders slumping and sounding defeated, yet guarded.

"Perhaps," I allowed, "nevertheless, out with it."

"Everyone's home?" she checked.

"Yes," I told her.

"Might as well talk as a family," she grumbled, "rather than pretending that we're having a private conversation."

"If that's your preference, we shall meet you at the table," I agreed, ignoring the tone and the implied accusation.

Getting Jasper's agreement to not interfere with her emotions, but certainly us, if needed, even if it impacted Bella, I sat in my usual chair trying to evaluate once more how this had been building.

When she joined us, it seemed like she had clammed back up.

She was nearly halfway through her meal, when I guessed at her hesitancy, "We all know that you're a very considerate person Bella. We appreciate you not wanting to speak your mind in fear of hurting us, but holding it in isn't working."

Looking at me scornfully, she curtly retorted, "And what if I don't want to?"

All of us stilled shedding our human pretenses, apart from Carlisle, shocked at her retort.

Her anger increased, like she was finally releasing a valve she added, "I have to run everything by you all. I've stopped being my own person. I'm your beard for the human world. If that were not enough, everyone is up in my business, as if I'm some specimen in a lab. I have bodyguards at all times. Edward and I still haven't made it past second base, because we have to talk so fucking much about everything, which is awkward for us both, and thus we often avoid it. Maybe I should just go to one of those frat parties you all wanted me to experience in my freshman year, get blinded drunk, get laid badly by some drunk guy, and live a human life, or maybe I should do something reckless, so I'll be in danger of dying and I can just be a vampire already." By the end she was nearly yelling. Then immediately she put her hand over her mouth in horror, her eyes huge, as if she wished that she could take the words back.

"Don't apologise," Jasper told her sternly.

It took Jasper's words to animate us once more.

Going back over the words, I had no idea what she meant by 'human beard'. Edward, I called for his attention, do you know the term 'human beard'?

He did his slight no thing.

Knowing that the details weren't as important as the sentiment, I put it aside.

Softly and with great tenderness, while I had been mentally conversing with Edward, Carlisle spoke, "This is just one of the many reasons why our secret is kept from humans, and then a quick decision made if revealed. The Volturi keep human employees, and they often don't last long from the strain. I had hoped that giving you more autonomy than the Volturi give their human employees would aid you. Perhaps I was mistaken in this regard. Nevertheless, from my view you are actually handling the strain very well, all things considered.

"Much of the human experience is due to the threat of death. Living in the moment, being reckless, taking risks or the opposite, eating healthy, getting regular exercise, taking calculated risks are all a part of being human, especially in the individualistic culture you are from. You were raised to believe that your life is your own. For many human raised this way, since they know that their life, at most, is one hundred years, they make many of the choices you are threatening or choose the opposite direction, like I described. There is a freedom in that, which we do not have. If we make a choice, like killing James' coven, then someone might in two-hundred years seek retribution. Our decisions have long-term consequences both as an individual and to each other, as you saw with Victoria. Another of our kind could target Rosalie for something Jasper did back when he fought in the Southern Wars. Additionally, when we are turned everything becomes increased, including our emotions; we are slow to trust and quick to want vengeance. Thus, as Cullens, we consider our actions in light of these truths.

"In our family a couple might go and take some time apart from the rest in order to have more privacy that us being together allows, but we stay in touch regularly, and then return together. Actually, Alice joining the family has allowed us more freedom, as she can see through her visions if there's a threat and thwart it, even if we are not completely together. As you know, Alice's visions of you are less reliable than of us. Then, there's the simple reality that you are more likely to be harmed than us. Our family might act like humans, and so deceive you into thinking that we are like a human family with a weird diet, but it is a lie Bella. We are not human, and thus act and choose in ways that do not fit your worldview."

By the end of his speech tears were running down her face.

"Are you doubting that becoming a Cullen is worth it for you?" I asked needing to know how much these feelings and thoughts were impacting her future considerations.

She looked at each of us and seemed, perhaps for the first time, to be really weighing her choices with the wisdom these few years had given her.

Then, softly as if loathed to voice her thoughts, she asked, "How can I really weigh these things?" Taking a breath, and with more tears added, "I cannot say what it is to be a vampire until I am one. Even with your stories, it is not the same. I cannot say what it is like to live with a burning throat or a desire to massacre innocents, simply because they smell enticing. Will those costs be worth being a member of your family? I believe so. However, as great as being a part of your family has been, and as great as you all are, my vision of you has changed. You don't shine like demi-gods in comparison to when I first met you. All this hard work on myself has allowed me to see that my view of you all was heavily coated in my own lack, stemming from my parents, envy of what you presented, and my own childishness in seeing your care for one another as a fairytale from a human perspective, rather than it being for mutual survival. And although I love Edward irrevocably being with him comes at a heavy price at the moment, and I'm not even turned yet."

