One shot set Season 2 Episode 25 - before she yelled at Derek and said 'I'm not Meredith Grey', when she speaks to Derek's patient parents, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas.
The first part is dialogues of the scene so you guys can get a little context, copyright to the writer of the episode.
I'll add three dots when my own writing comes after the Grey's Anatomy dialogues :)
"Mr. Mrs. Thomas," Addison said entering the patient's room, clearly bothered by something, "Doctor Shepherd asked me to talk to you about your daughter and her pregnancy."
"We've made up our mind, she's having the baby," Kendra's dad said, determined.
Addison looked into the parents eyes, and said kindly, "I know Kendra meant the world to you and I know the terrible grief you must be going through right now, but from a medical standpoint this is a very bad idea."
"Well, If we would've wanted your opinion Miss, we'd ask for it," Mr. Thomas said.
"It's just… We love our daughter. Please try to understand," Mrs. Thomas said in a kinder and lighter tone than her husband.
Derek's pained face said it all, his features looked sad and Addison's remained strong but not as strong as always. It was sad, depressing even, and Addison was not having a good day, this case wasn't going to make it any brighter.
"I do understand. I do. You think if you love her enough or love her baby enough, that it will keep her close to you, but… she's already gone. And if you move forward with this you're risking… I mean, if Kendra were to contract an infection she could pass it on to the fetus, it could cause brain damage…" Addison spoke.
"We're taking our chances!" Kendra's father interrupted, growing angrier.
"They keep organ donors alive after they're gone, why not Kendra?" Mrs. Thomas asked.
"Organ donors aren't kept alive for six months. Your daughter is brain dead, she can't regulate body temperature, hormone output, these things are very important for a fetus," Addison replied to the married couple, holding her impulse to kill Derek at that very moment.
"You guys can regulate this stuff right?" Mr. Thomas asked, looking in between the Shepherds back and forth.
"We… could try," Addison replied.
"Well, then try dammit! What the hell's the problem here?!"
"The problem here as I see is that you wanna use your daughter's corpse as an incubator! That's the problem!" Addison exploded.
"Excuse us," Derek said in between Addison's yelling, apologizing to the patient's parents as he grabbed her by the waist, getting her out of that room before she made things worse.
They both walked down the hall, Addison in literal anger flames and Derek by her side trying to calm her down from this fieral behavior.
"They just lost their daughter."
"That is my point, Derek. They need to face that. She's not coming back!"
"A little sensitivity would be nice here, okay? They love their daughter, they don't want to let go."
I didn't want to let go either, she thinks.
"What they're doing is not about love, Derek! It's… It's… Well, it's like you."
"Excuse me?"
"Like how you pretend to love me but really you're just using me to fill some need you have to be a good guy."
"Now's not the time to talk about this, we'll talk about this later."
"You walk away, that's all I get?!"
…
"Calm down, please!" Derek said, grabbing her by the wrist, firm enough, walking down the corridor as she kept talking.
"What? What? You're not gonna yell at me? Call me names? Or… I… I don't know, ignore me in an elevator?!" Addison protested as Derek got them both inside an empty elevator that had just arrived, a nurse coming out of it, surprised, "Ironic," Addison commented as Derek let go of her wrist.
As soon as the doors closed, Derek pushed the stop button.
The black haired neurosurgeon sighed, "What do you want from me Addison," He asked, not adding a question mark.
"You're really asking me that?!" She asked furiously, making eye contact with her husband.
"Is this about the case or us," no question mark indeed.
"Us!" Addison yelled, "Do you even care? At all?"
"Would you calm down?!"
"I spoke to Grey. You knew all along about the Vet and Meredith, didn't you?! That's why you had sex with me in that tiny horrendous shower."
"Addison…"
"And now, when I think you want to communicate as we both promised we would, it's about a case! You put on those sad eyes and they believe you, I try not to break down and I'm a cold bitch."
Derek pinched the bridge of his nose and raised his voice at her, "What are you talking about?!"
"Oh, now you're yelling?!"
"You started yelling!"
She scoffed at him and rested her hands on her hips, "What are you gonna call me now, Lucifer? Oh no, this one's better: Lilith!"
Derek rolled his eyes and turned around, "It's impossible to talk to you."
"Did you or did you not know she was dating the vet?!"
"Yes I knew Merdith was dating the vet!" He said, almost yelling, he turned around to face her.
"So you admit you fucked me because you were jealous of Grey and the Vet?!" Addison yelled back.
He nodded his head no, "No."
"Admit it!" She hit him in the arm.
"No," Derek repeated, emotionless.
They both stood there in silence, Addison's angry features melting into numb ones.
"God. It's 1999 all over again," She said, her voice over a whisper.
Derek narrows his eyebrows at his wife, "What's 1999 have to do with any of this? Your bedside manner has never been affected by that before."
