Chapter Twelve: Of Grief and Comfort
After meeting up with Shadow and Specula, they did not waste any time heading back. The ride home was spent discussing who could be the men hunting Reese. From what she could gleam from the memories, they were not military, which would likely mean that they were mercenaries.
The bigger question, however, was who would sponsor a bounty on her head? Given her past transgressions, that question brings a broad range of answers. With no other leads, they could only decide to stay low and keep away from the settlement, as well as keep their ears to the ground for any trouble that may be closing in on them.
For now, the next major concern that they have is deciding on where Raven will be sleeping now that he has a proper bed. It was a fairly large bed, certainly too big for his old room. Really the only reasonable choice is the master bedroom. However, upon the mention of his parents' old room, and the thought of him sleeping there, the black-haired maverick became withdrawn. To her eyes at least.
It was a subtle pause, an almost unnoticeable shift in his demeanor. Almost. It was easy to miss, and she certainly would have back then. But she had spent enough time around him, getting to know him, that even without her powers, she was able to read him; the quieter tone, a far off look. It was almost as if he had slightly recoiled himself from the world around him. But in spite of the change, he carried the conversation as if nothing had bothered him, and they continued to talk about where to place the rest of the furniture until they arrived at the glade.
Worried, she observed him, looking for the opportunity, and perhaps the courage, to try to talk to him. To tell him that he didn't need to face anything he wasn't ready to face.
"Raven," she called to him, her imploring tone caught his attention as he was unloading the items. He looked back at her with guarded eyes, something she hadn't seen since their first days travelling together.
Although it saddened her to see that he was guarding himself around her, she understood that he was trained not to show weakness around anyone. For him to be suddenly so wary of her after joking around earlier only meant that he really is feeling anxious about what was brought up.
So she approached him, walking slowly until she was standing in front of him, his eyes watching her carefully the entire time. She didn't reach out to him or try to touch him. She just looked calmly right back.
"You don't have to sleep in their room you know…" she started to say, her voice soft and her tone soothing. "You can sleep in your old room if you want."
He was quiet as he kept looking at her, into her eyes, as if trying to figure out how she knew and why she cared. Moments passed as his gaze finally softened, and he relented, as if just deciding that he could relax around her. There was no use denying it anyway. He breathed out a soft sigh and shook his head.
"I'll be fine." He replied in an even tone, though his eyes were grateful. "Really" he added, when he saw she didn't seem convinced.
"Alright…" she finally replied, reluctant but understanding. He only nodded and went back to work in unloading everything. She gave his back a worried glance and sighed before helping him.
After putting away the rest of the supplies, and unloading the rest of the other items of furniture in the atrium, he started to assemble the bed in his parents' old room…well, his room now. It felt surreal to be in the room, and he doesn't really know how he would feel when he sleeps there later that night.
Reese could sense how…unsettled he was with the idea of staying in his parents' old room, but this was something he could only face alone. That didn't stop her from trying to help as best as she could though. She had cleaned and helped in setting up the room to be as comfortable as possible, and even put fresh sheets and a pillow on the finished bed for him.
When night came and he lay in his new bed, the memory of her worried eyes and soft voice helped him find sleep, and before he knew it, it was morning.
It had been a couple of days since Raven had started sleeping in his parents' old room. On the first morning, he had seemed a bit more somber than usual, but by the second day, he seemed to be adjusting well. Reese had thought that his initial discomfort was turning out to be nothing after all, and they spent the next few days furnishing the house and doing some repairs.
However, on the fifth night, she was proven wrong, as she woke up to a horrible feeling. A deep worry overcame her as she tried to figure out what had woken her up.
Raven…
She could feel him, he was angry…and he was in pain. She could see glimpses…flashes of him being sent flying against the wall…and it replayed over and over, as if he was stuck in a loop. She could feel his helplessness…She needed to find him.
She went to look for him, but when she entered his room the bed was empty, with the sheets carelessly thrown onto the floor. She could sense that he was still very close by. She closed her eyes and focused, trying to locate where he was, the energy and emotions coming from him was almost overwhelming.
She found him and quickly headed to where he was. He was still on the second floor, in the room right next door, the one he had passed by on their first day here. He had never shown it to her, never mentioned it, never even spared it a glance ever since. She, too, never mentioned it or asked him about it. She had never even entered it, not even to clean or explore. She knew what the room was to him.
It was the room where his parents had been killed.
As she stood in front of the door, she hesitated only for a second before opening it. She was apprehensive of what she would find, but the pain and anguish radiating off of him pushed her forward.