"I thought you didn't want children," Rosalie put in after some silence.

"And I still don't," Bella told her. "It's not about that. It's about the hard work of negotiating a relationship with someone born at the turn of the 1900s. It sounds great and romantic, especially as much as I have immersed myself into literature. A part of me relishes in the idea. There are so many things that I like about Edward's ways that modern men don't do, but then there's a ton others that he doesn't that modern men would."

"You talking about sex?" Emmett checked.

"Yes," Bella answered with a blush, "and other things."

"We all have agreed for you to become a vampire, and Esme and I certainly believe that the closer to thirty you are the better, but it also seems like the situation is no longer working for you," Carlisle pointed out. "Let's start with what you want."

After a long silence, she answered, "I need time to think about that."

"Fair enough," he concurred on behalf of us all, "and we will do the same."

"Agreed," she uttered. "Excuse me." Then, she went to her room and got ready for bed, avoiding eye contact with us all as she went.

Jasper looked concerned and was probably running risk analyses, but everyone else looked upset and flabbergasted.

"No accusations or insults," I warned them by tone letting them know that this was non-negotiable. "This is no one's fault. We are not going to place blame, even with ourselves. There was a risk this day would come by allowing her to grow older and learn more about herself and the world. We knew the possibility and weighed it worth the risk for her and our long-term benefit."

Each responded with a "yes, ma'am," except Jasper who still appeared to be calculating and Carlisle who simply squeezed my hand in encouragement.

After almost an hour of uncomfortable silence, each one of us lost in our thoughts, Emmett blurted out, "What's a human beard?"

We all shrugged or shook our heads no. Guess I wasn't the only one lost on that turn of phrase.

"The Google was no help," Emmett announced after looking at his phone sounding disgruntled.

"Any objections to Bella being turned after her graduation from college or even sooner?" I asked everyone.

Rosalie looked sad and in a small voice said, "No, she's old enough now."

Edward's chest rumbled, but he said nothing and then shook his head, no doubt answering someone's question.

"Jasper?" I dared to ask.

"I'd rather have an angry newborn than for the family to lose her. We are too bound to her to let her go," he answered curtly and with a warning in his tone.

Rosalie threw daggers at him with her looks.

"Rosalie's all about choice, and I get that, but she already chose. There's no going back," Emmett said softly and with sadness coating his words.

"I share Jasper's opinion," Alice added.

We all looked at Edward.

"You know my opinion, but if being separated from her was painful before, I don't think that I could withstand the pain with all the ways we are closer," Edward stated clearly trying to sound detached, but his heartbreak was clear.

"I don't know how to weigh my belief in a person's ability to choose, particularly a woman, with the likelihood that losing her would destroy our family," I confessed.

Carlisle took a deep breath and uttered softly, "I am in the same quandary as Esme. Both options contain an element that requires me to betray my values and thus myself. I already compromised more than I am comfortable in my agreement to change her, even if she were physically healthy."

Even our votes demonstrated how Bella might splinter the family. She might not fully understand, but all of my conversations with her were intended to help her ease into being a vampire and a Cullen. I wasn't trying to restrict her or smother her, and the possibility that she was experiencing that was excruciating.

Edward's head fell closer to his chest and he uttered softly as if loathed to do so, "I have been moving too slow for her liking. I've been not having the conversations Esme recommended and generally being yellow-bellied out a combination of fear and my original beliefs. I suspect that my reluctance and actions have implanted the idea that our promises are empty, although that was not my intention."

Everyone reacted by growling at him, and then Jasper's faux calm covered us all.

"You knew that you couldn't drag your heels here, Edward," I accused him, furious.

"I know," he replied even more sorrowful.

Realising how I had broken my own request, and looking at everyone, I decided that we needed a break.

I apologise Edward. That was uncalled for and simply a manifestation of my own fears and self-recriminations. Forgive me.

He offered me his affirmative.

"What's done is done," I told them. "Let us spend the rest of the night hours considering the options available to us."

Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward left immediately.

Alice whispered, "She has been waffling since the second meeting she did on my behalf. Although Edward without doubt holds much of the responsibility, I cannot help but think that I owe some. I should have at least talked to her about it sooner, or you. I apologise. Without my visions to guide me I was afraid to mention it. Not to mention that doing so would make it more real. I was afraid of swaying her into wanting to remain human, but not wanting to go back to my old patterns. I was stuck and chose to wait and see."

"Forgiven," I told her, which Carlisle repeated. "And I am proud of you for not using your visions, despite the huge temptation and stakes. This is not ideal, but I agree that reverting to your old patterns would have likely created more damage and undone much of the trust we've built with her."

"Yes, well done, Alice," Carlisle collaborated.

"Thanks," she said, "but I still am upset."

"Doing the right thing isn't a fix," Carlisle told her softly his eyes gentle.

She stilled, seeming to internalise that information, and curled herself into Jasper.

