Chapter 11: Blame and Regrets

Magnus had learned early in his long life that immortality was as much a curse as it was a gift. He'd stayed constant and perpetual as the world changed around him, immovable in his immortality. The world was constantly evolving, cities and landscapes and fashions all transforming around him while he stayed ageless and eternal. It had fascinated him in his early years, when he'd been young and wide-eyed and so, so innocent. It had made him wary too, as the years went by, the fear of inertia and stagnation marring the timeless grace of a body that refused to age.

The worse part, however, was the changing faces, the mortal connections that were so transient and fragile, here one moment and gone the next. This was the price of immortality; agelessness in a world that aged too fast, timelessness in a world that that was gone too soon.

Mortal lives were so painfully fleeting, a few scant decades were nothing to him after all, and he'd learned the hard way to keep his heart at a distance. He had taught himself, over and over again, to stay unattached to mortals who only had such finite lives. He had told himself, over and over again, to keep his distance, to protect his heart. Alas, it was a lesson he found himself incapable of learning, making the same mistakes and failing the same test every time despite knowing the answer.

Immortality was lonely and his heart yearned for companionship heedless of his warnings. There had been Etta and Imasu and George and so many others, who had been in his life for a such a short time and yet marked his heart for eternity. And he had been heartbroken over each one of them, mourned their loss and sworn never again every time. And every time he had broken his promise and gotten attached to yet another fleeting soul.

He knew better than to get attached again, and yet here he was, standing vigil over yet another mortal, counting his breaths and hoping they wouldn't be his last. He never learned, did he. Catarina would rebuke him, he knew, in her own gentle and understanding way. Oh Magnus , she would shake her head and say, not again .

For now though, she was silent, engrossed in healing the shadowhunter at his behest, too preoccupied to pay him any mind. The reprimands and admonishments would come later. For now, she was content to do her self-appointed duty and work her miracles the way only she could to bring someone back from death's doors. Alec had barely moved, hardly even twitched since Catarina started working her magic. It was only his steady breathing, slightly less strained than before, that gave him hope that Alec would see this through.

The shadowhunter was still too pale, probably due to blood loss, and his skin had yet to regain warmth. Well, he assumed so, since Catarina had had to pry his hands away as she began to stitch the skin back together. He still yearned to reach out, to do something, but knew he would only be getting in the way. His own hands were still covered in a tacky layer of blood that he should probably wash off though he was loathe to leave Alec's side for even a moment.

"Magnus, he's stable for now. I've healed the most life-threatening damages but he'll need a few more sessions when he's strong enough to handle them. But between my magic and his enhanced constitution, I'm confident he'll pull through."

Oh, thank God, or well thank Catarina. He let the relief flood his body, calming the worst of his fears. At least he wouldn't have Alec's blood on his hands as well, figuratively speaking.

"Good, that's good. Thank you, Catarina. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Hmm, you can thank me by telling me what exactly happened. You didn't give a lot of details over the phone." Ah, the raised eyebrow and the hands on the hips, how did she always manage to make him feel like a chastised schoolboy? He knew from experience, however, that rolling his eyes at her would only make her mad and managed to refrain.

"Well, time was of the essence. You can hardly blame me for being succinct. You're being unfair, Catarina."

"And you're stalling, Magnus. Now, what happened?"

With a defeated sigh, he gave her a brief run-down of the evening. Recalling the events also brought forth the confusing exchange between Asmodeus and Alec that for the life of him he couldn't understand. It had raised so many questions, the answers nowhere in sight. Perhaps, Catarina would know?

"Catarina, Asmodeus said some things...I'm not sure what to make of them..."

"What do you mean, Magnus?"

"I'm not sure. It seemed almost as if Alec and my father knew each other."

"Not that I'm aware of. Hasn't Asmodeus been trapped in Edom for centuries?"

"Yes, he has. Which is why it doesn't make sense. How could their paths have crossed each other?"

"I don't know."

"And it's not just that, Asmodeus said something...something about us not being able to stay away from each other..."

"Magnus..."

"Catarina, I need to know. Why would he say that? Do you know what he meant by that?"

"Magnus, please calm down."

"I can't help but think I'm missing something here."

"Magnus, you and Alec..."

Catarina seemed to hesitate, which was uncharacteristic coming from a woman who always knew the right thing to say. He barely realised he was holding his breath, his heart pounding as he waited for the answer. There was an unbearable anxiety in him, as if he was standing on the edge of a knife, waiting to fall one way or the other. As if this was the most important answer in the world.

"Catarina, what is it? Tell me."

"You were friends. I'm not sure what to tell you, Magnus. You were friends before, well before you lost your memories. I'm not sure what Asmodeus was trying to say."

"I see." He doesn't see. Nothing makes sense anymore. He's sure there's more to it. Something inside of him is screaming at him that he's so close, so close to an answer, so close to what he's been searching for. If only he could remember the question.

He feels like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle. Like he only has half of the pieces and picture is incomprehensible without the other half. There's something telling him that he's been handed an important piece of the puzzle but he has no idea where it fits.

