Okay, I've been trying to crank out these chapters because the end is in sight. But, not to worry, there's still a lot that's going to happen before that. Please leave a review because I really do appreciate any feedback you send my way. Also, let me know anything is confusing, plot points, dialog, or really anything. I get so caught up in my head and it makes sense to me so it's hard to see any errors. Thanks for reading!

Chapter Fourteen

Mariano looked up at me when I returned. I met his eyes by accident but looked away as I scrubbed at my face.

"You okay? I know that's probably a stupid question." His voice sounded warmer now that there were less problems on our plate but I could tell he was tired too.

I sighed and waved off his question. "Doesn't matter. What should I do?"

"Cool, another thing you won't tell me. Nice." The sarcasm was evident.

I groaned, "Mari! Stop, it's not like that. There's nothing to say other than I'm exhausted and stressed out and just waiting for something else to go wrong. It's been a nerve wracking week. Are you going to tell me you're not feeling this too?"

"No, but it still doesn't change the fact that you look like hell. It looks like you're taking it harder than everyone else." He said with a frown that only made him look more attractive.

"Yeah? Well, not everyone feels a stupid sense of fear and responsibility because if something goes wrong it's always the slave's fault! I don't want to think about the consequences if I fail. It might not only affect me but also J… the crew if I mess up." I collapsed on the bench in pain and shock. Pain from realizing this was why everything felt so stressful and shock that I had just told Mariano. "Just… just forget it. No big deal."

I made the mistake of looking up to see him frowning but this time with pity in his eyes. "If you want help or time off, I could…"

"No!" I said harsher than I meant. "I didn't ask for that so I don't want your help. I just wanted this blasted mission to be over so I can sleep again."

The pity disappeared and was replaced with a glare. "Fine, whatever. Get started on the foremast rerouter."

I glared back, both of us in a bad mood now. Nice, Alice. I huffed and walked over to do what he said. I was annoyed at his prying and pity and I was even more annoyed that I had told him so much. Why can't you keep your mouth shut? Being tired is not a good enough excuse.

Both of us worked in silence only filled by buttons clicking and small beeps from the various screens. The lever flipping and button pressing was just slightly too loud. To anyone else, it would be unnoticeable but to my ears, I knew we were frustrated. The screens didn't have to be tapped that hard or the knobs twisted with that much force but that didn't stop the two of us from venting our anger on the machines. Mari was usually an open processor so we always had things to talk about but I had clearly shut that down with my out lash. Every time I started feeling bad for him, I would remember why he was upset and hate myself even more. If people would stop being so nice I would be in a better place security wise. I didn't know how to be around good people because the divide between them and me was too extreme. My whole life I had to push bad people away for my own safety so that was my approach with these people. That was obviously not working in my favor because it put me into sticky situations like this one. That strategy also led me to saying goodbye to the safest and most caring person I had ever met. That ache in my chest was back.

The clock ticked to 10:00 and we had missed breakfast completely but my shift was over for now. "Well, I'll be back at 14:00. See you at lunch, maybe. Oh, and sorry." I felt hot and sheepish.

He looked up briefly and shot me a tight smile to acknowledge he had heard but then turned back to his work.

I sighed and dragged myself up to my cabin. I tried to curb the deep sense of disappointment Mari's response had left with me. I knew it was childish to hope that an apology would make everything better but I still wished it would happen. But disappointment was not the only feeling in my chest. That ache had shifted into a sharp pang in my heart. It was a feeling that I was familiar with because it was the one I had desperately been trying to avoid for the last few days. It was the same pang that stabbed me every time I thought about Jim. I wanted to be satisfied that we were finally distant and there were clear boundaries set in place. I wanted to want that. But every time I tried to be content, my thoughts would shift to focus on what I had lost. I had lost a friend. Maybe that was no big deal to someone else, someone like Brent, but I truly had never had anything close to a friendship in my life. Vague memories of my step sisters along with one salty, old pirate I used to drink with came to mind when I tried to imagine friendship. None of that was close to what Jim had been to me. The refuge and gentleness in his eyes was a singularity. I knew for a fact there would never be anyone else like Jim Hawkins. And I had closed the door in his face.