Carlisle and I went to the living room and snuggled in together.

The sun was peeking over the horizon when I broke our silence, "There have been great joys in having her human these years, and she has filled in part of me that could not have been expressed and soothed any other way, but the pain is equally as intense, if not more so. Despite my gratefulness, I do not want to go through this again."

"Bella is a strange exception to so many things, including having practically no fear of us and the lovely way that she sees us," Carlisle mused, "and my sentiments are the same. She has brought immeasurable joy and also worry and strain. We are all the better for her presence, though."

"We are," I had to agree after some thought.

The idea of losing her caused my chest to feel like it was being cracked in two. For better or worse, the pain made it clear to me that I never wanted to get close to a human again like I had Bella, not for their sake, but for mine.

"You know when mothers give birth the experience is fervently painful, but then once the baby is in their arms, they all but forget the pain. Maybe that is the blessing of being human. Their bodies were designed to alter memories. This pain I'm experiencing even at the idea that I might lose her, I can't alter it. Sure, I can choose not to dwell on it. I can allow it to be in the background or stored in my mind, so that I have to spend time finding it."

At my last words Carlisle chuckled knowing how he did that on occasion.

"But we are incapable of the memory distortions humans possess. I don't usually envy that aspect of humanity, but it would be nice right about now."

"Bella might not understand, but what you are describing is only one of the myriad of ways that mark our fundamental differences," Carlisle uttered softly. He then paused deliberately as to collect his thoughts before continuing, "And you shouldn't envy them. Our memory is a blessing, especially as we get older. Furthermore, attachment comes the risk of pain. Tanya and the girls still miss Sasha. Like you were describing memories, we can push that pain into a place where it is not in our primary thoughts, but it leaves a mark. We have been blessed to not experience that kind of scaring, but we might. It seems like no life on this planet is without upset and pain, and often it seems like these experiences are the tools God uses to forge us into the creature we were created to be."

Vibrating discontent in my chest, I said nothing, even though he was probably right. Didn't mean that I liked it.

When Bella was heard starting her day the couples reappeared joining us in the living room, while Edward stayed in his room.

"Let's reconvene after I get myself some breakfast," Bella told us as she opened her door. "I asked for my morning shift off, so I have until class."

"Sounds good," I replied on behalf of us all at a volume that she hopefully heard.

She only made herself some toast and a glass of orange juice, so it didn't take long before we were all at the table once more.

She looked at each of us lovingly and then Jasper sent out her feelings. Then, she straightened herself up and told us, "I'm better at it, but I'm like Charlie, not so great at finding words to talk about the mushy stuff. It's part of the cause of the problems between Edward and I, but that's not the point." Clearly agitated with herself, she took some bites of toast, a deep breath, and then spoke once more. "I love each of you, and don't want to hurt you, so forgive me if what I'm about to say does."

Taking a brief pause, she told us, "My mother is fun and exciting and silly and a child at times. As a result, I often fell into the role of caretaker. She teases me that I was born thirty, but I have to wonder how much of my lack of childish behaviour has to do with her rather than me. There's no way to say, and I'm not sure it really matters, but what does matter is that when I arrived at Forks living with Charlie was a breeze.

"For the first time I got to be a kid. Instead of watching out for my mother, I got to focus on me. I can see now how I was acting out, being rebellious, and flirting with danger could have been due to me finally being able to. The more that Edward warned me, the more mysterious he was, the more I wanted to figure him out. When I met all of you, it was like walking into all that I had dreamed and hoped for as a child living with Renée. Esme and Carlisle, you both really are incredible people and parents. I got siblings and fun and laughter. In one swoop, I got all the great things about Renée without any of the burdens.

"Ironically, it has been helping Alice that has altered that image. Those things are still true, and I do still see you all that way, but I have begun to see other things that were hidden from me before. The biggest part is that you all are expert liars. You lie to convince everyone you interact with that you're human and not apex-predators. You build foundations and help the world, but it's all a part of the subterfuge. Because you are not human, but wish to live around them, this is what is required. I get that; I do. There's two parts in this awareness that I'm struggling with. One, if I continue to choose to become a vampire, then I will be doing the same. For someone like me who loathes lying, it's hard to imagine my life full of it. The second, there's a chance that with you all having at least a century worth of becoming experts at lies, subterfuge, and smokescreens, I'm wondering how much of what I see about each of you and the family is true."

By the end her tears were beginning to flow.

Rosalie looked crestfallen while her tone was irritated, "I don't tell my story to anyone. I don't live with humans. And I certainly don't share my life or husband with them. We might not exhibit all of our speed or other vampire attributes when you're here, but our home has always been the only place where we are ourselves. We might put on our masks when we leave, but not here. And it's insulting that you would even contemplate otherwise. I told you this life isn't great, but you wouldn't listen. You were sure of yourself and what you were getting into. And what? Now that your rose-coloured glasses are being taken off, you're having doubts? Put on your big girl panties and suck it up.

