Author's Note: Hello, readers! I apologize for the delay in this; work has left me exhausted most days to where I don't really get much done, and I just finished my contest piece for the community I'm a part of. I'll be sharing it here later in the week, after the submission period ends tomorrow; it's a Pokemon story, so if you're into that kinda thing, feel free to give it a read! If you're not into Pokemon, that's okay too because I'll be back to focusing on this story (barring any unforeseen writing contests that catch my eye), so you'll have this to enjoy again!

What Changes Us

Chapter 16 - What Breaks Us

Kate sighed as she took a seat in Dr. Morris' office. The psychiatrist was running a little late, but she decided to let Kate head back into her office while she wrapped up with another patient.

She took a seat in one of the plush armchairs, slipping her shoes off and curling up. Dr. Morris told her to make herself at home, and it was an instruction Kate had no issue with following.

Truth was, she still didn't quite want to be here, but Montgomery was insistent that she continue with it and that it would help.

Dr. Morris entered the room. "I'm sorry, Kate," she said, taking a seat in the armchair across from her. This time, there was no desk between them, just a single coffee table with a vase of flowers. "My last patient had a few questions that I had to answer."

"It's alright," Kate said.

"So," Dr. Morris said, crossing her legs. "How are you feeling today?"

Kate shrugged. "I'm alright."

The truth was, though, that she was exhausted. Life as a traffic cop was exhausting too, but being a detective was a different story. As a traffic cop, her schedule was more or less consistent. There were no calls in the middle of the night like there were now that she was a detective. She was still trying to adjust to the new schedule, and coffee was probably her biggest ally in the adjustment.

Dr. Morris seemed to believe Kate's claim that she was alright, or at least didn't press her on it if she didn't. "Anything you want to talk about?"

Kate shook her head, and thus began the next hour of occasional answers from Kate and a line of questioning she didn't want to answer. Another hour wasted. Another hour she could've used trying to find something that would crack her mother's case open gone, or even just doing anything else but being here in this place that she didn't want to be.

o.o.o.o.o

There was an unusual air in the precinct as she walked in that morning, a little late thanks to her appointment. Despite the unusualness of it though, there was a familiarity to it too.

The first time she felt it, she could remember asking Royce why the entire atmosphere of the precinct changed. The normally serious, yet jovial atmosphere of the 12th turned into a completely serious one. There were no smiles.

It was on that day that she learned when the feds are around, the entire precinct changes. It was on that day that she learned just how much cops and the feds hated each other, yet put aside their differences to work with each other towards a common goal.

When Kate got to the fourth floor of the 12th, the floor was overrun with feds turning the homicide division into their command center. She blinked, hazel eyes wide at the sight of the feds running around and conversing with each other and the detectives. The last time the feds came around the precinct, it was only maybe two or three; this time around, it was at least fifteen that she could immediately see. She set her bag on her desk, weaving between her colleagues and the feds, then stepped to Montgomery's office, gently tapping on the cracked open door.

The hushed voices of Montgomery and one of the FBI agents fell silent as Kate poked her head into the room, followed by the rest of her body. "Beckett," Montgomery said, a smile lighting up his tired features. "Perfect timing. We were just talking about you." He gestured to the FBI agent. "Beckett, this is Agent Will Sorenson from the FBI. Sorenson, this is Detective Kate Beckett."

Kate raised a hand as Montgomery introduced her. Sorenson gave her a small smile.

"Sorenson and the rest of the FBI are here to investigate the kidnapping of Austin Thomas, an eight year old boy who was abducted while he was walking to a convenience store near his grandmother's home," Montgomery said.

Kate nodded but raised an eyebrow. "Okay," she said. "But what does a kidnapping have to do with me? I'm a homicide cop, sir."

"Sorenson requested the best. You're the best I've got," Montgomery replied.

o.o.o.o.o

But despite being the best, it wasn't enough to bring eight year old Austin Thomas and his family justice. It wasn't enough to bring him back home alive.

When they found the body, her heart broke in two. The six months of therapy she'd been through helped keep her from completely breaking down, despite the sessions being nothing more than Dr. Morris asking questions and Kate giving simple answers, but nothing could prepare her for this moment. Nothing could keep her from hiding the pain that clearly showed on her face when she took one look at Austin Thomas' body.

In private, she fell apart, comforted only by the support of Will. In public, her mask was on, reflecting the stoicism she showed every day at this job, her pain locked away behind a door she refused to open.

Except now it was cracking.

Will visited her at the precinct that morning with what he considered to be great news. His FBI work would be taking him to Boston, and he'd invited Kate to come along.

Her initial retort was snappy. She worked hard to get to where she was, and she was finally finding her rhythm here. She'd found her place. Why would she want to throw it away?

But with a deep breath, she found a desire to try and make things work long distance. Will wasn't so willing to try.

Their relationship came to an end after only six months. In that moment, she could feel her mask cracking, and she was grateful that the eyes of her colleagues and captain were on Sorenson as he walked out of the precinct.

As soon as her shift ended, for the first time in the seven months she'd been going to therapy, she willingly went to a session.

o.o.o.o.o

"Why did you become a cop?"

"I don't know."

For the first time in the seven months Dr. Morris asked her that question, Kate was finally able to respond, albeit with a little hesitation.

And then, she broke down.

For the first time in the seven months she'd been seeing Dr. Morris, she allowed herself to break down, to let her emotions be free from the door she kept them locked behind. She poured her heart out to this woman she'd blocked for the last seven months.

It felt freeing, as if there was a weight being lifted off of her chest.

"Why did you become a cop?" Dr. Morris asked again, once Kate was done talking about everything that was on her mind.

"I already said I don't know," Kate replied.

"Think about it," Dr. Morris said. "Go home and rest. Keep going to work and think about the reason why you're doing what you're doing. When you've answered that question, come back and see me."

Kate blinked. "You don't want me to just come back next week?"

"No," Dr. Morris replied. "I think you made a great deal of progress this evening alone, Kate. You opened up to me for the first time in the seven months we've been meeting. You've said more than just a few words, and I'm glad you've finally done that. But I think we'll make even more progress once you're able to tell me why you decided to become a cop."

She blinked again, wiping at her tear stained face, before standing back up. As she left the office, the only thing on her mind was Dr. Morris' question of why she became a cop. Years ago, she would've said it was to get justice for her mother, but now?

Now she couldn't even get justice for an eight year old boy and his parents. Now she couldn't even make a dent in her mother's case. Now she had so many doubts about the path she chose to take in life that she debated even going back to the 12th tomorrow.

Perhaps it was time to reevaluate her life choices.