The floorboards creaked under my feet. I had been standing in front of my mirror for a long time while I was lost in thought. I focused on my reflection and I started to understand why Mari was so concerned. Dark circles hung beneath my bloodshot eyes and my hair was a tangled mess. My face almost looked as thin as it had when I first arrived on the Nebula. I had been food deprived then and I had barely eaten this week. My uniform was wrinkled and I had missed a button on my shirt in my rush waking up this morning. It's probably a good thing that I never went to breakfast because I could only imagine Brent's reaction to such a disheveled appearance. I raked a brush through my knotted waves and made a point to drink some water. I crawled into my bunk without changing because these clothes couldn't get any worse so I'd change into something unwrinkled when I woke up. I dropped off immediately.

My hand still stung from smacking my alarm clock too hard in an attempt to shut off the buzzer. I'd only been asleep for two hours but I couldn't afford to miss lunch if I was going to make it through the day. I shoved my legs into the crisp, tan trousers and tucked in the standard white shirt. I finally had the time to fix my hair properly so I braided and pinned up the sides so it was out my face. With hair pins still in my mouth, I evaluated myself in the mirror again. My brown eyes were significantly less bloodshot and I thought the shadows had lessened a bit. I frowned. I had two red parallel lines running across the left side of my face. The marks must have been from the pillow or my sleeve; they were the only evidence that I had gotten any sleep. Mariano would still say that I look like hell but everyone looks like hell compared to his immaculate body. I shivered a little so I took my coat with me as I headed out.

The mess hall was much quieter than normal but a significant portion of the crew was gone so it made sense. I slopped some hot food on my plate and sank down next to Blamey. He was a limey green where the blue-ish splotches disappeared, I think that meant he was either stressed or proud or something. I was still learning what his various colors and patterns meant.

He narrowed his eyes as he took in my ragged appearance. "Ack, lass. "Wha' did I say 'bout working too 'hard? Ye 'ave to take it easy or we'll be short a quar'ermaster, an' we don't need tha'. Everythin' will be alright, ye'll see. Now, drink this nettle an' burdock tea to take care o' those shakin' 'ands."

I flushed as he deposited the steaming tea in front of me and pulled my plate away, indicating I should drink before eating. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he knew what I was thinking but it still startled me. He was intuitive in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable because I had to be extra careful around him. I was irritated that he'd seen me shaking, I used to think I was good at hiding that. I wrapped my hands around the tankard and took a long draw of the bland, herbal tea. It did calm the butterflies in my stomach and loosened some of the tightness in my chest. That sharp ache stayed where it was. I don't think something as simple as tea could fix that.

After finishing, I showed Blamey my empty cup and he grunted in approval as he slid my plate back to me. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my appetite had come back. The fresh barley roll and stewed alponian beans were delicious and I ended up eating more than I had in awhile. Blamey nodded in satisfaction and sent me off with a pat on the back and a dire warning about what he would do if I didn't sleep.

I found myself smiling even though his concern for my well being only complicated my life. I wanted to revert into cold self defense but now I was too deeply involved to do so without causing more turmoil. I'd have to endure these pleasant relationships while faking a genuine response but keep myself distant and safe. No messy emotions getting in my way. It was a good plan. One that I would have excelled at in the beginning because I was good at acting but my acting had been replaced with truth and caring. I felt pure regret at the thought of lying to these people but I had to, right? Right.

I crashed for the last two hours of my break before going back to the control cabin. I steeled myself for the bad situation I had left earlier. Mariano was working under a console so I could only see his lower half. It didn't seem like he had heard me because there was no acknowledgement or greeting when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey," I said tentatively.