"What now that you can see that our lives are not a fairytale you want to run away and find one somewhere else? I hate to break it to you: there are no fairytales. My human life, most would consider, came close to perfection, to a storybook, and you know what? It was callous and empty and shallow and full of the fake shit you call lies. You come from this generation where you imagine yourself as an independent person, and I'll take that over women being property any day, but just as your mother's choices impacted you, your choices impact others. Accept it, deal with it, or be a coward and flip us off and walk away now that things have gotten tough.

"You know what you've taught me? No life is perfect. I might wish that I could have had kids, but you're right. Even humans can't have kids at times. And my life with Emmett has its own downsides, the burn in my throat probably at the top, but in exchange for a hundred years of being with him with little worry of him getting hurt or dying. I have decided that it's a small price to pay. You did that. And what? Now you want to spread your wings from us? You want to be your own person? What the fuck Bella?" she spat angrily.

By the end of Rosalie's rant Bella was sobbing heavily and her mouth was a little open like she was either surprised or had started to speak and the words got caught.

"Let's take a break," I told everyone.

"No," Bella refuted between breaths.

We all looked at her confused, even Alice, which meant that she wasn't using her gift to check outcomes. I was so proud of her and would mention it later.

Carlisle got up and returned with some tissues while I put my hand on her arm in comfort and support.

She blew her nose, wiped her eyes, and took some deep breaths. We gave her the floor.

"Thanks, Rose," Bella said softly looking at the table and then looked at Rosalie squarely and added, "I love you too."

Rose smiled slightly and nodded her head before leaning into Emmett's chest.

"As usual, Rose is right," Bella chuckled. "The more and more I become a part of your lives, and especially in presenting myself as Alice's assistant, it seems like I'm removing myself from the human world also. It's just so hard to watch my peers and compare it to the life I've chosen. I love you all. The pain of losing you before was more than I could bear, and my life without you would be like asking me to return to a black and white silent film after living in a 3-D surround sound world. I've spent a lot of time thinking and I do still want to become a vampire, but I can't do this for much longer. It's like I live in a no-man's land by being neither. The living in-between has become a huge strain. And, honestly, the rest of what's going on with me is between Edward and I."

Since no one but Rose had spoken, I looked at the rest of them in turn, encouraging them subtly to speak candidly.

"My temperament is much like Rose's," Jasper began speaking solemnly and his accent thick. "I am slow to trust. From the beginning I have loathed the risk you knowing our nature has meant to the family and to me. I have ended the life of many humans for information far less consequential than you have. Yet, here you are. Even more, we have begun to know each other as people. Without doubt I will be glad to have you a vampire. But do not believe that me permitting you this time of your growth is anything other than an act of care and a reflection of the meaning you hold to this family and me. If it were any other human, I would have either killed you or turned you and suffered the family's wrath after the fact."

Bella appeared a little shell shocked by his brutal truths.

She was only just beginning to right herself when Emmett spoke. "I hold you as one of my own, and my true sister, human or not. The idea that you were struggling with something and didn't confide in me is hurtful. And I am your bodyguard because I don't want to risk the chance of losing you. Even if you don't like it, it's bound to continue for a few years after your turning, as you won't be safe around humans. This is how I show my love, and for you to take it as anything else is hurtful."

Before Bella could even form words, Alice added, "I knew you were struggling, but was afraid to ask. I wish helping me hadn't caused you so much internal turmoil. Even still, I won't apologise for asking for your help. You've been amazing, and I'm glad it's shown you more about what it means to be a Cullen."

Edward caught my eye and shook his head no. Without doubt he and Bella would talk privately.

"You have met all of our basic conditions, Bella," Carlisle told her. "Our request for you waiting was a hope for the benefit of all our sake, but clearly the cost to you is too high, which is contrary to the intent. Consequently, when are you thinking?"

"After graduation," she answered her tone slightly detached as she looked around the table her eyes glazed.

"Objections?" I asked the group.

Edward appeared distraught, but voiced nothing.

"We are agreed," Carlisle stated.

It took Bella a few minutes before she smiled nervously, and told us, "Thank you, and I'm sorry for not talking about this earlier. I just didn't know even my own thoughts for a while, and then once I did, I didn't have the words to tell you all. And I am sorry for the pain not doing so has caused. I feel bad about it."

"You have to keep in mind that we're learning too," I told her. "We left Forks after your birthday without checking in with you, making our own assumptions, all of which we've talked about. But what maybe you failed to consider is that what you're experiencing as restriction and us wanting to talk everything through with you is us trying to not repeat what happened before. Maybe we took it too far, and we can certainly discuss that as well, but it is not an act of restriction. Instead, it is an act of us demonstrating our love for you, and trying to show you that we learned our lesson."

Everyone bar Edward agreed, while he curled a little into himself in shame.