The room was cold and dark, but it didn't take her long to find his form standing to the right side of the room. She approached slowly, unsure how he would take her presence. The room was bare, just like the rest of the house in the beginning. There was nothing there, but he stared on as if he was looking at…something.
He stood still, and only continued to stare at the floor with pained, haunted eyes, as if seeing something no one else can. Though he stood quietly, the emotions coming from him were anything but calm. Shocked, panicked, angry, helpless…He was reliving the memory.
He had never truly grieved his parents, and he has nightmares about their deaths often… about that night. It had been a while since his last nightmare…but he supposed it was inevitable, especially in this house… sleeping in their room. How is it that it was always this memory that keeps coming back?
The more he thought about it, it made sense. He knows that he has good memories of them, too…but it was like all of them have been…subsumed into this one horrific nightmare. After all, he stared at their bodies for days before they found him. He hadn't moved from his spot after waking up, and only sat against the wall, staring at them…their eyes, once so full of life, were empty and cold. Not long after, their eyes slowly turned cloudier, until they were opaque as their bodies started decaying. When they found him, he was emaciated and catatonic. He couldn't remember anything, not even who he was.
He felt her presence behind him, though it did nothing to pull his mind away from their dead bodies in front of him. It was always the same vision…their bodies, the blood, their horrified faces… He wished he could dream of them when they were alive and happy…
"I miss them..." He whispered in the silence, a stark contrast to the tumultuous emotions radiating from him.
"It's been years, and I barely remember anything about them…But I miss them so much…" he continued to speak, as if to himself. Though she knows that he knew she was there, she stayed silent, quietly listening as she slowly made her way closer to him.
"I can't remember any other feeling except constantly missing them…" he continued, his voice reminiscent. "Even after I forgot everything…deep down I still felt how I lost them…how every night I'd look at the stars and wish I was...somewhere else…home."
"And a part of me-" he paused abruptly, feelings of shame and guilt flooding within him. "A part of me resents them…for always working on zoids instead of being with me…" he continued slowly.
"But I didn't hate them…I knew they loved me…that they did their best…so I hated the zoids instead." He frowned angrily, his hatred resurfacing. "If it weren't for zoids…they would have been there for me…they would still be here." He said through gritted teeth. He was suddenly silent as a wave of fury threatened to overwhelm him. She wanted to reach out to him desperately, but she knew that he needed this. He needed to get through it.
"It was Ambient, wasn't it…the one that killed them." He said quietly, so softly that she barely heard him. "It was too dark to see his color…but I remember the eyes..." There was hatred seeping into his voice, an anger that was suppressed merely because his enemy was no longer there.
Reese didn't say anything, she didn't need to; she knew he was right. He turned to her, his eyes boring into her own.
"Tell me…" He started speaking again after a moment of silence. "Was he here that night?"
Reese knew who he was talking about, but didn't quite know how to respond without feeding his anger. "Raven…does it really-"
"Was. Hiltz. Here." He cut her off abruptly, sensing her hesitation to give him a straight answer. It came out with more anger than he intended. She looked at him, and saw that there was no way to avoid the question. It was in his eyes. He was in pain. He was pleading.
"I just need to know what happened…" He whispered to her, his tone somewhat softer than before, not wanting to alienate her with his anger like he had done before. "Please…"
There was so much anger in his eyes, though he tried to control it for her sake. But more than that, she could feel his pain, his tremendous loss. His anger was only trying to overwhelm his grief, trying to mask it. He wanted answers, whether they mattered anymore or not, so who was she to deny him that?
"Yes." She finally replied, looking straight into his eyes. "Hiltz was here… He was Ambient's master, and he came here to awaken him that night." He turned away, fixing his haunted eyes back to the bodies. She saw his jaw muscles clench as he gritted his teeth, letting the confirmation of his suspicions sink in. "He gave Ambient the order…to kill your parents…" she continued hesitantly, watching him closely.
He clenched his eyes shut, and could only grit out one word in reply; "Why." Her heart twisted for him.
"Your parents were zoid researchers working for the Republic. He knew that they would be able to trace Ambient's energy signature. He didn't want them and the Republican army to track his movements." She continued to explain. "That's how you were found…they went dark and so the closest unit was sent to investigate."
Even though she wasn't certain that it would help him, she knew that he deserved answers. He may get angrier, and he may direct it at her, but if it helps him find peace, she can take it.