He jerked and started shimmying out from under the panel. "Hey!" His head had almost cleared the edge but bumped it with his forehead at the last second. As handsome and Mariano was, that didn't stop him from being clumsy.

I cringed in vicarious pain.

"Oof, ignore that. I want to apologize for this morning. We're both stressed and Brent has been breathing down my neck lately. Friends?" He stuck out his and I shook it firmly while noticing the stark difference in our skin tones. His dark hand looked flawless in comparison to my pale hand with random scars scattered across it from my rough past.

"Friends." I confirmed.

I let out a startled yelp as he jerked on my arm and pulled me into an awkward hug. My right arm was pinned between us making it difficult to hug him back. I was still unsettled when it came to physical touch, it was strange for it to be used in a positive, friendly way. I had to swallow the fear that leapt in my throat as I fought the awful flashbacks of the other times I had been in this position, trapped against a man's chest. I shuddered but then remembered when Jim held me, I didn't feel the same feeling of terrified helplessness. As always, he felt gentle and safe.

All of these thoughts had flashed through my head in the space of that two second long hug. We broke away and I avidly avoided his eyes as I let out a shaky laugh.

"Well, I'm glad we're back on good terms. What does the rest of your day look like?" I ask to distract from that uncomfortable hug.

"I'm working on Brent's assignments until 22:00 but I'm going to steal some lunch from Vin first."

"Isn't that dangerous? He could snap your spine in a second!" I was stunned, even I knew better to mess with someone that could beat you in a fight.

He laughed mischievously and rubbed his hands together. "Oh don't worry, I have my charms to keep me safe."

I doubted that would be enough but waved him off with a resigned smile. Now that he was gone and we weren't fighting anymore, I felt at peace with some sleep and good food in my belly. Everything was in ship-shape so I watched the stats from the ground crew. I read the log that was being updated with new information. It looks like they had landed a couple of hours ago and had tied off the longboat and were in search of a base camp. Apparently it was mountainous and covered in thick shrubbery but there were plenty of fresh water sources. Everything from the sky to the dirt was a different shade of pinky violet. The dark purple trees that grew over the terrain were foreign and an unknown species but provided sufficient cover to escape the sulphuric winds that ripped through the valley. The log stated the temperature and it wasn't as cold as I expected given the landscape. Jim had made a note that if they could even start a contained fire in this wind, they would be incredibly visible to anything or anyone else in the mountains and they were already noticeable due to the color difference.

Concern dug a pit in my stomach but I forced myself to keep reading. There were more entries on the soil and vegetation but there was no indication of lifeforms yet. The last line stated that the sun was low on the horizon so they had bivouacked for the night. A cold meal was all that they could afford without being familiar enough with this planet to have a fire.

I had just pulled myself away from the screen when I heard a small blip behind me. A new entry. It was Jim again. Stupid amounts of relief and regret flooded my chest. The entry was as follows: 'Camp set. Meal finished. Watch assigned and the rest sleeping. First watch: Cameron Fitz and James Hawkins. Will be on look out for signs of civilization and lifeforms. Hoping to see fires or other light sources after sunset. Will report any findings. Signing out for the night. -James Hawkins.'

He was okay and in no evident danger. I sighed. I assumed Morph was okay too because Jim had taken him down with the crew.

The landing location was interesting because it was so close to the planet's south pole that they would be in darkness for the majority of the mission. When I asked Mari how they selected a landing location out of the whole world he said that there was all kinds of charts and data in the stateroom that Jim and Brent used to make that decision. Apparently, if there was no prior information on the planet, they would calculate where the most life-supporting area would be and land there. That system obviously had its flaws but this voyage was more to locate and get a basic idea of each world instead of exploring them in depth. I silently prayed that their calculations were off and there would be no living thing in sight.