"I am human, Derek. I got in there and realized it's the same 1999 battle in my head all over again. They want to keep her alive and make things right with their grandchild. They're full of guilt. Of course I get to break down in front of those awful people, at least for today. Specially today."
"Stop calling them awful, Addison. They're having trouble letting go of their daughter."
"They are awful people."
"Addison…"
"Do not Addison me. What? You validate their grief instead of mine? After all these years, after all that we've been through, you want to get rid of me, you… You'd rather talk to me about work."
"Our grief, Addison."
"Our? Since when? I only remember you working late every single night, you didn't even cry when it was the anniversary of her death. You never cared. I'd bring her up and you'd turn your back on me."
"How dare you say that," he said, hurt by what she had said. She knew just right that the situation hurt him extremely since the first instant it started.
"You promised me we'd work this out."
"You promised a lot of things too."
"Don't bring up Mark, please. I don't have energy for this."
"Was she even my kid? Or I'm missing someone else on the map?"
Addison stared at Derek speechless as a tear ran down her cheek, she brushed it away quickly, taking a deep breath. Even Derek himself was surprised of what he had said, he loved their daughter so much it hurt, seeing Mr. and Mrs. Thomas filled with guilt made him remember when Addison and him were like that.
Indeed 1999 all over again.
1999
.
Derek poured a whiskey for himself and a gin and tonic for his wife. The fireplace was on, the fire warming their living room. Derek grabbed his drink and went back to sit down next to Addison on the carpet, her sad blue-greenish eyes were glued on the fire.
"Here," He said, offering the glass to her, she looked up to him and tried her best to smile a little, but it didn't reach her eyes. She grabbed the glass from him and went back on looking at the fire.
"I keep thinking it was me who killed her," she said, her voice before a whisper, "I should have watched her," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Her free hand holding one of her small yellow socks.
"Addison." Derek said, letting out a long sigh, running a hand through his hair, not liking the sound of this.
"I can't stop thinking about it, Derek," She said, still looking at the fireplace.
Derek placed a hand on her knee, "You didn't do anything."
"Maybe that's what I did," The redhead said, sipping her drink.
"You wouldn't have known."
"I could have tried to revive her," She replied quickly, looking into his eyes for a second and then back to her small sock.
"Would you stop blaming yourself?!" He asked, his voice slightly raised.
"I could have drank another coffee and watched her sleep."
"Addie…" He said, tired of her blaming herself for something she couldn't have done or change, something that they wouldn't know.
She sipped her gin and tonic again, then placed the glass on the floor safely, "I should have let her sleep in my arms that night…"
"Stop it!" He exploded, his wife jumping a little at his tone, "Stop going through all the scenarios because it's not helping!" Derek exclaimed, watching her numb face turn into a sad one, "SIDS can happen to anyone, Addison! It's not our fault, as much as I feel the guilt too, we didn't do anything wrong. She was loved, she was taken care of, she was healthy and so beautiful. Seeing you do this to yourself is killing me!"
Addison swallowed and looked into the fire again.
"Would you say something?"
She nodded her head no.
"Addie please," He said, feeling bad for yelling at her. They were both grieving, so yelling and arguments were not a good idea for the moment.
"She was so tiny," Addison said, stroking the sock, "her little socks… remember when they were too big for her small feet?" she said in awe, smiling slightly as she thought of their child. Suddenly she looked up to his eyes, "I just want her back, Derek," A tear escaped one of her eyes, "I just want her back," and she started crying.
"I know, honey." He said, leaving his drink on the carpet too, and turning towards her to hug her, "I want her back too."
"I love her so much," she gasped as she kept crying, trying to ease her breathing but failing, "I want to hold her so badly," Addison said, hugging tightly onto her husband.
Derek quit holding his own cries and cried on her shoulder as they both held each other, "I know, babe. I know," Derek whispered in her ear, "Let's stay strong for Riley, K?"
Addison breathed, nodding against his shoulder, then when she calmed down a bit, she held Derek to her chest. She caressed his black curls, trying to soothe her husband as he kept crying.
Addison had never seen Derek cry like this before, she hadn't realized how much this affected him. Of course he wasn't okay, they had lost their only and first child, but she hadn't focused on him for even a second. Now she realized how badly he felt, how sad and how bad this affected them both as a family.
At this time a few days back they would be struggling to get their baby girl to sleep, or maybe change Riley's diaper, try to figure out a lullaby to calm her to sleep.
They surely wouldn't know back then that it would be her last cry, her last little smile, her last facial expression, her last babbling, her last laugh, or her last word (even if she only said 'Ma').
Their chests were aching in pain, and their throats hurt from all the severe crying.
Just yesterday they were saying goodbye to their beautiful six month old daughter, and a few days before she had died during her sleep. Derek had found her in the morning, surprised she hadn't woken them up yet, and found the worst he could have ever found.
Their fairytale turned into a horrible nightmare.