Catarina looks pale and tired though and he doesn't think that she's up to answering any more questions. No wonder, healing Alec must have taken a lot out of her. He's about to suggest she lay down for a little bit when the front door bangs open and two shadowhunters barge in his home uninvited.

"Where is he? Alec!"

"Calm down, Blondie. He's right here. He's fine."

He rolled his eyes but moved out of the way to let Jace and Isabelle settle beside Alec. Their worries are completely understandable given that Alec still looks like death warmed over. He lets Catarina reassure them of his condition which barely seems to ease their panic. Isabelle looks close to tears and he has to squash the urge to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder or god forbid pull her into a hug. He's become quite fond of her but somehow he doubts she'd accept any kind of acknowledgement of her moment of weakness. Jace on the other hand is vibrating with a manic energy, unable to keep still.

"How could you do this, Magnus? Running after Asmodeus? You nearly got him killed!"

It stings though he should have expected it. Like he wasn't feeling guilty enough for getting Alec in this mess. Like he wasn't excruciatingly aware that it was his own father that had nearly dealt him a killing blow. Like he didn't know that it was his life that Alec had saved by taking the blow that was meant for him. Isabelle predictably tried to keep Jace from throwing punches.

"Jace, it wasn't his fault..."

"Stay out of this, Izzy. If he hadn't run away..."

"He couldn't have known..."

"He was supposed to watch Alec's back!"

He was, wasn't he? He should have been watching Alec's back. He should have made sure Alec was safe before engaging his father. He should have made Alec leave before Asmodeus had even arrived. Suddenly Jace is in his face, his face red in anger and his eyes sharp as daggers.

"He's my parabatai. And I'm never going to let anyone hurt him. That includes you, Magnus."

"Enough, Jace." Isabelle is forcibly pulling Jace away but its already too late. He feels like he might as well have been punched for all that he feels like the wind had been knocked out of him. He's barely aware of Isabelle still speaking to Jace, lost in a sea of guilt and self-condemnation.

"Jace, Alec made his own decisions. You can't blame Magnus for them."

Finally, Catarina put her foot down before things got out of hand. "Alright, enough, all of you. Alec needs his rest and all of you arguing here is not good for him. So either shut up or take it outside."

A long moment of silence later, Magnus excused himself to get cleaned up and let the siblings have some time together. He saw Catarina make to follow him from the corner of his eyes and shook his head to silently dissuade her. He needed to be alone.

Catarina knew that shadowhunters were nothing but trouble and it was best to keep their distance from them. She also knew that Alec made Magnus happier than she had ever seen her friend and for that alone she was grateful that they had found each other. So when Magnus had called her and told her that Alec had abandoned him when Magnus had already lost almost everything he had held dear, she had barely restrained herself from turning her fury against the shadowhunters. Only the fact that Magnus loved Alec with all his heart had kept the shadowhunter safe from her wrath.

Now though, in the light of recent events, she was beginning to think that perhaps she hadn't seen the full picture. That Alec still loved Magnus, she was sure of more and more, given that the shadowhunter had put his own life in peril to save the warlock. That Alec had broken Magnus's heart was also true. Given Magnus's account of the night, she was beginning to think that Asmodeus was also more involved in the picture than she had realised. There was also the mystery of Magnus's magic coming back the same night that Alec had called things off. She was suddenly scared that the picture was becoming clearer and clearer.

"He made a deal, didn't he? With Asmodeus."

Isabelle looked up from where she was carding her fingers through her brother's hair, her expression enough of an answer. Oh, the stupid, stupid boy.

"Catarina, you can't tell him or the deal will be void."

"He shouldn't have made the deal. Magnus wouldn't have wanted that."

"I know. But he made his choice. We have to respect that."

As much as she wanted to protest, at least for Magnus's sake, she was well aware that it was too late now. With Magnus's memories gone, and who knows how or if they would even return, he had no recollection of what Alec meant to him. What he meant to Alec. Could he even appreciate the sacrifice that had been made for the sake of his happiness?

Her heart broke for the two of them. She had seen Magnus through countless heartbreaks, had soothed his tears and helped him piece his heart together. She had mourned the lost loves with him and scorned the careless heartbreakers with him. She had even punished some of those vicious lovers that had callously played with his heart. This time, she wasn't sure what to do.

What was she supposed to do when Magnus didn't even remember his broken heart? Should she be grateful for his blissful ignorance? Should she be regretful for the love he has lost? Should she even be trying to get his memories back or spare him the inevitable heartbreak and let him get on with his life?

Except...except there was no moving on, was there? She recalled the frantic phone call that had dragged her here tonight, the way Magnus had clung to Alec's body in his arms and begged her to save his life, the prayers and the pleas that had fallen from his lips and the tears that had glistened in his eyes. Perhaps it was already too late for him to move on.

Magnus Bane was falling in love with Alec Lightwood all over again. Or perhaps he was remembering that he was in love with Alec Lightwood. And she wasn't sure if that was a good thing.