There shouldn't be any more updates if the evening went well. At least the evening that was happening on Maliencorr, it was still afternoon on the ship and I had a long shift ahead of me. I worked on the various screens and systems that needed my attention but I kept ending up in front of the mission log. There had been no updates. No news is good news, right? I huffed and moved away from the log for what must have been the fourteenth time. I scanned the panels and since I didn't see any issues, I turned to the bench under the stairs. I opened the lid and surveyed the contents with disgust. I'm sure I had contributed to the mess but I couldn't help but blame Mari. With mild resentment in my heart I started on organizing the various parts even though that was the last thing I wanted to do.

The first thing I pulled out of the long trunk was a ball of tangled wires about the size of a large pumpkin. I was actually surprised it had fit in the chest to begin with. There was no way in hell I was going to deal with that nightmare today so I set that aside. There were spare parts to the panels mixed with the repair supplies that were all scattered across the little storage boxes. I picked through the boards first and set them next to my knees as I leaned into the chest again. The random assortment of processing units were easier to spot and stick into their section of the trunk. I gathered the pliers and soldering materials, dumping them into that box without putting them in their exact spot. I was organizing in large scale today, I'd fix the boxes at some later point in time. The last step was to sort all of the boards I'd grabbed earlier. That took the most amount of time because all of them looked fairly similar from a distance. What was harder still was putting them in the right compartment because the labels meant nothing to me. I was really wishing I had paid more attention to Wiring and Circuitry. The easy ones were the boards that matched an existing group of boards in a labeled section so I could put it with its siblings and move on. But I eventually ran out of those so I was left with empty boxes that had meaningless names attached to them and a handful of random boards. There was no way to deduce which one went where so I fanned them out and stuck them in a wide box so they were easy to see.

Feeling accomplished, I leaned back with my hands on my hips to scan my work. The state of the storage chest was miles better than what it was like when I had started. I sighed with satisfaction and rocked onto my ankles. I was just about to let the lid snap shut when I saw the tangle of wiring. I groaned. This should really be dealt with now since I'm organizing anyway but I was not in the mood. I grabbed the messy ball and slung it into the trunk and closed the top before I could think about it more.

It was getting close to supper but I still had some time to work on tonight's daily report. There would be a lot to fill in because of the launch today. I pulled out a pen and ink as well as the correct sheet of paper and started filling in the information. It was mostly recording important data but there were a few places where I'd have to write out a description of things that had happened that day. I was always self conscious about my sloppy handwriting. Numbers I could do okay, I was staring at them all day anyway but letters were harder. After second guessing the spelling of each word, I would have to take painstaking care to draw each letter as cleanly as possible. I had no use for writing aboard the Dark Doubloon so I was working with the few years of school I had as a kid. It had been a long time and I hated my childish and shaky writing. It was bad enough handing these reports in to Jim but it was ten times worse to hand it to Brent.

I cursed my cramping hand and looked up to the clock while I shook my hands out. Eight minutes until mess. I'd finish this later. I rolled up the paper and corked the ink and scrubbed pointlessly to clean my fingers. The controls looked good but I was still drawn over to the log again. No new data. I rubbed my face, chiding myself for wanting to know more about Jim's situation. What if they weren't fine? What if they were being attacked and no one could get to the com system in time? They could be dying down there and I'd never know. The dinner bell rang bringing an end to my dark thoughts and shivering.

I didn't realize until it was too late. I had been too excited about the bonsabeast stew and the sweet rice cakes to notice. A little stew dribbled over the side of my bowl and splattered on the floor because of my abrupt halt. I was standing in front of our table but the problem was that I wasn't alone. The only other person sitting there was First Mate Emmaline Brent. My breath caught in my throat as I frantically thought about what I should do. The last thing I needed was to be around Brent, she was so suspicious and harsh that any slip up around her was doubly dangerous. But I couldn't turn around now that she'd seen me. I dragged my feet over to the farthest bench away from her. I bobbed my head in her direction with a forced smile and then looked away quickly. Her searching eyes flicked over me before going back to staring in her tankard. She seemed either lost in thought or tired. I didn't care which one of those it was. I was glad it kept her attention away from me.