You are forgiven. No reason to be ashamed. You're learning also, I reminded him.

Whether he heard me or not I couldn't tell, as he gave no response.

Bella's eyes met mine and she mumbled, "I hadn't thought about it that way."

"Maybe our attempts at inclusion went too far, but we are trying to learn you, include you, and adjust to fit you into our dynamics, while also teaching you about how we live in a human world," I told her in love.

She nodded a few times and then took tissues to clear her eyes and nose. Then, she stood up and hugged me before sitting back down.

After a minute she added, "I guess I still need to learn to speak up sooner when things begin to bother me, even if I don't have the words yet. It just is a lot, especially in comparison to my peers."

"But you're leaving them behind," Emmett pointed out sounding confused.

She looked down. "Maybe it's a human thing."

"It's your stage of development," Jasper put in. "If you stayed human longer, you would eventually come to see that these comparisons are meaningless."

Bella looked at him as if studying him closely. After a minute she stated, "Guess that I can't be independent and compare myself to others."

"You're choosing your own path," Jasper told her, "and it is one that includes interdependence. Many humans, especially of your generation would probably reject your choices, but they are yours. No one in this house has imposed upon you. You might not fully comprehend what you're choosing, and maybe you're getting it at a deeper level, but we've never hidden the truth from you. If anything, you've hidden the truth of our lives from yourself."

Her eyes did not leave his as he spoke, and then stayed as if hypnotised by him. They remained like this for many long minutes as we all became statuesque wondering what he was doing. Then, for no apparent reason he blinked and the connection was lost.

Bella looked at the table and in a solemn voice promised, "I'll work on it."

There was a brief silence of acceptance before Emmett asked, "Care to explain a human beard?"

Her cheeks pinkened a little as she spoke, "So, a beard is usually a girl who marries a guy who is gay to allow the world to think that he's straight, when actually he's not. She is the beard. You're using me like that."

We all looked taken back by her assertion.

"Ah Baby Bell, you don't have to, you know?" Emmett voiced before anyone could speak. "You volunteered. We didn't ask you to do that."

She smiled at him while her countenance was sad. "I do it though. Angela and Ben became friendly with Edward and Alice because I sat there. Maybe it's a species thing. I don't know."

"Is this why you didn't want us in your classes?" Alice asked.

"Yes," she answered reluctantly. Then after a minute added, "You guys can't help it, but when you're in a space you draw all the attention to you. It was my way of getting the human experiences you all asked me to have."

Jasper appeared like puzzle pieces in his head were slitting together, and he was beginning to get a hint of truly grasping her for the first time.

"And I knew I was offering to be Alice's beard," Bella put in. "It's just been harder than I imagined and opened my eyes in ways that have caused my head to spin."

"Well, Bella, you're no one's beard here," Emmett teased. "Alice would find a way without you. You just make things smoother. Your reserved nature and approach balances her."

Bella smiled. "Being a beard isn't a bad thing or an insult. It has just forced me to pretend to strangers. Lying to Charlie about my whereabouts seems like a typical teenager thing. Lying to company owners about who Alice and I really are is another thing altogether." Looking at Alice, she said, "I'm not complaining. I get the false names and bogus passports. It's not bad, just rocked my world."

Alice then started talking about her business and checked in that Bella still wanted to help. They worked through some details before Bella had to go.

"Let's talk when you get back," Edward told her.

"Yes, let's," she agreed as she left.

Once she was down the road, I asked Edward, "Want to talk about it?"

He looked at each of us and asked with sadness, "How have you all done it? Change so much, I mean. Even with my gift I cannot understand."

"You think too much," Emmett stated jokingly and then huffed turning serious. "You just do it. You stand on the edge of the cliff and decide and then go. You're trying to slowly descend the cliff. That's going to take too long if you're going to keep up with Bella."

Edward looked appalled.

"I would not have phrased it quite that way," Carlisle said, "but I agree with Emmett in essence." No doubt adding something mentally.

"Is she worth it?" Rosalie asked him, her tone soft and gentle.

"Yes," Edward replied fervently.

"Then take the risk, even though it terrifies you," she told him.

He nodded in acknowledgement. "I'm going to go hunt before class," he told us.

"Don't think so much," Emmett yelled loudly and then chuckled.

Rosalie turned to Jasper, "What were you doing to Bella in your staring contest?"

He stilled like he was uncomfortable with her question, then he looked up and stared at her in a similar way that he had Bella for only a few moments.

"Wow," she uttered.

And then he repeated it with Emmett, then Carlisle, and when he got to me asked, "You sure?"

"Yes, please," I replied uncertain of his warning.

When our eyes connected I had the sensation of falling into him. Then, it was like he showed me the rawness of his feelings about me, and then it was like I was looking at a mirror seeing my emotional self. When I came back into the room it was disorientating.