His hands clenched into fists, shaking from the force of his grip. He could feel the scar on his hand was about to open again, the taut skin threatening to split and start bleeding just as it had many times before. She didn't need to see him to know what he was going through. She didn't even need to use her powers at all. It radiated off of him, seemingly displacing the very air in the room. And when he opened his eyes again, she saw it all; the grief, the loss, the guilt, the hatred…the fury. It pained her to see him like this, to watch him succumb into his past and into his pain. If she could take it away, she would. At least, she would try, no matter what it would cost her. So she gave in.
Acting on an impulse, driven by compassion so strong she didn't know she was capable of, Reese closed the distance between them and slipped her arms around his shoulders. Though he didn't stop her, Raven went completely still as she pressed herself to him and rested her chin on his collarbone. She held him close.
"It will be all right," she promised softly. Her fingers twisted into his hair past the nape of his neck as she continued to stand there, resting against him.
Raven tensed; her closeness, her warmth, her scent…it all overlaid his inner turbulence, and though he felt overwhelmed, the thought of stopping her or moving away did not occur to him. For the first time in a long time, his mind was wiped completely blank. The feelings of revenge, that overwhelming impulse to destroy…all but evaporated from his mind. The only thing in his head at the moment was the vague notion that having one's hair tugged like that was not supposed to be a pleasant sensation…
As his thought processes gradually returned, he realized she was getting to him. Never had he experienced his anger recede that quickly. He doesn't remember a time when his anger receded at all.
Slowly, he awkwardly returned her embrace, lightly curving his arms around her back. She was so warm and soft, and she held him so gently and firmly. He never knew he could feel so light and grounded at the same time. If she wasn't here, holding him as she did now, he would lose himself to despair, and most likely resort to violence the more he simmered in his pain, just as he had done many times before…But now, he was slowly relaxing more and more into her embrace, breathing in her scent, letting her warmth seep into him and calm him.
It was unclear how long they stood in that tentative embrace. Eventually, Raven was the one to slowly pull back. Reese loosened her arms from around his neck just enough to face him, and immediately felt chilled in the places where their bodies had connected. Although he was the one to pull back first, he didn't release his hold completely, keeping his hands on her waist, not wanting to let go of her just yet.
Reese looked up at his face, keeping her hands on his shoulders. She searched his eyes, which were looking deeply into her own again, and was happy to find that his anger was gone. He was instead looking at her with a quiet wonder, as if he had just discovered something and was trying to understand what it was. Beneath that, however, was a familiar look, the same look he had given her when they were under the kitchen entryway, a look that excited her and terrified her at the same time. She suddenly felt the need to snap him out of it, before anything else happened, but she didn't want to disturb the relative peace he found.
"Come on…let's go back." She said quietly, giving his shoulder a gentle, encouraging squeeze before slowly letting him go. He only gave a slight nod but made no move to leave. It was like he was in a daze; emotionally exhausted, with the images of his nightmares and memories still fresh in his mind. So instead he kept his eyes on her, and focused on the feel of his hands that were still on her waist. He didn't want to move, afraid that if he let her go, he would be overwhelmed again.
Seeing his slightly dazed state, she gently took his hand as she slowly turned towards the doorway, giving it a soft tug. His eyes found hers and he nodded again, and she guided him back to his room. The room was dim, with the moon shining through the window the only source of light. He let her hand go as she picked up the sheets from the floor, but still stayed close to her. When they reached his bed, she laid the sheets out and they both sat down. They sat quietly, staying close to each other.
He slumped forward as he leaned his arms on his knees and stared at his hands. He absently traced the scar, which was painful to the touch but the skin stayed intact. Like the agitated scar, he felt raw inside. Without the anger now, there was only pain. He misses them deeply, and there was a part of him that wished he had died with them that night. A dark part of him…the part of him that was the reason why he never allowed himself to carry a gun. It would be so easy…
Raven placed his head on his hands and clenched his eyes tightly shut, pressing his palms into them, trying to rid them of the images of his memories, to push the dark thoughts away. He couldn't breathe. It was as if he was choking on the years of buried grief…for the parents that he had lost long ago…for the boy they had left behind…
And just when he thought he was fighting a losing battle, he felt soft arms envelope him again. For the second time that night, with her warmth and gentle embrace, she brought him back, as if she knew exactly where his thoughts had gone without reading his mind. He slowly lifted his face from his hands, his eyes hurting from pressing on them too hard. He leaned into her, letting her almost cradle his head into the nook of her neck. He wrapped his arms around her in return, clinging to her as his grief overwhelmed him. And with her arms holding him tight, he wept.