I tucked my stew away as fast as I could without looking insane. I had a rice cake and a few more spoonfuls of stew left when Mariano came bounding into the hall. I smirked at his unusual energy and was very happy to see him. I think he heard me sigh in relief as he sat down but we started chatting nonetheless. His day had been going smoothly and he had plenty of time to rest and prep for the next couple of days. He was full of the optimism I envied. Even though I was starting to feel better physically, there was a slow burn of anxiety inside me. Mariano tried his best to encourage me to relax but dinner was over by then and he was going to bed and I had the night shift in the cabin.

I trotted down the stairs to see if there were any new updates from Jim. There were not. I sighed but it turned into a groan as I remembered the daily report I needed to finish. I sat myself down and grudgingly pulled out the pen. It took an eternity to summarize the log entries from the mission but I finally finished. I blew on the paper to dry the ink and then put everything else away.

Rolling it up, I made the dreaded journey of turning in the report to Brent. I wished it had taken me longer to reach the stateroom but I was there before I knew it. My knock was practically a tap because I was so worried to be around her. I forced a breath and knocked again, louder this time.

Silence.

Another knock.

Another silence.

I grit my teeth and tried the door handle. It gave a little. I knew the door was unlocked and presumed it was empty but I still felt uncomfortable going in. Resolutely, I turned the handle and pushed the door open. I was mercifully alone. I felt like a child waiting to be caught in the act of stealing a cookie as I snuck over to the desk and deposited the report in the correct folder. I fully intended to get out of there as quickly as possible but my thoughts strayed to the storage bench. If I could find Circuitry and Wiring again, it would really help in my organization. I darted over to the shelves and started scanning. The book seemed to have evaporated because the only thing I found was that I was standing in the exact same place where Jim kissed me. There was that stabbing pain in my chest again. That kiss had been simple, sweet. Not like the stolen ones with gritty, alcohol soaked lips on dirty pirate scum in my past. It wasn't like those, he wasn't like them.

Gods! Stop, Alice!

I shook myself and took one last look at the bookcases before running to the door. I wrenched it open and smacked into someone. Just my luck, it was Brent.

"Spacer?" It was both a sharp question and a reprimand.

I physically cringed. "Sorry, ma'am!"

"You better have an excellent reason why you're skulking about in the stateroom when you're needed in the control cabin." That felt like a threat.

"Daily report, ma'am! I was just dropping it off and no one was inside so I… sorry." I wanted to hang my head but I was afraid that I would double my punishment if I stopped standing at attention.

She huffed and straightened her crumpled uniform. She slicked her hair back into its unvarying blunt bob. Again, she either seemed distracted or tired. "Well, Quartermaster Hayward, be quick about your tasks. Efficiency is critical with the captain ashore. Beside the log entries, is there any new information you have been able to retrieve regarding the mission?"

"Um, I mean the oxygen levels have continued to fluctuate but have not reached an unhealthy state. I've been monitoring the acidity of the atmosphere because I'm concerned that could lead to the flora being toxic, but it's probably nothing. The chances are low and the toxicity would be anywhere from harmless to irritating." Now I felt tired trying to suppress how uncomfortable I was.

"Interesting, good instinct to watch for substance threat. I'll relay that on to the captain. Keep me updated." She was staring at me. For a long time. "Go! Why are you still wasting my time?"

"Oh!" I scrambled out of her way and ran down to the control cabin.

Out of habit, I checked for updates. There was one! 'Second watch: Abimael Benedict, Cephas Warren, Jeter Croft.' I hated how disappointed I was reading that. No news is good news, this just means he'll be getting some sleep which is a good thing. Calm down.

Sleep. That sounded nice. I thoroughly combed through the panels to make sure I wasn't missing anything before I stripped off my jacket. I punched it into the shape of a pillow and settled on the storage chest. I'd wake up if anything happened, there were enough buzzers. This had been an insane day.