"Thank you," I told him, having no other words to articulate how meaningful him showing himself to me was for me.

He tipped an imaginary hat to me.

"Our lure plus a bit of your gift?" Carlisle hypothesised.

Jasper shrugged.

I looked at Carlisle and made it clear in my expression to stop asking.

Carlisle looked abashed and nodded at me.

"Did it help Bella?" Rosalie asked him.

"Not sure," Jasper answered, "but it was worth trying. She's conflicted between her choices and what she's observing. According to all the psychology classes I've taken and other things I've read, this is typical for this stage of human development, but it doesn't serve us, and we can't afford to have her waiver. As Emmett stated, she's already chosen."

Carlisle and I clearly didn't agree, nor did Rosalie, but we weren't going to get into it. As long as Bella wasn't asking to remain human, the conversation was mute and not worth getting into in my opinion.

Carlisle and I retreated to the room set aside for our rare visits. On the way, I squeezed Jasper's shoulder sending him my feelings towards him.

Carlisle and I comforted each other and allowed each other to find assurances in our touch and intimate knowledge of each other's bodies. When we re-orientated ourselves from our embrace the sun had set and no one could be heard to be home other than Edward and Bella.

"I should be apologising too, Edward," I heard Bella say. "I'm as much at fault."

"Well, no more," he stated. "Is there anything we have yet to discuss that we need to?"

"No," she answered.

Her heart was beating faster than usual, which I took as a sign of anticipation. Her heart rate accelerated even more, and he was clearly kissing her.

By the time Carlisle and I got dressed and were leaving via our balcony, Edward asked her, "Bedroom?"

"Yes, please," she answered.

"Well, that's progress," Carlisle muttered sounding slightly uncomfortable.

"It's for the best, my dear Dr. Cullen," I teased.

"Yes, and I'm happy for them," he agreed, "but I'll be calmer once she's turned. I just worry about it while she's human."

"One more reason in support of our agreement for her to be turned after graduation," I reminded him.

"Indeed," he agreed.

"And please let your curiosity about what Jasper did drop," I requested. "He rarely exposes his abilities beyond helping the emotional atmosphere of the house."

"I didn't know we could use our lure on other vampires," Carlisle told me. "I'm going to spend some time in my memories of Volterra. I suspect that all the kings had mastered something similar to what Jasper did. It just unsettled me, Miss Platt."

"Puzzle all you want," I told him, "just please remind yourself how much it takes for Jasper to open himself up."

"Of course," he answered with a smile and a kiss.

When we returned to the house about sunrise, Bella was asleep and Edward was in his room.

As a way of showing her how much she meant to me, I made food for Bella, and Carlisle joined me.

An hour later she came down dressed for work. There was no sign of bruising and she seemed happy.

"We're heading back to Forks, so I made food for you," I told her.

"Thanks, Esme," she told me.

"I love you," I told her, "and you are my daughter. Nothing about my feelings and care for you is a lie."

She nodded smiling slightly at me. "I know that somewhere inside of me. My insides are spinning too fast at the moment, but I know you love me Esme."

"Good," I told her. "Talk to your siblings."

She smiled broadly, chuckled, and replied, "Yes, ma'am."

"Have a good day," I told her as she left, and she waved back.

As Carlisle and I drove back to Forks, he tried to explain to me that her demeanour had simply been an expression of how humans felt when they learned information that upset their understanding of the world. His words, although clear, did little to soothe my worry at losing her.

By the time of our next visit, it was obvious that they had all talked through things, as there was more warmth and calmness in the house than it had been for over a year. Blessedly, her and Edward were also being more demonstrative. It was a good sign, in my opinion.

For her birthday we bought her activities that would be more enjoyable as a human than once she was turned. Emmett got her skydiving. Rosalie got her hang gliding. Jasper got her fire arms training and practice. Alice got her a three day spa treatment. Edward got her a trip to Las Vegas, so she could try all the food and take in the shows. Reminiscent of her eighteenth birthday, Carlisle and I got her open tickets to spend one more time with her mother. Immediately, the plans began of when Bella would do each one.

Our gifts seemed to ease whatever last pieces of the conversation had remained within her and had given her comfort. Maybe having something tangible that her becoming a vampire was actually approaching helped her. Perhaps Jasper's eye contact thing combined with whatever internal work she promised to do had aided her. Or there was always the chance that her and Edward becoming more intimate made all the difference. Nonetheless, her previous grumpy behaviours ended and she seemed to have settled into an even more mature way than before.

As Christmas was upon us once more Edward proposed and Bella accepted. When they told the family, Bella said that they agreed the summer after graduation, so that her family could attend. A year and a half away seemed like a long time, given Edward's physical intimate restrictions, and Bella's wants.

"I'll alter my species status after the honeymoon," she told us.

Bella expressed her worries about us being able to all show our expectant age at the wedding, but Alice assured her that the right clothing and hair styles would allow us to get away with it.