They both cried in each other's arms, "Is it ever going to stop hurting?" Addison had asked. Derek kissed her forehead and whispered and "I don't know".
"I miss her little laugh," Derek commented, now he was holding the small yellow sock, smiling slightly, even if it hurt.
"I miss her toes, her tiny hands… her eyes. She had your eyes," Addison said, looking into Derek's eyes, seeing the same beauty she had seen on her daughter's eyes, "At least I can stare at these beautiful blue eyes," she said before he had started crying again.
She held Derek and let him let it all out, joining him after a few seconds.
end flashback...
"I didn't mean that," Derek said softly after a few silent seconds.
"Except you did."
"I didn't," he said, his voice less angry as before, a little sensitive now.
"You're angry, I get it," Addison mutered, looking down to the floor, not wanting to make any eye contact with her husband.
He took a step closer and made her look up at him by grabbing her chin gently, his eyes glossy just like hers, both at the edge of crying, "I'm sorry."
"You don't mean that."
"I do. I swear I do," he said.
"How could you say that about her," Addison said, pushing his hand off her jaw.
Derek tried grabbing her hand but she pushed it away, "Don't touch me."
He looked up to her eyes and blinked, a tear down his cheek, "I did cry when it was her anniversary," He said, watching her eyes shine with hope as he spoke, "I lied that night. I told you I had surgery, but I stayed in my office and cried the whole night, I even prayed she was alright wherever she was. Ask Weiss, he was there."
"I miss her everyday," Derek said after a few silent seconds.
"Derek, we lost a child… like Mr. and Mrs. Thomas. I thought you didn't care back then, almost like you had forgotten, why couldn't you say something?"
"I don't know."
"I just want to know if I should quit, if we're done here," Addison asked, staring at his sad blue eyes, the same eyes she had seen in a hospital in New York, the year 1998, after the worst physical pain she had ever experienced. Except those eyes were smaller and they were on a small girl that slept on her chest. His where there too, watching every movement of the small innocent kid.
"I don't know," Derek said sincerely.
Addison walked to the back of the elevator and rested her back against the wall, running a hand through her red hair.
"She'd be five and three quarters by now," She said, watching her husband walk towards her to surprise her with a tight hug, her mind playing flashbacks of the night after the funeral.
They stood there hugging for a while, she eventually wrapped her arms fully around him, "Do you think we'd be fine if she hadn't…" Derek asked against the fabric of her lab coat.
"I think so," Addison muttered, cutting him off, grabbing onto his shoulders to keep his body near hers, needing the comfort.
"She was beautiful," He said softly.
"Yeah, she was," Addison said, letting go of a harsh breath, feeling the tears forming on her eyes, "Truce?"
"Truce," He said, kissing her cheek and starting to break the hug, but she grabbed him tight and pushed him against her again, hugging him and not letting go.
Addison sniffed, a few tears running down her cheeks, "I'm so sorry."
"Addie…" He whispered in her ear, caressing the back of her head, trying to soothe her.
"It's all my fault."
"It's not your fault, we agreed you'd stop blaming yourself."
"I always screw up, with us, with Riley… Today with Kendra's parents," Addison cried out loud, which was odd considering she barely cried.
"Sh, sh. It's alright," Derek said, kissing her cheek again, now pulling away slightly to let her cry on his chest, patting her back gently, "You didn't screw up."
They stood there a few seconds. Suddenly she pushed away and tried to compost herself, "You're alright?"
"I'm fine." She said, walking to the stop button and pushing it, brushing some tears away from her eyes, glad she had applied waterproof mascara that morning.
"I'm sorry about last night," Derek said as the elevator started moving.
Addison looked down and started playing with her ring, "Did you think about her when you were with me?"
"No."
The redhead nodded, a little relieved because she knew when he was lying, sometimes she was unsure, but now she wasn't, "You were thinking about me?"
"I wasn't really thinking."
"Huh?"
"I was trying hard to make you orgasm, I was sort of… busy."
Addison chuckled, she bit her lip, suddenly her sadness was off her shoulders and a slight blush had appeared on her cheeks, "So it was about us?"
"It was."
"Good," She nodded and smiled shyly at him.
Addison from 1999 would be surprised of 2005 Addison, handling Riley's death with such grace? Unbelievable, she thought.
"I'm still mad at you though."
"Would that go away if we get inside the shower again?" He asked, the doors of the elevator opening.
"Shut up," She said, getting out of the elevator and walking away.
Before the elevator's door closed in front of his face, he reacted and made it out of it, walking quickly to get her, touching her shoulder, causing her to turn around, "Hey, are we okay?" Derek asked.
"Yeah… We'll talk later, okay?" Addison said softly, showing a reassuring lip closed smile to Derek, who reciprocated with the same expression.
/ hiii! Hopefully you enjoyed this, pls review ! (i've always thought they lost a child so… I had to write this sad one shot). again, please review and let me know your thoughts.