When I got a moment alone with Edward he expressed that they'd come to a fair compromise, and even though she would be turned, he was assured enough that she wasn't choosing to be a vampire recklessly.

Positively, Bella responded similarly to Edward, letting me know that is was a fair compromise. Even better, she seemed appreciative of me asking.

I could not have been prouder of them both.

We agreed as a family to meet once a month even if it was briefly or over the phone to make sure nothing unspoken was arising. Our commitment to Bella in this way seemed to also aid her, even if they annoyed her at times.

At the New Year's meeting I started off by telling the family, "I think we should present ourselves as siblings living together as we are orphaned or something. Carlisle, Rosalie, and Jasper could easily be related and we, their spouses. Then, Edward could be my brother."

They all looked at each other looking relieved as well as pleased.

"Objections?" Carlisle checked.

When there was none, I proceeded to show them my living design, which was a large house, appearing to humans that had been divided into four separate spaces. "We need to discuss if we want soundproofing or not, since we now know the technology works."

After some conflicted conversation Jasper put in, "How about enough for private conversations, but not true proofing. That way we gain more privacy, while also allowing any emergency to be known by all?"

It was something everyone could agree upon.

The longest discussion was our new surnames. Eventually we agreed upon Carlisle, Alice Jasper, and I being Platt, Rosalie and Emmett being McCarthy, and Edward and Bella being Masen.

Carlisle agreed to start looking for his next position with the new name, once Jasper had it ready.

After much discussion it was agreed that the aging process might not be ready for this next location, so we planned on being there eight to ten years.

The rest of the family business had been the standard fair.

Bella had definitely decided on applying for a doctorate program in Chemistry. The hope was that we would be that we would start after her doctorate and have the aging capacity by the time she graduated.

In February Carlisle and I came up on a whim. When we arrived no one was home, but Edward and Bella. Sounds of them enjoying each other's bodies were clear. Carlisle and I smiled at each other pleased to hear the sweet murmurings of endearment and passion as we ran away to give Edward privacy.

For Spring Break Edward and Bella met up with her mother and Phil in Chicago where Phil was playing an away game. She seemed satisfied with her time with her mother and their correspondence dwindled even more, despite the upcoming wedding the next year.

Each time Bella did one of the gifts from her twenty-second birthday we all went and enjoyed watching her experiences.

Her senior year was a challenge for Bella academically, but she managed to ace her classes while also assisting Alice from time to time.

She still had moments when the adjustment to being a Cullen would get to her, but when that would happen, she would talk it through with someone, often me or Rosalie, and we would make adjustments if needed.

When her birthday came, we asked what she would like for her last human birthday, and she requested a room at a restaurant where there was dancing. She invited people from school and danced with all the Cullen men. She seemed to have a great time.

By our New Year's meeting in 2011 Carlisle had found a position in Worcester, Massachusetts, and Bella had been accepted to MIT, Clark University, and Columbia University. She chose MIT to stay near Carlisle's position as well as the opportunity it afforded her personally. Charlie told everyone in town.

I had bought some land and we ultimately decided for me to build a housing development of four houses, as Bella suggested that might be an easier sell for the neighbours.

In June they all graduated together, but we were honestly most proud of Bella. She had kept her own, and that was really saying something.

After the graduation and all the guests had departed, we sat down as a family. The monthly check-ins had ended up being almost unnecessary, but it created the space for everyone to air grievances.

"Last time we checked Bella, the plan was to have the wedding, be gone with Edward for the rest of the summer, then ask MIT for a year's leave, and tell your friends and family that you and Edward are going to travel for the year. Then, assuming your bloodlust is controlled enough, start your studies at MIT the following Fall," I surmised.

"Yes," she agreed.

"And I have agreed with her plan of using a needle to insert my venom," Edward put in.

"I shall research the quantity and the material to withstand our venom," Carlisle offered. After a pause he checked, "To the heart?"

"We thought one to the heart and one to the femoral artery," Edward stated.

Their agreement on this issue had lifted a huge burden from Carlisle and I was grateful to them both.

"Your friends and family?" Jasper asked.

"I'm hoping that with limited contact over the year of travel explained by lack of access and being occupied," Bella answered. "My friends from college are none that I would stay in contact with. I barely message Angela anymore. Renée and I haven't connected in at least three months. Charlie and I exchange grunts occasionally. The only real complication is the Quileutes. They are unlikely to buy the story, and will guess at the truth, especially as I asked them to allow the exception."

"Will they break their silence and say something to Charlie?" Jasper pressed.

"No," Bella answered her voice sad. "If him marrying Sue and moving to the reservation revealed nothing, my year travelling will certainly not."

Jasper seemed content enough with her answers.

"How are you about it all?" I asked her.

"Nervous," she answered with a sad smile. "I am no longer a child. The cost you all warned me about I can see more clearly than before. It will be hard without a doubt. This life I'm living and the form in which I dwell will die. It's a heady thing to think about. But I've counted the costs, and decided it to be what I want for my life. I don't want to lose any of you, and Edward and I are wonderful together after all of our hard work. The price is steep, but nothing in life is free."

Rosalie smiled brightly at her. "I'm glad you waited, as much as I am looking forward to having you a vampire."

Emmett teased about wrestling. Alice talked about high heel shoes.

It was wonderful to see it as her becoming a permanent family member. Maybe it was a little bit like going from fostering a child to adopting one. Either way, I was glad for what was approaching.

In July, we had the wedding, as per Bella's request, on our property with Reverend Webster marrying the couple. It was tense at times, but the Quileutes, humans, and us, including the Denalis, all seemed to co-exist in the space for the few hours without any altercations. At a family meeting we had voted about the Denalis and decided that it would harm our relationship with them to not include them, and hoping that Edward and Bella getting married would protect them if the Volturi were to find out. Irena chose not to come, as she didn't think she could be in close proximity with the Quileutes, as she was still upset about Laurent. Despite the guest list and underlying tensions, it had been a beautiful affair.

Carlisle had already given in his notice and the house was shut up until we would live here again, assuming we could find a way to repair the damage Bella's change might have with the tribe. A few days after Edward and Bella had left for their honeymoon we officially left Forks and moved across the country. According to Jasper, our digital trail showed Carlisle and I going abroad with Doctors Without Borders and the rest of the couples getting jobs. Evidently, if Charlie ever ran a background check, there would be no concerns. The only hiccup was that he would never lay eyes on us again.

We were in New York state when Carlisle got a strange call from Bella. "Edward has been stone and unresponsive for more than five minutes. I'm growing concerned."

"Has anything happened to surprise him?" he asked in his doctor tone. "He'll appear statuesque if he's struggling to process information."

She paused a moment, took a deep breath, and then told him, "I think I'm pregnant."

"Then, you will need to return," he stated. "Come to the Massachusetts home."

"You talk to Edward, while I pack," she told him.

"Tell her that I'll book the flight," I told Carlisle and then proceeded to call the airlines.

Carlisle relayed the message to Bella before she put the phone down, and then he proceeded to comfort Edward and tell him that the family would support them.

When Edward spoke his voice was strained, "We'll see you soon."

They were off the island and heading back by the time that I called him with their flight information.

It was decided for just Carlisle and I to greet them at the airport. They both looked tense.

You are not in this alone, I reminded Edward. Trust in your family and our love.

Simultaneously, I wrapped my arm around Bella, and asked, "How were your flights?" hoping to get her mind off her worries.

"Uneventful," was her answer, but she looked dead on her feet.

"Did you not sleep?" I wondered.

"Not really," she told me.

We went to the baggage claim, collected their belongings, and went to the car.

"Let me sit in the back with Bella," I instructed.

Edward slumped defeated, but did not object.

It was less than five minutes after she had placed her head in my lap and I had been running my hand through her hair that she seemed to drift off.

"Has she been eating and getting enough fluids?" Carlisle asked, sounding concerned.

"Not since the news," Edward reported, and then explained, "She rarely eats enough when she's experiencing any strong emotion. Thus, it's normal for her, but she needs sleep, food, and liquids."

"Perhaps talking it through as a family will help," I suggested.

Edward looked over beseechingly at Carlisle appearing like a lost little boy, "You said it wasn't a possibility."

Carlisle's posture sagged. "I was wrong, and cannot apologise enough."

Carlisle must have thought something, because Edward asked, "Does he know more?"

"He will explain all that he knows," Carlisle affirmed.

"There was a native woman who stocked the house and her tribe had stories of incubuses. The images in her mind were horrible," Edward told us and then shuddered. "The creatures tear their way out of the mother's womb killing her in the process and look like the most demonic expressions of evil known to humans. She thought I was an incubus, the most deplorable of all cold ones." His body quivered and it was clear that he was overwhelmed with fear and grief.

Taking my hand away from Bella and putting it on Edward's arm, I assured him, "Any male that rapes a woman is deplorable. But think about the Denalis. They are the female version and leave the human men they bed happy and none the worse off. We have to separate the truth from the legends, clearly intended as a warning. The Quiluete warnings are their true history, but that doesn't mean the stories apply to us."

"Try to not have your fear rule you," Carlisle pleaded.

It was asking a lot of Edward and of us, honestly, but I reminded him, You aren't the teenager you were. You have learned to face fear rather than run from it. Trust in yourself, in Bella, and in the family.

Then I repeated the same sentence over and over. At some point I wasn't sure if it was for Edward or for me.

A/N: I want to thank my beautiful and wonderful fans or inspiring me through our conversations since the last posting. You shaped this chapter into something far richer than I had created originally. Thank you for all your notes and support.